My new love - Part 3

Before resuming the story of my new love, RC, and me, I have to say that I am so excited that we have reached December! I am loving the T.J.'s peppermint bark and super excited to decorate a Christmas  tree on my birthday week and travel up to Oregon for Christmas. Hello Holidays!

Back to the story...So during RC's visit, we were already thinking ahead to when we would see each other again, and in passing, I mentioned Thanksgiving and my birthday on December 16th. We also had a conversation over the phone about what makes a long-distance relationship sustainable, and one of the main aspects we both mentioned was seeing each other regularly. The last day before he left, we talked a little more about the idea of Thanksgiving. He seemed less than enthusiastic, but as we continued to discuss it, I realized it was because he was worried about trying to put together a full traditional Thanksgiving meal.

One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that he has a thyroid disorder and is on quite a few food restrictions: no dairy, no gluten, etc. It's a little frustrating sometimes, but usually there is something on the menu he can order or adapt to work for him. Once we agreed we would have a "non-traditional" meal, however, I think he relaxed. He definitely wanted me to come see him, and we both were excited as we made plans and the time grew closer.

After I got over the hurdle of doing laundry, packing, etc. and got on the road with my co-pilot, Zoey, it took a little over four hours to get to his house. Arriving and getting settled was the worst part of the trip (I'm noticing a pattern here with me - I think I have anxiety during these kind of transitions). He was finishing cleaning the bathroom when I arrived (!) so was all sweaty and grimy when I arrived. He came out to the car and tried to kiss me through the window - back up, sweaty boy! lol Also, his apartment was very underwhelming. He does know this. He moved there under pressure to find something quickly and considered it "temporary," though he's now been there for two-and-a-half years. It's old with a capital O and run-down looking.  The carpet, floors, and fixtures are worn and unattractive. It has an unpleasant smell sometimes in the kitchen and bathroom because he said the plumbing is really old or something. Yeah, it's not good. But what was I going to do? I was a guest and had to make the best of it, so I did. The two dozen roses he gave me did help a little!

Later, after I arrived home, I had feelings come up about it that I had pushed down while I was there, so I talked to him about it. Though it wasn't the most comfortable conversation, he listened and took it in, and then did some self-reflection about why he had settled for a "sub-standard" (his word) home environment for so long. It was a relief for me to express my feelings about it, as well as my thoughts that it didn't fit him or his level of consciousness, so to speak. I am clear within myself that I would be reluctant to visit him again in that place, though I might, and would definitely not ever live there.

Anyway, moving on, the activities and time we spent during my visit were a little affected by the environment but not too much. I arrived on Thanksgiving, so after getting settled, we had a glass of wine and made dinner. It was delicious! He cooked a thick piece of  salmon to perfection and made delicious mashed sweet potatoes with ghee (clarified butter). I prepared and roasted some brussel sprouts, and we had gourmet chocolate for dessert. Yum! We watched the movie, "Pets," which was cute, while cuddling and giving each other massage, which seems to be becoming one of our things.

The second day, we went out and walked around downtown Paso Robles, a nearby  town, walked through a community craft/art fair that was happening in the town square, and visited a couple of interesting art galleries. When we got back to his house, we had a really deep and meaningful talk that meant the world to me. I shared that I was afraid that my "issues" that come up at times might sabotage our relationship, and he assured me that he was "not going anywhere" and wanted to see where things go with us. It reminded me of the book, "Motherless Daughters," which talks about how someone can come along who is willing to stick it out and get through the triggers that come up around intimacy for women who have lost their mothers. I thought it was interesting the section of that book popped up in my mind.

We sort of "partied" one of the days I was there, but in a somewhat conscious way. We made plans for meaningful activities to do together while we were "feeling good" and did them all, I think. We played a lot of music and made a soundtrack for ourselves. We read a relationship book we had picked up the day before in town and discussed a ritual that would mark our commitment to one another. One ritual, changing our FB status, we completed that evening, and another ritual, getting corresponding tattoos, we may do in the near future. That's definitely a big commitment. A lot of the evening, we sat on the couch drinking red wine and talking and asking each other questions. :)

The next day, we were feeling a little tired but not too bad and went out to a fun brunch. He was being a little "clingy" about me leaving later, but it was cute. After brunch, we came back to the house and took a nap and made love a last time. We are learning more about each other in that area. It's great to experience pleasure, and I think it's an important part of a relationship to share with someone; one that my last relationship did not consistently include. It definitely didn't include all the affection, cuddling, and massage that RC and I share.

Another significant aspect of the trip I want to mention is the interactions of our two beloved pets: his kitty cat, Calvin, and my girl, Zoey. Their initial meeting did not at all go as planned. RC thought that Calvin would be shy and go hide somewhere. Nope. Calvin was very curious! He wanted to see who was this strange creature invading his territory and running around with all this energy? The whole time we were there, he kept an eye on Zoey, wanting to know where she was and what she was doing. A few times, they did come together for a butt sniff or to touch noses, but for the most part, if Zoey tried to come right up to Calvin, he would make a swatting motion with one paw (though I don't think he ever actually scratched her) and she would retreat yelping as though she had been mortally wounded. lol

Whenever I or RC would try and pay attention to Calvin, Zoey would come up and try and be part of the action. Does anyone know what that is? Is she jealous or curious or feeling protective or? It was a little frustrating because I wanted to get to know Calvin better, but for the most part, we were pleased with this first introduction, and they did seem more relaxed as the weekend progressed. We were even able to leave them alone together and they were fine. We noticed they tended to pick up  on our energy and if we were super relaxed, like doing a guided meditation together or just relaxed and talking, they would follow suit and plop down all chilled out. lol

We have had some great and progressively deepening conversations since Thanksgiving weekend, and yesterday, we finalized our hotel booking for Christmas in Eugene! Yep, he's coming with me to Oregon, and I'm looking forward to it. Calvin will have a cat sitter but Zoey is coming with us. He's driving up to my house on my birthday, and we are going to decorate a little Christmas tree and drive around looking at lights, two of my favorite activities. Then, we will drive up to Oregon together on Thursday morning before Christmas and return the following Thursday. We will spend about two straight weeks together - including several days with family - which I'm thinking will be a big leap forward for our relationship, assuming we survive. ha

Thus ends my three-part "new love" series, but I will post again for my birthday and our holiday travels. Wishing you all a festive and fun start to the holiday season!

My new love interest - Part 2

Now, I have a "Part 3" to add, so I am behind on blogging! To finish my thoughts on RC's visit to see me...After we scattered the ashes, we came back to my house and rested then had a really nice dinner - I had sautéed scallops, yum! -  and came back to relax, share some massage and watch television.

I'm so glad he stayed the extra day because our conversation and connection deepened through the activities of the last day in which we had brunch and drove around to different places where his parents had lived back in the day. I enjoyed the car ride, listening to music and having meaningful conversation about past relationship patterns. I shared about how I can become anxious at times and generously share this anxiety lol by becoming critical or almost picking a fight. He shared more about his first wife who had a pattern of always having some kind of physical ailment that required him to act as a caregiver.

The last night, we slept in the same bed, which was nice. I feel physically comfortable with him and very much enjoy cuddling with him, which my ex, S, and I were never able to do well for various reasons. It's like I'm rediscovering physical closeness and cuddling; I missed it!

The next day, I had to get ready for work but had coffee with him and shared sweet little conversations throughout the morning. As a side note, he really likes Zoey and Zoey loves him, which makes our time easier and more comfortable, as well.

From when he left until before Thanksgiving, we shared several texts throughout the day filled with lovey dovey language and expressions of romance and care. He has consistently written a long, thoughtful text in the morning and in the evening, before bed. I love receiving these! And appreciate his way with words and openness in expressing his feelings. Our texts also end with lots of emoji hearts and kisses - it's that mushy stuff that's annoying unless you're the one doing it. lol 

We also had several authentic conversations, helping to know each other more deeply. I shared that I wanted his full attention at times when I am sharing something meaningful, versus how sometimes he multi-tasks, talking with me and cooking or doing dishes, etc., and that I like questions to help me express myself more fully. When we have had tension come up a couple times or one of us feels a little triggered, we have been able to share vulnerably and talk through it. So important and welcome to me!

I'll end Part 2 there, and return later for Part 3...

Someone... interesting

I met someone... interesting. I am of course not completely over S yet, but I got back online for fun and connected with someone I've had a few phone conversations with and am watching the basketball game with on Sunday. I enjoy talking with him and feel comfortable with him on the phone. The thing is, he's not quite normal. I'm not sure *what* the issue is yet, but these are some of the ways I would describe him:

• Detail-oriented, to the point of sharing mundane details that are not really necessary. 
• Naive and almost child-like at times.
• Kind and patient.
• Cute, at least in his pictures.
• Smart? He has a Masters degree in social work. And yet, he seems not super sharp.
• Father was an alcoholic so made the decision to never drink and has kept to that.
• Asks a lot of questions (which I like).
• Listens. But doesn't respond a lot with affirmations that he's hearing me or statement of understanding, so sometimes I feel "out there" on the phone after sharing something.
• Available. Wants to be a father/parent.
• Has never been married or had a relationship longer than a few months and he just turned 52. 
• Didn't go to college until he was 35 and got his Masters when he was in his late 40s. Calls himself a "late bloomer" and a "diamond in the rough"
• Worked as a social services eligibility worker for the last 15+ years and worked as a bank teller for 10+ years in his youth. Works out religiously. Takes pride in his reliability and dependability.

Something is definitely different about him, but I'm not sure if it's a mental or emotional issue or if he's just been sheltered and chosen the "safe" road throughout his life and that's reflected in how he thinks and communicates. He says he has done counseling and obviously if he has his degree in social work, that would involve some introspection and growth. I have had this sense that he's not all there or he's a little "off." But at the same time fun and sweet and I like talking to him. I guess more shall be revealed... It's really nice to be on the same page when it comes to goals in life and having a child.

Rough Week

The day before Halloween... no big plans this year, except dressing Zoey in a taco costume (hehe), handing out some candy, and going out in our small downtown for a drink.  This will likely take place with S, but honestly, we have had a bit of a rough week.  We tried contacting our previous couple's counselor for support around communication in conflict, and some stuff came up about how S saw her over a year ago to deal with the anger that came up in his relationship at the time (which he shared with me and said was part of what made him work on it and realize how badly he had treated me those last couple months we were together).

That's not the issue, however.  The issue is that apparently he tapped into a really vulnerable place, then abruptly ended his work with her and didn't show up for his next appointment.  So, before she was willing to work with us again, she said she needed to see him individually a final time to have closure and talk about what happened to make him stop so suddenly.  Initially, we both thought that was a little weird - like she wanted to work out her own feelings on his dime.  But after talking to her a bit more, we both felt okay with it and an appointment was scheduled for yesterday.

Shortly after that, though, he had feelings come about something I said about a past lover.  When I said it, we were both sharing in a lighthearted way, and after my share, he told me something about one of his exes, as well.  So, it seemed like his jealousy pattern surfacing, which made me nervous.  We talked about it but it wasn't completely resolved, then we had a difficult phone conversation where I wanted him to be more present and he was frustrated that, in his view, I was trying to script the conversation.  He did have a point, but the way he spoke to me sucked.  Instead of just saying what he thought, he started trying to make a case how no one he had been with before had ever acted like this and asking me if anyone I had known had done this, etc.  Blech.  You don't need to try and make me feel messed up to make your point.  I already know I'm messed up!  lol  And so are you!

Anyway, I wish I/we could have had humor at that moment, but the call ended badly.  He's been distant and unavailable the last couple days, now he says he's clear and wants to reconnect and talk tonight.  But why should he get to call all the shots like that?  Is this setting a precedent for his behavior?  I am feeling the need more than ever for ground rules and accountability around communication, whatever that may look like.  We were generally communicating really well until this week, so I did joke that contacting our past counselor unleashed something evil and unholy.  Wish us luck.

In other news, through a lot of hard work and talking to several people in my business program, I made headway on defining the types of clients I want to work with through my career counseling business.  I'm refining my wording and maybe I'll share the finished product in my next post.  The idea is you want your ideal client to be crystal clear to people, so they can think of clients to refer you.

I'm still not sure when I'll be visiting Oregon, but I am missing them and especially my nieces and nephew.  My sister sent an email this morning giving an update about our cousin's husband who is having brain surgery today; his second one in five years.  She said he is having his entire frontal lobe removed.  I'm wondering how he will function?  I am sad and have been sending prayers all day for the best possible outcome.  Makes you realize how precious life is, and I think that is making me want to see my family more. 

As the Dating World Turns

OMG, dating can be such a soap opera, or is it just me?  So, we went out again last night and, after having SO much fun dancing again, we went out for drinks/dinner and had more good conversation. 

I was able to talk to him about my feelings without blaming him.  I basically said that, though we hadn't been dating long and were still getting to know each other, we also had shared some intimate moments and that, while the current situation of texting during the week seemed to be working for him, it wasn't really working for me.  That I felt some anxiety that not everyone would feel, but it would be really helpful to have a couple phone calls during the week or a longer email to connect with each other. 

He was open and amenable and heard me and also explained how the last couple weeks are not typical in that this campaign he has been working on has huge repercussions for labor rights and that the other candidate is funded with big money from the Koch brothers (if you are familiar with these scoundrels).  Also, I did not know he is actually the President of the rapid transit union.  Lastly, he said he, in fact, texted a couple of times wanting to spontaneously meet up but I had my adoption class - this is typical guy thing of not letting me know what he was thinking, but I was glad to find out! 

Thus, we came to understand each others' perspectives, and I feel confident we will be moving forward into more commitment and time together.  We continue to have very good and growing chemistry, which feels exciting and fun - and a relief to not be talking myself into a less-than-adequate level of attraction.

As a side note, I have my first meetup group Wednesday for women in career transition.  Please send good thoughts!  I am nervous!  I hope to present some helpful information and activities and sign a few women up for my 8-week paid group.

Filling the Void

Happy Hump Day!  "Hump" makes me think of "The Hump Bar" now, which is an establishment on the show "Army Wives"... yes, I have been spending far too much time watching this show.

I had what I thought was a semi-deep thought about TV watching while talking to a couple friends after my InterPlay theatre group last night.  One friend had just returned from two weeks hiking with her family in Nepal (she was not near the avalanche, thank goodness) and was describing how, during the entire trip, she was surrounded by family and other community, including porters who constantly watched her and anticipated her every need.  After returning to her regular life, she felt unhappy with it and depressed that she was returning to watching a lot of TV for relaxation and down time.  She missed the attention and ongoing connection with others.

I responded with sympathy (as I have shared here, I have TV-watching patterns that I question) and also the thought that a "void" wants to be filled.  When something is missing or goes away, other things will flow in to fill the space.  It makes sense.  So, continuing that thought now, it's not necessarily about trying to stop TV watching but about considering other choices that fill the needs for relaxation and connection.  And when you live alone, the connection options are fairly limited, especially when you are an introvert and worn out from the day.  Even introverts, though, need to be seen and heard - need attention and loving on a regular basis.

My work gives me contact with people, but I am in the "giving" mode when it comes to attention and care.  I provide the counseling for the students, and I enjoy doing it.  AND I need, if not counseling, then opportunities to express myself and receive care.  In my last living situation, my housemate, K, and I had meals together on a regular basis; maybe not every day, but at least every two or three days and sometimes more.  Now, somehow, while seeking a "community" living situation, I have created a very similar similar living situation to my prior one, with even LESS connection!

How did this happen?  I think, in part, because it's hard to find the "right" living situation with others, but also because I do need down time by myself to recharge.  I don't think living in a full or "bustling" household would work for me.  I just want one or maybe two other people to connect with at least once a day for meaningful conversation.

In the past, when I was in a 12-Step program, this need for meaningful connection was met through meetings.  When I am in relationship, this need is met through my partner... at least when the relationship is functioning in a healthy way.  When I attend my dance and theatre groups, this need is sometimes met, but often not fully, as group conversation tends to stay on the surface (these groups definitely meet my need for movement and creative expression, however!)  Going out to eat afterwards brings more opportunities, but that generally only happens once a week at the most.  Talking to my brother feels good in terms of connection, but he is busy with his own family and we only talk every two or three weeks.  I have a couple of friends with whom I can talk on that level, but again, we get together every couple/few weeks.

Sooo, in the interim, day-to-day, there is a void, and I fill it with TV.  So shoot me. :) I'm going to cut myself more slack around that, as well as try and create those reflective spaces around it, in which I can consider other choices - journaling/blogging or talking things through out loud into my video phone (to feel more "heard"); maybe a collage or art project (Christmas is coming up), or maybe, when I can afford it, going to see an NVC counselor that could provide empathy.  Maybe I could look at joining another NVC practice group.

Thanks for listening to my reflection and brainstorming around this topic.  It was helpful!  As I wait to be matched with a "little sister," I think it is good timing to recognize I could use more support myself.  I think when I get more support, then I can provide better support for others...

AND, I will try and have compassion for myself around my (sometimes excessive) TV watching.

Houston, We Have Chemistry

I went on two dates this week; one on Sunday, and one last night.  The first one was with a Greek guy (he grew up in Greece and, even though he's lived in the Bay Area for something like 15 years, he still has an accent).  He's attractive but not necessarily my type, and for that reason plus I was kind of smitten with another online guy - the one I went out with last night - I went into into it half-heartedly.  When I first met him, I thought he was cute (cuter than I thought), but then he had a lot of intense energy and was talking over me at times.

For example, if you know me, you know I love the Myers-Brigg$ personality asses$ment, and this came up in conversation.  He told me he took it a long time ago but that his type had changed... Well, part of the theory of this assessment is that your type doesn't change, but that you can get inaccurate results at some point in time due to extenuating circumstance.  The strength of your preference, and your comfort with the opposite preference, will change over time but your true type should not.  Anyway, I was trying to explain that, and he was arguing with me, until he learned that I was qualified to administer the assessment.

Then, we started talking about age in online profiles, and I was saying it bothered me that some men in their 40's/50's say they will date down to 25 and he was kind of arguing with that and saying some young people are mature - yeah, right, not 20 years older mature - and saying that everyone likes younger people.  I don't!  I like my age.  I know there are biological reasons people go for younger looking partners, but I think that's just one part of the equation.  I think more conscious, mature people want someone who is their equal and who are at a similar developmental stage.  Now some men, like my housemate, don't get around to having kids, for one reason or another, until they are 40's/50's and I can see why they might date down to 35, but not 25!

Anyway, that was annoying, but then that conversation led to him saying that he had thought he wanted children, but lately he was rethinking that and he wasn't so sure.  WTF!  My profile clearly communicates that I'm interested in someone who wants a family.  So that just felt like a push-away when he said that, and I became irritated and snappy.  He noticed and asked about it and I told him what he had said that bothered me and if he felt that way, then we clearly were not a match and, basically, "bye bye!"  I can be very direct sometimes!  I was saying it with some humor, but I was also irritated.  Like why would you waste my time?  But then he backtracked and said he was open to it and would like it; that he was trying to be realistic considering the age factor or something.

From then on, strangely, communication was better and our connection was better.  Kind of like it broke the ice.  I continued being direct by asking whether there was chemistry between us - like, "What do you think?  probably not?" again kind of joking.  And we basically talked about hanging out together as friends, and he said maybe I could come over and watch TV with him.  This seems a little funny now, but we had discussed how we both like really good TV series, like Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, Enlightened, etc.

Anyway, at the end of the night, we were walking out kind of joking around a bit and we stopped in front of his car, which was parked right in front of the restaurant, to say goodbye.  I fully expected to exchange a quick hug and be off... so then, out of the blue, he asks if I would like to kiss him.  I felt strangely compelled and curious, and leaned forward and kissed him and then... we were off!  We definitely had chemistry!  It was like this feeling of melting into him, that mushy, yummy, merging feeling.  I did not expect it at all.  We ended up kissing for a while in his car and it was fun!

We have texted here and there this week and are getting together again tomorrow.  I'm not sure what to think.  He's a therapist (and has invested in real estate which he says gives him some freedom) and has a spiritual/Buddhist practice, so that's all good.  And I liked how we could be really direct with each other.  But he can be a bit bossy at times, and also was wanting me to come over to his place that night or the night after and, maybe not have sex, but be intimate, and I felt a little worried at the focus on that and moving too fast.  So I guess we'll see, but that chemistry thing is pretty rare, and I'm glad to be experiencing it!

I will write more soon about the date last night.  It was better in some ways and not as good in others... very different.  I'll also report on Date #2 with my Greek guy...

I survived...

... my orphan Thanksgiving.  ha  It actually wasn't too bad.  A friend of a friend hosted and she was a cool person - an aspiring stand-up comedian with depth - and I enjoyed talking with her about both comedy and my theatre activities before everyone arrived.  Yes, unfortunately I was the first to arrive, but in my defense, it was a half an hour after the start time. 

In any case, when the other people did arrive, they were interesting and easy-to-talk-with... and they brought some delicious food!  I bowed out about three hours in, prior to the games portion of the evening, thinking I should get home to Zoey (but equally because my introvert was tired out).  I talked to S for quite another lengthy and productive conversation earlier in the day, on his way to his dad's, and my brother later in the afternoon.  So, all in all, it wasn't too tragic and lonely.

Today, I had a phone appointment with my counselor, then met with S for lunch.   I'm not sure what to say about everything right now... Suffice to say, we have been able to talk through things, be more open, and admit to our parts in the relationship problems more readily with a little distance, I guess. 

On my side, I am seeing more clearly a part of me that is cold and hard... it comes out when I am anxious and/or uncomfortable, which I was with S's insecurity and what I judged as "neediness" around communication and attention, for example.  I want to soften this part of me so that I can be more compassionate and available with myself and my partner. 

S really appreciated being heard around some things, including that he felt I expected a lot of one-way support when I was focused on other things, like family or work conferences etc. but then hadn't seemed willing to give "care and repair" to the relationship afterwards.  He was able to hear that my anxiety and need to prove that I am "okay" can block my ability to engage and be sensitive/caring at these times - that it wasn't about him, as he kept thinking.  This is just one example of many of these types of insights, which feel like a relief to share with one another.

Going forward, we are still broken up and will be communicating less for a while - we said we would not talk or email for the next week, then check in at that point.  He feels like he will get more traction on his anger (and underlying fear) issues working on his own, and that he needs to do this in order to be available for a healthy relationship.  As mentioned, I want to work on softening this cold part of myself that can be so judgmental and distancing. 

Heading in to the lunch today, I wanted to get a sense of whether we both had some level of hope that we might work through our thorniest problems, opening the door to be together down the line.  Somewhat surprisingly, we both said we did have this hope.  He mentioned two or three months as a possible timeline in his mind. 

While I feel happy about this, I also feel unwilling to put my life on hold during this time.  He made the choice to break up, and there are no guarantees as to what will happen.  So, I am thinking - and told him - that I am going to date or at least be open to meeting other people.  Perhaps this experience will help me feel more sure about my eventual commitment to S.  I will say that I have felt more chemistry and closeness with him, since we have been broken up, which could be just due to relief from the conflict/anger cycle and a feeling of "being on the same page"... and could also be partly due to my going off supplements, including DHEA.

So that's my complicated report.  This weekend, I don't have much planned except for dancing on Sunday.  I'm going to try and get a few things done tomorrow but will also need to get the heck out of the house for a while - maybe I'll go see a movie.  I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving and enjoy this weekend, as well.

Prayers welcome

I would welcome any prayers or good thoughts at this really difficult time with S and I.  We had a blow up based on a situation that happened at my conference this week.  I chose to take a group hot tub with some colleagues (two men and three women, including me) and S felt I was insensitive in how I communicated around it.  He is packaging it with other recent experience and coming to the conclusion that I don't care for him enough, or in the ways that he needs.  From my perspective, he sees things through a lens of fear and goes right to anger instead of trying to share his feelings more openly with me.  I admit I have a low tolerance right now for this pattern, after having experienced it for a long time now.  I'm ready for more stability and consistent closeness.  Does that even exist?  We're taking a week to reflect and regroup.  I want to use this time to go inward and get more clear about my own feelings and level of commitment.  It is a very hard time for us.

Trip Report

Despite a few bumps, this trip was definitely better than the last one! 

We arrived home, after the eight hour drive, about 10:30 last night and proceeded to share a bottle of wine and a plate of appetizers/snacks and process more about the trip.  S's very good intention of solely focusing on supporting me didn't exactly work out.  I think it's impossible to just disregard your own needs, at least over a length of time. 

S was supportive but also wanted my support and attention at certain times in which it was difficult to give.  For example, he offered a couple of times to take care of Zoey's needs while I did a family activity (Zoey did great on this trip btw!).  When he came back and joined us, he wanted some focused attention, such as a smile/kiss and a thank you.  This seems reasonable, however, when you are immersed in play with two little ones, ages three and five, it can be difficult to turn your focus to someone else in this way - at least I've discovered it's difficult for me!  My limitations as an introvert definitely come into play here.  I did acknowledge him and immediately began including him in the conversation, but I didn't give him the "good job!" feedback he was longing for.  He admits this is a need of his that has come up in other relationships and goes way back. 

On my part, I was better able to stay self-connected and was happy I had the wherewithal to remember our intention to support one another and talk through feelings after intense family times.  The last night, however, I kind of lost it when S brought up what to me was a very minor nit-picky oversight of mine to give him that pat on the head after taking Zoey out on a walk while we were at my sister's.  I was in relax and play mode, and I felt like he ruined it.  In retrospect, I was the one that made it a "big deal."  I think I was just tired and really needed some fun.  He felt bad about it and later said he could have just written it down or talked about it at a different time.

Similar to my desire for greater self-connection, he acknowledged that in the future, he wants to have better self-connection and to not choose to do things that he can't do freely, without need of a significant show of appreciation.  I don't know if that's always possible to know ahead of time, but I like his intention to do this.

Overall, I think we did a lot better, though.  We had lots more happy times and much less fighting.  On the way back, we talked about whether we could ever live in Oregon.  We came to the conclusion that we could (and it would be great in terms of being close to nieces and nephews), but we would need a significant in-road or reason to do so.  This might be having our own kid, connecting with an intentional community, or feeling like we could really make a difference there in some way.

Additional fun times with family that I would like to remember:  S and I bowling with my brother, sister-in-law, and baby niece Vivi (well, she didn't bowl :); us going to an Oregon Du.ck basketball game with my dad and other family in their awesome relatively new arena; spending some nice time with my 92-year-old grandpa, who is looking much better after having pneumonia; seeing my aunt and uncle in their new home; holding sweet Vivi and making her smile; and playing charades and reading books with my niece and nephew.   My mom was really sick so couldn't come out and do things with us, unfortunately.

Final note on ttc: I forgot to bring my birth con.trol pills on the trip, but I guess it's okay to start taking them within the first few days of your cycle (I started this cycle on Saturday, dashing the ever so small hope we had).  My polyp surgery is still scheduled for the 8th.

Happy Birthday to Me, and Happy Holidays!

I had a great birthday, though I can't say I'm excited about turning another year older!  The day started with brunch at an English pub.  S and I met a friend I know from my dance group.  She had actually organized the brunch, cancelled when not many people could come that day, then went ahead with it when she found out we would be coming, which was totally cool.  Her husband was originally going to join us but could only stop by for a minute.  We had a good time, though, and then another interesting couple dropped by for breakfast and a chat.

At the end of brunch time, my friend and I broke away for a half hour to talk.  We had been trying to connect for the prior week, as she wanted to discuss motherhood issues coming up for her around a family member becoming pregnant.  She reads this blog and knows my feelings and efforts in this area, so wanted to connect with me about it.  Her husband doesn't want kids, but understandably she hoped this might soften over time.  I feel for her and hope that something in the situation might shift as what she wants draws into clearer focus.  We discussed how, while it's not foolproof, sometimes it seems that one person's position can change when the other person becomes really clear about their own needs or desires.  Or maybe something will shift in her own feelings.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the morning of good food, good company, and meaningful conversation.  We headed off from there to watch "The Hobbit" movie.  I enjoyed it!  I guess it's described as "cartoon" violence, and this violence doesn't tend to bother me in the same way.  The science fiction, other-worldly aspect is fun... and I love Gollum!  He's such an interesting character from a psychological perspective - so broken and delusional.  We all have Gollum within us!  ha  

Finally after heading back to my place for some Zoey care, S and I went to a very nice dinner in our favorite neighborhood.  The same restaurant we chose for his birthday a year and a half ago!

* As a side note, this is one example of many "do-overs" we're experiencing, which feel quite healing.  Opportunities to experience something similar but from a radically different (and happier, healthier) place.  My whole birthday and hopefully the rest of the month including Christmas are actually "do-overs" in that sense, as we broke up at the beginning of December, casting a pall on the entire month last year (as many of you might remember).

But back to dinner... we actually had a lot of deep conversation over wine and delicious food, including talking about our possible paths to parenthood:  we both still feel a desire for a biological child, could also imagine adopting, and can even consider the possibility of living child-free, though this is not either of our preferences.  It's amazing to me I am able to even try that last one on, but I have done so, as I think I've shared here, entirely separate from him.

We ended with a yummy tart with ice cream and chocolate cake dessert split.  He gave me presents of chocolates, a book, and a trip to wine country, but I swear, going out to dinner makes me as happy as anything.  Eating out more often is definitely one of the perks of dating someone, in my book.  I'm laughing at myself!  Ah well.

I need to wrap this up and head to bed.  I did want to share that we've had two counseling appointments, and this is going remarkably well.  So far, we are able to maintain closeness and not become adversarial, which I was a bit worried about.  Also, we are getting to the heart of some of the issues that affect us, including his responsiveness to intense sadness or other strong emotions I may feel, and my grief and anger (yes I still have some anger) about the shock and pain of our break-ups.

And lastly, it took me longer than anticipated, but I did eventually rev up into the Christmas spirit.  My little tree is decorated (see below), gifts bought and sent, cookies made.  Really looking forward to going to a couple of friend and family events on Christmas and having S with me.  Glad to not be leaving the Zoester either.  I miss her when I don't see her for two or three hours; whole days are brutal!  Here are a couple fairly recent pics of my sweetie pie.  :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving!

I drove up to Oregon last weekend to meet my new niece, Vivi and see the rest of the family.  I would have liked to go for Thanksgiving but my brother, wife, and the new niece planned to be out of town this weekend, so I went a week early.  Which left me a bit high and dry for the holiday.

Luckily, my friend Elizabeth came through with an invitation to join her and her family, including a darling five-year-old granddaughter who was very smart and creative and gave me a hug when I left (so sweet!).  We had a lovely time, even though they are vegetarian and I missed out on the turkey!

So, not only have I not been blogging much lately, I've been cut off from email as well, due to my hotmail account being blocked.  The whole situation has really highlighted how much I depend on email to communicate and stay connected to people.  It was like dropping into a void.  Has this happened to any of you?  I've tried looking up how to deal with it and jumping through all their hoops to no avail.  I'm using my g.mail account now and trying to get my new address out to people.  What a pain!  But maybe a blessing in disguise as I was on SO many lists and now I get to start fresh.  If only I can retrieve the saved messages and information in all the files...

In other news, S and I have continued to move closer.  We've had many conversations about the past.  For instance, he recently admitted that he distanced himself (not consciously) from me by maintaining a kind of arrogant stance that he was better than me in some ways, like had a lot going on with activism etc.  This may sound like he's a big jerk, but it was honest and vulnerable, and I appreciated his insight. He said he doesn't feel like that now.  I told him I thought it was human and we all judge one another and think we're better at certain things, but that I wanted to be with someone who overall felt that we were equal and thought I was awesome.  He affirmed that he did feel this way. :)

Anyway, we're having lots of these types of conversations and also working on researching and deciding on a couple's therapist to see.  As mentioned, initially this was to help him understand the impact of his actions and help us trust one another enough to at least be friends.  But it's progressed into working on some issues in the context that we might move forward as a couple.

I'm excited AND nervous.  I love him.  I feel closer and closer to him, as we share at this new level and talk through difficult things.  I have a sense that the opportunity may be close at hand for me to choose to accept him, flaws and all.  To decide that he's "good enough" and step over the line into acceptance of him and of our relationship.  I have done this before in another relationship, so I know it is possible to move into a mental and emotional state of being where I'm not constantly judging and evaluating the person - my defense against intimacy and vulnerability.  I think if we decide to get into a fully committed relationship again, that will be the time.  Last night we talked about not dating other people, so we are definitely moving forward.

For those of  you who have been reading about our relationship and break up(s) this last year, I could definitely understand if you feel concerned or skeptical about this turn of events.  I probably would myself.  A couple of months ago, I never would have imagined things taking this turn.  Life can be very strange.  People do change when they are ready and really want to, right?  He certainly seems to be much more self-aware, "real," and able to take responsibility than before.  I guess time will tell.  But I am feeling hopeful at this point.

Summer Dating Diaries - Part 2

It's been a hit and miss (mostly miss) kind of week on the dating front....

The cute, single guy from my dance class turned out to be the transient, totally unavailable guy from my dance class.  :(  Also, he was actually pretty "out there," and I consider myself very open-minded!

He did come to my Interplay class, but when we hung out and went to dinner afterwards, several odd things unfolded.  After the class, which was pretty fun, we were in my car talking about where to go to eat, when this car drove up and stopped right next to my driver's side window.  It just sat there for a minute, then drove on and parked in the next block across from where his car was parked.  Then, a guy got out and started casing his car!  Shortly afterwards, a couple guys walked by close to my car and looked directly in at us.  It's a bit of a sketchy area to start with, and it just started to feel like something weird was going to happen.  So, I drove him to his car and we left.  During this whole experience, he continued to seem kind of spacey, and I oddly felt like I needed to take care of him.  I found out later that he hadn't eaten much all day, which I'm sure contributed to his spaciness.

Once we start driving, he calls to say he's out of gas.  So, we find a gas station and finally make it to the Indian restaurant nearby (which he'd specifically requested due to his dietary needs).  Whew!

At dinner, we talk a bit about our past histories, and I find out he has an 18-year-old son...and no interest in having any more kids.  Our potential has pretty much fizzled at this point, but the oddness doesn't stop...

I should mention that we did have some strong chemistry, which I think distracted me from the fact that I could tell in our first conversation that he was in transition and not really available.

Back to the end of our date... we walked over to where he'd parked in Trader Joe's and continued to talk, when he tells me that he's not feeling a good fit where he's living right now and may leave town the next day.  Just then, a concrete umbrella stand slips loose from the employee's dolly right next to us and slides into his hubcap, cracking part of it.  It could have been a lot worse if it had slid into his car, but isn't that random?

And, to top it off, as I'm leaving, he tells me that the people he's planning on traveling with to Vegas,  want him to come because he can intuitively pick the winners of horse races.  What!  He said he'd actually won a lot of money that way in the past and could consistently pick winners.  Bizarre!  At that point, I'm ready to say goodbye.

I went on date number two last night with another gentleman I'd met on Mat.ch.com.  I'm about done with the internet, I swear.  If it weren't so darn convenient!  So, you guessed it, he didn't look like his pictures.  I actually said, "Oh no," when I saw him from the balcony of the restaurant.  He was just really odd looking.  I felt sad because on paper he had a lot of interesting experiences and qualities, including a background working as a youth counselor and what sounded like a strong spiritual practice.  

Dessert and coffee were yummy, so the night wasn't a complete loss.  He kept making really corny jokes throughout the evening and doing that thing where people pause and wait or expect a response.  Kind of awkward, and I felt a bit inauthentic pretending to laugh politely.  Bottom line, the chemistry was just not there in the slightest.

As I'm telling these stories, I'm realizing that it was actually a mostly down week!  But it didn't feel as down as it sounds.  I feel good that I'm making some connections with people, even if I haven't found the right match yet.  And the experiences had their fun aspects.  I'm emphasizing the negative parts for dramatic effect. :)

Anyway, the final downer was that my brother's friend stood me up for the hike we'd agreed upon for today!  Well to clarify, he didn't call me back when I left him a message on Thursday.  We'd agreed last weekend that we would go on a hike today, and he suggested we touch base later in the week.  Thursday's later, right?  On reflection, it might be for the best, since I know myself, and I might have felt rejected.  Even though he's so much younger than me, and I totally understand why he's not interested in me romantically.  But I'm sad to not get the hike in and a little irritated that he sounded so positive about it on the phone and then bailed.

On a positive note, I actually had a great day today lying in the sun, reading, cooking, doing a couple of chores.  I'm about to head out for my evening walk.

A final thought:  I wish I could make myself be more social, so I could meet more people in-person.  I'm just not a super energetic, gregarious person.  I did talk to a friend about getting back into partner dancing.  I used to do swing dance when I lived in Seattle, and I've been missing it lately.

The Summer Dating Diaries

Since it looks like I'll be putting some energy into dating, as well as ttc, this summer, I guess I'll be writing some posts on that topic, too.

The date I mentioned in the prior post was a little bit older guy I met on Mat.ch.com.  He looked cute in his pictures, but there were no close-ups of his face.  When we met, I was a bit disappointed.  We had a couple doozy phone calls, where the energy was crackling and it seemed we had tons of chemistry.  I was actually imagining a relationship, and he was saying things along those lines, as well.  But I think he was being overly accommodating and giving himself a bit too much credit in the personal growth/consciousness arena.

Have I mentioned that I feel I've truly limited my relationship prospects through all the self-awareness/counseling/communication stuff I've done?  In a way, I think it makes me a good partner because I can take more responsibility for my own issues, but on the other hand, I don't have a lot of tolerance if they don't meet me half way.

In any case, after I adjusted to his true appearance (vs. what I'd imagined - a risk of online dating), he gave me the flowers he brought and I handed over a bag of fresh apricots from our garden.  But the flowery romance ended there.  His expression was kind of intense and surly, where he didn't sound that way on the phone.  Also, he kind of had this flat affect, and, considering I'd had the super hard conversation with the doctor earlier that day, I was wanting a little more warmth and kindness.

So, I think I responded a bit harshly to a less than compassionate question he asked, and the situation spiraled down from there.  He got defensive, I felt sad, he shut down and scurried us out of the restaurant, I shut down, he overreacted to that and got more defensive... ach!  I guess in a broad stroke view, we just weren't a good in-person match!

Two odd things about it, though:  One, I normally don't connect that well with people on the phone at first; and two, we seemed to have that smell chemistry I've spoken about before, which made me really wish we were on the same wavelength in other areas!  Oh well, onward and upward....

In a rather odd turn of events, I'm going hiking next Saturday with my brother's friend, T.  When my brother, his wife, and T went out the other night for drinks/dinner prior to our family Ta.hoe trip, I may have gotten a little tipsy and asked T what he thought about the idea of being a donor/co-parent.  Ooops!!!  For God's sake, not appropriate, woman!  But, yes, I did it.

See, T and I have always had this "energy"... well, the few times I've hung out with my brother and him over the past few years.  We are both pretty liberal and open-minded and like to brainstorm and explore different "off the beaten path" topics.  My brother has even kind of hinted he thought we might get along, despite the fact I'm quite a bit older than him.

Also factoring in:  I was just coming off this Sky.pe relationship with a guy in Britain because - uh oh, here is is again - he didn't smell good.  I don't think I talked a lot about that on here.  In brief, it didn't feel real in a way because it was just Sky.pe, but we did talk every day for about three weeks.  He was talking about coming out to visit.  So, knowing myself, and how important chemistry is to me, I wanted to assure that we had some before he flew halfway 'round the world.  So, I asked him to wear a t-shirt and send it to me.  Unfortunately, it wasn't a match. :(  Bummer.

This had just happened before the evening with my brother and wife and T, and, in one of those weird slightly tipsy conversations about things, I ended up smelling T.  Guess what?  He smelled really good.  Not a great reason to ask someone to be a donor?  No, probably not.  I guess I wasn't thinking too clearly.

Anyway, he actually said he didn't think he could just be a donor and not be involved as a father, and so I briefly mentioned co-parenting.  At this point, we were talking privately, but then we were all seated for dinner and the conversation ended there.

After I got back from Tah.oe, we actually talked about it again on the phone.  Basically, he really wants to be a dad but wants the "whole package" of a wife and family and doesn't feel a strong sexual attraction to me.  I totally get that.  I am almost 10 years older than him, plus he hasn't had many relationships and his last one (about 10 years ago) was with someone several years younger than him.  He still has hope that he's going to experience that hit you over the head, love at first sight thing.  Who am I to burst his bubble?  I guess it does occasionally happen with someone who might be an appropriate partner.  *For those of you in partnership, did this happen to you when you met?

But the awesome thing is that we talked through things, and we're going hiking next weekend with his dog in tow.  I'm kind of excited just for the fun of it and getting out for a summer hike.  We'll see how it goes.

And on a final note to this long saga, I connected with a cute, single guy at my dance group on Sunday (cute, single guys never come to my dance group!) and we hung out after dance and got a little cuddly. He's coming to my Inter.Play class tomorrow night, and hopefully we'll hang out a bit after.  Wow, that almost sounds normal!  Well, one out of four isn't bad, right?

Donor Decision

I've been meaning to write a post about my donor plan, so.... here it is!

As you know, I was fervently hoping that the perfect co-parent situation would manifest for me, but no such luck.  I learned a lot in this most-recent exploration process!  Attraction does matter!  At least for me.   And it was eye opening to realize that many of us SMCs do choose our donors based on whether we would be attracted to them or date them (or have sex with them to be more explicit :) in real life.

The co-parent from L.A. to whom I WAS attracted physically ended up being a dud in other important areas like communication.  Case in point. we were supposed to meet when he came into town over Memorial Day.  I asked a couple of times for a time frame of when he wanted to meet up on Monday, which is when he said he would be available.  He never got back to me.  And he seemed generally evasive that week.  Then, on Monday, just before we were supposed to meet, I get a text saying traffic was bad and he won't have enough time to get together.  Grrrr

I kind of had a feeling it was going to happen, but still, it was frustrating.  I wouldn't want to be in a co-parent situation with someone who communicates like that.  Clearly, he was having doubts but, rather than say that or just cancel our plans ahead of time, he did what he did.

Anyway, if I had more time, I could continue the process: research another round of co-parents, contact them and start communicating, get down the the serious stuff, meet up a few times, etc.  But realistically, this does take at least a couple or months, ideally several.  So, I've let go of that option for this immediate round of trying.

What am I doing instead?  Donor insemination.  I've been down that road before, so I knew where I wanted to go and moved through the decision process very quickly.  The bank I chose, TSBC, has less choices than some of the other ones but has a lot of positives, including a nearby location that will allow me to pick up the sample myself.

The donor I selected is ID-release, and I felt a definite connection with him through his profile.  He has a large build, freckles, and is very creative. His baby picture looked a little bit like my nephew and was so cute to me.

This cycle continues to progress, and I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow.  I hope I have several good follicles going.  I think I already said this, but I'm so grateful to have the monitoring as I go along to see how things are progressing, as well as the HCG trigger shot to assure the IUI is timed properly.  I've never had either of those things before, and it just felt like a stab in the dark.  I'll write a post after my appointment tomorrow.  Fingers crossed!

Another Action-Packed Saturday

Yesterday started with a productive meeting about an upcoming Transition training I'm producing on the 19th.  I'm super excited about how it's coming together with several people I admire and respect involved.  Plus we'll be offering several effective and useful tools for Transition groups to support their members with "Inner Transition" (psychological/emotional shift in response to issues like climate change and economic instability) and to basically just liven up (and in some cases deepen) their meetings and events.  A great way to start the day with some very cool people.

But we all know where my mind and heart is most focused at this time, soooo, moving on... I then met with Gary from the East Coast.  It was as I expected as far as a complete lack of attraction or even seeing how I might have been attracted to him 10 years ago.  Nada.  He was also, not unexpectedly, super easy to communicate and get along with, and we had an enjoyable lunch and walk around a cute neighborhood area.  I can see he is a very good person and would make a great father, but I'm still feeling clear that I need that sense of finding someone relatively attractive in order to procreate with them.   He did share he's been having a fun adventure on this trip, seeing lots of friends he hadn't seen in a long time, which makes me feel a bit better about things not working out with us.

After leaving Gary, I had a few hours to chill out and eat something (and spend some time getting ready) before heading out for a third date with the guy, JR, I first met for breakfast a couple weeks ago.  We had an interesting phone call this week that started fairly contentious when he got a little too much into my biznas by analyzing me (it does take one to know one!).  But after a bit, the conversation settled down, and we ended up talking for almost two hours, which is what we did last time we talked, as well.  

And last night's date was a lot better than the one before.  We went to a movie and then had a drink and talked.  Very interesting topics like spirituality and relationship, etc.  It was fun.  I do find that I am a lot more relaxed with someone I don't know well after drinking a glass of wine.  I guess that's probably not unusual.  He's mentioning future things we will do together, so I think he's feeling a desire to keep getting to know one another.  I guess I am too, though still have reservations about the communication stuff.  But knowing I have a lot of fear and trust issues in that area makes me want to keep an open mind.  We shared a nice kiss goodbye at the end...

Today, I'm tired from not sleeping well but got out this morning and went running, then showered and ran some errands.  My book and the backyard are calling my name, then tonight I'm going to watch an old season of Private Prac.tice and maybe a movie.  Since my mother is not local and I'm not a mother yet, I'll spend tomorrow with my dance friends; first dancing, then picnicking at a nearby park.  Some of the regular dancers have kids, so it will be a fun family atmosphere.  

What are you all doing?  If you're trying to conceive, is Mother's Day difficult for you?  The holidays are way harder for me - this one doesn't get me so much for some reason.  Maybe partly because my mom passed away when I was young and I haven't had a very close relationship with my (step) Mom?  So, it's never stood out as a particularly special day.  I hope that changes.

More soon about additional co-parent updates and procuring drugs...

Romance and Reproduction, Part 3

This week has definitely been eventful (with regard to men anyway). 

On Thursday, I had a second date with the guy I liked from last weekend.  Unfortunately, it was a bit of a let-down.  In what is likely not a surprise to most of you: communication is important to me!  Ha! 

Apparently he's been listening to a lot of Buddhist tapes lately (not meditating though!), and has talked with me about his excitement about learning to control his feelings and reactions through changing his thoughts/focus.  This sounds positive on the surface, but translates into seeming sort of distant and unengaged.  And also, when I have feelings, not responding to them in a warm or accepting way.  We're coming from opposite directions, ironically: With a Masters in psychology and lots of personal growth work, I'm all about authenticity and expressing feelings, and he's all about changing them on not giving them much attention!  You can see the problem. 

Plus, there was this awkward moment - I guess a lesson for me - where I thought he was paying for dinner, but he wasn't really in on that plan.  I had said I needed to go somewhere moderate, but he chose a sushi place and proceeded to order tons of food.  So, I assumed (note to self, never assume) that meant he's decided to cover most or all of the bill.  But when it came, he talked about me paying for my part or getting the next dinner or whatever.  Maybe that was reasonable?  I don't know, it just didn't feel good.  But I take responsibility for not speaking up when I saw where things are going and "making an ass out of u and me."  Plus, on top of all that, I can tell he still drinks a lot, which isn't my thing at this point, and has a rambling-on-and-on talking habit. 

So, guess this one isn't likely to go anywhere, after the initial promising chemistry. :(

Moving on to yesterday, the day of two back-to-back Skype conversations with two different potential co-parents.  The first one was with the East Coast guy who was planning on coming out next week.  I've been trying to work out this lack of primal attraction thing, but have finally come to the conclusion that, whether it "should" be true or not, this type of attraction is important for me to have with someone with whom I'm procreating, regardless of whether there's any sexual contact.  I think it's actually very normal, hearing that many other women considered whether they would be attracted or have sex with their donors.  And I felt the same way with the donors I used for my IUIs.

When you think about it, as women, we are genetically combining with these men and taking them (or a genetic piece of them) into our bodies.  There is some intimacy there.  Probably moreso when it's a co-parent or known donor who you will be seeing regularly once the child is born.  But for me, it just feels very primal - like it's just not right and I can't be open to the process if I don't feel some physical attraction for them.  And I just don't have that with this guy. 

I think I started having a problem when I looked at his Facebook pictures.  There were pictures from five or ten years back and quite a few pictures in different scenarios with different people.  Not attracted to any of them.  And in fact, especially not attracted to one where he was showing more of his body.  When I was talking to him on Skype, there was a lot of positive connection on other levels that shadowed that, I think.

Anyway, we talked through it in a very positive and caring way, actually.  I do love his level of consciousness!  He's still coming out to see friends, and we will get together just on Friday afternoon.  He shared that he'd thought we had a spiritual connection and there may be some purpose for us meeting, even if it wasn't co-parenting.  I was definitely focused on the co-parenting, but it does go along with the resonance I felt with him.  I at least would like to meet him as friends, and there's always that slight chance something would shift in me when interacting with him in-person, but this is highly doubtful.  I feel great relief that he will not be staying with me for four days!

The second Skype call was with the guy from L.A., who has a three-year-old son from a previous marriage.  Ironically, the situation is kind of reversed with him.  I do feel an attraction, but communication is not nearly as comfortable or deep.  He tends to share a lot of stories, with more detail than I'd like to know.  Not inappropriate detail, more descriptive and unnecessary detail.  So, I feel somewhat frustrated and bored when he's talking. 

On the good side, he's clearly very caring and responsible, a wonderful and loving father, and is open to honest communication and feedback that I've given.  Some men would be angry or defensive when I say something about wanting more of a personal connection and less details or whatever.  I tend to be very direct at times!  He seems to roll with things and respond honestly and directly, so I like that. 

I think he's a bit overwhelmed and needs some time to process, though, because I was the first woman he connected with on the co-parent site, and he didn't expect things to move forward so quickly.  So, we'll see.  Now, I'm thinking about whether this particular communication issue matters! lol  If it's not one thing, it's another.

In other, completely crazy, news, an English gentleman (attorney? judge?) I also met on the co-parent site has offered to provide me with IVF, including PGD, in Czechoslovakia, assuming I agree to having a son and can pay for transportation there and back.  Looking up prices, though, it's only about $2,000 there for IVF.  Not sure what PGD adds to the cost.  A round-trip ticket out there is also around $2,000.  He would pay for hotel.

Reproduction vs. Romance in Another Context

Yesterday, I accidentally went on two dates.

In this post, I'm going to describe the dates... then consider whether dating is simpatico with pursuing co-parenting.

The first one, a breakfast date, I completely forgot.  He emailed as I was still in my pajamas and thinking about going for a run.  I waffled for a minute, but then hurriedly threw on my running clothes in case I wanted to go afterwards, brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on a touch of mascara, and ran out the door.  Not my prettiest look.  I did warn him.

Anyway, once I arrived at the cool little breakfast place near Lake Merr.itt, we started talking and gradually warmed up into a fairly good rapport.  He has beautiful eyes and a very nice smile.  I was feeling a bit self-conscious but it helped once we warmed up and started laughing a lot.

After breakfast, we walked down to the nearby Farmer's Mar.ket and cruised around talking.  Two highlights: he loves Ore.gon and his father lives there; and he initiated touching our hands together at the end under the pretense of showing me an exercise he did in a workshop.  We agreed to meet again this week.

Oh, and one caveat:  He said in his profile he wants to meet women 28 to 35 (he's my age), I imagine because he also says he wants kids.  I flirted first with a comment on one of his pictures, then he initiated communicating.

The second date I actually had in my calendar.  We met, oddly, at another restaurant near Lake Merr.itt for  their afternoon happy hour out on the deck.  When I saw the guy, my first thought was, "He does NOT look like his pictures!"  I went back and looked at the pictures again afterwards and see the resemblance, but they definitely place him in a super positive light.

So I'm thinking, "No," right off the bat, but we can still have a pleasant drink and chat.

We ended up having two drinks, as it was such a perfect summer-like day to be hanging out in the sun, and he was easy to talk with.  At the end, I found myself considering going on a second date, but, in retrospect, I think it was the wine talking!

Quite an unusually full day...

Later, I found myself imagining how these guys, especially the first guy, would feel if I told them about my co-parenting plans.  They clearly stated in their profile that they want kids.  And if, by God's grace, I become pregnant, I only want one biological child.  *As I write this, I see it's similar to dating when trying to become an SMC in other ways, as well.

Also, considering the idea through their eyes, this clearly complicates the family constellation and would affect our lives as a couple.  It may just be too unusual and complicated for them to understand, let alone accept.

I'm not sure how or when I will communicate with someone I'm dating about my co-parenting plans.  I think I'm in the camp that I will tell them when it organically comes up and feels important to share.  Because I don't want to live life from a place of trying to control all the "what ifs."  Who knows what may or may not happen in any of these scenarios?

I do feel strongly that I want to try a few times this year, as my window is closing (if not already closed).  I want to give one more whole-hearted try, adding injectables to the mix.  It doesn't feel good to think about putting these plans on hold.

How would you handle things if you were me?

Big Step Forward

Thanks to everyone who weighed in on the discussion about the line between romance and reproduction. I definitely related to the experience many of you shared about choosing a donor based on attraction (or whether you could see having sex with him :).  I do think there is something primal about creating a child and joining genetically with someone.

In my real-life co-parent considerations of the moment, it is a bit of concern to me that I don't really feel a strong primal attraction to the East Coast guy, at least not physically.  I'm sure part of it is his age, as he is significantly older than me.

But I think I'm feeling a lot along the lines of what Sunflower wrote in the comments about personality, getting along well, and being pleasant looking - plus there's this very strong resonance or "on the same wavelength" factor that makes it very easy to imagine co-parenting with him successfully.  Financially, he is in the middle of a career transition and not as strong in that area as I would like.  But he has an impressive (to me anyway) career history and is actively moving toward future opportunities.  Also, he is married and has a wonderful "homestead" living situation including land, growing his own food, chickens, etc.

All this to say, I'm moving forward to the next step with him!  He is flying out here in a couple of weeks to spend a few days, mainly with me but also with friends he knows in the area.  I'm nervous!  I'm still not sure about the wisdom of choosing an older co-parent.  I wonder if this will affect my abilities to conceive.  I know it increases the risk of autism, which is worrisome, as well.

But, as you probably know if you've been reading for a while, I have a strong spiritual side, and this situation just keeps flowing forward.  It "feels" the most right at this point and seems to have a life of it's own, if that makes any sense.  I'm not having to work to move it forward.

Sooo, we were clear this trip is about getting to know each other better and in-depth, discussions about co-parenting details and issues.  It does not indicate a decision to move forward; that decision is still up in the air.  But it still feels like a big decision!

Report on "The Talk"

Talk with S went very well.  I was able to express the deep hurt and also the anger, and he heard it and felt things I wanted him to feel like guilt and compassion.  I understand more of his side of the fence--the main new information being that he was thrown both when I broke up with him and later when I said I didn't want to be friends.  He expected a reaction but not to that level.  He thought we would still go to Oregon.  Also, he thought I would come around to thinking about his history with the ex and bring that more into my considerations.  I reiterated how it felt like he emotionally broke up with me prior to me formally taking that action.

There were things he said that I want to know more about, like how he sees he has a pattern of "setting a trap," referring to the situation with me and his ex.  I want to know more about his feelings when he said that yes, he was going ahead with his plans despite how I felt and how I said I couldn't handle it.  I know some of the thought process, but I want to know the feelings.  Part of me still feels pain thinking of that moment and that decision on his part.  He said he felt dizzy and sick to his stomach when he got the email about me not wanting to be friends, and I admit that felt soothing to hear.  We acknowledged the sadness that we didn't get more help from resources in our community and the many connections we have.

We are going to talk again soon.  At the end of our talk, we held each other and ended up kissing.  I won't lie; it felt really good.  More warmth and tenderness mixed in with the passion part.  Who knows what that means.  I'm just trying to stay focused on myself as we talk through things that have needed talking for a long time.