Side note: I'm super ready for a new laptop; typing in an iPad mini is for the birds...
I'm feeling a little angry today about family dynamics. Trying to remember that it's not about me and it's not really something I can control, but I still feel some sadness and longing for things to be different. After my mom died a couple of years ago, The rest of my family went to Lake Tahoe that next summer and scattered her ashes into the lake, which was a special place for her. Prior to her passing, as you might remember from reading this blog, it was a several-year tradition for us to all go to Tahoe together as a family over the Fourth of July. One trip there with S was particularly traumatic, but that's another story.
In any case, I just assumed that we would continue this tradition as a family going forward, but last year I received a rude awakening that my brother was going to Tahoe at a different time that summer and my sister wanted to be there with her immediate family only, and some close friends. Maybe if I had a partner and child or children, I would also enjoy going there sometimes by ourselves (this is a separate issue of feeling like a lower-class family member because I'm single), but I think I would still value and support us all being there together over the fourth. I made it known last year that I was disappointed and in future years really wanted us all to spend this time there together.
Which brings me to this year... A month or so ago I talk to my brother and he told me that he and his family were planning to go at a different time and not be there for the Fourth. Argh! I was frustrated and upset and let him know that I was super disappointed. I asked him to please consider my wishes on this and said I thought that the memories we create there would be really significant and important going forward in our lives. He seemed a little chagrined and agreed to consider this.
Then, recently I messaged with my Dad about the Fourth, and he said he and his partner, Mary, are planning to go early and leave on the third, and that my sister wanted to be there with her immediate family alone over the holiday. WTF! A big part of the experience is the freaking holiday! Going out on the boat to watch the fireworks, hanging out on the dock and going to get drinks, etc. We can do a lot of these activities prior to the fourth I guess but part of the fun is preparing for the holiday and going out on the boat. To me, this significantly changes the experience.
I feel like I'm the only one that cares about making this meaningful, but also that I am the one who's feelings and opinions are least valued. I guess part of the equation is me living in California and the rest of my family living up in Eugene and having just more time together and casual conversations about it in the course of their lives. But I'm really tired of getting blindsided by, and not included in, these decisions.
I did message with my brother this morning and have plans to talk to him this afternoon, and he said they might be moving their plans around so they could come to Tahoe on the Fourth. This is super exciting news, but I hope we then can actually stay for the holiday. I left a voicemail for my sister expressing these hopes. If you were me, how would you feel, and how would you try to mediate the situation? I'm not sure it's worth creating a huge issue with my sister, but I resent her being the favorite and getting more say in the matter.
To end on a positive note, I completed my child/infant CPR training yesterday! It was actually quite informative and helpful. Almost done with my homestudy replacement forms and plan to get the social worker visit on the calendar soon, maybe by next weekend.
It sounds as if what constitutes "meaningful" to you may be different from what it means to your family. You said that "A big part of the experience is the freaking holiday!" A big part of *your* experience is the holiday, but it may not be so for everyone, and that may have nothing to do with you, though it feels personal. I also wonder about your use of "blindsided"--it sounds as if they (your brother?) told you a month or so ago that plans were different. You mentioned that your sister is the favorite and has "more say." She may not have more say overall, but she does have more say when it comes to how she decides to spend the holiday. I truly don't intend to come across harshly, and I know that text can come across that way, but it sounds as if you're (understandably) disappointed and hurt, but trying to force your family to find meaning in the same ways you do, and I wonder if that may set you up for more hurt.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your input, but I don't think you fully get the dynamic in my family. It's not about me controlling how people spend their vacation. This is a family vacation home, owned by my parents. We had a precedent of many years going there as an entire family, so this is a change and I wasn't part of the decision to change it. For a variety of reasons, some my fault, my dad does give my sister preference.
DeleteI hate to say it but I sorta agree with Paula, while you may have found the family vacation meaningful and fun your siblings and their families may have just been going through the motions for your parents sake or out of some sense of obligation to your mom. In my family, my maternal grandmother threw huge family cookouts several times a summer. All my aunts, uncles and cousins would come as well as a bunch of extended family. While she loved having everyone together the rest of us just sorta made the best of it. We all loved her and wanted her to be happy but left to our own devices there were other things we wanted to do and other people we wanted to be with. Grammy was the reason we all got together, with her gone we're all happier living our own lives.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I would feel sad if they felt similarly but this is good to consider.
DeleteCan't speak to your family, but I would have trouble continuing a family tradition once my mother was gone. It would just make me so sad that she was no longer there and the family could never truly be together again. I would want to find a new tradition that wouldn't bring up those memories.
ReplyDeleteI can definitely understand your feelings of hurt and disappointment over this. When I was single, I often felt like my opinions, feelings, and schedule were the least important in the family; everyone deferred to the wishes of my brother and his wife and I got the leftovers.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I think you've done all you can in letting your family know how important this holiday tradition is to you. It's out of your hands now and they have to decide if they want to carry on the tradition. I have no helpful advice, but I can offer empathy. *hugs*
Thanks Jen, maybe you're right about having done all I can. That's kind of what I was thinking, even though I'm sad about it. But if that's the consensus I will accept it.
DeleteI would be very upset. I think it's one thing to say that they are too busy to go on vacation. I think it's another thing to go there and say they only want to be with their family and no one else is invited. That would definitely bother me. I do think though that if that is how they are acting, they probably aren't thinking about anyone else's feelings and may not be receptive to hearing from you. Both of my parents have passed away and things definitely changed after each one. There was a point where I just decided that I needed to focus on me more and stop putting myself in a position to be hurt. I think you have told them how you feel and hopefully they will reevaluate. If not, I would try to make this 4th of July very special with friends and work on creating new traditions.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate hearing your experience, Deborah. I'm sorry for the loss of your parents. I miss my nieces and nephew too so that's part of it. Good point about the fact my sister made this decision showing she doesn't really care what I/others think. We will see what happens...
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