Mundane post about my day forthcoming (well, I will foreshadow a spicy ending). . .
So I harvested veggies and cooked a lot today. I made a baked dish of potatoes and shallots with rosemary and cooked up some well-seasoned hamburger for soft tacos.
From the garden, I picked and washed a diverse array of leafy greans: swiss chard, kale, large leaf lettuce, and green leafy lettuce. I also picked the remaining tomatoes and a few green peppers and will whip up some easy tomato sauce tomorrow, if I have time.
I accomplished some necessary phone calls and emails and went running, which I'm still managing to do a couple times a week (it's harder now that I have to finish before the sun starts setting at 4:45!).
Sh/cm and I had a lovely evening from start to finish and will soon be heading off to dreamland.
He met me at the door carrying flowers, wine, and yummy macaroon and almond cookie dessert.
I paired the fish he cooked with a salad of the greens, peppers, tomato, carrots and avocado, as well as the potato/shallot dish.
Conversation and affection flowed plentifully through dinner preparation and eating, and culminated in dessert and lovemaking in the kitchen.
Sorry, I know that's TMI! But I have to say it was nice to have such a fun and amorous evening after having some struggles around connection and communication recently.
p.s. Last night, I performed in my third Interplay Theatre performance, since joining the class almost a year and a half ago. We did a lot of expressive movement pieces - one to poetry and sound that generated lots of positive response. I also led a "gesture choir" for the first time. I shared about a typical day teaching the wacky middle schoolers, making dramatic gestures to emphasize parts of my story as several people standing being me gestured along, amplifying my movements. Sh/cm came and was sweetly supportive.
Showing posts with label sound healing/chocolate man. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sound healing/chocolate man. Show all posts
11/16/2011
11/06/2011
Does my love ever reach you?
In honor of the jealousy theme these last few days, I thought I would share this song. I'm sure many of you have heard it before.
Sh/cm and I had a bit of a breakthrough late this afternoon.
As sometimes happens, intensity of emotion can penetrate defenses and my sadness seemed to open him to a deeper level of self-awareness. He is willing to get some help dealing with old trauma that takes hold of him sometimes and sabotages his trust (and both of our equilibrium).
And just like that, a wall of fear and frustration in my own heart crumbled and fell.
Relief. Hope. Love. Yes.
Sh/cm and I had a bit of a breakthrough late this afternoon.
As sometimes happens, intensity of emotion can penetrate defenses and my sadness seemed to open him to a deeper level of self-awareness. He is willing to get some help dealing with old trauma that takes hold of him sometimes and sabotages his trust (and both of our equilibrium).
And just like that, a wall of fear and frustration in my own heart crumbled and fell.
Relief. Hope. Love. Yes.
11/05/2011
Jellyfish are Creepy: Trip to the Monterey Bay Aquarium
Did you know that Jelly Fish have no brain to speak of? Yet they move around like other living creatures or animals, seeming to navigate through space with purpose. It's creepy. Apparently the cells just react to certain stimuli and also in accordance to the cells around them, like a domino effect. Weird.
The trip overall was a good one. We also saw amazing sea horses. I'm sure you all know the males carry the young for a nice change of pace. The way they dance and use their tails to wrap around and hold onto things is pretty nifty.
My friend seems very happy to be reunited and going strong with her now fiance, and they got along well with sh/cm.
We all went out to a decadent dinner afterwards, which began with this delightful watermelon/tomato drink (it sounds gross but it was surprisingly delicious) and ending with lavender creme brulee (yum!).
In the car on the way down and back, sh/cm and I talked energetically about collaborating on a climate change workshop with similar information content to the one he did this week, but instead of non-violent communication exercises in-between the four sections to help people process, I would facilitate embodied movement exercises or creative activities. Each "between" section would be about 10 minutes or so.
We will offer these educational workshops free initially to community members and non-profit folks, adapting the material to make it most relevant to the concerns and potential action steps of each particular audience. Once we have the curriculum smoothed out, the thought is that we will offer the workshop to local non-profit organizations for a sliding-scale fee and also give "train the trainer" workshops, so that other's can give these types of workshops, as well.
Our energy around this project is exactly the type of energy I've been longing for related to collaboration, and I'm feeling both excited and hopeful.
Still no two-week-wait signs to speak of. My bbt has been bouncing around high, low, high, low, medium, so I'm not sure what that means. I'm supposedly on 7 days post-ovulation.
11/04/2011
Weekend Connections
This is going to have to be a quick one before I fall asleep right here on the couch. . .
Thanks for supportive comments recently about tension around sh/cm and exes. We had a good talk tonight and truly felt deeper empathy for the first time around situations that had triggered/upset one another.
Tomorrow morning, he is attending an annual fundraiser brunch with me for my Interplay Theatre organization, during which I may get up and do a little impromptu theatre.
Then, we are going to meet my friend M and her boyfriend, with whom she recently reunited, and check out the Monterey Bay Aquarium, then have dinner. M's the one we met at the Gilroy Garlic Festival a couple of months ago, and she shocked me when she said she and the boyfriend had broken up. Now it looks like they're heading for marriage, which should have been the case all along.
Having no two-week-wait signs whatsoever, unfortunately. I can't believe it's November already. The psychic said I might get a positive pregnancy test in December so that could be next cycle. . .
Thanks for supportive comments recently about tension around sh/cm and exes. We had a good talk tonight and truly felt deeper empathy for the first time around situations that had triggered/upset one another.
Tomorrow morning, he is attending an annual fundraiser brunch with me for my Interplay Theatre organization, during which I may get up and do a little impromptu theatre.
Then, we are going to meet my friend M and her boyfriend, with whom she recently reunited, and check out the Monterey Bay Aquarium, then have dinner. M's the one we met at the Gilroy Garlic Festival a couple of months ago, and she shocked me when she said she and the boyfriend had broken up. Now it looks like they're heading for marriage, which should have been the case all along.
Having no two-week-wait signs whatsoever, unfortunately. I can't believe it's November already. The psychic said I might get a positive pregnancy test in December so that could be next cycle. . .
11/02/2011
Seriously?
Nothing much going on here, except some tension with sh/cm. Our jealousy with one another's exes knows no bounds.
I think I'm going to ask your opinion on this difference in viewpoint we have, because it keeps coming up for us: do you think interactions with an ex-girlfriend and those with a guy I dated are in the same ballpark?
Additional information: the guy I dated a few times is currently my housemate and we have a mutual support-type relationship in which we share with one another our feelings about dating/relationships and our desires to have a child (his marriage broke up because she didn't end up wanting to have a child and he's one of those men who really wants to be a father). I have zero feelings of attraction for him and we had some flirtation when we first moved in together (I was feeling sexual and he happened to be there so I flirted with him) but haven't had any energy like that for over a year.
Sh/cm has been meeting with the ex-girlfriend weekly the whole time we've been dating because they are both part of an activist group that she co-leads. He's had emotional "triggers" come up around his relationship with her at the time of Burning Man and at her birthday, which last year apparently was the beginning of the end of their relationship.
As I write all this, it sounds so juvenile! But seriously, can you compare an ex-girlfriend relationship (who you were in love with and intimate with over several months and had trouble getting over) with a platonic housemate who you had a few dates with a year-and-a-half ago (with whom you are now friends)?
p.s. Nothing stirring on the two-week-wait front. I'm eating pineapple.
I think I'm going to ask your opinion on this difference in viewpoint we have, because it keeps coming up for us: do you think interactions with an ex-girlfriend and those with a guy I dated are in the same ballpark?
Additional information: the guy I dated a few times is currently my housemate and we have a mutual support-type relationship in which we share with one another our feelings about dating/relationships and our desires to have a child (his marriage broke up because she didn't end up wanting to have a child and he's one of those men who really wants to be a father). I have zero feelings of attraction for him and we had some flirtation when we first moved in together (I was feeling sexual and he happened to be there so I flirted with him) but haven't had any energy like that for over a year.
Sh/cm has been meeting with the ex-girlfriend weekly the whole time we've been dating because they are both part of an activist group that she co-leads. He's had emotional "triggers" come up around his relationship with her at the time of Burning Man and at her birthday, which last year apparently was the beginning of the end of their relationship.
As I write all this, it sounds so juvenile! But seriously, can you compare an ex-girlfriend relationship (who you were in love with and intimate with over several months and had trouble getting over) with a platonic housemate who you had a few dates with a year-and-a-half ago (with whom you are now friends)?
p.s. Nothing stirring on the two-week-wait front. I'm eating pineapple.
10/12/2011
Am I Crazy?
I want to write about something I'm struggling with regarding sh/cm. I've mentioned it in prior posts, but I want to talk about it in a little more detail.
As those of you who have been reading for a while know, the beginning of our relationship was a bit complicated due to a trip he took to London. On this trip, he spent some time with his ex-wife and they discussed her coming to California a few months later to stay for a month or two and see if they might want to try a relationship again.
Well, as the story continued to unfold: I agreed to date him (and theoretically other people too) even though that door was open with her; we spent more time together and became closer; and he decided to commit to a relationship with me. She lives in England and this hasn't been a problem. . . until I found out recently that he had talked to her a couple times recently and not told me, and that she was coming out to California in January to complete part of a book project they had agreed to complete together.
I was upset to learn these things and felt he'd been deceptive. He admitted as much, and said it was because it was easier. He justified it to himself by thinking he owed it to her since he had already committed to helping her in this way, and that he'd "dumped" her romantically and if he "dumped" this project, as well, it would be like saying she was worthless (I didn't exactly understand this logic).
So, we had some difficult conversation around this, and, as I shared in a previous post, I came to believe this train had travelled too far down the track and - considering he said this would be closure on his working with her and he would be transparent about communication going forward - I let it go.
But. Then another thing came up around his communication with an ex-girlfriend, with whom he meets with weekly (along with several others) as part of a local Non-Violent Communication project. He dated her for several months until the end of last year. I noticed he had some energy when talking about her a few times, as if he was carrying some unresolved feelings about their relationship (resentment/anger mainly).
I didn't think much of it or worry about it until recently, when I found out about the communication with his ex-wife. I looked back and remembered he had some emotional connection to Burning Man happening this year (he went with this ex-girlfriend last year) and then her birthday party a week or two ago (which he'd planned and orchestrated last year).
I don't feel a huge threat from either of these women, as far as him cheating on me or leaving me. But I do feel a lot of fear and upset around them. The ex-wife was a lot harder, I think because of our history and also because we had conversations about it, and he knew I wasn't comfortable with him communicating with her.
I guess when I think he doesn't care how I feel about something and just does it anyway, that feels scary. And what seems to be an ongoing strong attachment (caring, feeling of loyalty and wanting to help them) to these women is worrisome to me, as well. Maybe I'm cold-hearted, and this is the "healthy" way to feel about exes?
I should mention that he has a strong jealous streak and has expressed fears and upset around MY interaction with other men, so it's interesting to me that he seems to struggle with being sensitive and considerate to me around this area.
Tonight, he emailed me and told me after the fact that he called his ex-girlfriend to ask her about a webinar she gave and whether he might use the same channel to give a webinar on a climate talk he's putting together. Really? A phone call in the evening, was that necessary? I emailed back that I didn't like hearing that, and (immaturely) told him that maybe I would call ex-boyfriends in the coming evenings and discuss project collaboration, then report back to him about it.
Perhaps I'm overreacting, and I should be glad he told me? We just came through a tough weekend (more on that later), and I'm not appreciating additional stress and strain.
p.s. The ttc report: my bbt is at 98.3, and I'm on 9 dpo. I had acupuncture today. Not feeling any noticeable signs, other than a headache which was likely related to fatigue.
As those of you who have been reading for a while know, the beginning of our relationship was a bit complicated due to a trip he took to London. On this trip, he spent some time with his ex-wife and they discussed her coming to California a few months later to stay for a month or two and see if they might want to try a relationship again.
Well, as the story continued to unfold: I agreed to date him (and theoretically other people too) even though that door was open with her; we spent more time together and became closer; and he decided to commit to a relationship with me. She lives in England and this hasn't been a problem. . . until I found out recently that he had talked to her a couple times recently and not told me, and that she was coming out to California in January to complete part of a book project they had agreed to complete together.
I was upset to learn these things and felt he'd been deceptive. He admitted as much, and said it was because it was easier. He justified it to himself by thinking he owed it to her since he had already committed to helping her in this way, and that he'd "dumped" her romantically and if he "dumped" this project, as well, it would be like saying she was worthless (I didn't exactly understand this logic).
So, we had some difficult conversation around this, and, as I shared in a previous post, I came to believe this train had travelled too far down the track and - considering he said this would be closure on his working with her and he would be transparent about communication going forward - I let it go.
But. Then another thing came up around his communication with an ex-girlfriend, with whom he meets with weekly (along with several others) as part of a local Non-Violent Communication project. He dated her for several months until the end of last year. I noticed he had some energy when talking about her a few times, as if he was carrying some unresolved feelings about their relationship (resentment/anger mainly).
I didn't think much of it or worry about it until recently, when I found out about the communication with his ex-wife. I looked back and remembered he had some emotional connection to Burning Man happening this year (he went with this ex-girlfriend last year) and then her birthday party a week or two ago (which he'd planned and orchestrated last year).
I don't feel a huge threat from either of these women, as far as him cheating on me or leaving me. But I do feel a lot of fear and upset around them. The ex-wife was a lot harder, I think because of our history and also because we had conversations about it, and he knew I wasn't comfortable with him communicating with her.
I guess when I think he doesn't care how I feel about something and just does it anyway, that feels scary. And what seems to be an ongoing strong attachment (caring, feeling of loyalty and wanting to help them) to these women is worrisome to me, as well. Maybe I'm cold-hearted, and this is the "healthy" way to feel about exes?
I should mention that he has a strong jealous streak and has expressed fears and upset around MY interaction with other men, so it's interesting to me that he seems to struggle with being sensitive and considerate to me around this area.
Tonight, he emailed me and told me after the fact that he called his ex-girlfriend to ask her about a webinar she gave and whether he might use the same channel to give a webinar on a climate talk he's putting together. Really? A phone call in the evening, was that necessary? I emailed back that I didn't like hearing that, and (immaturely) told him that maybe I would call ex-boyfriends in the coming evenings and discuss project collaboration, then report back to him about it.
Perhaps I'm overreacting, and I should be glad he told me? We just came through a tough weekend (more on that later), and I'm not appreciating additional stress and strain.
p.s. The ttc report: my bbt is at 98.3, and I'm on 9 dpo. I had acupuncture today. Not feeling any noticeable signs, other than a headache which was likely related to fatigue.
10/09/2011
Way up in the sky, the little birds fly. . .
I sang the song below for my niece and nephew a few times over the past couple days. It met my need to be seen, and their need for entertainment.
Today's agenda: strolling around downtown Eugene and eating breakfast at the 5th Street Market; matinee showing of "Powerball"; walking along the Willamette River and heavy discussion of personality differences/comfort levels with one another in different contexts; pizza parlor replete with carousel ride for the kiddies and lots of pineapple on my salad and pizza ;-).
10/08/2011
Emotional Ride
Today was split between stress and pleasure, tension and ease.
It started nicely enough at the "Hole in the Wall" restaurant for an early breakfast with sh/cm, my 91-year-old Grandpa, cousin, cousin's husband, and two little kids.
Afterwards, though, sh/cm and I had tension come up around this trip and expectations around roles and support. He was wanting more appreciation and ease, and I was wanting more support and understanding (I wish spending time with family was nothing but sunshine and roses but that's not the case.).
The hike we took - a great workout and set among old growth trees, lush ferns, moss. and creeks - left me annoyed by sh/cm trying too hard to engage and be funny, in my opinion. I didn't want to feel that way, but I did.
But, we actually had a conversation about it and tonight's participant-created sushi dinner at my sister's house was easeful, warm, and joyous. Good food and a feeling of support and being "on the same wavelength" with sh/cm.
Yay!
It started nicely enough at the "Hole in the Wall" restaurant for an early breakfast with sh/cm, my 91-year-old Grandpa, cousin, cousin's husband, and two little kids.
Afterwards, though, sh/cm and I had tension come up around this trip and expectations around roles and support. He was wanting more appreciation and ease, and I was wanting more support and understanding (I wish spending time with family was nothing but sunshine and roses but that's not the case.).
The hike we took - a great workout and set among old growth trees, lush ferns, moss. and creeks - left me annoyed by sh/cm trying too hard to engage and be funny, in my opinion. I didn't want to feel that way, but I did.
But, we actually had a conversation about it and tonight's participant-created sushi dinner at my sister's house was easeful, warm, and joyous. Good food and a feeling of support and being "on the same wavelength" with sh/cm.
Yay!
10/07/2011
We've landed in Duckville
Wah, wah, wah. . . back to luke warm. Oh well. My Mom seemed about as happy to see me as if I were from the IRS. She did seem to appreciate the cookies I made and the eggplants and tomatoes I brought her from our garden.
Sh/cm seemed to get along with everyone well. My brother-in-law talked to him a lot (and loudly! as he is apt to do) I played with my niece and nephew: they loved the gifts I brought (the trick emptying baby bottle was a hit), and we had a fun dance party - my nephew has some sweet moves!
We are exhausted now. Breakfast in the morning at the "Hole in the Wall" cafe with my cousin's family and my Grandpa and his new girlfriend.
p.s. My sister-in-law just went off the pill and they are trying to get pregnant. We had a whispered conversation about it, and she said, "Maybe we'll be pregnant at the same time!" Here's hoping. . .
Sh/cm seemed to get along with everyone well. My brother-in-law talked to him a lot (and loudly! as he is apt to do) I played with my niece and nephew: they loved the gifts I brought (the trick emptying baby bottle was a hit), and we had a fun dance party - my nephew has some sweet moves!
We are exhausted now. Breakfast in the morning at the "Hole in the Wall" cafe with my cousin's family and my Grandpa and his new girlfriend.
p.s. My sister-in-law just went off the pill and they are trying to get pregnant. We had a whispered conversation about it, and she said, "Maybe we'll be pregnant at the same time!" Here's hoping. . .
10/06/2011
Preparations
I will truly be "Between" two places tomorrow, as sh/cm and I drive from the Bay Area up to Eugene, Oregon where my entire family resides. The Ducks won their football game against Cal tonight, so the weekend is getting off to a fabulous start!
I ran around doing tons of errands today: volunteered at Interplay; bought fun gifts for the niece/nephew and little cousins; picked up snacks and chocolate chips for the cookies I made tonight for the trip. Oh yeah, and I also bought fresh pineapple! ;-)
Just a bit more packing in the morning, pick up some bottles of California wine with sh/cm, and we'll be off!
As a side note, my mother wrote me the warmest email she's ever written, inviting us to their place for dinner when we get into town tomorrow evening and asking if that is the way I would like to start the weekend, introducing sh/cm to my family and to Eugene.
I'm not explaining adequately, but it was sweet. . . and quite unusual for my generally luke-warm mother (I don't know if I've shared this here, but my birth mom passed away when I was four, and my Dad remarried my current Mom the following year. We've never had what I would consider a typical or close mother/daughter relationship.).
I ran around doing tons of errands today: volunteered at Interplay; bought fun gifts for the niece/nephew and little cousins; picked up snacks and chocolate chips for the cookies I made tonight for the trip. Oh yeah, and I also bought fresh pineapple! ;-)
Just a bit more packing in the morning, pick up some bottles of California wine with sh/cm, and we'll be off!
As a side note, my mother wrote me the warmest email she's ever written, inviting us to their place for dinner when we get into town tomorrow evening and asking if that is the way I would like to start the weekend, introducing sh/cm to my family and to Eugene.
I'm not explaining adequately, but it was sweet. . . and quite unusual for my generally luke-warm mother (I don't know if I've shared this here, but my birth mom passed away when I was four, and my Dad remarried my current Mom the following year. We've never had what I would consider a typical or close mother/daughter relationship.).
10/01/2011
NaBloPoMo: Between
Welcome to National Blog Posting Month! I have been meaning to sign on for a second month (after my trial run a few months ago, in which my performance was fair to middlin'), so as to plug into that external motivation, kick-in-the-butt energy of a commitment to post daily. So here we go!
I like the theme for this month, and the picture too for that matter. In this moment, I can think of several "Betweens" in my life. It especially feels like I'm at a "Between" place in my career. . . even though I have a part-time job, it doesn't take much of my time, and I still feel stalled out in my life purpose. Looking for that meaningful, creative project to sink my teeth in to, in addition to more professional counseling/assessment work.
Secondly, as you can see from reading my blog lately, I'm engaged in efforts toward trying to conceive, which feels like a "Between" place, as well: not yet a mother, but wanting it deeply, in my bones.
And finally, my relationship with sh/cm is "Between" the states of "seriously committed," and "we're in it for the long haul." Which again, may sound crazy considering we're trying to have a child, but it makes sense to us.
Makes sense in that we both long for a child, and we would clearly be committed co-parents no matter what happens. I'm hopeful we will eventually be more seriously committed romantic partners, as well. But at this time, we are working through some things (including his ex coming in to town for two weeks of work, part of which he plans to assist her with, at the beginning of January grrrr).
So, I think I have lots of grist for the "Between" mill this month, in addition to my regular life and cycle updates. I look forward to exploring with you all!
9/29/2011
Romance and Travel
I am no poet, in any sense of the word, but I wanted to share with you some poetry-like writing I did today while thinking about sh/cm.
With you, it’s in the words and the touch
With you, it’s in the words and the touch
It’s the long conversations, virtual and personal
About life, love, whether humanity (and we) have a future
And how it feels to hold your hand day after day,
To kiss each other like we mean it
We keep showing up,
Somehow breaking through the icy fear
That held us back before
Into something bigger, something that holds it all and says,
“We’re good, baby. We can do this. We’re different.”
Miraculous, really, that place.
I think I’ll curl up there now
And dream of love.
I guess I'm feeling romantic. My thoughts are focused on our upcoming trip to Oregon and spending some time together with my family. We will drive up Friday morning, a week from tomorrow, and return by Monday night.
My brother kindly invited us to stay at his place, but sh/cm said he'd like to get a hotel room, and this girl who loves hotels will not be arguing the point! It will be nice to have a home base to have some alone time in-between family gatherings.
What I'm most looking forward to:
- Going on a hike with my brother and his new wife. I'm excited for sh/cm to get to know my brother, who is the person I'm closest to in my immediate family.
- Working out at the athletic club in Eugene, which our family business developed and runs. My sister and brother both work there - my sister with my Dad in the main office, and my brother in the club itself - so when we go there, we will likely have lunch and hang out. And I'll get to see my niece and nephew in the on-site childcare - bonus!
- Dinner and drinks with family. I imagine we'll go out to a nice dinner and hopefully everyone will relax and get to know each other better over some good food and wine.
- Spending playtime with my niece and nephew! (at their house) My nephew just turned two and will be super fun and probably all about the physical play. My niece is four now and into imaginary play and reading (unless that's changed). I can't wait! It will be fun to see sh/cm around the kids, and he also may spend some of this time on this own, taking a break.
I'm going to have a phone conversation with my Dad sometime this week and say something about my hopes that he will make an effort to get to know sh/cm. My Dad can be somewhat quiet and, let's just say, anti-social introverted.
Cycle-wise, I'm on Day 9 of a Femara cycle. I have felt more tired than usual, and I'm not sure if that's related. No signs of ovulation yet, which is awesome after ovulating on Day 10 last month. Hoping I make it at least to Day 12. . .
9/09/2011
A Very Busy Week (And a Follicular Phase Question)
Stopping by for a belated update before I head out to run some errands.
On the ttc front, wondering if any of you have had the experience of your follicular phase shortening after going on any of the supplements I talked about in this post? I have consistently had a 27-day cycle, with a 13-day follicular phase followed by a 14-day luteal phase.
Until last month.
Last month, my follicular phase shortened to 11 days, and this month it was around 10! At least according to my basal body temperature charting, which showed a significant, post-ovulation rise yesterday on day 11. And I tested positive on an OPK the evening of day 10 (negative that morning).
I'm worried that this may be a "bad thing" and would love any feedback you may have to give.
In other news, sh/cm and I visited his brother and family in San Diego last weekend and he was surprised that we all got along so well right from the beginning. Not to inflate myself, but apparently the relationship between his family and his two exes was less than warm and close. So, of course, I feel great about that.
And best of all, it was a fun and generally relaxed time. Walks on the beach, a tall ship festival, two lovely home-cooked dinners with friends, hot tubbing. . . and sh/cm and I had some great deeper talks on the long car ride back (I slept a lot on the ride there because we left at 8 p.m., but that's another story!).
Finally, I started the new job. . . and survived the first day!
The kids were generally engaged and fairly well-behaved - except for a couple students in one of the classes but it wasn't too horrible. It definitely took stamina to get through so many class periods, but I kept reminding myself of the high hourly pay rate to keep me going!
If I can just get through this one day a week, I think I'll develop a lot professionally. And I can have a stiff drink at the end of the day! lol
On the ttc front, wondering if any of you have had the experience of your follicular phase shortening after going on any of the supplements I talked about in this post? I have consistently had a 27-day cycle, with a 13-day follicular phase followed by a 14-day luteal phase.
Until last month.
Last month, my follicular phase shortened to 11 days, and this month it was around 10! At least according to my basal body temperature charting, which showed a significant, post-ovulation rise yesterday on day 11. And I tested positive on an OPK the evening of day 10 (negative that morning).
I'm worried that this may be a "bad thing" and would love any feedback you may have to give.
In other news, sh/cm and I visited his brother and family in San Diego last weekend and he was surprised that we all got along so well right from the beginning. Not to inflate myself, but apparently the relationship between his family and his two exes was less than warm and close. So, of course, I feel great about that.
And best of all, it was a fun and generally relaxed time. Walks on the beach, a tall ship festival, two lovely home-cooked dinners with friends, hot tubbing. . . and sh/cm and I had some great deeper talks on the long car ride back (I slept a lot on the ride there because we left at 8 p.m., but that's another story!).
Finally, I started the new job. . . and survived the first day!
The kids were generally engaged and fairly well-behaved - except for a couple students in one of the classes but it wasn't too horrible. It definitely took stamina to get through so many class periods, but I kept reminding myself of the high hourly pay rate to keep me going!
If I can just get through this one day a week, I think I'll develop a lot professionally. And I can have a stiff drink at the end of the day! lol
8/24/2011
HPT/Relationship Results
I took my first HPT today. B - F - N
I didn't really expect much more for 9 days post-ovulation (dpo) and not experiencing any blatant signs, as of yet. In previous cycles, if I took an HPT at all, it was later in the cycle, when it was more likely to be accurate.
But this time, I decided that I would take a completely different approach and test every day, starting at 9 dpo. My thinking is that I will not be as disappointed with early negatives. Also, it gives me something active and real on which to focus, when I can so easily slip into overanalyzing every little non-symptom.
Speaking of which, what I've felt so far, pregnancy related or not: sharp twinge-like cramps on the right lower side of uterus at 4 dpo; breast soreness, especially the last few days; lighter twinges on right lower side of uterus, as well as slightly higher on left side, yesterday; a low-grade but persistent headache on 3 and especially 6 dpo.
So, nothing too out of this world definitive and exciting. I will report on whether anything changes and on the daily test results. My cycle usually ends on day 28, but this cycle had a short pre-ovulation phase so I'm guessing it will end at 26 days, though still 13/14 dpo.
Another topic on my mind, stemming from my relationship with sh/cm, regards the 80/20 rule. Have you heard of this? Apparently, in most working relationships, about 80% is good and about 20% is not so good.
I'm curious, first about whether this is true for all my friends/acquaintances (both online and off) who are in working relationships (have been together more than a few months and would say they are in a "long-term" relationship). If not, what IS the percentage ratio?
And second, what is the approximately 80% and 20% each comprised of? For instance, do most people seem to more highly value the sexual side of the relationship or the friendship side? This could be further divided into the four quadrants: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. Where do each of these four quadrants tend to fall in that 80/20 split?
And then I can analyze what, if any, patterns emerge. . .
Or perhaps every partnership is unique and the results will fall all over the map?
If those of you who are in long-term relationships would be willing to share your thoughts on these questions, I would appreciate it. Then, I can add mine, compile, and summarize the results back through this blog. I plan to keep asking people until I collect answers from approximately 20-30 people.
I don't want to share too much yet about my own answers, except to say that my relationship with sh/cm is not perfect. I know that no relationship is perfect, and I'm reflecting on whether I believe ours is perfect enough. It's the best relationship I have had, and definitely the most intimate in all quadrants. We continue to grow, both in the relationship and individually.
But, ironically, my relationship with the old flame was stronger in the one area that is challenging in some ways for me with sh/cm. So I have this recent situation that was so much worse in almost all areas, yet mocks me with it's perfection in this one area. :-/
Any feedback or thoughts welcome!
I didn't really expect much more for 9 days post-ovulation (dpo) and not experiencing any blatant signs, as of yet. In previous cycles, if I took an HPT at all, it was later in the cycle, when it was more likely to be accurate.
But this time, I decided that I would take a completely different approach and test every day, starting at 9 dpo. My thinking is that I will not be as disappointed with early negatives. Also, it gives me something active and real on which to focus, when I can so easily slip into overanalyzing every little non-symptom.
Speaking of which, what I've felt so far, pregnancy related or not: sharp twinge-like cramps on the right lower side of uterus at 4 dpo; breast soreness, especially the last few days; lighter twinges on right lower side of uterus, as well as slightly higher on left side, yesterday; a low-grade but persistent headache on 3 and especially 6 dpo.
So, nothing too out of this world definitive and exciting. I will report on whether anything changes and on the daily test results. My cycle usually ends on day 28, but this cycle had a short pre-ovulation phase so I'm guessing it will end at 26 days, though still 13/14 dpo.
Another topic on my mind, stemming from my relationship with sh/cm, regards the 80/20 rule. Have you heard of this? Apparently, in most working relationships, about 80% is good and about 20% is not so good.
I'm curious, first about whether this is true for all my friends/acquaintances (both online and off) who are in working relationships (have been together more than a few months and would say they are in a "long-term" relationship). If not, what IS the percentage ratio?
And second, what is the approximately 80% and 20% each comprised of? For instance, do most people seem to more highly value the sexual side of the relationship or the friendship side? This could be further divided into the four quadrants: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. Where do each of these four quadrants tend to fall in that 80/20 split?
And then I can analyze what, if any, patterns emerge. . .
Or perhaps every partnership is unique and the results will fall all over the map?
If those of you who are in long-term relationships would be willing to share your thoughts on these questions, I would appreciate it. Then, I can add mine, compile, and summarize the results back through this blog. I plan to keep asking people until I collect answers from approximately 20-30 people.
I don't want to share too much yet about my own answers, except to say that my relationship with sh/cm is not perfect. I know that no relationship is perfect, and I'm reflecting on whether I believe ours is perfect enough. It's the best relationship I have had, and definitely the most intimate in all quadrants. We continue to grow, both in the relationship and individually.
But, ironically, my relationship with the old flame was stronger in the one area that is challenging in some ways for me with sh/cm. So I have this recent situation that was so much worse in almost all areas, yet mocks me with it's perfection in this one area. :-/
Any feedback or thoughts welcome!
8/05/2011
Cycle Day 1
Grrrr.
Disappointing, but not surprising. This cycle just didn't feel "active," like anything was happening.
I have had a couple of early chemical pregnancies that didn't stick (as well as a bit later miscarriage a few years ago, but that's a post for another day), and I feel like I notice subtle conception feelings in my body.
People say every cycle is different, and sometimes you just don't know, but I find it hard to believe I would have no clue at this point. Wouldn't mind being proven wrong!
Looking forward to this weekend. . .
Tonight, we are having dinner at the restaurant near where sh/cm lives called "Crepevine," where we had several of our early dates. For a variety of reasons, we haven't been lately, but tonight I am very much looking forward to a glass of red wine and one of their famous gourmet burgers.
Sunday, we are starting the day with one of my favorite weekend activities, a trip to the Farmer's Market, and then heading off to a workshop called, "The Workshop Workshop." Yep, I just said workshop three times in one sentence. hehe It's about creating an impactful workshop in your area of expertise, building from the ground up.
I hope to expand my workshop creation/facilitation abilities beyond past interactive theatre and book-based workshops and bring some new techniques on board. Potential for solo work, money making, career and self development content, Transition Town/localization/sustainability work, partnering with local organizations, etc. Woo hoo!
What are your weekend plans?
Disappointing, but not surprising. This cycle just didn't feel "active," like anything was happening.
I have had a couple of early chemical pregnancies that didn't stick (as well as a bit later miscarriage a few years ago, but that's a post for another day), and I feel like I notice subtle conception feelings in my body.
People say every cycle is different, and sometimes you just don't know, but I find it hard to believe I would have no clue at this point. Wouldn't mind being proven wrong!
Looking forward to this weekend. . .
Tonight, we are having dinner at the restaurant near where sh/cm lives called "Crepevine," where we had several of our early dates. For a variety of reasons, we haven't been lately, but tonight I am very much looking forward to a glass of red wine and one of their famous gourmet burgers.
Sunday, we are starting the day with one of my favorite weekend activities, a trip to the Farmer's Market, and then heading off to a workshop called, "The Workshop Workshop." Yep, I just said workshop three times in one sentence. hehe It's about creating an impactful workshop in your area of expertise, building from the ground up.
I hope to expand my workshop creation/facilitation abilities beyond past interactive theatre and book-based workshops and bring some new techniques on board. Potential for solo work, money making, career and self development content, Transition Town/localization/sustainability work, partnering with local organizations, etc. Woo hoo!
What are your weekend plans?
6/21/2011
Don't Wanna Be Fear's B*tch
On the cusp of this full-time federally-funded case manager job opportunity, and fear is taking me for a ride. On the one hand, I'm afraid of going through the big FAIL again, hearkening back to my last, similarly funded job: the lack of support, the unexpected new grant tripling my caseload, and the escalating nightmare in which I felt unable to succeed.
And on the other hand, I'm afraid of losing equanimity; spiraling into chaos and exhaustion with a full-time job plus a longer commute. I don't think the latter fear would be as strong if this job wasn't federally-funded and, as they admitted in the second interview today, 50 - 60% detail-oriented paperwork and reporting tasks.
It turns out this job also has a caseload of 80 - 100 clients. Granted, they would be adults versus youth and likely much more self-motivated and self-aware, but still I imagine that the career counseling/development process would necessarily be less deep with those kind of numbers.
I have a couple other potential opportunities: as a part-time case manager with a green job training/education organization; and as a part-time career exploration class facilitator for junior high school students (funded through a local community college).
A well-paying part-time job could be a building block to creating multiple income streams, which has been my long-term vision for over 15 years. I've imagined these income streams including career counseling clients, writing a book/e-book/workbook, teaching a class(es), and co-producing social change theatre/dance projects.
Multiple income streams could potentially create more stability/independence, flexibility, and also more excitement. I feel like I've lost myself for years at a time in previous jobs, then come out the other side wondering where all the time went.
Maybe because these jobs were not a great fit, but they seemed to suck my lifeforce and leave me with little energy for anything else of substance. Sounds so dramatic, ha! Anyway, I'm trying to wrestle with all this and not just react from the fear.
On the relationship front, sh/cm and I are talking a lot and growing closer. Can't remember if I shared that he came with me to my ecstatic dance group a week ago last Sunday. So sweet and endearing when someone goes outside their comfort zone for you.
Also really appreciating sharing a non-violent communication familiarity and using this tool on a regular basis. It makes a big difference when both people are on board, believe me!
When we're together, those waves of strong feeling will wash over me and there's more of a sense that he is "mine." I changed my Face.book status and received nice comments and lots of "likes." Silly, but it made me happy.
I think I will write about my distancing pattern in more detail sometime in the near future, because I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences. It has been such a torment to me over the years. I told sh/cm that if I could cut off a finger and be rid of it, I would. Disturbing, but true.
But overall, the way we deal with it together is reassuring, and we seem to keep getting to the other side and feeling closer.
On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to making banana bread tomorrow with a bunch of aging bananas we have in the fridge.
And going running first (in the morning as it's going to be a scorching day) to burn off the banana bread calories, as well as the Taco Be.ll taco salad I devoured this afternoon!
6/15/2011
Riding the Wave
Beautiful summer day. Housemate is out of town for the next week so feeling spacious in my space. I'm feeling the bullet update today:
This defense has happened in other relationships I've had since completing a 12-step program 10 or so years ago, and I have various theories as to why it happens (more in frontal lobe and less primal in my choices of mate now? or, without the other ways of keeping "safe" and not getting too intimate that I had before the program, my mind came up with this strategy?). But it's a big pain in the you-know-what.
On the positive side, instead of internally battling with myself and feeling distant, I am able to talk about things with sh/cm and we feel closer through doing so. It feels like we are building trust, and I am hoping I might be able to ride this reactive intimacy-defense wave through to the other side for once.
Feeling a lot of gratitude and love for him and our connection, as well as sadness that my psyche is putting myself and him through some challenges right now.
- Things are moving forward with my job opportunity. The supervisor has been in contact via email, checking references and asking me about meeting with the two other caseworkers. Still feeling some fear around this, due to jumping into another federally-funded, full-time job with a commute (40 min), but I believe the supervisor and work environment would be big pluses.
- Moving forward slowly but surely on the green jobs writing project with sh/cm. Meeting about this tomorrow to nail down outline and create a research agenda.
- On other, more personal, fronts with sh/cm, a couple of days ago we officially crossed the line into exclusivity. On the one hand, so exciting to imagine all the things we can enjoy together now and the potential for some big life goals/needs to be met. But on the other hand, immediately after, my intimacy defense mechanism reared it's ugly head, and my brain honed in on a perceived physical flaw, which I won't even give weight too by mentioning. It was literally right after we made that decision.
This defense has happened in other relationships I've had since completing a 12-step program 10 or so years ago, and I have various theories as to why it happens (more in frontal lobe and less primal in my choices of mate now? or, without the other ways of keeping "safe" and not getting too intimate that I had before the program, my mind came up with this strategy?). But it's a big pain in the you-know-what.
On the positive side, instead of internally battling with myself and feeling distant, I am able to talk about things with sh/cm and we feel closer through doing so. It feels like we are building trust, and I am hoping I might be able to ride this reactive intimacy-defense wave through to the other side for once.
Feeling a lot of gratitude and love for him and our connection, as well as sadness that my psyche is putting myself and him through some challenges right now.
6/10/2011
Help! Dating 911
Help!!! I need to go on a date now! No, really, like right now! I know it would be good for me and the situation I am currently navigating with sh/cm.
So wishing there were an insta-date service I could access. I just need a casual, no expectations date - maybe dinner or dancing, home at a reasonable hour, old-fashioned kiss at the door, you know?
Why am I in crisis dating mode?
Well, in light of our fast progression, I told sh/cm that I needed to take a step back from what felt like the "relationship mode" we had entered. He was surprised and a bit upset. We talked things through, reaching what I thought was some understanding, and then got together last night for dinner at his house and a cafe discussion of an e-book project on which we may be collaborating (excited about this).
So at the cafe, we are drinking wine, him a bit faster than me, and he suddenly stops and says he has thought a lot and really wants to tell me something. Dum dum dum dum dum dum DUM!
"I love you."
Aaaach! What!
And if you're thinking this means the "give it another go" with the ex is now logically and automatically off, you would be wrong.
So the night was actually lovely overall, but I questioned why now with the heartfelt expression? He did admit that he was taken off guard by my assertion that I wanted to spend less time together, and this may have influenced the timing.
The authenticity of the expression I do believe, but yes, quite frustrated and confused with the timing. Apparently what I told him about needing things to be less intense didn't land properly.
Anyway, we may see each other tonight at a meeting (if I make it. I'm currently having a glass of wine, sunning on my porch and the meeting is "optional") and have plans to attend my dance fundraiser, a speaker, and have dinner/a business talk on Sunday.
Not sure how to NOT make plans with him when I am excited about seeing him and about so many of the things we could experience together - reptile exhibits (seriously), bar-b-q, wine tasting, activist stuff, dancing classes, etc.
I'm not good at saying no to myself simply because it's the "right thing to do." So I need some external assistance. Please, if you know anyone in the Bay Area, hook me up!
p.s. He did say he is going to see his daughter next weekend, and after this time away, hopes to come to greater clarity and focus on the situation. Awesome.
5/31/2011
Transformation
Here is a video of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, to accompany the description in the previous post. I am trying to find a video or animation of the actual process within the cocoon, but no luck yet.
Last night, I went out to dinner and came to an agreement with sh/cm. To create mutuality, we will be "dating" until November, and I will actively seek to date/be dating other people. I fully intend to do this and even updated my online dating profile today. He, on the other hand, will be keeping the door open with his ex during this time, basically dating her too as I see it, even though she lives in England.
I feel okay about doing this for the limited time of a few months, so that we can continue to get to know each other and see how things develop.
Today we went to a yummy Thai lunch - continuing to appreciate how uncommonly easy it is to be/talk with him - and then to the movie, Bridesmaids. If you need a good laugh, I highly recommend it.
5/29/2011
Spiritual Ruminations
Blogger has been giving me hell yesterday and today, or maybe it's my computer, I'm not sure yet. In any case, I haven't been able to post or leave comments. Accessing my blog through another browser seems to have fixed the problem for now.
Yesterday, I reconnected with one of my spiritual teachers, Barbara Marx Hubbard (BMH), and thought I would share a couple of related links for anyone who wants to check them out. The first one is her Facebook site where you can learn more about her and her ideas, books, courses, etc. The second one she posted on her wall. I haven't jumped into it yet, but plan to do so in the near future.
Barbara Marx Hubbard Facebook
Evolutionize Your Life! Michael Dowd & Connie Barlow
One of my favorite concepts from her book Conscious Evolution speaks to the idea of "Imaginal Cells." Imaginal Cells were originally a biological concept within the process of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. As the caterpillar's physical structure breaks down within the cocoon, Imaginal Cells emerge to rebuild the organic matter into the form of a butterfly.
Using this metaphor, BMH talks about our societal structures breaking down at times of evolutionary change and people/orgs emerging in the role of "Imaginal Cells" to recreate something new (more complex/evolved).
When I read this idea in graduate school, I loved the idea of being or being part of an Imaginal Cell. I resonated with the thought that many current societal structures were not working/breaking down, and that, through consciousness and choice, we could take a more active role in our evolution.
There is also a "Gateway" study program BMH offers. I completed the first iteration of this program way back when, on a scholarship. I'm now feeling drawn to spend some more time with my work in this program, with her and other related teachers' ideas and courses, and hope to share my progress periodically on this blog.
Brief sound healing/chocolate man update: We have been having some pretty deep email exchanges. He said he had a "break through" yesterday in one of the NVC workshops of his weekend intensive. I'm trying to keep expectations low, but needless to say am curious as to if/how this relates to our situation.
In considering whether there were any way I might continue spending time with him and feel emotionally comfortable, I have thought about maybe actively seeking to date other people and dating him, while keeping some clear boundaries.
I think that would only work for me, however, within the framework of him dating his ex and dating me (and possibly others), not if he is committed or "in relationship" with his ex. I don't see how we can be "just friends" with the chemistry piece there. . .
But then I'm not sure how it would feel knowing about her plans to come stay with him for a couple of months in November. So this is all fodder for our conversation tonight and/or tomorrow.
I am appreciating his honesty now (after withholding information while on his trip) and find my time and conversations with him are adding a lot to my life. I just would rather not get hurt, you know?
Yesterday, I reconnected with one of my spiritual teachers, Barbara Marx Hubbard (BMH), and thought I would share a couple of related links for anyone who wants to check them out. The first one is her Facebook site where you can learn more about her and her ideas, books, courses, etc. The second one she posted on her wall. I haven't jumped into it yet, but plan to do so in the near future.
Barbara Marx Hubbard Facebook
Evolutionize Your Life! Michael Dowd & Connie Barlow
One of my favorite concepts from her book Conscious Evolution speaks to the idea of "Imaginal Cells." Imaginal Cells were originally a biological concept within the process of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. As the caterpillar's physical structure breaks down within the cocoon, Imaginal Cells emerge to rebuild the organic matter into the form of a butterfly.
Using this metaphor, BMH talks about our societal structures breaking down at times of evolutionary change and people/orgs emerging in the role of "Imaginal Cells" to recreate something new (more complex/evolved).
When I read this idea in graduate school, I loved the idea of being or being part of an Imaginal Cell. I resonated with the thought that many current societal structures were not working/breaking down, and that, through consciousness and choice, we could take a more active role in our evolution.
There is also a "Gateway" study program BMH offers. I completed the first iteration of this program way back when, on a scholarship. I'm now feeling drawn to spend some more time with my work in this program, with her and other related teachers' ideas and courses, and hope to share my progress periodically on this blog.
Brief sound healing/chocolate man update: We have been having some pretty deep email exchanges. He said he had a "break through" yesterday in one of the NVC workshops of his weekend intensive. I'm trying to keep expectations low, but needless to say am curious as to if/how this relates to our situation.
In considering whether there were any way I might continue spending time with him and feel emotionally comfortable, I have thought about maybe actively seeking to date other people and dating him, while keeping some clear boundaries.
I think that would only work for me, however, within the framework of him dating his ex and dating me (and possibly others), not if he is committed or "in relationship" with his ex. I don't see how we can be "just friends" with the chemistry piece there. . .
But then I'm not sure how it would feel knowing about her plans to come stay with him for a couple of months in November. So this is all fodder for our conversation tonight and/or tomorrow.
I am appreciating his honesty now (after withholding information while on his trip) and find my time and conversations with him are adding a lot to my life. I just would rather not get hurt, you know?
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