Big Changes

Sunday morning, April 22...beautiful day here in Northern California. Feeling grateful for the weekend and catching up on sleep after a hectic week, including a tech rehearsal for the Variety Show I'm producing for our program as drama club advisor, and the show is coming together, though I have felt like I am herding cats for much of the process. After next Thursday evening, the show will be complete, and I will have a lighter load.

I've been spending some time this weekend planning and thinking through action steps to prepare for moving in with RC at the end of May. We came up with this new plan after he had a mini-breakdown thinking of moving up here right now. He has lived in his place much longer than I have and will be getting rid of lots of stuff in the move. Also, he has a strong support system down there, and he just started an intensive 12-week online program to become a fitness trainer.

As we talked through it more fully, it does make sense that I put my stuff in storage and move down there. I have no work up here - he can work some part-time concert event hours down there at a winery - and I can get unemployment wherever I am located. Also, I am seeing it as an opportunity to really focus on creating my online introvert/professional career transition program.

The negatives include: his place is not very nice, as I mentioned earlier; I have pack up all my stuff again after doing that just a year ago; and we will be living on the Central Coast in a location that is less desirable than my current neighborhood.

I think the positives outweigh the negatives, though, and include: saving money through paying less rent and his additional income; simplifying my life so I can really focus on creating this online program; he and I spending quality time together this summer in-between both of us focusing on completing online programs - he from the student side and me from the counseling/coaching side; and giving him more time to sort through his stuff and decide what to get rid of, keep, or store.

The negatives are mediated by the fact that it will be time limited - two or three months at the most - after which we plan to move closer to family in Eugene or Austin! We have been talking about this since we met and will likely be taking a short trip in June to visit his family and check out Austin. At this point, Eugene is looking much more likely because he really liked it there and my family has the athletic club business where he could work part-time, to supplement his retirement income. But I'm open to falling in love with Austin and switching gears if both of us feel that way and see a positive future there. As a side note, I have applied for a job at the university in Eugene, which could definitely be a factor, as well.

Spending some time on the Central Coast also has perks in that I have a couple of friends to spend time with down there from when I lived in the area (where we met), and it really does have some beautiful hikes and state parks, some along the ocean. His friend has a winery, as well, which might be a benefit and a fun place to visit.

I guess overall it makes sense, but it's a huge pain in the immediate time frame of May when I will be packing up! He's coming down to help in a couple of weeks. I'm going to get a pod so that we don't have to unload the stuff into storage and can just move it up the coast to Oregon, if that's where we decide to settle, or to Austin if the ship turns in that direction.

Of course, my priority remains having a child through the California ivf donor egg program, and a big reason to save money is so that we can go forward with that in late July or August. It makes sense that we stay in California through August so that we can drive to complete the treatments there, versus having to fly. In the meanwhile, I have started working out and taking supplements and will continue to work towards being as healthy as possible before the transfer. Our next steps are my getting all the fertility tests done again, and he doing some tests then going through sperm extraction and freezing, probably at the end of June or beginning of July.

How's that for some big changes?

A Fertile Spring

Amazing to look at the calendar and see April 7th! RC left last Monday after a two-week stay.  It's weird how our time together seems to go through different "phases.". I guess we haven't settled into a routine or consistent pattern. For example, the first part of the trip was about co-housing and exploring a local co-housing community and open house. We talked a lot about how we would like to live in an intentional community like that for the benefits of community meals and events, resource sharing, and a child growing up in a loving extended family-type environment.

The second phase was getting matching tattoos from a well-known local tattoo place. I will add a picture to this post later, but I'm happy with how they turned out. Lots of pain, however. Yes, you do feel like a badass and yes, you do get an endorphin rush that is very interesting and relieving when it finally kicks in. Getting these tattoos brought home the level of commitment we are making.

After the tattoos, I experienced what I might call a minor emotional backlash, in which I felt questioning and at times judgmental towards RC and the ways that we are different. We continued our reading in a spiritual relationship book, which opened up sadness about this backlash and it's impact on our relationship. I talked about my worry a little bit; that it's come up when I don't feel he's tuning in or really listening to me, especially with regard to ideas or intellectual thoughts, and that I was afraid we may not be as compatible on that level as I would like.

In this conversation, I learned more about him and his engineering background, and I felt reassurance that he cared and wanted to listen to me in a way that met my needs to matter and feel like he was interested in my thoughts. I recognized that my distancing through judgment is toxic and gets in the way of experiencing the love and joy that both of us want to feel. I'm trying to remember that and make adjustments when I slip into this pattern that started long before him.

In the next phase, we drove to Sacramento for a Cal IVF consultation, which was VERY exciting to both of us, to say the least. We talked there and back about it in the car, then went out for drinks and food and talked some more. I researched information on questions that came up, including supplements and other strategies to support implantation, as well as donor IVF statistics, etc.

The first step is for RC to go through a sperm extraction process, which a specialist does at the center. We weren't sure how reliable or successful this process would be, but he was beyond encouraging, giving 96% odds of healthy, usable sperm samples. We could then choose an egg donor, looking at pictures and background information, that hopefully resembles me. They require ICSI with the IVF procedure. If it doesn't work, then statistically we should have frozen embryos for a second try. RC looked up financial information and said he could borrow from his retirement account to cover costs.

But...later on, he had a lot of anxiety come up around adding to his debt load right now. He would have to pay back the money on his retirement account, apparently, and it would add a substantial monthly payment to current expenses. The last couple of nights he didn't sleep very well because he was anxious about this, but either he wasn't fully aware of why he was anxious or he wasn't able to tell me for some reason. In any case, it created a little tension in the last couple days before he left.

After he got home, he reflected and wrote about it, becoming more clear about his feelings so he could share them with me. Right now, he is doing some work on his budget/spending plan, and we are both talking about how we can afford the extra payments. The way I'm seeing it now (and hoping and praying for) is that we could move forward in August or September. In the meanwhile, we can work on getting more healthy, eating well, doing required fertility testing and choosing a donor. Financial changes coming down the pike include:

• He is currently completing a three-month fitness-trainer certification program, which guarantees employment and will add to our income.
• Although I am not working at the college this summer, I will receive unemployment, then start teaching my three classes (an increase in the income I have been receiving) in mid-August.
• As soon as school ends next month, I will begin attending the local BNI business networking chapter to increase local contacts and client referrals. By this Tuesday, I also plan to publish a newsletter and schedule a new local Meetup event, also in hopes of connecting with new clients. The two clients who just finished their sessions with me have also said they may want additional help in a month.
• Lastly, when RC moves here on May 19th, he will start paying half the rent, which will open up more money in my budget to cover the IVF loan payment (first to cover my budget shortage on unemployment, then to cover the payment).

Regarding the adoption plan, we have been feeling torn. My agency has said they do not want clients pursuing fertility treatments at the same time as trying to adopt. Our energy and excitement right now is towards the donor IVF option. So, I think right now, we will likely focus on that, but I am worried about stepping back from that route after all the effort I've put towards it. I think it's probably the right thing to do, though...

Overall, however, many developments to happily anticipate. I'm so glad Spring is slowly slipping into view. Flowers blooming and smelling heavenly, temperature creeping up. It seems timely, as our energy and excitement are rising, as well.

And so I face the final curtain...

Participated in my dance group this morning.  Experienced a wave of sadness in the middle.  May be connected to mixed emotions around S emailing me a couple of days ago saying, in a polite manner, that he thought he should separate me from his insurance and, if he didn't hear from me by the end of the month, he would do so at that time.

This is very reasonable.  I knew it was coming.  But I sometimes forgot.  In any case, I asked for another month, so probably have until the end of September... possibly October.  It brings things into sharper relief.  I have a sense that the time of me actively trying on my own may be coming to an end, barring unforeseen circumstances.  

Time is not my friend.  I would love to do one IVF, and if there were any frozen embryos, this would be such a blessing.  I've looked at a few international IVF programs.  Do you know they are about a third or less the cost of the procedure here in the U.S.?  There are travel costs of course but, wow.  

That would entail getting a loan, however, which I'm not sure I can or should do.  Assuming, as the odds would suggest, that doesn't happen, then the doors could close.  I'm feeling more ready for that.  

I don't think I will choose to try donor embryo for reasons I don't want to go into right now, though I understand the beauty and gift of it for many people.  Adoption may be my next path... But before then, this coming end of August/beginning of September injectable cycle may be my "hail mary," with the unlikely possibility of one more cycle immediately following.  

So, yes, I guess I can see where the sadness might be coming from.  Also, though, an interesting sense of calm and some acceptance.

I'm back

Sorry for disappearing!

I was pretty down about the cycle not working for a while.  And the conversation with the doctor sure didn't help, in which he quoted statistics I've heard a million times.  The "worst case" statistics from the "42 and older" category.  At first he said even chances with IVF are low, but then seemed to remember I had responded fairly well to the stim drugs, and by the end of the conversation was pushing IVF like a used car salesman.  He thinks I should go to the free orientation sessions at local clinics and said there is no benefit to going to Kai.ser (they don't do IVF at his location in SF but offer it at the Fremont location) because everything is out of pocket.  I'm not sure I believe that, since it seems like some of the testing and medication would be partially covered, but maybe I could get those through Kai.ser anyway?  I don't even know why I'm debating it, since I can't afford it right now.  I thought about looking at the funding options again, but I'm not optimistic.

So, as of now, I'm still looking forward to connecting with another Kai.ser doctor in Fremont in mid-August and likely doing another injectable cycle before then or at that time.  As my friend reminded me:  at least one out of twenty eggs is still good, so there's still a chance!  A positive viewpoint!

My absence was also due to taking a trip to Lake Ta.hoe for a few days over the Fourth of July with the whole family.  It was really nice.  I hadn't been there in a long time.  We went out on the boat a few times, had a few drinks, laid out on the dock, ate good food, that sort of thing.  A rough life... ha!  AND I got to play a lot with my niece and nephew.  My niece and I had some really lovely drawing/project sessions - so fun to draw in parallel and consult one another on design choices, comment on what I liked about her drawing, etc.  Totally the way I imagine playing with my kid one day.  All three of us also played a lot of matchbox car games, where we enacted different imaginary scenarios and the cars were often humanized.  Pretty interesting.  They got very attached to their assigned cars, too, let me tell you!  My nephew actually carried around a ziploc bag full of cars and would take one out or put one back, then ask you to, "Close it."  Very cute.  Instead of a security blanket, he had a security "bag of cars"!

It's nice to be back now.  I had a date and also have a story to tell about an odd, yet in the end positive, exchange with a good friend of my brother, who lives in SF (we have plans to go on a hike next weekend), but I'll share more in the next couple days.  I'm going to chill out tonight and go to bed early.  I've been following along with blog posts but not commenting much, as I did not have internet reception at the lake (just iPh.one).  But I'll get back into commenting now.  I'm continuing to wish good things for people.

Romance and Reproduction, Part 3

This week has definitely been eventful (with regard to men anyway). 

On Thursday, I had a second date with the guy I liked from last weekend.  Unfortunately, it was a bit of a let-down.  In what is likely not a surprise to most of you: communication is important to me!  Ha! 

Apparently he's been listening to a lot of Buddhist tapes lately (not meditating though!), and has talked with me about his excitement about learning to control his feelings and reactions through changing his thoughts/focus.  This sounds positive on the surface, but translates into seeming sort of distant and unengaged.  And also, when I have feelings, not responding to them in a warm or accepting way.  We're coming from opposite directions, ironically: With a Masters in psychology and lots of personal growth work, I'm all about authenticity and expressing feelings, and he's all about changing them on not giving them much attention!  You can see the problem. 

Plus, there was this awkward moment - I guess a lesson for me - where I thought he was paying for dinner, but he wasn't really in on that plan.  I had said I needed to go somewhere moderate, but he chose a sushi place and proceeded to order tons of food.  So, I assumed (note to self, never assume) that meant he's decided to cover most or all of the bill.  But when it came, he talked about me paying for my part or getting the next dinner or whatever.  Maybe that was reasonable?  I don't know, it just didn't feel good.  But I take responsibility for not speaking up when I saw where things are going and "making an ass out of u and me."  Plus, on top of all that, I can tell he still drinks a lot, which isn't my thing at this point, and has a rambling-on-and-on talking habit. 

So, guess this one isn't likely to go anywhere, after the initial promising chemistry. :(

Moving on to yesterday, the day of two back-to-back Skype conversations with two different potential co-parents.  The first one was with the East Coast guy who was planning on coming out next week.  I've been trying to work out this lack of primal attraction thing, but have finally come to the conclusion that, whether it "should" be true or not, this type of attraction is important for me to have with someone with whom I'm procreating, regardless of whether there's any sexual contact.  I think it's actually very normal, hearing that many other women considered whether they would be attracted or have sex with their donors.  And I felt the same way with the donors I used for my IUIs.

When you think about it, as women, we are genetically combining with these men and taking them (or a genetic piece of them) into our bodies.  There is some intimacy there.  Probably moreso when it's a co-parent or known donor who you will be seeing regularly once the child is born.  But for me, it just feels very primal - like it's just not right and I can't be open to the process if I don't feel some physical attraction for them.  And I just don't have that with this guy. 

I think I started having a problem when I looked at his Facebook pictures.  There were pictures from five or ten years back and quite a few pictures in different scenarios with different people.  Not attracted to any of them.  And in fact, especially not attracted to one where he was showing more of his body.  When I was talking to him on Skype, there was a lot of positive connection on other levels that shadowed that, I think.

Anyway, we talked through it in a very positive and caring way, actually.  I do love his level of consciousness!  He's still coming out to see friends, and we will get together just on Friday afternoon.  He shared that he'd thought we had a spiritual connection and there may be some purpose for us meeting, even if it wasn't co-parenting.  I was definitely focused on the co-parenting, but it does go along with the resonance I felt with him.  I at least would like to meet him as friends, and there's always that slight chance something would shift in me when interacting with him in-person, but this is highly doubtful.  I feel great relief that he will not be staying with me for four days!

The second Skype call was with the guy from L.A., who has a three-year-old son from a previous marriage.  Ironically, the situation is kind of reversed with him.  I do feel an attraction, but communication is not nearly as comfortable or deep.  He tends to share a lot of stories, with more detail than I'd like to know.  Not inappropriate detail, more descriptive and unnecessary detail.  So, I feel somewhat frustrated and bored when he's talking. 

On the good side, he's clearly very caring and responsible, a wonderful and loving father, and is open to honest communication and feedback that I've given.  Some men would be angry or defensive when I say something about wanting more of a personal connection and less details or whatever.  I tend to be very direct at times!  He seems to roll with things and respond honestly and directly, so I like that. 

I think he's a bit overwhelmed and needs some time to process, though, because I was the first woman he connected with on the co-parent site, and he didn't expect things to move forward so quickly.  So, we'll see.  Now, I'm thinking about whether this particular communication issue matters! lol  If it's not one thing, it's another.

In other, completely crazy, news, an English gentleman (attorney? judge?) I also met on the co-parent site has offered to provide me with IVF, including PGD, in Czechoslovakia, assuming I agree to having a son and can pay for transportation there and back.  Looking up prices, though, it's only about $2,000 there for IVF.  Not sure what PGD adds to the cost.  A round-trip ticket out there is also around $2,000.  He would pay for hotel.

Surfing the Future

It's getting real.

Talk of my future with sh/cm that is.

My dreams last night had huge waves and people trying to surf them.  I was watching from a ledge a bit off the beach and scanning for those that managed to "catch the wave."  Then, it gets fuzzy: there was some kind of danger and a guy carried me up to another place on the ledge (higher level) where it was safer.

Psychologically, as many of you may know, water often represents our emotions and/or sub-conscious, so, yeah, I think I was a little stirred up last night.

The day had started with a great morning together, waking up at my place and then heading over to his neighborhood Farmer's Market and one of the most delicious cups of coffee I've ever had.  Then off to my dance/his workout, followed by walking up to bookstores - and a sidewalk sale - in his neighborhood to pick up a relationship journal (yes we are so geeky as to be starting a relationship journal), and a few used books and CDs.

Back at his house, I guess I was the culprit who took the first dive into the deep end of the pool by asking if he thought we would actually, somehow/some way, end up with a baby.  And we were off!

He said yes, he had, and we went back and forth exploring much more detail than we ever had before about next steps and creating a foundation either for the biological child we create or one that we might adopt through the foster care system.  We had never really talked about adoption before, but he must have been thinking about it on his own because he had lots of concrete ideas!

Details discussed included:

• The idea of us moving in together in a few months; choosing a place that would be good for a child and consider the school system, etc.
• What age child we would be open to in the adoption process and whether it would benefit us to be married or not (I said I wasn't sure since the Bay Area is progressive and less discriminating than some places, but maybe because it is one factor out of many that might indicate to an agency that we are "stable").  Yeah, the "M" word was thrown out there.  It has been touched on before but not this directly.
• The idea of a child who may have some adjustment issues needing lots of love and his feeling that he could fill that role well.

Later, we continued the foray into deep waters by talking further about his new health insurance potentially covering me as his "partner," different health plans offered, and some specifics around IVF procedures and costs (I would appreciate prayers or positive thoughts that I get coverage because this might allow me to go forward with IVF in the next couple months).

Much of the day was fun and relaxing, including a yummy steak and potato barbeque (a side salad and coffee frozen yogurt for desert too!), but it sure does seem we jumped into some big topics!

When I think about moving forward with him in these ways, I feel excited and hopeful, as well as a little anxiety.  The anxiety is connected to the marriage part, I think, because I can't say things are perfect.  I know I love him a lot and feel closer to him than anyone I've ever been with.  But part of me believes it should be perfect, or close to it anyway.

We have worked through a lot of challenging issues that have proven to be game stoppers for me in the past.  I do see that we are growing and developing what I would consider "true" intimacy.

Yikes!