My Latin Crush

My Latin Crush came over for dinner last night.  To give some backstory:  we have had this really wonderful chemistry in my theatre class whenever we are partnered.  And when a few of us went to dinner afterwards, I drove him there and sat next to him and, let's just say, there was a lot of energy.  We were always connected, legs touching all through dinner, etc.  It sounds so high school, but it was fun.

In my direct way, I brought up our energy connection to him that night and said, though I knew it maybe wasn't right (due to the Jesuit thing), I couldn't help but ask if he wanted to hang out.  Well, it was kind of funny because he didn't know what that meant.  What is this "hang out"?  ha  But we ended up exchanging emails and trying to make plans...but nothing came of it.  It seemed like he had some ambivalence, understandably.   So I said thanks anyway, and good luck.

Then a couple more classes, and more energy and some talking and again, I asked him if we might get together and talk outside of class.  I swear it just popped out of my mouth, even though I knew it was not the best idea.  It was so hard to be talking, and then get pulled apart by rotating partners.  I wanted more time with him, I couldn't help it.  So he said "Yes," and we actually managed to make plans this time.

And last night was the big night and.... it was so painfully predictable!

I will say it started out wonderfully - talking, showing him our garden, making dinner, drinking some wine and talking some more.  We discussed our prior interactions, and at first he was playing it cool, like he hadn't felt like he wanted more outside of class, but he basically ended up acknowledging that he did want to see me.  I pointed out that I totally gave him an out the night at dinner when I first asked him about "hanging out," and he didn't take it.

Anyway, he also admitted he feels torn sometimes about becoming a Jesuit and questions his long-term commitment, similar to how someone would question whether they wanted to be married to someone.  I shared about my relationship frustrations, in a big picture kind of way - my perfectionism and difficulty in settling down and feeling satisfied - and he actually helped me in thinking about life and relationships as a gift.  He also gave me the perspective that this balance I see between companionship and sexual chemistry can happen in my own life first.

Clearly there are limitations with the sexual chemistry part. lol  But I see in my own life that I'm actually more focused on physical expression through dance and theatre and less on the spiritual/emotional side.  I've been saying for a long time that I would like to find a spiritual community, so perhaps I'll put more energy into that now.

So, deep conversations were being had, and I was enjoying it very much.  After dinner, things shifted pretty quickly into physical connection.  At first, the kind of contact we do in our Inter.play theatre class, but then more sensual and then, what do you know, we're basically making out.   Definitely getting heated. When all of a sudden, he puts on the brakes.  That's the painfully predictable part.  How could I think it would go any other way?  And then, the also predictable feelings of guilt on his part.  Yuck.  And sad and hard to just screech to a stop.

A bit later, I said to him that I wished he could have just taken a step back instead of completely retreating like that.  Anyway, I was kind of mad, more frustrated and disappointed I suppose, but I do understand.  He's struggling with his own commitment to the Jesuit path, but he's still in the commitment.  And yes, he was full steam ahead to that point and then kind of dropped things, but at some level I knew that point would come.

So, no blame.  Disappointment and some sadness, yes.  But I care about him and wish good things for him.  He leaves on the 29th to spend the summer helping and supporting people in prison in Mexico for the summer.  You have to admire that kind of generosity and heart.  I hope he finds clarity and peace with his path, whatever direction it takes.

In one way, this experience was very affirming for me.  He and I had a lot of chemistry and sometimes I question whether I can find people with whom I have this strong of a connection.

I don't have big plans for the weekend.  Going to a Transition Town movie event on Sunday.  Meeting the co-parent from L.A. on Monday, I guess.  I haven't talked to him for a few days, but I assume that's still the plan.  I keep hoping for something to magically drop into place to help me make my decision about this coming cycle, but nothing yet.  I need to decide by next week.  What are your plans?

SOCAP SOUL and Love

I attended the most amazing conference last weekend at the San Francisco Hub: SOCAP SOUL.

Here's the website description for those interested:

What if your job, your finances, and your  community  were all aligned with what you  value? SOCAP has created a special event, SOCAP: Soul, to help answer  that question.

Social entrepreneurs and investors, faith leaders and activists, cultural creatives, and thought  leaders are all seeking to align what they care about with their jobs, and with the way they spend and invest their money.

We’re coming together as a movement of people who see the intersection of money and meaning as imperative not only to business – but also for our families and neighbors, for ourselves and people around the world.

Be inspired by speakers who have made these decisions. Explore models and find others along the same path. Find a better way forward for this world and yourself.

The two words that keep emerging for me around it are "affirming" and "inspiring."  They had several panels of amazing people and a breakout discussion group of people in various points of transition toward creating more meaningful work for themselves.  I still need to type up my notes and plan next action steps, so more reflections to follow in later posts.  But WOW!

I feel such a mixture of feelings in my life right now, but on a Spiritual level, I am receiving a lot of positive information from various sources around the potential of creating new, more localized / meaningful / sustainable forms of economy and work.  I wish I were further along in the journey, but I guess that's typical!

Brief check-in on the man front.... S and I are talking (I know, collective groan), ha!  But we are not committed or "back together."

He said he was very mad at himself (along with me) about going to the unilateral decision place.  He expressed feeling overwhelmed and scared about me breaking up suddenly again and about whether he can do the work he needs to do on himself while in relationship.

We are working on staying a lot more connected when talking about difficult things by holding each other and breathing in a meditative way at the beginning of our meetings.  It may sound strange, but it has been a surprisingly helpful technique so far.

Perhaps oddly, I went on a date with a guy from Mat.ch on Monday night.  He seemed to like me and kissed me at the end of the night.  On my side, it was an interesting, pleasant time, but the kiss was too much.  It made me realize I'm not emotionally available to date other people right now, even if it makes part of me feel more protected and safe/less vulnerable.

S is away for the week at an NVC workshop at Esalen; a beautiful, blissed-out, hippie retreat center on the California Central Coast.  I have my appointment with a therapist next week, which I'm looking forward to...so perhaps this is a time of trying to work on ourselves and do some talking in a "no idea what the hell we are or what comes next" kind of place.  Yikes.

Before Bed

I'm going to use a NaBloPoMo prompt from last week.  Maybe that's cheating, but please forgive me!

"What do you like to do between coming home and going to bed?"

Since I'm not working full-time, I'm going to translate that into what do I like to do in the evenings during the week.

My typical evening activities might include:

• Making and eating a yummy recipe, while sipping wine.
• Reading blogs, commenting, and writing a blog entry.
• Watching favorite TV shows (Modern Family, Parenthood, Private Practice, The Biggest Loser, Parks and Recreation, The Office, etc.) or a movie.
• If sh/cm is with me: talking about our shared goals and concerns; sometimes playing a game; or working on our computers together.
• Doing yoga and stretching.

The question specified the start point being after I come home.  If not, my evenings include other outside activities, such as Interplay, Non-Violent Communication, and Transition Town Heart and Soul Groups.

When on my own at home in the evenings, though, my activities tend to be fairly introverted and mellow.  I think I have mentioned before on this blog feeling frustrated that I seem to need an external catalyst to jump start into productive "getting things done" mode.  But I also am coming to the point of acceptance of my personality and natural tendencies.

Plus, many times I'm tired by the end of the day!

One thing I've noticed will catalyze me into action in the evenings is having a creative project (such as choreographing a routine or writing something) that has a deadline. . . I'd like more of these projects coming into my life.

What about you?  What do you like to do between coming home and going to bed?

NaBloPoMo: Between

Welcome to National Blog Posting Month!  I have been meaning to sign on for a second month (after my trial run a few months ago, in which my performance was fair to middlin'), so as to plug into that external motivation, kick-in-the-butt energy of a commitment to post daily.  So here we go!

I like the theme for this month, and the picture too for that matter.  In this moment, I can think of several "Betweens" in my life.  It especially feels like I'm at a "Between" place in my career. . . even though I have a part-time job, it doesn't take much of my time, and I still feel stalled out in my life purpose.  Looking for that meaningful, creative project to sink my teeth in to, in addition to more professional counseling/assessment work.

Secondly, as you can see from reading my blog lately, I'm engaged in efforts toward trying to conceive, which feels like a "Between" place, as well: not yet a mother, but wanting it deeply, in my bones.

And finally, my relationship with sh/cm is "Between" the states of "seriously committed," and "we're in it for the long haul."  Which again, may sound crazy considering we're trying to have a child, but it makes sense to us.

Makes sense in that we both long for a child, and we would clearly be committed co-parents no matter what happens.  I'm hopeful we will eventually be more seriously committed romantic partners, as well.  But at this time, we are working through some things (including his ex coming in to town for two weeks of work, part of which he plans to assist her with, at the beginning of January grrrr).

So, I think I have lots of grist for the "Between" mill this month, in addition to my regular life and cycle updates.  I look forward to exploring with you all!

Summer of Slither

First the boring job report:  I was hoping to have final news on my second job to share in this post, but unfortunately I have not heard anything back yet.  At the end of the interview last week, they said they would let me know by the end of this week, so that may not be a good sign.

She did request my references last Friday and received them on Monday but has not called them yet (I checked with one of them today).   What do you think that indicates?  I guess I will contact her later on Monday if I haven't heard anything by then.

On the relationship front, Sh/cm and I have continued to see a lot of one another.  We had a bit of drama last week when I went solo to a friend's birthday gathering and one of the guys there was someone I had expressed interest in a few months ago when he attended one of our Interplay performances.

Apparently, K (the birthday girl, one of my Interplay friends, and my NVC group leader) told him at the time but we never connected.  He ended up going out with another one of our Interplay friends, and then I got together with the old flame.

Anyway, that wouldn't be so dramatic except that this guy took a liking to me and had some hopes about asking me out, which he proceeded to express in his NVC men's group, of which sh/cm is a member.  

It's amazing how much someone can apparently read into an elevator ride and walking to a car.

So sh/cm was telling me about this guy and I realized who it was and of course told him, completely triggering him into some old jealousy/mistrust issues.  We finally got it straightened out but it was a pain.

On a happier note, we are going to see the "Snakes and Lizards, Summer of Slither" show at the California Academy of Sciences tomorrow.  I can't wait!

My love affair with lizards goes way back and is half the reason I love to go hiking in the desert.  Also, I should mention I have a lizard tattoo (symbolically representing transformation. . . but also my love of lizards!) on my left inside ankle.

And, finally, a rather large confession: he and I have decided to go "au natural" in the birth control department, as in we have talked about it and decided we would both be okay, more than okay, if our admittedly older eggs/sperm should happen to find one another and unite.

We actually have a conception getaway planned for mid next week. . .

I know it's a bit crazy with the newness and me not having a sustainable income nailed down yet.  But on the positive side, he does well financially as a writer and I do have insurance coverage.

As they say, more shall be revealed. . .

Go with Your Gut

Sorry for my absence.  I have felt stuck around the job situation, and in a way not wanted to hold the situation up to the public light.

It seems like I've been incubating it, rolling it around in my mind, as I keep inching forward on multiple fronts.

As of now, I am scheduled to begin the job with the Career Center on Wednesday and have even gone so far as getting my fingerprints taken, TB test done, and HR paperwork signed.  But I'm still not on board.

You see, I was also called for a second interview with a green jobs training/employment program in Berkeley (which would mean no commute!).

During the first interview, I loved the feeling of the organization; it was my kind of place.  And I really liked the people, too.  Looking at their bios, it's no wonder, as we seem to have much in common and, perhaps most importantly, similar values.

This job, too, is federally funded, but it has less than half of the caseload the other one does and seems smaller scale, more team-oriented, less bureaucratic.

I would be doing similar work with the clients, but they all would be part of the green jobs training program, which I'm thinking would be: more centralized and easily managed in terms of connecting with clients; AND an inroad into green career counseling (which is the wave of the future, don't you know).

The problem - and ironically an aspect that makes it a better fit due to caseload - is that it's half-time.

I interviewed for another part-time position, and with the two combined incomes, I could create a sustainable living.  But I haven't heard back from that interview yet.  And I do have more doubts about that job in terms of fit.  Career exploration classes with junior high school students; can you say "scary"?

Every day, I've been scouring the job sites hoping to snag another part-time opportunity, but no luck yet.

Talking to my brother tonight, I asked him if he had been in a similar position - feeling you should do something, yet feeling strong fear - and how he handled it.  He said in situations like that, he tends to "go with his gut."  When he said that, I felt a "yes" inside, and I know that is what I need to do, as well.

But, then, that is scary too!

Making the Most of Freedom

I was thinking today about how I may have one month left of unemployment until I potentially start working full time in July.  This is assuming the best case scenario that I will be hired by the cool manager of the One Stop Career Center I interviewed with last Tuesday.  It's funny how having a limited quantity of something can somehow make you appreciate it more and become more conscious with how you are using it.

When I first became unemployed, I did have that sense of freedom that can come with a rare block of open time, like a vacation.  But those of you who have been unemployed or not worked for a longer period of time can perhaps attest - I hope I'm not the only one! - that something shifts after a while, and you naturally tend toward creating a somewhat regular (less than exciting) routine.

My routine has generally looked like:

8 a.m. - 10 a.m. - Awaken, morning routine (dressed, take medicine, make coffee), read and respond to email, write in journal and map out specifics of day, eat light breakfast and talk to housemate.

10 a.m. - 1 p.m. - Go running or go walk the dog I walk three days a week.  Sometimes volunteer for a couple of hours at the local Interplay office (in exchange for free classes).  Shower and make lunch.

1 p.m. - 2 p.m. - Watch my soap opera.  lol  A guilty, inane pleasure that breaks up the day. . .

2 p.m. - 5 p.m. - If it's nice out, read a book/look at email and blogs on the deck for a while.  Do job search and apply for jobs.  Make necessary phone calls.  Run errands.

5 - 8 p.m. - Cook dinner, eat dinner, talk to housemate, computer stuff.  If have evening activity, attend that (community meeting, Interplay theatre, NVC group, etc.)

8 - 11 p.m. - Watch movie and or TV, computer stuff, stretching/yoga, sometimes reading.

Zzzzzzzzz.  Wake up!  Yeah, it's pretty boring stuff.  Of course, there is the occasional interview in there, or a walk around the lake/happy hour with a friend, maybe a hike.  I have done quite a few self and career exploration/personal growth activities.  But generally, that's the weekday flow.  My need for external motivation haunts me.

Yes, I've had a few specific accomplishments about which I feel good:

• Several coaching sessions and greater clarity about my career path 
• Three trips to Oregon to see family and meaningfully participate in my brother's wedding and grandma's memorial
• Starting and maintaining this blog
• Initiating a running routine and losing weight 
• Reconnecting with an old flame, processing the past, and having a short relationship, which demonstrated we should not be in relationship 
• Obtaining a really excellent tan. . .

Yet, I can't help but question:  Why haven't I been more motivated to take more full advantage of this time?

Which bring me to the present and the sudden possibility of this phase of abundant freedom coming to an end.  What more can I do in this next month to take full advantage of this gift before it runs out?

Maybe. . . . I could:

• Take a beginning drawing class - low cost or for trade
• Spend a lot of time with sound healing/chocolate man doing interesting, fun dating stuff
• Actually break out all my new paper crafting tools my mom gifted me for Christmas and make something fabulous.  Any ideas?  Again the curse of needing external motivation. . .
• Choreograph a dance because I love to choreograph.  Offer to teach it to some friends for fun.
• Go on at least one "Artist Date" (from the Artist's Way) a week, like visiting local galleries and museums, painting pottery, or seeing a dance/theatre show.
• Go up to Oregon yet again to spend a few days with family, most especially my brother, niece and nephew, and grandpa. 
• Commit to finish all the development-focused books I started on: career assessment, emotional health/intimacy in relationship, and non-violent communication.
• Choose to master a skill that will help me in my career and find resources to help me master it.  Possibilities include basic website design, graphic design, time management, learning about a couple of new career assessment tools, or ?.  Btw, would you be willing to share your time management system or program/resource, if it is working well for you?

What do you vote for?  Anything not on the list that should be?

Interview Rapport and Loose Ends

First, I wanted to share that the interview this afternoon went really well!

I liked the woman who interviewed me, my potential future supervisor, a lot.  Based on initial appearances, she seemed to have some soulful qualities:  she was wearing a loose, silky scarf and had an interesting tapestry on the wall.

The questions were straight-forward and didn't include the annoying tricky "test" ones, like "What is your greatest weakness?" or "How would you handle a conflict with your supervisor?"  She just asked questions relevant to the job and my background, and we had a comfortable, warm rapport.

When I asked about the work culture there, she shared quite a bit of information about recent budget changes, the relationship between the two different career centers and respective staffs, and also her thoughts on managing the future dynamics of the team.

And just like on a good date, when the guy talks at the end about the next time you will get together, as I was walking out after the interview she mentioned, "The next time you come here. . ."  Good sign, right?

Tying up loose ends:

Sound Healing/Chocolate Man.  We never Skyped, but we've been emailing.  He was surprisingly supportive around my interview preparation, offering a few helpful reflective questions like, "What three things do you want them to remember about you?" and "What feeling do you want to leave them with?"

On the latter, I decided I wanted to leave them with the feeling that I was qualified and brought added benefits such as a psychology M.A.  And that they would be lucky to have me.  It helped my confidence to focus on that.

In his email this morning, he invited me to go to Sushi next week when he gets back (yay).

The guy from my theatre class who was somewhat aggressive in his invitation to be friends outside of class:  that whole situation ended rather anti-climactically.  He wrote an email asking me to go to coffee and reiterating things he admired about me.  I wrote him back saying I had gotten clear that, while I really enjoyed interacting with him in class and looked forward to continuing, I wasn't interested in being friends with him outside of class at this time, in that way.

He wrote me back thanking me for my clarity and being cool about it.  He said something about how in the past people have hesitated and he assumed it meant no when it didn't, so that's why he was persistent, but he's sorry if he made me uncomfortable.  Interesting.

I kinda want to know more about that other situation he mentioned, just because I'm curious.  I'm thinking whatever it was, that it was an anomaly and not something on which to base an approach to life. . .

My waking/sleeping experiences with time.  I guess I'll just say that I've had dreams lately about being given a challenge or problem to solve and having time constraints/pressures.  And I keep getting distracted in the dream or things take too long and I miss the deadline or, in one dream, the little girl I was supposed to set up the high chair for and feed, gets into graham crackers in the cupboard because she's hungry and I'm taking too long and all this time has passed.

I know I have already shared (a couple times) about how the last week/week and a half has been creeping by. . . but then blocks of time like a couple hours will zoom by really quickly and freak me out.

Sooo, maybe it's about the time crunch I feel to have a kid or get a job, or fears of job performance (which I do have because of difficult ending to last job).  Also, just having a lot more free time right now than people generally have. . . and being in a limbo, in-between things kind of place.

Maybe there are reasons?   But it's still weird.

Show Me the Way

Today was a good, if somewhat boring, day.  Walked the dog I walk three times a week, at an unusually slow pace due to the Summer heat starting to kick in.

Thoughts stirred up in my Interplay Theatre group last night: it it wrong that I am seeking some kind of clear path to make itself known, versus following some kind of intuitive or internal guidance?

Two recent situations contributed to this question.  In both cases, a possible romantic connection and a possible co-parent connection, I felt a forward momentum and then let down when things stalled.  It's almost like I just want something to fall into place and move me forward, but that something could be a variety of things.

Is that flighty or ungrounded?  (Maybe too much Maybe?)

Time Waits for No Woman

I am in a "liminal space."  The space between.  Having left one shore but not yet reached the other.

And sometimes I am fine with that and revel in the rich abundance of time and space: to think, to explore, to research and ruminate.  But other times, especially when my mind turns to conception, I just feel s-t-u-c-k.  And I begin to hear the ticking. . .


As I have talked about, I am currently work-challenged, without proper employ, job searching, financially disadvantaged, etc.  Unemployment offers me enough to live on, barely, until something (such as my brother's wedding in March) arises calling for greater resources.  Then I enter a stressed state of pulling from here, cutting from there, and trying to perform small miracles.

My groomswoman - yes I am proud to say I will be my brother's "groomswoman" - dress was about $200, the plane ticket is about $200, plus shoes/accessories and inevitable travel expenses. . .all money that I really don't have but am hoping to magically create as we go along.  

Which bring me to trying to conceive.  I have not been talking about that topic much yet on this blog because I am frustratingly stuck in that arena, due to said financial limitations.

And if I think about it too much, I start to get really tense because the clock does not stop for periods of unemployment.  So my strategy has been to let go, put it in the back of my mind, trust that my path will become clear in time and I am not losing my chance.

But what if I'm wrong?  I turned 42 in December and even though I feel younger, statistics show my eggs may not be on the same wavelength.  If you have any ideas, personal stories, reassurances, or prodding, I would welcome hearing any and all responses.