I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving!
I drove up to Oregon last weekend to meet my new niece, Vivi and see the rest of the family. I would have liked to go for Thanksgiving but my brother, wife, and the new niece planned to be out of town this weekend, so I went a week early. Which left me a bit high and dry for the holiday.
Luckily, my friend Elizabeth came through with an invitation to join her and her family, including a darling five-year-old granddaughter who was very smart and creative and gave me a hug when I left (so sweet!). We had a lovely time, even though they are vegetarian and I missed out on the turkey!
So, not only have I not been blogging much lately, I've been cut off from email as well, due to my hotmail account being blocked. The whole situation has really highlighted how much I depend on email to communicate and stay connected to people. It was like dropping into a void. Has this happened to any of you? I've tried looking up how to deal with it and jumping through all their hoops to no avail. I'm using my g.mail account now and trying to get my new address out to people. What a pain! But maybe a blessing in disguise as I was on SO many lists and now I get to start fresh. If only I can retrieve the saved messages and information in all the files...
In other news, S and I have continued to move closer. We've had many conversations about the past. For instance, he recently admitted that he distanced himself (not consciously) from me by maintaining a kind of arrogant stance that he was better than me in some ways, like had a lot going on with activism etc. This may sound like he's a big jerk, but it was honest and vulnerable, and I appreciated his insight. He said he doesn't feel like that now. I told him I thought it was human and we all judge one another and think we're better at certain things, but that I wanted to be with someone who overall felt that we were equal and thought I was awesome. He affirmed that he did feel this way. :)
Anyway, we're having lots of these types of conversations and also working on researching and deciding on a couple's therapist to see. As mentioned, initially this was to help him understand the impact of his actions and help us trust one another enough to at least be friends. But it's progressed into working on some issues in the context that we might move forward as a couple.
I'm excited AND nervous. I love him. I feel closer and closer to him, as we share at this new level and talk through difficult things. I have a sense that the opportunity may be close at hand for me to choose to accept him, flaws and all. To decide that he's "good enough" and step over the line into acceptance of him and of our relationship. I have done this before in another relationship, so I know it is possible to move into a mental and emotional state of being where I'm not constantly judging and evaluating the person - my defense against intimacy and vulnerability. I think if we decide to get into a fully committed relationship again, that will be the time. Last night we talked about not dating other people, so we are definitely moving forward.
For those of you who have been reading about our relationship and break up(s) this last year, I could definitely understand if you feel concerned or skeptical about this turn of events. I probably would myself. A couple of months ago, I never would have imagined things taking this turn. Life can be very strange. People do change when they are ready and really want to, right? He certainly seems to be much more self-aware, "real," and able to take responsibility than before. I guess time will tell. But I am feeling hopeful at this point.
I have really been lax on posting! I'm not sure what's going on, other than I've been kinda busy and tired. Plus, I feel like I don't have much going directly relevant to my primary blogging community of infertile/SMC/ART women. Oh well. I still love you guys and am following along with blogs. I'm sharing some recent pictures of the Halloween cookies I mentioned in the previous post, me and Zoey on Halloween (she's wearing a bandana saying, "Tricks for Treats!"), and friends and I last night celebrating election results.
- Last weekend, I went to the conference in Vegas and was totally smoked out just walking through the casino in the hotel. That place is the most unhealthy place on earth. Yuck. The conference wasn't that great either, though I met some cool people. We saw an entertaining show one night called, "The Tournament of Kings." I'm sure some of you have seen it, as it's been playing forever. Lots o' horses, pageantry, jousting, and special effects.
- I'm really proud of myself for being brave and directly asking S about what he was thinking and about the amends process that had been put on the back burner. I didn't do this in our relationship before when I should have and this felt like an opportunity for a "do over." His answer wasn't thrilling, but at least it was honest. Thank you, S! I'll probably write more about this situation later but basically he can't likely give me what I would need to trust him again, and he's feeling insecure/withdrawn due to losing his job (with a software startup company), AND I have other doubts. I do hope we can finish the amends process, though, as that would be helpful whether we're friends or just "see each other around."
- I missed Zoey sooo much when I was at my conference! My housemate was primary babysitter, and I wrote him a super long list of information about her care, as well as calling him every day to check in. I was so excited to get home and see her and just felt the biggest surge of joy. The intensity with which I missed her surprised me; definitely more than I've experienced before! Guess we've bonded. ;-)