Care for Each Other's Humanity

Day 3, NaBloPoMo! "If you could be completely honest with no regrets, what would you say and to whom?"

Having gone through a lot of personal growth, including a 12-step program, I don't have a lot of burning emotional issues to express at this point, and I tend to be quite honest. Some would say too honest. I remember in my 20's talking to my Dad (and step-Mom who was my Mom along with my bio Mom - my Dad and step-Mom were always together) about feeling angry and wishing he would have handled my bio Mom's death better when I was a young child. He got rid of all her things and didn't have any of her pictures around. He married my step-Mom a little over a year after my bio Mom's death, and it seemed like he wanted to pretend she never existed. In any case, he said he wasn't going to build a shrine to her, and I said I didn't want a shrine but one picture would have been nice. I eventually got a lot of pictures from my grandparents. I don't regret confronting him with my feelings about that, but if I were to do it now, with two more decades of experience, I would have more compassion and care for him, at the same time asking him questions and sharing my feelings.

In this moment when I think about who I'd like to share some brutal honesty with, it would be a few men I was with sexually (either fooling around or sex) in college and the year or two after, who either took advantage of my being intoxicated or objectified me and treated me as less than a human being. I would like them to be required to listen to myself and other women they had treated badly share their stories and how this self-centered, insensitive bordering on cruel, treatment had made us feel and affected our lives. I didn't expect to share something that heavy, but that's what came up. I know a lot of women have some experiences like I did. I wish we had a better way in our society to guide and prepare young women, and men, to become independent adults and begin having adult relationships with others.

Family Time in Tahoe: Wonderful and Awkward

It's been so long since I posted!  In a way, I wanted to wait until something positive had happened on the housing front but nothing significant has happened yet.  The 4th of July week was spent with family in Tahoe.  We spread my Mom's ashes out on the lake and some off the dock at the house, where she loved to have coffee in the morning and sit out in the sun with my Dad.  My Dad said some nice and loving words about Mom and broke down a bit.  I tried to hug him and comfort him at one point, but he is not one to receive much comfort, at least from me.  We all shed a few tears.  For some reason, I felt very protective and loving towards the urn while it had her ashes.  No one else seemed to really feel that, so I was the "bearer of the urn" and held it while the boat was going fast and bumping around.  It did feel like more closure - for all of us I think.

Being with the older kids - J is seven now and E is five - was special and fun of course.  They, especially J, had really planned out the 4th with lots of decorations and cards and brownies sprinkled with an American flag design.  J had special outfits, and they all wore 4th of July pajamas, including little 4-month-old D, my brother's new daughter.  Her older sister, V, is three now, and is much more fun to be around.  She used to cry a lot and only want to be held by her mom and dad.  Now she adores and plays with the older kids and is very brave and acrobatic, doing jumping somersaults on the big couch.  One day, we went out and anchored the boat, then swam around, playing in the water and laying out in the sun.  Fun!  Another day, we drove over to a hotel across the lake and had lunch, then hung out on the beach for a few hours, sipping cocktails while up to our waists in cool water as the kids played and paddled little kayaks around us.

The sadder or more awkward parts of trip: realizing that I felt more of a sense of comfort and belonging with my family without my Mom there. :-( I feel grief and confusion about this.  When my Mom was there, she often responded in prickly or sarcastic ways in the context of everyone being around (except with the kids), and I was generally aware of being a lower-class family member in her eyes; less deserving of respect and love than my two siblings who were her "real" kids.  I  know I have explored this topic before on this blog... I take responsibility for my part in rejecting her attempts to communicate with me when I was a teenager, and even pushing her away more passive-aggressively when I was younger, for reasons I don't fully understand but likely have to do with unresolved grief for my birth mother and that she "wasn't my real mom."

She was definitely much different than my birth mom in terms of emotional intelligence and expressing affection and love, as well as being playful - my birth mom was a teacher and loved kids, loved playing with kids and with me.  Anyway, it must have been hard for her.  And maybe this caused much of the unrelenting awkwardness and rift between us.  I can say that when we were alone the last couple/few years, there were some really nice, comfortable times - caring for the kids, making food, catching up on stuff.  I'm grateful for those times.  But when we were with the whole family, this undercurrent of rejection that I perceived really hurt.  Perhaps I was the proverbial "scapegoat" of the family, and she took out her unhappiness with my Dad on me, to some degree.  I don't know.  My Dad has anger about things that happened between he and I in the past, so they likely bonded over their disapproval at times.  It's not a pretty thing to see or think about.  In any case, this trip there was still the family culture of drinking, and my Dad was still generally focused within and difficult to talk with, but somehow, I felt more relaxed inside and comfortable in my own skin.  I had a "place" in the family, equal to others.

That said, I talked to my Mom at times, expressing regret about how things were with us - that we weren't closer - and telling her I loved her and wished things had been different.  Also, I felt more understanding and appreciation for how much she loved Tahoe and how much effort she put into making it a beautiful place (there are three houses there - the main house, the guest house, and the apartment over the garage - all comfortable and decorated beautifully).  I felt deep sadness that she died too soon, with so much time left on the table in which she could have enjoyed the place.  Life is not fair.

The last awkward part: all my immediate family except my Dad left Sunday, which I didn't know was the plan.  I stayed until Tuesday, and my aunt (the one my Dad has "taken up with") and her son and his wife came on Monday to spend a week there.  Over the weekend, my Dad was obviously thinking about her and texting her.  And sometimes he wasn't present with our family because he was thinking of getting the place ready for them - making sure things were clean, talking about replacing the barbeque, etc.  My sister said something at one point about him being present, which is unlike her, but I'm so glad she did.  I need to tell her that.  Anyway, then they came Monday and... it wasn't as awkward as I thought it might be.  A little weird at times like when she's cooking dinner, like my Mom used to, and my Dad is sitting in his chair watching TV, as he used to.  But we got along fine - she made an effort to be nice it seems - and my cousin and his wife drank a lot, but were comfortable to be around, too.  I even surprised myself by thinking she and my Dad were kind of "cute" at times, like new couples are.  Weird, I know.  It helped that they weren't physically affectionate with one another in front of me.

So that's my Tahoe trip, the good, bad, and ugly.  I'm in the July house-sitting situation now and so far, so good.  It's "rugged" but not as rugged as where I was last month.  I have my own studio room with half bath out back, which is great.  Her neighbor is in the house but is gone a lot, as he lives nearby.  We are sharing the eco-minded house and garden chores, as well as cat care.  This cat is on his last legs for sure.  I hope he makes it until she returns. :-/  I have some stuff to report about my last days at the guy's house but maybe later.  Focusing now on house-hunting and simultaneously praying I get this job I applied for up North...

Pushing Through

I wish I could say I was "flowing gently through," but I feel I am pushing through this transition and staying afloat as best I can.  Which includes taking mild anti-anxiety medication for the first time in my life to get through this transition.  When I saw my doctor a couple weeks ago, I said truthfully that it felt like if one more thing happened or landed on my plate, I would topple over.  I'm not meaning to whine or act like a victim - I know that many people have gone through times of loss and change equal to and way bigger than the one I'm in, but my threshold of stress management was and has been reached.  I'm not depressed, just a lot of emotion and stress flooding my life and my body.

The main events of course are being told I had to move, then my mom passing away, then being told the move date would not be adjusted due to time lost grieving and traveling to Oregon, then the actual packing and moving into my friend's house.  Which has been a great and much-appreciated place to land but it's clear that her house is a bit over-capacity with me and Zoey and her nephew and herself all living here...I always thought she was an extrovert - and that's what she tested on the MBTI - but living with her, I now feel like she might be on the line or somewhat of an introvert.  Maybe losing her husband a year ago has taken a lot out of her so that she needs more time alone, which is understandable.

In any case, I talked with her about timing and it's clear I need to move within a month, maybe a month and a half.  And I was so clear and feeling so positive about finding a place that would allow me to adopt in the next few months to a year, but one of my avenues towards that just fell apart.  Basically, the guy I had been talking to, who had a psychology background and had expressed openness and even interest in living with a little one, admitted last night on the phone that he probably wasn't ready to partner on a lease for a house with me.  He recently moved back from Canada and is rebuilding, and renting a room is more his speed at this point.  Great, guy, glad you got clear, but now I'm sort of back at square one.  I had been finding a few 3-bedroom places that were in our rent range, but there are ZERO two-bedroom places in my rent range.

There is still this one option in Albany, living with a woman I met through my Transition Town work... the people currently in the house are suddenly packing up and moving to Europe but are not sure exactly when... maybe next month, but then often the landlord takes a month to turn the place over. :( It's out of my control.  I know if there were a specific move date in late June or possibly even July 1, I could hold out that long at my friend's house but not any longer.  The other avenue is continuing to look for a two-bedroom "suite" within a shared house, which I will go back to doing.  And re-post what I'm looking for on a couple of housing boards.  Late last night, I also found myself looking at jobs at the University of Oregon and the community college in Eugene.  Maybe feeling so "out there" and untethered makes me want to run home.

Well, enough venting and kvetching... I want to share a couple positive things that are also happening:

• My Career Transition Success Group is moving forward and will be posted on meetup on Friday.  I'm charging $247 for eight two-hour guided support sessions.  I hope to get at least 6-8 women signed up at our free workshop May 20th.  Please send good thoughts!

• Adoption classes are great!  On the one hand, one might think these would add to my load, but actually they are buoying me up and energizing me, because I'm moving toward a deeply-desired goal.

• I went on a third date with C, the guy I went dancing with a while back and was attracted to but then chose to focus on the other guy, S, who I ended up dating for a couple months.  Anyway, it was his birthday Saturday night, and we went to dinner and drinks and talked a lot and ended up making out in my car.  ha!  How old am I?  Anyway, it was fun.  He texted the next day, and I imagine I'll see him next weekend.  I wish he were a little more expressive - he can be hard to read - but he holds space well for sharing and for me expressing my feelings, which feels good.  And he's cute. :) He has long-ish (medium long) hair, which is unusual for me but it's nice hair - kind of blondish, thick, and wavy - and he mostly wears it pulled back, so I like it.  Now the facial hair could go or at least use some shaping/trimming but that's a minor thing that could likely be influenced later.  lol  He's very progressive and a labor leader for the local transportation system.  I have always said I need an intellectual lumberjack type, and he seems to fit that bill pretty well.  But it's early, so we will see.

That's it for now.  Today, I'm going to grade papers (two more weeks of the semester - yay), read books to prepare for my career workshop/class, and focus on finding housing.  And try to keep pushing through...

Oregon and Mom's Memorial Service

I don't have it in me right now to write a full post on Oregon and my mom's service, but wanted to share a few highlights:

• Cried freely and profusely when I first arrived at my Mom and Dad's house.  My dad was sleeping and I brought stuff in from the car wandered around the house looking at her stuff and weeping like a waterfall.  It surprised me how it just rose up and flowed out of me like that.  Happened again when I was alone in the house, packed up and readying to leave.
• Lots of family and friends came to my Mom's service.  She was a quilter and they were all there, plus her family from Nebraska, including a cousin and his wife who I hadn't seen in a decade or so.  People from my Dad's side of the family came, too, including his brother and wife, and two of my cousins who were like siblings to me growing up, since we were around the same age.  Lots of crying, and even my Dad cried.  I cried several times when my family was speaking - my Dad's talk was especially heart-aching and beautiful as he talked, through tears a couple times, about their life and his feelings about her - almost when I was speaking but I was able to carry on, and then during the moving slide show of her life.  Sweet and sad videos at the beginning of her grandkids singing to her and at the end of everyone singing to her at her last birthday in January.
• My sister's friends were there, and I have to say they were really helpful and stepped up to support my sister.  Very good friends.  We all went to my brother's that night and it was a bit odd to have drinks and social time but I had some good conversation with her friends and my cousin.
• After the eight-hour drive up there, my back gave out in a weird way it never had before - for several days, a few times a day, something in my lower back (but not the lowest, up a ways from tailbone) would slip or give and I would experience a lot of pain, a couple times falling to my knees.  I took a lot of Advil.  Just went to the doctor today and of course today and yesterday it was better and I didn't experience that slip/shift feeling.  She said she thought it was a severe back spasm; that if the disk had slipped, it wouldn't just be pain in the moment, it would continue on.  It's so strange though, because it really felt like something wasn't aligned and was slipping.  I'm sure stress and the long hours driving contributed to the situation.
• I got to hold my new baby niece, D, and oh my goodness, she is the sweetest little bug ever!  Really tiny of course, at only one month, and a really mellow baby.  When you hold her, she snuggles into you, and when she falls asleep, she gets heavier.  I'm sure many of you know what I mean.  It's just the loveliest feeling.  I got to see my niece and nephew, J and E play in soccer and baseball games, too, that was pretty fun.  Thank God J is kicking the ball this year; last year, bless her heart, she simply refused to have anything to do with putting her foot on the ball.  She's not super competitive trying to take the ball or anything, but when it's right in front of her or it comes to her, she will kick it.  Yay J!  And E, oh man is he a little athlete, much to his parents delight.  I'm not biased (well not much) in saying that he had considerably better ball-handling skills than anyone else on the field.  He had to hold back sometimes so as not to dominate the whole thing.  I'm sure his parents have been playing with him a lot at home (I may have mentioned my sister and her husband played sports all their lives and were college athletes).  J and I had a nice coloring and giggling session one night, too.
• Since I was staying at my parent's house, I had the opportunity to hang out with Dad a few times, which was nice - mainly just watching tv together and eating a couple take out meals, talking about family or the service.  It was funny how much Zoey loved him and would go crazy trying to jump on this lap and lick him.  Stuff I'm trying to train her not to do, of course, but she just got so excited to get attention from him, it was pretty cute.  Dad is not emotionally expressive and shut down once or twice when I asked him direct feeling-related questions.  He's smoking some and not eating well.  He said that the week following the service maybe he would start getting and cooking some simple, healthier groceries.  I hope so.
• Okay, one kind of disturbing aspect to the trip that I almost hesitate to bring up because it's embarrassing and confusing, is that my Dad and my aunt (my mom's sister) were flirting.  Now, maybe this is some crazy rebound coping mechanism, especially since my Dad doesn't process emotions well.  Maybe it's a way to connect with Mom, since her sister and her were close and look and act alike in many ways.  Regardless, it seemed WAY TOO SOON and was unsettling to say the least.  But Dad has been so devastated that in a way you just want him to be happy.  My brother's wife, who is known for saying inappropriate things for shock value, said something about it at their house the night after the service.  She basically brought it up to my aunt's kids (and I was at the table too) like it was a good idea.  I just shook my head and said her name in a kind of warning tone and "too soon."  I told my sister and brother-in-law later, and they thought it was really out of line.  But then after that, I noticed that my Dad was flirting with her.  And I think I heard him say something about coming out to visit her in Nebraska.  Not sure what else to say about that other than - yuck.  And it's his life.  And time will tell if it's just a bizarre coping mechanism or what.

Now, I'm back, and finishing out the last weeks of the semester at my college as I prepare to pack up my stuff in storage containers the end of next week.  I actually haven't started packing at all, but I have packing help arranged for next weekend and have scheduled those storage "pods" to be delivered and picked up.  I need to get some boxes this weekend, as I continue to research and look at possible places.  One potentially exciting possibility is living with a woman I met on a F@cebook "conscious housing" page, with whom I share a common friend.  She and her boyfriend are expecting, and I told her about my hopes for adoption.  She's amenable to finding a place together and possibly sharing some meals and childcare, etc.  Looking around, the most we would likely get is three-bedroom, so the kids would have to share eventually or something if it were long-term.  Not sure how that would work out.  Anyway, I'm excited about the idea and of possibly not needing to move again in a few months to a year.  We are seeing a place tomorrow morning, so wish us luck. 

If I can't find a place, I have confirmed with my friend, E, that I can stay with her, even though I think I might be sleeping on a couch - yikes.  Her house is very nice, though, and we are good friends which would make things easier.  It would be a better situation if her nephew weren't also living there.  In any case, it's good to have a safety net to leave my stuff in storage for a few weeks/month if I needed a little more time to find a place.

Building my business has unfortunately but necessarily gone on the back burner.  I hope to be able to spend a few hours this weekend but also need to grade a bunch of papers and do some planning.  With everything going on with my mom passing and her service, and difficult finances, and moving, and my landlord being rude and unkind, I have that feeling of overwhelm, like I can't handle it all and if one more little thing happens, I'll collapse.  I did have a good cry today to my friend and former housemate, K, which was very helpful.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter to Everyone!  For me, it's a pretty normal day because my family is all in Oregon.  I am going to go get a pizza later this afternoon, so that will be my Easter fun.  Seeing pictures of my nieces, nephew, and little cousin is fun, as well. 

Looking forward to seeing them next week, though feeling somber about my mom's memorial.  Went through some pictures today and sent them to my sister who is creating a nice slideshow.  The show will be accompanied by songs that were special to my mom and dad.  There will also be three songs sung live, and it looks like I will end up speaking and saying a poem.  I wasn't sure I was going to, but now I'm feeling I should and want to, even though it will be hard.  My dad, sister, and brother will also be speaking, and I think we will have some coffee and cookies afterwards so people can talk. 

I was hoping my landlord would give some flexibility on my moveout date, due to my mom's passing and traveling to Oregon, but he left this kind of sh*tty voicemail (after I initially asked and he initially said no but then seemed to be considering it) saying - in an apologetic tone that didn't match what he was saying - that he needed me out by the 29th, and that he had been helping me and had given me "an extra 30 days."  What?  His "help" was giving me a sheet of local house listings that were way above my range and passing on a couple business referrals that never responded to my emails.  I appreciate the referrals but I sent him the email template and he passed it on to them.  And when he said "extra 30 days," I guess he was referring to the legal requirement to give me 30 days notice?  This is countered by the fact that he initially said this would likely be a longer-term living situation, and that if anything changed, he would give me a few months notice. 

The main thing is that I have been unexpectedly dealing with my mom's passing - it would have been very difficult to jump into house searching in the initial weeks of grieving, and traveling to Oregon takes further time away from what is a very difficult search in the Bay Area. 

So that is my lament, but there is nothing I can do about it, so I am just sucking it up and going for it, doing the best I can to find a place.  I applied for an affordable studio/one-bedroom I haven't heard back from yet and went to see two places yesterday.  They both are okay/do-able except for Zoey.  The first one is very rugged with lots of construction projects going on all around the house, and the yard is not enclosed.  The second one was great, except her dog - a sheltie/collie mix - barked sharply at something outside for much of the time I was there and tried to nip me once when I was petting her.  The woman said several times that her dog liked to have a "deputy to boss around."  Well, I'm sorry, but I don't want Zoey "bossed around" all the time, and I don't think Zoey would take to that either. 

So, the search continues... Thank God my good friend has offered a room for me to stay as a last resort, if needed, until I found a place.  It's not ideal, since her nephew is currently staying there, as well, but I'm grateful to have a safety net.  Tomorrow, I will schedule the moving container drop-off and pick-up and send an email about a packing party.  sigh.  I think I'll have a glass of wine with that pizza.

Quick Check-In

I'm doing pretty well, following my mom's passing.  I have cried several times, as I remember things she said or that we did together; gifts she gave me or just things she enjoyed.  Life is not fair in that she was taken away from grandkids who loved her, especially the oldest, J, had a sweet connection with her and I'm so sad for that loss.  I will be going up to Oregon again in a couple weeks for my mom's service on the 10th. 

But life continues on here in California, and I have been able to work and teach and mostly continue with my activities.  I had my second big client attraction (business coaching) program weekend last weekend and had some good insights around how my own blocks and perceptions around money and success are getting in the way of encouraging clients to make an investment in working with me.  I realized that part of me still believed in a "Fairy Tale" that prince charming or someone would come and rescue me and lift me up into the life I was meant to be living.  Or something like that.  So, I am trying to shift my perspective to knowing that "I" am the Hero of my own story and "I" need to fiercely pursue my goals and dreams and basically save myself.  It's a process.

Also, I have decided to not say that I will help my clients transition into well-paying work until I am a bit farther down that path myself.  I AM completely confident in my ability to hold space for exploration, ask powerful questions and provide powerful assessments and tools for my clients to focus on their purpose and passions and to connect these with a unique, meaningful career path in the world.  I can help with job search/resume stuff, of course, as well.  But until I'm a step further down the road, I don't think I will include "transition to a well-pay career."  I want to share all the business tools I'm learning in my program, but it's only been two months, so perhaps in a few months I can add some business/entrepreneurial focus as well - something I'm also interested in.

Next week is Spring break and I'm looking forward to some extra time to devote to my business and to figuring out my next steps with housing.  I am thinking of looking for a temporary living situation that would allow me to save some money and give me time to look for a great situation that would support my adoption goals.  Possibly living with a friend or in a small, inexpensive place, and putting most of my furniture in storage. 

That's it for now... oh, also, not sure if I shared that SB and I are done?  I might have shared that, but I feel okay about that.  I really liked him but I've come to the conclusion I need to date someone who is and "F" or Feeling personality type so that we share a desire to go deep emotionally and with ideas.  For SB, this was hard and uncomfortable.

I Love You, Mom, Rest in Peace

My Mom passed away on Tuesday early morning.  Didn't go to work that day after I got the tearful call from my brother and, after picking up some groceries, spent most of the day at home, hibernating and processing.

Went in to work Wednesday, which was pretty tough, but okay.  Was planning to go in yesterday, then my car broke down, and I had to take it into the shop for a repair.  My air conditioner will have to be non-functional for now (versus a $900 replacement), but it's running well.

SB was helpful and comforting on Tuesday night.  We are still seeing each other, and the other guy has gone by the wayside.  He was too unavailable and unresponsive.

Anyway, I'm making it through okay - it's so strange how you can see evidence of how alive they were not long ago, like in texts and on Facebook, but now they are gone and that's hard to reconcile.   But would appreciate your prayers and thoughts for my family, especially my Dad.  They were married for almost 40 years.