Sorry for the long absence. To begin with, I wanted to report that the idea of a third party in our relationship somewhere down the line, a strategy the scared part of me came up with to deal with fear of commitment with a capital C, did NOT go over well with S. We had some very tough conversations heading into New Years. But I kind of think those conversations needed to happen.
We're continuing to go to counseling for help with these "stuck" places in both us that have roots way back in our teens or childhood. It sometimes seems our issues are interrelated... like I wonder if my fear of capital C commitment is related to his reluctance to give up friendships with exes (also a door closing of sorts). It's amazing and a bit scary to me how deep my feelings are around the latter issue.
Some hope is rising around it though, and we will continue to talk about it tomorrow in our session, focusing on strategies to move forward and build necessary trust. *Sidenote: last week, we had a sweet New Year's ritual in our session where we lit a candle and named an intention to have a perspective of "Oy vey" versus "Oh Shit!" when conflict or challenge comes up. :)
The other topic I want to talk about in this post is our renewed efforts towards conceiving. I had my first "new doctor"'s appointment yesterday.
S's sp*rm analysis came back pretty stellar, which he was excited about in a typically male way. :) On a more downer note, when she saw my AMH results, and considering my age, she emphasized again how low our odds were. She said she had never seen someone conceive at my age during her time at that medical clinic.... except when they were taking DHEA. So, it looks like, despite my hatred of the side effects I experienced last time, I am going back onto DHEA but also taking Metformin, which is supposed to somewhat mediate said side effects.
My mood was lifted just a bit, when she did the ultrasound and exclaimed, "Your right ovary looks GREAT!" Especially considering she was a very low-key, non-exclamatory type person.
Other actions we're taking or have taken: I got another HSG (Historosalpingogram) test yesterday, which came out well, and I am also going to get a saline sonogram or something similar (I forget what she said but it's above and beyond a saline sonogram) to check for any abnormalities on the uterine wall that might interfere with implantation.
Then, we might do our first IUI in a few days. It was too late to start injectable meds this cycle, but everything might be in place to at least do an IUI. Though the odds are so very, very low, I kinda want to do one because I just had the HSG (which has been shown to help odds a bit) and, afterall, she said my right ovary looked so GREAT. :) Do you guys think I should? Or should we just chill and wait until next cycle with the meds. I'm hoping to connect with the doctor about this later, as well.
Guess that's it for now. Not any huge expectations over here, just gratitude to be trying and just a tad of hope mixed in.
* Oh, and in the spirit of International Blog Delurking Week, would you please take a moment to say, "hi," in the comments, as well as anything else you would like to share about yourself? I would love to know who else is out there, in addition to my regular commenters.