And so I face the final curtain...

Participated in my dance group this morning.  Experienced a wave of sadness in the middle.  May be connected to mixed emotions around S emailing me a couple of days ago saying, in a polite manner, that he thought he should separate me from his insurance and, if he didn't hear from me by the end of the month, he would do so at that time.

This is very reasonable.  I knew it was coming.  But I sometimes forgot.  In any case, I asked for another month, so probably have until the end of September... possibly October.  It brings things into sharper relief.  I have a sense that the time of me actively trying on my own may be coming to an end, barring unforeseen circumstances.  

Time is not my friend.  I would love to do one IVF, and if there were any frozen embryos, this would be such a blessing.  I've looked at a few international IVF programs.  Do you know they are about a third or less the cost of the procedure here in the U.S.?  There are travel costs of course but, wow.  

That would entail getting a loan, however, which I'm not sure I can or should do.  Assuming, as the odds would suggest, that doesn't happen, then the doors could close.  I'm feeling more ready for that.  

I don't think I will choose to try donor embryo for reasons I don't want to go into right now, though I understand the beauty and gift of it for many people.  Adoption may be my next path... But before then, this coming end of August/beginning of September injectable cycle may be my "hail mary," with the unlikely possibility of one more cycle immediately following.  

So, yes, I guess I can see where the sadness might be coming from.  Also, though, an interesting sense of calm and some acceptance.


  1. I've heard it said many times that one of the most difficult aspects of infertility is the uncertainty, not knowing how it will turn out. I would guess the reason that there's a sense of calm in the midst of your sadness is because there's now an end in sight. I'm sorry, though, that it looks as if your ttc time will end soon. I'm going to hope with all my might that your next cycle meets with success.


  2. Thanks, Jenny. I don't mean to be dramatic, but it is how I'm feeling today. I appreciate the good wishes and hugs.

  3. ((Hugs)) I'm so hoping your next cycle is THE one! I know some people who have gone international for IVF. One lady is doing a package deal in Barbados, I think it is. It's definitely cheaper. Thinking of you! xoxo

  4. kristina - thinking of you. so sorry that you're feeling that this might be it with your own eggs. IF stinks. I am holding out hope that this "hail mary" cycle will work. i think we were a few "hail mary's" into it when we finally, and unbelievably, hit on a good embryo.


    1. Thanks, Mo. I guess I should say "hail mary for the immediate future." I can't say what further out into the future holds or how I will feel then. Your story is inspirational and I'm so glad you hit on your good embryo.

  5. I'm so hoping you next cycle will be the one. This process sucks ass when a) the sperm ain't free, and b) you have to pay and c) no sex involved to get it on board. Fingers crossed for you.

  6. Sorry you are feeling a bit discouraged, Kristina. I really hope good things happen for you on your next cycle. I have heard about IVF abroad and it is a lot cheaper for sure somtimes up to half the cost. You may want to look into it as an back up option. Thinking of you.