Happy Labor Day!
I am feeling excited for Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish because she is now getting clearly positive HPTs! A lot of resources and emotion have gone into her journey, and I am happy that her little one may get a sibling!
After I finish this post, I will get ready and head out to meet S at a park to watch a free production of King Lear. I don't love Shakespeare, to be honest, though I can recognize it's worth, but it's outdoors and we will be sipping wine and relaxing, so I think overall it will be a good time. Then, we will stroll over to have dinner in the neighborhood near the park. I thought about bringing Zoey, but neither of us have been to this park, so I don't know whether there will be trees or posts to tie her to, which is key to a lengthy event like this.
S and I had some more conversation in the last few days about the possibility of dating again. We have talked about different lifestyle choices and taken action to get more on the same page. It's so strange when I take a step back and consider where we are right now. I would have NEVER thought we would get back together. I was truly and surely finished, which is why I ignored his first two attempts over the last year to communicate with me.
But I do believe he has "woken up" to a couple of the key issues that painfully destroyed the love we had for each other and finally broke us apart two years ago this November. His acknowledgement of his "stirring the pot" around exes and shift in his view of what loyalty and commitment look like is huge. Then, his work on getting control of his anger and, from a cognitive-behavioral lens, changing his viewpoint when he is emotionally triggered by my actions, is also a giant change. So far, knock on wood, we have been able to talk through anything that has come up for either of us in a mature way, like two adults. Imagine that! It does feel very grown up, here at our ripe old ages of 55 and 46. ha!
Also, I don't want to go into it today, but S has recently had a health scare and I am helping him with a couple of things. This brought up fear of losing him and also a true desire to help him the way he helped me with my fibroid surgery, even after we had broken up. So that has been a factor in bringing us closer, I think.
More shall be revealed, but I'm feeling some optimism today and look forward to spending time together this afternoon and evening.
Oh, even though my housemate has continued to be caustic at times, we did have another talk on Friday that released some tension, and, considering the landlord now says he has no plans to sell anytime in the foreseeable future, I may end up moving into this house on a more long-term basis. I will likely decide when I hear back from him on a couple questions, including the lease, in the next day or two.
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
9/07/2015
8/31/2015
More Time with S
I met with S for the third time yesterday, after having a couple great phone conversations this week. The way we are talking through things if one of us has feelings come up feels really, well, "mature"! So far, fingers crossed, we are able to keep connection and humor throughout our dialogue. This is quite different than before.
Things are beginning to move into romance, and we crossed the kissing threshold yesterday. I feel mostly positive about this, with a little anxiety mixed in. Would I be a fool to try again with him? As you all know, I have dated and been open to meeting other guys in this last year and a half - as well as when we were broken up before - but I can say that no one thus far has come close to his level of willingness to grow and talk about things.
And obviously we have a lot of history together, which is both good and bad, but mostly good I think, in terms of knowing each other and getting to a deeper level of communication. The trust has been rebuilt somewhat in the last few weeks but would have a ways to go.
I do know that both of our issues would come up more strongly as we grew closer. We have been talking about using H@rville Hendricks "Im@go Ther@py" work and even practiced one of his communication exercises yesterday. I read all HH's books a decade or more ago and really see the potential for healing childhood wounds. In brief, he believes we choose partners because they possess both the positive and the negative traits of our caregivers and within this reality is the potential to heal what happened to us - what we lacked in childhood - with our partner. S has indicated he would be on board with doing this work with me.
A last positive development is that he owned his passive-aggressive behavior of being late to our meeting. He admitted he felt okay in the moment about changing plans to him coming up to me again, versus me driving down to him (based on some logistical factors and me feeling overwhelmed), but then felt some resistance/resentment that resulted in him dragging his feet to start the drive. Awesome! Not the feet dragging, but the fact he acknowledged his feelings and how they had driven his behavior.
More shall be revealed, but today I'm feeling some hope.
Things are beginning to move into romance, and we crossed the kissing threshold yesterday. I feel mostly positive about this, with a little anxiety mixed in. Would I be a fool to try again with him? As you all know, I have dated and been open to meeting other guys in this last year and a half - as well as when we were broken up before - but I can say that no one thus far has come close to his level of willingness to grow and talk about things.
And obviously we have a lot of history together, which is both good and bad, but mostly good I think, in terms of knowing each other and getting to a deeper level of communication. The trust has been rebuilt somewhat in the last few weeks but would have a ways to go.
I do know that both of our issues would come up more strongly as we grew closer. We have been talking about using H@rville Hendricks "Im@go Ther@py" work and even practiced one of his communication exercises yesterday. I read all HH's books a decade or more ago and really see the potential for healing childhood wounds. In brief, he believes we choose partners because they possess both the positive and the negative traits of our caregivers and within this reality is the potential to heal what happened to us - what we lacked in childhood - with our partner. S has indicated he would be on board with doing this work with me.
A last positive development is that he owned his passive-aggressive behavior of being late to our meeting. He admitted he felt okay in the moment about changing plans to him coming up to me again, versus me driving down to him (based on some logistical factors and me feeling overwhelmed), but then felt some resistance/resentment that resulted in him dragging his feet to start the drive. Awesome! Not the feet dragging, but the fact he acknowledged his feelings and how they had driven his behavior.
More shall be revealed, but today I'm feeling some hope.
8/23/2015
Further Healing
I had a second meeting with S yesterday and had another big release of emotion - both anger and sadness/grief - and we talked about what verbal abuse means and how our interactions did end up in that area. We did a couple of structured exercises, including an "im@ge theatre" one in which we sculpted each other into images of how we saw each other in conflict and also into images of our feelings during this conflict. It was good. I felt lighter at the end, but S seemed to feel heavier and said he was understanding more of what I went through. I'm sorry he is feeling down, but I do appreciate him "going there" and remembering and empathizing with my side of what happened.
Also, I think he was sad that we didn't end up closer physically. He hoped that working through this stuff might automatically lead to us feeling amorous towards one another. I felt affectionate and caring but not romantic. I think switching gears from the intense processing and grief, especially since it involved remembering pain and anger from the worst time in our relationship, to romantic feelings would have been difficult. We have talked about that possibility prior to yesterday, because both of our minds had strayed into that possibility, and I brought up that I sometimes feel strongly passionate towards him and other times not, and would that even be okay with him. He indicated yes, but maybe he's really not, after reflecting further.
Anyway, regardless of what happens, I'm deeply grateful for our conversations, and for him holding space for me to express buried grief and heal further from the traumatic end of our relationship.
Also, I think he was sad that we didn't end up closer physically. He hoped that working through this stuff might automatically lead to us feeling amorous towards one another. I felt affectionate and caring but not romantic. I think switching gears from the intense processing and grief, especially since it involved remembering pain and anger from the worst time in our relationship, to romantic feelings would have been difficult. We have talked about that possibility prior to yesterday, because both of our minds had strayed into that possibility, and I brought up that I sometimes feel strongly passionate towards him and other times not, and would that even be okay with him. He indicated yes, but maybe he's really not, after reflecting further.
Anyway, regardless of what happens, I'm deeply grateful for our conversations, and for him holding space for me to express buried grief and heal further from the traumatic end of our relationship.
8/16/2015
Housing and Healing with update
The month-to-month house I've been living in for the last two weeks has been great in many ways - the kitchen is fantastic and Zoey loves the room and playing with me in the side yard. My housemate was gone all last week so that was nice. I did figure something out about her yesterday... so she's been kind of cold and seems annoyed much of the time I'm around her. Acting put-off when I ask her something and just generally not seeming warm and conversational, like she did when I came to first check out the house. I was feeling anxiety about this and also taking it on myself, questioning if I had done something wrong and trying to be a "perfect" housemate to make her happy.
Weeell, that is ending today. I pay the same amount of rent as she does. Yes, my furniture is in storage and I'm using "her stuff," but that was the agreement we made when we all talked about it and signed the lease with the landlord. She knew I was not going to take my furniture out of storage for just a month or two. I may go to target or even the dollar store and buy a few cups/bowls/dishes. I think that might help some, but overall I'm not going to stress about that.
What I realized yesterday is that she does not want me living here and is not happy about it, and that's just the way it is. She wanted to live with me IF we were both living here long-term and IF I was coming with all my stuff and furniture. She may have preferred, in a way, to live alone, but she was prepared for that scenario. What she did not want was what she got which was that the landlord said everything was uncertain because his wife had Parkinson's and they may move into the house in two or three months, thus everything about this situation has been tenuous. She did not want me "camping" here basically - I think she used those words once - without my stuff and without a long-term commitment.
If it was going to be short-term, she wanted to live here by herself and work on her writing. Well, sorry housemate, this is a two-bedroom house and the landlord is not going to choose to have it half-empty if someone is prepared to pay rent. And if she was unwilling to have me move in without my stuff, she could have said so. But she didn't. And here we are, and I'm not going to feel guilty or tip-toe around her. This is my house as much as hers right now. I will respect her stuff and her needs for the space of course.
To throw a further twist in things, two factors have changed with regard to our situation here: one, the landlord's wife accused him of carer abuse and he was actually arrested. I think he's out now but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what the "truth" of the situation is. In any case, he is now moving in by himself to the cottage that he also owns, next door to our house. Sooo, I guess that means potentially we could rent the house long-term now? I don't know if I want to, now that I've seen this kind of cold, closed-off side of my housemate. When I move in somewhere, with all my stuff, I want it to be long-term. The second factor, though, is that she said she will likely be moving to Hawaii in a few months to a year. At which time, maybe I could take over the house. That is tempting and could work out great with adopting.
Which brings me to another big piece of news to report, which is that I have been emailing with my ex, S, for the purposes of healing still-existing hurt from the past. We met yesterday and I had a HUGE grief outpouring about our Fourth of July Tahoe trip - you know the kind where the sobbing and wailing just pours out of you interspersed with words coming from your deepest feelings - and it did feel healing. S held a container for me around that, and it was really good.
We talked about other things, as well, like the work he's done around his anger issues, which he now fully acknowledges. He told me about that work and also shared his current awareness of the source of this anger (some of which I knew but it was more specific) from less than adequate parenting in his early childhood, as well as teen years with a jerk of a step-dad.
I can tell he is thinking about the possibility of us getting back together, but I am only thinking of healing and friendship. I will not ever again stay in a relationship that has so much fighting and criticism without the love. Five positives for every negative experience - that's what a relationship needs to thrive. That's what we all need and what I intend to have. It is interesting that he is in a temporary solo living situation for a few more weeks and needs to find a new place. It's just weird that I need a place right now, too. But I'm not going to let a coincidence determine my choices. For now, I'm really happy to have released so much stored-up grief yesterday and to feel the start of forgiveness.
*Update: My housemate and I talked yesterday and I was right about much of what I wrote above. Also, she shared about the financial stress she is under, which is almost causing panic attacks. Good news is that we worked out a couple compromises - I'll buy a few dishes and Zoey can stay in my room when housemate needs focused privacy. We will see how it goes. In other news, we had an earthquake last night, and I was awake for it! It wasn't as scary for me as past earthquakes for some reason - felt more like rolling than jolting - but we were further from the epicenter than my ex who lives in Oakl@nd.
Weeell, that is ending today. I pay the same amount of rent as she does. Yes, my furniture is in storage and I'm using "her stuff," but that was the agreement we made when we all talked about it and signed the lease with the landlord. She knew I was not going to take my furniture out of storage for just a month or two. I may go to target or even the dollar store and buy a few cups/bowls/dishes. I think that might help some, but overall I'm not going to stress about that.
What I realized yesterday is that she does not want me living here and is not happy about it, and that's just the way it is. She wanted to live with me IF we were both living here long-term and IF I was coming with all my stuff and furniture. She may have preferred, in a way, to live alone, but she was prepared for that scenario. What she did not want was what she got which was that the landlord said everything was uncertain because his wife had Parkinson's and they may move into the house in two or three months, thus everything about this situation has been tenuous. She did not want me "camping" here basically - I think she used those words once - without my stuff and without a long-term commitment.
If it was going to be short-term, she wanted to live here by herself and work on her writing. Well, sorry housemate, this is a two-bedroom house and the landlord is not going to choose to have it half-empty if someone is prepared to pay rent. And if she was unwilling to have me move in without my stuff, she could have said so. But she didn't. And here we are, and I'm not going to feel guilty or tip-toe around her. This is my house as much as hers right now. I will respect her stuff and her needs for the space of course.
To throw a further twist in things, two factors have changed with regard to our situation here: one, the landlord's wife accused him of carer abuse and he was actually arrested. I think he's out now but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what the "truth" of the situation is. In any case, he is now moving in by himself to the cottage that he also owns, next door to our house. Sooo, I guess that means potentially we could rent the house long-term now? I don't know if I want to, now that I've seen this kind of cold, closed-off side of my housemate. When I move in somewhere, with all my stuff, I want it to be long-term. The second factor, though, is that she said she will likely be moving to Hawaii in a few months to a year. At which time, maybe I could take over the house. That is tempting and could work out great with adopting.
Which brings me to another big piece of news to report, which is that I have been emailing with my ex, S, for the purposes of healing still-existing hurt from the past. We met yesterday and I had a HUGE grief outpouring about our Fourth of July Tahoe trip - you know the kind where the sobbing and wailing just pours out of you interspersed with words coming from your deepest feelings - and it did feel healing. S held a container for me around that, and it was really good.
We talked about other things, as well, like the work he's done around his anger issues, which he now fully acknowledges. He told me about that work and also shared his current awareness of the source of this anger (some of which I knew but it was more specific) from less than adequate parenting in his early childhood, as well as teen years with a jerk of a step-dad.
I can tell he is thinking about the possibility of us getting back together, but I am only thinking of healing and friendship. I will not ever again stay in a relationship that has so much fighting and criticism without the love. Five positives for every negative experience - that's what a relationship needs to thrive. That's what we all need and what I intend to have. It is interesting that he is in a temporary solo living situation for a few more weeks and needs to find a new place. It's just weird that I need a place right now, too. But I'm not going to let a coincidence determine my choices. For now, I'm really happy to have released so much stored-up grief yesterday and to feel the start of forgiveness.
*Update: My housemate and I talked yesterday and I was right about much of what I wrote above. Also, she shared about the financial stress she is under, which is almost causing panic attacks. Good news is that we worked out a couple compromises - I'll buy a few dishes and Zoey can stay in my room when housemate needs focused privacy. We will see how it goes. In other news, we had an earthquake last night, and I was awake for it! It wasn't as scary for me as past earthquakes for some reason - felt more like rolling than jolting - but we were further from the epicenter than my ex who lives in Oakl@nd.
3/20/2014
EOL and Dating
My fifth out of six EOL leadership weekends was the best one yet in terms of the experience of being there and how I feel coming out of it. One remarkable thing that happened was that I asked one of the men for feedback on when I shared the vulnerable experience with the whole group the prior weekend. I had felt very raw coming out of that and realized that I needed to receive reflection and reassurance that what I shared would be honored and held with care. I received all that and more, including his perception that all the men in the circle were tuned in to what I was saying and trying to hold space for me, and that what I shared mirrored a thread of what they had shared in the men's circle. It was a truly wonderful and generous conversation and met all my needs for reassurance and care. I feel so grateful.
Another significant insight was that I often feel the need to be "on" in my life and am scanning everyone looking for a connection. This is exhausting, as is working to have everyone - including all my students - like me. Not everyone will like me! And I don't need to connect with everyone as I move through my day or walk across campus. No wonder I come home from work and need to crash! So my intention is to, as corny as it may sound, befriend myself and let myself off the hook to some degree. I want to be my authentic self, and that includes being "on" at times and tuned in to my students, being playful, as well as being more quiet and inward at times - taking opportunities to be alone and "recharge" my energy.
On a lighter note, we also crawled, skipped, galloped and ran all around the property in our pod groups acting like various species of animals exploring nature. It was silly and playful and there was lots of laughter. At one point, we crashed in the grass of the meadow and exclaimed that being an animal was exhausting! For the rest of the time, we just made animal sounds from a reclining position, including those of fish and sharks. I am definitely feeling comfortable and a sense of trust with the "village" now that is really wonderful.
In ongoing dating adventures, I let the last guy I went on a date with know that I didn't feel there was quite enough attraction there to continue seeing each other romantically. Not surprisingly, he wasn't interested in the friends track. I have also been emailing with a couple other guys, both of whom seem more attractive and interesting to me. I will likely talk to one of them on the phone today or tomorrow afternoon. He suggested we talk on the phone after I asked him a couple questions about something he wrote in his profile about "8-hour parties," attending Burning Man, and being bohemian, as well as having a more regular Joe side. I happen to know he works in strategic planning/public policy and is not a total flake, but I'm not sure what he means when he says these things... he recently went to a wedding in LA and said his group of friends hung out by the pool talking and did some dancing, so it didn't sound too crazy. You just never know here in the Bay Area. :) I'll let you know what I find out and whether we end up meeting this Sunday. He also surfs, which I find trés sexy...
The second guy is very cute, has a Ph.D. focusing in part on psychology, describes himself as athletic... and, comes with his own issue of possible concern: He says he has food/other allergies and gets migraines on a regular basis which somewhat limit his activities. Kudos to him for being up front about it, but it's a little worrisome to know from the start that your partner is limited in the activities they can participate in with you. He said in his profile that he would encourage his girlfriend to go do things with friends, but companionship in life - including in social and cultural activities - are a big part of the fun of relationship for me. So, I also look forward to learning more about this topic when he and I meet next Wednesday.
Other than that, just generally enjoying Spring Break this week and the gorgeous weather we're having! Hope you all are having a good week, too.
Another significant insight was that I often feel the need to be "on" in my life and am scanning everyone looking for a connection. This is exhausting, as is working to have everyone - including all my students - like me. Not everyone will like me! And I don't need to connect with everyone as I move through my day or walk across campus. No wonder I come home from work and need to crash! So my intention is to, as corny as it may sound, befriend myself and let myself off the hook to some degree. I want to be my authentic self, and that includes being "on" at times and tuned in to my students, being playful, as well as being more quiet and inward at times - taking opportunities to be alone and "recharge" my energy.
On a lighter note, we also crawled, skipped, galloped and ran all around the property in our pod groups acting like various species of animals exploring nature. It was silly and playful and there was lots of laughter. At one point, we crashed in the grass of the meadow and exclaimed that being an animal was exhausting! For the rest of the time, we just made animal sounds from a reclining position, including those of fish and sharks. I am definitely feeling comfortable and a sense of trust with the "village" now that is really wonderful.
In ongoing dating adventures, I let the last guy I went on a date with know that I didn't feel there was quite enough attraction there to continue seeing each other romantically. Not surprisingly, he wasn't interested in the friends track. I have also been emailing with a couple other guys, both of whom seem more attractive and interesting to me. I will likely talk to one of them on the phone today or tomorrow afternoon. He suggested we talk on the phone after I asked him a couple questions about something he wrote in his profile about "8-hour parties," attending Burning Man, and being bohemian, as well as having a more regular Joe side. I happen to know he works in strategic planning/public policy and is not a total flake, but I'm not sure what he means when he says these things... he recently went to a wedding in LA and said his group of friends hung out by the pool talking and did some dancing, so it didn't sound too crazy. You just never know here in the Bay Area. :) I'll let you know what I find out and whether we end up meeting this Sunday. He also surfs, which I find trés sexy...
The second guy is very cute, has a Ph.D. focusing in part on psychology, describes himself as athletic... and, comes with his own issue of possible concern: He says he has food/other allergies and gets migraines on a regular basis which somewhat limit his activities. Kudos to him for being up front about it, but it's a little worrisome to know from the start that your partner is limited in the activities they can participate in with you. He said in his profile that he would encourage his girlfriend to go do things with friends, but companionship in life - including in social and cultural activities - are a big part of the fun of relationship for me. So, I also look forward to learning more about this topic when he and I meet next Wednesday.
Other than that, just generally enjoying Spring Break this week and the gorgeous weather we're having! Hope you all are having a good week, too.
12/20/2012
Happy Birthday to Me, and Happy Holidays!
I had a great birthday, though I can't say I'm excited about turning another year older! The day started with brunch at an English pub. S and I met a friend I know from my dance group. She had actually organized the brunch, cancelled when not many people could come that day, then went ahead with it when she found out we would be coming, which was totally cool. Her husband was originally going to join us but could only stop by for a minute. We had a good time, though, and then another interesting couple dropped by for breakfast and a chat.
At the end of brunch time, my friend and I broke away for a half hour to talk. We had been trying to connect for the prior week, as she wanted to discuss motherhood issues coming up for her around a family member becoming pregnant. She reads this blog and knows my feelings and efforts in this area, so wanted to connect with me about it. Her husband doesn't want kids, but understandably she hoped this might soften over time. I feel for her and hope that something in the situation might shift as what she wants draws into clearer focus. We discussed how, while it's not foolproof, sometimes it seems that one person's position can change when the other person becomes really clear about their own needs or desires. Or maybe something will shift in her own feelings.
Anyway, I really enjoyed the morning of good food, good company, and meaningful conversation. We headed off from there to watch "The Hobbit" movie. I enjoyed it! I guess it's described as "cartoon" violence, and this violence doesn't tend to bother me in the same way. The science fiction, other-worldly aspect is fun... and I love Gollum! He's such an interesting character from a psychological perspective - so broken and delusional. We all have Gollum within us! ha
Finally after heading back to my place for some Zoey care, S and I went to a very nice dinner in our favorite neighborhood. The same restaurant we chose for his birthday a year and a half ago!
* As a side note, this is one example of many "do-overs" we're experiencing, which feel quite healing. Opportunities to experience something similar but from a radically different (and happier, healthier) place. My whole birthday and hopefully the rest of the month including Christmas are actually "do-overs" in that sense, as we broke up at the beginning of December, casting a pall on the entire month last year (as many of you might remember).
But back to dinner... we actually had a lot of deep conversation over wine and delicious food, including talking about our possible paths to parenthood: we both still feel a desire for a biological child, could also imagine adopting, and can even consider the possibility of living child-free, though this is not either of our preferences. It's amazing to me I am able to even try that last one on, but I have done so, as I think I've shared here, entirely separate from him.
We ended with a yummy tart with ice cream and chocolate cake dessert split. He gave me presents of chocolates, a book, and a trip to wine country, but I swear, going out to dinner makes me as happy as anything. Eating out more often is definitely one of the perks of dating someone, in my book. I'm laughing at myself! Ah well.
I need to wrap this up and head to bed. I did want to share that we've had two counseling appointments, and this is going remarkably well. So far, we are able to maintain closeness and not become adversarial, which I was a bit worried about. Also, we are getting to the heart of some of the issues that affect us, including his responsiveness to intense sadness or other strong emotions I may feel, and my grief and anger (yes I still have some anger) about the shock and pain of our break-ups.
And lastly, it took me longer than anticipated, but I did eventually rev up into the Christmas spirit. My little tree is decorated (see below), gifts bought and sent, cookies made. Really looking forward to going to a couple of friend and family events on Christmas and having S with me. Glad to not be leaving the Zoester either. I miss her when I don't see her for two or three hours; whole days are brutal! Here are a couple fairly recent pics of my sweetie pie. :)
At the end of brunch time, my friend and I broke away for a half hour to talk. We had been trying to connect for the prior week, as she wanted to discuss motherhood issues coming up for her around a family member becoming pregnant. She reads this blog and knows my feelings and efforts in this area, so wanted to connect with me about it. Her husband doesn't want kids, but understandably she hoped this might soften over time. I feel for her and hope that something in the situation might shift as what she wants draws into clearer focus. We discussed how, while it's not foolproof, sometimes it seems that one person's position can change when the other person becomes really clear about their own needs or desires. Or maybe something will shift in her own feelings.
Anyway, I really enjoyed the morning of good food, good company, and meaningful conversation. We headed off from there to watch "The Hobbit" movie. I enjoyed it! I guess it's described as "cartoon" violence, and this violence doesn't tend to bother me in the same way. The science fiction, other-worldly aspect is fun... and I love Gollum! He's such an interesting character from a psychological perspective - so broken and delusional. We all have Gollum within us! ha
Finally after heading back to my place for some Zoey care, S and I went to a very nice dinner in our favorite neighborhood. The same restaurant we chose for his birthday a year and a half ago!
* As a side note, this is one example of many "do-overs" we're experiencing, which feel quite healing. Opportunities to experience something similar but from a radically different (and happier, healthier) place. My whole birthday and hopefully the rest of the month including Christmas are actually "do-overs" in that sense, as we broke up at the beginning of December, casting a pall on the entire month last year (as many of you might remember).
But back to dinner... we actually had a lot of deep conversation over wine and delicious food, including talking about our possible paths to parenthood: we both still feel a desire for a biological child, could also imagine adopting, and can even consider the possibility of living child-free, though this is not either of our preferences. It's amazing to me I am able to even try that last one on, but I have done so, as I think I've shared here, entirely separate from him.
We ended with a yummy tart with ice cream and chocolate cake dessert split. He gave me presents of chocolates, a book, and a trip to wine country, but I swear, going out to dinner makes me as happy as anything. Eating out more often is definitely one of the perks of dating someone, in my book. I'm laughing at myself! Ah well.
I need to wrap this up and head to bed. I did want to share that we've had two counseling appointments, and this is going remarkably well. So far, we are able to maintain closeness and not become adversarial, which I was a bit worried about. Also, we are getting to the heart of some of the issues that affect us, including his responsiveness to intense sadness or other strong emotions I may feel, and my grief and anger (yes I still have some anger) about the shock and pain of our break-ups.
And lastly, it took me longer than anticipated, but I did eventually rev up into the Christmas spirit. My little tree is decorated (see below), gifts bought and sent, cookies made. Really looking forward to going to a couple of friend and family events on Christmas and having S with me. Glad to not be leaving the Zoester either. I miss her when I don't see her for two or three hours; whole days are brutal! Here are a couple fairly recent pics of my sweetie pie. :)
2/05/2012
Seeking Within
The housemate and I watched the Super.bowl together and his team (he grew up in NY) won, so that was fun. I made yummy 7-layer bean dip, and we drank porter and later cooked up some pesto pizza. A regular party around these parts, yo!
I'm about to go read me some more of the book, "Undefended Love," which I shared about in a previous post. If you go through a heart-wrenching breakup, you may as well get some personal growth out of it, right? The exercises I've done so far have been helpful, though I'd like to be doing them with a partner. C'est la vie.
I'm becoming more and more convinced that my time right now should be spent on working on myself versus seeking a man. I'm tired ofdesperately seeking. A psychic in San Luis Ob.ispo told me before I moved up here a couple years ago that the right man would find me. That my baby was waiting for this man and I to get together. She said this man would be good looking, not need mothering (as she said many men I've been with so far have needed), and would have a child already or we would adopt one together (in addition to the baby we would create). So there you go. I just need to hang out and wait for him to show up!
Regardless of the veracity of her prediction - and actually I need to write another post about growing doubts I'll even have a biological child - I'm sick and tired of Ma.tch f'ing com and all the other crap dating sites. I'm too weird (i.e. too 'deep' and artsy and progressive, etc.) to find my match on there.
Plus, I'm still sorting through the remnants of my breakup with S. We talked on the phone Thursday night, which felt surprisingly good. He proposed we just check in that night about what had been happening in our lives and then talk again in two or three days about the relationship, to which I agreed. Since the conversation, I've been thinking of him more and missing him. I know, however, that what I need to focus on is getting more clarity and possibly healing.
I think part of missing him is just plain feeling lonely. This book is helping me to not run away from those feelings. . .
I'm about to go read me some more of the book, "Undefended Love," which I shared about in a previous post. If you go through a heart-wrenching breakup, you may as well get some personal growth out of it, right? The exercises I've done so far have been helpful, though I'd like to be doing them with a partner. C'est la vie.
I'm becoming more and more convinced that my time right now should be spent on working on myself versus seeking a man. I'm tired of
Regardless of the veracity of her prediction - and actually I need to write another post about growing doubts I'll even have a biological child - I'm sick and tired of Ma.tch f'ing com and all the other crap dating sites. I'm too weird (i.e. too 'deep' and artsy and progressive, etc.) to find my match on there.
Plus, I'm still sorting through the remnants of my breakup with S. We talked on the phone Thursday night, which felt surprisingly good. He proposed we just check in that night about what had been happening in our lives and then talk again in two or three days about the relationship, to which I agreed. Since the conversation, I've been thinking of him more and missing him. I know, however, that what I need to focus on is getting more clarity and possibly healing.
I think part of missing him is just plain feeling lonely. This book is helping me to not run away from those feelings. . .
1/28/2012
Another Round of Fun
It's been a while, but I recently had another cry about my break-up with S. The wave of sadness came on unexpectedly, as they often do; this one while re-reading our most recent email exchange.
We had not communicated since I had emailed him post-Christmas, after receiving his email confirming he had spent the holiday with his ex and that his romantic feelings for us had been fading - according to him, of their own accord, not due to anyone else taking that focus. I said that I doubted his ability to be truthful and did not want to be friends at this point, but may want to talk in the future.
Then, a couple weeks ago I felt strong enough to talk further about our relationship and insights I had discovered. So, I wrote him an email explaining the emotional pain in which I wrote the last email, but that I was now feeling the need for more closure and understanding. I asked if he was willing to have a conversation, and this is the core of the reply I received:
"We did have something special. I'm left confused by our breakup. However, I feel deeply convinced that it's the right thing for me.
"I have a couple initial thoughts I'd like to share. I want to be clear I was in not asking you to get back together. I was asking for what I consider an extremely reasonable thing: to have a conversation about our relationship post-breakup. That you will not have this with me is deeply confusing and hurtful to me. Do you not feel some sense of responsibility, or, if not that, caring for my needs around this? I don't understand what is so scary or threatening about talking to me. Part of what I wanted to share with you has to do with my own revelations about myself and some of the choices I made; stuff I imagine you would want to hear."
I then expressed some strongly-worded feelings about how his choices at the end of our relationship sucked and diminished my view of us and our relationship. . .
". . .That said, I recognize my own role in our issues, including checking out sometimes and not being present to what was actually happening, taking you and your communication for granted at times (or not respecting and caring for your feelings at times around communication). And there was lots of stuff with our chemistry, on both sides. I just wanted it to get better but was not admitting that it was not getting better and was in fact getting worse. I don't completely understand, because the emotional/mental is so interconnected with the physical, but there were problems and I don't think I faced them directly at the end."
Ah breakups, how fun you are. Not.
I'm really doing okay overall and healing well. But we shared so much, and he and our relationship meant a lot to me. I want to understand as much as I can about what happened. And I do want more closure. I suppose I may have to find more closure for myself at this time, as so many people have had to do before me when their partner refused to process with them.
Admittedly, when I transport myself back through the reality of our relationship, I remember how so many times I did not want to get close to him in circumstances that I think in a "healthy enough" relationship you should want to get close to someone. As I said to him, I don't fully understand how the emotional/mental connects to the physical. On some level, did I sense that he was not being completely transparent with me about his exes and therefore feel unsafe and less attracted/sexual with him? I don't know. He had lapses in his feelings of hotness for me too that may have fed into my feelings.
Overall though, I don't think the hotness factor was high enough for what I want and need in a long-term relationship. SO many wonderful companion qualities were present. And at the beginning, he was so into me that it fueled my passion for him. Does anyone else experience this phenomenon of feeling more attracted to someone if they are totally into you? Anyway, this pattern seemed to subside far too quickly, within a couple months of us committing to each other.
Another factor that fueled our attraction/connection was trying to get pregnant. Something both of us really wanted. And it was exciting that we both were so fully on board with this goal and working toward it together, going through the process each month as a team. I can tell you, after trying for many cycles over the years as a single woman, it was really nice to have someone else next to me on the roller coaster sharing mutual support. But month after month of failure. . . and then we took a month off from trying. . . and our already deflating passion seemed to deflate further.
Thanks for listening to my ongoing analysis. Your support and comments through this breakup has really meant a lot to me and helped me through the dark times.
Part of me would like to write a second email to him saying, "F you," to take some control (and if I'm honest, hurt him like he hurt me). But that would be shooting myself in the foot considering we are part of the same community and will have to deal with each other in the future.
Also, emotionally, I would like to end on a healthy note, ideally even a loving note, but time will tell if that is possible. For now, I will just keep healing my own heart and writing my feelings, as needed, on my own. And if I get to the place where I want to send him a more comprehensive final letter, I can do that too.
We had not communicated since I had emailed him post-Christmas, after receiving his email confirming he had spent the holiday with his ex and that his romantic feelings for us had been fading - according to him, of their own accord, not due to anyone else taking that focus. I said that I doubted his ability to be truthful and did not want to be friends at this point, but may want to talk in the future.
Then, a couple weeks ago I felt strong enough to talk further about our relationship and insights I had discovered. So, I wrote him an email explaining the emotional pain in which I wrote the last email, but that I was now feeling the need for more closure and understanding. I asked if he was willing to have a conversation, and this is the core of the reply I received:
"We did have something special. I'm left confused by our breakup. However, I feel deeply convinced that it's the right thing for me.
I'm not up to, nor up for, discussing it with anyone yet, and probably least of all with you. I think I did a few things that would have been very hard on any relationship, and I think some of your ways of reacting and interacting were particularly hard on me (vs. some imaginary "average" man who's a bit less sensitive, especially to particular constructions of words).
I have a lot to unpick on my side before I'll be more emotionally resilient, and ready to not require of a partner that they be extraordinarily resilient, just to withstand my being what seems like myself. I do still think this will need expert help.
As we saw, the hard way, I also have strong connections to two of my exes, and I have to figure out just what I'm willing to give and take on those before I try a relationship again."
Is it just me, or is his tone excessively formal? Actually, knowing him, I can say that he tends to write on the formal side but this is extremely formal, even for him.
Is it just me, or is his tone excessively formal? Actually, knowing him, I can say that he tends to write on the formal side but this is extremely formal, even for him.
He also said he's not ready to talk about our relationship as a whole and asked for space. No specific timeframe but indicated several months. Btw, he didn't say anything I hadn't already heard, content-wise, in the email. Some of the things he says point out our differences in preference for direct and indirect communication. I thought the way he framed the situation with his exes was particularly gentle on himself, to put it mildly.
After reading this email from him, I felt disappointed, angry, and hurt (also some yuckiness). Because of the formality and refusal to engage with me, I guess. Is his response fair? What is going on with him? Feeling guilty? Or just emotionally overwhelmed and unable to deal with talking to me?
It feels like he's holding onto control and not considering my feelings in the equation, which is resonant with how he's behaved as a whole during our breakup.
After reading this email from him, I felt disappointed, angry, and hurt (also some yuckiness). Because of the formality and refusal to engage with me, I guess. Is his response fair? What is going on with him? Feeling guilty? Or just emotionally overwhelmed and unable to deal with talking to me?
It feels like he's holding onto control and not considering my feelings in the equation, which is resonant with how he's behaved as a whole during our breakup.
I did write back an immediate response, which I don't regret, and which says some of the things I've wanted to say. But it's far from comprehensive. Here is an excerpt:
"I have a couple initial thoughts I'd like to share. I want to be clear I was in not asking you to get back together. I was asking for what I consider an extremely reasonable thing: to have a conversation about our relationship post-breakup. That you will not have this with me is deeply confusing and hurtful to me. Do you not feel some sense of responsibility, or, if not that, caring for my needs around this? I don't understand what is so scary or threatening about talking to me. Part of what I wanted to share with you has to do with my own revelations about myself and some of the choices I made; stuff I imagine you would want to hear."
I then expressed some strongly-worded feelings about how his choices at the end of our relationship sucked and diminished my view of us and our relationship. . .
". . .That said, I recognize my own role in our issues, including checking out sometimes and not being present to what was actually happening, taking you and your communication for granted at times (or not respecting and caring for your feelings at times around communication). And there was lots of stuff with our chemistry, on both sides. I just wanted it to get better but was not admitting that it was not getting better and was in fact getting worse. I don't completely understand, because the emotional/mental is so interconnected with the physical, but there were problems and I don't think I faced them directly at the end."
Ah breakups, how fun you are. Not.
I'm really doing okay overall and healing well. But we shared so much, and he and our relationship meant a lot to me. I want to understand as much as I can about what happened. And I do want more closure. I suppose I may have to find more closure for myself at this time, as so many people have had to do before me when their partner refused to process with them.
Admittedly, when I transport myself back through the reality of our relationship, I remember how so many times I did not want to get close to him in circumstances that I think in a "healthy enough" relationship you should want to get close to someone. As I said to him, I don't fully understand how the emotional/mental connects to the physical. On some level, did I sense that he was not being completely transparent with me about his exes and therefore feel unsafe and less attracted/sexual with him? I don't know. He had lapses in his feelings of hotness for me too that may have fed into my feelings.
Overall though, I don't think the hotness factor was high enough for what I want and need in a long-term relationship. SO many wonderful companion qualities were present. And at the beginning, he was so into me that it fueled my passion for him. Does anyone else experience this phenomenon of feeling more attracted to someone if they are totally into you? Anyway, this pattern seemed to subside far too quickly, within a couple months of us committing to each other.
Another factor that fueled our attraction/connection was trying to get pregnant. Something both of us really wanted. And it was exciting that we both were so fully on board with this goal and working toward it together, going through the process each month as a team. I can tell you, after trying for many cycles over the years as a single woman, it was really nice to have someone else next to me on the roller coaster sharing mutual support. But month after month of failure. . . and then we took a month off from trying. . . and our already deflating passion seemed to deflate further.
Thanks for listening to my ongoing analysis. Your support and comments through this breakup has really meant a lot to me and helped me through the dark times.
Part of me would like to write a second email to him saying, "F you," to take some control (and if I'm honest, hurt him like he hurt me). But that would be shooting myself in the foot considering we are part of the same community and will have to deal with each other in the future.
Also, emotionally, I would like to end on a healthy note, ideally even a loving note, but time will tell if that is possible. For now, I will just keep healing my own heart and writing my feelings, as needed, on my own. And if I get to the place where I want to send him a more comprehensive final letter, I can do that too.
1/06/2012
Finally, a Good Mood
I've been in a good mood today, believe it or not. The first true good mood in several weeks, if not longer, it seems.
Possible reasons include cutting back on the supplement DHEA, which I think may be helping. In addition, I'm on what I call my "hormonal upswing," a few days into my cycle, and I had a really big, ugly cry on Monday (and a smaller one yesterday), which released some grief.
During my Monday cry, I became clear that I'm aching to fully love someone - that I hadn't been able to do that with S and felt deeply sorry about that fact. It sounds fairly simple but felt like a significant insight and shift from feeling despairing and wounded. I still have sadness and am constantly getting triggered by memories and seeing emails or event announcements for things we did together in the past. I looked at his Facebook page today. So, clearly I'm still thinking about him, but the feelings don't seem as raw.
As a result of talking about my insight with my housemate, he ended up loaning me a copy of the book he's working through with his (sort of) girlfriend, called Undefended Love. It's about the balance between the polarity of deeply connecting with yourself and deeply connecting with another person. And about true intimacy coming from directly facing your fears/vulnerability and being present with whatever is happening, versus automatically reverting to old, well-worn defenses that feel safe and familiar. I guess there are some exercises further along in the book. I'll let you know how it goes.
Did I mention I rejoined Mat.ch.c.om? Initially, it was a move to soothe my ego and gain some equilibrium in the situation with S. Maybe some of that is still true, but I'm also feeling like it's a healthy thing for me to be "out there" interacting with people. I've only been on the one date so far before Christmas, which didn't have much chemistry. . . and I was still pretty deep in the grief at that point too.
In the last few days, I've been emailing with a recently retired (he retired early to receive his full pension or something; he's only a few years older than me) cop from a nearby town. I like him a lot and he's funny, but he still seems to have some grief going on of his own from his divorce. Maybe we're perfect for each other right now! lol
Finally, school started back up this week. I'm teaching two days a week, covering my co-teacher's (who quit) days, as well as my own. This is supposed to be the "worst" school, but I'm generally liking it so far, knock on wood. The teacher is very supportive of our program and involved with activities, so that's making a huge difference. There's the one rowdy period, of course, who get on my last nerve, but it's not intolerable so far. We're not sure if we have a school lined up after this one, so my fingers are crossed. I'm skating on financial fumes after the holidays and cannot wait until payday on Tuesday!
I have been reading other blogs and appreciating hearing others' feelings and experiences as the year turns. It makes me feel less alone. I truly wish that you all receive the dreams of your heart (and more) in 2012!
Possible reasons include cutting back on the supplement DHEA, which I think may be helping. In addition, I'm on what I call my "hormonal upswing," a few days into my cycle, and I had a really big, ugly cry on Monday (and a smaller one yesterday), which released some grief.
During my Monday cry, I became clear that I'm aching to fully love someone - that I hadn't been able to do that with S and felt deeply sorry about that fact. It sounds fairly simple but felt like a significant insight and shift from feeling despairing and wounded. I still have sadness and am constantly getting triggered by memories and seeing emails or event announcements for things we did together in the past. I looked at his Facebook page today. So, clearly I'm still thinking about him, but the feelings don't seem as raw.
As a result of talking about my insight with my housemate, he ended up loaning me a copy of the book he's working through with his (sort of) girlfriend, called Undefended Love. It's about the balance between the polarity of deeply connecting with yourself and deeply connecting with another person. And about true intimacy coming from directly facing your fears/vulnerability and being present with whatever is happening, versus automatically reverting to old, well-worn defenses that feel safe and familiar. I guess there are some exercises further along in the book. I'll let you know how it goes.
Did I mention I rejoined Mat.ch.c.om? Initially, it was a move to soothe my ego and gain some equilibrium in the situation with S. Maybe some of that is still true, but I'm also feeling like it's a healthy thing for me to be "out there" interacting with people. I've only been on the one date so far before Christmas, which didn't have much chemistry. . . and I was still pretty deep in the grief at that point too.
In the last few days, I've been emailing with a recently retired (he retired early to receive his full pension or something; he's only a few years older than me) cop from a nearby town. I like him a lot and he's funny, but he still seems to have some grief going on of his own from his divorce. Maybe we're perfect for each other right now! lol
Finally, school started back up this week. I'm teaching two days a week, covering my co-teacher's (who quit) days, as well as my own. This is supposed to be the "worst" school, but I'm generally liking it so far, knock on wood. The teacher is very supportive of our program and involved with activities, so that's making a huge difference. There's the one rowdy period, of course, who get on my last nerve, but it's not intolerable so far. We're not sure if we have a school lined up after this one, so my fingers are crossed. I'm skating on financial fumes after the holidays and cannot wait until payday on Tuesday!
I have been reading other blogs and appreciating hearing others' feelings and experiences as the year turns. It makes me feel less alone. I truly wish that you all receive the dreams of your heart (and more) in 2012!
12/31/2011
Telling on Myself
Happy New Year's Eve.
Continuing to slowly climb out of the hole. Gradually relying less on vices to cope with my grief. Trying to bring in some meditation and writing. Still drinking more than usual and watching a lot of television though.
My housemate came back from New York where his family lives, but he's been staying over at his girlfriend's (or whatever she is right now) house. I guess the idea is to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot over this weekend, then see where they're going to go. They've been together a year or so I think and broken up twice in that time. She's high energy and can turn in to a human tornado of emotion, especially around her stressful job managing a retreat center. He (my housemate) is more introverted and gets overwhelmed with her agitation.
He also feels taken for granted, as well as devalued at times when she has had "friendships" pop up from the past with other guys. She's been a very free spirit over the years, traveling a lot, lovers in every port, etc. Anyway, they do have lots of chemistry and have been trying very hard, so actually I hope they can work it out.
To catch up on my own mess, when I got back from Christmas, there was an email from S (I'm going to call him S for Snake, instead of sh/cm, because it fits my feelings right now) saying his romantic feelings had faded the last few days - not because of any focus on another person - but on their own accord. And he wanted to enter the New Year as friends.
Well, that hurt. Even though I was uncertain what I wanted, there was at least some hope, and we had been processing relationship issues together over email. This felt like yet another slap. I do have to admit that I emailed him first, the day before, saying that I needed to step back emotionally. I had asked him what he was doing for Christmas and there was a deafening silence on that front, which clearly indicated he spent it with his ex. It made me realize how very uncomfortable I still was with the whole situation and that I couldn't really be processing anything with him while this was going on. But I expected him to understand; for us to pull back but there be a desire on his part to continue talking later.
As I write this, I realize I probably shouldn't have been processing things with him in the first place at this time, all things considered. But it is SO hard to break up with someone and just float out into the ether. It's an emotional shock and leaves such a huge gaping hole in your heart, as well as your life (I imagine you all know what I'm talking about). It sounds good to "be tough," but it feels horrible.
Anyway, I responded to his post-Christmas email with a fairly short response saying I had sadly come to doubt his capacity to be truthful, as well as his very character, and I didn't want to be friends. That I may want to talk at some point in the future but, for now, goodbye. That felt right and strong but then the recent lonely days wore on me. . . I know I should be getting out and distracting myself, but I'm low on money after Christmas and feeling low energy too.
So, I had a mini-slip yesterday and sent him an article from Psychology Today called, "Promise Keepers - The Committed Partners Who Stay Faithful to Each Other," about the 50% of relationships in which both partners manage to remain faithful. I saw the flaws of our relationship in some of the qualities she described, and it evoked both an ache and an excited feeling of affirmation, like, "Yes, yes, that's what I wanted!" For example, this section on "Inclusion":
Think inclusion rather than exclusion. Faithful partners know the differences between privacy and secrecy. Private thoughts or actions do not necessarily threaten a relationship, but may. Anyone can be more susceptible to slipping from something innocent to a potentially dangerous situation. Faithful partners put their relationship above those possibilities.
Continuing to slowly climb out of the hole. Gradually relying less on vices to cope with my grief. Trying to bring in some meditation and writing. Still drinking more than usual and watching a lot of television though.
My housemate came back from New York where his family lives, but he's been staying over at his girlfriend's (or whatever she is right now) house. I guess the idea is to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot over this weekend, then see where they're going to go. They've been together a year or so I think and broken up twice in that time. She's high energy and can turn in to a human tornado of emotion, especially around her stressful job managing a retreat center. He (my housemate) is more introverted and gets overwhelmed with her agitation.
He also feels taken for granted, as well as devalued at times when she has had "friendships" pop up from the past with other guys. She's been a very free spirit over the years, traveling a lot, lovers in every port, etc. Anyway, they do have lots of chemistry and have been trying very hard, so actually I hope they can work it out.
To catch up on my own mess, when I got back from Christmas, there was an email from S (I'm going to call him S for Snake, instead of sh/cm, because it fits my feelings right now) saying his romantic feelings had faded the last few days - not because of any focus on another person - but on their own accord. And he wanted to enter the New Year as friends.
Well, that hurt. Even though I was uncertain what I wanted, there was at least some hope, and we had been processing relationship issues together over email. This felt like yet another slap. I do have to admit that I emailed him first, the day before, saying that I needed to step back emotionally. I had asked him what he was doing for Christmas and there was a deafening silence on that front, which clearly indicated he spent it with his ex. It made me realize how very uncomfortable I still was with the whole situation and that I couldn't really be processing anything with him while this was going on. But I expected him to understand; for us to pull back but there be a desire on his part to continue talking later.
As I write this, I realize I probably shouldn't have been processing things with him in the first place at this time, all things considered. But it is SO hard to break up with someone and just float out into the ether. It's an emotional shock and leaves such a huge gaping hole in your heart, as well as your life (I imagine you all know what I'm talking about). It sounds good to "be tough," but it feels horrible.
Anyway, I responded to his post-Christmas email with a fairly short response saying I had sadly come to doubt his capacity to be truthful, as well as his very character, and I didn't want to be friends. That I may want to talk at some point in the future but, for now, goodbye. That felt right and strong but then the recent lonely days wore on me. . . I know I should be getting out and distracting myself, but I'm low on money after Christmas and feeling low energy too.
So, I had a mini-slip yesterday and sent him an article from Psychology Today called, "Promise Keepers - The Committed Partners Who Stay Faithful to Each Other," about the 50% of relationships in which both partners manage to remain faithful. I saw the flaws of our relationship in some of the qualities she described, and it evoked both an ache and an excited feeling of affirmation, like, "Yes, yes, that's what I wanted!" For example, this section on "Inclusion":
Think inclusion rather than exclusion. Faithful partners know the differences between privacy and secrecy. Private thoughts or actions do not necessarily threaten a relationship, but may. Anyone can be more susceptible to slipping from something innocent to a potentially dangerous situation. Faithful partners put their relationship above those possibilities.
Intimacy is about trust, trust is about honesty, and honesty is about not hiding anything. When partners have nothing to hide, they don't end up fugitives from each other. They don't want to harbor concerns that what they are doing could potentially threaten the sanctity of their bond.
In the moment of reading the article, I felt deeply compelled to send it to S. I thought I was coming from a somewhat detached place of wanting him to understand what might have helped us, but also an altruistic desire to help him learn for whatever possible future relationship he ended up in. In retrospect, I wanted him to understand what he did "wrong" and what kind of relationship I wanted, but also it was a little piece of connection with him. I'm definitely getting stronger and feeling more balanced, but clearly still struggling with the loneliness and separation.
So, I guess I wanted to "tell" on myself here. I don't know what he's got going on with his ex - they could be making like bunnies over there - but it's not my business and it's not really the point. He behaved very badly. I need MUCH more respect, transparency, and caring for my feelings from a partner I'm with long term. I am deeply disappointed and sad about the choices he made and for the way things ended, but I take responsibility for having doubts and issues of my own that seriously affected our relationship.
At this point, I'm trying to find faith that there may be someone else out there for me with a stronger character and a stronger chemistry with me, who still has a lot of the wonderful shared values, interests, goals, and communication that S and I shared. But sometimes I'm not so sure. . .
1/29/2011
Emotional Processing Continues. . .
I became clear that he is interested in becoming friends again and getting to know me now to see whether we have that heart and soul connection we felt back then. It seems that we both have thought of our time together over the years and perceived it as unique and special, especially considering that neither of us having experienced that level of connection in other relationships.
But I recognize, and I think he does too, that the circumstances back then invited intensity and impacted the parameters within which we could know each other. In a way, we don't truly know each other, at least not the more mundane everyday versions of each other. Not to mention that we have both grown and changed over the years in ways neither of us really knows at this point, if that makes sense.
I guess I'm feeling perplexed because I'm not ready to go there yet, even though part of me would like to. I still have unresolved feelings about the way the decision was made regarding the abor.tion so many years ago and the roller coaster nature of our involvement, which left me with feelings of anger and resentment.
Some of those feelings are lessening just in the conversations we have had so far and the responsibility he has taken, the acknowledgment of self-centered attitudes at the time. But another piece I need to talk to him about relates to the circumstances in which I would have probably chosen to have the child.
Some of those feelings are lessening just in the conversations we have had so far and the responsibility he has taken, the acknowledgment of self-centered attitudes at the time. But another piece I need to talk to him about relates to the circumstances in which I would have probably chosen to have the child.
I think if he would have said that he would help me and support me, I would have seriously considered it. Because - and I know this isn't "mature" or an ideal way of thinking - but at the time I likely would have thought about the fact that I was in love with him and the baby was part of him and it would have been a bond between us.
In a way, looking back, a small part of me felt like he abandoned me, like we created something together and then he pushed it away and didn’t want anything to do with it. And that felt like a rejection of being with me as well as a rejection of the pregnancy.
I want to ask him: What do you feel when you hear that? Have you felt any regrets about that decision? Why or why not? have you ever thought about what would have happened or what it would have been like if we had the baby? Why did you never even consider it? I pretty much know why but I need to hear it.
Additional perplexity = his current cohabitation with another woman. Interestingly, as I was writing this he emailed and mentioned he is moving out, so more shall be revealed on that front.
So yeah, lots of heavy stuff. But somehow I feel like working through this will help reveal my current pathway to motherhood, whatever that may turn out to be. And a very old pain in my heart may just be healed.
1/25/2011
Too Much Emotion
Feeling emotional today for a variety of reasons, I think. I am in the oh-so-lovely feminine time of moodiness (at least for me) in which every emotion seems inflated to twice it's normal size.
Then of course, the dialogue with R continues. I wrote him an email yesterday and sent it in its' unfiltered state, then woke up this morning with "email regret." I think I said things from an emotional place and in some cases they were more extreme than reality. For example, this lovely gem just popped right out:
"(I know this is COMPLETELY irrational and I don't really believe it but there's this childish wounded part of me that thinks that YOU OWE ME A BABY. I know, I know, crazy talk. But you have THREE KIDS and now you are having grandkids and I'm happy for you. but I'm sad for me. because that never happened for me (at least not yet) and I really wanted and still want it to. anyway, yes, more there.)"
Yikes! That is actually true, that this wounded part of me feels that, but did I really want to tell him that? Apparently in that moment, I did. Part of the lead up to this email was him revealing to me, which he had not done up to that point, that he is actually in a relationship right now. I knew he was living with someone but didn't think they were in a relationship.
So after I got off the phone, I texted that I was feeling some anger and sadness and wasn't clear exactly why. He encouraged me to write an email and really 'let go,' that he was there to listen, that he had a sense I had more to say. So I did (and part of the email addressed learning about his relationship and how that brought up feelings from the past and a dynamic I do not want to reexperience) but now I wonder whether filters have their purpose. . .another thing I wrote:
"Maybe part of this is anger at being in that position for so long so many years ago and your LACK OF ABILITY TO MAKE A DECISION which drove me COMPLETELY INSANE after a while. I should have gotten off the crazy roller coaster but apparently I COULDN'T MAKE THAT DECISION - I was like a pit bull when it's jaw locks or something, I couldn't let go. But I think after going through it enough times, that deep down I was PISSED OFF at you and that some of the love I had for you was crushed. and I think also that maybe I lost some respect for you or questioned your character (which was a direct reflection of my own character) and also, maybe, there was some uncertainty about us making it in the long run. maybe because there was so much pressure on it - if you LEAVE YOUR MARRIAGE for our relationship then it had better be perfect!!! you know? and I AM NOT PERFECT. AND YOU ARE NOT PERFECT. AND IT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN PERFECT (actually I don't even WANT perfect). Would it have been 'good enough' to last? would our love and attraction have had sustaining power? We are different. . ."
In looking at this now, I'm feeling embarrassed about the level of anger, but I guess there's no hiding it, I have anger about what happened. I went on to talk a little about differences and say who knows whether we would have gone the distance or not, that we had a lot of love/attraction but we would have had challenges (like any relationship does).
But I feel like in this section I was trying to explain the doubts I had when it came down to the reality that we might actually be together, that he might choose to be with me. But I don't really know (did I mention this all happened 15-20 years ago?). I have theories but at some level I'm just guessing. It may have been my fear of intimacy. It may have been resentment and lack of trust. It may have been we had gotten to know each other better and I wasn't as sure he was the one for me. Who knows?
So if I didn't really know, I guess I wish I wouldn't have put all that out there. The perfection part. . .well I'm glad that part got said. Because even now, I think he has a fantasy about me that I'm perfect or our love was ideal and clearly that's not true (though part of me idealizes what we felt for each other, as well). And I need to accept him for who he really is, warts and all. Whether we remain in contact or not, I think this is a good thing to do.
So PMS, all kinds of feelings around wrestling with the past with this man who really had a huge impact on my life. . . and then the final thing adding to my emotion today (like that wouldn't be enough haha) is a post I read this morning about a fellow blogger's process of wrestling with her own feelings about God and the idea of people being blessed or chosen to have a child.
I have much compassion and understanding for her feelings, but one thing she said felt like a needle poking a wound. She said the phrase "women who choose to abor.t" or something like that. More than once. And whether it was true or projected on my part, I felt some judgment in the way it was communicated. :( ack
I have shared how much I've wrestled with this decision over the years and continue to do so even in this very moment. And this felt awful to read right now.
I have much compassion and understanding for her feelings, but one thing she said felt like a needle poking a wound. She said the phrase "women who choose to abor.t" or something like that. More than once. And whether it was true or projected on my part, I felt some judgment in the way it was communicated. :( ack
I have shared how much I've wrestled with this decision over the years and continue to do so even in this very moment. And this felt awful to read right now.
But I know I'm overly sensitive at this point so I am going to try and accept and love myself, accept and love this person, and accept, love (and forgive, which is the ultimate goal) R, for whom I continue to feel much gratitude for engaging in this dialogue in the first place.
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