Does my love ever reach you?

In honor of the jealousy theme these last few days, I thought I would share this song.  I'm sure many of you have heard it before.

Sh/cm and I had a bit of a breakthrough late this afternoon.

As sometimes happens, intensity of emotion can penetrate defenses and my sadness seemed to open him to a deeper level of self-awareness.  He is willing to get some help dealing with old trauma that takes hold of him sometimes and sabotages his trust (and both of our equilibrium).

And just like that, a wall of fear and frustration in my own heart crumbled and fell.

Relief.  Hope.  Love.  Yes.

Purple Rain

Dramatic scene calls for a dramatic song.

I went out on what I thought was a fun, romantic *second date with sound healing/chocolate man.  We met at his house after my Interplay theatre group, then walked to a local sushi restaurant. . .
*Only second date, though we knew each other briefly before from a grassroots community group and have been talking on the phone, then emailing during his trip.

Where he proceeded to tell me:

First, that he had thought about what I said about wanting a child and that he had already done that and was not interested in doing it again but admired and respected my desire to do so blah blah blah; and

Second, that in the course of his two-week trip to England (during which I was 'wishing I were there' and missing him if you recall, grrr), he had spent time with his ex-wife and they had decided to give it another go.  Apparently, she is coming out here for a couple of months in November.

Yes, it does seem odd now that I think about it that this is not for another six months.

Needless to say, I felt taken off guard, then angry and sad, all of which I expressed.  And to his credit he heard.  We do seem to have great communication.  sigh.

When I asked why he didn't give me a clue this was happening during the trip, and in fact gave signs then and all the way up to dinner that things were moving forward with us, he said that the reality of the situation hadn't hit him emotionally and also he wanted to talk to me about it in person.  Hmm.

I told him I would  have much preferred to know and then discuss it further in person, rather than go along for two weeks thinking everything was fine.  He did say he was sorry.

Then oddly we proceeded to have a generally enjoyable night, continuing to talk about things and also express our feelings for each other, which seem mutually bigger than they should be considering the short time we've spent together.

I should mention that in the course of the conversation I suggested the kid thing might be an excuse or way to feel better about the other thing (he said he really wanted a family in his 40's then felt he was too old now he's 50), and he said he did think we likely could have come to an agreement on that.

And we laughed a lot throughout the evening.  I really like his sense of humor.  sigh.

When we parted ways at my car, we hugged and then he kissed me.  I kissed him back, which maybe wasn't a good idea.  He told me he was having regrets.

In the light of day, my response to that is, "Well that's lovely, call me when your regrets have turned into clear actions showing you are available and want to date me, K?"

So, yeah, I'm in a Purple Rain kinda mood. . . mainly just disappointed.

I Got Soul

I thought maybe I would share some more music with you tonight.  My brother introduced me to The Killers a while back, and they are currently enjoying top billing on my authentic life running soundtrack.  Hope you enjoy them too.

Go ahead with your own life. . .

Here is another hit song from my authentic life soundtrack.

I will always love Billy Joel.  He was the first concert I ever attended, my freshman year of college, and I slept outside the student recreation center at the University of Colorado all night to get tickets.  He has claimed a spot in the soundtrack of my life ever since.

When I need to claim my own choices and stand up for myself, this song fills my well of confidence.  I hope it gives you strength, as well, or at least some entertainment.

My favorite lines:
"I don't care what you say anymore, this is MY LIFE.  Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone."

Like Frankie said, "I did it my way."

This song from my authentic life soundtrack has been running through my head the past couple of days, so I thought I would share the magic.  Okay, so it's not an especially deep or complex song, but for whatever reason I feel strong and kind of badass when I hear it.

Five more days until R arrives.  He will be here from Wednesday evening until Monday morning.  I feel like I can be myself with him and he accepts me (even my PMS, edgy side!), which makes me happy.  I decided I am not going to ask him directly if he is open to having another child (he has three already) until he is here with me.  I have a sense he will be open but time will tell.  Will post again soon about recent developments. . .

Limited Vision

As you can probably see, I've been struggling a bit with formatting on this blog.  I like to write out a draft post in a document on my Mac, then cut and paste.  But somehow during this process the font changes and no longer complies normally with blogger editing tools.

Anyway, it's a work in progress, and I'm enjoying the process of learning!

A thought today:  It's so easy to judge others and separate ourselves from them and their situation.  My father did that recently with regard to my life and his idea of "meaning."

I know I have done the same thing looking at my parents' choices.  And I have done it in relationships, taking on an attitude of contempt versus compassion.

This song, by Ani DiFranco fills me with a sense of strength when I hear it and is a reminder that each of us is so much more than one person's necessarily limited view and judgments.

Make Your Own Music

I have recently compiled a playlist of songs that inspire me to be more authentic and claim my own identity and my own life.  This one is at the top of the list right now, and I wanted to share it with you.  I will continue to share the songs in future posts.