Holiday Time - at home and in Oregon - with RC

It's been a while since I posted! Happy New Year!

In the meanwhile, my new guy, RC, and I survived, and dare I say, pretty much thrived through two weeks straight together. We spent a few days together before leaving to drive up to Oregon, and also spent three days here together at the end, over New Years, before he left. Highlights of our time prior to Christmas in Oregon included:

• Shopping together is so much more fun than doing all the shopping alone.
• Help with wrapping presents!
• I tried a healthy gluten-free zucchini bread recipe, and it was gratifying because he gobbled it up. He doesn't eat much bread, so I felt like I really gave him a treat.
• My birthday celebration! We went out to a yummy surf and turf and shrimp and grits dinner with some great Pinot to go with it. My favorite thing, as you know. I also got my hair foiled with lots of blonde which has been fun and made me feel pampered.

Then we packed and hit the road with Zoey in her backseat perch behind us. RC accidentally took the scenic coastal route, and I was too spacey to catch it. It took a couple hours more but at least we had a beautiful view. We had to rush when we arrived, though, to check into our hotel and get to my family business' Christmas party. We made it in time to have a few drinks and nosh on some hors d'oeuvres, catch up with my brother and sister and their spouses, and have some funny conversations with intoxicated employees, as well. That's what a company Christmas party should be, I guess!

The next day, after a slightly hungover breakfast at the nearby pancake house, we unpacked and organized our room and went shopping at the mall for some last Christmas items. Other trip adventures and highlights included:

• Making the sugar cookie dough with my little nieces at my brother's house Friday night, while RC and my brother got to know one another. I'm glad they seemed to connect and get along well! Then, we finished the cookies and frosted them with all the nieces and my nephew there Christmas Eve. RC was super helpful and made and colored all the frosting bowls. I will say that my second to youngest niece has matured in her attention span and, most surprising, my nephew was actually helpful and fairly calm during the process. Quite a difference! The littlest one kept wanting to lick the frosting off the cookies. lol
• RC driving me, my oldest niece and nephew around to look at Christmas lights and sing some carols after we all got hot chocolate and cookies at Starbucks. It was super sweet of RC to drive - though I could tell it was stressful at times since he doesn't know the area - so that I could interact and talk more with J and E.
• Christmas at my sister's house, formerly my mom and dad's house. We opened presents and it was really nice having RC there. He was able to be supportive and engage where appropriate but also fall back a bit when appropriate in a way that S never was able to do. I got some really nice earrings from both Rich and my dad and M, as well as a pretty dress (my first item of clothing with shoulder cut-outs) and cool short leather boots I love. Everyone seemed to like my gifts: my niece V loved the breathing dog I got her, which was awesome because she's learning how not to be afraid of dogs; and RC loved the leather bag I got him and immediately put his computer, notebook, books, etc. in it when we returned to the hotel later. :) My sister's family all received bathrobes, which they tried on, and I did the honor of catching that funny cuteness on camera. Breakfast frittata and fruit was yummy! And a bonus was that, after others had left, RC and I went to my oldest nieces room and my nephew's room to see the changes they had made and just chat a little more. I wish I could  have had more time with them but we made the most of it.
• Since my sister's family was leaving the next morning and needed to pack, and my brother left with his family to head up to Portland to spend time with his wife's family, RC and I had no where to go for Christmas dinner. We hadn't really thought it through and of course nothing was open - except for Chinese restaurants which had an hour or two wait times. So, hilariously, we went to 7-11 and loaded up on stuff we could eat from there and made a dent in our Christmas wine gifts, while watching a movie.
• Visiting my Aunt and Uncle's house and giving the little cousin's gifts and zucchini bread to the grown-ups, introducing RC, and spending time talking, eating cookies, and just enjoying ourselves and laughing. As I get older, I really value my Aunt and Uncle and their kids... having the love and connection with my birth mom's side of the family. It's definitely a feeling of warmth and acceptance. At one point, my Aunt pulled me to the side and said, "I really like him!" Yay!
• Sharing a lunch and nice dinner with my Dad and his partner, M. On his own, versus with the whole family, my Dad can seem to connect and have more meaningful conversation with us. We talked a little about politics at dinner, and I was shocked to realize that my Dad and I have a very similar view of Trump! (he's a Republican). M was nice and made an effort to get to know Rich, which I appreciated.
• We went to my older cousin on my dad's side's house, as I often do, but she talked even more than usual, it seemed. This cousin of mine can talk a blue streak, especially when she's been drinking. It was good to see her son, though, who she adopted from China and give him a little gift I brought.
• The night before we left, we went to the athletic club restaurant (my family developed and runs an athletic club in downtown Eugene) to have drinks with a few friends and acquantances of mine from high school. It was pretty fun but somewhat exhausting at that point, especially for this introvert. RC hung in like a champ.

I think I will need to finish out this holiday report in a "Part 2" over the next few days. I was really glad to have the few days on our own after we returned, and we had some meaningful conversation and experiences. Hope your holiday time was loving and fun!

My new love - Part 3

Before resuming the story of my new love, RC, and me, I have to say that I am so excited that we have reached December! I am loving the T.J.'s peppermint bark and super excited to decorate a Christmas  tree on my birthday week and travel up to Oregon for Christmas. Hello Holidays!

Back to the story...So during RC's visit, we were already thinking ahead to when we would see each other again, and in passing, I mentioned Thanksgiving and my birthday on December 16th. We also had a conversation over the phone about what makes a long-distance relationship sustainable, and one of the main aspects we both mentioned was seeing each other regularly. The last day before he left, we talked a little more about the idea of Thanksgiving. He seemed less than enthusiastic, but as we continued to discuss it, I realized it was because he was worried about trying to put together a full traditional Thanksgiving meal.

One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that he has a thyroid disorder and is on quite a few food restrictions: no dairy, no gluten, etc. It's a little frustrating sometimes, but usually there is something on the menu he can order or adapt to work for him. Once we agreed we would have a "non-traditional" meal, however, I think he relaxed. He definitely wanted me to come see him, and we both were excited as we made plans and the time grew closer.

After I got over the hurdle of doing laundry, packing, etc. and got on the road with my co-pilot, Zoey, it took a little over four hours to get to his house. Arriving and getting settled was the worst part of the trip (I'm noticing a pattern here with me - I think I have anxiety during these kind of transitions). He was finishing cleaning the bathroom when I arrived (!) so was all sweaty and grimy when I arrived. He came out to the car and tried to kiss me through the window - back up, sweaty boy! lol Also, his apartment was very underwhelming. He does know this. He moved there under pressure to find something quickly and considered it "temporary," though he's now been there for two-and-a-half years. It's old with a capital O and run-down looking.  The carpet, floors, and fixtures are worn and unattractive. It has an unpleasant smell sometimes in the kitchen and bathroom because he said the plumbing is really old or something. Yeah, it's not good. But what was I going to do? I was a guest and had to make the best of it, so I did. The two dozen roses he gave me did help a little!

Later, after I arrived home, I had feelings come up about it that I had pushed down while I was there, so I talked to him about it. Though it wasn't the most comfortable conversation, he listened and took it in, and then did some self-reflection about why he had settled for a "sub-standard" (his word) home environment for so long. It was a relief for me to express my feelings about it, as well as my thoughts that it didn't fit him or his level of consciousness, so to speak. I am clear within myself that I would be reluctant to visit him again in that place, though I might, and would definitely not ever live there.

Anyway, moving on, the activities and time we spent during my visit were a little affected by the environment but not too much. I arrived on Thanksgiving, so after getting settled, we had a glass of wine and made dinner. It was delicious! He cooked a thick piece of  salmon to perfection and made delicious mashed sweet potatoes with ghee (clarified butter). I prepared and roasted some brussel sprouts, and we had gourmet chocolate for dessert. Yum! We watched the movie, "Pets," which was cute, while cuddling and giving each other massage, which seems to be becoming one of our things.

The second day, we went out and walked around downtown Paso Robles, a nearby  town, walked through a community craft/art fair that was happening in the town square, and visited a couple of interesting art galleries. When we got back to his house, we had a really deep and meaningful talk that meant the world to me. I shared that I was afraid that my "issues" that come up at times might sabotage our relationship, and he assured me that he was "not going anywhere" and wanted to see where things go with us. It reminded me of the book, "Motherless Daughters," which talks about how someone can come along who is willing to stick it out and get through the triggers that come up around intimacy for women who have lost their mothers. I thought it was interesting the section of that book popped up in my mind.

We sort of "partied" one of the days I was there, but in a somewhat conscious way. We made plans for meaningful activities to do together while we were "feeling good" and did them all, I think. We played a lot of music and made a soundtrack for ourselves. We read a relationship book we had picked up the day before in town and discussed a ritual that would mark our commitment to one another. One ritual, changing our FB status, we completed that evening, and another ritual, getting corresponding tattoos, we may do in the near future. That's definitely a big commitment. A lot of the evening, we sat on the couch drinking red wine and talking and asking each other questions. :)

The next day, we were feeling a little tired but not too bad and went out to a fun brunch. He was being a little "clingy" about me leaving later, but it was cute. After brunch, we came back to the house and took a nap and made love a last time. We are learning more about each other in that area. It's great to experience pleasure, and I think it's an important part of a relationship to share with someone; one that my last relationship did not consistently include. It definitely didn't include all the affection, cuddling, and massage that RC and I share.

Another significant aspect of the trip I want to mention is the interactions of our two beloved pets: his kitty cat, Calvin, and my girl, Zoey. Their initial meeting did not at all go as planned. RC thought that Calvin would be shy and go hide somewhere. Nope. Calvin was very curious! He wanted to see who was this strange creature invading his territory and running around with all this energy? The whole time we were there, he kept an eye on Zoey, wanting to know where she was and what she was doing. A few times, they did come together for a butt sniff or to touch noses, but for the most part, if Zoey tried to come right up to Calvin, he would make a swatting motion with one paw (though I don't think he ever actually scratched her) and she would retreat yelping as though she had been mortally wounded. lol

Whenever I or RC would try and pay attention to Calvin, Zoey would come up and try and be part of the action. Does anyone know what that is? Is she jealous or curious or feeling protective or? It was a little frustrating because I wanted to get to know Calvin better, but for the most part, we were pleased with this first introduction, and they did seem more relaxed as the weekend progressed. We were even able to leave them alone together and they were fine. We noticed they tended to pick up  on our energy and if we were super relaxed, like doing a guided meditation together or just relaxed and talking, they would follow suit and plop down all chilled out. lol

We have had some great and progressively deepening conversations since Thanksgiving weekend, and yesterday, we finalized our hotel booking for Christmas in Eugene! Yep, he's coming with me to Oregon, and I'm looking forward to it. Calvin will have a cat sitter but Zoey is coming with us. He's driving up to my house on my birthday, and we are going to decorate a little Christmas tree and drive around looking at lights, two of my favorite activities. Then, we will drive up to Oregon together on Thursday morning before Christmas and return the following Thursday. We will spend about two straight weeks together - including several days with family - which I'm thinking will be a big leap forward for our relationship, assuming we survive. ha

Thus ends my three-part "new love" series, but I will post again for my birthday and our holiday travels. Wishing you all a festive and fun start to the holiday season!

My new love interest - Part 2

Now, I have a "Part 3" to add, so I am behind on blogging! To finish my thoughts on RC's visit to see me...After we scattered the ashes, we came back to my house and rested then had a really nice dinner - I had sautéed scallops, yum! -  and came back to relax, share some massage and watch television.

I'm so glad he stayed the extra day because our conversation and connection deepened through the activities of the last day in which we had brunch and drove around to different places where his parents had lived back in the day. I enjoyed the car ride, listening to music and having meaningful conversation about past relationship patterns. I shared about how I can become anxious at times and generously share this anxiety lol by becoming critical or almost picking a fight. He shared more about his first wife who had a pattern of always having some kind of physical ailment that required him to act as a caregiver.

The last night, we slept in the same bed, which was nice. I feel physically comfortable with him and very much enjoy cuddling with him, which my ex, S, and I were never able to do well for various reasons. It's like I'm rediscovering physical closeness and cuddling; I missed it!

The next day, I had to get ready for work but had coffee with him and shared sweet little conversations throughout the morning. As a side note, he really likes Zoey and Zoey loves him, which makes our time easier and more comfortable, as well.

From when he left until before Thanksgiving, we shared several texts throughout the day filled with lovey dovey language and expressions of romance and care. He has consistently written a long, thoughtful text in the morning and in the evening, before bed. I love receiving these! And appreciate his way with words and openness in expressing his feelings. Our texts also end with lots of emoji hearts and kisses - it's that mushy stuff that's annoying unless you're the one doing it. lol 

We also had several authentic conversations, helping to know each other more deeply. I shared that I wanted his full attention at times when I am sharing something meaningful, versus how sometimes he multi-tasks, talking with me and cooking or doing dishes, etc., and that I like questions to help me express myself more fully. When we have had tension come up a couple times or one of us feels a little triggered, we have been able to share vulnerably and talk through it. So important and welcome to me!

I'll end Part 2 there, and return later for Part 3...

My new love interest - Part 1

As you can probably tell by the title, my time with the old friend went even better than imagined.  After a bit of a bumpy start when he first arrived, brought his stuff in, and got settled, we progressed into feeling quite comfortable with one another.

The first afternoon/evening, we got something to eat, then I left him to relax as I headed off to my chalice circle group. When I returned, we chatted and caught up then headed to bed. He brought a queen-sized air mattress which we installed in the nursery after moving the changing table to my room to make space. I came in and cuddled some with him in the morning - initially felt a little funny as we had been friends for years when I lived on the central coast but then it was really nice.

Saturday we made some breakfast then walked downtown to explore. It was Veterans Day so we ended up catching the parade from a window table at a corner restaurant, while we grabbed a snack and a drink. I got to see a side of him that is respectfully patriotic and appreciative of our veterans, which I found attractive. He spent several years in the navy so has some experience with the military. We came home and rested for a while.

Somewhere around this time, we talked about it and he decided to stay another day and drive home Monday. Also somewhere around this time we made love. I told him beforehand that if we do become intimate, he can't move to Austin and forget about me! To explain, he has three sons and several young grandkids who live in Austin and, before we reconnected, he was basically planning to move down there and live on the property of one of his sons. But interestingly he found out while he was here that the zoning did not come through as they'd hoped, so there is an indefinite delay...

When we were talking about him coming up to visit, he shared that his parents actually lived in Petaluma for the latter part of their lives. His father passed, then his mother, and since they loved it here, he wanted to spread their ashes in this area (along with his older sister who had passed away a few years ago, as well). He said he would like to have me with him, and I agreed. So on later on Saturday, we drove out to scatter the ashes at a local nature area. Well, not all the ashes because he had scattered some at another location. Anyway, it was a little weird, but also a meaningful experience to share.

To be continued...

Veteran's Day Weekend 2017

Start of the three-day weekend. Sending gratitude to all the veterans out there.

I had a positive week, but today I had conversations with my department head and coworkers that kind of stressed me out. Now my neighbors are playing music and talking loudly...it's only 9:30pm, and I know it's their prerogative, but I sure wish the walls were more insulated!

Anyway, earlier my department head said that I will be getting the same assignment for spring, so that's good, but she said after that the college counseling department will not be providing counselors to my program. I had heard rumblings of this before and my program director said that counselors are necessary to run the program and they would find a way to pay for them. But what does that mean exactly? I started thinking more about possibilities and questions came up: Would we be paid at the same rate? Will the employment criteria be the same (i.e. if the high school district pays, would we need a high school counseling credential)?

I know a lot can happen in six months, but I appreciated my job in this program as the solid ground I could depend upon. If college counseling and teaching hours opened up at my campus or the other campus 20 minutes north, I might decide I prefer to work those hours and let go of the extra stress and complexity of dealing with a high school program. On the other hand, I have come to deeply care about my students and feel close to my colleagues. So I do enjoy it much more than when I started in February. I need to keep calm and find out more information before I jump to the alarmed phase. I will talk to my director when she returns from vacation next week.

My friend is coming tomorrow afternoon and I'm both excited and curious to see how I will feel spending time with him. The house is cleaned, and Zoey has had a bath. I look forward to walking around downtown, going out for meals, and helping him spread his parents ashes - that will be meaningful. I hope we get nice weather for that activity on Saturday. Even more so, I hope the winds of passion fuel a fire between us. lol

Halloween-time Happenings

My new neighbors are SO LOUD. Argh, I guess this is my new reality. The man speaks incessantly and is especially loud. Two thoughts at the moment… I will likely make greater use of headphones and YouTube meditation/relaxation channels while I work, and when I'm placed with an infant and they are wailing or yelling at all hours, I will not feel guilty. My previous neighbors were young and relatively quiet, and I was a little worried when I thought about the difficult adjustment to infant/toddler noise.

In other news, I went on a date Wednesday night with a guy about my age who I met online. I had a good time, even though he talked quite a lot for a professed introvert. We had dinner, then went on a pleasant walk around the local neighborhood. We did end up kissing and holding hands, which was nice. At the end, we talked about seeing each other again, but now I'm having doubts. He's fit, but not really my type physically. I'm pretty solid for a woman, and carry a few extra pounds. I prefer a guy to be bigger and bulkier than me. He's cute but I'm not sure if there's enough chemistry there, though I did feel attraction on our walk.

A definite plus is that he seems to be, not just open, but positive about the idea of adoption and being in a parental role again (he has a 22-year-old son in college). Oh, and he "vapes;" isn't that weird?  Do any of you know people who do that? I guess it's healthier than smoking and doesn't have the smell, but it's still an addiction and not awesome to be around.

As far as I know, my friend from the central coast is still coming next weekend, as well. I haven't heard from him at all, which makes me wonder if he's positive he wants to come up. I think I'll give him a call in a little while.

No big Halloween plans. I may wear some sort of minor costume on the actual holiday. I need to find out when is the official trick-or-treat night around here so I can have some candy available. I do love to see kids costumes. It's strange thinking back to the last two Halloweens...The last one dressing up and watching a movie while handing out candy with my roommate, and the one before doing the same thing but with S. I'm pretty sure this year Zoey and I will be solo.

A Visitor

I'm writing a short post before I need to get ready for church. Looking forward to our small group support circles starting next week, which will add to my sense of local connection.

I also have some interesting news about a past connection coming to visit… When I lived on the Central Coast, I had a good friend, RC, who I met through a dance community. He lived not too far from me, and we would carpool to dance, attend community events, and sometimes get together for dinner or hiking.  When we first met, he was interested in possibly dating, but I was focused on someone else at the time. After that, it seemed like he usually had a girlfriend, and my efforts at ttc'ing also were perhaps a barrier.  

I do remember at one point talking with him about being my donor… He previously had a vasectomy though, so that would have been, not impossible, but, too complicated. We were not super close best friends, but good friends, and I remember he helped me pack up and transfer things to storage before moving to the Bay Area. We have been Facebook friends and talked here and there over the last several years, but hadn't talked for probably a couple years at this point. 

Then, the other night, I had this, well, fairly tame but none-the-less erotic dream about him. In the rosy afterglow lol, I felt compelled to reach out to him and see how he was doing. Interestingly, he said he had just been thinking of me, as well. We had a good catching up phone call, and we decided we would like to see each other. So, long story short, it looks like he's coming to visit weekend after next! 

I'm not holding much expectation, but it's something fun to look forward to and, at the least, it will serve as a catalyst to get my house in order after this period of neglect. More details to come later...

Hanging on

The past couple of days were super stressful, but I'm feeling better and more hopeful today. The stress is related to finances. I told a friend yesterday that I feel like I'm hanging on, trying to plug up leaks in my life raft until I can get to safety.

I feel I have done everything I can do in terms of applying for jobs in my field (after losing my part-time college hours a year ago). I applied for two more recently. And I actually landed another part-time job! But it feels like it's taking FOREVER to find out if I have an assignment this semester or not. I'm trying to keep grounded and calm but when those leaks keep springing up, it's hard.

Then my battery died at work last Wednesday - I think I left my overhead light on - and, after getting help jumping it and driving it home, it was dead again the next morning. I might have left the light on again? That would be so so embarrassing. I'm not sure if I did, though. In any case, I had to get two more jumps yesterday, the second from my insurance roadside assistance. After that one, I drove the car around for a looong time to make sure I had done everything I could to charge it. The guy told me my hybrid only charges when driving 25 mph or faster. I had no clue!

I have yet to try and start it today, but I'm going to do it right before I need to leave for my SMC adopt meeting; fingers crossed. The meeting is not in any way official, just three or four of us local SMCs who plan to adopt getting together again for mutual support and learning from one another, but I really hope I can go! If not, I'm stranded at home until I can have the car towed to the shop to get a new battery installed.

I have done everything I can to apply for college jobs, but I have NOT done everything I can to find new clients. The holidays were a super busy time (I could have tried harder though), and it seems few people are receptive to marketing during that time, anyway. Also, another of my clients graduated. Sooo, less income coming in recently. Please think good thoughts for me on Monday at 1pm. I have a phone call with a potential client who actually already said yes in November but then went into rehab. and is just now available. I think it would be great to work with him and feel I can offer beneficial support in his career (and life) transition. I am also getting back into attending networking groups and setting up appointments to meet with people one-on-one who might become referral partners. Longing again for a virtual assistant to help me keep up with the ongoing marketing/outreach cycle...

A couple of updates:

Dating: Turns out the guy I was talking on the phone with is not in any way ready to date. He is underemployed, struggling financially, and I am pretty sure depressed. Put it that way, maybe I'm not ready to date either! (not depressed, though)

Adoption: My second social worker meeting went very well. She asked me the tough psychological questions about my childhood and life experiences. At the end, she said she thought I had experiences that would make me understand and be a good parent for an adopted child, and that I was very self-aware. I felt encouraged! The third meeting, which we scheduled for next Thursday, will be the last interview segment about parenting and discipline, then we will make one more appointment to do the final house review. Before then, I need to figure out my damn finances and get a crib and a couple of other items. I do feel happy about items I've checked off the list, such as the trac phone, medicine lockbox, laundry room lock with toxics inside, family book almost complete, paperwork in, etc.

Care for Each Other's Humanity

Day 3, NaBloPoMo! "If you could be completely honest with no regrets, what would you say and to whom?"

Having gone through a lot of personal growth, including a 12-step program, I don't have a lot of burning emotional issues to express at this point, and I tend to be quite honest. Some would say too honest. I remember in my 20's talking to my Dad (and step-Mom who was my Mom along with my bio Mom - my Dad and step-Mom were always together) about feeling angry and wishing he would have handled my bio Mom's death better when I was a young child. He got rid of all her things and didn't have any of her pictures around. He married my step-Mom a little over a year after my bio Mom's death, and it seemed like he wanted to pretend she never existed. In any case, he said he wasn't going to build a shrine to her, and I said I didn't want a shrine but one picture would have been nice. I eventually got a lot of pictures from my grandparents. I don't regret confronting him with my feelings about that, but if I were to do it now, with two more decades of experience, I would have more compassion and care for him, at the same time asking him questions and sharing my feelings.

In this moment when I think about who I'd like to share some brutal honesty with, it would be a few men I was with sexually (either fooling around or sex) in college and the year or two after, who either took advantage of my being intoxicated or objectified me and treated me as less than a human being. I would like them to be required to listen to myself and other women they had treated badly share their stories and how this self-centered, insensitive bordering on cruel, treatment had made us feel and affected our lives. I didn't expect to share something that heavy, but that's what came up. I know a lot of women have some experiences like I did. I wish we had a better way in our society to guide and prepare young women, and men, to become independent adults and begin having adult relationships with others.

Still in limbo but turning a corner...

I heard back yesterday from the memorial trust and it's a big, "NO." :-(  I could not have felt any better about the interview, but I guess either someone else had more experience or there was an insider candidate. Moving on... I plan to finish my Napa college application this weekend. The application has tons of "extra" questions, which is so annoying. Sorry for the kvetching, but I get so tired of answering the same darn questions over and over and over. At least I can cut and paste some of my previous answers, but these guys went the extra mile and doubled the number of questions asked. boo.

I haven't heard back from Oregon, but since they said they were moving forward quickly, I don't think that is a good sign. I just sent an inquiry and imagine I'll hear back by Tuesday, if not sooner. That interview kind of sucked, so I'm not holding my breath. Moving to Oregon right now would be a HUGE deal, obviously, so I feel mixed emotions about not getting this one, one emotion being content with it. Maybe down the road.

I had a client consultation last week and will likely know if they're a new client on Tuesday. Fingers crossed!! He was shopping Career Counselors though, and said he would be talking to two or three other folks, as well. He did say he liked me, and he's an Introvert so my expertise fits him. I am also leading a meetup group on the 6th and hope to get a few more consultations from that. My budget definitely needs an influx of income, so I appreciate any good thoughts.

Still feeling kind of in limbo. Continuing to enjoy my "for now" part-time resource job with the brain injury support organization. I don't enjoy the paperwork part of it, but the people are so friendly and kind and I feel useful. It's quite refreshing following my last college job where I felt I didn't really belong. The long, stressful commute there and back I will not miss when I leave, which I still hope will be sooner rather than later.

I got motivated last night to find one or two local fun and enriching activities, where I could grow and learn, as well as potentially meet interesting people (especially ones I might want to date). I found a Unity church in the city 15-20 minutes from me that offers a lot of classes, which break the ice in getting to know people as an Introvert. I'm thinking about a Monday night spiritual principles class. I also put out a couple of feelers on local dance classes but haven't found the right fit yet. There are regular dances around here, but again, I need the structure of a class to engage and meet people, at least at first. My favorite is swing dance, so I'm hoping to find a good choice in that arena. Internet dating is so limited, and I'm not connecting with people I really resonate with that way. Plus, I'm feeling the urge for some personal growth.

I still hope to find a regular networking group to meet referral partners for my business, since the one I was attending in the Spring crashed and burned when we didn't get enough members to officially launch the group. We will see. I need to up my current income before I could invest in something else, though.

I'm starting to feel the turn into fall, and I'm ready for it. I guess it's bringing energy to expand and explore new things. Beginning to look forward to Halloween - my second favorite holiday - as well.

Gaining Momentum

I am recovering from my three-day business marketing workshop intensive this weekend.  Whew!  All the information coming into my brain plus hugs and high fives and pairs activities, plus networking on breaks and lunch equals a LOT of energy drainage for an introvert.  I like the group and am excited to "get back on the train" as they say, and start connecting with possible clients again and being of service to men or women seeking a career transition to more meaningful work, aligned with their energy and personality.  My goal is to give 10 free career clarity consultations in the next month.  If you or someone you know might benefit from a 30-minute phone consultation looking at where you are now and where you want to be, and receiving key resources to help you get there, let me know.  No pressure or expectation to sign up for career counseling.

My event was about an hour and a half south, so Friday night, I stayed at S's house, which is much closer to the location.  That was nice.  It was my first time staying at his place.  I met his two roommates - an older woman and man, both single.  They were nice and the place is okay; better than I thought is would be from what S said.  The woman is a bit of a clutter collector but it's generally clean and his room and bathroom are nice enough.  Makes a huge difference for me to try and sleep in a Queen bed versus single with him.  At my house, one of us, me so far this time around, has always ended up on the couch.  But this weekend, he is bringing a queen-size bed he owns out of storage and transporting it to my house.  It has a wood frame, which sounds nice, and it should work much better.

On the family front, my adoption orientation is coming up on Tuesday, November 10th, and I look forward to getting the ball rolling again.  I imagine my next steps will be filling out more paperwork and connecting with a caseworker and setting up a meeting.  On a parallel track, I am talking to a friend of mine about tools to better manage my finances and save some money.  I might be able to get by with very little savings (other than retirement savings through my employer, which I pay into monthly) on my own, but not with a child.  I need to step it up and either earn more in the next few months or tighten my belt, or both. 

That's all for now... Wishing you a Happy Autumn!  

Moving Forward in Fits and Starts

Everything was moved in on Saturday, and now I have the daunting task of unpacking or storing all the boxes.  It's interesting to me that I survived the last several months without any of these items, which shows they are not vital to my life.  Useful in many cases, yes.  Aesthetically pleasing sometimes, yes, but not necessary.  I will admit after all the protests from my housemate about using "her stuff," it does feel good to move all "my stuff" into the dining room and kitchen.  I am back to having an abundance of cups and bowls, versus just the few I bought at the dollar store.

At the moment, housemate and I are getting along in a civil fashion.  Major drama erupted last Thursday, though, when I let her know late night that S might stay over and leave early in the morning for work.  He was wrapping up a conference and had been out with colleagues and I, admittedly after having a glass of wine, thought it would be nice to cuddle, especially since we have been talking about staying over but haven't crossed that line yet.  I texted her as a courtesy but realize now it was something we needed to talk about first.  I was thinking it would be unobtrusive and they wouldn't even see each other, but we do have a shared bathroom.

I think a reasonable response from her might have been saying that she felt it was something that needed to be discussed first and didn't want to be informed right before something was going to happen.  Then, asking me if I could change plans because she really wasn't comfortable with it.  Instead what happened is she turned into a toddler or teenage, I'm not sure which, and started cussing me out and yelling at me.  It was pretty crazy, and I felt really overwhelmed.  I knew if S came over, things would escalate further, so I got a hold of him and cancelled.  I made it very clear to her later that the name calling/cussing at me was unacceptable, and I did not want it to happen again.  I also apologized for not discussing it with her first.  We have since negotiated a couple things, including sharing the living room and S coming over perhaps one night a week on a night she is not there (she stays at her daughter's house two nights a week).  Feeling okay about it right now, but admit I questioned my choice to stay here after she blew up.

S has a couple of key appointments with doctors today, so please send good thoughts.  He hopes to start this round of treatment as soon as possible, so it - and I think the surgery, as well - will be done by Christmas break.  We have been talking about diet and supplements that will support his treatments and healing.  This article was interesting to me, in that it doesn't talk a lot about diet.  It says the most important factors are stress, exercise, staying away from mold, helping others, and levels of Vitamin D.  What do you think?  Apparently, this doc has studied these factors for over 30 years.  I did find a good cookbook along these lines, as well, and plan to use that.

We had a great time Saturday night after he helped me move in.  A friend of mine from the EOL leadership program I did - ironically right after we broke up - was having a 70th birthday party, replete with an Indian feast.  So, we had a drink ahead of time and caught up on our weeks, which was really nice, then headed over and had a lovely evening connecting with conscious, compassionate people and participating in sharing memories and recognizing my friend.  I usually get very nervous to give speeches, even informal ones in front of nice people, but I had some liquid courage at that point, and I think I did pretty well. :)

Tonight, we are going to the Gi@nts game with one of S's work friends and his girlfriend.  S said she's a little odd, so we'll see how things go.  It would be nice to have "couple" friends to do things with.  We've never had that before, other than with our siblings.

Thriving vs. Surviving

This will be a summary of the ups and downs of my recent dating/living situation with C, as well as an appeal to send me some good thoughts about an exciting upcoming event.

So, I lived with C for a couple of weeks and, let's just say, what I thought would happen, did.  Our chemistry ignited and we ended up fooling around several times.  It was fun - really wonderful actually - and I don't regret it, even though it led to hurt feelings, as I also predicted.

When I asked him about staying there, he warned me that a long-time friend - a girl - would be coming into town during that time and he was concerned about awkwardness (there's that word again).  At the time, we were not dating and, frankly, I was somewhat desperate to find a place to stay... plus, I missed him.  So, I over-optimistically reassured him I could handle it, and it would not be a big deal.

Well, when the actual event transpired, we had been hanging out and connecting physically, and I felt more attached.  Plus, I assumed she would spend time there but had no idea she would be spending the night. :-/  Also, he didn't give me enough warning so that I could have made arrangements to stay somewhere else.  Basically, it was really stressful and, yes, awkward and uncomfortable, for me at least, even though she had her 7-year-old daughter with her and I don't think anything sexual happened.  She still slept in his room.  In his bed.  With me down the hall.  Yuck.  I felt he should have done more to acknowledge the impact on me and try to alleviate it - at the least by giving me a couple days warning.

The deeper issue is that the intimacy we shared (not sex but intimacy that felt increasingly loving) didn't change his feelings about commitment and moving forward to being in a relationship.  It didn't seem to increase his attachment to me; whereas for me, it definitely did.  That was a sad and painful realization.  Thus, it was probably good timing to leave for Tahoe and from there move into my house-sitting situation.  We have had a couple of processing conversations since then, but I have decided I am done trying to break through his wall and make him realize he loves me and can't live without me. ha  I faced reality that this will not be happening any time soon, and likely not ever.  I'm moving on and putting my energy towards more productive and mutual situations.  I actually have a date tonight that I'm looking forward to (sort of - ha).

The exciting upcoming event is that I found out yesterday that I have an interview for the full-time counseling position in San.ta Rosa on the 28th!  Yay!  I actually was pumping my arms and exclaiming, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" when I got the email.  Please send me good thoughts at 3 and 4pm on the 28th.  There is a writing part of the interview at 3:15, and the actual interview is at 4... I'm sure it will be a panel interview again, but last time (I interviewed for another position a few months ago) I remember thinking these were the nicest people - and this was the most enjoyable interview - that I had ever experienced in this context.  I do plan to spend a lot of time preparing!

Both professionally and personally, I'm setting my sights on "thriving" versus just "surviving."

Some cliffhangers resolved, others continue...

Sorry to leave several questions hanging and not post for a while... it's been a bit of a bumpy ride.

The place with the woman I mentioned who was open to living with a child ended up going to another candidate.  She was open, but it wasn't her first choice to share a fairly small home with a child and all the necessary equipment.

For the last couple weeks I've been living with the friend I mentioned in the last post; the one I've dated.  I knew it would be challenging navigating the feelings of attraction I still have for him, and sure enough, it has been.  The first week, we ended up making out a couple times (intense! intimate! fun!), which made me feel "mushy" and more attached; not so with him.  At the end of the day, I can be sad and frustrated with him, but it is my job to protect myself.  He does not make it easy.

I leave his place in a week and head to Tahoe to be with family and spread my mother's ashes.  When I come back, I will live in the house-sitting situation... yup, the flea-ridden one, but I guess I can't be picky if I don't want to pay a large sum.  She said she will have cleaners come before I get there (I did mention being concerned about the fleas), so fingers crossed.  A neighbor of hers will be staying in the main house, and I will be in my own studio room with a half bath in the back but sharing the kitchen and full bath, as needed.  She described the neighbor as a bit "innocent" and young for his age, which I'm thinking means a bit slow?  We shall see.  This could lead to some awesome stories later...

I'm engaged in focused searching for a home for August.  I have met two times now with my potential housemate, who is actually having her IVF transfer today, the second time an overnight slumber party visit last Friday.  We ate dinner, watched a movie, and hung out the next day running some errands.  I like her and feel comfortable enough to move forward.  She's a bit more self-contained and less emotionally expressive than me, but that's okay.  We share values, not to mention our ttc journeys.  She actually asked me to give her the first PIO shot!  Crazy, right?  But it was easier than expected.

I'll share more soon, but wanted to give an update.  Some of my life seems in suspension for now, as I just have so much energy and mental space, and not a lot of room to work.  I will come back to it when I can.

A Rough Day

After gearing up for my workshop yesterday on "Career Building as an Introvert," using information from the book, "Quiet," unfortunately no one showed up. :( Last time I did a workshop at this bookstore, I got about 9-10 people but the workshop was more general on career exploration and resumes and the bookstore was at it's old location.  Now, it's downtown, bigger and nicer, but I thought that would be a plus not a minus?  And I assumed they had the same mailing list as before, which they said they did when I asked. 

I don't think it was promoted well - I saw the poster on the outside and it was handwritten and not very clear.  There was a typed one inside but for some reason there were no pictures, when all the other promotional speaker posters had nice pictures.  Maybe that's something I'm supposed to do myself, but I don't think so because the guy who made the posters said something about the owner saying not to put a picture on it because she wanted the title bigger or something (?).  Anyway, it was very blase looking compared to the others. 

But one of my main questions is does the word "Introvert" speak to people?  Will you give me feedback on that for yourselves?  In my workshop context, it's taken from the MBTI personality assessment definition of introvert, and that's what the book is referring to, as well.  Introversion and the needs of introverts can be undervalued and sometimes we need to advocate for and take care of ourselves around work.  Also, needing to choose careers that don't completely wipe us out and to network, if we are job searching, in a way that works for us - focusing on finding like-minded people or quality connections versus a fist full of business cards.  So that's a taste of what I was going to talk about and since something like 35-40% of all people are introverts, I know there are plenty of people who could benefit.  But I need to find the language that speaks to their problems and concerns.  Is it exhaustion and overwhelm?  Do I need to say, "people who are more reflective and deep thinking/analytical and need time alone to recharge" or "more low-key, reflective, quiet types" instead of introvert?  I would love to work with this niche, so any thoughts and feedback welcome.

A couple good things did come out of the experience.  One woman came to the bookstore who didn't know about the workshop so had other plans, but she said she definitely was interested.  We had a nice conversation, and she took my card and said she would like to talk about individual career counseling.  I hope she follows up!  Also, just connecting to the space and the staff at the bookstore was good.  I have another workshop coming up on the 27th that will be more general career exploration, "do what you love" kind of focus, so it was good to talk about promoting that and realizing I need to get them some copy about it, as well.  I mentioned needing a way for them to sign up for it online, and it sounds like that might be possible.  This all feels like a big experimentation/learning process!

Yesterday was a rough day, too, because I had a conversation with C, and he basically said he is afraid of another break up and doesn't want to go through that again.  He said he is clear that he's basically not going to be ready for a relationship for a while and needs time on his own - like to go away on a solo vacation and figure some things out.  I asked if it was that he saw things with us that would not work in the long run, and we would end up breaking up and he said sort of - he wasn't a clear yes on that.  Of course, he would be willing to hang out and likes the "cuddling" (why do guys call it this?  It's basically code for fooling around), but I'm not down with that and said as much.  This all came up because as we spend more time together, attachments are naturally starting to happen and it was feeling more "serious."

I think he does have commitment issues based on past stuff, but I think a piece of it is definitely what happened around me getting "triggered" or emotional and wanting to process at times.  He's just not down with that.  I definitely need someone who is down with that.  And who shares there own feelings, too.  Not in a critical or disrespectful way, but with some consciousness and taking responsibility for our own "stuff."  Anyway, I'm sad.  Even though I see the logic in it, I'm sad.  Because I was attracted to him, and we had a lot of playful fun when we were together.  And the dancing, don't get me started on the dancing.  It was so incredibly awesome.  But you can't build a relationship on dancing, right?  So, yeah, no way around it, I'm sad and I'm going to miss him. :(

Ongoing Trials and Transitions

Just riding along on this freaky transition train, holding on as best I can!  I met with the owner of the co-housing home again a couple days ago to introduce her to Zoey.  Everything went fine on that front.  Then, we talked for a while and she explained why she was kind of ungrounded when talking about it before.  Basically, her partner has a great job and loves living in Canada, and they have a great house up there, but she has reservations and for understandable reasons is still attached to this area.  One of her two sons works in SF and the other, as mentioned, will be attending UC Davis in the fall.  As if that wasn't enough, her mother is also living in an independent living facility in a town not far from the cohousing community (but she's not totally independent and needs some regular help). 

She is under a lot of pressure with this whole medical situation, too, and the timeline of the surgery, etc.  In our last contact, she said she has a doctor's appointment on June 2nd which may give her a better idea of her immediate future in the Bay Area and asked if she could talk to me after that.  I said okay.  For my part, I got clear in talking to friends that I would like to have the opportunity to housesit for two months, regardless if we went forward with the housesharing step after a month or so.  That would at least give some stability and time to connect with the community to see if I might find other opportunities there.  Or alternatively find another place.  So, it's a waiting game until after the 2nd. 

Meanwhile I continue to look and follow up on other places, like the Albany house.  No word on that yet, either.  I connected with a lovely single mom who has a 17-month-old little boy.  But her budget is pretty modest and there are a lot of unknowns with that scenario: how will we get along in terms of lifestyle?  Can we even find a place in that rent range (I can pay 300 or 400 more, which makes sense considering one extra room would eventually be my kid's but still doesn't give us much to work with)?  How will her little boy do with Zoey?  etc.  But I think we will still meet up later this week, as we had a really nice first phone call. 

I'm feeling worried because I am now officially over the one-month mark negotiated with my friend (unless there was a set date to move into a new place sometime in June), so I guess I need to bring that up with her.  Some good news from one of the credit agencies that one item has already been removed from my report.  Yay!  I don't know which one but each one matters in the score.  They have until about June 21st to complete their investigation though.

I also am ready to share that I am pissed off at the guy I was dating.  We did talk Tuesday and Thursday but haven't heard a word from him yesterday or today.  On Thursday I asked him to go to dinner with me (using this Amazon deal I have that I had mentioned to him before), and he immediately started scrambling and saying something to the effect that he didn't know about this weekend or he is busy this weekend or something.  Yuck.  Not the response you would like to hear when putting yourself out there and making a romantic gesture. 

We have had ups and downs the last couple weeks, basically around me wanting more reassurance and communication from him - to know what's going on with him.  He's not very communicative emotionally and definitely lives on the side of the less words needed to communicate something the better.  When we are in person, as mentioned, I have felt a lot of attention from him, chemistry, connection, ease of communication overall.  I know his job is super demanding and time consuming, but I don't think that prevents him from communicating here or there if he were truly interested, does it? 

I think he has doubts and maybe has decided he doesn't want things to go forward based on a conversation we had, after spending some intimate time together, in which he was kind of distant and matter of fact, which triggered me, and I pushed for connection and to have the chance to ask what was on my mind.  It did not go well.

So then it was touch and go, with conversations about compatibility and me wanting to "process" more than he does... then we got together last Monday and, as it always does when we're together, it felt fun and just flowed well, so we decided to keep seeing each other but take a step back and not be as intense physically.  He said he wasn't ready to "dive into" something at this point.  I asked him if he saw that potential with us, though, and he said yes and said a couple other nice things about having a family.  I wish you guys could be a fly on the wall when we are dancing or just hanging out together because to me it shows a lot of chemistry and that we like each other.  But maybe he is scared and that outweighs all that. 

So, yeah, I'm sad and hurt and confused, even though I have guesses as to what's going on.  I know two days isn't theoretically all that long to not hear from him, but I also wrote him an email about a dance class, so those two things are just sort of hanging out there and it doesn't feel good.  Thanks for listening, and I'm open to feedback. 

As the Dating World Turns

OMG, dating can be such a soap opera, or is it just me?  So, we went out again last night and, after having SO much fun dancing again, we went out for drinks/dinner and had more good conversation. 

I was able to talk to him about my feelings without blaming him.  I basically said that, though we hadn't been dating long and were still getting to know each other, we also had shared some intimate moments and that, while the current situation of texting during the week seemed to be working for him, it wasn't really working for me.  That I felt some anxiety that not everyone would feel, but it would be really helpful to have a couple phone calls during the week or a longer email to connect with each other. 

He was open and amenable and heard me and also explained how the last couple weeks are not typical in that this campaign he has been working on has huge repercussions for labor rights and that the other candidate is funded with big money from the Koch brothers (if you are familiar with these scoundrels).  Also, I did not know he is actually the President of the rapid transit union.  Lastly, he said he, in fact, texted a couple of times wanting to spontaneously meet up but I had my adoption class - this is typical guy thing of not letting me know what he was thinking, but I was glad to find out! 

Thus, we came to understand each others' perspectives, and I feel confident we will be moving forward into more commitment and time together.  We continue to have very good and growing chemistry, which feels exciting and fun - and a relief to not be talking myself into a less-than-adequate level of attraction.

As a side note, I have my first meetup group Wednesday for women in career transition.  Please send good thoughts!  I am nervous!  I hope to present some helpful information and activities and sign a few women up for my 8-week paid group.

I don't think he's that into me

I'm going a little crazy over here.  I've never been very good at game playing or, more accurately, "playing it cool."  When C and I went out the other night (and the couple of other nights as well) it seemed like he liked me.  He was affectionate and initiated kissing.  We had all that fairly deep conversation at the bar.  But then we separate and I get very very little positive reassurance.  We texted a little last night at my initiation.  Then tonight he texts at like 9:30 and says this week will be long days for him.  Fine, thanks for letting me know.  I ask if it's because of this campaign he's working on and he said yes, that and other things like a meeting tomorrow, etc., and he asked how I was doing.  I said okay, but a little sad and I had just gotten back from my adoption class.  He asked about the sadness - whether it was a mix of thoughts and feelings, so (and this may be the part where I didn't "play the game" right) I said it might be hormonal ha, and because of the ongoing transition, and because of the feeling of intimacy between us and then separation.  I was being real.  That's the truth... I kind of miss him and think of him and when you are close with someone as far as making out, I don't think it's strange to feel some connection/attachment.  But apparently I'm not supposed to admit that or something.  I don't know because his next text *completely* ignored that part of what I had said.  He basically said sorry, and he hopes I feel better or some stupid-a$$ thing like that.  Clearly, I'm a little vulnerable and sad feeling and it's converting to anger.  Anyway, fine, so he's not that into me - maybe a little into me but seemingly not a lot.  So what do I do?  Just try and forget about him?  Ugh.  Stupid dating.

Good Stuff, Bad Stuff

I'll start with the good... I had another fun date with C last night.  I actually was a little wound up and frustrated with him for not communicating with me the day before.  Which really wasn't fair because we had communication, mainly texting, every day this week except for that day, and he apologized the next morning saying he had started a message to me but got distracted by friends dropping by. 

Part of my reaction was because I had messaged him and tried calling so I felt vulnerable, and also, because we had been communicating every day, I expected a response.  Plus, when we went out a couple times a few months ago, he had just dropped off the radar sometimes and I think not hearing from him triggered that memory.  So yeah, I was kind of irritable on the phone.  But when we got together before our dancing date, it was nice to see him, and we worked out our tension pretty quickly.  He is so. fun. to. dance. with.  He's playful and has good natural ability and cute and expressive moves, he goes along with what I initiate, and we just have a really fun time. 

After we got all hot and sweaty dancing, we headed out to get a drink at this interesting place he knew about not far away.  I guess it started as an art gallery and had all these funky costume type pieces and sculptures, animal heads on the wall (fake I hoped!) and somewhat odd paintings.  They are known for the fresh fruit and juices they put in their drinks so we had Greyhounds with delicious grapefruit juice and big slices of grapefruit on the side.  We had a lot of good conversation about everything, including what's going on in our lives now, as well as our pasts. 

Also, we somehow ended up talking about fertility and how there is a slight chance I could become pregnant with IVF but there are other options like donor egg.  He actually tried to help a lesbian friend become pregnant but it didn't work, so he's pretty open-minded.  I'm definitely continuing my adoption path, which I've shared about with him, but it strange how natural it felt to just chat for a while about all that stuff last night.  I also told him about my 12-step stuff in Seattle related to relationships, and we talked about what makes a good relationship and how to keep it healthy, including using ideas from Gottman, a famous relationship expert.  After all that, he drove me back to my car and dropped me off before first making out with me again.  ha  Pretty full night!

Okay, on to the bad news... well, I guess it's good and bad.  Good because I discovered it and it may be able to be repaired.  Bad because it happened in the first place and has dramatically affected my credit report.  Basically, several accounts were fraudulently opened in my name, including a C@pital One card, a department store card, a cell phone account, and another credit card.  Then these accounts were basically defaulted on.  So, of course this freaked me out this morning! 

I have another appointment with the credit counseling agency next Thursday, and she will advise me how to best file disputes with the credit reporting companies.  Then, they have to respond within 10 days and I'm not sure where things go from there.  If any of you have had this happen or know friends who have, I would love to hear your story.  This issue is a big one for me right now, as I will be trying to rent a home in the near future and landlords usually run credit reports.  So, hopefully I can make progress on resolving this asap!

That's it for now... just continuing to take it a day at a time!

Pushing Through

I wish I could say I was "flowing gently through," but I feel I am pushing through this transition and staying afloat as best I can.  Which includes taking mild anti-anxiety medication for the first time in my life to get through this transition.  When I saw my doctor a couple weeks ago, I said truthfully that it felt like if one more thing happened or landed on my plate, I would topple over.  I'm not meaning to whine or act like a victim - I know that many people have gone through times of loss and change equal to and way bigger than the one I'm in, but my threshold of stress management was and has been reached.  I'm not depressed, just a lot of emotion and stress flooding my life and my body.

The main events of course are being told I had to move, then my mom passing away, then being told the move date would not be adjusted due to time lost grieving and traveling to Oregon, then the actual packing and moving into my friend's house.  Which has been a great and much-appreciated place to land but it's clear that her house is a bit over-capacity with me and Zoey and her nephew and herself all living here...I always thought she was an extrovert - and that's what she tested on the MBTI - but living with her, I now feel like she might be on the line or somewhat of an introvert.  Maybe losing her husband a year ago has taken a lot out of her so that she needs more time alone, which is understandable.

In any case, I talked with her about timing and it's clear I need to move within a month, maybe a month and a half.  And I was so clear and feeling so positive about finding a place that would allow me to adopt in the next few months to a year, but one of my avenues towards that just fell apart.  Basically, the guy I had been talking to, who had a psychology background and had expressed openness and even interest in living with a little one, admitted last night on the phone that he probably wasn't ready to partner on a lease for a house with me.  He recently moved back from Canada and is rebuilding, and renting a room is more his speed at this point.  Great, guy, glad you got clear, but now I'm sort of back at square one.  I had been finding a few 3-bedroom places that were in our rent range, but there are ZERO two-bedroom places in my rent range.

There is still this one option in Albany, living with a woman I met through my Transition Town work... the people currently in the house are suddenly packing up and moving to Europe but are not sure exactly when... maybe next month, but then often the landlord takes a month to turn the place over. :( It's out of my control.  I know if there were a specific move date in late June or possibly even July 1, I could hold out that long at my friend's house but not any longer.  The other avenue is continuing to look for a two-bedroom "suite" within a shared house, which I will go back to doing.  And re-post what I'm looking for on a couple of housing boards.  Late last night, I also found myself looking at jobs at the University of Oregon and the community college in Eugene.  Maybe feeling so "out there" and untethered makes me want to run home.

Well, enough venting and kvetching... I want to share a couple positive things that are also happening:

• My Career Transition Success Group is moving forward and will be posted on meetup on Friday.  I'm charging $247 for eight two-hour guided support sessions.  I hope to get at least 6-8 women signed up at our free workshop May 20th.  Please send good thoughts!

• Adoption classes are great!  On the one hand, one might think these would add to my load, but actually they are buoying me up and energizing me, because I'm moving toward a deeply-desired goal.

• I went on a third date with C, the guy I went dancing with a while back and was attracted to but then chose to focus on the other guy, S, who I ended up dating for a couple months.  Anyway, it was his birthday Saturday night, and we went to dinner and drinks and talked a lot and ended up making out in my car.  ha!  How old am I?  Anyway, it was fun.  He texted the next day, and I imagine I'll see him next weekend.  I wish he were a little more expressive - he can be hard to read - but he holds space well for sharing and for me expressing my feelings, which feels good.  And he's cute. :) He has long-ish (medium long) hair, which is unusual for me but it's nice hair - kind of blondish, thick, and wavy - and he mostly wears it pulled back, so I like it.  Now the facial hair could go or at least use some shaping/trimming but that's a minor thing that could likely be influenced later.  lol  He's very progressive and a labor leader for the local transportation system.  I have always said I need an intellectual lumberjack type, and he seems to fit that bill pretty well.  But it's early, so we will see.

That's it for now.  Today, I'm going to grade papers (two more weeks of the semester - yay), read books to prepare for my career workshop/class, and focus on finding housing.  And try to keep pushing through...