It's been a busy week. The cop and I have continued to talk and text and actually did manage to meet up. It was a really good meeting and the chemistry was not overestimated. :) I really want to give him a chance, even though he's shown me in several ways that he has less self-awareness than I would like and also has a lot of fear that is holding him back from making plans.
Or at least I think it's fear; fear is what he's shared with me. But maybe partly it's just who he is. Basically he hasn't asked me out to do anything with more than a few hours notice and he decides he really wants to see me once it gets to be about nine or 10 'o clock at night, when it's not reasonable that I drive out to see him or vice versa.
From all the talking we've done, it feels almost like we're in a relationship, but when I consider we've only met once in person, I don't necessarily consider that a good thing. I'm resentful that he's causing me anxiety around the simple commitment of meeting and getting to know one another face to face.
There was a word for this, I think from the Artist's W.ay: Crazy Making. He's practicing crazy making, and I'm not enjoying the ride. The flip side is that he has consistently been in communication in other ways, by text and by phone, and he has responded to my feelings by stopping certain behaviors like dropping communication (deciding we were done communicating for the moment, then starting another activity and not responding to my texts/calls).
He's expressed that he likes me. But he's also expressed that he's never met anyone like me and that it really scares him that I could "get inside his head," as few people have. Did I mention he worked as a hostage negotiator? He's told me about his early life, as well, which I won't go into here, but it makes me feel a lot of compassion for him. And I certainly understand being gunshy after ending a 17-year marriage only last year.
But I know I'm not willing to go crazy or sacrifice my peace of mind over someone. I need there to be mutual consideration and respect, regardless of how much fear either one of us may be feeling.
So last night I told him I'd been thinking and that I'm needing more consideration in making plans together. . . and then didn't hear from him again all night until exchanging a brief goodnight text. Sad but I know it was the right thing. If we can't move into "normal" dating and hanging out, then I know I don't want to continue. It's just too much anxiety, and I don't possess the emotional fortitude. . . despite the sizzling chemistry.
* Update: he texted a "hi" this morning and again later in the day, but we still haven't talked. I'm not sure what's going to happen.