Untethered

I was feeling sort of untethered today... some uneasiness and anxiety and a sense of being "out there" but not really sure why. Often, if these feelings start to come up, I'll try to think of something to do that sounds engaging and pleasurable to connect to something and feel safe and comfortable again.

But today, I consciously chose not to scramble around for an activity right away and hung out with the feelings. There was just this floaty feeling of space and disconnection, and not in a relaxing way... more a feeling of things not being right but not knowing what I should do or where I should go to make it better.

I stood there for a while. I walked around the house. I asked myself, why might I be feeling this way? Two pretty good reasons did come up: the first was an exchange with S about when we would talk in which he wanted to talk Monday, and I wanted to talk today. Very familiar feeling of being pushed away and not wanted, and it's annoying feeling hurt even though we're no longer in a relationship. They call it avoidance in attachment theory, and it's no fun being on the receiving end.

The other reason is that I'm currently financially stretched. Two checks should have come through that haven't yet. I think it's probably normal to feel anxiety in this scenario. I don't like to feel anxiety about things I don't feel I have the control to change, but sometimes one of those things is feeling anxiety. lol 

I did end up working out, taking the dog on a walk, and getting a little bit of work done (while watching a pretty good movie, The Dark Horse). I'm oddly looking forward to Monday and throwing myself into work.