Ongoing Trials and Transitions

Just riding along on this freaky transition train, holding on as best I can!  I met with the owner of the co-housing home again a couple days ago to introduce her to Zoey.  Everything went fine on that front.  Then, we talked for a while and she explained why she was kind of ungrounded when talking about it before.  Basically, her partner has a great job and loves living in Canada, and they have a great house up there, but she has reservations and for understandable reasons is still attached to this area.  One of her two sons works in SF and the other, as mentioned, will be attending UC Davis in the fall.  As if that wasn't enough, her mother is also living in an independent living facility in a town not far from the cohousing community (but she's not totally independent and needs some regular help). 

She is under a lot of pressure with this whole medical situation, too, and the timeline of the surgery, etc.  In our last contact, she said she has a doctor's appointment on June 2nd which may give her a better idea of her immediate future in the Bay Area and asked if she could talk to me after that.  I said okay.  For my part, I got clear in talking to friends that I would like to have the opportunity to housesit for two months, regardless if we went forward with the housesharing step after a month or so.  That would at least give some stability and time to connect with the community to see if I might find other opportunities there.  Or alternatively find another place.  So, it's a waiting game until after the 2nd. 

Meanwhile I continue to look and follow up on other places, like the Albany house.  No word on that yet, either.  I connected with a lovely single mom who has a 17-month-old little boy.  But her budget is pretty modest and there are a lot of unknowns with that scenario: how will we get along in terms of lifestyle?  Can we even find a place in that rent range (I can pay 300 or 400 more, which makes sense considering one extra room would eventually be my kid's but still doesn't give us much to work with)?  How will her little boy do with Zoey?  etc.  But I think we will still meet up later this week, as we had a really nice first phone call. 

I'm feeling worried because I am now officially over the one-month mark negotiated with my friend (unless there was a set date to move into a new place sometime in June), so I guess I need to bring that up with her.  Some good news from one of the credit agencies that one item has already been removed from my report.  Yay!  I don't know which one but each one matters in the score.  They have until about June 21st to complete their investigation though.

I also am ready to share that I am pissed off at the guy I was dating.  We did talk Tuesday and Thursday but haven't heard a word from him yesterday or today.  On Thursday I asked him to go to dinner with me (using this Amazon deal I have that I had mentioned to him before), and he immediately started scrambling and saying something to the effect that he didn't know about this weekend or he is busy this weekend or something.  Yuck.  Not the response you would like to hear when putting yourself out there and making a romantic gesture. 

We have had ups and downs the last couple weeks, basically around me wanting more reassurance and communication from him - to know what's going on with him.  He's not very communicative emotionally and definitely lives on the side of the less words needed to communicate something the better.  When we are in person, as mentioned, I have felt a lot of attention from him, chemistry, connection, ease of communication overall.  I know his job is super demanding and time consuming, but I don't think that prevents him from communicating here or there if he were truly interested, does it? 

I think he has doubts and maybe has decided he doesn't want things to go forward based on a conversation we had, after spending some intimate time together, in which he was kind of distant and matter of fact, which triggered me, and I pushed for connection and to have the chance to ask what was on my mind.  It did not go well.

So then it was touch and go, with conversations about compatibility and me wanting to "process" more than he does... then we got together last Monday and, as it always does when we're together, it felt fun and just flowed well, so we decided to keep seeing each other but take a step back and not be as intense physically.  He said he wasn't ready to "dive into" something at this point.  I asked him if he saw that potential with us, though, and he said yes and said a couple other nice things about having a family.  I wish you guys could be a fly on the wall when we are dancing or just hanging out together because to me it shows a lot of chemistry and that we like each other.  But maybe he is scared and that outweighs all that. 

So, yeah, I'm sad and hurt and confused, even though I have guesses as to what's going on.  I know two days isn't theoretically all that long to not hear from him, but I also wrote him an email about a dance class, so those two things are just sort of hanging out there and it doesn't feel good.  Thanks for listening, and I'm open to feedback. 


A Place with Potential

Knocking on wood, but I may have found a place to move with potential!  It is actually in a co-housing development, which I have explored and desired for the last 12 or more years.  I will be meeting with her again on Thursday to introduce her to Zoey, so please send good thoughts and prayers at 11am pst.  It could be a wonderful situation in which to move forward with adoption: two bedrooms, one bath, small but modern-ish, conscious community members including other families with kids, meals together twice a week, a swimming pool (!) and garden.

The woman unfortunately has to have oral surgery in a few months, so she has been staying at the place here and there when she gets her orthodontic procedures - she has to have surgery again to move her jaw forward for sleep apnea that didn't work the first time because apparently the jaw broke in the wrong place. Ack  Also, her son, who has been living there, will be attending UC Davis in the Fall and is spending the summer in Canada with her spouse.

So, basically the first month would be a "trial" housesitting type situation, leaving my stuff in storage, then, if we decide to go forward, we could share the house, but she would be there maybe a week out of the month.  Finally, after she has surgery in a few months, hopefully my income will have risen, either through jobs I'm applying for or through this business beginning to bring in revenue, and I will be adopting a little one and would rent the house on my own.  As we both said, it could be very synergistic.  But I can tell it's a little overwhelming for her at the moment, thinking of leaving next weekend and turning the house over to someone she just met.  So, I'm trying to take it a step at a time and not get my hopes up quite yet... can't help but be excited about the potential though. :)


Taking Care of Business

Noticing I am little down today.  The dating situation took another turn, which I am not yet up to going into, plus who knows it might turn again by tomorrow!  So I'll wait on that story.  I will say one thing, which is that I. am. so. tired. of being the one who wants more communication or intimacy.  Comes with being a woman maybe?  I don't know, but I'm not feeling it.

Today needs to be a productive day.  I have Finals to finish grading, then grades to enter.  Also, I want to follow up with the three women who signed up that they were interested in the career transition group.

My meetup went okay.  I did well presenting the content and the attendees seemed to like it and really enjoy connecting with each other, which was part of the goal.  But the numbers were less than I had hoped and everyone seemed to be having money problems.  This is a concern they teach us to "dance" with in my business program, but I've got two left feet in this arena. ha

It's like a chicken-egg thing - you need to invest to get the support and tools you need to successfully transition and make more money, but you need money to invest in the support and tools.  I definitely don't want to come across as pushy or sales-y, but I need to ask the powerful questions that help people who are ready commit to themselves and their success.  People come up with the money when their commitment outweighs their fear, so that's what the dance is about I guess.

I have a workshop June 6th and might also do another hour-long coffee gathering through the meetup.  Hopefully, those strategies and some continued social media promotion will help fill the group.  I will say here - I'm committed to doing the group!  If I have a few participants, I am going forward.

Now the spring semester is over, I have three weeks off.  I am going to use the time to focus on my business and finding a new home.  I have an open house Monday for a two-bedroom place quite near my college that is just barely in my price range.  It's super tiny!  But I don't care, as long as it's fairly modern, which it looks to be, and has two bedrooms as required to adopt.  Wish me luck!

There is also still the possibility of a house in Albany, two stories, sharing with an interesting lady I met through my community activism/localization groups.  Albany is a sweet place to live and has excellent schools, not that I would need to worry about that for a while.  I have other friends who live there, and it's closer to the college, too, by about 50 percent or more. 

The other big news is that I discovered several fraudulent entries on my credit report!  They were all from late 2012 through 2013, which is shortly after I had my purse stolen.  Let my story be a lesson to you to check your credit reports yearly!  I called the three credit bureaus yesterday and disputed the entries.  Now, they have a month to investigate and hopefully remove them.  There were two credit cards, a department store charge card, a cell phone account, and a cable company.  Also, there was one address on the report that did not belong to me.

I knew that my credit score was low but thought that was because of a couple mistakes I made a while back.  Turns out, my score should be significantly higher, which is the good news.  During the investigation period, my credit report will show that these items are disputed, so I plan to be up front with potential landlords and point these out.  I hope they will believe me.  I will have good landlord references and proof of income on the positive side, as well.


As the Dating World Turns

OMG, dating can be such a soap opera, or is it just me?  So, we went out again last night and, after having SO much fun dancing again, we went out for drinks/dinner and had more good conversation. 

I was able to talk to him about my feelings without blaming him.  I basically said that, though we hadn't been dating long and were still getting to know each other, we also had shared some intimate moments and that, while the current situation of texting during the week seemed to be working for him, it wasn't really working for me.  That I felt some anxiety that not everyone would feel, but it would be really helpful to have a couple phone calls during the week or a longer email to connect with each other. 

He was open and amenable and heard me and also explained how the last couple weeks are not typical in that this campaign he has been working on has huge repercussions for labor rights and that the other candidate is funded with big money from the Koch brothers (if you are familiar with these scoundrels).  Also, I did not know he is actually the President of the rapid transit union.  Lastly, he said he, in fact, texted a couple of times wanting to spontaneously meet up but I had my adoption class - this is typical guy thing of not letting me know what he was thinking, but I was glad to find out! 

Thus, we came to understand each others' perspectives, and I feel confident we will be moving forward into more commitment and time together.  We continue to have very good and growing chemistry, which feels exciting and fun - and a relief to not be talking myself into a less-than-adequate level of attraction.

As a side note, I have my first meetup group Wednesday for women in career transition.  Please send good thoughts!  I am nervous!  I hope to present some helpful information and activities and sign a few women up for my 8-week paid group.


I don't think he's that into me

I'm going a little crazy over here.  I've never been very good at game playing or, more accurately, "playing it cool."  When C and I went out the other night (and the couple of other nights as well) it seemed like he liked me.  He was affectionate and initiated kissing.  We had all that fairly deep conversation at the bar.  But then we separate and I get very very little positive reassurance.  We texted a little last night at my initiation.  Then tonight he texts at like 9:30 and says this week will be long days for him.  Fine, thanks for letting me know.  I ask if it's because of this campaign he's working on and he said yes, that and other things like a meeting tomorrow, etc., and he asked how I was doing.  I said okay, but a little sad and I had just gotten back from my adoption class.  He asked about the sadness - whether it was a mix of thoughts and feelings, so (and this may be the part where I didn't "play the game" right) I said it might be hormonal ha, and because of the ongoing transition, and because of the feeling of intimacy between us and then separation.  I was being real.  That's the truth... I kind of miss him and think of him and when you are close with someone as far as making out, I don't think it's strange to feel some connection/attachment.  But apparently I'm not supposed to admit that or something.  I don't know because his next text *completely* ignored that part of what I had said.  He basically said sorry, and he hopes I feel better or some stupid-a$$ thing like that.  Clearly, I'm a little vulnerable and sad feeling and it's converting to anger.  Anyway, fine, so he's not that into me - maybe a little into me but seemingly not a lot.  So what do I do?  Just try and forget about him?  Ugh.  Stupid dating.


Good Stuff, Bad Stuff

I'll start with the good... I had another fun date with C last night.  I actually was a little wound up and frustrated with him for not communicating with me the day before.  Which really wasn't fair because we had communication, mainly texting, every day this week except for that day, and he apologized the next morning saying he had started a message to me but got distracted by friends dropping by. 

Part of my reaction was because I had messaged him and tried calling so I felt vulnerable, and also, because we had been communicating every day, I expected a response.  Plus, when we went out a couple times a few months ago, he had just dropped off the radar sometimes and I think not hearing from him triggered that memory.  So yeah, I was kind of irritable on the phone.  But when we got together before our dancing date, it was nice to see him, and we worked out our tension pretty quickly.  He is so. fun. to. dance. with.  He's playful and has good natural ability and cute and expressive moves, he goes along with what I initiate, and we just have a really fun time. 

After we got all hot and sweaty dancing, we headed out to get a drink at this interesting place he knew about not far away.  I guess it started as an art gallery and had all these funky costume type pieces and sculptures, animal heads on the wall (fake I hoped!) and somewhat odd paintings.  They are known for the fresh fruit and juices they put in their drinks so we had Greyhounds with delicious grapefruit juice and big slices of grapefruit on the side.  We had a lot of good conversation about everything, including what's going on in our lives now, as well as our pasts. 

Also, we somehow ended up talking about fertility and how there is a slight chance I could become pregnant with IVF but there are other options like donor egg.  He actually tried to help a lesbian friend become pregnant but it didn't work, so he's pretty open-minded.  I'm definitely continuing my adoption path, which I've shared about with him, but it strange how natural it felt to just chat for a while about all that stuff last night.  I also told him about my 12-step stuff in Seattle related to relationships, and we talked about what makes a good relationship and how to keep it healthy, including using ideas from Gottman, a famous relationship expert.  After all that, he drove me back to my car and dropped me off before first making out with me again.  ha  Pretty full night!

Okay, on to the bad news... well, I guess it's good and bad.  Good because I discovered it and it may be able to be repaired.  Bad because it happened in the first place and has dramatically affected my credit report.  Basically, several accounts were fraudulently opened in my name, including a C@pital One card, a department store card, a cell phone account, and another credit card.  Then these accounts were basically defaulted on.  So, of course this freaked me out this morning! 

I have another appointment with the credit counseling agency next Thursday, and she will advise me how to best file disputes with the credit reporting companies.  Then, they have to respond within 10 days and I'm not sure where things go from there.  If any of you have had this happen or know friends who have, I would love to hear your story.  This issue is a big one for me right now, as I will be trying to rent a home in the near future and landlords usually run credit reports.  So, hopefully I can make progress on resolving this asap!

That's it for now... just continuing to take it a day at a time!


Pushing Through

I wish I could say I was "flowing gently through," but I feel I am pushing through this transition and staying afloat as best I can.  Which includes taking mild anti-anxiety medication for the first time in my life to get through this transition.  When I saw my doctor a couple weeks ago, I said truthfully that it felt like if one more thing happened or landed on my plate, I would topple over.  I'm not meaning to whine or act like a victim - I know that many people have gone through times of loss and change equal to and way bigger than the one I'm in, but my threshold of stress management was and has been reached.  I'm not depressed, just a lot of emotion and stress flooding my life and my body.

The main events of course are being told I had to move, then my mom passing away, then being told the move date would not be adjusted due to time lost grieving and traveling to Oregon, then the actual packing and moving into my friend's house.  Which has been a great and much-appreciated place to land but it's clear that her house is a bit over-capacity with me and Zoey and her nephew and herself all living here...I always thought she was an extrovert - and that's what she tested on the MBTI - but living with her, I now feel like she might be on the line or somewhat of an introvert.  Maybe losing her husband a year ago has taken a lot out of her so that she needs more time alone, which is understandable.

In any case, I talked with her about timing and it's clear I need to move within a month, maybe a month and a half.  And I was so clear and feeling so positive about finding a place that would allow me to adopt in the next few months to a year, but one of my avenues towards that just fell apart.  Basically, the guy I had been talking to, who had a psychology background and had expressed openness and even interest in living with a little one, admitted last night on the phone that he probably wasn't ready to partner on a lease for a house with me.  He recently moved back from Canada and is rebuilding, and renting a room is more his speed at this point.  Great, guy, glad you got clear, but now I'm sort of back at square one.  I had been finding a few 3-bedroom places that were in our rent range, but there are ZERO two-bedroom places in my rent range.

There is still this one option in Albany, living with a woman I met through my Transition Town work... the people currently in the house are suddenly packing up and moving to Europe but are not sure exactly when... maybe next month, but then often the landlord takes a month to turn the place over. :( It's out of my control.  I know if there were a specific move date in late June or possibly even July 1, I could hold out that long at my friend's house but not any longer.  The other avenue is continuing to look for a two-bedroom "suite" within a shared house, which I will go back to doing.  And re-post what I'm looking for on a couple of housing boards.  Late last night, I also found myself looking at jobs at the University of Oregon and the community college in Eugene.  Maybe feeling so "out there" and untethered makes me want to run home.

Well, enough venting and kvetching... I want to share a couple positive things that are also happening:

  • My Career Transition Success Group is moving forward and will be posted on meetup on Friday.  I'm charging $247 for eight two-hour guided support sessions.  I hope to get at least 6-8 women signed up at our free workshop May 20th.  Please send good thoughts!
  • Adoption classes are great!  On the one hand, one might think these would add to my load, but actually they are buoying me up and energizing me, because I'm moving toward a deeply-desired goal.
  • I went on a third date with C, the guy I went dancing with a while back and was attracted to but then chose to focus on the other guy, S, who I ended up dating for a couple months.  Anyway, it was his birthday Saturday night, and we went to dinner and drinks and talked a lot and ended up making out in my car.  ha!  How old am I?  Anyway, it was fun.  He texted the next day, and I imagine I'll see him next weekend.  I wish he were a little more expressive - he can be hard to read - but he holds space well for sharing and for me expressing my feelings, which feels good.  And he's cute. :) He has long-ish (medium long) hair, which is unusual for me but it's nice hair - kind of blondish, thick, and wavy - and he mostly wears it pulled back, so I like it.  Now the facial hair could go or at least use some shaping/trimming but that's a minor thing that could likely be influenced later.  lol  He's very progressive and a labor leader for the local transportation system.  I have always said I need an intellectual lumberjack type, and he seems to fit that bill pretty well.  But it's early, so we will see.

That's it for now.  Today, I'm going to grade papers (two more weeks of the semester - yay), read books to prepare for my career workshop/class, and focus on finding housing.  And try to keep pushing through...