Feeling sad today. I think because it's the first relatively open day I've had to feel anything. So. much. change. I'm sad about my break up but also continuing to feel it was the right thing. Yet still it's a loss, and I miss him.
But honestly, as I think of it, I miss the good times, not so much how things moved back into feeling like I was constantly a bother to him. He never had time for me - no time to talk on the phone, no time to get together, no time to listen to my feelings. I know I played a role in creating that dynamic, but I know that part of it is just his personality. The way he is wired to deal with closeness and intimacy. Also, the way his mind creates reservoirs of resentment that wall his heart off to me.
I don't miss fighting to see him or connect with him, and I don't miss just plain fighting. I definitely have more mental and emotional space now, but I think I've been avoiding grieving. Maybe I've been in the stages of bargaining and denial. He helped me buy my car, which was a boyfriend thing to do. Now, we are talking over dinner tomorrow about closure - what does that look like? Can we be friends?
My thoughts are veering all over the map right now. At times - like last night after a couple glasses of wine - I think, well, maybe he could move in and we could be friends and housemates and support one another. Maybe even friends with benefits. Then I think, no way would that work, and it would be inviting more frustration and suffering. I was at least thinking - from a more level-headed place - we could remain friends and leave the door open a crack, maybe check back in on our relationship in a few months, when he is completely done with treatment (and hopefully I'm pregnant). I feel that if we close the door and completely break up, there is no going back.
But then, I remember how I have felt these last couple of months when things deteriorated again, and I know I don't want that energy or dynamic in my life. Every time we've been together, it's devolved into some version of that place. And I. don't. want. it. It's exhausting and sad and frustrating and draining. I want love - to give and receive it. I want a strong foundation of attraction that doesn't go away, even when we are frustrated with each other, at least not for very long. I want someone who likes my personality, brashness and all.
So, S doesn't want to leave the door open, and maybe I don't want to leave the door open, either. I do feel sad for the good times, the break-throughs, those moments of vulnerability and opening and feelings of I love you so much. We had a lot of those, too.
Showing posts with label grieving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grieving. Show all posts
5/19/2016
8/23/2015
Further Healing
I had a second meeting with S yesterday and had another big release of emotion - both anger and sadness/grief - and we talked about what verbal abuse means and how our interactions did end up in that area. We did a couple of structured exercises, including an "im@ge theatre" one in which we sculpted each other into images of how we saw each other in conflict and also into images of our feelings during this conflict. It was good. I felt lighter at the end, but S seemed to feel heavier and said he was understanding more of what I went through. I'm sorry he is feeling down, but I do appreciate him "going there" and remembering and empathizing with my side of what happened.
Also, I think he was sad that we didn't end up closer physically. He hoped that working through this stuff might automatically lead to us feeling amorous towards one another. I felt affectionate and caring but not romantic. I think switching gears from the intense processing and grief, especially since it involved remembering pain and anger from the worst time in our relationship, to romantic feelings would have been difficult. We have talked about that possibility prior to yesterday, because both of our minds had strayed into that possibility, and I brought up that I sometimes feel strongly passionate towards him and other times not, and would that even be okay with him. He indicated yes, but maybe he's really not, after reflecting further.
Anyway, regardless of what happens, I'm deeply grateful for our conversations, and for him holding space for me to express buried grief and heal further from the traumatic end of our relationship.
Also, I think he was sad that we didn't end up closer physically. He hoped that working through this stuff might automatically lead to us feeling amorous towards one another. I felt affectionate and caring but not romantic. I think switching gears from the intense processing and grief, especially since it involved remembering pain and anger from the worst time in our relationship, to romantic feelings would have been difficult. We have talked about that possibility prior to yesterday, because both of our minds had strayed into that possibility, and I brought up that I sometimes feel strongly passionate towards him and other times not, and would that even be okay with him. He indicated yes, but maybe he's really not, after reflecting further.
Anyway, regardless of what happens, I'm deeply grateful for our conversations, and for him holding space for me to express buried grief and heal further from the traumatic end of our relationship.
8/16/2015
Housing and Healing with update
The month-to-month house I've been living in for the last two weeks has been great in many ways - the kitchen is fantastic and Zoey loves the room and playing with me in the side yard. My housemate was gone all last week so that was nice. I did figure something out about her yesterday... so she's been kind of cold and seems annoyed much of the time I'm around her. Acting put-off when I ask her something and just generally not seeming warm and conversational, like she did when I came to first check out the house. I was feeling anxiety about this and also taking it on myself, questioning if I had done something wrong and trying to be a "perfect" housemate to make her happy.
Weeell, that is ending today. I pay the same amount of rent as she does. Yes, my furniture is in storage and I'm using "her stuff," but that was the agreement we made when we all talked about it and signed the lease with the landlord. She knew I was not going to take my furniture out of storage for just a month or two. I may go to target or even the dollar store and buy a few cups/bowls/dishes. I think that might help some, but overall I'm not going to stress about that.
What I realized yesterday is that she does not want me living here and is not happy about it, and that's just the way it is. She wanted to live with me IF we were both living here long-term and IF I was coming with all my stuff and furniture. She may have preferred, in a way, to live alone, but she was prepared for that scenario. What she did not want was what she got which was that the landlord said everything was uncertain because his wife had Parkinson's and they may move into the house in two or three months, thus everything about this situation has been tenuous. She did not want me "camping" here basically - I think she used those words once - without my stuff and without a long-term commitment.
If it was going to be short-term, she wanted to live here by herself and work on her writing. Well, sorry housemate, this is a two-bedroom house and the landlord is not going to choose to have it half-empty if someone is prepared to pay rent. And if she was unwilling to have me move in without my stuff, she could have said so. But she didn't. And here we are, and I'm not going to feel guilty or tip-toe around her. This is my house as much as hers right now. I will respect her stuff and her needs for the space of course.
To throw a further twist in things, two factors have changed with regard to our situation here: one, the landlord's wife accused him of carer abuse and he was actually arrested. I think he's out now but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what the "truth" of the situation is. In any case, he is now moving in by himself to the cottage that he also owns, next door to our house. Sooo, I guess that means potentially we could rent the house long-term now? I don't know if I want to, now that I've seen this kind of cold, closed-off side of my housemate. When I move in somewhere, with all my stuff, I want it to be long-term. The second factor, though, is that she said she will likely be moving to Hawaii in a few months to a year. At which time, maybe I could take over the house. That is tempting and could work out great with adopting.
Which brings me to another big piece of news to report, which is that I have been emailing with my ex, S, for the purposes of healing still-existing hurt from the past. We met yesterday and I had a HUGE grief outpouring about our Fourth of July Tahoe trip - you know the kind where the sobbing and wailing just pours out of you interspersed with words coming from your deepest feelings - and it did feel healing. S held a container for me around that, and it was really good.
We talked about other things, as well, like the work he's done around his anger issues, which he now fully acknowledges. He told me about that work and also shared his current awareness of the source of this anger (some of which I knew but it was more specific) from less than adequate parenting in his early childhood, as well as teen years with a jerk of a step-dad.
I can tell he is thinking about the possibility of us getting back together, but I am only thinking of healing and friendship. I will not ever again stay in a relationship that has so much fighting and criticism without the love. Five positives for every negative experience - that's what a relationship needs to thrive. That's what we all need and what I intend to have. It is interesting that he is in a temporary solo living situation for a few more weeks and needs to find a new place. It's just weird that I need a place right now, too. But I'm not going to let a coincidence determine my choices. For now, I'm really happy to have released so much stored-up grief yesterday and to feel the start of forgiveness.
*Update: My housemate and I talked yesterday and I was right about much of what I wrote above. Also, she shared about the financial stress she is under, which is almost causing panic attacks. Good news is that we worked out a couple compromises - I'll buy a few dishes and Zoey can stay in my room when housemate needs focused privacy. We will see how it goes. In other news, we had an earthquake last night, and I was awake for it! It wasn't as scary for me as past earthquakes for some reason - felt more like rolling than jolting - but we were further from the epicenter than my ex who lives in Oakl@nd.
Weeell, that is ending today. I pay the same amount of rent as she does. Yes, my furniture is in storage and I'm using "her stuff," but that was the agreement we made when we all talked about it and signed the lease with the landlord. She knew I was not going to take my furniture out of storage for just a month or two. I may go to target or even the dollar store and buy a few cups/bowls/dishes. I think that might help some, but overall I'm not going to stress about that.
What I realized yesterday is that she does not want me living here and is not happy about it, and that's just the way it is. She wanted to live with me IF we were both living here long-term and IF I was coming with all my stuff and furniture. She may have preferred, in a way, to live alone, but she was prepared for that scenario. What she did not want was what she got which was that the landlord said everything was uncertain because his wife had Parkinson's and they may move into the house in two or three months, thus everything about this situation has been tenuous. She did not want me "camping" here basically - I think she used those words once - without my stuff and without a long-term commitment.
If it was going to be short-term, she wanted to live here by herself and work on her writing. Well, sorry housemate, this is a two-bedroom house and the landlord is not going to choose to have it half-empty if someone is prepared to pay rent. And if she was unwilling to have me move in without my stuff, she could have said so. But she didn't. And here we are, and I'm not going to feel guilty or tip-toe around her. This is my house as much as hers right now. I will respect her stuff and her needs for the space of course.
To throw a further twist in things, two factors have changed with regard to our situation here: one, the landlord's wife accused him of carer abuse and he was actually arrested. I think he's out now but I'm not sure, and I'm not sure what the "truth" of the situation is. In any case, he is now moving in by himself to the cottage that he also owns, next door to our house. Sooo, I guess that means potentially we could rent the house long-term now? I don't know if I want to, now that I've seen this kind of cold, closed-off side of my housemate. When I move in somewhere, with all my stuff, I want it to be long-term. The second factor, though, is that she said she will likely be moving to Hawaii in a few months to a year. At which time, maybe I could take over the house. That is tempting and could work out great with adopting.
Which brings me to another big piece of news to report, which is that I have been emailing with my ex, S, for the purposes of healing still-existing hurt from the past. We met yesterday and I had a HUGE grief outpouring about our Fourth of July Tahoe trip - you know the kind where the sobbing and wailing just pours out of you interspersed with words coming from your deepest feelings - and it did feel healing. S held a container for me around that, and it was really good.
We talked about other things, as well, like the work he's done around his anger issues, which he now fully acknowledges. He told me about that work and also shared his current awareness of the source of this anger (some of which I knew but it was more specific) from less than adequate parenting in his early childhood, as well as teen years with a jerk of a step-dad.
I can tell he is thinking about the possibility of us getting back together, but I am only thinking of healing and friendship. I will not ever again stay in a relationship that has so much fighting and criticism without the love. Five positives for every negative experience - that's what a relationship needs to thrive. That's what we all need and what I intend to have. It is interesting that he is in a temporary solo living situation for a few more weeks and needs to find a new place. It's just weird that I need a place right now, too. But I'm not going to let a coincidence determine my choices. For now, I'm really happy to have released so much stored-up grief yesterday and to feel the start of forgiveness.
*Update: My housemate and I talked yesterday and I was right about much of what I wrote above. Also, she shared about the financial stress she is under, which is almost causing panic attacks. Good news is that we worked out a couple compromises - I'll buy a few dishes and Zoey can stay in my room when housemate needs focused privacy. We will see how it goes. In other news, we had an earthquake last night, and I was awake for it! It wasn't as scary for me as past earthquakes for some reason - felt more like rolling than jolting - but we were further from the epicenter than my ex who lives in Oakl@nd.
7/11/2015
Family Time in Tahoe: Wonderful and Awkward
It's been so long since I posted! In a way, I wanted to wait until something positive had happened on the housing front but nothing significant has happened yet. The 4th of July week was spent with family in Tahoe. We spread my Mom's ashes out on the lake and some off the dock at the house, where she loved to have coffee in the morning and sit out in the sun with my Dad. My Dad said some nice and loving words about Mom and broke down a bit. I tried to hug him and comfort him at one point, but he is not one to receive much comfort, at least from me. We all shed a few tears. For some reason, I felt very protective and loving towards the urn while it had her ashes. No one else seemed to really feel that, so I was the "bearer of the urn" and held it while the boat was going fast and bumping around. It did feel like more closure - for all of us I think.
Being with the older kids - J is seven now and E is five - was special and fun of course. They, especially J, had really planned out the 4th with lots of decorations and cards and brownies sprinkled with an American flag design. J had special outfits, and they all wore 4th of July pajamas, including little 4-month-old D, my brother's new daughter. Her older sister, V, is three now, and is much more fun to be around. She used to cry a lot and only want to be held by her mom and dad. Now she adores and plays with the older kids and is very brave and acrobatic, doing jumping somersaults on the big couch. One day, we went out and anchored the boat, then swam around, playing in the water and laying out in the sun. Fun! Another day, we drove over to a hotel across the lake and had lunch, then hung out on the beach for a few hours, sipping cocktails while up to our waists in cool water as the kids played and paddled little kayaks around us.
The sadder or more awkward parts of trip: realizing that I felt more of a sense of comfort and belonging with my family without my Mom there. :-( I feel grief and confusion about this. When my Mom was there, she often responded in prickly or sarcastic ways in the context of everyone being around (except with the kids), and I was generally aware of being a lower-class family member in her eyes; less deserving of respect and love than my two siblings who were her "real" kids. I know I have explored this topic before on this blog... I take responsibility for my part in rejecting her attempts to communicate with me when I was a teenager, and even pushing her away more passive-aggressively when I was younger, for reasons I don't fully understand but likely have to do with unresolved grief for my birth mother and that she "wasn't my real mom."
She was definitely much different than my birth mom in terms of emotional intelligence and expressing affection and love, as well as being playful - my birth mom was a teacher and loved kids, loved playing with kids and with me. Anyway, it must have been hard for her. And maybe this caused much of the unrelenting awkwardness and rift between us. I can say that when we were alone the last couple/few years, there were some really nice, comfortable times - caring for the kids, making food, catching up on stuff. I'm grateful for those times. But when we were with the whole family, this undercurrent of rejection that I perceived really hurt. Perhaps I was the proverbial "scapegoat" of the family, and she took out her unhappiness with my Dad on me, to some degree. I don't know. My Dad has anger about things that happened between he and I in the past, so they likely bonded over their disapproval at times. It's not a pretty thing to see or think about. In any case, this trip there was still the family culture of drinking, and my Dad was still generally focused within and difficult to talk with, but somehow, I felt more relaxed inside and comfortable in my own skin. I had a "place" in the family, equal to others.
That said, I talked to my Mom at times, expressing regret about how things were with us - that we weren't closer - and telling her I loved her and wished things had been different. Also, I felt more understanding and appreciation for how much she loved Tahoe and how much effort she put into making it a beautiful place (there are three houses there - the main house, the guest house, and the apartment over the garage - all comfortable and decorated beautifully). I felt deep sadness that she died too soon, with so much time left on the table in which she could have enjoyed the place. Life is not fair.
The last awkward part: all my immediate family except my Dad left Sunday, which I didn't know was the plan. I stayed until Tuesday, and my aunt (the one my Dad has "taken up with") and her son and his wife came on Monday to spend a week there. Over the weekend, my Dad was obviously thinking about her and texting her. And sometimes he wasn't present with our family because he was thinking of getting the place ready for them - making sure things were clean, talking about replacing the barbeque, etc. My sister said something at one point about him being present, which is unlike her, but I'm so glad she did. I need to tell her that. Anyway, then they came Monday and... it wasn't as awkward as I thought it might be. A little weird at times like when she's cooking dinner, like my Mom used to, and my Dad is sitting in his chair watching TV, as he used to. But we got along fine - she made an effort to be nice it seems - and my cousin and his wife drank a lot, but were comfortable to be around, too. I even surprised myself by thinking she and my Dad were kind of "cute" at times, like new couples are. Weird, I know. It helped that they weren't physically affectionate with one another in front of me.
So that's my Tahoe trip, the good, bad, and ugly. I'm in the July house-sitting situation now and so far, so good. It's "rugged" but not as rugged as where I was last month. I have my own studio room with half bath out back, which is great. Her neighbor is in the house but is gone a lot, as he lives nearby. We are sharing the eco-minded house and garden chores, as well as cat care. This cat is on his last legs for sure. I hope he makes it until she returns. :-/ I have some stuff to report about my last days at the guy's house but maybe later. Focusing now on house-hunting and simultaneously praying I get this job I applied for up North...
Being with the older kids - J is seven now and E is five - was special and fun of course. They, especially J, had really planned out the 4th with lots of decorations and cards and brownies sprinkled with an American flag design. J had special outfits, and they all wore 4th of July pajamas, including little 4-month-old D, my brother's new daughter. Her older sister, V, is three now, and is much more fun to be around. She used to cry a lot and only want to be held by her mom and dad. Now she adores and plays with the older kids and is very brave and acrobatic, doing jumping somersaults on the big couch. One day, we went out and anchored the boat, then swam around, playing in the water and laying out in the sun. Fun! Another day, we drove over to a hotel across the lake and had lunch, then hung out on the beach for a few hours, sipping cocktails while up to our waists in cool water as the kids played and paddled little kayaks around us.
The sadder or more awkward parts of trip: realizing that I felt more of a sense of comfort and belonging with my family without my Mom there. :-( I feel grief and confusion about this. When my Mom was there, she often responded in prickly or sarcastic ways in the context of everyone being around (except with the kids), and I was generally aware of being a lower-class family member in her eyes; less deserving of respect and love than my two siblings who were her "real" kids. I know I have explored this topic before on this blog... I take responsibility for my part in rejecting her attempts to communicate with me when I was a teenager, and even pushing her away more passive-aggressively when I was younger, for reasons I don't fully understand but likely have to do with unresolved grief for my birth mother and that she "wasn't my real mom."
She was definitely much different than my birth mom in terms of emotional intelligence and expressing affection and love, as well as being playful - my birth mom was a teacher and loved kids, loved playing with kids and with me. Anyway, it must have been hard for her. And maybe this caused much of the unrelenting awkwardness and rift between us. I can say that when we were alone the last couple/few years, there were some really nice, comfortable times - caring for the kids, making food, catching up on stuff. I'm grateful for those times. But when we were with the whole family, this undercurrent of rejection that I perceived really hurt. Perhaps I was the proverbial "scapegoat" of the family, and she took out her unhappiness with my Dad on me, to some degree. I don't know. My Dad has anger about things that happened between he and I in the past, so they likely bonded over their disapproval at times. It's not a pretty thing to see or think about. In any case, this trip there was still the family culture of drinking, and my Dad was still generally focused within and difficult to talk with, but somehow, I felt more relaxed inside and comfortable in my own skin. I had a "place" in the family, equal to others.
That said, I talked to my Mom at times, expressing regret about how things were with us - that we weren't closer - and telling her I loved her and wished things had been different. Also, I felt more understanding and appreciation for how much she loved Tahoe and how much effort she put into making it a beautiful place (there are three houses there - the main house, the guest house, and the apartment over the garage - all comfortable and decorated beautifully). I felt deep sadness that she died too soon, with so much time left on the table in which she could have enjoyed the place. Life is not fair.
The last awkward part: all my immediate family except my Dad left Sunday, which I didn't know was the plan. I stayed until Tuesday, and my aunt (the one my Dad has "taken up with") and her son and his wife came on Monday to spend a week there. Over the weekend, my Dad was obviously thinking about her and texting her. And sometimes he wasn't present with our family because he was thinking of getting the place ready for them - making sure things were clean, talking about replacing the barbeque, etc. My sister said something at one point about him being present, which is unlike her, but I'm so glad she did. I need to tell her that. Anyway, then they came Monday and... it wasn't as awkward as I thought it might be. A little weird at times like when she's cooking dinner, like my Mom used to, and my Dad is sitting in his chair watching TV, as he used to. But we got along fine - she made an effort to be nice it seems - and my cousin and his wife drank a lot, but were comfortable to be around, too. I even surprised myself by thinking she and my Dad were kind of "cute" at times, like new couples are. Weird, I know. It helped that they weren't physically affectionate with one another in front of me.
So that's my Tahoe trip, the good, bad, and ugly. I'm in the July house-sitting situation now and so far, so good. It's "rugged" but not as rugged as where I was last month. I have my own studio room with half bath out back, which is great. Her neighbor is in the house but is gone a lot, as he lives nearby. We are sharing the eco-minded house and garden chores, as well as cat care. This cat is on his last legs for sure. I hope he makes it until she returns. :-/ I have some stuff to report about my last days at the guy's house but maybe later. Focusing now on house-hunting and simultaneously praying I get this job I applied for up North...
4/05/2015
Happy Easter
Happy Easter to Everyone! For me, it's a pretty normal day because my family is all in Oregon. I am going to go get a pizza later this afternoon, so that will be my Easter fun. Seeing pictures of my nieces, nephew, and little cousin is fun, as well.
Looking forward to seeing them next week, though feeling somber about my mom's memorial. Went through some pictures today and sent them to my sister who is creating a nice slideshow. The show will be accompanied by songs that were special to my mom and dad. There will also be three songs sung live, and it looks like I will end up speaking and saying a poem. I wasn't sure I was going to, but now I'm feeling I should and want to, even though it will be hard. My dad, sister, and brother will also be speaking, and I think we will have some coffee and cookies afterwards so people can talk.
I was hoping my landlord would give some flexibility on my moveout date, due to my mom's passing and traveling to Oregon, but he left this kind of sh*tty voicemail (after I initially asked and he initially said no but then seemed to be considering it) saying - in an apologetic tone that didn't match what he was saying - that he needed me out by the 29th, and that he had been helping me and had given me "an extra 30 days." What? His "help" was giving me a sheet of local house listings that were way above my range and passing on a couple business referrals that never responded to my emails. I appreciate the referrals but I sent him the email template and he passed it on to them. And when he said "extra 30 days," I guess he was referring to the legal requirement to give me 30 days notice? This is countered by the fact that he initially said this would likely be a longer-term living situation, and that if anything changed, he would give me a few months notice.
The main thing is that I have been unexpectedly dealing with my mom's passing - it would have been very difficult to jump into house searching in the initial weeks of grieving, and traveling to Oregon takes further time away from what is a very difficult search in the Bay Area.
So that is my lament, but there is nothing I can do about it, so I am just sucking it up and going for it, doing the best I can to find a place. I applied for an affordable studio/one-bedroom I haven't heard back from yet and went to see two places yesterday. They both are okay/do-able except for Zoey. The first one is very rugged with lots of construction projects going on all around the house, and the yard is not enclosed. The second one was great, except her dog - a sheltie/collie mix - barked sharply at something outside for much of the time I was there and tried to nip me once when I was petting her. The woman said several times that her dog liked to have a "deputy to boss around." Well, I'm sorry, but I don't want Zoey "bossed around" all the time, and I don't think Zoey would take to that either.
So, the search continues... Thank God my good friend has offered a room for me to stay as a last resort, if needed, until I found a place. It's not ideal, since her nephew is currently staying there, as well, but I'm grateful to have a safety net. Tomorrow, I will schedule the moving container drop-off and pick-up and send an email about a packing party. sigh. I think I'll have a glass of wine with that pizza.
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