Seeking Simplicity

Oh Lord, why can't things be more simple?

I have been testing twice a day since Saturday, still no positive on the OPKs (doing two types - no smiley face and no darker second line).  My body, on the other hand, seems to be telling me I ovulated yesterday morning.   My breasts have been sore for the last few days - they never normally get sore before my ovulation, but I understand this can happen.  I had a headache all day yesterday.  On an odd side note, I had a double dose of my normal sexy feelings on Friday/Saturday.  Lastly, my temperature went up a couple of tenths yesterday and a fraction of a tenth again today.  It seems like my hormones are still a bit revved up from the medicated cycle last month, but there seem to be indicators pointing to ovulating yesterday, don't you agree?

We were trying to avoid a lot of monitoring this cycle, but I concede the picture is much less clear without it.  I just wanted a simple positive OPK-do the trigger shot-go in for an IUI the next day cycle.  Is that too much to ask?  Yes, apparently it is.

We leave for our trip tomorrow mid-day.  If I don't get a positive OPK this evening, then we will forgo the IUI and hope for the best.  If I get a positive, then I'll do the trigger shot and we'll go for the IUI right before driving to the airport - which would be a bit crazy but worth it to bypass by difficult cervix and give things more of a chance.  S and I have been covering the bases with BDing, so if they can fight their way through...

On a more positive note, the talk with the NVC support person went well.  She suggested I might choose to celebrate the intense relationship I had with R in my early 20's, in which I was able to feel such excitement and abandon (which may lead to some letting go).  Considering how poorly things went in our second try a few years ago, these feelings are clearly more specific to that past relationship and who I/we were then, versus any lasting reality.

I can also continue to ask myself whether I can be present in my relationship with S and fully experience love with him, allowing all of who he is, including faults, and all our relationship brings to my life.  Am I able to open to that kind of love right now, in this moment?  Maybe not, but I hope that I am.

On his part, he had a realization that he was subconsciously testing me in certain ways, and he thinks that our honest conversation last night may well help tone down the fighting we can fall into.

Post- Weekend Update

I'll start with my uneventful ttc update:  I am on day 11 or 12dpo... No signs except some breast soreness and stomach upset, which could be attributable to other things.  Post-ovulation, my temperature rose to the 97.9 range then up to the 98.2 range, then back down to 97.9 for the last three days.

My IUI phone consult is tomorrow at 4pm.  As mentioned, I'll take Femara again, and S and I will do an IUI for the first time.  This will be my 7th IUI, but all others were with frozen swimmers.  S feels uncharacteristically optimistic because of my having the polyps removed and because we found, and will now be bypassing, my "curleyque" cervix.  I will let you know if anything interesting happens in the consult tomorrow.

In other news...Over the weekend, S and I went to Sonoma, but not for wine tasting this time (we tasted some wine but not at the wineries!).  The Transition Town regional group for Northern California had a gathering, for which I was on the planning committee, with attendees from many Transition Initiatives throughout the region.

The getting to know you exercise I led in pairs went well, and people didn't want to stop talking when it was over - a sign they enjoyed it I hope.  They took turns answering two open-ended questions, which I now invite you to answer in comments:  "What are some of your favorite things about living on this earth?" and, "What are things you enjoy making and doing?" :)

We did two other planning and discussion activities and heard from a few people about successful Transition projects they had implemented, including "Bay Bucks," alternative currency.  After the gathering, we all went to a local woman's house and had a fabulous vegetarian dinner she had prepared for us, as we drank wine on the deck overlooking Sonoma's Valley of the Moon.  A feast for the senses...

We all got quite tipsy and shared personal stories; a big shift from our normally activist-focused time together.  An example of veering quite definitively out of "work" mode:  I offered to set up the Executive Director of Transition US on a date and was grilling her on her preferences in men.  hehe

Zoey came with us, too, and did very well as par usual.

Still Holding On

I should test, right?  I guess I'm not wanting to have my hopes crushed.

Recent signs:

• It is now likely 15dpo (going by my belief of when I ovulated), and I have never had a luteal phase this long.
• Off-and-on, light, lower abdominal cramping the last couple of days and today, but no spotting.
• Bbt temperature still up high yesterday and this morning; three days now at this level.
• More of an appetite.
• Increased creamy cm today.

The only way that FF's indication of when I ovulated (7 days later than what I believe) would possibly fit my cramping pattern is that I had the two days of Aunt Flo type cramps at the time of ovulation, which I have never had in the past.  Then, these cramps I'm having now would be timed to be implantation cramps... which would assume S's guys are "Super Sp.erm" and lasted 4 days until that late ovulation time. 

I think it's much more likely that "something" is happening.  Here's hoping it's a sticky little eggie making itself at home...

Another Positive Sign - Updated

Another positive sign: I have a tri-phasic chart, according to Fertility Friend!  Do you guys think it looks like I ovulated when I thought I did?  It was a mini-rise, but from what I understand, any sustained rise is ovulatory.  I don't really have any big symptoms right now, though.  The headache has gone away and no breast soreness today, either.  I decided I don't want to POAS until after tomorrow, if I know that I am late.

* Added chart as a picture - forgot I needed to do that.  I'm having some crampy feelings so not as up at the moment.  This is such a roller coaster.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

This cycle is driving me bananas.  I will try and post an image of my chart (please forgive my inconsistent temp taking early in this cycle).  The OPK positive is a guess, based on temps and fading out results on Sunday and Monday.




Basically, my temps have been really up and down.  I was pretty sure I ovulated last Friday or Saturday, even though my post-ovulation temps were a couple tenths lower than usual.  But then, today and yesterday they dropped down to around 97.2/97.3!  Crazy, I tell you.

Oh well, I blame the Vitex.  From what you guys are telling me and from what I read, Vitex can do a number on your cycle at first.  At this point, I plan to stay with it until we do an injectable medication cycle, then I plan to follow advice and stop taking it.  Of course, all this may change based on guidance from Pacific Fertility Center.  I have my phone consult at 2pm today, during which we will review the extensive ttc and medical history I had to submit, then we will schedule an in-person appointment.

On the other hand, my dip in temperature does happen to fall on day 6 or 7dpo, so it's pretty much perfect timing for implantation... Have I had dips around this time before, though?  Yep, I have.  And I was not pregnant.  And who knows what my hormones are doing, as mentioned above.  So, I'm trying not to read anything in to it, though I would really like to!  I do hope they go back up though.  If they don't go back up, does that mean I didn't ovulate?  When would AF likely show up then?  Aargh.

More concrete life happenings include a weekend workshop with the famous Joanna Macy, which will start tonight and go through Sunday at 3pm.  S and I are both attending.  JM's work is used a lot in our Transition Town groups, and on a romantic note, he and I first connected while doing a JM exercise.  It was this one where we held hands and, one at a time, looked at the other's hand and saw their ancient ancestry and current life.  We expressed appreciation for all the love and work that had already come and would eventually come through their hands.  It was moving to both of us, and I just remember looking at his smile and feeling a lot of radiance.  We hope this workshop will give us gifts for our personal relationship, as well as our activist work together.

This work is heating up, btw!  We're participating in an action on Earth Day, April 22, and will be joining many other activities during the summer, likely culminating in one huge day of mass action in San Francisco.  Climate change is S's biggest passion from an environmental devastation point of view (don't get him started talking about it unless you want to be there a while!).  Mine is more focused on living sustainably - both from a resource/climate change point of view, but also from the point of view of supporting one another relationally and in an interconnected community.

Strange Cycle

I have been doing too much googling and decided I should just write a blog post and see what those of you who have experience with supplements and fertility efforts think.

So as I mentioned, I went on Vitex about a week and a half ago.  I hadn't been taking my temperature but started shortly after that point.  I got a 97.75 mid last week on Cycle Day 9, then a couple around 97.5, then back up to 97.7 for two or three days, then today down to 97.35!  Today is Cycle Day 15, and I never ovulate this late.

Yesterday, I was talking to S trying to figure out what is going on and decided to do an OPK (was going to start doing these next month when we take Femara but hadn't thought we would do them this time).  It came up with a light line, then a second one this morning came up lighter and barely readable.

So my questions are:  How long does it generally take for the second line to fade out on a two-line OPK?  I guess it can vary but wondering about the average range of time.  If you were me would you keep trying to BD for another day or two, until I see a definite raise in my temps?

The 97.7 readings are really throwing me for a loop.  This is at least two tenths higher than my usual highest temps prior to ovulation, but two tenths lower than my usual lowest temps post ovulation!  I've read Vitex can raise temps a bit, and also delay ovulation by a couple of days, so I'm thinking that may be what is happening.  If so, the effects sure kicked in quickly!

I'll take another OPK later today, take my temperature tomorrow, and let you know what happens, as well.  I hope this cycle wackiness evens out by next month.

Surgery Follow-Up

I went for my surgery follow-up on Friday.  Dr. H said everything looked good and that I had a large follicle on my right ovary.  I'm pretty sure what she saw was an empty follicle from ovulation last weekend... Does anyone know if you can ovulate twice in a cycle?  She said sometimes older women can, which I knew, but what I read said that both eggs ovulate within a 24-hour period.

I do have a strange pattern to my bbt chart this month.  I'll try and paste it in later, but basically I have the first rise Saturday/Sunday, then a big dip (could be estrogen fall-back pattern), then up again and then two descending temps (from 98 to 97.7 to 97.6), then back up again to 97.96 and holding.  The lowest temp, 97.6, was taken an hour earlier than I normally get up, so maybe that impacted things, but not the 97.7.  So looking at that, if it's possible to ovulate twice (NOT within a 24-hour period), maybe I did?  The first ovulation was so early, by several days.

Other issues the doc and I discussed:

• She had her last child when she was 44!  How cool is that?  Her advice to me is to get fit and relax - hmm, I never heard that before!  I feel pretty fit for me, but maybe I'll amp up my health habits and try to lose a few more pounds.

• Regarding the fibroid, I asked her what she would do if she were me (someone recently suggested asking this question and I thought it was a good idea).  She said if I want to pursue donor eggs, she would go forward with the fibroid surgery.  But if I want to try with my own eggs, she would forgo the surgery at this time, which would cause me to lose three months of trying. 

• She said she took out several polyps.  I was under the impression there were just two or three!  She wasn't sure how many exactly, but definitely more than three.  She said my uterus is now "perfect." :)

• I asked about protocol considering my past responses.  She said she would definitely not have me take lup.ron, as I did in my first medicated try, as that shuts down my system (at least for older women).  She would also not recommend using Fem.ara first, since last time I was only able to fit in one day of stims after taking several days of Fem.ara.  She would also increase the dosage of Meno.pur.

• She reiterated that no one had gotten pregnant at my age on a medicated IUI cycle... But.  They had gotten pregnant on the cycle FOLLOWING a medicated IUI cycle, trying naturally (and also with IVF of course).  Isn't that interesting?  They don't know why but there seems to be a positive boost gained from doing the meds but not until the following month.  So, we still plan to do a medicated IUI.  She told me about two lower cost IVF programs, which I intend to look into.  I'm not holding my breath, however.

• Our Cobra was unfortunately just discontinued.  We signed up for plans which allow us to stay with the same doctor, though.  We'll just be paying more out of pocket for the fertility-specific procedures.  S is making a good salary now, though, and says we can afford it (my increase in hours helps too).  We will either be going forward with injectables this coming cycle or the one following, depending when this cycle starts.

In other news, I attended a community college conference last week from Wednesday to Friday and had some co-worker bonding time, in addition to learning some new assessments and counseling tools, etc.  Everyone is kind of mad at one of our co-workers/counselors.  I'm not, as it doesn't really affect me, but I guess he's been complaining a lot and has not been thinking of impacts on other people.  I don't love gossip, but it does make you feel included when someone confides in you.  Also, it's nice to go to dinner and talk about things other than work and get to know people on a deeper level.

Apparently when I'm in one of these events, I'm pretty "immersed" and find it hard to focus on other things.  S felt a little neglected and scratchy about it, especially coming out of our romantic wine-tasting weekend.  We went to a fun Stop Key.stone XL activist training in SF yesterday, though, and reconnected.

Wine Tasting and Long-Due Relief

 

S and I ventured up north to Sonoma for a wine tasting getaway this weekend, using our Sonoma Pass.port for discounts.  We left late Saturday morning and got home Sunday evening, hitting various wineries on both days.  We'd had the trip planned for months, but because S started a new job and is trying to complete other freelance work, he tried to postpone it a week.  I have to admit, I was not the understanding girlfriend, as I'd really been looking forward to it!  He agreed it was right that we go since we'd had it planned, which was cool, and we ended up having a fabulous time.

I guess I should backtrack at this point and explain how the ex conflict resolved itself.... Yes, we came to an agreement finally!  I think I shared that in our final counseling session a couple of weeks ago, he agreed to respond to my email proposal that he talk to the ex every three or four months.

Now, I knew this wasn't going to be an acceptable offer... maybe that makes me an inexperienced negotiator.  I was thinking that you propose what you ideally want even if it's off the chart of what you think they'll accept, and then they make a counter offer and maybe you go back and forth a couple of times.

Anyway, I think my initial offer was probably a bit too extreme, and he said later he felt like I was basically proposing he cut off all communication.  So, after our session, he avoided responding for a few days, then came back with an email that said some reassuring and affirming things about his feelings and commitment to me, as well as offers of transparency (telling me about any contact) and talking to me before making any commitments (to help with something or whatever).  He suggested, however, that communication frequency stay as is and fade gradually over time.

People, including my brother, advised that I might just accept this, but you know how sometimes you just know you can't tolerate something?  Like you feel it physically - that it's just not right and you emotionally can't handle it?  Well, that's how I felt.  From my perspective, I had forgiven a lot in the past and "put up with" the anxiety around his ongoing connection to her more than I should have had to.  I wanted him to prove that he could and would compromise to help me feel safe.  So when he didn't give anything on the frequency, I balked and pulled back for a few days. 

During this time, I did some serious reflection, including seeing a counselor once on my own to both get some empathy around the situation, but also gain more clarity about my own issues.  I realized that I was trying to deny that he had deep care and concern for his ex-wife because that felt threatening.  Well, as we all know, denying something does not make it untrue.  So, I came to an uneasy acceptance of that, which felt like an important step.

Also, I acknowledged that I have never had a relationship longer than a couple of years, nor ever been married, so my experience and ability to truly understand his situation is limited.  Finally, regarding my own fears, I received more normalization about my sex drive not being perpetually set to "on"; that it's okay and very common to not be in the mood sometimes.  I think because S seems most often in the mood, and because of some previous dysfunctional patterns I had in relationship, I can feel like something is "wrong" if I don't feel raring to go all the time.  This new perspective takes pressure off, and I was later able to talk with him about it in a healthy way.

In any case, when we came back together last Wednesday night to discuss things, I felt pretty self-connected.  Our conversation started rocky and somewhat defensive, but after a while I had an outburst about my frustration around dealing with the situation for so long and wanting a loving relationship and the ability to trust and relax, etc., and why couldn't he give a little, even to two or three weeks (in communication frequency)?  At which point, he finally let go of his stance and said that he could do two or three weeks (along with the other agreements).  What a freakin' relief!  It felt so good to come together, and I knew at that point that we were going to be okay.

So this weekend was a celebration of sorts, I guess, and a culmination of plans we had made a long time ago.  We had great conversations about our activist plans around Key.stone XL, previous relationship history, the source of our wanting to become parents, and more, as well as just having lots of flirtation and relaxed fun.  One of the wineries was beautiful.  We hit it on a sunny day in the early afternoon and were able to take our last wine tasting out onto the property and walk around a bit.  You can't beat that feeling!  *Afterwards, there might have been some making out in the car. :)

We brought Zoey again and she did great, though she continues to not eat as much while we're away.  I give her regular treats to supplement.  We've perfected the art of playing ball in a hotel room!

Oh, and oddly, I think I ovulated on Saturday morning (Day 9 of the cycle starting when I went off BCPs for my surgery).  My temp went up a bit that day and all the way up on Sunday.  I may have missed the window, since we didn't BD until Saturday night, but fingers crossed, maybe it was just on time.  It would be a great story!

MRI Dropout

After my hysteroscopy on Tuesday morning, during which my doctor could not locate the larger fibroid seen on the ultrasound, she ordered an MRI to gather more information about whether it was located in the uterine wall in a place that might impede implantation. 

Said MRI was SUPPOSED to be yesterday, but guess who couldn't hack the lengthy entrapment in a solid metal tube?  That would be Moi. 

As a partial excuse, I may have lasted longer if I had known more about the timeframe and steps involved.  As it was, I thought it was kind of like getting an xray, but you're in this tube thing, taking about as long as the MRIs I see on an episode of "House" or something.  Yeah, clueless. 

Did you know that you have to be in that claustrophobic piece of crap for up to 20 or more minutes?  How do people even do that?  But if I had known that there would be several pinging/buzzing MRI picture-taking sessions, each a few minutes in length, well, I could have at least mentally prepared for it, or likely requested drugs of some sort (or inquired about an "open MRI," which I hear is not really open but at least a bit more spacious). 

As it was, when I was all prepped and slid into the tube, I withstood a couple pinging sessions and started to freak out.  I was thinking to myself, "This thing should be about over now, right?"  So, I called the techs name and asked how much longer.  When he said up to 20 minutes, I really freaked the F out and said, "I need out!"  At which point, to his credit, he had me out of there PDQ.  Kinda traumatic all around, though. 

S was very supportive afterwards and went with me to have drinks and decompress.  I'm frustrated they didn't set me up for better success.  I did mark "claustrophobic" on the form, but it seems he didn't take that seriously? or maybe he didn't see it?  But I'm also really disappointed that we weren't able to get the data needed to decide how to handle this fibroid.  I called and emailed my doctor yesterday afternoon but haven't heard anything back.  I guess I probably won't until Monday. :(

On a tiny note of hope, I did ovulate yesterday, according to temperatures.  S and I decided to try, on the off chance that his guys could survive the - TMI alert - old blood heavy spotting still happening from my hysteroscopy.  During the procedure Tuesday, the doctor did comment that my lining was thick.  It makes me wonder how thick my lining is normally, without being on birth control pills for the first week of my cycle!  I'm sure the chances are miniscule, but it still feels good to take whatever chances we might have.

One other point about the hysteroscopy:  the doctor saw three polyps but said they shouldn't interfere with implantation and that one had a "thick stem" and would be difficult to remove.  She also wanted to see what was going on with the fibroid prior to any treatment.  I was bummed she couldn't just take them out, though.

Halfway Through

I can't believe it's only been a week since my IUI!  It feels like a month, lol.  This progesterone is kickin' my butt around a good bit.  

Case in point:  I got all weepy after work today when I told my housemate that I wish I could shut my brain off and felt like everyone was being mean, and he said in this little mocking voice, "Everyone is being meeean."  

Well, first I wanted to slap him, actually, but then I just went inside the house, shut the door to my room, and did the loud, ugly cry for a few minutes.  I sooo needed my Mommy at that moment.  

I can tell it's the hormones, though, because it's just a different level of feeling stressed and depressed; a feeling I don't normally have.  

Anyway, one more week to go.  

Symptom watch (feel free to skip):

Things are definitely different than my last medicated IUI in June...  

• Last time, my boobs were quite sore and this time they aren't at all, at least not yet.  
• Seems like I'm more moody this time, but I can't really be sure.  
• I know I had low abdominal (cervical?) cramping last time related to the progesterone.  I've had some similar cramping this time but not as strongly.  
• I've had some cramping that feels like it's on one side or another of my uterus that doesn't last very long, but it's the dull kind of cramping, not any sharp twinges.  *Seems like twinges are more clearly connected to implantation.  
• My bbt dropped this morning from 98.2 to 97.9.  I often have a drop or two though in my luteal phase, whether I'm ttc or not.  Usually they seem to be earlier or later, though... I do like the 6/7 dpo timing.  

So, hope is alive but I'm trying not to read to much into things at this point.  

I think I'm testing this time, though, so that'll be different.  I usually avoid it but, "No point in avoiding the truth," is the approach I'm taking this time.  I'll probably start testing Friday or Saturday.  

To end on a celebratory note, Jen had her twins!  Congratulations, Jen!

Good Timing

Knocking on wood over here, but I think the IUI was timed very well.  It feels so good to think the timing might finally have been right, after five prior IUIs that all felt like they were done somewhat late. 

I saw the surge on an OPK Tuesday night, which I think means I was well on my way to surging on my own, if not already there, when I did the HCG trigger shot.  Then, Wednesday morning, my temperature showed a dip, and I did the IUI later that day.  This morning, my temperature rose by two and a half tenths.  So, I'm thinking the sp.erm might have arrived a few hours before the egg.  It could have been a half day prior, though, which might be pushing it on timing with a frozen sample.  What do you think about the timing?

I taught my middle school classes today.  This morning, I felt quite a bit of uncomfortable cramping.  Not unbearable, and I didn't need to take anything, but definitely uncomfortable and somewhat intense at times.  No bleeding though.  Has anyone else experience this?  By afternoon, I was fine.  It maybe have been uterine irritation, or reaction to the sp.erm, or possibly ovulation?  I hope it wasn't ovulation, as that would put it on the late side.  It felt more uterine than ovary-based, so I think it was some kind of irritation/reaction. 

Luckily, I'm not working at the college or middle school tomorrow.  I'll be doing computer work for my other job and catching up on things around the house, but don't have to drive anywhere, thank God.  I've done WAY too much commuting back and forth in rush hour traffic the past three days.  How do people do that every day, like with the long commutes of an hour or more?  Blech.  Grateful to have some home time.

Hanging Here in Limbo

Hanging here in limbo
Too scared to pee, on a stick...

I don't know why I can't rally the motivation to pee on a stick.  What is my problem?  I think I know it will be negative.  I just can't face, the mean white space!  I gave blood for the Beta, but the didn't call me back by the end of the day. :(  So, I guess I'm taking a couple more doses of progesterone for no reason.

Here's why I think it's over:

• I've been lightly cramping and spotting (brown and light pink) all day.
• Every other cycle I've spotted on, the spotting has turned to a full flow.
• My boobs are not sore anymore.
• I don't have any other major signs (except my temp staying up, but that's due to the progesterone, right?)

I should get a call by 9 or 9:30 tomorrow and will let you know as soon as I hear.

or maybe I'll pee on a stick...

but probably not.

p.s. A nurse was mean to me earlier today (not super mean but curt, and in my sad state it felt really mean), but it was good because it made me cry hard and I needed to cry hard.

12 dpo

This will likely be my last post before I know whether my IUI was successful.  I don't have much to report other than "symptoms" seem less today, for good or bad.

I had a mini freak-out in my mind yesterday that I have been eating too much sugar and maybe that ruined my chances.  Stupid party leftovers!  I've been craving carbs in the afternoon and indulging these cravings with bread pudding.  Also ate a half a snickers last night and immediately regretted it.  Silly stuff.  

My bbt was down this morning quite a bit.  Not a great sign, I guess.  I don't trust my thermometer at all now though, because it keeps settling on the same number: 98.34 every other time I take my temperature.  If I let it rest for a minute and shake it, then take it again, it comes out something else!  So I don't know if I even trust half the readouts for this cycle now!  I did get 98.17 two or three times this morning (in between 98.34s), so I think that's the right one.  

More shall be revealed soon, I guess.

11 dpo

I have a new sign to report:  headache.  Blech.  I've had a sinus-type headache over the weekend and heading into today.  I thought maybe the one on Saturday was related to my over-indulgence of cheese at the game night Friday.  But it continued on beyond the cheese explanation.

I've also been having vivid dreams and woke up a couple times in the early morning the last couple of mornings before, luckily, falling back to sleep.  I remember that happening to me in another cycle last year, when I was trying with S.  Last night, I dreamed I was caring for a cute little girl baby and my family was around.  I was very focused on her, though there were family dynamics going on.  In another, less pleasant dream, someone was caring for a dog and had left him on the changing table.  When I went over to check on him, I saw he had pooped and had it all over him.  As I tried to hold him still to clean it off, I had the thought that this was what it would be like sometimes with a baby. :)

Boobs have gotten more sore again, but not nipple pain, just sore.  All likely attributable to the progesterone supplements, I know.

I thought about testing today but don't feel like facing that horrible white space again (seen in previous cycles last year).  It's 11 dpo... three more days before I can get a blood test if things hold out.  When it's this close, I'm tempted to wait.  So far, my bbt temperatures are holding strong, but no real triphasic pattern as of yet.  Somehow, when I attached my chart to this post, it keeps updating each day, as I add new temperatures.  So, you can follow the trends there.  lol

The fundraiser game night was a wonderful night, full of yummy food, great conversation, meaningful visioning activity and fun games, and even ending with a sort of blessing ritual.  I felt much love and care, and everyone seemed to get along great (there were women I knew from different circles, such as Interplay, Nonviolent Communication, and Transition Towns) and enjoy themselves.

But.  I did not accomplish the initial primary goal of the evening: to raise funds to offset some ttc debt.  Contributions did come in, but were significantly less than I'd imagined.  I think there might be a few reasons for this, including:  I wasn't as clear or articulate as I would have liked in asking for the donations, people just don't feel they have a lot to give right now, and, finally, it was a Friday night and only half the women invited were able to come.

In any case, I've decided to let that go and chalk it up to an experiment.  An experiment that did reap many blessings in the form of fun, connection, and bonding with and between some of my good women friends.  Here are a couple of pictures from the night.  The first couple are us doing the "now" and "ideal" visioning activity (these are my visions, but each person had a turn), and the last is of the poem we created at the end of the night, each choosing one word.

Friday, 8 dpo

I'll start out with a Symptom Check (all still likely related to the progesterone):

• Cramping has actually calmed down a lot.  Did those of you who have taken progesterone experience a lessening of some symptoms as the luteal phase progressed?

• My boobs were the sorest I have ever experienced them last night (when I took off my bra).  Wow, I finally understand some of the phrases other people used before, such as "needles shooting through my nipples."  But this morning, just slightly sore, no big deal.

• Quite nauseous this morning.  Could have been digestion related, and progesterone apparently "relaxes the bowels."  Thank you for that phrase, doctor, it is a memorable one.  Anyway, really queasy, and it only went away when I ate a bowl of cereal.  Anyone else have this?

• Mood stuff continues but I think I've just gotten used to being bitchy, and I'm making fun of myself now half the time.

• My bbt has been up today and yesterday but I realized I slept in socks, whereas I normally don't, so that's probably why!

I spoke to the doctor Wednesday afternoon and he confirmed in-person that he thought everything went well, timing was on target etc.  He did not think that the 12.3 follicle would have made it into the mix, though. :-(  He said follicles grow 1-2 mm per day and need to be about 18 mm to reach maturity, and I guess poor little 12.3 wouldn't have had time to reach that level in two days.  I was thinking since they'd grown a bit faster than anticipated, maybe they would continue growing that fast, but maybe not.  

The cramping actually gave him slight pause, which is unusual for him.  He's an "old-timer" in the fertility world and tends to be quite jaded.  But he also said the "relaxing the bowels" thing.  At the end, he said, "We know you'll need some luck.  But why shouldn't you have that?"  Something like that.  

Tonight is my visioning and game night for fertility.  I'm excited about the visioning activity I'm going to facilitate.  I made bread pudding yesterday, which smelled so yummy, and will make a fresh berry topping sauce today from the berries in our garden.  I'm also going to attempt a homemade pizza.  We'll see how that turns out!  Hors d'oeuvres will include veggies and hummus dip and fruit.  Hopefully, I will raise a bit of money to cover some debt from this cycle.  If I need to cycle again, I want to be in the best position possible.  

Weekend, 3 DPO

My weekend was a good one.  I attended the performance of an Inter.play theatre troupe, called Wing It, Friday night.  The title of the show was, "God, Sex, and Power," so you know there were some juicy stories.  One of the troupe members recently moved back to Africa after getting married and shared a story about homophobia and prejudice in his community, and how he wants to work to change that.  And one piece in which people were sharing about their questions and relationship with God really resonated.  Trying to make meaning and believe that there is a plan for me...

Yesterday, I attended an SMC brunch and met a bunch of interesting, cool women, many with babies in tow.  You should have heard the savvy language we were rocking in that room.  We could have been doctors!  The women responded positively when they heard the number of eggs I had, though a couple of them did go to donor eggs at younger ages than mine.  They encouraged me to just "keep trying," which is easier said than done financially, but it did bolster me to try again a time or two if needed (knock on wood).

I'm particularly excited about a conversation I had with a couple women who live near me and are about to begin trying.  We talked about child care options like nanny care and cooperative child care and also good neighborhoods for school districts and raising kids.  At the end, we said we would get together again soon and continue the conversation.

Another highlight was holding a little red-haired guy, about six months old, who was so mellow and sweet.  Is there any better smell than baby? (assuming their diaper has been changed recently. hehe)  I would love it if my baby had red hair, though this mom was a bit concerned he might get picked on.  I would never have thought of that possibility.

On the IUI front, I've been taking vaginal progesterone two times a day since Friday evening.  I'm definitely noticing some effects.  My breasts are quite sore, and I've had a bit of abdominal cramping.  At first, of course, I thought, "ooh, maybe it's implantation!"  But first of all, it's too early, and second, I read online that progesterone can cause this symptom, as well.  I've been more hungry I would say, too, and a little more crabby.  Nothing too bad, yet. 

I'm going to try and include my chart.  To me it looks like I may have just ovulated on Thursday before the IUI, but I'm not sure I can trust the temps, with medication and all things considered.  I still feel hopeful about the timing.  Any thoughts?

Candidate #1

First co-parent meeting went down last night.  This was "Candidate #1," the Chinese, gay college professor/researcher.  He was attractive, smart, and kind.  But.  I didn't enjoy aspects of communicating with him, and, considering we would be communicating a lot and he will be communicating with the child as well, I wonder if that is a negative.

Basically, he doesn't respond when I'm speaking in terms of any of the non-verbals or warmth/affirmation.  And, in general, he didn't verbally acknowledge what I said either, other than to comment on his own experience.  I often felt "on the spot" and kind of insecure, like I was trying to keep his attention and work hard to get through to him.  He says he's lived in the U.S. for half his life (he's 44), yet he still had a strong accent and didn't get some of the nuanced references I made, so maybe that's part of the issue?  He did ask me a number of questions, which showed interest.

On the more positive side, he doesn't seem to be a control freak or possessive and had no problem with the child spending more time with me in their early years, unlike the co-parent I talked to a year and a half or so ago.  He's in excellent health and is interested in theatre, opera, art, literature, and tennis/swimming (he teaches/researches literature).  We left the meeting saying we would email and talk again soon.

I'm speaking to the older guy from the East coast later this afternoon and will post another update after that.

Quick question for those of you who have taken DHEA:  I've only taken it for three days and my breasts seemed to get some internal soreness right away and my bbt went up several tenths - did this happen to you?  I remember my temps went up in the luteal phase when I was on it before, but this seems really fast.

TWW and Test Results (not the test you're thinking)

I am nearing the end of this two-week-wait.  I wanted to share signs, which are likely all in my head or about my period coming (ah, the cynicism of so many months of BFNs) and also talk about the fertility test results I just received from Kai.ser.

With regard to signs, I had little to report until yesterday.  I dropped and broke a couple of things a few days ago, which seemed odd but probably unrelated.  I had a slight wave of nausea while out on a walk Sunday with sh/cm.  Usually - sorry for TMI - when I think I have nausea, I burp shortly thereafter, which explains it.  But nope, no burp this time.

Also, remember the implantation-type temperature dip I've had a couple of times now?  Well, I had that again on 10 dpo, but seeing as it's the third time and the first two times led to zilch, I wasn't so excited.

Then, yesterday, I had lower abdominal pulling/slight cramping feelings in the afternoon.  I told sh/cm that I feel like my period is coming and this cycle is likely coming to an end.  But this morning my temperature is still up, and I haven't had any spotting yet.  My cycle is due today or tomorrow.

On to the tests.  So I am now on sh/cm's insurance with Kai.ser, so I am starting up the process again with their reproductive endocrinology folks.  The first step is always a battery of tests, and I'm working my way through those.

The first round of prolactin/progesterone/thyroid came back yesterday.  Not what I expected.  My thyroid is too high (5.8 - indicating hypothyroid) and my progesterone is too low (5).  My progesterone has tended on the low side before but not this low.  There is a chance that it was really day 24 vs. 23 - you're supposed to test on days 21-23 - but it still shouldn't be that low, right?

Anyway, just in case, I started supplementing with progesterone cream until I can see the doctor who will likely recommend suppositories or shots.  I also took matters into my own hands with my thyroid medicine and started taking an extra quarter pill.

I'm so frustrated because earlier this year, I had thyroid testing done, and after first raising the dose when it came back a bit high, the doctor retested and lowered it again after deciding it was then a little low.  The problem is, I felt great on the first dosage adjustment, after she had raised it:  I lost a little weight (probably also due to running), my energy felt right, and I just intuitively felt in a good place with it.  So I think I probably should have stayed on that dose.

I guess there's no use crying over spilt milk, as they say.  I'm just worried that my hypothyroidism has affected my fertility these past few months.  Also, I wonder if my fertility supplements could have affected my thyroid levels.  Has anyone heard of that?  Perhaps a google search is in order.

At least these two issues can be theoretically "fixed."  The next round of testing in a few days (assuming I'm not pregnant) will include FSH, fasting glucose, and estradiol.  Here's hoping. . .

Post-Holiday Gratitude

Well, my updating intentions flew out the window!  Sorry for my unkept promises; I'll try to do a three-in-one post.

Spending time with sh/cm's family was remarkably comfortable and easy.  Though different than me (she's a pediatrician) and profusely talkative, sh/cm's brother's wife, L, and I get along great.  She's very family-focused, and we talk a lot about her boys, their family trips (they've been all over the world - and to most of the National Parks in the greater U.S.), my relationship with sh/cm and her relationship with her husband, D, and various social issues and ideas.  She's a few years older than me but so are a lot of my friends.  

Sh/cm's dad was not the easiest person with which to connect, but he was very kind and welcoming to me. He and his wife, sh/cm's step-mother, have a traditional relationship, and there's definitely a "head of the household" mantle he carries around with him.  One example of the traditional gender-role culture in their house occurred after Thanksgiving dinner and involved me and L in the kitchen scrubbing and drying dishes, while the step-mom bustled around cleaning the rest of the kitchen, and the menfolk sat at the dining room table relaxing and reading the paper.  Grrr.  Sh/cm heard about that one later, for sure!

Anyway, overall it was a nice trip.  Other highlights included:  seeing sh/cm connect with his half-sister's  three boys, especially the oldest one (watching/listening to them play the game of Life was sweet, and I loved seeing sh/cm's patience and care); traditional Thanksgiving dinner of turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, sweet potatoes, green beans with bacon, cranberry jelly, rolls, and pecan pie with ice cream - OMG; a gorgeous forest hike above a local Sacramento river with kids, parents, and an elder all looking out for one another and conversing amicably; finishing the weekend playing laser tag with sh/cm, his father, brother, and several nephews (I was a fun target as I could not help screaming as I ran away).

The other side of the our time near Sacramento involved sh/cm and my stay in a historic downtown Placerville hotel Wednesday and Thursday nights.  We had some amazing talks throughout the weekend about our family histories, the future of civilization, family dynamics and issues (processing our visits with his family worked much better than when we were in Eugene with my family for some reason), AND we managed to fulfill our efforts at trying to conceive in what seems to be perfect timing and flow.   

I forgot my bbt thermometer, of course, so I don't know for sure when I ovulated, but the OPK was negative Wednesday morning and positive Thursday - and I'm pretty sure I felt the famed Mittelschmerz twinges on Wednesday later in the day and on Thursday.  When I got him Friday night, I took my temperature and it indicated there had been a rise that morning/day, and this morning was clearly in the higher post-ovulation range.  I'm glad we had separate accommodations those evenings!  

TMI alert:  I stayed with my hips raised for a while each time, as well, which I don't always do, and we also practiced the "have an orgasm afterwards to draw the sperm up into the uterus" technique on our last night.  I'm feeling quite optimistic about our efforts.

We got back into town around 8:30 p.m. last night.  I'm spending the day by myself at my house (currently sitting in the sun at the kitchen table drinking a pineapple/orange/banana smoothie) and he at his, then we will be reuniting for a date night tonight.  Feeling post-holiday gratitude for my relationship with sh/cm.

An Upward Trend

Excited about the Oregon - Stanford game on Saturday.  Family dinner scheduled for tomorrow night, too, including niece and nephew (yay!).  

Today was an okay day.  Work wasn't horrible, and I had a productive talk with sh/cm tonight.  I'm pretty sure part of the tension relates to thinking about long term plans together and the scrutiny and perfectionist-driven fear that stimulates.

My temperature was up several tenths this morning, which was a bit surprising.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.  Also have had a minor headache since this afternoon.

Hope you all have a happy Friday!  I will be attending a community non-profit event on resilience and climate change with sh/cm.  Looking forward to it actually.