7/23/2016

An Eventful Last Week - Friends, Family, and Fertility

My trip to Oregon was awesome! Three favorite parts:
  1. Meeting with three awesome friends Friday night at a local wine bar/restaurant and a fourth joining us at the end (these were my peeps throughout the weekend). We immediately launched into familiar dynamics and reminiscing and laughter. So fun! I forgot how funny my high school friends were! It's been 15-20 years since I had seen two of them, so it's pretty amazing we just picked back up and felt close right away. We went on to have an awesome time connecting with our other classmates at the pizza parlor we frequented in high school, especially after football games - it hadn't changed! 
  2. Walking downtown to the Saturday Market the next morning with my brother, sis-in-law and two little nieces. A nice outing in beautiful Eugene, time to catch up, and a tasty crepe breakfast down at the market. Here's a pic from our outing (sis-in-law is taking pic). 
  3. Walking down to pick up my older niece and nephew - My Dad was out of town, so Zoey and I enjoyed staying at his condo, which is three blocks down from where my sis now lives in Mom and Dad's former house - then walking to the mall across the street to have lunch and paint pottery. Love being creative with kids! My poor niece, J, was feeling under the weather but with some liquid ibuprofen she toughed it out. She painted me a snake after I had raved about a snake my nephew had painted back at their house, which was so sweet. I can't wait to get my snake and place it in a place of prominence in my house! My nephew, E, was so cute and painted a sporty football with both he and his mom's name on it for her birthday, so they could place it in the trailer they've recently acquired and have loved spending time in lately.
After this trip, I am optimistic that my closest high school friends and I will stay in better touch. There were a few other friends with whom it was nice to hang out, as well, including one who works at the state university in Bend and said she could help me get a counseling job there (!). I could theoretically rebuild my business anywhere... My family had a house in Bend and goes there regularly, and I've always loved the area. But on the negative side, I feel like I just got settled here in this house with my new housemate, plus my plans to become preggo in the near future at CA Conceptions clinic not far from where I live. If I did get the job, though, it would pay well, and I could probably fly down for procedures and get a lot of testing done locally. We will see... I'm not sure if maybe I wasn't just feeling the love from the reunion and wanting that to continue.

Speaking of CA Conceptions, I got my saline sonogram done last week! Woo hoo! It was painful! I think the doctor doing the procedure was not as skilled as he professed to be, as there was another doc in there giving him guidance at times. But he got the job done, and the great news is that I'm all clear! I thought I would be since I had fibroid surgery a couple years ago, but it was great to have it confirmed. I have a small fibroid way in the back of the uterus that he said should not be an issue. I also was weighed and they told me I need to lose *3 pounds* to qualify for the refund option. I should be able to do that, right? Right! My housemate said she could give me a diuretic from her work if needed. lol I feel like a wrestler trying to hit my fighting weight.

I also started my new "for now" part-time job this week - so far, so good after a couple of days. More on that later. Hope you all have a great weekend!

p.s. I finally started my cycle the Friday of my trip to Oregon. It was a pain dealing with it at the events, but I was just so glad to get it, I didn't care. I feel so much better. And the doc saw two cysts on one ovary, which he said probably caused the hormone balance and delay. So peri-menopause is not the culprit on this one...unless it causes cysts? But the doc also said I had very few follicles happening on my ovaries, which aligns with my age.

7/13/2016

Frustrated

OMG, I am so frustrated today! For one thing I was woken up by freakin' house builders readying the outside for the work they'll do on the bathroom this afternoon. It's work that needs to get done, but hammering and power tools is not a great alarm clock or background noise. I'm leaving in a few minutes to work out. I have an interview this afternoon with the brain injury support organization. Seems like a really good "for now" part-time opportunity, and I do hope I get it. But that adds to the stress, of course. Plus leaving for Oregon tomorrow. Plus I *still* haven't started my cycle! I asked my doctor via email and she said her guess was, wait for it, perimenopause. ha Well, I guess it probably is but it's so strange when you experience symptoms you've never experienced in your life. It's also continuing to delay my scheduling the saline sonogram. sigh. Well, better run, thanks for listening to my vent.

7/09/2016

Classic

So, it's been about 5 weeks since my last cycle - 35 days! Argh. Isn't it classic that when you actually want your cycle to come, it won't? I can't schedule my saline sonogram for the C@lifornia Conceptions program until my cycle comes. The past couple days it feels like it might be starting to come but then, no. Please say a prayer to the menstruation gods for me.

In other news, my new housemate, L, moved in and so far, so good! I have had a few little flashbacks of how I used to feel living with the former crazy mean housemate, then I remember and relax. I don't need to worry about every little thing setting her off. I don't need to tiptoe around and try and anticipate her needs or her moods. L apologized yesterday for leaving a cup in the sink - I said, "No worries, I'd like that freedom sometimes, too, when we are in a hurry or at the end of the night." Cool! Communication and easy going-ness. And she likes Zoey! She asked me - of course you can! :) - then took her out on a long walk yesterday and Z loved it, of course. It's kind of cool that she's a nurse, too, in case of an injury or to ask her opinion on health stuff.

On the job search front, I have an interview next week for a resource specialist position with a brain injury organization. I have been applying for a few jobs outside of college counseling and getting more positive responses. It only pays half as much as college counseling :(, but as I tell my clients, it would be a "for now" job. I'm just really wanting to get some more money coming in to supplement my business income before my unemployment runs out, and so that I can move forward with my baby-making plans! My fingers are double crossed that, in the end, I do get a part-time counseling job at the college closest to me, but in the meanwhile, I'm going to branch out and go for other things. I did get two new clients, so that's exciting, too.

Next Thursday, I head to Oregon to see family and attend my 30th high school reunion. I'm a little nervous but mainly looking forward to it. The people organizing it are super friendly and encouraging everyone to come, even if you haven't lost that weight or made a million bucks. lol Zoey is getting vaccinations updated AND a bath and nail trim to get trip-ready before we leave. I am going to get my nails/toes painted and get a haircut. My dad will be out of town most of the time and I'm staying at his townhouse. He stopped seeing my aunt from Nebraska, which we were all glad about, and has been dating an age-appropriate, non-familial, local woman who seems like a great match for him. Funny how men often take up with someone new so quickly, though. My dad had a clear intention to find another partner and didn't want to be alone after all these years being married. Anyway, I'll see him for a day when he comes back and my sister and brother and families will be in town. A couple reunion events are open to all alumni, so my brother is coming to the Sunday afternoon gathering at a well-known micro-brew pub which should be fun.

I'm heading out in a couple of hours to a birthday party for a friend from my 6-month EOL leadership program. She has terminal pancreatic cancer so it's kind of a goodbye party. I feel sad and wish she had a lot more time. We weren't super close but she is a really good person and she made that big donation to my campaign, for which I will forever feel grateful (as I do for all the donations). This one was surprisingly huge, and I'm going to thank her again in a card and look forward to giving her a big hug.

Quick S update before I sign off... He saw the doctor and had an exam a couple days ago and his healing looks great! So he will get the ileostomy reversal surgery. The bad news is that apparently in the month after surgery, it's really tough and he would not be able to travel. He has two trips in October, and he was hoping to have the surgery done beforehand. Looks like he will have to wait until he gets back. But overall, it's great news! We may get together before I leave for Oregon. His birthday is next week. It's kind of strange... he feels like he was the slighted or rejected one in our break-up, even though he was the one who made the decision that he did not want to be a father, knowing how important that was to me. And stated it in no uncertain terms like he was drawing a line in the sand, which to me "felt" like breaking up. As baffling as it is to me, he insists that he did not expect that to lead to a break-up and felt like I "chose motherhood over him." I flat out told him on the phone the other night that I thought that showed a huge ego, and he didn't deny it. Frustrating and sad. I do seem to be in a better place right now and more open to friendship, but I'm not sure we will be able to move into that anytime soon. Time will tell I guess.

Hope you have a great weekend! I'm enjoying reading about all the summer activities...Hopefully I can spend a few hours out at the reservoir with my sister's family when I go home and do some swimming.

7/06/2016

Things on my mind

I'm going to do a bullet post of "Things on my mind." How's that for general? :)

Things on my mind:
  • Good stuff first! I found a housemate! We signed the sub-lease yesterday and she's moving in this evening. After having a couple months on my own, it will be an adjustment, but we are both Introverts and she seems to have really positive energy so I'm optimistic.
  • Also, I had a last minute super-generous campaign donation from a friend, so the campaign total ended at about $2100! Super appreciative and grateful about that. I'm holding funds in a separate account to add to my own savings and hopefully a loan (will apply as soon as a nail down a part-time counseling job). I can schedule the required saline sonogram as soon as my cycle arrives.
  • I signed two new clients last week, leading to the highest week of income yet for my business: $1800. This is great timing, as I have additional costs upcoming with Zoey needing a routine vet visit and grooming, then traveling to Oregon for my high school reunion next Thursday. Oh, and I just remembered I need an oil change, too!
  • In other news, I wanted to follow up on my posts about the online date with the guy who had borderline A$pergers. I did let him know that I would like to be friends but felt we weren't compatible enough for a romantic relationship. I said I would understand if that didn't interest him, since he was looking for a romantic relationship. He hasn't replied, so I think that assumption is true... wishing him well.
  • S find out this Thursday whether he can have the ileostomy reversed surgically in the near future. Despite our tension and lack of clarity right now - we are only talking every week or two - I am still praying for great news and a full recovery for him. Please send good thoughts.
  • I am feeling stressed today... my monthly cycle is due any moment, which I am sure is contributing. The house will be cleaned today for my housemates move-in, and my "clean before the cleaner gets here" is not done and won't be done as I would like. Oh well. Also, I'm heading over to my landlord's house soon (he lives in a cottage next door) to go over and sign a new lease and pay some money. It will be good when it's done but it's kind of stressful and tedious.
Okay that's the news from Lake Martinez (in honor of Prairie Home Companion - Garrison Keeler's retirement). Hope you are enjoying your summer so far.

6/30/2016

Last chance...

It's the last couple of days of my Fundrazr campaign to receive donor embryos through California Conceptions and achieve my long-held dream to become a mom. The campaign has raised $1474 so far, which helps a lot, and I feel grateful!

I was hoping to get closer to $3000, but I think I would need a much bigger contact sphere to get there. I was not willing to put the campaign out to my entire several hundred person FB page because there are many people - professional contacts, people I know vaguely from high school or extended family, like my sister-in-law's mother, etc. - that I don't want to share with at this level. I shared with a sub-group of closer friends and family on FB, through my campaign email list, and on this blog and 25 people have donated, which feels so supportive and encouraging.

I have decided to create an email list of the people who have donated and maybe a few others to whom I will send periodic updates on my continuing journey to become a mom. These will sometimes parallel my blog posts but other times include more specific information about decisions and treatments, etc. Let me know if you would like to be included on the list.

I am posting this campaign link one more time here on this blog: 
Help Kristina reach her dream of motherhood 

If you have not had a chance to donate yet, will you consider donating today if you are able? Any amount is helpful and means a lot to me.

Here is my guest blog at The Lambton Worm if you want to read more specifics of my story:

Hello! Jenny is generously sharing her blog space today so that I can tell you about my campaign to finally fulfill my dream to become a mom. Thank you, Jenny! Before I tell you about the campaign, I’d like to share the story about how I came to believe this path was right for me…
I always saw motherhood as part of my life and who I was meant to be. I dated a lot in my 20s and into my... continue reading

With appreciation,

Kristina

6/20/2016

Well, it's official...

... he is borderline Asperger's. In my last post, I described his bahaviors. When these behaviors continued on our walk - after we were settled at the pub where we were watching the game - I asked him about it. He confirmed this diagnosis and said he didn't even know until he was 50! He now sees a therapist and I am the first woman he has told about it. He also shared how his (alcoholic) Dad hit both him and his mom sometimes :( which I'm sure affected him emotionally, as well.

I like him and I like hanging out with him, but it's hard to imagine being in a serious relationship with him. I feel like he should date someone more like himself, as should I. There are people who do not have Asperger's who are much more thinking-oriented and less feeling-oriented, who wouldn't have the same needs for depth of connection and empathy that I do.

I will say that, although he didn't look quite the same as his pictures - he like many other people put younger pictures up - I did feel some attraction for him and it felt good hugging him at the end. It may sound funny, but I wish I could make his dream come true of a wife and family or at least a long-term relationship. I don't want to be yet another rejection for him.

Another thought... I honestly wonder if S was borderline autistic. He joked about it before. He did have obsessive behaviors and he did have trouble connecting emotionally and empathizing. But he seemed capable and able to at times, so it seemed more of an emotional block combined with his personality type. I think that's probably true. But he did "act" autistic at times, which may have, in a way, desensitized me to some of this new guy's behaviors.

I would really like to find a guy who is deep and emotionally intelligent, with whom I can share intimacy on all levels.

6/18/2016

Someone... interesting

I met someone... interesting. I am of course not completely over S yet, but I got back online for fun and connected with someone I've had a few phone conversations with and am watching the basketball game with on Sunday. I enjoy talking with him and feel comfortable with him on the phone. The thing is, he's not quite normal. I'm not sure *what* the issue is yet, but these are some of the ways I would describe him:
  • Detail-oriented, to the point of sharing mundane details that are not really necessary. 
  • Naive and almost child-like at times.
  • Kind and patient.
  • Cute, at least in his pictures.
  • Smart? He has a Masters degree in social work. And yet, he seems not super sharp.
  • Father was an alcoholic so made the decision to never drink and has kept to that.
  • Asks a lot of questions (which I like).
  • Listens. But doesn't respond a lot with affirmations that he's hearing me or statement of understanding, so sometimes I feel "out there" on the phone after sharing something.
  • Available. Wants to be a father/parent.
  • Has never been married or had a relationship longer than a few months and he just turned 52. 
  • Didn't go to college until he was 35 and got his Masters when he was in his late 40s. Calls himself a "late bloomer" and a "diamond in the rough"
  • Worked as a social services eligibility worker for the last 15+ years and worked as a bank teller for 10+ years in his youth. Works out religiously. Takes pride in his reliability and dependability.
Something is definitely different about him, but I'm not sure if it's a mental or emotional issue or if he's just been sheltered and chosen the "safe" road throughout his life and that's reflected in how he thinks and communicates. He says he has done counseling and obviously if he has his degree in social work, that would involve some introspection and growth. I have had this sense that he's not all there or he's a little "off." But at the same time fun and sweet and I like talking to him. I guess more shall be revealed... It's really nice to be on the same page when it comes to goals in life and having a child.