An Eventful Last Week - Friends, Family, and Fertility

My trip to Oregon was awesome! Three favorite parts:

1. Meeting with three awesome friends Friday night at a local wine bar/restaurant and a fourth joining us at the end (these were my peeps throughout the weekend). We immediately launched into familiar dynamics and reminiscing and laughter. So fun! I forgot how funny my high school friends were! It's been 15-20 years since I had seen two of them, so it's pretty amazing we just picked back up and felt close right away. We went on to have an awesome time connecting with our other classmates at the pizza parlor we frequented in high school, especially after football games - it hadn't changed! 
2. Walking downtown to the Saturday Market the next morning with my brother, sis-in-law and two little nieces. A nice outing in beautiful Eugene, time to catch up, and a tasty crepe breakfast down at the market. Here's a pic from our outing (sis-in-law is taking pic). 
   
3. Walking down to pick up my older niece and nephew - My Dad was out of town, so Zoey and I enjoyed staying at his condo, which is three blocks down from where my sis now lives in Mom and Dad's former house - then walking to the mall across the street to have lunch and paint pottery. Love being creative with kids! My poor niece, J, was feeling under the weather but with some liquid ibuprofen she toughed it out. She painted me a snake after I had raved about a snake my nephew had painted back at their house, which was so sweet. I can't wait to get my snake and place it in a place of prominence in my house! My nephew, E, was so cute and painted a sporty football with both he and his mom's name on it for her birthday, so they could place it in the trailer they've recently acquired and have loved spending time in lately.

After this trip, I am optimistic that my closest high school friends and I will stay in better touch. There were a few other friends with whom it was nice to hang out, as well, including one who works at the state university in Bend and said she could help me get a counseling job there (!). I could theoretically rebuild my business anywhere... My family had a house in Bend and goes there regularly, and I've always loved the area. But on the negative side, I feel like I just got settled here in this house with my new housemate, plus my plans to become preggo in the near future at CA Conceptions clinic not far from where I live. If I did get the job, though, it would pay well, and I could probably fly down for procedures and get a lot of testing done locally. We will see... I'm not sure if maybe I wasn't just feeling the love from the reunion and wanting that to continue.

Speaking of CA Conceptions, I got my saline sonogram done last week! Woo hoo! It was painful! I think the doctor doing the procedure was not as skilled as he professed to be, as there was another doc in there giving him guidance at times. But he got the job done, and the great news is that I'm all clear! I thought I would be since I had fibroid surgery a couple years ago, but it was great to have it confirmed. I have a small fibroid way in the back of the uterus that he said should not be an issue. I also was weighed and they told me I need to lose *3 pounds* to qualify for the refund option. I should be able to do that, right? Right! My housemate said she could give me a diuretic from her work if needed. lol I feel like a wrestler trying to hit my fighting weight.

I also started my new "for now" part-time job this week - so far, so good after a couple of days. More on that later. Hope you all have a great weekend!

p.s. I finally started my cycle the Friday of my trip to Oregon. It was a pain dealing with it at the events, but I was just so glad to get it, I didn't care. I feel so much better. And the doc saw two cysts on one ovary, which he said probably caused the hormone balance and delay. So peri-menopause is not the culprit on this one...unless it causes cysts? But the doc also said I had very few follicles happening on my ovaries, which aligns with my age.

Post-Surgery

 Never having gone through it before, I can now report that surgery is a most interesting experience.  I was first on the docket (rotation?), and therefore required to arrive at 6am.  Neither S nor I are at our best at that hour, this is for sure.  Crabbity crabbity.  We did get there on time, however, then spent the next half hour sitting in the first waiting room.  "First waiting room"?  Why yes, because then they call you into the second waiting room, where you proceed to wait some more.

Things got a lot more interesting, though, once I went into pre-op (sans S).  I and two other gentlemen first received a short lesson in how to remove and store our clothing and put on the lovely blue gown provided for us.  Key in the lesson was how to tie the two ties appropriately.  Hint: the second one should NOT be put through the holes in the gown and should be fastened on the side.  Then, we each were taken to our own separate waiting area and sat in beds/chairs (cool beds that converted into chairs), replete with computer check-in equipment and a sliding, circular curtain for privacy.

On a serious note, huge kudos must be given to every person I dealt with - the receptionist, O.R. nurses, anesthesiologist, doc/intern, and my own doc - for their exceptionally kind, positive, and efficient demeanor.  Seriously, I was WELL treated and cared for.

I was initially asked a bunch of questions, then my vitals were taken and IV was installed (inserted?).  After which, the surgery process was thoroughly explained to me.  The only concern came up when I signed a consent which included "laparoscopic surgery."  For those who have not heard of this, it means an abdominal incision, which is not what I signed up for!  My expectations were clearly set for a simple hysteroscopy and polyp removal by vaginal means.  This confusion was cleared up, though, by the explanation that extremely rarely the uterine wall may be perforated, and they would need to assess and repair this through laparoscopic means.  Okay, I guess I would want you to go forward in that particular situation!

S was able to hang out with me once I was prepped and awaiting the surgery time, which was comforting.  When the stout gentleman nurse finally brought me back, I was ready to get the show on the road.  As we entered the surgery area, I understood the term "operating theater," as it is a very large room with several people intent on performing their "roles," accompanied by many props.  I felt calm and secure from the moment I entered.  Not long after being situated on the table and cleared for "take off" (they actually called it this), I felt the anesthesia go in through the IV on the back of my hand.  My legs were fastened in rather comfortable stirrups and... I was OUT.

The next thing I remember, I woke up in the spacious recovery area, again cared for by attentive and kind nurses.  I felt gooood.  Yeah, I definitely was pretty high at that point.  I remember asking how things went and if they got it all, and the nurse answering in the affirmative.  Also, I remember raving how everyone was so great, and how I wanted to tell them how great they were.  I recall thinking of S and how awesome he was; how much I loved him and how much I wanted to have a baby with him.  And then I passed out for a bit again.  Then drifted in and out for a bit longer, and then was pretty much alert.  The nurse gave me some juice, after which she called S to pull the car around.  I got dressed, sat in a wheelchair (another first that felt pretty strange) and wheeled like a baby or an elderly person out to curbside.

For some reason I was starving and made S go through the McDonald's drive-through to get one of their big breakfasts with pancakes and a coffee.  I did eat it slow, but they said they gave me some anti-nausea med before I left surgery, which must have really worked!  S continued his run of super sweetness by taking Zoey on a walk and out for some playtime before he headed back to work (he just landed a long-term contract!).  He's coming back tonight with some yummy Chinese food.

So I guess I can declare this surgery a big success!  Thank you for your kind wishes.  I'm not sure what will come of it but mission definitely accomplished.  Oh, and when I was in recovery, the doc gave S a series of color pics of the inside of my ute.  You can clearly see the polyps in some of them; it's pretty cool.

Back on the TTC Bandwagon

Sorry for the long absence.  To begin with, I wanted to report that the idea of a third party in our relationship somewhere down the line, a strategy the scared part of me came up with to deal with fear of commitment with a capital C, did NOT go over well with S.  We had some very tough conversations heading into New Years.  But I kind of think those conversations needed to happen.

We're continuing to go to counseling for help with these "stuck" places in both us that have roots way back in our teens or childhood.  It sometimes seems our issues are interrelated... like I wonder if my fear of capital C commitment is related to his reluctance to give up friendships with exes (also a door closing of sorts).  It's amazing and a bit scary to me how deep my feelings are around the latter issue.

Some hope is rising around it though, and we will continue to talk about it tomorrow in our session, focusing on strategies to move forward and build necessary trust.  *Sidenote: last week, we had a sweet New Year's ritual in our session where we lit a candle and named an intention to have a perspective of "Oy vey" versus "Oh Shit!" when conflict or challenge comes up. :)

The other topic I want to talk about in this post is our renewed efforts towards conceiving.  I had my first "new doctor"'s appointment yesterday.

S's sp*rm analysis came back pretty stellar, which he was excited about in a typically male way. :)  On a more downer note, when she saw my AMH results, and considering my age, she emphasized again how low our odds were.  She said she had never seen someone conceive at my age during her time at that medical clinic.... except when they were taking DHEA.  So, it looks like, despite my hatred of the side effects I experienced last time, I am going back onto DHEA but also taking Metformin, which is supposed to somewhat mediate said side effects.

My mood was lifted just a bit, when she did the ultrasound and exclaimed, "Your right ovary looks GREAT!"  Especially considering she was a very low-key, non-exclamatory type person. 

Other actions we're taking or have taken:  I got another HSG (Historosalpingogram) test yesterday, which came out well, and I am also going to get a saline sonogram or something similar (I forget what she said but it's above and beyond a saline sonogram) to check for any abnormalities on the uterine wall that might interfere with implantation.

Then, we might do our first IUI in a few days.  It was too late to start injectable meds this cycle, but everything might be in place to at least do an IUI.  Though the odds are so very, very low, I kinda want to do one because I just had the HSG (which has been shown to help odds a bit) and, afterall, she said my right ovary looked so GREAT. :)  Do you guys think I should?  Or should we just chill and wait until next cycle with the meds.  I'm hoping to connect with the doctor about this later, as well.

Guess that's it for now.  Not any huge expectations over here, just gratitude to be trying and just a tad of hope mixed in.

* Oh, and in the spirit of International Blog Delurking Week, would you please take a moment to say, "hi," in the comments, as well as anything else you would like to share about yourself?  I would love to know who else is out there, in addition to my regular commenters.

New Doctor, New Protocol

The appointment with my new doctor finally came today.  The office assistant was kind of crabby - I overheard her say she hadn't had a break or chance to eat so this is understandable - and the nurse was quite rushed, pulling me about like a piece of meat.

But once I got into the good doctor's office, ahhh.  Very calm, intelligent, and trust-inspiring.  She took lots of time - sometimes a bit more detail than even I cared for, which is saying something - but it was welcome.  We discussed questions and topics I want to thoroughly understand, like immune testing, potential uterine and egg issues, and recommended protocol.

I will not be able to do the conversation about immune testing (MTHRFR and NK Cells, etc.) justice here.  Suffice to say, Kai.ser lab is inexperienced with these tests, so she would have to send me to an outside lab at full cost.  Also, she prefers not to order tests unless there is real data indicating there may be a problem.  This data comes through sp.erm testing and IVF, neither of which relate to me.  Lastly, this falls under the uterine issue percentage listed below, and she believes my issue is in the egg category.

But, she admitted there is so much they don't know, and research is underfunded because the affected population is relatively small. :(  All facts considered, I'm not pursuing these tests right now.  I did have prior clotting-related Lupus anticoagulant and Cardiolipin ab tests, which came back negative.

Regarding potential uterine issues:

• She said 2-5% of problems are based on uterine issues.  It was kind of cute, as much as a uterine metaphor can be cute:  she talked about the uterus as a good child, sitting there waiting, but usually the problems happen prior to the uterus even getting involved.

• I asked about ureaplasma infection, which I understand can cause problems, and she said they treat every patient with Doxycycline, because the testing for ureaplasma is difficult and expensive.  I'm okay with that and will begin taking Doxycycline when my period starts.

• She reassured me that they could see polyps on the ultrasound but occasionally there are spots on the uterus wall, like the start of a polyp or something, and they can more readily see these if they do a saline-infused sonogram.  So, I guess that's an option if I choose, but the longer we talked, the more I agree that it's probably egg-related issues...

Regarding potential egg-related issues (this info. may be old news for some of you):

• She said some of the follicles don't even have eggs in them.  What?  It's true.  So, they can look fine on the monitor, growing well etc., but the egg is crap and disintegrated (she definitely did not use the word crap!).  They know this from IVF harvesting.  She did say that, considering my tests/FSH, it's highly unlikely all three or four follicles would be empty.

• Some eggs fertilize but have three sets of chromosomes.  These don't make it past Day 2 or 3.

• Usually, the problem is an extra chromosome, like with Down's Syndrome or Trisomy 16, etc.  These will usually form a blastocyst, but then I guess they stop developing at some point.  If they reach blastocyst, though, they have the potential to implant.

• She gave an example of one 42-year-old patient undergoing IVF:  On day 3, 50% of embryos made it to blastocyst and of these, 50% were normal.  Soooo, I'm taking from that, relating to me and an injectable cycle, starting with 4-6 eggs would be a good thing if you're cutting in half and then half again!  I had 3 eggs last time... which brings us to protocol...

Protocol for Upcoming Cycle (in possibly as soon as 9 days!)

• I'm getting my thyroid and 21-day fertility tests in a few days, even though I'll be on progesterone again so that result doesn't matter much.

• We're going for a more "gentle" protocol, since I responded so quickly.  Did I mention I love this new doctor?  She looked at my results, and she saw ways they could be improved.  Dr. Negative looked at them and said, "Meh, might as well do the same thing."

• So as mentioned, I'm going to take the Doxycycline to get rid of any infection that may mess with things.  Sounds good.  And, stage two, I'll take Letro.zole for five days.  Then, finally, I'll inject Meno.pur again, but less aggressively at two vials a day versus three, and no Lu.pron.  Hopefully, this will help line things up, and I can collect all my eggs, instead of half.

Now, to decide if I want to go with the same donor...

*On a side note, the doctor was very encouraging and positive about doing international IVF.  She said they collaborate with other clinics (doing everything but egg retrieval and putting embryos back), and she's worked with folks in India and Europe.  She thought Canada would be even easier.  I located a good clinic in Vancouver, but I would definitely need to also find a lending source, even with the dramatic cost reduction.

Checking in and Work Drama

Checking in with a short post this morning, as I'm off to go running soon before acupuncture.

Man, the title of my last post was so depressing!  "Final Curtain"?  Why did I want to utter those words?  I feel yucky looking at them now.  But it was the way I was feeling.  On further reflection, as I wrote to Mo in comments, I would rephrase this next cycle as my, "hail mary for the immediate future."

I'm getting excited for my doctor's appointment next week.  Do any of you have suggestions about what questions to ask her?  I want her to closely consider my last cycle and all the testing I've done.  Am I alone in feeling like sometimes doctors just skim prior records?  Hopefully, with her reputation, she's going to be thorough.

Other happenings:

• I haven't been blocking my time that well, as I talked about trying to do in a previous post.  But I've been hula hooping more :-), and a couples dance class is still on my radar.  In addition, I've been spending a good amount of time on this new job and locating host families for international students.  One of our families cancelled at the last minute, so I'm scrambling to find one more home.

• I'm super psyched about three career counseling clients I'm working with now on my own!  More about this in another post.

• I made awesome zucchini bread yesterday!  Yummy with coconut oil on it versus butter.  We have zucchinis coming out our ears right now.  Tomatoes are starting to come in too.

• Drama at my college job this week.  Several counselors left for various reasons and our Dean put out a desperate plea for counselor referrals.  I was thinking about who I might refer, but experiencing resistance.  I realized, "Hey!  I want that job!"

A bit of a longer story on that fourth bullet... Feel free to skip... So, I talked to the lead counselor with whom I've been training/working, and she encouraged me.  Then, I talked to my current middle school grant supervisor.  Did not go over well, as I guess I'm more integral to her program plans than I thought I was (the silver lining is the feeling of being wanted!).  Politics is alive and well in the college arena, as I watched my hopes be dashed in a meeting by our Dean, who was clearly looking out for my supervisor.  The Dean relies a lot on her, as she oversees several other grants, as well.

It was uncomfortable and stressful, but I think in the long run, it was the right decision to talk directly to my supervisor.  Now it's out in the open, and, once she digested the situation, she talked about how she could help me move over to the college side of things within the next year if that's what I wanted.

I don't like talking to people about topics that might cause conflict or that might make them unhappy with me.  I think talking to her directly showed respect, however, which she appreciated.  It also relieved pressure of unspoken (but known on some level by everyone) feelings and desires operating beneath the surface.

Okay, this post wasn't that short!  Thanks for your support around my last post, I appreciate it.  If any of you know about specific international IVF programs that you've heard recommended, I'd love to hear from you.  Just curious and exploring.

I'm back

Sorry for disappearing!

I was pretty down about the cycle not working for a while.  And the conversation with the doctor sure didn't help, in which he quoted statistics I've heard a million times.  The "worst case" statistics from the "42 and older" category.  At first he said even chances with IVF are low, but then seemed to remember I had responded fairly well to the stim drugs, and by the end of the conversation was pushing IVF like a used car salesman.  He thinks I should go to the free orientation sessions at local clinics and said there is no benefit to going to Kai.ser (they don't do IVF at his location in SF but offer it at the Fremont location) because everything is out of pocket.  I'm not sure I believe that, since it seems like some of the testing and medication would be partially covered, but maybe I could get those through Kai.ser anyway?  I don't even know why I'm debating it, since I can't afford it right now.  I thought about looking at the funding options again, but I'm not optimistic.

So, as of now, I'm still looking forward to connecting with another Kai.ser doctor in Fremont in mid-August and likely doing another injectable cycle before then or at that time.  As my friend reminded me:  at least one out of twenty eggs is still good, so there's still a chance!  A positive viewpoint!

My absence was also due to taking a trip to Lake Ta.hoe for a few days over the Fourth of July with the whole family.  It was really nice.  I hadn't been there in a long time.  We went out on the boat a few times, had a few drinks, laid out on the dock, ate good food, that sort of thing.  A rough life... ha!  AND I got to play a lot with my niece and nephew.  My niece and I had some really lovely drawing/project sessions - so fun to draw in parallel and consult one another on design choices, comment on what I liked about her drawing, etc.  Totally the way I imagine playing with my kid one day.  All three of us also played a lot of matchbox car games, where we enacted different imaginary scenarios and the cars were often humanized.  Pretty interesting.  They got very attached to their assigned cars, too, let me tell you!  My nephew actually carried around a ziploc bag full of cars and would take one out or put one back, then ask you to, "Close it."  Very cute.  Instead of a security blanket, he had a security "bag of cars"!

It's nice to be back now.  I had a date and also have a story to tell about an odd, yet in the end positive, exchange with a good friend of my brother, who lives in SF (we have plans to go on a hike next weekend), but I'll share more in the next couple days.  I'm going to chill out tonight and go to bed early.  I've been following along with blog posts but not commenting much, as I did not have internet reception at the lake (just iPh.one).  But I'll get back into commenting now.  I'm continuing to wish good things for people.

Weekend, 3 DPO

My weekend was a good one.  I attended the performance of an Inter.play theatre troupe, called Wing It, Friday night.  The title of the show was, "God, Sex, and Power," so you know there were some juicy stories.  One of the troupe members recently moved back to Africa after getting married and shared a story about homophobia and prejudice in his community, and how he wants to work to change that.  And one piece in which people were sharing about their questions and relationship with God really resonated.  Trying to make meaning and believe that there is a plan for me...

Yesterday, I attended an SMC brunch and met a bunch of interesting, cool women, many with babies in tow.  You should have heard the savvy language we were rocking in that room.  We could have been doctors!  The women responded positively when they heard the number of eggs I had, though a couple of them did go to donor eggs at younger ages than mine.  They encouraged me to just "keep trying," which is easier said than done financially, but it did bolster me to try again a time or two if needed (knock on wood).

I'm particularly excited about a conversation I had with a couple women who live near me and are about to begin trying.  We talked about child care options like nanny care and cooperative child care and also good neighborhoods for school districts and raising kids.  At the end, we said we would get together again soon and continue the conversation.

Another highlight was holding a little red-haired guy, about six months old, who was so mellow and sweet.  Is there any better smell than baby? (assuming their diaper has been changed recently. hehe)  I would love it if my baby had red hair, though this mom was a bit concerned he might get picked on.  I would never have thought of that possibility.

On the IUI front, I've been taking vaginal progesterone two times a day since Friday evening.  I'm definitely noticing some effects.  My breasts are quite sore, and I've had a bit of abdominal cramping.  At first, of course, I thought, "ooh, maybe it's implantation!"  But first of all, it's too early, and second, I read online that progesterone can cause this symptom, as well.  I've been more hungry I would say, too, and a little more crabby.  Nothing too bad, yet. 

I'm going to try and include my chart.  To me it looks like I may have just ovulated on Thursday before the IUI, but I'm not sure I can trust the temps, with medication and all things considered.  I still feel hopeful about the timing.  Any thoughts?

Monitoring Results! What in God's name is "synching up"?

My monitoring appointment this morning was mostly good, I think.  The one thing that bothered me was that the nurse practitioner I saw for the monitoring said I responded very quickly to the medication.  Apparently, this tends to happen more with older women and isn't necessarily a good thing because of  sometimes not "synching up" or something?  Do any of you know about this?  

I'm calling in tomorrow morning to schedule a time to drop of the sp.erm and plan to have the nurses ask the doctor what this mysterious "synching up" means and whether he approves of the plan we came up with.  

Anyway, first things first, the numbers:

3 Follicles on the Right side:  15.6 mm, 17.2 mm, 15.4 mm

2 Follicles on the Left side:  12.3 mm, 9.3 mm

Endometrium thickness:  9.5 mm

She said that she didn't think the two follicles on the left side would catch up, and thus said I have three follicles.  They like to see three to five, so that's not bad.  The lining thickness is great, she said.  

When to trigger:  At first, she suggested I should trigger tomorrow tomorrow night and come in for the IUI Wednesday.  Yikes!  This is way faster than they initially indicated things would go, and I was expecting at least one or two more monitoring appointments.  That's good news in some ways, less expense for example, but puts things on the fast track and has the potential (confusing) downside mentioned above.  

At that point, I asked her if there were any downside to waiting one more day to trigger, and she said, "No."  So, I said that I didn't mind doing another day of meds, and we agreed I will trigger on Tuesday and come in for the IUI Thursday.  I'm secretly hoping that 12.3 follicle will jump on board. Is that even possible?

Apparently they don't monitor you the day of the IUI because you can't necessarily tell if someone has ovulated due to fluid accumulation.  A bit disappointing since I was looking forward to that absolute, "Yes! You ovulated and this is how many eggs!" confirmation.

Successfully completed my fifth round of injections tonight, and, as some of you said, it has definitely gotten easier!  I bled a couple drops last night and was a bit sore, but no big deal. 

I hope to hear more about this "synching up" idea tomorrow morning...

And I'm hoping those follies keep on growing, even little number 12.3.  "Go follicles, Go!!!"  :-)

School Endings and Cycle Beginnings

I wrote this on Thursday evening but didn't finish the post:

I was reading a blog post while driving in slow, stop-and-go traffic today and gently tapped the car in front of me.  Whoops!  Lesson learned!  No damage to either car, thank goodness.

I'm done with the school year, yay!!!  Finished up our fourth and final school today.  The kids gave presentations based on their career research paper.  Or many of them did anyway.  I was pleased overall with the level of participation.  In only one class did I have to really work to cajole them to get up and speak.  So much so that I was doing cartwheels.  Actual cartwheels.  I convinced two additional people to get up and speak with that reward.  Not sure why it was so exciting.  I guess you don't see a teacher do cartwheels in the classroom everyday. :-)

It's now Saturday.....

...and I'm so loving sitting in the sun on the deck right now.  Feeling very happy.  Just got off a super-fun Sk.ype call with a guy, T, who lives in the U.K.  OMG, he's so cute.  And not just in terms of looks, but his whole personality.  We talked about all kinds of things, from international travel, to spirituality, to what makes up chemistry between people, to living in community, to alternative economies.  It was awesome!  And we both said that we found it unusually easy to talk to one another.  We made arrangement to check in tomorrow and maybe talk before I go to bed, which would be 7 a.m. his time.  He told me about the "Ringing Cedars" book series.  Have any of you read this series?  I want to get a hold of it.

Grateful to be done teaching and also to find out that I will have work through the college counseling office through the summer.  At least enough to get by.  I also applied for two other part-time jobs: SAT (and other) tutoring for Com.pass, which sounds like a good company, and International Student Coordinator with a local, private high school.  I'm not sure how the hours work out for the latter one, as the ad said I would be paid $700 per student but detailed many different stages of working with them and their families.  I hope I land one of these!

Regarding this cycle, I think I'll probably go ahead.  Once again, dating is making me question my choices (what if it works out with him?  what if we want a child together?), but I think I'll still take the leap.  Many "signs" seems to be encouraging me, including all the donated medication I've received, and the support that has recently surfaced from a couple of women I know.  One woman from my dance community actually wants to be a co-parent.  I haven't quite wrapped my head around that, yet, but she also said she would love to be a "special aunt," so that's great.  Another woman who collaborated with me on my recent Transition workshop asked me today whether I had "aunts" lined up, and also if I was interested in intentional community.  She's a super cool lady, and I would love to have her in my and my child's life! 

Finally, I had a fundraising idea to host a "Fun and Games Fertility Night," where I would facilitate theatre games (people could also watch), and we could also play board games, snack, and talk.  I would ask a donation range.  I put the idea out to some of my women friends.  The one response was awesome, and I'm waiting to hear from the others.  I could potentially raise a few hundred to a thousand dollars, which would definitely help. 

After my injection refresher last week, I feel confident and ready to go on that front!  My cycle is due to start in the next couple of days...

Giving it the Last-Minute Try

I'm so excited that some blog friends trying to conceive have been getting BFPs.  A big twin-size Congratulations to Jen!  And sending lots of good thoughts to Mo as she goes for her first ultrasound tomorrow.

I'm not sure I want to talk about it much yet because the dust is settling and more talking will be done this weekend (it's not going to be back to where we were before).  But regardless of the outcome, S and I jumped on the crazy train and gave it another try this month.  Soooo, yeah.

The timing was right, cycle days 13/14, with reference to when I usually ovulate, though I was not tracking with temps or ovu predictors.  And for the first time with us trying, I had noticeable "eggwhite" cm, so that seemed a good sign.

One odd physical symptom I've had for over month now is really sore breasts.  Which could either indicate I'm in peri-menopause, be a reaction to going off prenatal supplements, or be a hormonal reaction to eating more fat in my diet or something.  Anyone else had this happen out of the blue?

On top of that, I've experienced a couple significant breast pangs in the last day and also had twinges in what felt like the right place.  But at just a few days post ovulation, I think it's early and likely means nada.

This may not make sense, but, regardless, I'm happy with this opportunity to try - even taking into account the obsessive aspect of the two-week-wait!

TWW and Test Results (not the test you're thinking)

I am nearing the end of this two-week-wait.  I wanted to share signs, which are likely all in my head or about my period coming (ah, the cynicism of so many months of BFNs) and also talk about the fertility test results I just received from Kai.ser.

With regard to signs, I had little to report until yesterday.  I dropped and broke a couple of things a few days ago, which seemed odd but probably unrelated.  I had a slight wave of nausea while out on a walk Sunday with sh/cm.  Usually - sorry for TMI - when I think I have nausea, I burp shortly thereafter, which explains it.  But nope, no burp this time.

Also, remember the implantation-type temperature dip I've had a couple of times now?  Well, I had that again on 10 dpo, but seeing as it's the third time and the first two times led to zilch, I wasn't so excited.

Then, yesterday, I had lower abdominal pulling/slight cramping feelings in the afternoon.  I told sh/cm that I feel like my period is coming and this cycle is likely coming to an end.  But this morning my temperature is still up, and I haven't had any spotting yet.  My cycle is due today or tomorrow.

On to the tests.  So I am now on sh/cm's insurance with Kai.ser, so I am starting up the process again with their reproductive endocrinology folks.  The first step is always a battery of tests, and I'm working my way through those.

The first round of prolactin/progesterone/thyroid came back yesterday.  Not what I expected.  My thyroid is too high (5.8 - indicating hypothyroid) and my progesterone is too low (5).  My progesterone has tended on the low side before but not this low.  There is a chance that it was really day 24 vs. 23 - you're supposed to test on days 21-23 - but it still shouldn't be that low, right?

Anyway, just in case, I started supplementing with progesterone cream until I can see the doctor who will likely recommend suppositories or shots.  I also took matters into my own hands with my thyroid medicine and started taking an extra quarter pill.

I'm so frustrated because earlier this year, I had thyroid testing done, and after first raising the dose when it came back a bit high, the doctor retested and lowered it again after deciding it was then a little low.  The problem is, I felt great on the first dosage adjustment, after she had raised it:  I lost a little weight (probably also due to running), my energy felt right, and I just intuitively felt in a good place with it.  So I think I probably should have stayed on that dose.

I guess there's no use crying over spilt milk, as they say.  I'm just worried that my hypothyroidism has affected my fertility these past few months.  Also, I wonder if my fertility supplements could have affected my thyroid levels.  Has anyone heard of that?  Perhaps a google search is in order.

At least these two issues can be theoretically "fixed."  The next round of testing in a few days (assuming I'm not pregnant) will include FSH, fasting glucose, and estradiol.  Here's hoping. . .

Post-Holiday Gratitude

Well, my updating intentions flew out the window!  Sorry for my unkept promises; I'll try to do a three-in-one post.

Spending time with sh/cm's family was remarkably comfortable and easy.  Though different than me (she's a pediatrician) and profusely talkative, sh/cm's brother's wife, L, and I get along great.  She's very family-focused, and we talk a lot about her boys, their family trips (they've been all over the world - and to most of the National Parks in the greater U.S.), my relationship with sh/cm and her relationship with her husband, D, and various social issues and ideas.  She's a few years older than me but so are a lot of my friends.  

Sh/cm's dad was not the easiest person with which to connect, but he was very kind and welcoming to me. He and his wife, sh/cm's step-mother, have a traditional relationship, and there's definitely a "head of the household" mantle he carries around with him.  One example of the traditional gender-role culture in their house occurred after Thanksgiving dinner and involved me and L in the kitchen scrubbing and drying dishes, while the step-mom bustled around cleaning the rest of the kitchen, and the menfolk sat at the dining room table relaxing and reading the paper.  Grrr.  Sh/cm heard about that one later, for sure!

Anyway, overall it was a nice trip.  Other highlights included:  seeing sh/cm connect with his half-sister's  three boys, especially the oldest one (watching/listening to them play the game of Life was sweet, and I loved seeing sh/cm's patience and care); traditional Thanksgiving dinner of turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, sweet potatoes, green beans with bacon, cranberry jelly, rolls, and pecan pie with ice cream - OMG; a gorgeous forest hike above a local Sacramento river with kids, parents, and an elder all looking out for one another and conversing amicably; finishing the weekend playing laser tag with sh/cm, his father, brother, and several nephews (I was a fun target as I could not help screaming as I ran away).

The other side of the our time near Sacramento involved sh/cm and my stay in a historic downtown Placerville hotel Wednesday and Thursday nights.  We had some amazing talks throughout the weekend about our family histories, the future of civilization, family dynamics and issues (processing our visits with his family worked much better than when we were in Eugene with my family for some reason), AND we managed to fulfill our efforts at trying to conceive in what seems to be perfect timing and flow.   

I forgot my bbt thermometer, of course, so I don't know for sure when I ovulated, but the OPK was negative Wednesday morning and positive Thursday - and I'm pretty sure I felt the famed Mittelschmerz twinges on Wednesday later in the day and on Thursday.  When I got him Friday night, I took my temperature and it indicated there had been a rise that morning/day, and this morning was clearly in the higher post-ovulation range.  I'm glad we had separate accommodations those evenings!  

TMI alert:  I stayed with my hips raised for a while each time, as well, which I don't always do, and we also practiced the "have an orgasm afterwards to draw the sperm up into the uterus" technique on our last night.  I'm feeling quite optimistic about our efforts.

We got back into town around 8:30 p.m. last night.  I'm spending the day by myself at my house (currently sitting in the sun at the kitchen table drinking a pineapple/orange/banana smoothie) and he at his, then we will be reuniting for a date night tonight.  Feeling post-holiday gratitude for my relationship with sh/cm.

Way up in the sky, the little birds fly. . .

I sang the song below for my niece and nephew a few times over the past couple days.  It met my need to be seen, and their need for entertainment.  

Today's agenda:  strolling around downtown Eugene and eating breakfast at the 5th Street Market; matinee showing of "Powerball"; walking along the Willamette River and heavy discussion of personality differences/comfort levels with one another in different contexts; pizza parlor replete with carousel ride for the kiddies and lots of pineapple on my salad and pizza ;-).

Preparations

I will truly be "Between" two places tomorrow, as sh/cm and I drive from the Bay Area up to Eugene, Oregon where my entire family resides.  The Ducks won their football game against Cal tonight, so the weekend is getting off to a fabulous start!

I ran around doing tons of errands today: volunteered at Interplay; bought fun gifts for the niece/nephew and little cousins; picked up snacks and chocolate chips for the cookies I made tonight for the trip.  Oh yeah, and I also bought fresh pineapple! ;-)

Just a bit more packing in the morning, pick up some bottles of California wine with sh/cm, and we'll be off!

As a side note, my mother wrote me the warmest email she's ever written, inviting us to their place for dinner when we get into town tomorrow evening and asking if that is the way I would like to start the weekend, introducing sh/cm to my family and to Eugene.

I'm not explaining adequately, but it was sweet. . . and quite unusual for my generally luke-warm mother (I don't know if I've shared this here, but my birth mom passed away when I was four, and my Dad remarried my current Mom the following year. We've never had what I would consider a typical or close mother/daughter relationship.).

NaBloPoMo: Between

Welcome to National Blog Posting Month!  I have been meaning to sign on for a second month (after my trial run a few months ago, in which my performance was fair to middlin'), so as to plug into that external motivation, kick-in-the-butt energy of a commitment to post daily.  So here we go!

I like the theme for this month, and the picture too for that matter.  In this moment, I can think of several "Betweens" in my life.  It especially feels like I'm at a "Between" place in my career. . . even though I have a part-time job, it doesn't take much of my time, and I still feel stalled out in my life purpose.  Looking for that meaningful, creative project to sink my teeth in to, in addition to more professional counseling/assessment work.

Secondly, as you can see from reading my blog lately, I'm engaged in efforts toward trying to conceive, which feels like a "Between" place, as well: not yet a mother, but wanting it deeply, in my bones.

And finally, my relationship with sh/cm is "Between" the states of "seriously committed," and "we're in it for the long haul."  Which again, may sound crazy considering we're trying to have a child, but it makes sense to us.

Makes sense in that we both long for a child, and we would clearly be committed co-parents no matter what happens.  I'm hopeful we will eventually be more seriously committed romantic partners, as well.  But at this time, we are working through some things (including his ex coming in to town for two weeks of work, part of which he plans to assist her with, at the beginning of January grrrr).

So, I think I have lots of grist for the "Between" mill this month, in addition to my regular life and cycle updates.  I look forward to exploring with you all!

Romance and Travel

I am no poet, in any sense of the word, but I wanted to share with you some poetry-like writing I did today while thinking about sh/cm.

With you, it’s in the words and the touch

It’s the long conversations, virtual and personal

About life, love, whether humanity (and we) have a future

And how it feels to hold your hand day after day,

To kiss each other like we mean it

We keep showing up, 

Somehow breaking through the icy fear 

That held us back before

Into something bigger, something that holds it all and says, 

“We’re good, baby.  We can do this.  We’re different.”  

Miraculous, really, that place.  

I think I’ll curl up there now 

And dream of love.

I guess I'm feeling romantic.  My thoughts are focused on our upcoming trip to Oregon and spending some time together with my family.  We will drive up Friday morning, a week from tomorrow, and return by Monday night.  

My brother kindly invited us to stay at his place, but sh/cm said he'd like to get a hotel room, and this girl who loves hotels will not be arguing the point!  It will be nice to have a home base to have some alone time in-between family gatherings.  

What I'm most looking forward to:

• Going on a hike with my brother and his new wife.  I'm excited for sh/cm to get to know my brother, who is the person I'm closest to in my immediate family.
• Working out at the athletic club in Eugene, which our family business developed and runs.  My sister and brother both work there - my sister with my Dad in the main office, and my brother in the club itself - so when we go there, we will likely have lunch and hang out.  And I'll get to see my niece and nephew in the on-site childcare - bonus!  
• Dinner and drinks with family.  I imagine we'll go out to a nice dinner and hopefully everyone will relax and get to know each other better over some good food and wine.
• Spending playtime with my niece and nephew! (at their house)  My nephew just turned two and will be super fun and probably all about the physical play.  My niece is four now and into imaginary play and reading (unless that's changed).  I can't wait!  It will be fun to see sh/cm around the kids, and he also may spend some of this time on this own, taking a break.

I'm going to have a phone conversation with my Dad sometime this week and say something about my hopes that he will make an effort to get to know sh/cm.  My Dad can be somewhat quiet and, let's just say, anti-social introverted.

Cycle-wise, I'm on Day 9 of a Femara cycle.  I have felt more tired than usual, and I'm not sure if that's related.  No signs of ovulation yet, which is awesome after ovulating on Day 10 last month.  Hoping I make it at least to Day 12. . .

Almost. . .

I wish I had better news to report.  I started cramping a bit more yesterday, in a different place - more in front middle abdomen, just above my pubic bone.  Which is strange because I don't usually notice cramping in that area before my period.

Anyway, this "special" cramping seemed to lead into some very light brown/pink spotting, which still left room for hope. . . but by this morning, my temperature had dropped a couple of degrees and the cramping became more intense.  It was all over by this afternoon.

All things considered, I do believe something started to happen this month.  I guess it just wasn't meant to be.  There were two "firsts":  an implantation dip and one extra day added to my luteal phase.  This morning, Fertility Friend actually said something like, "You may be pregnant, you should take a test."  I never actually did test this cycle, and I'm kind of glad I didn't.

I feel sad and disappointed, of course.  But I guess I also feel like things clearly seem to be improving overall as far as higher post-ovulation temperatures, and then the "almost" that was this cycle.  So I'm hopeful as we jump right back into trying again.  I'm trying to get some Femara to add to the agenda for this time around. . .

A Very Busy Week (And a Follicular Phase Question)

Stopping by for a belated update before I head out to run some errands.

On the ttc front, wondering if any of you have had the experience of your follicular phase shortening after going on any of the supplements I talked about in this post?  I have consistently had a 27-day cycle, with a 13-day follicular phase followed by a 14-day luteal phase.

Until last month.

Last month, my follicular phase shortened to 11 days, and this month it was around 10!  At least according to my basal body temperature charting, which showed a significant, post-ovulation rise yesterday on day 11.  And I tested positive on an OPK the evening of day 10 (negative that morning).

I'm worried that this may be a "bad thing" and would love any feedback you may have to give.

In other news, sh/cm and I visited his brother and family in San Diego last weekend and he was surprised that we all got along so well right from the beginning.  Not to inflate myself, but apparently the relationship between his family and his two exes was less than warm and close.  So, of course, I feel great about that.

And best of all, it was a fun and generally relaxed time.  Walks on the beach, a tall ship festival, two lovely home-cooked dinners with friends, hot tubbing. . . and sh/cm and I had some great deeper talks on the long car ride back (I slept a lot on the ride there because we left at 8 p.m., but that's another story!).

Finally, I started the new job. . . and survived the first day!

The kids were generally engaged and fairly well-behaved - except for a couple students in one of the classes but it wasn't too horrible.  It definitely took stamina to get through so many class periods, but I kept reminding myself of the high hourly pay rate to keep me going!

If I can just get through this one day a week, I think I'll develop a lot professionally.  And I can have a stiff drink at the end of the day!  lol

HPT/Relationship Results

I took my first HPT today.  B - F - N

I didn't really expect much more for 9 days post-ovulation (dpo) and not experiencing any blatant signs, as of yet.  In previous cycles, if I took an HPT at all, it was later in the cycle, when it was more likely to be accurate.

But this time, I decided that I would take a completely different approach and test every day, starting at 9 dpo.  My thinking is that I will not be as disappointed with early negatives.  Also, it gives me something active and real on which to focus, when I can so easily slip into overanalyzing every little non-symptom.

Speaking of which, what I've felt so far, pregnancy related or not:  sharp twinge-like cramps on the right lower side of uterus at 4 dpo; breast soreness, especially the last few days; lighter twinges on right lower side of uterus, as well as slightly higher on left side, yesterday; a low-grade but persistent headache on 3 and especially 6 dpo.

So, nothing too out of this world definitive and exciting.  I will report on whether anything changes and on the daily test results.  My cycle usually ends on day 28, but this cycle had a short pre-ovulation phase  so I'm guessing it will end at 26 days, though still 13/14 dpo.

Another topic on my mind, stemming from my relationship with sh/cm, regards the 80/20 rule.  Have you heard of this?  Apparently, in most working relationships, about 80% is good and about 20% is not so good.  

I'm curious, first about whether this is true for all my friends/acquaintances (both online and off) who are in working relationships (have been together more than a few months and would say they are in a "long-term" relationship).  If not, what IS the percentage ratio?

And second, what is the approximately 80% and 20% each comprised of?  For instance, do most people seem to more highly value the sexual side of the relationship or the friendship side?  This could be further divided into the four quadrants: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.  Where do each of these four quadrants tend to fall in that 80/20 split?  


And then I can analyze what, if any, patterns emerge. . .

Or perhaps every partnership is unique and the results will fall all over the map?


If those of you who are in long-term relationships would be willing to share your thoughts on these questions, I would appreciate it.  Then, I can add mine, compile, and summarize the results back through this blog.  I plan to keep asking people until I collect answers from approximately 20-30 people.

I don't want to share too much yet about my own answers, except to say that my relationship with sh/cm is not perfect.  I know that no relationship is perfect, and I'm reflecting on whether I believe ours is perfect enough.  It's the best relationship I have had, and definitely the most intimate in all quadrants.  We continue to grow, both in the relationship and individually.

But, ironically, my relationship with the old flame was stronger in the one area that is challenging in some ways for me with sh/cm.  So I have this recent situation that was so much worse in almost all areas,  yet mocks me with it's perfection in this one area.  :-/

Any feedback or thoughts welcome!

All You Ever Wanted to Know About My Fertility Supplements

I am sitting here in the "2 week wait" and, needless to say, my mind keeps wandering back to conception topics!  So I am just going to go with it and write a post about the fertility supplements I'm taking.

If any of you are currently taking supplements and would be willing to share information or feedback in the comments section, I would love to hear it!

In addition to my synthroid for my hypothyroid condition, I take three other supplements when I get up in the morning:
2 Rainbow Light Organic Prenatal Vitamins
1 Natural Factors 400 mg Coenzyme Q10 soft gel (I have seen 600 mg recommended also)
1 Golden Emperor Royal Jelly capsule (2 might be a bit better but I'm taking 1)

With lunch, I take:
50 mg Pure Encapsulations DHEA capsules
1 (1000 mg) Nordic Naturals Omega-3 Purified Fish Oil soft gel

Later in the day, around evening time, I take a baby aspirin.  I have no scientific reason for taking the baby aspirin separately; it just seemed like it might get lost with all the rest!

I wanted to share a bit about how I chose my supplements:

Prenatals are generally a given to assure an optimum level of vitamins and minerals, but I like that mine are made with organic fruits and vegetables.

Regarding the lesser-used supplements, on several websites, I read about many women following their doctors recommendations with regard to a certain protocol of supplements for fertility purposes.  Although I recognize that not everyone would be comfortable with this, I felt comfortable enough to follow what was most frequently recommended.

Because I am 42, egg quality is obviously a concern and DHEA and COQ10 have shown some promising results in this department.  The DHEA study often referenced shows clearly improved pregnancy results after taking 75 mg for 90 days.  Because of the potential for side effects, and because I saw others taking it at this level, I chose to stay with 50 mg for now.

COQ10 has only been studied in mice (!) regarding egg quality (a prior study showed that it increased male fertility) and yet the results were so promising - and I think doctors are seeing results in their patients - that it seems to be commonly recommended now.

In reading more closely, I think I should be taking the Royal Jelly with bee pollen.  Any thoughts on this?  There seem to be many positive effects of bee products, including fertility, and no real downside - unless you are allergic to bees!

Omega-3 Fish Oil is so commonly used now to support fertility.  Reasons cited include hormone regulation and increased fertile cervical fluid.  A few years ago when I was actively trying to conceive using IUIs, I was seeing an acupuncturist who recommended it, so I felt confident adding it to the regimen.

And finally, an added benefit of taking supplements:  I can take action and have some effect on something which, for the most part, feels entirely out of my control!