Good News and Bad News

First of all, thank you to everyone who wished me well on the trip and with this cycle.  Sunday is our test day and so far, no symptoms to speak of, except some moodiness/sadness.  And wanting to eat a lot. but that is likely stress and progesterone.

Regarding the trip, there is good news and bad news.  We made it through the family trip to Oregon in a LOT better shape than the Tahoe trip and I was able to take a quiet, candle-lit "time-out" when I really needed one.  And S was generally more centered and supportive, though he had to do a few hours of work while we were there - thinking about it now, I wonder if that helped him stay centered?  In any case, overall, much better trip in terms of fighting less and staying relatively balanced.

The bad news is that I still had a LOT of critical thoughts come up about S, in terms of physical flaws.  I think I'm seeing the connection pretty clearly between family time and increased anxiety about S being "good enough."  I do recognize how arrogant and mean this sounds... I so wish I could control this evil part of my brain.

As the weekend wore on, S could feel distance and I ended up sharing that I wasn't feeling connected to him physically, which was hard for him to hear.  Then, at the end of the trip he pressed me to say more about what was up for me that was leading to him feeling distance.  So I shared more details about where my mind was going (fitness, age-difference, etc.), but that was very painful for him to hear.  :(

I think there are factors throwing fuel on the evil fire in my brain including:  as mentioned, the anxiety and lack of self-acceptance that comes up with family; the progesterone supplements - and likely the dhea and other long-term supplements I'm on; and the added pressure of us talking about living together and marriage.

In our talk on the way home, I had some grief come up again about missing out on that "young love" and commitment experience of falling in love with abandon, knowing this is the right person for you - the love of your life - and easily moving forward and deciding to settle down together.  I had the falling in love with abandon thing in my early 20's with someone who was not available (and not even a good match in retrospect) - the ex I've written about here.  But it never got out of the gate and other relationships didn't come close to that.  Well, maybe one college boyfriend, but it was definitely immature love, and when I graduated a year ahead of him, I met someone else.

S and I do have a more mature love, but he's pretty restrained in the ga-ga romance department and has understandably been affected by being married twice before.  And, though I feel a lot of love and attraction for him, I would ideally like to feel more consistent chemistry.

I'm obviously feeling some confusion.  This week, I will make another counseling appointment to get some help in sorting it out.  I wish it were more simple - or that I could remove part of my brain!  I am open to feedback or advice.


Rolling Along

I think I've definitely reached "jaded" status.  I'm just rolling through the motions of this IUI without a lot of excitement, hope, or much of any emotion, really.  I guess I had a minor stress episode when my bbt was up a bit when just starting to do my OPKs (and seeing a very faint line).  I thought I knew where I was in the cycle - quite early still - but then I got worried... which was my own fault really, since I tried to second-guess the fertility clinic's advice and skip a monitoring appointment.  I called the nurse sheepishly and agreed to come in the next morning, as planned.  I think I would likely have been okay waiting one more day but better safe than sorry. 

The follicles - all two of them :( - ended up being big enough to trigger, so I did so on the spot and came in for the IUI bright and early Sunday morning.  I felt quite a few twinges before and after ovulation this cycle... but no other symptoms so far, even though I'm on progesterone.  I was so disappointed to learn there were only two follicles - one on each ovary.  There were a few other little ones but they never took off. 

Oh, and I started acupuncture again last week with someone who seems a lot more skilled than the last "normal" acupuncturist I went to, and certainly more skilled than the community acupuncturists who can't even place needles in my abdomen.  At one point in the treatment, she used these cool needles that send electric pulses into the site.  She also put a few little needle patches in my ear before I left - anyone else had those?  I got used to them, but at first I kept forgetting they were there, rubbing my ear, and saying "Ow!".  I have another session tomorrow morning.

In other news, the universe has an odd sense of humor.  Turns out, S and I are heading up to visit my family in Oregon under pretty much the same circumstances of the ill-fated Tahoe trip!  It will be about the same time in my cycle, I'm on progesterone, and we're doing an injectable cycle.  Wish us luck! 

Luckily, I saw the counselor on Tuesday, and she gave me some good framing and strategies for us to use.  One strategy is to consciously have "recovery" time when we come out of a period of time with family.  Unfortunately, because they aren't able to do the unconditional love or acceptance thing, I am not able to be open and relaxed when I'm with them (mainly my parents) and can end up feeling not so good about myself.  This can lead to tension with S and I, which sucks.  So I want to try some journaling, prayer, meditation, quiet time, etc. when coming out of these times and see how it goes.

Saturday we are all meeting up at 11am and heading to the Duck game.  Woo hoo!  Then, we'll come back to my brother's house afterwards for dinner and to hang out.  S and I are bringing Zoey and staying in a hotel the first night (we'll likely get in very late on Friday), then at my brother's the next two nights.  He and his wife bought a big new house that has an extra room and bathroom, so that should be cool.  Can't wait to hold and play with my nieces and nephew.