Another Round of Fun

It's been a while, but I recently had another cry about my break-up with S.  The wave of sadness came on unexpectedly, as they often do; this one while re-reading our most recent email exchange.  


We had not communicated since I had emailed him post-Christmas, after receiving his email confirming he had spent the holiday with his ex and that his romantic feelings for us had been fading - according to him, of their own accord, not due to anyone else taking that focus.  I said that I doubted his ability to be truthful and did not want to be friends at this point, but may want to talk in the future.  


Then, a couple weeks ago I felt strong enough to talk further about our relationship and insights I had discovered.  So, I wrote him an email explaining the emotional pain in which I wrote the last email, but that I was now feeling the need for more closure and understanding.  I asked if he was willing to have a conversation, and this is the core of the reply I received:


"We did have something special. I'm left confused by our breakup. However, I feel deeply convinced that it's the right thing for me. 

I'm not up to, nor up for, discussing it with anyone yet, and probably least of all with you. I think I did a few things that would have been very hard on any relationship, and I think some of your ways of reacting and interacting were particularly hard on me (vs. some imaginary "average" man who's a bit less sensitive, especially to particular constructions of words). 

I have a lot to unpick on my side before I'll be more emotionally resilient, and ready to not require of a partner that they be extraordinarily resilient, just to withstand my being what seems like myself. I do still think this will need expert help. 

As we saw, the hard way, I also have strong connections to two of my exes, and I have to figure out just what I'm willing to give and take on those before I try a relationship again."


Is it just me, or is his tone excessively formal?  Actually, knowing him, I can say that he tends to write on the formal side but this is extremely formal, even for him.

He also said he's not ready to talk about our relationship as a whole and asked for space.  No specific timeframe but indicated several months.  Btw, he didn't say anything I hadn't already heard, content-wise, in the email.  Some of the things he says point out our differences in preference for direct and indirect communication.  I thought the way he framed the situation with his exes was particularly gentle on himself, to put it mildly.


After reading this email from him, I felt disappointed, angry, and hurt (also some yuckiness).  Because of the formality and refusal to engage with me, I guess.  Is his response fair?  What is going on with him?  Feeling guilty?  Or just emotionally overwhelmed and unable to deal with talking to me?  


It feels like he's holding onto control and not considering my feelings in the equation, which is resonant with how he's behaved as a whole during our breakup.  

I did write back an immediate response, which I don't regret, and which says some of the things I've wanted to say.  But it's far from comprehensive.  Here is an excerpt:

"I have a couple initial thoughts I'd like to share.  I want to be clear I was in not asking you to get back together.  I was asking for what I consider an extremely reasonable thing: to have a conversation about our relationship post-breakup.  That you will not have this with me is deeply confusing and hurtful to me.  Do you not feel some sense of responsibility, or, if not that, caring for my needs around this?  I don't understand what is so scary or threatening about talking to me.  Part of what I wanted to share with you has to do with my own revelations about myself and some of the choices I made; stuff I imagine you would want to hear."


I then expressed some strongly-worded feelings about how his choices at the end of our relationship sucked and diminished my view of us and our relationship. . .


". . .That said, I recognize my own role in our issues, including checking out sometimes and not being present to what was actually happening, taking you and your communication for granted at times (or not respecting and caring for your feelings at times around communication).  And there was lots of stuff with our chemistry, on both sides.  I just wanted it to get better but was not admitting that it was not getting better and was in fact getting worse.  I don't completely understand, because the emotional/mental is so interconnected with the physical, but there were problems and I don't think I faced them directly at the end."


Ah breakups, how fun you are.  Not.


I'm really doing okay overall and healing well.  But we shared so much, and he and our relationship meant a lot to me.  I want to understand as much as I can about what happened.  And I do want more closure.  I suppose I may have to find more closure for myself at this time, as so many people have had to do before me when their partner refused to process with them.  


Admittedly, when I transport myself back through the reality of our relationship, I remember how so many times I did not want to get close to him in circumstances that I think in a "healthy enough" relationship you should want to get close to someone.  As I said to him, I don't fully understand how the emotional/mental connects to the physical.  On some level, did I sense that he was not being completely transparent with me about his exes and therefore feel unsafe and less attracted/sexual with him?  I don't know.  He had lapses in his feelings of hotness for me too that may have fed into my feelings.  


Overall though, I don't think the hotness factor was high enough for what I want and need in a long-term relationship.  SO many wonderful companion qualities were present.  And at the beginning, he was so into me that it fueled my passion for him.  Does anyone else experience this phenomenon of feeling more attracted to someone if they are totally into you?  Anyway, this pattern seemed to subside far too quickly, within a couple months of us committing to each other.  


Another factor that fueled our attraction/connection was trying to get pregnant.  Something both of us really wanted.  And it was exciting that we both were so fully on board with this goal and working toward it together, going through the process each month as a team.  I can tell you, after trying for many cycles over the years as a single woman, it was really nice to have someone else next to me on the roller coaster sharing mutual support.  But month after month of failure. . . and then we took a month off from trying. . . and our already deflating passion seemed to deflate further.  


Thanks for listening to my ongoing analysis.  Your support and comments through this breakup has really meant a lot to me and helped me through the dark times.  


Part of me would like to write a second email to him saying, "F you," to take some control (and if I'm honest, hurt him like he hurt me).  But that would be shooting myself in the foot considering we are part of the same community and will have to deal with each other in the future.  


Also, emotionally, I would like to end on a healthy note, ideally even a loving note, but time will tell if that is possible.  For now, I will just keep healing my own heart and writing my feelings, as needed, on my own.  And if I get to the place where I want to send him a more comprehensive final letter, I can do that too.

Finally, a Good Mood

I've been in a good mood today, believe it or not.  The first true good mood in several weeks, if not longer, it seems.

Possible reasons include cutting back on the supplement DHEA, which I think may be helping.  In addition, I'm on what I call my "hormonal upswing," a few days into my cycle, and I had a really big, ugly cry on Monday (and a smaller one yesterday), which released some grief.

During my Monday cry, I became clear that I'm aching to fully love someone - that I hadn't been able to do that with S and felt deeply sorry about that fact.  It sounds fairly simple but felt like a significant insight and shift from feeling despairing and wounded.  I still have sadness and am constantly getting triggered by memories and seeing emails or event announcements for things we did together in the past.  I looked at his Facebook page today.  So, clearly I'm still thinking about him, but the feelings don't seem as raw.

As a result of talking about my insight with my housemate, he ended up loaning me a copy of the book he's working through with his (sort of) girlfriend, called Undefended Love.  It's about the balance between the polarity of deeply connecting with yourself and deeply connecting with another person.  And about true intimacy coming from directly facing your fears/vulnerability and being present with whatever is happening, versus automatically reverting to old, well-worn defenses that feel safe and familiar.  I guess there are some exercises further along in the book.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Did I mention I rejoined Mat.ch.c.om?  Initially, it was a move to soothe my ego and gain some equilibrium in the situation with S.  Maybe some of that is still true, but I'm also feeling like it's a healthy thing for me to be "out there" interacting with people.  I've only been on the one date so far before Christmas, which didn't have much chemistry. . .  and I was still pretty deep in the grief at that point too.

In the last few days, I've been emailing with a recently retired (he retired early to receive his full pension or something; he's only a few years older than me) cop from a nearby town.  I like him a lot and he's funny, but he still seems to have some grief going on of his own from his divorce.  Maybe we're perfect for each other right now!  lol

Finally, school started back up this week.  I'm teaching two days a week, covering my co-teacher's (who quit) days, as well as my own.  This is supposed to be the "worst" school, but I'm generally liking it so far, knock on wood.  The teacher is very supportive of our program and involved with activities, so that's making a huge difference.  There's the one rowdy period, of course, who get on my last nerve, but it's not intolerable so far.  We're not sure if we have a school lined up after this one, so my fingers are crossed.  I'm skating on financial fumes after the holidays and cannot wait until payday on Tuesday!

I have been reading other blogs and appreciating hearing others' feelings and experiences as the year turns.  It makes me feel less alone.  I truly wish that you all receive the dreams of your heart (and more) in 2012!

Telling on Myself

Happy New Year's Eve.

Continuing to slowly climb out of the hole.  Gradually relying less on vices to cope with my grief.  Trying to bring in some meditation and writing.  Still drinking more than usual and watching a lot of television though.

My housemate came back from New York where his family lives, but he's been staying over at his  girlfriend's (or whatever she is right now) house.  I guess the idea is to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot over this weekend, then see where they're going to go.  They've been together a year or so I think and broken up twice in that time.  She's high energy and can turn in to a human tornado of emotion, especially around her stressful job managing a retreat center.  He (my housemate) is more introverted and gets overwhelmed with her agitation.

He also feels taken for granted, as well as devalued at times when she has had "friendships" pop up from the past with other guys.  She's been a very free spirit over the years, traveling a lot, lovers in every port, etc.  Anyway, they do have lots of chemistry and have been trying very hard, so actually I hope they can work it out.

To catch up on my own mess, when I got back from Christmas, there was an email from S (I'm going to call him S for Snake, instead of sh/cm, because it fits my feelings right now) saying his romantic feelings had faded the last few days - not because of any focus on another person - but on their own accord.  And he wanted to enter the New Year as friends.

Well, that hurt.  Even though I was uncertain what I wanted, there was at least some hope, and we had been processing relationship issues together over email.  This felt like yet another slap.  I do have to admit that I emailed him first, the day before, saying that I needed to step back emotionally.  I had asked him what he was doing for Christmas and there was a deafening silence on that front, which clearly indicated he spent it with his ex.  It made me realize how very uncomfortable I still was with the whole situation and that I couldn't really be processing anything with him while this was going on.  But I expected him to understand; for us to pull back but there be a desire on his part to continue talking later.

As I write this, I realize I probably shouldn't have been processing things with him in the first place at this time, all things considered.  But it is SO hard to break up with someone and just float out into the ether.  It's an emotional shock and leaves such a huge gaping hole in your heart, as well as your life (I imagine you all know what I'm talking about).  It sounds good to "be tough," but it feels horrible.

Anyway, I responded to his post-Christmas email with a fairly short response saying I had sadly come to doubt his capacity to be truthful, as well as his very character, and I didn't want to be friends.  That I may want to talk at some point in the future but, for now, goodbye.  That felt right and strong but then the recent lonely days wore on me. . . I know I should be getting out and distracting myself, but I'm low on money after Christmas and feeling low energy too.

So, I had a mini-slip yesterday and sent him an article from Psychology Today called, "Promise Keepers - The Committed Partners Who Stay Faithful to Each Other," about the 50% of relationships in which both partners manage to remain faithful.    I saw the flaws of our relationship in some of the qualities she described, and it evoked both an ache and an excited feeling of affirmation, like, "Yes, yes, that's what I wanted!"  For example, this section on "Inclusion":


Think inclusion rather than exclusion. Faithful partners know the differences between privacy and secrecy. Private thoughts or actions do not necessarily threaten a relationship, but may. Anyone can be more susceptible to slipping from something innocent to a potentially dangerous situation. Faithful partners put their relationship above those possibilities.

Intimacy is about trust, trust is about honesty, and honesty is about not hiding anything. When partners have nothing to hide, they don't end up fugitives from each other. They don't want to harbor concerns that what they are doing could potentially threaten the sanctity of their bond.

In the moment of reading the article, I felt deeply compelled to send it to S.  I thought I was coming from a somewhat detached place of wanting him to understand what might have helped us, but also an altruistic desire to help him learn for whatever possible future relationship he ended up in.  In retrospect, I wanted him to understand what he did "wrong" and what kind of relationship I wanted, but also it was a little piece of connection with him.  I'm definitely getting stronger and feeling more balanced, but clearly still struggling with the loneliness and separation.  

So, I guess I wanted to "tell" on myself here.  I don't know what he's got going on with his ex - they could be making like bunnies over there - but it's not my business and it's not really the point.  He behaved very badly.  I need MUCH more respect, transparency, and caring for my feelings from a partner I'm with long term.  I am deeply disappointed and sad about the choices he made and for the way things ended, but I take responsibility for having doubts and issues of my own that seriously affected our relationship.  

At this point, I'm trying to find faith that there may be someone else out there for me with a stronger character and a stronger chemistry with me, who still has a lot of the wonderful shared values, interests, goals, and communication that S and I shared.  But sometimes I'm not so sure. . .

O-V-E-R

It's completely and totally over.  You'll get no more wishful posts.  Knowing me, likely some processing posts, but no wishful ones.  As my brother and sister-in-law would say, "What an a##hat."

The Blahs

Checking in from Oregon.  Like many other folks out there, I've had a mixed emotion Christmas, tinged with melancholy.  

It's been wonderful to spend time with my niece and nephew, of course, and I'll be heading over to my sister's again in a little while for a last dinner and visit.  Watching them open and play with presents yesterday and goofing around with them was priceless.

But today, my mood has been hovering in the crabby zone, likely in part because I drank (along with my brother, sister-in-law, and brother-in-law) quite a bit last night - for me, at least.  I haven't felt hungover, just kind of blah and sad.

Not surprisingly, I'm also feeling melancholy about my relationship situation.  I wish I weren't, but I am.

We were sending some emails back and forth, continuing to process stuff, but I decided I need to step back emotionally.  We started talking as if we may get back together, but I can't go there while his ex is still staying with him.

And even then. . . I know there are no guarantees, but I need to have more faith that he will value my feelings in his future decision-making.  The way this whole things went down was super lame, and I'm still angry and hurt about it.

On my side of the fence, I need to decide if I can accept him and his imperfections enough to fully step over the line into commitment, and I'm not there yet.  So I emailed him that I needed to emotionally step back for now, considering our current context, and I hope he understood my perspective.

Which was the right thing to do for me.  But I'm still sad.

Ending on an up note:  I got an iPhone for Christmas, yippee!!!  And some extra money to cover the additional data plan cost for a few months!  Yay!  The phone ships on January fourth, so I have a wait a couple weeks, but I'm excited.

Tripping

I'm driving up to Oregon tomorrow for Christmas and have several things to accomplish today before that happens.  The hot fudge is completed at least and most other presents purchased.  I guess I'm looking forward to seeing my family (some of them anyway).

I'm still feeling sad but, after talking to sh/cm on Tuesday night, I'm not as darkly depressed.  Perhaps I'm in denial, because we are still broken up.  But it helped to talk through the situation with his ex, as well as other issues in our relationship.

Regarding his approach to the ex situation, talk about denial!  Despite the intense feelings I expressed multiple times on the subject, he still thought, "We'll get through it somehow, it will all be okay."  He described this as believing in the strength of our relationship; I call it being thick-headed and stubborn.

He did say he had shifted emotionally and understood my feelings, and admitted he would have had a problem if the situation were reversed (and I admitted most people would struggle with their partner living with someone of the opposite gender, which seemed to mean a lot to him).  I think it was something he believed he "had" to do, and clung to the belief that it would all work out somehow with the strategy of him staying at my place a lot, etc.

When the proverbial excrement actually hit the fan and she said she was coming for a month, we also had been having problems and he was hurt and angry, which played into the way he handled it.

Bottom line, I am deeply disappointed that he didn't communicate more openly with me as a partner, with consideration for both our needs and feelings.  I'm sad that he didn't initially empathize with my feelings and take them more seriously.  He shared that he believed both of our jealousy was "unsustainable" and would have to lessen.  And that I would get more emotionally stormy than him about things, and he saw his role as upholding medium and long-term goals.  Or something like that.

I see the point of not always "buying in" to my emotions, especially around certain times in my cycle, but this was an issue that goes back to the start of our relationship, had come up several times, and was much more deeply rooted.  I know my own reactions to it are partially fueled by my own issues and insecurities but that's part of what I want a partner to do, be sensitive and help reassure me in areas where I struggle.

Granted, we each need to take responsibility for our own issues/reactions versus making the other person wrong, which is easier said than done.  But, basically, I wanted him to care about my feelings and work together to find a way to deal with the situation that was tolerable for both of us.

The other topic I want to mention relates to his emotional wound or trauma (he describes it as a dark void), which he had recently gotten in touch with when we first got together.  He talked about wanting to actively work with it but never really started on that process, which is what he says he wants to do now.  We'll see.  But it takes hold of him at times and causes him to see me as a bad person or purposefully unloving or hurtful.  It's the worst feeling to be on the receiving end of this, and, looking back on our emails over the past several months, has sabotaged the strength and joy in our relationship many times.  I know that my issues around perfectionism, as well as the aforementioned jealousy/insecurity, have also caused problems and pain, so I'm certainly not without blame.

Anyway, sorry for the ongoing analysis!  I'm deep in it right now.  I did go on a date Monday night.  We looked at Christmas lights and all the festivities going on down in Union Square in San Fran.cisco.  It was enjoyable and he's an intelligent, good guy, but the attraction wasn't particularly strong.  I might go out with him again, just for equilibrium purposes, when I get back from Oregon.

As a side note, sh/cm gave me a romantic, loving card and bought me a huge book of Romantic/Post-Romantic poetry, which felt loving and like an effort of sorts.  He also insisted on giving me some money to deal with car stuff, which I initially resisted but ended up taking because I would not have had to spend this money if we had gone to Oregon together, as planned.  And we drank wine and spent some time kissing, which may not be a "good" thing but felt very good.

Time of Darkness

Yes, it's my life, but I kinda wish it weren't right now.  I apologize in advance for what may be a darkish post.

Since last Spring, I felt like I was building the life I envision for myself: a partner in life with whom a share values and meaningful goals, a family, a community of interconnected, like-minded people, work that sustains me on multiple levels.  As this relationship seems to be crumbling around me, I have a sense that most of these building blocks are crumbling along with it.  I literally (hat off to Rob Lowe) feel like dying when I imagine returning to my single life, at least as it was before.

I finally spoke in person with sh/cm last night, but it was an unsatisfying exchange.  Though we did connect for a short time and he admitted he was a complete mess the day after I broke up with him, for the most part he wasn't really present.  When I asked him questions, he gave rational, measured answers, laced with sympathy.  Yuck.  Apparently, when he officially broke it off with his ex way back when in I think May (well, broke off their plans to give it another try; the marriage had ended a couple years prior), they talked about her still coming out around this time to wrap things up with work stuff, and he said he figured at that time that she would stay with him.  What?!  The relief I felt when he broke it off was huge, as it had been something hanging over us for those first few weeks when we were both technically uncommitted and dating others (but in reality were exclusive).  To hear that the trip, albeit shorter, was always planned, and that he assumed she would stay with him was hard to hear.

As an aside, I should say that during our conversation, I felt compelled to ask about whether he had any hope that we could work on his/my/our issues together, in some of the ways we had talked about before.  He basically said he's scared of his own negative patterns and how they affect him and affected us, and he needs to work on these on his own, outside of a relationship.

But stepping back, we had been having trouble for quite a while.  Remember all the jealousy?  I think that stemmed from a lack of trust and security on both of our parts.  I read something recently that said women's libido stems from a sense that the guy is hot for her and also trust.  As we went along, my trust in him diminished instead of grew, partly because he was not consistently sexually forward, as he had been, and partly because he told me he had spoken to his ex without telling me and that she was coming out for two weeks in January (the first I'd heard of it).  I don't remember when that was exactly - two or three months ago?  On my part, I questioned whether we had enough chemistry and expressed my doubts at times in ways that lessened his security, as well.

But ironically, he was the one who I would say had the most jealousy in our relationship, primarily around my platonic housemate.  I did come to understand and empathize with his insecurity around that situation, since the housemate and I are friends and we were, after all, living under the same roof.  But he would communicate these feelings in irrational ways that made me feel like I was actually cheating on him or doing something horribly out of line - like when I answered his phone call when driving in the car to theatre group with the housemate and wasn't as present as he felt I should be or when I didn't text him back that day not long ago.  Feelings, yes, I could certainly understand him having feelings about these things but it came out in terse, analytical, "grilling me"-type exchanges, which left me feeling defensive and sad.

Why did I put up with this?  Because from the beginning, he and I have had so many wonderful, connected times too.  We are on the same page in so. many. ways.  It's HIGHLY unusual in my experience to have so much in common with another person.  And we did have a strong attraction at the beginning and off and on throughout the relationship - though more off at the end.  Anyway, we could have great discussions about projects, issues, and feelings, and it was awesome being part of the same community and focused on similar environmental/social change issues.  And just having a companion for the more mundane things in life is so wonderful - everything from making dinner; to Farmer's Markets, community potlucks/meetings, and trips (well the trip to Oregon sucked, but other trips); and just hanging out all felt so good when we were "in it together."

Thinking of life without this companionship feels empty and cold, almost unbearable.  Yet, I must bear it.  I'm getting through one day at a time, the non-12-step way: drinking more than I should, even smoking cigarettes yesterday.  I'm sleeping okay, still exercising, and eating not too horribly, so I guess it's not a complete mess.

But I'm sad.  And I'm hurt.  And I know I had a part in the relationship breaking up, but right now it feels like he lit the final fuse and that sucks.

I have a date from Mat.ch.co.m on Saturday night: an effort to soothe my heart and ego, but I doubt it will amount to anything because of where I'm at emotionally plus I don't think the guy has enough emotional depth.  Honestly, at some level, I'm probably doing it to balance the situation with his ex, which is ridiculous because what does it matter now?

Thank you for listening to this disjointed outpouring.  Birthday and Christmas here I come, but my bells are broken.

We interrupt this relationship. . .

This has been a week from hell.  Starting with a horrible teaching day Tuesday in which everything that could go wrong technically did with regard to a medical video I was showing, and progressing to my boyfriend telling me his ex-wife was coming two weeks earlier and would be living with him for the month she's here.

He explained she would be sleeping upstairs in the loft space.  He swore that it was business only, that even if I ran off with some other man, he wouldn't be with her.  He said he could spend a lot more nights at my house and that we would still go up to Oregon for Christmas at the end of this month, in the middle of her stay.

But I couldn't take it.  The shock, hurt, and fear were too much.

To begin with, I told him there is no way I could deal with that, no way that she could stay with him, and at first he seemed like he was considering other options like her staying with one of his co-workers.

But the next day in emails, I could tell he was trying to placate me.  He wasn't answering direct questions about the situation and her staying with him, him spending time with her, etc.  So I called and asked him directly, and he told me that she was going to stay with him.

I said, "Even knowing all that I've told you about how it makes me feel and knowing what I said about not being able to handle it, you are still making that choice?"

And he mumbled a bit and then said, "Yes."

So I broke up with him.

It's been a few days now.  He picked her up at the airport yesterday and God knows what they are doing right now, but I'm trying not to torture myself with those kind of thoughts.

I've been feeling so confused and hurt about how he could so definitively choose to "honor his commitment" (about finishing things up with her work-wise) and "fulfill his obligation" (to talk things through with her and have closure on their marriage and post-marriage relationship) through her living with him for a month, when he knew that potentially could end our relationship, his current commitment?

And how could he think that it's okay to live with this woman who I've never met and who, the last time he saw her, he was sexual with and talked about "giving it another try" (around this time even), before he changed his mind and decided to be with me?

And finally, how could he present it to me as a done deal instead of talking it through with me and working harder to help me understand and get on the same page with him, which to me shows respect and love?

Trying to understand his perspective, which I hope to more directly hear about tomorrow night when he comes over to talk, I've considered a few things:

1. I have been extremely jealous and emotionally volatile around the subject and he has reason to doubt I could have talked it over with him rationally.
2. He feels a lot of guilt about breaking up with her back in the Spring.  He was married to her for four years I think and has a lot of history with her and agreements I don't know that much about with regard to business/work.
3. He feels deeply (not that I agree) that he owes her this and would be a bad person if he didn't do right by her in this way.  So in this light, he's not choosing her over me but feels he has no other choice in order to keep his self-respect and integrity.
4. I don't know why she had to come out two weeks earlier.  I was too angry to inquire clearly about this but plan to do so tomorrow night.  But if there was a good reason for this, putting her up in a hotel for a month would be thousands of dollars that he can't really afford (nor can she I'm fairly sure) and it's unlikely his co-worker could have boarded her for a month.  
5. Because he feels so clear in his own mind that he is not interested in being with her, he expects me to trust this.  I also wonder if he feels at some level that this is a fair exchange because I live with a man, and my living situation has brought up a lot of insecurity and jealousy in him over time. Even though I'm beyond clear that I have no attraction and have stressed this with him.  I've posted about this before. . .

I think that he rationalized it in his mind and somehow made it fit together as an okay choice.  But the close confidants I've told clearly think this situation is outside the norm and seem to understand and resonate with my outrage.  An ex from not all that long ago?  Living with him for a month?  Really? 

I met with my Non-Violent Communication group leader yesterday, and she gave me a lot of empathic support.  It felt good to release emotion and receive compassion.  I was also able, through this process, to come to some of the above understanding of his perspective, which is also valuable.  I'm not saying I think he made the "right" choice, but I can see more of the feelings and needs driving his actions.

Do I wish that my feelings and our commitment somehow trumped everything else?  Absolutely, but I guess that's not the case here.

One aspect that I need to own is that I have had my own doubts about our long-term compatibility, and I know this has affected our relationship and how I treat him at times.  He was very hurt the other day when I did not respond to a text, even though I did receive it, until several hours later that evening.  Does that show some lack of respect and caring?  Probably so.  And there are other things I've done and said that show uncertainty and less than 100 percent commitment to him in my heart.  So I need to own those things too and recognize they likely play a role here, as well.

So, yeah, a depressing week.

To end on a slightly positive note, I did go buy and decorate a small Christmas tree yesterday - the first time I've done this on my own.  And I went to dance this morning, even though I was feeling very anxious and sad, followed by going out to the awesomely-named "Karma Kitchen" and eating with dance friends afterwards.  When I got home, I colored my hair a lovely red-auburn color.  Now, I'm drinking wine and am going to watch a movie.

I hope tomorrow night brings relief and understanding.

p.s. I would appreciate hearing any feedback or experiences you might have to share related to this.

TWW and Test Results (not the test you're thinking)

I am nearing the end of this two-week-wait.  I wanted to share signs, which are likely all in my head or about my period coming (ah, the cynicism of so many months of BFNs) and also talk about the fertility test results I just received from Kai.ser.

With regard to signs, I had little to report until yesterday.  I dropped and broke a couple of things a few days ago, which seemed odd but probably unrelated.  I had a slight wave of nausea while out on a walk Sunday with sh/cm.  Usually - sorry for TMI - when I think I have nausea, I burp shortly thereafter, which explains it.  But nope, no burp this time.

Also, remember the implantation-type temperature dip I've had a couple of times now?  Well, I had that again on 10 dpo, but seeing as it's the third time and the first two times led to zilch, I wasn't so excited.

Then, yesterday, I had lower abdominal pulling/slight cramping feelings in the afternoon.  I told sh/cm that I feel like my period is coming and this cycle is likely coming to an end.  But this morning my temperature is still up, and I haven't had any spotting yet.  My cycle is due today or tomorrow.

On to the tests.  So I am now on sh/cm's insurance with Kai.ser, so I am starting up the process again with their reproductive endocrinology folks.  The first step is always a battery of tests, and I'm working my way through those.

The first round of prolactin/progesterone/thyroid came back yesterday.  Not what I expected.  My thyroid is too high (5.8 - indicating hypothyroid) and my progesterone is too low (5).  My progesterone has tended on the low side before but not this low.  There is a chance that it was really day 24 vs. 23 - you're supposed to test on days 21-23 - but it still shouldn't be that low, right?

Anyway, just in case, I started supplementing with progesterone cream until I can see the doctor who will likely recommend suppositories or shots.  I also took matters into my own hands with my thyroid medicine and started taking an extra quarter pill.

I'm so frustrated because earlier this year, I had thyroid testing done, and after first raising the dose when it came back a bit high, the doctor retested and lowered it again after deciding it was then a little low.  The problem is, I felt great on the first dosage adjustment, after she had raised it:  I lost a little weight (probably also due to running), my energy felt right, and I just intuitively felt in a good place with it.  So I think I probably should have stayed on that dose.

I guess there's no use crying over spilt milk, as they say.  I'm just worried that my hypothyroidism has affected my fertility these past few months.  Also, I wonder if my fertility supplements could have affected my thyroid levels.  Has anyone heard of that?  Perhaps a google search is in order.

At least these two issues can be theoretically "fixed."  The next round of testing in a few days (assuming I'm not pregnant) will include FSH, fasting glucose, and estradiol.  Here's hoping. . .

Cussing. Love. Christmas.

To follow up on a couple of things:

The field trip last Wednesday went great!  For me, at least. . . apparently one of the groups (the kids were divided into several groups that rotated through the different campus sessions such as Dental Assisting, and Health and Human Resources, etc.) had a few kids who were terrors.  They treated the Biotech professor so poorly that apparently she may not work with our program again.  And on one of the buses - not mine thank God - on the way back to the middle school, one of the girls told a very kind and helpful chaperone (a kid on the trip's parent no less) to "F$@k off!"  So, yeah, a few kids were suspended post-trip.  But my group was generally well-behaved, and I had a good day, so that's what matters, no?

I referred to a dark and confusing email from sh/cm in my last post.  Basically, he was upset because I didn't respond to a text he sent late Tuesday afternoon.  I was laid out on the couch at that point, nearly comatose, after teaching, but also I have to admit I was angry at him.  I had expressed some deep sadness in a phone call with him on Monday, the energy of which likely came from my past as well as the present situation, and he had not shown much if any compassion for me (granted, he was driving, but I still expected some mutterings of concern).

So, I didn't write him back right away and frankly forgot about it until we talked after my Interplay Theatre group later that night.  This triggered some old stuff in him, in turn - aren't relationships fun? - and he said in his email that he needed to "decouple."  Decouple?  Does anyone else think that sounds like "break up"?  He said in the next sentence that he wants to remain in a relationship but be less demanding of one another in communication.

In retrospect, I look at this email as a strategy he was using to get reassurance that I value him and love him.  But it was horrible for me to read.  So, long story short, there was some talking and crying on the phone yesterday, then he came over and we watched the Oregon Duck football game (Go Ducks!), ate pizza, spent some needed lovey/cuddly time, and talked through some stuff in-person, in a casual-type way (sometimes we get too intense!).  It was good, and I'm feeling a lot of love for him right now.

Going forward, he is going to try and tune in more when I express sadness and show his care and love.  And I am going to try and respond to his communication, even if it's not a "nice" response.  He stressed he would much prefer any response than none at all.  I also told him, though, that if I don't respond, I want "a pathway out" of the doghouse, or a way to be forgiven.  Sometimes, he gets stuck in making me wrong - or from his perspective get understanding and therefore achieve safety - and it feels horrible to be stuck there with him, being raked over the coals.  I'm feeling hopeful, now, that we've reached more clarity about our patterns and ways we can improve.

Side note:  In other relationships, I've experienced the pain and fighting but not the working through, understanding, becoming more intimate part.  So even though this may sound really hard, to me it's a good thing!

Christmasy!  Weekend!  First of a few, hopefully.  I'm heading out to a couple of holiday craft fairs and to pick up cookie ingredients and plan to spend the rest of the day getting my festive on at home.  I'll be digging out and sorting through the tree decorations for the tree we're getting tomorrow, then just puttering around making cookies.  A walk must be had somewhere in there, as well, because this day is too damn gorgeous to waste!

Hope you are enjoying your weekend, too.  Anyone else jumping into Christmas stuff yet?

p.s. No pregnancy signs to speak of yet at 9 days post-ovulation.  I've dropped and broken two things which seems odd.  Is clumsiness a sign?  And have been eating a lot, but, well, 'tis the season!

Mixed Bag

The hardest week down!  Yay, me!  And the girls in the my after school program are the sweetest thing ever (and not just because they love my theatre games).

On the other hand, a dark and confusing email from sh/cm.  More tomorrow. . .

Halfway Through

The wind is whipping away outside, creating a "dark and stormy night" kind of feel to the evening.  I'm halfway through my first intense week.

Tomorrow, I teach again, but I'm going to spend most of the period on an art project.  Do any of you remember making "Coat of Arms" Shields in Middle School?  I still remember this project to this day and can envision it hanging on the teacher's wall during parent night.  I can even remember a couple of the pictures of me at my house and another of me doing gymnastics.  I hope the kids in my classes will share some of my enthusiasm.

Then, I have a couple hours off before going to lead the after-school program at another middle school.  God help me to rally the energy to lead a few games for those unfortunate (to have me as their leader) souls!

Final day of NaBloPoMo.  What did I learn?  That I have trouble with strict discipline.  Yes, most definitely.

Also, that I'm going to keep doing it until I participate fully, including visiting and commenting more on other blogs.  I may not participate next month but will again in the near future.  As mentioned before, I like (and need) the kick in the butt to write frequently!

p.s.  Sh/cm and I had a productive conversation tonight and were able to speak and hear each other with more love and less defensiveness/fear.  I look forward to this weekend and getting a tree, as well as taking part in my Interplay Theatre group's Christmas gathering.  We're going to eat yummy food, play games, and watch the video of our last performance.

Just a quick update tonight before getting to bed.

I've been feeling sad the last day or so - possibly because of seasonal affective disorder?  or the time of year?  or PMS/hormonal stuff worsening?  I'm not sure.

 Sh/cm and I had some tension Sunday afternoon.  We talked through it, but it felt bad after having a great time away together.  Part of me wonders if he was happy to separate and get back to work, while it's harder for me for some reason.

Anyway, call me Ms. Melancholy.  I actually feel sorry for sh/cm with how inconsolable I was on the phone yesterday.  Oh well.

Off to my field trip bright and early tomorrow morning.  Wish me luck!

Post-Holiday Gratitude

Well, my updating intentions flew out the window!  Sorry for my unkept promises; I'll try to do a three-in-one post.

Spending time with sh/cm's family was remarkably comfortable and easy.  Though different than me (she's a pediatrician) and profusely talkative, sh/cm's brother's wife, L, and I get along great.  She's very family-focused, and we talk a lot about her boys, their family trips (they've been all over the world - and to most of the National Parks in the greater U.S.), my relationship with sh/cm and her relationship with her husband, D, and various social issues and ideas.  She's a few years older than me but so are a lot of my friends.  

Sh/cm's dad was not the easiest person with which to connect, but he was very kind and welcoming to me. He and his wife, sh/cm's step-mother, have a traditional relationship, and there's definitely a "head of the household" mantle he carries around with him.  One example of the traditional gender-role culture in their house occurred after Thanksgiving dinner and involved me and L in the kitchen scrubbing and drying dishes, while the step-mom bustled around cleaning the rest of the kitchen, and the menfolk sat at the dining room table relaxing and reading the paper.  Grrr.  Sh/cm heard about that one later, for sure!

Anyway, overall it was a nice trip.  Other highlights included:  seeing sh/cm connect with his half-sister's  three boys, especially the oldest one (watching/listening to them play the game of Life was sweet, and I loved seeing sh/cm's patience and care); traditional Thanksgiving dinner of turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, sweet potatoes, green beans with bacon, cranberry jelly, rolls, and pecan pie with ice cream - OMG; a gorgeous forest hike above a local Sacramento river with kids, parents, and an elder all looking out for one another and conversing amicably; finishing the weekend playing laser tag with sh/cm, his father, brother, and several nephews (I was a fun target as I could not help screaming as I ran away).

The other side of the our time near Sacramento involved sh/cm and my stay in a historic downtown Placerville hotel Wednesday and Thursday nights.  We had some amazing talks throughout the weekend about our family histories, the future of civilization, family dynamics and issues (processing our visits with his family worked much better than when we were in Eugene with my family for some reason), AND we managed to fulfill our efforts at trying to conceive in what seems to be perfect timing and flow.   

I forgot my bbt thermometer, of course, so I don't know for sure when I ovulated, but the OPK was negative Wednesday morning and positive Thursday - and I'm pretty sure I felt the famed Mittelschmerz twinges on Wednesday later in the day and on Thursday.  When I got him Friday night, I took my temperature and it indicated there had been a rise that morning/day, and this morning was clearly in the higher post-ovulation range.  I'm glad we had separate accommodations those evenings!  

TMI alert:  I stayed with my hips raised for a while each time, as well, which I don't always do, and we also practiced the "have an orgasm afterwards to draw the sperm up into the uterus" technique on our last night.  I'm feeling quite optimistic about our efforts.

We got back into town around 8:30 p.m. last night.  I'm spending the day by myself at my house (currently sitting in the sun at the kitchen table drinking a pineapple/orange/banana smoothie) and he at his, then we will be reuniting for a date night tonight.  Feeling post-holiday gratitude for my relationship with sh/cm.

Thanksgiving in Sacramento

Zucchini bread's made, laundry's done.  Staying up too late watching the Dancing with the Stars Finale.

Sh/cm and I are leaving tomorrow afternoon for his father and step mother's house in Sacramento.  I've never met his Dad so am looking forward to that and to seeing how sh/cm and he are together.  His brother and family from San Diego, as well as his half-brother and half-sister and her kids, will be there too.

Apparently his half-sister just broke up with a man she'd only recently moved in with, and it's been hard on her kids (3 boys!).  Sh/cm has talked about wanting us to possibly spend time with the kids and play a role in their lives, but I'm not clear whether his sister wants that or not.  We'll see how things go.

Looks like a holiday ovulation schedule. so that should be interesting.

We have a hotel room for Wednesday and Thursday night (sh/cm usually sleeps on the couch but that didn't sound fun for the both of us), which will be nice.

I'll update tomorrow from over the hills and through the woods. . .

What is "Normal"?

I'm feeling a bit disoriented tonight.  Sh/cm and I have had some emotional ups and downs.  I keep wanting us to get back to "normal," but I think I'm creating some ideal fantasy of what we have been and should be.  There have been stretches of time during which we've felt consistently close and our relationship had a sense of fun and ease.

We are having those times now but then something comes along and "triggers" one or the other of us onto an emotional edge, and I feel overwhelmed and scared.  And I have thoughts like, "I can't handle this," or "This is too much," or "Not this again!"

Sh/cm has an aspect to his personality that can be very righteous.  When he feels mistreated, he can lock on to a line of questioning like a pitbull.  He no longer hears me or takes in my side of things.  It's maddening.  He doesn't realize he's doing it in the moment.  We've talked about it and he's linked this side of him to his stepdad, who was bullying.  Sh/cm had to hold tight to his own reality for self preservation.

For my part, I am having some tired, old intimacy issues come up.  Soooo tired and old.  My mind wants to focus on imperfections and hold them up as reasons why we should not be together.  When this first came up, I was able to talk about them but over time, sh/cm has understandably developed some feelings of insecurity.

At this point, I'm questioning whether I should talk to a counselor about this specific pattern because it's come up in several relationships now.  And you know what they say, "If the same situation keeps happening, look at the consistent factor," namely me.  Sh/cm is willing to talk to someone too.

I guess the positive perspective is that our fights are about jealousy and connection/time spent with one another, which says we are scared of losing each other, and we like being around each other so much that we want more of it!  Most of the time we are actually together (and not emotionally triggered), life is good.

My next post will focus on these more positive times and a couple exciting shared goals. . .

My Mundane and Spicy Day

Mundane post about my day forthcoming (well, I will foreshadow a spicy ending). . .

So I harvested veggies and cooked a lot today.  I made a baked dish of potatoes and shallots with rosemary and cooked up some well-seasoned hamburger for soft tacos.

From the garden, I picked and washed a diverse array of leafy greans: swiss chard, kale, large leaf lettuce, and green leafy lettuce.  I also picked the remaining tomatoes  and a few green peppers and will whip up some easy tomato sauce tomorrow, if I have time.

I accomplished some necessary phone calls and emails and went running, which I'm still managing to do a couple times a week (it's harder now that I have to finish before the sun starts setting at 4:45!).

Sh/cm and I had a lovely evening from start to finish and will soon be heading off to dreamland.

He met me at the door carrying flowers, wine, and yummy macaroon and almond cookie dessert.

I paired the fish he cooked with a salad of the greens, peppers, tomato, carrots and avocado, as well as the potato/shallot dish.

Conversation and affection flowed plentifully through dinner preparation and eating, and culminated in dessert and lovemaking in the kitchen.

Sorry, I know that's TMI!  But I have to say it was nice to have such a fun and amorous evening after having some struggles around connection and communication recently.

p.s. Last night, I performed in my third Interplay Theatre performance, since joining the class almost a year and a half ago.  We did a lot of expressive movement pieces - one to poetry and sound that generated lots of positive response.  I also led a "gesture choir" for the first time.  I shared about a typical day teaching the wacky middle schoolers, making dramatic gestures to emphasize parts of my story as several people standing being me gestured along, amplifying my movements.  Sh/cm came and was sweetly supportive.

Party's Over

Once again, the party is drawing to a sad end.  This was a hard one for me because my luteal phase went a day long, and it NEVER does that; as in never has, as long as I can remember.

It was also a particularly brutal PMS month, which as some of you likely know, adds to the emotional intensity of any experience. That particular fog is lifting, at least, thank God.

My family was in town from Oregon, so the extra cycle day took place out and about, mainly at the Oregon-Stanford game (which Oregon won handily, Go Ducks!).  Every trip to the bathroom, I would come back and whisper to sh/cm, "Nothing yet."

At the end of the day, hope was definitely building, but then some different type of cramping started and then light spotting and a temperature drop, so I knew that was it.  I admit it, there was crying.  But I'm doing okay now.

I do wonder if that up down, up down bounce at the beginning of my cycle meant I ovulated late or ovulated twice, which may have affected my luteal phase length?

In related news, I am cutting back my DHEA supplementation to 50 mg from 75 after noticing slight facial hair increase.  It was blonde and very light, but still, yikes!  *I also wonder whether it affected my mood and plan to research that a bit further.

If I doctor recommends it, I will tough it out, but for now, I'm going with 50, as I've seen this dosage recommended, as well.  And it will hopefully keep me recognizably female.

Now that we've had insurance approval, I'm also calling Kaiser tomorrow and recruiting a real doctor back into the mix.

An Upward Trend

Excited about the Oregon - Stanford game on Saturday.  Family dinner scheduled for tomorrow night, too, including niece and nephew (yay!).  

Today was an okay day.  Work wasn't horrible, and I had a productive talk with sh/cm tonight.  I'm pretty sure part of the tension relates to thinking about long term plans together and the scrutiny and perfectionist-driven fear that stimulates.

My temperature was up several tenths this morning, which was a bit surprising.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.  Also have had a minor headache since this afternoon.

Hope you all have a happy Friday!  I will be attending a community non-profit event on resilience and climate change with sh/cm.  Looking forward to it actually.

Uneventful

Most. uneventful. cycle. ever.

It's the weirdest thing.  Every other cycle, since starting to ttc a few months ago has at least included breast soreness.  Most have involved fabulous and varied symptoms such as skin breakouts, cramping, back pain, and others I will spare you all from in this moment.

This cycle?  Not so much.

I have super bad PMS (mood-wise), so if that counts, then I'm covered.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I had the never-before-seen bbt temperature fallback/rise pattern, along with another up/down bounce for good measure.  The first dip happened on 4 dpo, and the second on 6 dpo.  But this is likely hormonal fluctuation, even on 6 dpo, since it's typically too early in the cycle for implantation.

AF is due in two days, so not much longer to wait.

I'm working a full middle school day again tomorrow and feeling so not up for it.

Sh/cm and I are still not sympatico, adding sadness to the mix.

Maybe the world will look better after a good night's sleep?