Surreal

Thought I’d write a quick post to check in in these surreal and anxiety-provoking times. Hope you and your loved ones are safe. We are doing okay, though I do feel nervous about RC working at the airport and being in Chicago right now at a training. Really? Right now?

I’m starting to feel more like “hunkering down,” so I’m glad he gets home tonight and doesn’t have to work tomorrow. I have a couple of career counseling clients right now, but not too much on my plate outside of caring for Ellie.

I walked to the pharmacy and grocery store yesterday, and it was eerie how few people and cars were there compared to normal. More than I expected at TJs, actually, but I guess people are still in “stocking up” mode. There was definitely tension in the air.

Then, I made the mistake of reading an article about the statistics that apparently caused Trump and others to get on the same, more extreme, shut-down page. Without extreme measures, the consequences become much more extreme. Yikes.

Anyway, personally, we are doing okay at the moment, though definitely worried about business folks and elders in the family, as well as folks trying to navigate kids being out of school. How about you?

Victoria BC plus Pregnancy Update #3

We are in Victoria on our honeymoon. It's been lovely and fun, but this morning we had an argument. I can get frustrated with his lack of response and not articulating how he's feeling or what he's thinking. This leaves me feeling frustrated, confused, and I can assume (which I guess I shouldn't) that he disagrees or has a negative judgment about what I have been saying.

Last night we were talking about massage options. We were both looking forward to getting a massage yesterday afternoon and had done the research to find a place to go, but when we called, they said they were booked up until next Tuesday (we leave Monday). So last night, I was looking at an alternative place that was a bit more money, like $10 - $15 more per person, and he stated the amount that both massages would come to, as though it were prohibitive. I responded that it wasn't much more than the other place, but I also looked up less expensive massage in Oregon, which we could get as soon as we get back as sort of a compromise and mediation to the disappointment of not getting one here. But he basically went internal and ceased engaging or responding to the conversation. Argh!

So, I said I was cranky and was going to bed. This morning, I tried to talk to him about it, and I thought the conversation was going okay, but then he didn't respond to something, and I said, "Huh?!", and he said he did respond and accused me of snapping. It escalated from there and was just really stupid.

Ummm, I am pregnant, dude! I wish he could just remember that I am more sensitive right now and not at my best. I refuse to talk to him if he's going to be angry and just vent at me and criticize me. I offered to do a check-in with him (something we have done often to talk through more difficult or intense issues because it slows things down and requires you listen and reflect what your partner says), and he refused. So we are still at an impasse.

The ironic thing is that yesterday was one of our best and most fun/romantic days together. Every day has been fun, but yesterday, we took a long walk outdoors in Beacon Park, petted the goats, enjoyed the peacocks and the lovely views, then went to an English tea at a nearby Inn and Teahouse. Great and connected conversation and yummy sandwiches/scones/treats and tea. After my daily meditation and nap, we had a relaxed dinner at a nearby pub and were flirting and joking around on the way back. A fabulous day! Until the end. Ah well.

I feel sad and disappointed the day ended not so great, and we had the conflict this morning. I hope we can both calm down and re-connect soon, as we are booked on a bus trip to Butchart Gardens at 11:30am.

p.s. I'm 9 weeks pregnant today! My lower back ache/pain kicked in a couple days ago. Anyone else experience this, if you've been pregnant? I have to stop periodically and squat/stretch when we are out walking. Still having food aversions/limited food choices. Boobs have been quite sore, and I can see veins in chest now.

Despite signs, I still have worries and am definitely wanting more reassurance that Pudge is in there and moving around and growing like the pregnancy apps say he/she is. Our next ultrasound is scheduled for April 1st with Maternal/Fetal Medicine. Our Sneak Peak gender reveal blood test has arrived at our house in Oregon, so guess what will be the first thing I do when we get home? Yep, poke my finger and send that package in. It's supposed to come back within 72 hours.

Untethered

I was feeling sort of untethered today... some uneasiness and anxiety and a sense of being "out there" but not really sure why. Often, if these feelings start to come up, I'll try to think of something to do that sounds engaging and pleasurable to connect to something and feel safe and comfortable again.

But today, I consciously chose not to scramble around for an activity right away and hung out with the feelings. There was just this floaty feeling of space and disconnection, and not in a relaxing way... more a feeling of things not being right but not knowing what I should do or where I should go to make it better.

I stood there for a while. I walked around the house. I asked myself, why might I be feeling this way? Two pretty good reasons did come up: the first was an exchange with S about when we would talk in which he wanted to talk Monday, and I wanted to talk today. Very familiar feeling of being pushed away and not wanted, and it's annoying feeling hurt even though we're no longer in a relationship. They call it avoidance in attachment theory, and it's no fun being on the receiving end.

The other reason is that I'm currently financially stretched. Two checks should have come through that haven't yet. I think it's probably normal to feel anxiety in this scenario. I don't like to feel anxiety about things I don't feel I have the control to change, but sometimes one of those things is feeling anxiety. lol 

I did end up working out, taking the dog on a walk, and getting a little bit of work done (while watching a pretty good movie, The Dark Horse). I'm oddly looking forward to Monday and throwing myself into work.

NaBloPoMo 2016: How do I make a bad day better?

I have a lot going on in my life right now, so I thought it would be good timing to take on the NaBloPoMo challenge. Anyone want to join me? Hop on the band wagon and register by November 5th.

I'm thinking some days I will use the writing prompts and other days not... today's is: "When you're having a bad day with your mental health, what do you do to help yourself?"

Today is actually a great example... I'm a Career Counselor, and one of my new clients flipped out on me this afternoon on the phone and really shook me up. I was already feeling anxious and concerned about this client because they had been very closed up and critical in their first session, not giving me much to work with. Then they wrote an email saying they wanted to cancel their session this week and wanted flexibility in scheduling the timing of their sessions going forward.

This isn't my policy and doesn't work for me. I don't think I'm unreasonable. Sessions are scheduled twice a month, and I give an extra month cushion to complete them. I find this beneficial for the client in terms of commitment, continuity, and momentum, and for myself in terms of more predictable business planning and because I offer email coaching, resources, and document review between sessions - a lot of extra time if they just wanted to meet every few weeks. Maybe, to be more clear, I should sell two, three, or four-month counseling packages, versus four, six, and eight-session packages? I have colleagues that do this and am considering it, especially after this experience.

In any case, in explaining these reasons for not just having complete openness and flexibility in when we meet, when I mentioned my own needs being a factor, as well, they flipped into rage on a dime and yelled, "Oh, come ON! That is reDICulous!" I asked them to speak in a calm voice and they kept yelling angrily. Long story short, we got off the phone after I agreed with them that we are likely not a good fit to work together (I do not want to work with them after this experience) and with me offering to trade the last session they were owed for resume review/editing for which we do not have to speak, and asking them to let me know in the next couple of days.

When I got off the phone, my heart was racing, and I felt afraid and kind of sick. It was so out of blue, and I have never experienced this type of intense reaction from a client (at least an adult client). I felt I needed some emotional support, so I went through the options in my head... my siblings were at work and likely not available, my housemate wasn't home, I could have called a couple of friends but hadn't talked to them in a little while so calling for support would feel a bit abrupt. Then, I thought of sharing my feelings and experience with my online FB group, made up of other women bloggers I've known for quite a few years. We were all ttc'ing together and they all have kids now. I hope to join them soon.

My experience of the group is that people are quite responsive. Many of us don't work typical 9-5 schedules and usually at least a few folks are online. Sure enough, within a few minutes, I received a few sympathetic and understanding responses, which felt great, as well as advice. Everyone felt I should just refund them the money for the last session and be done with them. I guess they are probably right, though it doesn't fit my policy and I don't think they "deserve" it. But maybe it's best to cut my losses and move on.

So, that's the way I handled my "bad day with my mental health" today; with help from online friends. On other days, I admit I might lose myself in television or eat some comfort food, but today I had to go meet with another client not long afterwards. Other days, I go work out or play with the dog. Blogging is also actually one of my primary ways of working through difficult emotions and challenges. It's helpful to talk it through, be witnessed, and to hear others' thoughts. I like reading these kind of personal writing/processing blogs, as well. Maybe it's the psychologist in me... and I've always been a more emotional person. I'm an INFP on the Myers-Briggs, if you're familiar with it? NFs tend to be more relationship and feeling-oriented.

Thanks for coming along with me this month! See you tomorrow...

Cliff Hanger

If my life was a show, it would be cliffhanger... I'm about to go meet with a woman who is open to living with an infant/child to see how we get along.  If it were a good match, then I would need to apply with the landlord, have the credit check done, etc.  If for whatever reason, we are not a match, then I may stay with another friend for two weeks OR hit the road and travel for a couple weeks.

The friend I am staying with now has been crystal clear that for her own reasons - which include wanting to get her own dog which relates to her taking a year-long road trip next year which relates to her coping and moving on from the loss of her beloved husband, and just being done with sharing her space in a cramped way with me and the nephew that lives here, which I understand but wish she could tolerate another week or two - she needs me to leave by Monday.

I'm not sure which decision above I prefer or which one is best for me.  There are pros and cons of both.  It would be great to see my family and see friends down on the Central Coast, but I would need to miss work which means losing money.  And because my job is so important to me, I don't want to jeopardize it in anyway.  I'm pretty sure I could find another Counselor to cover for the few summer shifts I would miss, but I would feel flaky.  Staying with the friend would allow me to work, but to be honest the friend is someone I have dated - we are not dating now - and I still have feelings for him.  Things have the potential to get a little bit messy, but don't necessarily have to with the right emotional boundaries.  Sooo, today is a big day, and by the end of it, I will know my fate for the next couple weeks. 

Oh, and please think good thoughts for me to find a place - the one I see today or another one - by July so I don't have to stay (or don't have to stay long) in the flea-ridden, dirty house that is my house sitting alternative for July.  I just saw it last week and was pretty disgusted.  This is a friend who is very "earthy," but I don't know how she lives that way.  I would need to get it cleaned beforehand or right away.  Poor Zoey had to have a flea treatment a few days ago after just spending an hour there. :(  I have looked for other house sitting or subletting alternatives, of course, and inquired about a couple of them, but nothing has worked out yet.  Most subletting options demand the equivalent of full rent, which would prevent me from saving more money for my down payment.

One bit of happy news, as I feel much of this is negative!  I know two fraudulent items have cleared or will be cleared very soon from my credit report, and one was the charged off C@pital 1 credit card, which was one of the worst.  I stayed on the phone with them for over a half hour the other day, but it was worth it!  Yay!

I don't think he's that into me

I'm going a little crazy over here.  I've never been very good at game playing or, more accurately, "playing it cool."  When C and I went out the other night (and the couple of other nights as well) it seemed like he liked me.  He was affectionate and initiated kissing.  We had all that fairly deep conversation at the bar.  But then we separate and I get very very little positive reassurance.  We texted a little last night at my initiation.  Then tonight he texts at like 9:30 and says this week will be long days for him.  Fine, thanks for letting me know.  I ask if it's because of this campaign he's working on and he said yes, that and other things like a meeting tomorrow, etc., and he asked how I was doing.  I said okay, but a little sad and I had just gotten back from my adoption class.  He asked about the sadness - whether it was a mix of thoughts and feelings, so (and this may be the part where I didn't "play the game" right) I said it might be hormonal ha, and because of the ongoing transition, and because of the feeling of intimacy between us and then separation.  I was being real.  That's the truth... I kind of miss him and think of him and when you are close with someone as far as making out, I don't think it's strange to feel some connection/attachment.  But apparently I'm not supposed to admit that or something.  I don't know because his next text *completely* ignored that part of what I had said.  He basically said sorry, and he hopes I feel better or some stupid-a$$ thing like that.  Clearly, I'm a little vulnerable and sad feeling and it's converting to anger.  Anyway, fine, so he's not that into me - maybe a little into me but seemingly not a lot.  So what do I do?  Just try and forget about him?  Ugh.  Stupid dating.

Pushing Through

I wish I could say I was "flowing gently through," but I feel I am pushing through this transition and staying afloat as best I can.  Which includes taking mild anti-anxiety medication for the first time in my life to get through this transition.  When I saw my doctor a couple weeks ago, I said truthfully that it felt like if one more thing happened or landed on my plate, I would topple over.  I'm not meaning to whine or act like a victim - I know that many people have gone through times of loss and change equal to and way bigger than the one I'm in, but my threshold of stress management was and has been reached.  I'm not depressed, just a lot of emotion and stress flooding my life and my body.

The main events of course are being told I had to move, then my mom passing away, then being told the move date would not be adjusted due to time lost grieving and traveling to Oregon, then the actual packing and moving into my friend's house.  Which has been a great and much-appreciated place to land but it's clear that her house is a bit over-capacity with me and Zoey and her nephew and herself all living here...I always thought she was an extrovert - and that's what she tested on the MBTI - but living with her, I now feel like she might be on the line or somewhat of an introvert.  Maybe losing her husband a year ago has taken a lot out of her so that she needs more time alone, which is understandable.

In any case, I talked with her about timing and it's clear I need to move within a month, maybe a month and a half.  And I was so clear and feeling so positive about finding a place that would allow me to adopt in the next few months to a year, but one of my avenues towards that just fell apart.  Basically, the guy I had been talking to, who had a psychology background and had expressed openness and even interest in living with a little one, admitted last night on the phone that he probably wasn't ready to partner on a lease for a house with me.  He recently moved back from Canada and is rebuilding, and renting a room is more his speed at this point.  Great, guy, glad you got clear, but now I'm sort of back at square one.  I had been finding a few 3-bedroom places that were in our rent range, but there are ZERO two-bedroom places in my rent range.

There is still this one option in Albany, living with a woman I met through my Transition Town work... the people currently in the house are suddenly packing up and moving to Europe but are not sure exactly when... maybe next month, but then often the landlord takes a month to turn the place over. :( It's out of my control.  I know if there were a specific move date in late June or possibly even July 1, I could hold out that long at my friend's house but not any longer.  The other avenue is continuing to look for a two-bedroom "suite" within a shared house, which I will go back to doing.  And re-post what I'm looking for on a couple of housing boards.  Late last night, I also found myself looking at jobs at the University of Oregon and the community college in Eugene.  Maybe feeling so "out there" and untethered makes me want to run home.

Well, enough venting and kvetching... I want to share a couple positive things that are also happening:

• My Career Transition Success Group is moving forward and will be posted on meetup on Friday.  I'm charging $247 for eight two-hour guided support sessions.  I hope to get at least 6-8 women signed up at our free workshop May 20th.  Please send good thoughts!

• Adoption classes are great!  On the one hand, one might think these would add to my load, but actually they are buoying me up and energizing me, because I'm moving toward a deeply-desired goal.

• I went on a third date with C, the guy I went dancing with a while back and was attracted to but then chose to focus on the other guy, S, who I ended up dating for a couple months.  Anyway, it was his birthday Saturday night, and we went to dinner and drinks and talked a lot and ended up making out in my car.  ha!  How old am I?  Anyway, it was fun.  He texted the next day, and I imagine I'll see him next weekend.  I wish he were a little more expressive - he can be hard to read - but he holds space well for sharing and for me expressing my feelings, which feels good.  And he's cute. :) He has long-ish (medium long) hair, which is unusual for me but it's nice hair - kind of blondish, thick, and wavy - and he mostly wears it pulled back, so I like it.  Now the facial hair could go or at least use some shaping/trimming but that's a minor thing that could likely be influenced later.  lol  He's very progressive and a labor leader for the local transportation system.  I have always said I need an intellectual lumberjack type, and he seems to fit that bill pretty well.  But it's early, so we will see.

That's it for now.  Today, I'm going to grade papers (two more weeks of the semester - yay), read books to prepare for my career workshop/class, and focus on finding housing.  And try to keep pushing through...

Transition Time

Sorry for the downer posts lately... it's a "transition time" for me, as they say.  Moving for me right now seems to be a big deal.  On multiple levels, it means my life is shifting and changing, and much of the landscape where I will end up is unknown.

As an introvert, my home is my refuge.  I need to have a safe and private place to recharge and relax.  I don't know if I can find that with the friend with whom I was recently looking for housing.  She is a kind and good person, but also an extravert and seems to "spin out" with anxiety and frenetic talking regularly.  I am somewhat of an anxious person myself, and I think this might interfere with me finding the calm relaxation I need at home.

As an aside: the two places I mentioned before were a big disappointment.  The "urban treehouse" was rundown and dark and the backyard would be a hazard for the dog, in addition to me and the owner and potential housemate not clicking well.  With regard to the other one in Alb@ny, the woman was a semi-hoarder and the place had piles everywhere, was not clean, and had a large, albeit nice, dog lying all over the furniture. :(

I'm going to two open-houses tomorrow; one would involve living with three other people, and the other, seven people.  Even three other people feels like a stretch.  Ideally, I would like to live with one or maybe two other people.  But I don't have all the time in the world to find a place.  "All the time in the world" meaning more than two weeks!  And my girl, Zoey, adds to the challenge of finding a place, as apartment living without a yard would be a much lower quality of life for her.

There is the option of living with my friend for a month, which I may do but would mean more chaos and stress in terms of transitioning.  Better to do that though, I think, than move into a place that doesn't feel good enough to live in long term.  I do NOT want to end up needing to move again in a few months - been there, done that, when I talked myself into a situation that didn't feel right in the past.

So, I'm trying to hang in there and continue to take it one step at a time, having faith that something will fall into place.  I also notice that my maximum rent level seems to be inching up two or three hundred dollars, as most places I'm seeing that sound great are in a higher range.  I may regret not standing firm in my upper limit, but then again, it may push me to earn more money - maybe get my career counseling business going.

The other major change is in terms of social structure.  As I said, I have met a lot of my needs for connection and meaningful conversation through time over meals with my housemate.  That's all of a sudden gone now, and I guess I'm hoping that my next living situation will include someone with whom I feel comfortable and can have these kinds of conversations.

Meanwhile, I'm binge-watching "Or@nge is the New Bl@ck," which is sooo good.  And so distracting.  Right now, I MUST begin working on my syllabus for the class that starts next week.  So. hard. to. motivate.

Part of my stuck-ness is emotion around my mom's illness, as well.  My brother delivered bad news a few days ago that the cancer is now confirmed in her lungs, much lowering hope of recovery.  This punctured the bubble of hope I was maintaining.  I have cried once, but a kind of heavy sadness seems to be hanging over me.  I don't know what I should do, if anything.  They live too far away to help in practical ways.  I need to call but am kind of dreading that, as it will make it more real.  The whole situation bring up a lot of existential questioning for me, which doesn't seem very productive.

Thanks for listening.  Hopefully, my next post will bring better news and a new outlook.

I am c-r-a-b-b-y

I am crabby and irritable right now.  My fuse is shorter than usual.  I always have a little grump in my nature that can come out when I am over-extended or experiencing anxiety.  But then, at certain times, I'm more reactive and feel more intense anger when things don't go my way or I feel stuck or unfairly treated.  I am aware that my cycle is due to start soon, so I'm sure that's part of it.

This morning, I had zero tolerance for an idiot I was messaging with on a dating site.  He wasn't listening to my responses - was being self-absorbed - and then went off on me when I had to get off chat abruptly to answer a phone call.  Just before I got off the chat, I had expressed confusion and mirrored back what I was hearing - that I guessed he wasn't open to adoption or I-V-F.

I should explain how the conversation went down:  After asking me about my hopes for becoming a mother and hearing my answer that it was unlikely I would conceive naturally (without intervention) but might become a parent through the previously-mentioned avenues, he said he regretted not becoming a parent.  I asked him why couldn't he now?  And he said well, he did think he'd have enough energy (he was around 50), but he would need to date women the age of a daughter.  So I, logically I think, questioned him about not being open to what I had mentioned.  Then I got a call about a possible housing opportunity and told him I needed to leave chat and take it.

When I got back on the site, he had written me a vitriolic email about how rude and high maintenance I was and how could I be a counselor and of course he was open to these things.  What?  Right after I had suggested them he acted as though the opportunity had passed him by and that he would need to date someone much younger to become a parent.

What's funny is he said in his profile he wanted someone who was "baggage free."  I am no longer going to correspond with guys that say that because inevitably it ends up that they have the most difficult baggage of all.  As I should know by now, the hardest issues to deal with are those that are unconscious.  When people say they have no baggage, you can bet they have as much "baggage" or wounds/issues as any of us, but they haven't figured out what they are and therefore don't moderate them or take responsibility for the outburst that happens when one of these issues gets triggered.

He was very uncool, but I recognize I was irritable from the start.  I am definitely hormonal but also could use some TLC like sitting quietly in nature and doing some drawing or art.  I'm stressed about moving and STILL not having found a place (following some new leads), and I'm lonely too.  Zoey helps but some human companionship would be nice.  My housemate is on his honeymoon for another couple weeks.  It's crazy that shortly after he gets back, everything is going to change.  We will never live together again, and we will never have the conversations over meals on a regular basis like we did for so long.  It's like three years of this and then "poof!" it's over.  Very strange.

To end on a positive note, I have been working out at the Y doing cardio and Zumba classes the past couple of weeks.  I'm so happy to have found the motivation for this!  It feels sooo good and my body feels different already.  I think it will give me greater confidence with dating, even though I do know that there are men out there that would love me just as I am.  Maybe, as mentioned in this post, I will even get to change my description from "average" to "athletic" some time in the future.  :-)

Bad Attitude

Bad Attitude.  That's me right now.  Santa might be skipping my house if this keeps up...

I have my monthly leadership training time this weekend (Saturday morning through Sunday evening).  I'm not looking forward to it, for some reason, though I am pretty sure it will feel good once I get there.  I just feel kind of sad right now, likely due to my break-up, and it feels vulnerable to be in a group of 25-30 people when you feel that way, at least it feels that way to me.  A lovely woman from the group who I've Skyped with a couple of times since our last gathering pointed out that there will be a lot of support from the group available.  That's a good way to look at it, but somehow it's not helping right now. 

Also, I just found out this morning that the administrators at my college are offering considerably less hours to us next semester as CTE counselors.  This is not what was originally communicated.  We were told there would be assignments that we would bid on and that we may not end up with the ones we have now.  We were NOT told there would be a lot less cumulative hours to choose from. 

We have known for a while that under the current administration (our Dean retired over the summer), we were less valued on the campus.  A lot of innuendo and rumors have been flying around.  But, again, it was more about changes, not being cut to just a few hours a week or possibly none at all!  I am both angry and scared at the same time. 

I know there is one full-time counseling position soon to be announced in general counseling, which I will apply for, but I'm imagining there are a lot of people who will apply for that.  I have a good relationship with other general counselors but not a close relationship. 

Part of the problem is that we were located in a completely different part of campus than the rest of counseling and student services.  It was near the Workforce Development office but it kept us somewhat isolated - a definite disadvantage now.  I want to call up our Vice President (she's been our interim supervisor) and grill her about all this, but I don't want to shoot myself in the foot regarding possible opportunities.  Oy.

Finally, it is FREEZING, as I know it is times ten in many parts of the country that have it worse than we do.  Camping outdoors, especially considering I hate camping to begin with, sounds simply awful.

Oh Lord, I need an attitude adjustment.  Thanks for listening.

I survived...

... my orphan Thanksgiving.  ha  It actually wasn't too bad.  A friend of a friend hosted and she was a cool person - an aspiring stand-up comedian with depth - and I enjoyed talking with her about both comedy and my theatre activities before everyone arrived.  Yes, unfortunately I was the first to arrive, but in my defense, it was a half an hour after the start time. 

In any case, when the other people did arrive, they were interesting and easy-to-talk-with... and they brought some delicious food!  I bowed out about three hours in, prior to the games portion of the evening, thinking I should get home to Zoey (but equally because my introvert was tired out).  I talked to S for quite another lengthy and productive conversation earlier in the day, on his way to his dad's, and my brother later in the afternoon.  So, all in all, it wasn't too tragic and lonely.

Today, I had a phone appointment with my counselor, then met with S for lunch.   I'm not sure what to say about everything right now... Suffice to say, we have been able to talk through things, be more open, and admit to our parts in the relationship problems more readily with a little distance, I guess. 

On my side, I am seeing more clearly a part of me that is cold and hard... it comes out when I am anxious and/or uncomfortable, which I was with S's insecurity and what I judged as "neediness" around communication and attention, for example.  I want to soften this part of me so that I can be more compassionate and available with myself and my partner. 

S really appreciated being heard around some things, including that he felt I expected a lot of one-way support when I was focused on other things, like family or work conferences etc. but then hadn't seemed willing to give "care and repair" to the relationship afterwards.  He was able to hear that my anxiety and need to prove that I am "okay" can block my ability to engage and be sensitive/caring at these times - that it wasn't about him, as he kept thinking.  This is just one example of many of these types of insights, which feel like a relief to share with one another.

Going forward, we are still broken up and will be communicating less for a while - we said we would not talk or email for the next week, then check in at that point.  He feels like he will get more traction on his anger (and underlying fear) issues working on his own, and that he needs to do this in order to be available for a healthy relationship.  As mentioned, I want to work on softening this cold part of myself that can be so judgmental and distancing. 

Heading in to the lunch today, I wanted to get a sense of whether we both had some level of hope that we might work through our thorniest problems, opening the door to be together down the line.  Somewhat surprisingly, we both said we did have this hope.  He mentioned two or three months as a possible timeline in his mind. 

While I feel happy about this, I also feel unwilling to put my life on hold during this time.  He made the choice to break up, and there are no guarantees as to what will happen.  So, I am thinking - and told him - that I am going to date or at least be open to meeting other people.  Perhaps this experience will help me feel more sure about my eventual commitment to S.  I will say that I have felt more chemistry and closeness with him, since we have been broken up, which could be just due to relief from the conflict/anger cycle and a feeling of "being on the same page"... and could also be partly due to my going off supplements, including DHEA.

So that's my complicated report.  This weekend, I don't have much planned except for dancing on Sunday.  I'm going to try and get a few things done tomorrow but will also need to get the heck out of the house for a while - maybe I'll go see a movie.  I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving and enjoy this weekend, as well.

Good News and Bad News

First of all, thank you to everyone who wished me well on the trip and with this cycle.  Sunday is our test day and so far, no symptoms to speak of, except some moodiness/sadness.  And wanting to eat a lot. but that is likely stress and progesterone.

Regarding the trip, there is good news and bad news.  We made it through the family trip to Oregon in a LOT better shape than the Tahoe trip and I was able to take a quiet, candle-lit "time-out" when I really needed one.  And S was generally more centered and supportive, though he had to do a few hours of work while we were there - thinking about it now, I wonder if that helped him stay centered?  In any case, overall, much better trip in terms of fighting less and staying relatively balanced.

The bad news is that I still had a LOT of critical thoughts come up about S, in terms of physical flaws.  I think I'm seeing the connection pretty clearly between family time and increased anxiety about S being "good enough."  I do recognize how arrogant and mean this sounds... I so wish I could control this evil part of my brain.

As the weekend wore on, S could feel distance and I ended up sharing that I wasn't feeling connected to him physically, which was hard for him to hear.  Then, at the end of the trip he pressed me to say more about what was up for me that was leading to him feeling distance.  So I shared more details about where my mind was going (fitness, age-difference, etc.), but that was very painful for him to hear.  :(

I think there are factors throwing fuel on the evil fire in my brain including:  as mentioned, the anxiety and lack of self-acceptance that comes up with family; the progesterone supplements - and likely the dhea and other long-term supplements I'm on; and the added pressure of us talking about living together and marriage.

In our talk on the way home, I had some grief come up again about missing out on that "young love" and commitment experience of falling in love with abandon, knowing this is the right person for you - the love of your life - and easily moving forward and deciding to settle down together.  I had the falling in love with abandon thing in my early 20's with someone who was not available (and not even a good match in retrospect) - the ex I've written about here.  But it never got out of the gate and other relationships didn't come close to that.  Well, maybe one college boyfriend, but it was definitely immature love, and when I graduated a year ahead of him, I met someone else.

S and I do have a more mature love, but he's pretty restrained in the ga-ga romance department and has understandably been affected by being married twice before.  And, though I feel a lot of love and attraction for him, I would ideally like to feel more consistent chemistry.

I'm obviously feeling some confusion.  This week, I will make another counseling appointment to get some help in sorting it out.  I wish it were more simple - or that I could remove part of my brain!  I am open to feedback or advice.

Struggling

I haven't been posting much because of being in a tough place with S right now.  He's coming over today to finish the conversation we started about the Lake Tahoe trip on Thursday night.  It was a productive conversation - one key insight emerged that, at our core, we both want the same thing, i.e. to stay connected and not be "abandoned" by the other while with family.  But our strategies and vision of what this looks like are very different and actually can work against each other. 

The fact that we devolve into such an ugly and painful place when we are emotionally triggered and fighting in these situations brings up some pretty intense fear in me.  I want us to have more discipline and ability to stay grounded in the face of stress (of which life dishes out plenty).  Even more than that, I long for us to have the ability to support one another through difficult times - to prop each other up versus tear each other down further. 

Yes, progesterone most definitely played a role.  But why couldn't he keep that in mind and cut me more slack, versus becoming angry and reactive?  I needed help to find my way back to my better self and to remember the bigger picture.  For a variety of reasons, including his own anxieties and fears, he couldn't help me with that.  Maybe my expectations of him are neither fair nor possible.

Wish us luck in our discussions.  We leave this coming Wednesday for a week-long trip to Washington DC to see his daughter and her boyfriend, and participate in a climate change rally.  We will need to be strong and resilient to make it through this trip and come out the other side in decent shape.  In addition to our discussions, I'm seeking individual support in the form of a Non-Violent Communication "Empathy Session" (basically a support session), which will hopefully take place today or tomorrow.  I have a sense that I need to grieve the parts of S which do not match my "ideal" version of a mate or of a relationship.  My continued internal judgments of him don't help the situation.

On the ttc front, I am still planning to start doing OPKs later today.  We may or may not do an IUI before we leave on the trip.  Otherwise, we will just do a trigger shot and try naturally, as mentioned.  I plan to go to acupuncture weekly again, starting when I get back from DC.

Next Stop, Oregon

S and I are driving up to my hometown in Oregon today for a visit.  I've had various forms of minor anxiety attacks all week about it.  I don't know if you remember our trip from a year and half or so ago, but suffice to say it was not a good one. 

Remembering back, I think I actually tried to look at the positives when posting about it... perhaps this was part of my "blinders on" stage of my relationship with S - when we clearly had major issues screaming to be dealt with but I was too afraid to push us to deal with them. 

Case in point, shortly before our last trip, I found out he had been in communication with his ex-wife (I assumed she dropped of the face of the earth apparently. ha) and that she was coming out to visit in December.  The length of the trip and that she would be staying with him were not yet on the radar - facts which caused me to ultimately break up with him.

As I've been sharing, we are in a much different place now - more honest and more able to navigate difficult issues and emotions.  But I think my psyche remembers that time - both the pain of the trip, in which we were both stressed and unable to support one another, and the events with the ex that sandwiched it. 

S is being quite good about it.  He says he's in a much different place now and wants to support me with my family.  We have discussed strategies of staying connected and, perhaps most importantly, strategies for me to stay SELF connected.  Even without S there, when I visit family I often lose connection with self.  I don't feel seen or that my life or accomplishments are particularly valued (not so with my brother, but definitely my Dad and Step-Mom).  My family culture celebrates business and sports and a stiff upper lip.  I'm a psychologist/dancer involved in building local, sustainable community.  You see the disconnect?  lol  That's another thing that might help: keeping my sense of humor!

Anyway, I better finish packing.  I will also be seeing my grandpa when I'm home.  He's 92 and has been in and out of the hospital lately.  This trip feels significant because of that, as well.  And we're taking Zoey!!  Wish us luck!

p.s. Brief ttc update: I have an appointment to get my pol.yps removed March 8th, which may be moved up when I start my next cycle on Sunday or Monday.  I have a fibr.oid consultation with the specialist in Hayward on the 12th.  There are not significant signs that indicate my current cycle might be successful, though we did time things well.  I had a cold for the last week or two.

Flowing Along

This cycle is definitely in full flow now, excuse the pun.  I left two messages for the doctor yesterday, at different times, on different lines.  Nervous much, Kristina?  I couldn't remember the policy on returning calls on Saturdays.  Hopefully, they will call first thing tomorrow morning.

I'm worried about scheduling my initial monitoring appointment because at this point I have two appointments for my International Coordinator job Monday afternoon, and my first day teaching school on Tuesday.  

A less than kind nurse answered the phone when I called Friday and informed me that others who had already started their cycles were in front of me (I was only spotting which does not count), and she was running out of appointments for Monday.  I don't know what I'll do if they demand that I come in on Tuesday before 4 p.m.  I can reschedule the Monday appointments, but Tuesday is not so much a flexible situation. 

I've started the doxycycline, and I guess it's okay if I start the Femara on Day 3 or 4?  She said she'd give me the prescription at my first monitoring appointment.  

Plan is in place to purchase the donor vial tomorrow... t'will be nice to avoid walking around the bustling streets of San Fran.cisco with a huge cryo tank!  This clinic is in the more mellow hamlet of Fre.mont.  A bit longer drive but less traffic and an available parking lot.

On another note, I love the references to "The Red Thread" that have been going around the IF blog world lately.  The novel has to do with infertility and adoption stories, but I'm not sure of the plot.  I just love the thought of my baby and I being connected by a red thread, and the thread growing shorter and shorter, until the baby is in my arms and the thread is just a dot.  Here is what I believe is the related Chinese proverb: 

“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.” – Chinese Proverb

IUI Day

After a harrowing start to the morning. my IUI yesterday went off swimmingly.

I left over 20 minutes before when I normally would, so as to give myself some extra time.  As I began driving, the radio DJ said that there had been a fire in our rapid transit system and there was no service across the Bay to day.  That we were experiencing the worst traffic possible.  Great.  Sure enough, it took me two hours to make a 45 minute trip!  

I was worried about missing my appointment but eventually had the added stress of having to "pee like a racehorce," as they say.  As we crept like snails through the toll booth, I actually considered jumping out and peeing behind a barrier.  Luckily for me and everyone in the surrounding area, I made it to a gas station off the first exit after the bridge. 

Once I arrived, I was imagining being whisked in to a room to immediately get things underway, considering the few hour window.  Instead, I waited almost 45 minutes.  At one point, I snuck threw the doors and talked to a less-than-friendly nurse who informed me that they were preparing and that they usually call people back a half hour or more after they check-in.  I tried to share my opinion that they should inform people of this timeline, but I think it fell on deaf ears.

Once I was finally called back, however, the IUI process unfolded like a charm.  The nurse was warm and reassuring, wanting to make sure I was comfortable.  The nurse practitioner seemed in a great mood and let me know that the sample was great.  She said they like to see a count of five to six million and mine had 16 million.  Also, the motility or speed was ranked threes and fours, and they consider ones and twos "okay."  So, this measure was exceeded, as well.  I mentioned that I'd felt some pangs around the ovaries the day prior and was worried I might be ovulating early, but she said no, that the hormones changing can cause feelings like that.  She's confident everything is on target, and that helped me relax more about it.  

I don't know if I would go so far as to say the actual IUI was a pleasure but it was as close to that as an IUI can get!  I don't know if the medication or the trigger shot makes this predictably happen, but she said my cervix was open, so I didn't even feel the catheter.  The whole thing took maybe a couple of minutes.  

Thinking back to previous IUIs with an OBGYN I had in San Luis Obis.po, I think he must have had less expertise.  Several times, he had to use a tenaculum, which she said she's used maybe once in all the IUIs she's ever done.  In any case, I was very happy.  

Afterwards, I lay there for 20 or 25 minutes and chilled out.  At the end, it occurred to me to sing a few songs to my potential child, which was fun.  Then, I bought myself a cinnamon roll reward and headed home, where I proceeded to lay around for a few more hours.  I felt some bloating and cramping but not too bad.  

I ventured out for dinner with a friend from my Nonviol.ent Communication group later on.  At the end of dinner, I felt kind of full and slightly crampy again and it was nice to get home and go to bed fairly early.  

Thus commences the two-week wait!

Update: Jobs and Cops

So glad I'm not working right now.  And yet. . . I'm ready and wanting to find another income stream, especially considering my supervisor will be hiring another teacher soon and my hours will go back down. 

Any ideas for me in terms of job search strategies or possible employers?  I think I've shared a lot about my work background but to revisit: I have a Masters in Psychology and lots of experience with career counseling, interactive theatre (especially using it for self and career development and community building), as well as communication and curriculum development.  Work environments have more recently included Non-Profits, Private Non-Profits, and community colleges, but in the past, businesses as well. 

Ideally, I would find something part-time, since I'm already working 15-20 well-paid hours through my current grant.  I really wish I could find paid work for the Transition Town movement.  Maybe I should at least ask Transition U.S. if I could submit my resume, though I know they are a pretty lean organization.

I found a few possibilities on job sites and am applying for them today.  And there may be some extra hours I could get from other grants at the community college where I work.  My supervisor gave the green light to talk to the head of our department about it.  Wish me luck!

In the oh-so-fun dating arena, the situation with the COP has had a couple more ups and downs.

On the second and most recent date on Monday, we walked around a local reservoir.  The chemistry was definitely still there, but I think our ongoing drama has created reticence in both of us.  It was a beautiful walk.  We stopped and walked out onto a secluded dock at one point and made out a little.  :-)

Continuing on, he talked a lot about the stress he was under in his job, the traumatic domestic and violent situations he's dealt with, how humor was such a huge coping mechanism, but he knows what he went through has affected him and created a lot of repressed emotion (my wording).  He said if he ever got counseling, he would need to talk to someone who had been a cop and could understand his reality.

This may sound callous, but I was empathizing and really with him up to a point, but then I wanted him to ask about me and give me some air time.  He basically talked most of the time and was very absorbed in his own feelings.  At the end he asked me what was going on.  I said I knew I couldn't really understand what he'd been through, but I needed to say that I did think it would be good if talked to someone - that he would have access to more of himself - and he agreed.

I also said I was needing to know he was interested in me and requested that he ask me a question (yes, I am that direct sometimes).  Well, he got all defensive.  We got past it and ended up being kind of romantic at the end, but my heart wasn't totally in it.  I'm just really wanting more consciousness in my relationships now, and the ability to communicate and hear one another at deeper levels.  Anyway, we have decided to take a break for a few days and check back in this weekend.

In this break, he is supposedly deciding if he wants to work on himself and try and be more open to communicating and hearing feelings.  So far, when I express vulnerable feelings, it makes him uncomfortable and he deflects with jokes or defensiveness.

Believe me, I know that I have issues, and I certainly don't expect him or anyone I date not to have them, as well.  But more self-awareness = more ability to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions; to acknowledge when we have treated the other person unfairly from a place of being "triggered" into some old pattern.

In addition to the date described above, and as I shared about in the previous post, he has really put me through the wringer with his unconscious communication.  It's been intolerable.  I told him I don't have the emotional fortitude to withstand it.  Basically, he communicates a bare minimum through texts and leaves me hanging for periods of time.  He rarely initiates phone calls and doesn't follow through on making plans to meet.  He'll seem interested in getting together, and then something "comes up," like needing to help his roommate, and he says he can't.  But in our conversations, he's often intensely romantic and plaintively says he misses me and wishes I was there with him.  When I've confronted him on his crazy-making behavior, he's admitted to feeling a lot of fear because I can "get inside his head."  I'm sure his recent divorce also plays a role.

We've met two times, and it's like we've had an entire relationship, complete with several break-ups.  Too much drama!  I knew it was not conscious or healthy enough for me pretty early in, but the energy and chemistry we had was really seductive.  I haven't had that strong of connection with anyone for a long, long time.  And he made me laugh, and who can resist a man who makes you laugh?

But the drama has dampened all that.  If he decides he really wanted to work on himself, then I will consider trying, but otherwise, I'm done.

The Cop

It's been a busy week.  The cop and I have continued to talk and text and actually did manage to meet up.  It was a really good meeting and the chemistry was not overestimated. :)  I really want to give him a chance, even though he's shown me in several ways that he has less self-awareness than I would like and also has a lot of fear that is holding him back from making plans.

Or at least I think it's fear; fear is what he's shared with me.  But maybe partly it's just who he is.  Basically he hasn't asked me out to do anything with more than a few hours notice and he decides he really wants to see me once it gets to be about nine or 10 'o clock at night, when it's not reasonable that I drive out to see him or vice versa.

From all the talking we've done, it feels almost like we're in a relationship, but when I consider we've only met once in person, I don't necessarily consider that a good thing.  I'm resentful that he's causing me anxiety around the simple commitment of meeting and getting to know one another face to face.

There was a word for this, I think from the Artist's W.ay:  Crazy Making.  He's practicing crazy making, and I'm not enjoying the ride.  The flip side is  that he has consistently been in communication in other ways, by text and by phone, and he has responded to my feelings by stopping certain behaviors like dropping communication (deciding we were done communicating for the moment, then starting another activity and not responding to my texts/calls).

He's expressed that he likes me.  But he's also expressed that he's never met anyone like me and that it really scares him that I could "get inside his head," as few people have.  Did I mention he worked as a hostage negotiator?  He's told me about his early life, as well, which I won't go into here, but it makes me feel a lot of compassion for him.  And I certainly understand being gunshy after ending a 17-year marriage only last year.

But I know I'm not willing to go crazy or sacrifice my peace of mind over someone.  I need there to be mutual consideration and respect, regardless of how much fear either one of us may be feeling.

So last night I told him I'd been thinking and that I'm needing more consideration in making plans together. . . and then didn't hear from him again all night until exchanging a brief goodnight text.  Sad but I know it was the right thing.  If we can't move into "normal" dating and hanging out, then I know I don't want to continue.  It's just too much anxiety, and I don't possess the emotional fortitude. . . despite the sizzling chemistry.

* Update: he texted a "hi" this morning and again later in the day, but we still haven't talked.  I'm not sure what's going to happen.

Telling on Myself

Happy New Year's Eve.

Continuing to slowly climb out of the hole.  Gradually relying less on vices to cope with my grief.  Trying to bring in some meditation and writing.  Still drinking more than usual and watching a lot of television though.

My housemate came back from New York where his family lives, but he's been staying over at his  girlfriend's (or whatever she is right now) house.  I guess the idea is to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot over this weekend, then see where they're going to go.  They've been together a year or so I think and broken up twice in that time.  She's high energy and can turn in to a human tornado of emotion, especially around her stressful job managing a retreat center.  He (my housemate) is more introverted and gets overwhelmed with her agitation.

He also feels taken for granted, as well as devalued at times when she has had "friendships" pop up from the past with other guys.  She's been a very free spirit over the years, traveling a lot, lovers in every port, etc.  Anyway, they do have lots of chemistry and have been trying very hard, so actually I hope they can work it out.

To catch up on my own mess, when I got back from Christmas, there was an email from S (I'm going to call him S for Snake, instead of sh/cm, because it fits my feelings right now) saying his romantic feelings had faded the last few days - not because of any focus on another person - but on their own accord.  And he wanted to enter the New Year as friends.

Well, that hurt.  Even though I was uncertain what I wanted, there was at least some hope, and we had been processing relationship issues together over email.  This felt like yet another slap.  I do have to admit that I emailed him first, the day before, saying that I needed to step back emotionally.  I had asked him what he was doing for Christmas and there was a deafening silence on that front, which clearly indicated he spent it with his ex.  It made me realize how very uncomfortable I still was with the whole situation and that I couldn't really be processing anything with him while this was going on.  But I expected him to understand; for us to pull back but there be a desire on his part to continue talking later.

As I write this, I realize I probably shouldn't have been processing things with him in the first place at this time, all things considered.  But it is SO hard to break up with someone and just float out into the ether.  It's an emotional shock and leaves such a huge gaping hole in your heart, as well as your life (I imagine you all know what I'm talking about).  It sounds good to "be tough," but it feels horrible.

Anyway, I responded to his post-Christmas email with a fairly short response saying I had sadly come to doubt his capacity to be truthful, as well as his very character, and I didn't want to be friends.  That I may want to talk at some point in the future but, for now, goodbye.  That felt right and strong but then the recent lonely days wore on me. . . I know I should be getting out and distracting myself, but I'm low on money after Christmas and feeling low energy too.

So, I had a mini-slip yesterday and sent him an article from Psychology Today called, "Promise Keepers - The Committed Partners Who Stay Faithful to Each Other," about the 50% of relationships in which both partners manage to remain faithful.    I saw the flaws of our relationship in some of the qualities she described, and it evoked both an ache and an excited feeling of affirmation, like, "Yes, yes, that's what I wanted!"  For example, this section on "Inclusion":


Think inclusion rather than exclusion. Faithful partners know the differences between privacy and secrecy. Private thoughts or actions do not necessarily threaten a relationship, but may. Anyone can be more susceptible to slipping from something innocent to a potentially dangerous situation. Faithful partners put their relationship above those possibilities.

Intimacy is about trust, trust is about honesty, and honesty is about not hiding anything. When partners have nothing to hide, they don't end up fugitives from each other. They don't want to harbor concerns that what they are doing could potentially threaten the sanctity of their bond.

In the moment of reading the article, I felt deeply compelled to send it to S.  I thought I was coming from a somewhat detached place of wanting him to understand what might have helped us, but also an altruistic desire to help him learn for whatever possible future relationship he ended up in.  In retrospect, I wanted him to understand what he did "wrong" and what kind of relationship I wanted, but also it was a little piece of connection with him.  I'm definitely getting stronger and feeling more balanced, but clearly still struggling with the loneliness and separation.  

So, I guess I wanted to "tell" on myself here.  I don't know what he's got going on with his ex - they could be making like bunnies over there - but it's not my business and it's not really the point.  He behaved very badly.  I need MUCH more respect, transparency, and caring for my feelings from a partner I'm with long term.  I am deeply disappointed and sad about the choices he made and for the way things ended, but I take responsibility for having doubts and issues of my own that seriously affected our relationship.  

At this point, I'm trying to find faith that there may be someone else out there for me with a stronger character and a stronger chemistry with me, who still has a lot of the wonderful shared values, interests, goals, and communication that S and I shared.  But sometimes I'm not so sure. . .

We interrupt this relationship. . .

This has been a week from hell.  Starting with a horrible teaching day Tuesday in which everything that could go wrong technically did with regard to a medical video I was showing, and progressing to my boyfriend telling me his ex-wife was coming two weeks earlier and would be living with him for the month she's here.

He explained she would be sleeping upstairs in the loft space.  He swore that it was business only, that even if I ran off with some other man, he wouldn't be with her.  He said he could spend a lot more nights at my house and that we would still go up to Oregon for Christmas at the end of this month, in the middle of her stay.

But I couldn't take it.  The shock, hurt, and fear were too much.

To begin with, I told him there is no way I could deal with that, no way that she could stay with him, and at first he seemed like he was considering other options like her staying with one of his co-workers.

But the next day in emails, I could tell he was trying to placate me.  He wasn't answering direct questions about the situation and her staying with him, him spending time with her, etc.  So I called and asked him directly, and he told me that she was going to stay with him.

I said, "Even knowing all that I've told you about how it makes me feel and knowing what I said about not being able to handle it, you are still making that choice?"

And he mumbled a bit and then said, "Yes."

So I broke up with him.

It's been a few days now.  He picked her up at the airport yesterday and God knows what they are doing right now, but I'm trying not to torture myself with those kind of thoughts.

I've been feeling so confused and hurt about how he could so definitively choose to "honor his commitment" (about finishing things up with her work-wise) and "fulfill his obligation" (to talk things through with her and have closure on their marriage and post-marriage relationship) through her living with him for a month, when he knew that potentially could end our relationship, his current commitment?

And how could he think that it's okay to live with this woman who I've never met and who, the last time he saw her, he was sexual with and talked about "giving it another try" (around this time even), before he changed his mind and decided to be with me?

And finally, how could he present it to me as a done deal instead of talking it through with me and working harder to help me understand and get on the same page with him, which to me shows respect and love?

Trying to understand his perspective, which I hope to more directly hear about tomorrow night when he comes over to talk, I've considered a few things:

1. I have been extremely jealous and emotionally volatile around the subject and he has reason to doubt I could have talked it over with him rationally.
2. He feels a lot of guilt about breaking up with her back in the Spring.  He was married to her for four years I think and has a lot of history with her and agreements I don't know that much about with regard to business/work.
3. He feels deeply (not that I agree) that he owes her this and would be a bad person if he didn't do right by her in this way.  So in this light, he's not choosing her over me but feels he has no other choice in order to keep his self-respect and integrity.
4. I don't know why she had to come out two weeks earlier.  I was too angry to inquire clearly about this but plan to do so tomorrow night.  But if there was a good reason for this, putting her up in a hotel for a month would be thousands of dollars that he can't really afford (nor can she I'm fairly sure) and it's unlikely his co-worker could have boarded her for a month.  
5. Because he feels so clear in his own mind that he is not interested in being with her, he expects me to trust this.  I also wonder if he feels at some level that this is a fair exchange because I live with a man, and my living situation has brought up a lot of insecurity and jealousy in him over time. Even though I'm beyond clear that I have no attraction and have stressed this with him.  I've posted about this before. . .

I think that he rationalized it in his mind and somehow made it fit together as an okay choice.  But the close confidants I've told clearly think this situation is outside the norm and seem to understand and resonate with my outrage.  An ex from not all that long ago?  Living with him for a month?  Really? 

I met with my Non-Violent Communication group leader yesterday, and she gave me a lot of empathic support.  It felt good to release emotion and receive compassion.  I was also able, through this process, to come to some of the above understanding of his perspective, which is also valuable.  I'm not saying I think he made the "right" choice, but I can see more of the feelings and needs driving his actions.

Do I wish that my feelings and our commitment somehow trumped everything else?  Absolutely, but I guess that's not the case here.

One aspect that I need to own is that I have had my own doubts about our long-term compatibility, and I know this has affected our relationship and how I treat him at times.  He was very hurt the other day when I did not respond to a text, even though I did receive it, until several hours later that evening.  Does that show some lack of respect and caring?  Probably so.  And there are other things I've done and said that show uncertainty and less than 100 percent commitment to him in my heart.  So I need to own those things too and recognize they likely play a role here, as well.

So, yeah, a depressing week.

To end on a slightly positive note, I did go buy and decorate a small Christmas tree yesterday - the first time I've done this on my own.  And I went to dance this morning, even though I was feeling very anxious and sad, followed by going out to the awesomely-named "Karma Kitchen" and eating with dance friends afterwards.  When I got home, I colored my hair a lovely red-auburn color.  Now, I'm drinking wine and am going to watch a movie.

I hope tomorrow night brings relief and understanding.

p.s. I would appreciate hearing any feedback or experiences you might have to share related to this.