Sadly, it looks as if my next cycle is likely starting today, at 14dpo. I had a bit of cramping and darkish spotting yesterday and today some more, with an increased amount of spotting (still dark). The cramping has stopped at this point, and I felt a strong "twinge" cramp earlier today in the uterine area.
Do you think there is a chance I might be experiencing late implantation? Did anyone else who has experienced pregnancy have spotting around the very end of their cycle?
I'm not sure what my next step will be, if this cycle is over. I guess I will do as I was thinking and get back on track for surgery to have my large fibroid removed. Unless I get a very strong sign that I should go forward with IVF with my own eggs, I am not going to pursue that due to my chances of success and financial limitations.
I do see possible donor eggs or embryos in my future or possibly adoption... more on these possibilities later. If any of you that have been reading this blog for a while would like to give me some sisterly advice on what you think would be the best choice for me, I would love to hear from you now or later. I am just beginning research and mainly know about these options through the stories of others.
Showing posts with label IUI. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IUI. Show all posts
10/18/2013
10/15/2013
Join Me in a Mind Game?
I know it's all a big mind game, but for funsies, I thought I would share a couple new signs.
As mentioned in this morning's post, I am currently at 11 dpo. Driving home from my acupuncture appointment early this afternoon, I reached a bit and felt an unmistakable stabbing pain in my underarm. This is not usual for me, even on progesterone (at least not the last few cycles... I'll have to look back a ways to double check).
As the day has progressed, it's become a continual soreness, more on my left than right. Oddly my breasts themselves are hardly feeling sore today.
The other sign - now don't laugh! - is feeling more sexual than usual at this time. I usually feel pretty un-enthused during the last week of my cycle, but then often experience a little wave the day before, or as my period is starting. This is two or three days before, so not my usual pattern. I heard that it's possible you can feel more sexual in early pregnancy, due to increased blood flow.
Sooo, again, fully admitting it's a mindgame, I would love to hear any thoughts or feedback from you all!
As mentioned in this morning's post, I am currently at 11 dpo. Driving home from my acupuncture appointment early this afternoon, I reached a bit and felt an unmistakable stabbing pain in my underarm. This is not usual for me, even on progesterone (at least not the last few cycles... I'll have to look back a ways to double check).
As the day has progressed, it's become a continual soreness, more on my left than right. Oddly my breasts themselves are hardly feeling sore today.
The other sign - now don't laugh! - is feeling more sexual than usual at this time. I usually feel pretty un-enthused during the last week of my cycle, but then often experience a little wave the day before, or as my period is starting. This is two or three days before, so not my usual pattern. I heard that it's possible you can feel more sexual in early pregnancy, due to increased blood flow.
Sooo, again, fully admitting it's a mindgame, I would love to hear any thoughts or feedback from you all!
10/14/2013
Killer Convergence and more...
Back from the Convergence last night... It went smashingly! Over three hundred people, kickass keynote speakers - the best of them our founder, Rob Hopkins - and my opening circle exercises Saturday morning went really well. Practicing does pay off! I must have run through those activities 20 times in the few days before the event. lol Not everyone was up and ready to go at 9am but we had over a third of the people there or more, and I'm glad to have the facilitation experience with a larger crowd and with using a headset mic and collaborating with others who did an activity after me, as well.
S's panel on Climate Change activism went great, too, and he was very pleased with the number of folks who showed up. He's a total picture guy and is always posting on FB, so he was frustrated with me for not thinking to take a picture during his panel... especially since he took an awesome picture of me during my opening circle. Whoops. Oh well, I think he forgave me.
We did get into another fight on Saturday evening but were able to take a timeout and not escalate. We are continuing to figure things out with expectations/resentment/conflict/judgment, etc. I guess things don't turn on a dime, just because you become more clear you have a problem. Looking forward to going together to a movie Wednesday and having drinks afterwards, though I suppose I should stick to a Shirley Temple!
By the end of the weekend, my introvert side was ready to chill out and recoup, and luckily I was able to have that space when I got back. I did go shopping and run some errands in the afternoon but have been mostly home. Oh, and one organization represented at the Convergence does what they called "The Ecology of Leadership" training, and I completed their application today. I really want to do it! I feel blocked around pursuing a couple of my biggest goals - co-forming a Social Change Performing Arts Troupe, and joining an intentional community - plus I can see how I sabotage my professional reputation and relationships sometimes by letting anxiety control my decisions. This training emphasizes learning in community and mutually supporting one another, and we would be meeting one weekend a month for the next six months. I'm working on getting sponsorship assistance with the fee, so fingers crossed!
About ttc... no big signs. Maybe a little breast soreness. I'm at 10 dpo. Yesterday, my temperature took a three-tenths dip but was back up today at 98.04. It was a bit colder there, even in the hotel room, so that may have contributed. I do think we timed the IUI perfectly, and S and a BD'd the night following to fully cover our bases. I will keep you posted. I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow and need to get some more Chinese herb supplements.
S's panel on Climate Change activism went great, too, and he was very pleased with the number of folks who showed up. He's a total picture guy and is always posting on FB, so he was frustrated with me for not thinking to take a picture during his panel... especially since he took an awesome picture of me during my opening circle. Whoops. Oh well, I think he forgave me.
We did get into another fight on Saturday evening but were able to take a timeout and not escalate. We are continuing to figure things out with expectations/resentment/conflict/judgment, etc. I guess things don't turn on a dime, just because you become more clear you have a problem. Looking forward to going together to a movie Wednesday and having drinks afterwards, though I suppose I should stick to a Shirley Temple!
By the end of the weekend, my introvert side was ready to chill out and recoup, and luckily I was able to have that space when I got back. I did go shopping and run some errands in the afternoon but have been mostly home. Oh, and one organization represented at the Convergence does what they called "The Ecology of Leadership" training, and I completed their application today. I really want to do it! I feel blocked around pursuing a couple of my biggest goals - co-forming a Social Change Performing Arts Troupe, and joining an intentional community - plus I can see how I sabotage my professional reputation and relationships sometimes by letting anxiety control my decisions. This training emphasizes learning in community and mutually supporting one another, and we would be meeting one weekend a month for the next six months. I'm working on getting sponsorship assistance with the fee, so fingers crossed!
About ttc... no big signs. Maybe a little breast soreness. I'm at 10 dpo. Yesterday, my temperature took a three-tenths dip but was back up today at 98.04. It was a bit colder there, even in the hotel room, so that may have contributed. I do think we timed the IUI perfectly, and S and a BD'd the night following to fully cover our bases. I will keep you posted. I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow and need to get some more Chinese herb supplements.
10/05/2013
Long Overdue Update
I apologize for the dearth of updates. The last cycle did not work. It ended - or the next cycle started, depending on how you look at it - very oddly. I had two days of very dark spotting, one day more of increased dark spotting - almost a light flow - then into a very heavy period. I'm not sure if something started to happen and didn't take? Or maybe it was related to the Chinese herbs I had begun that month? In any case, it was very strange and like nothing I had experienced before.
That was 13 days ago. My OPKs this cycle tried to confuse me with several light lines, sometimes a bit darker, but always significantly less than the test line. Finally, I saw a dark line on Thursday morning and went in for the IUI yesterday. This is cause for celebration! I finally got an IUI in on a "bump cycle," following a medicated cycle. There was a lot of psychological weight around that for me, for whatever reason, and it helps me feel like we made our best effort to conceive with my own eggs. Other things I'm doing right now to give a best effort:
- Added Fish Oil and Wheatgrass to my load o' daily supplements (currently: DHEA, COQ10, vitamin D3, L-Arginine, prenatal, baby aspirin).
- Seeing a "real" acupuncturist every week or so, which includes electro-stimulation, heat lamps, and lots of needles.
- As mentioned above, I have also added Chinese herbs under the care of my acupuncturist.
- Listening to hypnotherapy fertility meditation at night, as I go to sleep. Just started this one. Thanks Honesty for the tip!
I will try and do better with posting updates over the next couple of weeks. S and I head off to the big Transition/Permaculture conference next weekend, so I'm gearing up for that and preparing to lead the Saturday opening circle. S will be moderating a political panel. We had a rough time this week but, after some open talking and a counseling session (for him) today, we are in a good place. Having some adult time today was wonderful - and helped with the ttc efforts, as well!
Happy Beginning of Fall to Everyone!
9/17/2013
Good News and Bad News
First of all, thank you to everyone who wished me well on the trip and with this cycle. Sunday is our test day and so far, no symptoms to speak of, except some moodiness/sadness. And wanting to eat a lot. but that is likely stress and progesterone.
Regarding the trip, there is good news and bad news. We made it through the family trip to Oregon in a LOT better shape than the Tahoe trip and I was able to take a quiet, candle-lit "time-out" when I really needed one. And S was generally more centered and supportive, though he had to do a few hours of work while we were there - thinking about it now, I wonder if that helped him stay centered? In any case, overall, much better trip in terms of fighting less and staying relatively balanced.
The bad news is that I still had a LOT of critical thoughts come up about S, in terms of physical flaws. I think I'm seeing the connection pretty clearly between family time and increased anxiety about S being "good enough." I do recognize how arrogant and mean this sounds... I so wish I could control this evil part of my brain.
As the weekend wore on, S could feel distance and I ended up sharing that I wasn't feeling connected to him physically, which was hard for him to hear. Then, at the end of the trip he pressed me to say more about what was up for me that was leading to him feeling distance. So I shared more details about where my mind was going (fitness, age-difference, etc.), but that was very painful for him to hear. :(
I think there are factors throwing fuel on the evil fire in my brain including: as mentioned, the anxiety and lack of self-acceptance that comes up with family; the progesterone supplements - and likely the dhea and other long-term supplements I'm on; and the added pressure of us talking about living together and marriage.
In our talk on the way home, I had some grief come up again about missing out on that "young love" and commitment experience of falling in love with abandon, knowing this is the right person for you - the love of your life - and easily moving forward and deciding to settle down together. I had the falling in love with abandon thing in my early 20's with someone who was not available (and not even a good match in retrospect) - the ex I've written about here. But it never got out of the gate and other relationships didn't come close to that. Well, maybe one college boyfriend, but it was definitely immature love, and when I graduated a year ahead of him, I met someone else.
S and I do have a more mature love, but he's pretty restrained in the ga-ga romance department and has understandably been affected by being married twice before. And, though I feel a lot of love and attraction for him, I would ideally like to feel more consistent chemistry.
I'm obviously feeling some confusion. This week, I will make another counseling appointment to get some help in sorting it out. I wish it were more simple - or that I could remove part of my brain! I am open to feedback or advice.
Regarding the trip, there is good news and bad news. We made it through the family trip to Oregon in a LOT better shape than the Tahoe trip and I was able to take a quiet, candle-lit "time-out" when I really needed one. And S was generally more centered and supportive, though he had to do a few hours of work while we were there - thinking about it now, I wonder if that helped him stay centered? In any case, overall, much better trip in terms of fighting less and staying relatively balanced.
The bad news is that I still had a LOT of critical thoughts come up about S, in terms of physical flaws. I think I'm seeing the connection pretty clearly between family time and increased anxiety about S being "good enough." I do recognize how arrogant and mean this sounds... I so wish I could control this evil part of my brain.
As the weekend wore on, S could feel distance and I ended up sharing that I wasn't feeling connected to him physically, which was hard for him to hear. Then, at the end of the trip he pressed me to say more about what was up for me that was leading to him feeling distance. So I shared more details about where my mind was going (fitness, age-difference, etc.), but that was very painful for him to hear. :(
I think there are factors throwing fuel on the evil fire in my brain including: as mentioned, the anxiety and lack of self-acceptance that comes up with family; the progesterone supplements - and likely the dhea and other long-term supplements I'm on; and the added pressure of us talking about living together and marriage.
In our talk on the way home, I had some grief come up again about missing out on that "young love" and commitment experience of falling in love with abandon, knowing this is the right person for you - the love of your life - and easily moving forward and deciding to settle down together. I had the falling in love with abandon thing in my early 20's with someone who was not available (and not even a good match in retrospect) - the ex I've written about here. But it never got out of the gate and other relationships didn't come close to that. Well, maybe one college boyfriend, but it was definitely immature love, and when I graduated a year ahead of him, I met someone else.
S and I do have a more mature love, but he's pretty restrained in the ga-ga romance department and has understandably been affected by being married twice before. And, though I feel a lot of love and attraction for him, I would ideally like to feel more consistent chemistry.
I'm obviously feeling some confusion. This week, I will make another counseling appointment to get some help in sorting it out. I wish it were more simple - or that I could remove part of my brain! I am open to feedback or advice.
9/12/2013
Rolling Along
I think I've definitely reached "jaded" status. I'm just rolling through the motions of this IUI without a lot of excitement, hope, or much of any emotion, really. I guess I had a minor stress episode when my bbt was up a bit when just starting to do my OPKs (and seeing a very faint line). I thought I knew where I was in the cycle - quite early still - but then I got worried... which was my own fault really, since I tried to second-guess the fertility clinic's advice and skip a monitoring appointment. I called the nurse sheepishly and agreed to come in the next morning, as planned. I think I would likely have been okay waiting one more day but better safe than sorry.
The follicles - all two of them :( - ended up being big enough to trigger, so I did so on the spot and came in for the IUI bright and early Sunday morning. I felt quite a few twinges before and after ovulation this cycle... but no other symptoms so far, even though I'm on progesterone. I was so disappointed to learn there were only two follicles - one on each ovary. There were a few other little ones but they never took off.
Oh, and I started acupuncture again last week with someone who seems a lot more skilled than the last "normal" acupuncturist I went to, and certainly more skilled than the community acupuncturists who can't even place needles in my abdomen. At one point in the treatment, she used these cool needles that send electric pulses into the site. She also put a few little needle patches in my ear before I left - anyone else had those? I got used to them, but at first I kept forgetting they were there, rubbing my ear, and saying "Ow!". I have another session tomorrow morning.
In other news, the universe has an odd sense of humor. Turns out, S and I are heading up to visit my family in Oregon under pretty much the same circumstances of the ill-fated Tahoe trip! It will be about the same time in my cycle, I'm on progesterone, and we're doing an injectable cycle. Wish us luck!
Luckily, I saw the counselor on Tuesday, and she gave me some good framing and strategies for us to use. One strategy is to consciously have "recovery" time when we come out of a period of time with family. Unfortunately, because they aren't able to do the unconditional love or acceptance thing, I am not able to be open and relaxed when I'm with them (mainly my parents) and can end up feeling not so good about myself. This can lead to tension with S and I, which sucks. So I want to try some journaling, prayer, meditation, quiet time, etc. when coming out of these times and see how it goes.
Saturday we are all meeting up at 11am and heading to the Duck game. Woo hoo! Then, we'll come back to my brother's house afterwards for dinner and to hang out. S and I are bringing Zoey and staying in a hotel the first night (we'll likely get in very late on Friday), then at my brother's the next two nights. He and his wife bought a big new house that has an extra room and bathroom, so that should be cool. Can't wait to hold and play with my nieces and nephew.
The follicles - all two of them :( - ended up being big enough to trigger, so I did so on the spot and came in for the IUI bright and early Sunday morning. I felt quite a few twinges before and after ovulation this cycle... but no other symptoms so far, even though I'm on progesterone. I was so disappointed to learn there were only two follicles - one on each ovary. There were a few other little ones but they never took off.
Oh, and I started acupuncture again last week with someone who seems a lot more skilled than the last "normal" acupuncturist I went to, and certainly more skilled than the community acupuncturists who can't even place needles in my abdomen. At one point in the treatment, she used these cool needles that send electric pulses into the site. She also put a few little needle patches in my ear before I left - anyone else had those? I got used to them, but at first I kept forgetting they were there, rubbing my ear, and saying "Ow!". I have another session tomorrow morning.
In other news, the universe has an odd sense of humor. Turns out, S and I are heading up to visit my family in Oregon under pretty much the same circumstances of the ill-fated Tahoe trip! It will be about the same time in my cycle, I'm on progesterone, and we're doing an injectable cycle. Wish us luck!
Luckily, I saw the counselor on Tuesday, and she gave me some good framing and strategies for us to use. One strategy is to consciously have "recovery" time when we come out of a period of time with family. Unfortunately, because they aren't able to do the unconditional love or acceptance thing, I am not able to be open and relaxed when I'm with them (mainly my parents) and can end up feeling not so good about myself. This can lead to tension with S and I, which sucks. So I want to try some journaling, prayer, meditation, quiet time, etc. when coming out of these times and see how it goes.
Saturday we are all meeting up at 11am and heading to the Duck game. Woo hoo! Then, we'll come back to my brother's house afterwards for dinner and to hang out. S and I are bringing Zoey and staying in a hotel the first night (we'll likely get in very late on Friday), then at my brother's the next two nights. He and his wife bought a big new house that has an extra room and bathroom, so that should be cool. Can't wait to hold and play with my nieces and nephew.
8/30/2013
Coming to an end...
...of my journey with injectable cycles. This will be my last one in the foreseeable future. Studies show not much benefit for women my age anyway. More success has been seen with natural cycles or, I think, even Femara. I really hope to catch the "bump" cycle following this one (assuming this one doesn't work!) with an IUI this time. If you remember, we missed our IUI on the last "bump" cycle due to our DC travel plans.
My temperatures have been gradually dropping the last couple mornings, so I'm assuming AF will arrive today or tomorrow. Fertility Friend indicates I'm at 13dpo, but in my opinion I could also be at 12dpo. I usually start my cycle on 13dpo. Once it starts, I will go in for my first monitoring appointment the following day, and the ride will begin!
In our Tuesday phone consult, which confirmed we will be using the same protocol as the last injectable cycle, I asked the doctor about embryo donation sites and will probably begin checking those out. S and I have had a couple of preliminary conversations about this, and we both seem open to it. I feel good about the way things are going lately with us. Trip to Oregon planned for the weekend of September 14th. More to share on that later.
My temperatures have been gradually dropping the last couple mornings, so I'm assuming AF will arrive today or tomorrow. Fertility Friend indicates I'm at 13dpo, but in my opinion I could also be at 12dpo. I usually start my cycle on 13dpo. Once it starts, I will go in for my first monitoring appointment the following day, and the ride will begin!
In our Tuesday phone consult, which confirmed we will be using the same protocol as the last injectable cycle, I asked the doctor about embryo donation sites and will probably begin checking those out. S and I have had a couple of preliminary conversations about this, and we both seem open to it. I feel good about the way things are going lately with us. Trip to Oregon planned for the weekend of September 14th. More to share on that later.
8/24/2013
New Fun Things
I have seen other bloggers do regular posts like "Small Good Things," etc., and I thought I would jump on the bandwagon. I'm going to try a post every month or so on things that have just started or are about to start and feel "fun" to me. Here is the first installation:
Hope you are all having a great weekend. I had a blast at our barbeque last Sunday - the perfect combination of sun, beer, bbq, and good conversation. Gave me that needed dose of summer fun...
- S and I are trying out a new progressive church tomorrow. Finding a church has been something I've wanted for myself and for us ever since we started dating. More spiritual foundation and community will hopefully be grounding and supportive for us.
- NorCal Transition and Permaculture Conference. I think I blogged about the regional Transition Town conference last year. I'm on the planning committee again this year, we're combining with Permaculture folks, and it's going to be way bigger! Entertainment, dancing, a world market, and tons of great keynote speakers - including Rob Hopkins, Richard Heinberg and Julia Butterfly Hill - and workshops. It's will take place the second weekend in October in the beautiful town of Hopland up North. Dog friendly hotel here we come!
- A book called, "Attached." Not everyone would find this one fun! S and I are getting a lot out of it's description of attachment styles and how to work toward having more "Secure" attachment behaviors with one another. It's so interesting - I also feel some chagrin! - to see myself so accurately described in the "Avoidant" attachment style section. The patterns include "Phantom Lover"s, or idealizing your exes, and focusing on the negative aspects of your partner and forgetting the good.
- Meno.pur has been purchased and have an appointment on Tuesday with my San Francisco RE to talk about the upcoming injectable IUI cycle. Wondering if he could throw any more into the protocol that "won't hurt but could help." If nothing comes of that, then we will do a similar protocol with three vials/day of Meno.pur, since my response was good last time. Currently on 7dpo of a natural cycle. I didn't ovulate until Cycle Day 15, which is several days later than I have been ovulating recently and seems like a good thing. No signs to speak of yet, but the past few days, I've been sick with a throat/congestion-type virus. Didn't I hear that being sick can actually increase your chances? Maybe I'm dreaming that up.
Hope you are all having a great weekend. I had a blast at our barbeque last Sunday - the perfect combination of sun, beer, bbq, and good conversation. Gave me that needed dose of summer fun...
8/05/2013
DC Trip, Relationship, and TTC Plans
I'm still here! Washington DC was amazing, visiting all the memorials - Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, FDR, MLK, and more - and the museums. The American Indian museum was very cool - both the building and the art/artifacts! The heat wasn't too bad, though we definitely got our "true summer" time in. Northern California summer is nothing like the heavier, immersive heat of the East Coast. We stayed in a great little hotel, very near his daughter. I love hotel evenings and morning, chilling out and watching TV, etc., I'm weird that way.
The connection with his daughter couldn't have gone better. She's so sweet, smart, and easy to get along with, and we all had some great conversations. He hasn't had a lot of "normal" time with his daughter since he and his ex-wife's divorce when she was in her teens, so it was fun and special to stay the last night at her place and talk over a couple of beers on the rooftop. We got to meet her boyfriend - smart and politically up and coming young guy - and spent the day together wandering around Gettysburg and the museum, learning a lot about the Civil War and the significance of that battle.
S and I got along fairly well - only a couple small rough patches - but the process of me working through my doubts about us is sort of hanging over our relationship right now. I've spend some time reflecting, writing, talking to S, and plan to spend some more time over the next couple of days. I love him a lot, of course, but I need to release the fears and judgments around whether our chemistry is "good enough" for me.
I'm really taking a look at the comparisons I have been making between him and our connection, and the guys I was with in my 20's and the greater passion and abandon I felt at that time. I'm realizing that it's not fair to compare the two, and if I can't let that ago and accept all the wonderful things S and I have, including a good (if more controlled) love life, then the long-term future would be miserable for both of us. And it's not just accepting the wonderful things, but the challenging parts too - recognizing they all make up who he and "we" are, and the more I can be present with everything, the more peace and happiness I can experience. Please wish me luck, as it's a difficult emotional journey right now.
With regard to ttc, as you might imagine, this cycle ended with disappointment. It wasn't too surprising, as we were unable to get an IUI in. I ovulated quite early this month for some reason, perhaps the ongoing effects of last months medicated cycle. So I just missed seeing the surge on my OPKs. Oddly, my breasts were sore from ovulation through the entire luteal phase, which is never the case for me. Any idea what was going on with that? I did do an HCG shot, post ovulation.
I feel like my body is failing me. We're taking this month off, during which I'll try to procure some (unopened) leftover Menopur from the great, underground fertility black market. Then, the idea is to do a medicated cycle the following month, do just an IUI in the "bump" month after that, and if all that doesn't work, go in for fibroid surgery in late October or November. I can't help but think that this huge object, which is distorting my cervix, might be affecting uterine receptivity (though it appeared outside the uterus on the MRI). Plus it affects my health and comfort to some degree.
The connection with his daughter couldn't have gone better. She's so sweet, smart, and easy to get along with, and we all had some great conversations. He hasn't had a lot of "normal" time with his daughter since he and his ex-wife's divorce when she was in her teens, so it was fun and special to stay the last night at her place and talk over a couple of beers on the rooftop. We got to meet her boyfriend - smart and politically up and coming young guy - and spent the day together wandering around Gettysburg and the museum, learning a lot about the Civil War and the significance of that battle.
S and I got along fairly well - only a couple small rough patches - but the process of me working through my doubts about us is sort of hanging over our relationship right now. I've spend some time reflecting, writing, talking to S, and plan to spend some more time over the next couple of days. I love him a lot, of course, but I need to release the fears and judgments around whether our chemistry is "good enough" for me.
I'm really taking a look at the comparisons I have been making between him and our connection, and the guys I was with in my 20's and the greater passion and abandon I felt at that time. I'm realizing that it's not fair to compare the two, and if I can't let that ago and accept all the wonderful things S and I have, including a good (if more controlled) love life, then the long-term future would be miserable for both of us. And it's not just accepting the wonderful things, but the challenging parts too - recognizing they all make up who he and "we" are, and the more I can be present with everything, the more peace and happiness I can experience. Please wish me luck, as it's a difficult emotional journey right now.
With regard to ttc, as you might imagine, this cycle ended with disappointment. It wasn't too surprising, as we were unable to get an IUI in. I ovulated quite early this month for some reason, perhaps the ongoing effects of last months medicated cycle. So I just missed seeing the surge on my OPKs. Oddly, my breasts were sore from ovulation through the entire luteal phase, which is never the case for me. Any idea what was going on with that? I did do an HCG shot, post ovulation.
I feel like my body is failing me. We're taking this month off, during which I'll try to procure some (unopened) leftover Menopur from the great, underground fertility black market. Then, the idea is to do a medicated cycle the following month, do just an IUI in the "bump" month after that, and if all that doesn't work, go in for fibroid surgery in late October or November. I can't help but think that this huge object, which is distorting my cervix, might be affecting uterine receptivity (though it appeared outside the uterus on the MRI). Plus it affects my health and comfort to some degree.
7/23/2013
Seeking Simplicity
Oh Lord, why can't things be more simple?
I have been testing twice a day since Saturday, still no positive on the OPKs (doing two types - no smiley face and no darker second line). My body, on the other hand, seems to be telling me I ovulated yesterday morning. My breasts have been sore for the last few days - they never normally get sore before my ovulation, but I understand this can happen. I had a headache all day yesterday. On an odd side note, I had a double dose of my normal sexy feelings on Friday/Saturday. Lastly, my temperature went up a couple of tenths yesterday and a fraction of a tenth again today. It seems like my hormones are still a bit revved up from the medicated cycle last month, but there seem to be indicators pointing to ovulating yesterday, don't you agree?
We were trying to avoid a lot of monitoring this cycle, but I concede the picture is much less clear without it. I just wanted a simple positive OPK-do the trigger shot-go in for an IUI the next day cycle. Is that too much to ask? Yes, apparently it is.
We leave for our trip tomorrow mid-day. If I don't get a positive OPK this evening, then we will forgo the IUI and hope for the best. If I get a positive, then I'll do the trigger shot and we'll go for the IUI right before driving to the airport - which would be a bit crazy but worth it to bypass by difficult cervix and give things more of a chance. S and I have been covering the bases with BDing, so if they can fight their way through...
On a more positive note, the talk with the NVC support person went well. She suggested I might choose to celebrate the intense relationship I had with R in my early 20's, in which I was able to feel such excitement and abandon (which may lead to some letting go). Considering how poorly things went in our second try a few years ago, these feelings are clearly more specific to that past relationship and who I/we were then, versus any lasting reality.
I can also continue to ask myself whether I can be present in my relationship with S and fully experience love with him, allowing all of who he is, including faults, and all our relationship brings to my life. Am I able to open to that kind of love right now, in this moment? Maybe not, but I hope that I am.
On his part, he had a realization that he was subconsciously testing me in certain ways, and he thinks that our honest conversation last night may well help tone down the fighting we can fall into.
I have been testing twice a day since Saturday, still no positive on the OPKs (doing two types - no smiley face and no darker second line). My body, on the other hand, seems to be telling me I ovulated yesterday morning. My breasts have been sore for the last few days - they never normally get sore before my ovulation, but I understand this can happen. I had a headache all day yesterday. On an odd side note, I had a double dose of my normal sexy feelings on Friday/Saturday. Lastly, my temperature went up a couple of tenths yesterday and a fraction of a tenth again today. It seems like my hormones are still a bit revved up from the medicated cycle last month, but there seem to be indicators pointing to ovulating yesterday, don't you agree?
We were trying to avoid a lot of monitoring this cycle, but I concede the picture is much less clear without it. I just wanted a simple positive OPK-do the trigger shot-go in for an IUI the next day cycle. Is that too much to ask? Yes, apparently it is.
We leave for our trip tomorrow mid-day. If I don't get a positive OPK this evening, then we will forgo the IUI and hope for the best. If I get a positive, then I'll do the trigger shot and we'll go for the IUI right before driving to the airport - which would be a bit crazy but worth it to bypass by difficult cervix and give things more of a chance. S and I have been covering the bases with BDing, so if they can fight their way through...
On a more positive note, the talk with the NVC support person went well. She suggested I might choose to celebrate the intense relationship I had with R in my early 20's, in which I was able to feel such excitement and abandon (which may lead to some letting go). Considering how poorly things went in our second try a few years ago, these feelings are clearly more specific to that past relationship and who I/we were then, versus any lasting reality.
I can also continue to ask myself whether I can be present in my relationship with S and fully experience love with him, allowing all of who he is, including faults, and all our relationship brings to my life. Am I able to open to that kind of love right now, in this moment? Maybe not, but I hope that I am.
On his part, he had a realization that he was subconsciously testing me in certain ways, and he thinks that our honest conversation last night may well help tone down the fighting we can fall into.
7/20/2013
Struggling
I haven't been posting much because of being in a tough place with S right now. He's coming over today to finish the conversation we started about the Lake Tahoe trip on Thursday night. It was a productive conversation - one key insight emerged that, at our core, we both want the same thing, i.e. to stay connected and not be "abandoned" by the other while with family. But our strategies and vision of what this looks like are very different and actually can work against each other.
The fact that we devolve into such an ugly and painful place when we are emotionally triggered and fighting in these situations brings up some pretty intense fear in me. I want us to have more discipline and ability to stay grounded in the face of stress (of which life dishes out plenty). Even more than that, I long for us to have the ability to support one another through difficult times - to prop each other up versus tear each other down further.
Yes, progesterone most definitely played a role. But why couldn't he keep that in mind and cut me more slack, versus becoming angry and reactive? I needed help to find my way back to my better self and to remember the bigger picture. For a variety of reasons, including his own anxieties and fears, he couldn't help me with that. Maybe my expectations of him are neither fair nor possible.
Wish us luck in our discussions. We leave this coming Wednesday for a week-long trip to Washington DC to see his daughter and her boyfriend, and participate in a climate change rally. We will need to be strong and resilient to make it through this trip and come out the other side in decent shape. In addition to our discussions, I'm seeking individual support in the form of a Non-Violent Communication "Empathy Session" (basically a support session), which will hopefully take place today or tomorrow. I have a sense that I need to grieve the parts of S which do not match my "ideal" version of a mate or of a relationship. My continued internal judgments of him don't help the situation.
On the ttc front, I am still planning to start doing OPKs later today. We may or may not do an IUI before we leave on the trip. Otherwise, we will just do a trigger shot and try naturally, as mentioned. I plan to go to acupuncture weekly again, starting when I get back from DC.
The fact that we devolve into such an ugly and painful place when we are emotionally triggered and fighting in these situations brings up some pretty intense fear in me. I want us to have more discipline and ability to stay grounded in the face of stress (of which life dishes out plenty). Even more than that, I long for us to have the ability to support one another through difficult times - to prop each other up versus tear each other down further.
Yes, progesterone most definitely played a role. But why couldn't he keep that in mind and cut me more slack, versus becoming angry and reactive? I needed help to find my way back to my better self and to remember the bigger picture. For a variety of reasons, including his own anxieties and fears, he couldn't help me with that. Maybe my expectations of him are neither fair nor possible.
Wish us luck in our discussions. We leave this coming Wednesday for a week-long trip to Washington DC to see his daughter and her boyfriend, and participate in a climate change rally. We will need to be strong and resilient to make it through this trip and come out the other side in decent shape. In addition to our discussions, I'm seeking individual support in the form of a Non-Violent Communication "Empathy Session" (basically a support session), which will hopefully take place today or tomorrow. I have a sense that I need to grieve the parts of S which do not match my "ideal" version of a mate or of a relationship. My continued internal judgments of him don't help the situation.
On the ttc front, I am still planning to start doing OPKs later today. We may or may not do an IUI before we leave on the trip. Otherwise, we will just do a trigger shot and try naturally, as mentioned. I plan to go to acupuncture weekly again, starting when I get back from DC.
7/12/2013
What's going on?
I'm at 13dpo and pretty sure this cycle is a bust. My period is starting so strangely, though. I've had no cramping but have had quite a bit of dark spotting this morning with a, sorry for tmi, tiny bit of tissue and a couple red spots. Also, my boobs are no longer sore but for a minute they had a burning sensation. Very unusual.
Anyone other ttc'ers had any of these wierd symptoms?
I'll let you know what happens as the day goes on. I'm thinking it's likely I'll get my period sometime soon, sad to say.
It's S's birthday today. We have been talking less this past week, trying to sort through what the h-e-double hockey sticks happened on the Tahoe trip. Last night, we had dinner at a yummy noodle place and talked a bit. It was good to see him, and I felt closer to him by the end of the evening. Could progesterone be the main culprit? It's hard to believe it is that powerful.
Anyone other ttc'ers had any of these wierd symptoms?
I'll let you know what happens as the day goes on. I'm thinking it's likely I'll get my period sometime soon, sad to say.
It's S's birthday today. We have been talking less this past week, trying to sort through what the h-e-double hockey sticks happened on the Tahoe trip. Last night, we had dinner at a yummy noodle place and talked a bit. It was good to see him, and I felt closer to him by the end of the evening. Could progesterone be the main culprit? It's hard to believe it is that powerful.
7/07/2013
Cycle Report: 8 dpo
The IUI went swimmingly, so to speak. ;-) Although, perhaps not as painlessly... the doctor on duty was one I had never seen before and, to begin with, she tilted my head down/hips up somewhat, which was a new twist. Then, she had trouble locating/positioning my cervix. Finally, she poked the back of my uterus, causing me to cry out. So, her technique was not the smoothest, yet she got the job done. And I wondered afterwards whether poking my uterus might actually be a good thing, due to what I've heard about uterine biopsies increasing pregnancy rates. What do you all think about that idea? Oh, and S's counts were great, as they were previously.
I've had a few signs over the past week, which could also be attributed to the progesterone I'm taking:
Regarding the last sign, I'm wondering if progesterone is cumulative? In other words, the longer I take it, the more my progesterone level rises? I also think the multiple follicles had an additive effect on my hormone levels, both with estrogen in the follicular phase and now progesterone.
The emotional side of things has been pretty brutal. S and I went to Tahoe to spend time with my parents, brother and family, and sister and family - plus my aunt and cousin - from Wednesday until this morning. We had several arguments, which I felt very sad about because we can't seem to have an argument-free visit with family.
One good insight that came out of the arguing and our processing on the way home is realizing that we approach family visits and prioritize things differently. To me, the most important thing is our connection to each other, and for him, the most important thing is contributing and interacting well with family. I think the latter is important, also, but a lower priority compared to maintaining our own relationship.
In any case, it was clear that I was progesterone affected and became angry or upset much more easily. If progesterone does accumulate, then this next week is going to be a wild ride.
We did have many good experiences on the trip, too, including some great time with my nieces and nephew. Baby V let me hold her even though she had an ear infection and was fussy. My oldest niece, J, and I colored together, which is always special, and my three-year-old nephew, E, sat on my lap on the boat ride and played cars. We also ate some great food, enjoyed hanging out on the dock, and had a great dance party with the kids one night. I wish I could see the kids more often.
I've had a few signs over the past week, which could also be attributed to the progesterone I'm taking:
- Sore breasts since the day after the IUI (even before starting the progesterone).
- Very, very emotional - easy to anger and easy to cry.
- My temps stair-stepped up the last couple of days and today were 98.74.
Regarding the last sign, I'm wondering if progesterone is cumulative? In other words, the longer I take it, the more my progesterone level rises? I also think the multiple follicles had an additive effect on my hormone levels, both with estrogen in the follicular phase and now progesterone.
The emotional side of things has been pretty brutal. S and I went to Tahoe to spend time with my parents, brother and family, and sister and family - plus my aunt and cousin - from Wednesday until this morning. We had several arguments, which I felt very sad about because we can't seem to have an argument-free visit with family.
One good insight that came out of the arguing and our processing on the way home is realizing that we approach family visits and prioritize things differently. To me, the most important thing is our connection to each other, and for him, the most important thing is contributing and interacting well with family. I think the latter is important, also, but a lower priority compared to maintaining our own relationship.
In any case, it was clear that I was progesterone affected and became angry or upset much more easily. If progesterone does accumulate, then this next week is going to be a wild ride.
We did have many good experiences on the trip, too, including some great time with my nieces and nephew. Baby V let me hold her even though she had an ear infection and was fussy. My oldest niece, J, and I colored together, which is always special, and my three-year-old nephew, E, sat on my lap on the boat ride and played cars. We also ate some great food, enjoyed hanging out on the dock, and had a great dance party with the kids one night. I wish I could see the kids more often.
6/28/2013
Good News and Rockin' CM
I have some good news!
I responded well to the 225 dose of Menopur and have five mature follicles! Well, one of them is on the small side at 15mm, but the rest are 17-21mm. I self-administered the trigger shot right there around 10:30am in the doctor's office. S and I will be back there bright and early tomorrow morning - he will do his part at 8:15 and I'll close with the IUI at 10:15. Maybe we'll have breakfast in SF in between appointments.
This cycle has been different than my other injectable cycles in so many ways: first, I actually had to have two monitoring appointments before triggering, whereas I've only gotten to one in the past before my follicles ballooned up. Second, I had follicles growing and keeping pace on both ovaries, when previously I had the synchronization problem and ended up triggering with only a couple of them mature. Third, I'm doing the IUI on day 11... I'll have to go back and look, but I think that's at least a day or two later than previously. Soooo, fingers crossed.
The other odd thing I wanted to share - which really may be TMI, and I will not be offended if you tune out now - is that, for the first time ever, I had the experience of egg-white CM literally "falling out" of me! I had read about this in books but never experienced it. On Tuesday night, as I was getting dressed after showering, I felt something, reached down, and caught it. Yep, the stringy, egg-white stuff. Crazy! I was told it's presence is simply due to increased estrogen from multiple follicles, but, despite this scientific explanation, it still seems like a good sign. S and I BD'd that night and Thursday night for good measure, so I guess it went to a small bit of use. Does anyone know if CM matters at all with IUIs? I'm thinking no... maybe just that my estrogen level is good?
Anyway, hope you all have a good weekend. It's getting hot here; at least hot for Nor-Cal.
p.s. Congratulations to Jenny at Sprout!!! Her and J's little guy, Seamus, has finally arrived! Please send good thoughts that his jaundice resolves very soon.
6/16/2013
11 dpo: All Quiet on the Uterine Front
This is the hardest part of a two-week wait, at least for me. You are trying to sense any pregnancy signs, even when you tell yourself ten times not too, that it's a futile endeavor. You know that if something's going to happen, it has likely started, but there's no way to know until a few more days pass (unless your taking an HPT, which I'm not).
I wish I had more encouraging news to report. I've felt nothing of consequence in the uterine region. The only clear signs I've felt so far are all common complaints of progesterone supplementation:
If my cycle doesn't start by Wednesday, I've been instructed to go in for a blood test. If this cycle is a no go, then we'll see if I'm cyst-free for the next cycle. If so, then S and I will go forward with injectable medication plus IUI.
I wish I had more encouraging news to report. I've felt nothing of consequence in the uterine region. The only clear signs I've felt so far are all common complaints of progesterone supplementation:
- Breast soreness
- Headaches
- Irritable/emotional moods
If my cycle doesn't start by Wednesday, I've been instructed to go in for a blood test. If this cycle is a no go, then we'll see if I'm cyst-free for the next cycle. If so, then S and I will go forward with injectable medication plus IUI.
6/06/2013
On the other side...
Writing this post from the other side. Another IUI on the books. Outcome yet unknown.
Everything went as well as it could have, I would say. I went for the ultrasound Monday, still not having seen my LH surge. The doctor saw two dominant follicles, one on the right and one on the left, and one smaller. Measurements were 23 and 26mm, definitely triggerable size. There is a chance that the one on the left was the cyst, which had grown some. The doc thought it was likely new, though. I gave myself the trigger shot that night at 11pm, having still not seen a surge. IUI scheduled for Wednesday morning.
It was going to be at 11am, but I had a lunch meeting scheduled with a group of my birth mom's high school girlfriends, which was important to me and I wanted to try and make if I could (I will share about that visit in another post). The fertility center was kind enough to move my appointment up to 10am and S was kind enough to get into the office to make his deposit an hour earlier, at 8am. Thanks, baby! He was so nervous about the whole thing, it was endearing. Maybe I'm jaded after have done several of these.
I did get a little nervous the morning of the IUI... part of the reason is the importance of timing in a natural cycle. S had to be on time, or else my procedure could be delayed. I had to be on time or it might be detrimental to the sample. We never saw each other, but our actions were very coordinated and interdependent! We texted back and forth the whole morning.
The IUI went like clockwork. I was told the doc I had trained most of the ObGyns in the East Bay. I wouldn't be surprised because it was the quickest, most efficient IUI I've ever received. Before the procedure, they made me look at the vial three times. For some reason, I didn't want to see it! I kept thinking, "Just get it inside of me!" lol It was such a small amount, too, I was surprised. I guess they separate out the swimmers from the fluid, so it reduces down a lot. They told me that the numbers were great (120 million, and they want a minimum of 20 million) and that S gets an "A." I told him, and he obviously felt good about it. :-)
I have a question for those of you who have had IUIs: Did they encourage you to lie down for a while afterwards? I did with all my other IUIs, but at this place, they didn't seem to give much value to this practice at all. He was like, "You can stay for a few minutes if you want, but if you have somewhere to be..." I didn't actually end up staying too long but it was at least five or 10 minutes.
As I'm writing this, I just remembered I have to take my first progesterone pill tonight. I'm not looking forward to the side effects, but I know mine has been low so I'm happy to have the help. Here's hoping!
Everything went as well as it could have, I would say. I went for the ultrasound Monday, still not having seen my LH surge. The doctor saw two dominant follicles, one on the right and one on the left, and one smaller. Measurements were 23 and 26mm, definitely triggerable size. There is a chance that the one on the left was the cyst, which had grown some. The doc thought it was likely new, though. I gave myself the trigger shot that night at 11pm, having still not seen a surge. IUI scheduled for Wednesday morning.
It was going to be at 11am, but I had a lunch meeting scheduled with a group of my birth mom's high school girlfriends, which was important to me and I wanted to try and make if I could (I will share about that visit in another post). The fertility center was kind enough to move my appointment up to 10am and S was kind enough to get into the office to make his deposit an hour earlier, at 8am. Thanks, baby! He was so nervous about the whole thing, it was endearing. Maybe I'm jaded after have done several of these.
I did get a little nervous the morning of the IUI... part of the reason is the importance of timing in a natural cycle. S had to be on time, or else my procedure could be delayed. I had to be on time or it might be detrimental to the sample. We never saw each other, but our actions were very coordinated and interdependent! We texted back and forth the whole morning.
The IUI went like clockwork. I was told the doc I had trained most of the ObGyns in the East Bay. I wouldn't be surprised because it was the quickest, most efficient IUI I've ever received. Before the procedure, they made me look at the vial three times. For some reason, I didn't want to see it! I kept thinking, "Just get it inside of me!" lol It was such a small amount, too, I was surprised. I guess they separate out the swimmers from the fluid, so it reduces down a lot. They told me that the numbers were great (120 million, and they want a minimum of 20 million) and that S gets an "A." I told him, and he obviously felt good about it. :-)
I have a question for those of you who have had IUIs: Did they encourage you to lie down for a while afterwards? I did with all my other IUIs, but at this place, they didn't seem to give much value to this practice at all. He was like, "You can stay for a few minutes if you want, but if you have somewhere to be..." I didn't actually end up staying too long but it was at least five or 10 minutes.
As I'm writing this, I just remembered I have to take my first progesterone pill tonight. I'm not looking forward to the side effects, but I know mine has been low so I'm happy to have the help. Here's hoping!
6/01/2013
Coming Out - plus TTC Update
Before I get to my ttc update, I wanted to share what's been going on in another area of my life...
Sooo, the last few months I've been working with a Coach, who is helping me reach out to potential clients as an independent Career Counselor. My idea is that I will continue working with a community college or colleges, and have a few independent clients, as well.
Working independently versus under the umbrella of a school or an organization, feels newly liberating. I had three independent clients at the end of last year/beginning of this year and worked with a few people when I lived in San Luis Obispo, as well. When I met with them in independent counseling sessions, it allowed me to truly focus on the their current needs and allow the trajectory of their process to guide us in our work.
The only hitch to doing more of this work is that I needed to actually generate more of this work! Marketing is not my forte, nor something I enjoy doing. I am a bit shy with people I don't know, and I prefer deeper conversation to making small talk - a label which I think applies to most efforts to sell yourself or promote your business. Handing out my business card to everyone I meet? Ack, sounds incredibly awkward. Can't people just find me by telepathy or osmosis or something?
Anyway, I've been working on developing confidence and overcoming my anxiety, which tends to block forward momentum. In the last three months, I have scheduled meetings with my coach every couple of weeks. My experience has been that in between our meetings, things tend to get done, even if I end up cramming and getting them done the day before. Accumulating these successes had helped to build confidence.
Today, for example, I put the finishing touches on my "Coming Out Letter." I hope I don't insult anyone referring to the process this way. I know it's not nearly as life altering and potentially terrifying as coming out as gay (I saw a couple of my friends go through this and it was a huge life event), but it does feel vulnerable and like I'm exposing this new part of myself that is raw and sensitive.
We also did a visualization exercise, in which I connected with my "Captain," the part of me that is unconditionally loving, compassionate, clear, confident, and supportive. Not surprisingly, another part of me that I call my "Sabateur" came up and tried to figuratively shank my Captain with negativity and judgments lol, but some significant insights and guidance came out of the process. *As a side note, my Captain looked like a non-blue female Avatar, wearing animal pelts. She was pretty cool.
In any case, I committed to send my letter out to at least a dozen friends, and I thought I might share my letter here with this community, as well (see below). I would love to hear your thoughts before sending it out later this weekend. Please also feel free to pass it on to anyone you know who needs career counseling. I work over the phone, as well as in-person, and can be reached through this blog. I have a website I can then share with people, too. Thank you for your help!
Dear Friends,
I am writing to let you know that I’m doing it: I am hanging out my shingle as a Career Counselor! I’m excited to announce that I’m accepting new clients. I would like to offer you - and anyone that you refer - half off your first session.
As many of you know, my background includes over a decade of working in community colleges and non-profits as a Career and Academic Counselor. My favorite part of the job has always been working with people to figure out what they most love to do and then helping them focus and use these passions (and package their related skills) in the work they do in the world.
I wanted to share a little about what turns me on most about working independently... Working with people on my own allows me more freedom and creativity than when I work under the umbrella of a college or organization! When I work with clients through my business, I feel that “magic” can happen as I follow insights and their inspiration to the next step, and the next, as they pursue their dreams. Also, we are not held back by any government or grant requirements, and can set goals together based on their priorities and needs.
The clients I’m looking for include:
In a bit more detail, my services include:
My session fees are reasonable and include a sliding scale fee structure. In addition to the introductory offer mentioned above, for the next three months, I will also offer 20% off the total if clients sign up for three or more sessions. Due to the cumulative effect of our work together, and depending on a client’s goals, I suggest a minimum of three sessions, and up to 10 or more for longer-term transitions and support. I’m also happy to meet with someone one time, as well.
If you need support and direction in a career transition, or if you want to feel more inspired in your work, please contact me. Also, will you consider sending this note on to anyone you know who might be interested? I really appreciate your support.
Heartfully,
Kristina B., MA
Career Counselor
TTC UPDATE:
I'm on Day 9 of my current cycle, in which I took Femara again Days 3-7. As mentioned in a previous post, S and I decided to try Femara again because I had such a good response to this dose last time. I have purchased the Ovidrel trigger and the progesterone supplements, as well.
I was going to go out of town this weekend for S's nephew's graduation in San Diego, but if I would have gotten my LH surge on Saturday or Sunday, I would have had to go to a random fertility clinic in So. Cal. Doable but awkward. Also, we decided we wanted to save our money for ttc and a trip we're taking to DC to see his daughter at the end of July. So, I'm on my own this weekend, with plans to meet a friend Saturday for lunch and go dancing Sunday morning, but the rest of the time plans to work on creative projects, read, and lay in the sun.
Starting today (Friday), I am testing every morning with my new digital OPK. Wow, I will say it IS a lot easier with that little circle or smiley face reading. Very clear. When I get the positive, then I call Pac.ific Fertility Center and go in for an ultrasound. If I don't get a positive until Monday (or later), I definitely go in mid-day Monday for my scheduled ultrasound. I will likely do the trigger shot that day, with IUI to follow on Tuesday. S is nervous about the IUI. He's trying to follow all the rules to prepare and asking me about timing etc.; it's cute.
Finishing this post up on Saturday, Day 10. No smiley face this morning, which is a good thing. The earliest we would do the IUI is Monday, so S will not be at risk of cutting his family visit short. I hope tomorrow is a negative, as well, so I don't have to go in for a monitoring appointment tomorrow morning by myself.
We are definitely excited to be trying some new things this time. I don't think I mentioned, however, that I went in for the first monitoring appointment last weekend and the doctor saw what he thought was a cyst on my left ovary. Damn left ovary. But he thought it would likely resolve, and that there was no health risk to going forward, so we decided to keep on keeping on. I hope the risk pays off, but there is a chance the IUI will be cancelled if the cyst interfered with ovarian stimulation. Fingers crossed!
Sooo, the last few months I've been working with a Coach, who is helping me reach out to potential clients as an independent Career Counselor. My idea is that I will continue working with a community college or colleges, and have a few independent clients, as well.
Working independently versus under the umbrella of a school or an organization, feels newly liberating. I had three independent clients at the end of last year/beginning of this year and worked with a few people when I lived in San Luis Obispo, as well. When I met with them in independent counseling sessions, it allowed me to truly focus on the their current needs and allow the trajectory of their process to guide us in our work.
The only hitch to doing more of this work is that I needed to actually generate more of this work! Marketing is not my forte, nor something I enjoy doing. I am a bit shy with people I don't know, and I prefer deeper conversation to making small talk - a label which I think applies to most efforts to sell yourself or promote your business. Handing out my business card to everyone I meet? Ack, sounds incredibly awkward. Can't people just find me by telepathy or osmosis or something?
Anyway, I've been working on developing confidence and overcoming my anxiety, which tends to block forward momentum. In the last three months, I have scheduled meetings with my coach every couple of weeks. My experience has been that in between our meetings, things tend to get done, even if I end up cramming and getting them done the day before. Accumulating these successes had helped to build confidence.
Today, for example, I put the finishing touches on my "Coming Out Letter." I hope I don't insult anyone referring to the process this way. I know it's not nearly as life altering and potentially terrifying as coming out as gay (I saw a couple of my friends go through this and it was a huge life event), but it does feel vulnerable and like I'm exposing this new part of myself that is raw and sensitive.
We also did a visualization exercise, in which I connected with my "Captain," the part of me that is unconditionally loving, compassionate, clear, confident, and supportive. Not surprisingly, another part of me that I call my "Sabateur" came up and tried to figuratively shank my Captain with negativity and judgments lol, but some significant insights and guidance came out of the process. *As a side note, my Captain looked like a non-blue female Avatar, wearing animal pelts. She was pretty cool.
In any case, I committed to send my letter out to at least a dozen friends, and I thought I might share my letter here with this community, as well (see below). I would love to hear your thoughts before sending it out later this weekend. Please also feel free to pass it on to anyone you know who needs career counseling. I work over the phone, as well as in-person, and can be reached through this blog. I have a website I can then share with people, too. Thank you for your help!
Dear Friends,
I am writing to let you know that I’m doing it: I am hanging out my shingle as a Career Counselor! I’m excited to announce that I’m accepting new clients. I would like to offer you - and anyone that you refer - half off your first session.
As many of you know, my background includes over a decade of working in community colleges and non-profits as a Career and Academic Counselor. My favorite part of the job has always been working with people to figure out what they most love to do and then helping them focus and use these passions (and package their related skills) in the work they do in the world.
I wanted to share a little about what turns me on most about working independently... Working with people on my own allows me more freedom and creativity than when I work under the umbrella of a college or organization! When I work with clients through my business, I feel that “magic” can happen as I follow insights and their inspiration to the next step, and the next, as they pursue their dreams. Also, we are not held back by any government or grant requirements, and can set goals together based on their priorities and needs.
The clients I’m looking for include:
- Recent Graduates
- People in career transition needing guidance and someone “on their team.”
- People wanting more independence or inspiration in their work life
In a bit more detail, my services include:
- Providing assessments like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and the True Colors assessment to help my clients see and appreciate their strengths . . . which are then integrated into a dynamic counseling process connecting them, not just to their next job, but to their calling.
- Experienced guidance repackaging and adding to a client’s work experience in order to launch them in a new, more inspiring direction.
- Job search tips and strategies to save time and increase employer responses. Includes resume review and editing.
- Increasing client’s personal resiliency through building multiple income streams and a broad awareness of diverse skills and talents... as well as how these skills and talents can be combined to meet market/community needs.
- Green career counseling: Providing information and guidance on careers that help people and our planet thrive.
My session fees are reasonable and include a sliding scale fee structure. In addition to the introductory offer mentioned above, for the next three months, I will also offer 20% off the total if clients sign up for three or more sessions. Due to the cumulative effect of our work together, and depending on a client’s goals, I suggest a minimum of three sessions, and up to 10 or more for longer-term transitions and support. I’m also happy to meet with someone one time, as well.
If you need support and direction in a career transition, or if you want to feel more inspired in your work, please contact me. Also, will you consider sending this note on to anyone you know who might be interested? I really appreciate your support.
Heartfully,
Kristina B., MA
Career Counselor
TTC UPDATE:
I'm on Day 9 of my current cycle, in which I took Femara again Days 3-7. As mentioned in a previous post, S and I decided to try Femara again because I had such a good response to this dose last time. I have purchased the Ovidrel trigger and the progesterone supplements, as well.
I was going to go out of town this weekend for S's nephew's graduation in San Diego, but if I would have gotten my LH surge on Saturday or Sunday, I would have had to go to a random fertility clinic in So. Cal. Doable but awkward. Also, we decided we wanted to save our money for ttc and a trip we're taking to DC to see his daughter at the end of July. So, I'm on my own this weekend, with plans to meet a friend Saturday for lunch and go dancing Sunday morning, but the rest of the time plans to work on creative projects, read, and lay in the sun.
Starting today (Friday), I am testing every morning with my new digital OPK. Wow, I will say it IS a lot easier with that little circle or smiley face reading. Very clear. When I get the positive, then I call Pac.ific Fertility Center and go in for an ultrasound. If I don't get a positive until Monday (or later), I definitely go in mid-day Monday for my scheduled ultrasound. I will likely do the trigger shot that day, with IUI to follow on Tuesday. S is nervous about the IUI. He's trying to follow all the rules to prepare and asking me about timing etc.; it's cute.
Finishing this post up on Saturday, Day 10. No smiley face this morning, which is a good thing. The earliest we would do the IUI is Monday, so S will not be at risk of cutting his family visit short. I hope tomorrow is a negative, as well, so I don't have to go in for a monitoring appointment tomorrow morning by myself.
We are definitely excited to be trying some new things this time. I don't think I mentioned, however, that I went in for the first monitoring appointment last weekend and the doctor saw what he thought was a cyst on my left ovary. Damn left ovary. But he thought it would likely resolve, and that there was no health risk to going forward, so we decided to keep on keeping on. I hope the risk pays off, but there is a chance the IUI will be cancelled if the cyst interfered with ovarian stimulation. Fingers crossed!
5/20/2013
Post- Weekend Update
I'll start with my uneventful ttc update: I am on day 11 or 12dpo... No signs except some breast soreness and stomach upset, which could be attributable to other things. Post-ovulation, my temperature rose to the 97.9 range then up to the 98.2 range, then back down to 97.9 for the last three days.
My IUI phone consult is tomorrow at 4pm. As mentioned, I'll take Femara again, and S and I will do an IUI for the first time. This will be my 7th IUI, but all others were with frozen swimmers. S feels uncharacteristically optimistic because of my having the polyps removed and because we found, and will now be bypassing, my "curleyque" cervix. I will let you know if anything interesting happens in the consult tomorrow.
In other news...Over the weekend, S and I went to Sonoma, but not for wine tasting this time (we tasted some wine but not at the wineries!). The Transition Town regional group for Northern California had a gathering, for which I was on the planning committee, with attendees from many Transition Initiatives throughout the region.
The getting to know you exercise I led in pairs went well, and people didn't want to stop talking when it was over - a sign they enjoyed it I hope. They took turns answering two open-ended questions, which I now invite you to answer in comments: "What are some of your favorite things about living on this earth?" and, "What are things you enjoy making and doing?" :)
We did two other planning and discussion activities and heard from a few people about successful Transition projects they had implemented, including "Bay Bucks," alternative currency. After the gathering, we all went to a local woman's house and had a fabulous vegetarian dinner she had prepared for us, as we drank wine on the deck overlooking Sonoma's Valley of the Moon. A feast for the senses...
We all got quite tipsy and shared personal stories; a big shift from our normally activist-focused time together. An example of veering quite definitively out of "work" mode: I offered to set up the Executive Director of Transition US on a date and was grilling her on her preferences in men. hehe
Zoey came with us, too, and did very well as par usual.
My IUI phone consult is tomorrow at 4pm. As mentioned, I'll take Femara again, and S and I will do an IUI for the first time. This will be my 7th IUI, but all others were with frozen swimmers. S feels uncharacteristically optimistic because of my having the polyps removed and because we found, and will now be bypassing, my "curleyque" cervix. I will let you know if anything interesting happens in the consult tomorrow.
In other news...Over the weekend, S and I went to Sonoma, but not for wine tasting this time (we tasted some wine but not at the wineries!). The Transition Town regional group for Northern California had a gathering, for which I was on the planning committee, with attendees from many Transition Initiatives throughout the region.
The getting to know you exercise I led in pairs went well, and people didn't want to stop talking when it was over - a sign they enjoyed it I hope. They took turns answering two open-ended questions, which I now invite you to answer in comments: "What are some of your favorite things about living on this earth?" and, "What are things you enjoy making and doing?" :)
We did two other planning and discussion activities and heard from a few people about successful Transition projects they had implemented, including "Bay Bucks," alternative currency. After the gathering, we all went to a local woman's house and had a fabulous vegetarian dinner she had prepared for us, as we drank wine on the deck overlooking Sonoma's Valley of the Moon. A feast for the senses...
We all got quite tipsy and shared personal stories; a big shift from our normally activist-focused time together. An example of veering quite definitively out of "work" mode: I offered to set up the Executive Director of Transition US on a date and was grilling her on her preferences in men. hehe
Zoey came with us, too, and did very well as par usual.
5/10/2013
Fertility Appointment News
It's almost mid-May! And here we are in the middle of another cycle. I have to admit the last one really threw me for a loop. I was pretty deflated and sad after that BFN... and mad too! Not mad at anyone, just generally mad at getting jerked around by all those deceptive signs and symptoms.
In retrospect, it was totally the Vitex, and I totally ovulated on Cycle Day 19 - four days after S and last tried. And we really thought we covered our bases, too, trying a couple of times after I thought I had ovulated. Then, everything just *looked different* than a normal cycle, so it made me get more and more hopeful... just to crash back down to earth. I guess I kind of hibernated after that for a while.
But I'm back in the driver's seat and feeling some hope again. On Tuesday, S and I went to the fertility doc at PFC in San Francisco. He obviously knew his stuff. I had to sit through another "Your chances are so low, they are barely on the chart" speeches. I know they have to give them, so there's no use fighting it. Afterwards, it did feel good to see him get surprised and excited about the two fat follicles growing on my right ovary (remember how my last doc said I had an awesome right ovary?). Apparently, I responded quite well to the higher dose of Femara I put myself on (7.5). I have a smaller one on the left side that he didn't think would likely ovulate. My total AFC remains similar at around eight.
My next steps are getting a couple blood tests (D and Prolactin) that they want done. If this cycle doesn't work, then we decided to do one more on that dose of Femara, since the response was so good. I will add in a trigger shot and an IUI, though. The following cycle, should we get there, would be an injectable/Menopur cycle. I just entered the two-week wait for this cycle, though, so I'll keep you posted.
Oh, and I forgot to mention one of the most significant findings: His ultrasound machine was quite powerful, and he saw that my cervix is like a little obstacle course for S's swimmers. The fibroid may be pulling/altering it, but basically it is shaped a bit like a corkscrew. Okay, that just sounds odd and makes one picture a water park slide! Anyway, that's the word he used, and he also said that there is a right angle to enter the uterus. Though still possible to navigate, this could be contributing to difficulty in conceiving AND is bypassed by doing an IUI. Yay to a tiny modicum of control!
I'm running out to do some errands, then S and I are going to our swing dance class tonight. Tomorrow I have to work registering HS students at my community college - boo! - but only until 2pm. We plan to take a bike ride in the evening. I love that the days are getting so much longer! Hope you all are well. I've been reading along with those of you who have blogs and commenting when I can.
In retrospect, it was totally the Vitex, and I totally ovulated on Cycle Day 19 - four days after S and last tried. And we really thought we covered our bases, too, trying a couple of times after I thought I had ovulated. Then, everything just *looked different* than a normal cycle, so it made me get more and more hopeful... just to crash back down to earth. I guess I kind of hibernated after that for a while.
But I'm back in the driver's seat and feeling some hope again. On Tuesday, S and I went to the fertility doc at PFC in San Francisco. He obviously knew his stuff. I had to sit through another "Your chances are so low, they are barely on the chart" speeches. I know they have to give them, so there's no use fighting it. Afterwards, it did feel good to see him get surprised and excited about the two fat follicles growing on my right ovary (remember how my last doc said I had an awesome right ovary?). Apparently, I responded quite well to the higher dose of Femara I put myself on (7.5). I have a smaller one on the left side that he didn't think would likely ovulate. My total AFC remains similar at around eight.
My next steps are getting a couple blood tests (D and Prolactin) that they want done. If this cycle doesn't work, then we decided to do one more on that dose of Femara, since the response was so good. I will add in a trigger shot and an IUI, though. The following cycle, should we get there, would be an injectable/Menopur cycle. I just entered the two-week wait for this cycle, though, so I'll keep you posted.
Oh, and I forgot to mention one of the most significant findings: His ultrasound machine was quite powerful, and he saw that my cervix is like a little obstacle course for S's swimmers. The fibroid may be pulling/altering it, but basically it is shaped a bit like a corkscrew. Okay, that just sounds odd and makes one picture a water park slide! Anyway, that's the word he used, and he also said that there is a right angle to enter the uterus. Though still possible to navigate, this could be contributing to difficulty in conceiving AND is bypassed by doing an IUI. Yay to a tiny modicum of control!
I'm running out to do some errands, then S and I are going to our swing dance class tonight. Tomorrow I have to work registering HS students at my community college - boo! - but only until 2pm. We plan to take a bike ride in the evening. I love that the days are getting so much longer! Hope you all are well. I've been reading along with those of you who have blogs and commenting when I can.
4/01/2013
Trying to Make Lemonade
Easter was lovely. S bought me tons of tulips and some gourmet chocolates at our Farmer's Market and made a yummy fish dinner, which we accompanied with the Chardonnay from our wine tasting weekend. We had lots of good - some deep and some fun - conversations and watched the movie, "Snow White and the Huntsman."
On the other hand, I have some bad news to report. We just lost COBRA coverage with Kai.ser. S was able to get on another individual Kai.ser plan, but I was rejected basically for being a woman, old, and trying to get pregnant, even though the plan didn't cover fertility. Yes, I'm feeling some bitterness.
Ironically, an injectable IUI cycle at a local fertility center costs about the same as the monthly cost of COBRA plus the copays we had to make. So, we will likely go ahead and do a cycle with them as soon as we are able to get things going. I have a phone consult a week from this Friday, the earliest they had open. So. Tired. Of. Waiting.
On the bright side, I've added Vitex to my list of supplements, and I have a sense it may be a big positive for me. I don't know why. It was suggested to me several years ago, but I never took it for some reason. It tastes mildly bitter, and you have to count out 30 drops of the stuff three times every day (if you take the liquid). So with that and the DHEA, COQ10, L-Arginine, Melatonin, etc., I'm getting as much help as a gal can get from supplements!
And this cycle (and probably next one, as well), we can try naturally. I would like to use Femara next cycle if we can't do injectable medications yet, so am looking into getting a hold of some of that.
This week's a busy week with a Key.stone XL protest Wednesday and a Transition US open house fun-type event on Thursday. Life keeps rolling on, and I guess I'm being distracted from the difficulties by a lot of good things. I'm grateful for that.
On the other hand, I have some bad news to report. We just lost COBRA coverage with Kai.ser. S was able to get on another individual Kai.ser plan, but I was rejected basically for being a woman, old, and trying to get pregnant, even though the plan didn't cover fertility. Yes, I'm feeling some bitterness.
Ironically, an injectable IUI cycle at a local fertility center costs about the same as the monthly cost of COBRA plus the copays we had to make. So, we will likely go ahead and do a cycle with them as soon as we are able to get things going. I have a phone consult a week from this Friday, the earliest they had open. So. Tired. Of. Waiting.
On the bright side, I've added Vitex to my list of supplements, and I have a sense it may be a big positive for me. I don't know why. It was suggested to me several years ago, but I never took it for some reason. It tastes mildly bitter, and you have to count out 30 drops of the stuff three times every day (if you take the liquid). So with that and the DHEA, COQ10, L-Arginine, Melatonin, etc., I'm getting as much help as a gal can get from supplements!
And this cycle (and probably next one, as well), we can try naturally. I would like to use Femara next cycle if we can't do injectable medications yet, so am looking into getting a hold of some of that.
This week's a busy week with a Key.stone XL protest Wednesday and a Transition US open house fun-type event on Thursday. Life keeps rolling on, and I guess I'm being distracted from the difficulties by a lot of good things. I'm grateful for that.
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