Oh Lord, why can't things be more simple?
I have been testing twice a day since Saturday, still no positive on the OPKs (doing two types - no smiley face and no darker second line). My body, on the other hand, seems to be telling me I ovulated yesterday morning. My breasts have been sore for the last few days - they never normally
get sore before my ovulation, but I understand this can happen. I had a headache all day yesterday. On an odd side note, I had a double dose of my normal sexy
feelings on Friday/Saturday. Lastly, my temperature went up a couple of tenths yesterday and a fraction of a tenth again today. It seems like my hormones are still a bit
revved up from the medicated cycle last month, but there seem to be indicators pointing to ovulating yesterday, don't you agree?
We were trying to avoid a lot of monitoring this cycle, but I concede the picture is much less clear without it. I just wanted a simple positive OPK-do the trigger shot-go in for an IUI the next day cycle. Is that too much to ask? Yes, apparently it is.
We leave for our trip tomorrow mid-day. If I don't get a positive OPK this evening, then we will forgo the IUI and hope for the best. If I get a positive, then I'll do the trigger shot and we'll go for the IUI right before driving to the airport - which would be a bit crazy but worth it to bypass by difficult cervix and give things more of a chance. S and I have been covering the bases with BDing, so if they can fight their way through...
On a more positive note, the talk with the NVC support person went well. She suggested I might choose to celebrate the intense relationship I had with R in my early 20's, in which I was able to feel such excitement and abandon (which may lead to some letting go). Considering how poorly things went in our second try a few years ago, these feelings are clearly more specific to that past relationship and who I/we were then, versus any lasting reality.
I can also continue to ask myself whether I can be present in my relationship with S and fully experience love with him, allowing all of who he is, including faults, and all our relationship brings to my life. Am I able to open to that kind of love right now, in this moment? Maybe not, but I hope that I am.
On his part, he had a realization that he was subconsciously testing me in certain ways, and he thinks that our honest conversation last night may well help tone down the fighting we can fall into.