My Latin Crush

My Latin Crush came over for dinner last night.  To give some backstory:  we have had this really wonderful chemistry in my theatre class whenever we are partnered.  And when a few of us went to dinner afterwards, I drove him there and sat next to him and, let's just say, there was a lot of energy.  We were always connected, legs touching all through dinner, etc.  It sounds so high school, but it was fun.

In my direct way, I brought up our energy connection to him that night and said, though I knew it maybe wasn't right (due to the Jesuit thing), I couldn't help but ask if he wanted to hang out.  Well, it was kind of funny because he didn't know what that meant.  What is this "hang out"?  ha  But we ended up exchanging emails and trying to make plans...but nothing came of it.  It seemed like he had some ambivalence, understandably.   So I said thanks anyway, and good luck.

Then a couple more classes, and more energy and some talking and again, I asked him if we might get together and talk outside of class.  I swear it just popped out of my mouth, even though I knew it was not the best idea.  It was so hard to be talking, and then get pulled apart by rotating partners.  I wanted more time with him, I couldn't help it.  So he said "Yes," and we actually managed to make plans this time.

And last night was the big night and.... it was so painfully predictable!

I will say it started out wonderfully - talking, showing him our garden, making dinner, drinking some wine and talking some more.  We discussed our prior interactions, and at first he was playing it cool, like he hadn't felt like he wanted more outside of class, but he basically ended up acknowledging that he did want to see me.  I pointed out that I totally gave him an out the night at dinner when I first asked him about "hanging out," and he didn't take it.

Anyway, he also admitted he feels torn sometimes about becoming a Jesuit and questions his long-term commitment, similar to how someone would question whether they wanted to be married to someone.  I shared about my relationship frustrations, in a big picture kind of way - my perfectionism and difficulty in settling down and feeling satisfied - and he actually helped me in thinking about life and relationships as a gift.  He also gave me the perspective that this balance I see between companionship and sexual chemistry can happen in my own life first.

Clearly there are limitations with the sexual chemistry part. lol  But I see in my own life that I'm actually more focused on physical expression through dance and theatre and less on the spiritual/emotional side.  I've been saying for a long time that I would like to find a spiritual community, so perhaps I'll put more energy into that now.

So, deep conversations were being had, and I was enjoying it very much.  After dinner, things shifted pretty quickly into physical connection.  At first, the kind of contact we do in our Inter.play theatre class, but then more sensual and then, what do you know, we're basically making out.   Definitely getting heated. When all of a sudden, he puts on the brakes.  That's the painfully predictable part.  How could I think it would go any other way?  And then, the also predictable feelings of guilt on his part.  Yuck.  And sad and hard to just screech to a stop.

A bit later, I said to him that I wished he could have just taken a step back instead of completely retreating like that.  Anyway, I was kind of mad, more frustrated and disappointed I suppose, but I do understand.  He's struggling with his own commitment to the Jesuit path, but he's still in the commitment.  And yes, he was full steam ahead to that point and then kind of dropped things, but at some level I knew that point would come.

So, no blame.  Disappointment and some sadness, yes.  But I care about him and wish good things for him.  He leaves on the 29th to spend the summer helping and supporting people in prison in Mexico for the summer.  You have to admire that kind of generosity and heart.  I hope he finds clarity and peace with his path, whatever direction it takes.

In one way, this experience was very affirming for me.  He and I had a lot of chemistry and sometimes I question whether I can find people with whom I have this strong of a connection.

I don't have big plans for the weekend.  Going to a Transition Town movie event on Sunday.  Meeting the co-parent from L.A. on Monday, I guess.  I haven't talked to him for a few days, but I assume that's still the plan.  I keep hoping for something to magically drop into place to help me make my decision about this coming cycle, but nothing yet.  I need to decide by next week.  What are your plans?

Pregnant with Possibilities

I'm so tired right now.  Yesterday, career fair.  Today, science and math conference.  Both for middle school young'uns.  Both actually fun, engaging, purposeful.  But also high octane energy!

Then, tomorrow, I'm co-facilitating the Inner Transition workshop I mentioned.  We have 20 participants!  Woo hoo!  But it feels a bit overwhelming at the moment.  I think maybe some meditation, some TV chilling and a fairly early bedtime are in order this evening.  First, however, I need to write out a few notes about what I will say at certain points tomorrow....

Other exciting happenings and potentialities:

• At the conference today, one of the other counselors recommended to our Dean that I be switched to working with the high schools (involving college matriculation process and teaching some career and CTE - Career Tech.nical Education - classes).  I could have kissed her!  So very, very cool that she did this!  The Dean apparently said, "What about N (my boss)?" and the counselor said, "She can submit a posting for the job."  And the Dean said, "Oh, okay," or something relatively positive like that.  

• Anyway, this counselor recommending me is a big deal because she is well-loved there and has a close relationship with the Dean.  Please think good thoughts!  Though I've come to love my little pre-teensters, teaching 40 of them in this set curriculum, with all the behavior management involved, is not playing to my strengths.  I can do it for a while longer but would so like to shift to older youth, who are more ready to be thinking seriously about their lives and careers.

• On the ttc front, my two test results both came back negative, which I guess is a good thing.  They were:  Lup.us Coagulant and Cardio.lipin Antibody (Cardio.lipin AB, serum).  Anybody know much about these tests?  I guess they have to do with immunological and clotting issues.

• I can't believe I might be doing another donor IUI soon.  But that seems to be where my path is leading at the moment.  And, though I don't prefer it, I will go forward with it if possible, at the same time I continue to explore other avenues.  Speaking of which, nothing much happening on the co-parent front.  The L.A. guy is still coming Memorial Day, and there is one decent-seeming guy (graduate degree, attractive, sounds sane) in Sacramento who wants to meet, so we'll see.

• Meanwhile, I have a huge crush on a Latino gentleman in my theatre class who is studying to become a Jesuit priest.  What?  Yep, that's right.  Ridiculous, people, my love life is currently ridiculous.

p.s. I'm about to ovulate and I really wish I could do something about it!

No Regrets

So, I guess my actions sometimes show pretty clearly that I'm a risk taker.  One of the bloggers I read wrote a post recently about how frustrated she felt that a young woman was planning to become an SMC when she was in serious debt.  My debt is not bad (except for my student loan), but I'm not on as strong of financial footing as I would like to be when trying to conceive.

I'm working on that.  Just submitted another resume today and sent my resume to a couple of people I respect for feedback.  As mentioned, I'd like an up-to-half-time job with some benefits to add to my current job; then I would be in an exceptional place financially. Right now, I'm getting by but it's not enough to save much, which I need to do if I'm going to be a mom.  And I want more choices.  Choices mainly, at this point, about ttc, but also other life and personal/professional development choices.

I haven't heard back yet as to how many hours I can expect to be working this summer through my college.  Possibly less than I've been working, which is concerning.  It's ironic because I want to provide "sustainable" career counseling that includes helping people to create multiple revenue streams, so they are not overly dependent on one employer.  I've watched so many people (including myself) get the rug pulled out from under them when they lose a job, and it seems to me that employers can wield far to much power over people when they are their sole source of income.  

But I haven't managed to create that for myself, so how can I counsel others in how to create it?  Perhaps as I succeed in gaining my own footing, it will lay the foundation to help my clients follow the same path.  

Which leads me to my current ttc efforts... I'm thinking about going forward with one injectable cycle next month.  I've been scouring some different sites for leftover donated or discount medication and have procured a decent amount.  

I've been waiting more than two years to move to this step and have experienced major set-backs.  I would wait for a few months and focus on employment - maybe I should do this? - but I'm scared to let go again when I'm on the verge of this next step.  

I promised myself I will try a few last times this year, and I want to honor that promise.  And I do know, I have a deep belief, that I have the resources and the ability to respond to what is needed in the moment.  I will do what it takes to provide a good environment for my child.

Ideally, yes, a partner or co-parent will manifest in rapid fashion.  This is definitely what I would prefer.  But relationships end.  Co-parenting is extremely complicated.  I'm on a short timeline here, people.  

So my way forward is definitely not set in stone.  But there is a voice inside me saying, just do it, just make that leap and trust that what is meant to be will be.  Don't have regrets.  Don't let the opportunity pass you by.  

As they say in 12-step programs, more shall be revealed.

Another Action-Packed Saturday

Yesterday started with a productive meeting about an upcoming Transition training I'm producing on the 19th.  I'm super excited about how it's coming together with several people I admire and respect involved.  Plus we'll be offering several effective and useful tools for Transition groups to support their members with "Inner Transition" (psychological/emotional shift in response to issues like climate change and economic instability) and to basically just liven up (and in some cases deepen) their meetings and events.  A great way to start the day with some very cool people.

But we all know where my mind and heart is most focused at this time, soooo, moving on... I then met with Gary from the East Coast.  It was as I expected as far as a complete lack of attraction or even seeing how I might have been attracted to him 10 years ago.  Nada.  He was also, not unexpectedly, super easy to communicate and get along with, and we had an enjoyable lunch and walk around a cute neighborhood area.  I can see he is a very good person and would make a great father, but I'm still feeling clear that I need that sense of finding someone relatively attractive in order to procreate with them.   He did share he's been having a fun adventure on this trip, seeing lots of friends he hadn't seen in a long time, which makes me feel a bit better about things not working out with us.

After leaving Gary, I had a few hours to chill out and eat something (and spend some time getting ready) before heading out for a third date with the guy, JR, I first met for breakfast a couple weeks ago.  We had an interesting phone call this week that started fairly contentious when he got a little too much into my biznas by analyzing me (it does take one to know one!).  But after a bit, the conversation settled down, and we ended up talking for almost two hours, which is what we did last time we talked, as well.  

And last night's date was a lot better than the one before.  We went to a movie and then had a drink and talked.  Very interesting topics like spirituality and relationship, etc.  It was fun.  I do find that I am a lot more relaxed with someone I don't know well after drinking a glass of wine.  I guess that's probably not unusual.  He's mentioning future things we will do together, so I think he's feeling a desire to keep getting to know one another.  I guess I am too, though still have reservations about the communication stuff.  But knowing I have a lot of fear and trust issues in that area makes me want to keep an open mind.  We shared a nice kiss goodbye at the end...

Today, I'm tired from not sleeping well but got out this morning and went running, then showered and ran some errands.  My book and the backyard are calling my name, then tonight I'm going to watch an old season of Private Prac.tice and maybe a movie.  Since my mother is not local and I'm not a mother yet, I'll spend tomorrow with my dance friends; first dancing, then picnicking at a nearby park.  Some of the regular dancers have kids, so it will be a fun family atmosphere.  

What are you all doing?  If you're trying to conceive, is Mother's Day difficult for you?  The holidays are way harder for me - this one doesn't get me so much for some reason.  Maybe partly because my mom passed away when I was young and I haven't had a very close relationship with my (step) Mom?  So, it's never stood out as a particularly special day.  I hope that changes.

More soon about additional co-parent updates and procuring drugs...

Romance and Reproduction, Part 3

This week has definitely been eventful (with regard to men anyway). 

On Thursday, I had a second date with the guy I liked from last weekend.  Unfortunately, it was a bit of a let-down.  In what is likely not a surprise to most of you: communication is important to me!  Ha! 

Apparently he's been listening to a lot of Buddhist tapes lately (not meditating though!), and has talked with me about his excitement about learning to control his feelings and reactions through changing his thoughts/focus.  This sounds positive on the surface, but translates into seeming sort of distant and unengaged.  And also, when I have feelings, not responding to them in a warm or accepting way.  We're coming from opposite directions, ironically: With a Masters in psychology and lots of personal growth work, I'm all about authenticity and expressing feelings, and he's all about changing them on not giving them much attention!  You can see the problem. 

Plus, there was this awkward moment - I guess a lesson for me - where I thought he was paying for dinner, but he wasn't really in on that plan.  I had said I needed to go somewhere moderate, but he chose a sushi place and proceeded to order tons of food.  So, I assumed (note to self, never assume) that meant he's decided to cover most or all of the bill.  But when it came, he talked about me paying for my part or getting the next dinner or whatever.  Maybe that was reasonable?  I don't know, it just didn't feel good.  But I take responsibility for not speaking up when I saw where things are going and "making an ass out of u and me."  Plus, on top of all that, I can tell he still drinks a lot, which isn't my thing at this point, and has a rambling-on-and-on talking habit. 

So, guess this one isn't likely to go anywhere, after the initial promising chemistry. :(

Moving on to yesterday, the day of two back-to-back Skype conversations with two different potential co-parents.  The first one was with the East Coast guy who was planning on coming out next week.  I've been trying to work out this lack of primal attraction thing, but have finally come to the conclusion that, whether it "should" be true or not, this type of attraction is important for me to have with someone with whom I'm procreating, regardless of whether there's any sexual contact.  I think it's actually very normal, hearing that many other women considered whether they would be attracted or have sex with their donors.  And I felt the same way with the donors I used for my IUIs.

When you think about it, as women, we are genetically combining with these men and taking them (or a genetic piece of them) into our bodies.  There is some intimacy there.  Probably moreso when it's a co-parent or known donor who you will be seeing regularly once the child is born.  But for me, it just feels very primal - like it's just not right and I can't be open to the process if I don't feel some physical attraction for them.  And I just don't have that with this guy. 

I think I started having a problem when I looked at his Facebook pictures.  There were pictures from five or ten years back and quite a few pictures in different scenarios with different people.  Not attracted to any of them.  And in fact, especially not attracted to one where he was showing more of his body.  When I was talking to him on Skype, there was a lot of positive connection on other levels that shadowed that, I think.

Anyway, we talked through it in a very positive and caring way, actually.  I do love his level of consciousness!  He's still coming out to see friends, and we will get together just on Friday afternoon.  He shared that he'd thought we had a spiritual connection and there may be some purpose for us meeting, even if it wasn't co-parenting.  I was definitely focused on the co-parenting, but it does go along with the resonance I felt with him.  I at least would like to meet him as friends, and there's always that slight chance something would shift in me when interacting with him in-person, but this is highly doubtful.  I feel great relief that he will not be staying with me for four days!

The second Skype call was with the guy from L.A., who has a three-year-old son from a previous marriage.  Ironically, the situation is kind of reversed with him.  I do feel an attraction, but communication is not nearly as comfortable or deep.  He tends to share a lot of stories, with more detail than I'd like to know.  Not inappropriate detail, more descriptive and unnecessary detail.  So, I feel somewhat frustrated and bored when he's talking. 

On the good side, he's clearly very caring and responsible, a wonderful and loving father, and is open to honest communication and feedback that I've given.  Some men would be angry or defensive when I say something about wanting more of a personal connection and less details or whatever.  I tend to be very direct at times!  He seems to roll with things and respond honestly and directly, so I like that. 

I think he's a bit overwhelmed and needs some time to process, though, because I was the first woman he connected with on the co-parent site, and he didn't expect things to move forward so quickly.  So, we'll see.  Now, I'm thinking about whether this particular communication issue matters! lol  If it's not one thing, it's another.

In other, completely crazy, news, an English gentleman (attorney? judge?) I also met on the co-parent site has offered to provide me with IVF, including PGD, in Czechoslovakia, assuming I agree to having a son and can pay for transportation there and back.  Looking up prices, though, it's only about $2,000 there for IVF.  Not sure what PGD adds to the cost.  A round-trip ticket out there is also around $2,000.  He would pay for hotel.

Doc Consult

I talked to the doctor yesterday for a phone consultation.  I'm seeing a nurse for the injectable refresher, and to get completely clear on the protocol and cost, on Tuesday morning.

So I don't have all the information yet, but, after talking to the doc, I'm leaning toward waiting until the following cycle.  It would give the DHEA  a chance to build up a bit more and allow time to feel more comfortable with whatever "sp.erm source" I end up choosing.

He did order two tests related to clotting and immunological issues.  Yay!!!  I pushed for this, as I do not want to take the "wait and see" attitude on whether I have issues, when I am investing more physically and financially with injectables.  I may go in later today or on Monday to get these tests done.

He also suggested alternating my current thyroid dose with the one lower, in an every other day pattern.  Has anyone else taking thyroid medicine done this?  I'm a little nervous to switch things up.  He said that the level I'm at now is not a detriment to ttc, but he doesn't need it that low.  I'm currently sleeping about an hour less a night (six to seven versus seven to eight hours), which is the only noticeable impact.

In other news, I went on my second date last night.  It was good in some ways and not so good in others.  I will share more later.  I'm sky.ping with my east coast co-parent in a few minutes, so will have more to report on that, as well.  I'm having mini panic attacks about him coming out, so, yeah.

Cycling Decision

I'm feeling the pressure to decide whether I'm going to cycle with injectables for this coming cycle, starting in six or seven days.  I'm talking to the doctor tomorrow.  The reasons I want to go forward with it now include:

• I feel like I've been building up to it.  I've had my tests, have a general plan, and have been taking the supplements at least the minimum amount of time they recommend.

• I have wanted to go to this next level of injectables for a couple of years now, but have been thwarted by one reason or another.  I feel like I should do at least one cycle now, when I can.  

• I haven't been talking about this, but I may have to switch to a lesser insurance at some point.  I'm not sure when that will be and want to take advantage of the better coverage while I can.

• I'm dating and, with the one guy I went out with last weekend, I see potential.  I know if I get close to him, it will get harder to go forward and continue to try.  This may be the worst reason ever.  But I just want to push forward and get this higher level effort completed.  If I get pregnant, I will be okay with whatever happens on the dating/relationship front.  If I don't get pregnant, at least I know I made a solid try, which may take a little pressure off for a month or two if I want to see where things go.  * This goes back to my previous post.  In an ideal world, as many of you advised, I would not give up my ttc efforts.  I would continue to date and ttc in parallel.  But in reality, I just don't know whether that is possible for very long, except in very special circumstances.  At a certain point, something has to change.  I know this guy wants to have a kid or kids.  Why would he go along with this plan, considering my age and that I want only one biological child? (or, note to Universe, I would welcome twins too).  And I would want him to fulfill his dreams of fatherhood, as well.

• Co-parenting.  I've put quite a bit of time and effort into researching and meeting with potential co-parents over the last month or so  - added on to months of time investigating this altogether over the past two or three years.  Part of me wants to strike while the iron's hot on this front.  This reason may be worse than the previous one!

Okay, so the good news is that, through writing this post, I see how I'm letting fear pressure me and push me forward.  I don't want that.  I want to stay grounded, take things a step at a time.  Okay.  So, the next steps are seeing what the doctor recommends and getting more clear on protocol and expenses for an injectable cycle.  Spend time with the co-parent who is coming into town next week and see if it strengthens my desire to move forward with him.  Right now, honestly, I am distracted by the new guy I went out with last weekend.  We have another date tomorrow night...

And, finally, just stay present to how I'm feeling as things unfold.  Be true to my desire to ttc (with injectables) soon.  And pay attention to what path forward feels most right.  Trust, trust, trust the process.  Easier said than done, but I'm going to try.