Happy New Year!

Thank you sooo much to those of you that commented when I was feeling sad and vulnerable. I really appreciate it, and it very much helped!

I rarely have much time to post now because of Little Miss, but I wanted to share a few memorable happenings from the holidays:

RC's oldest son from Texas came to visit with his wife and four (!) kids, ages 4-years up to 12-years AND, at the last minute, his youngest son came down from Portland and stayed two nights on our floor. The family stayed in an airbnb but hung out at our quite small townhouse for a good portion of the time. That was interesting, especially considering the 4-year-old is very energetic! But we loved seeing his sons and grandkids (my grandkids, too? eek!) meet and interact with Ellie. I am so happy these relatives are in her/our lives. I feel she is a little more secure in life with more folks who love her. :)

We went to my Dad's and fiance's house for Christmas eve and had a delicious prime rib and crab dinner. I breastfed her at the table again and am getting comfortable with doing that whenever needed - with family, at restaurants, in the car. lol

Christmas morning, after an impromptu visit from RC's family (we had plans to spend time with them in the afternoon), we went to my sister's house. I was so proud of Ellie and how she was able to hang out in her car seat for a good amount of time. I fed her once (my family takes a long time to open gifts!) and was still able to participate and watch my nieces and nephew and the rest of the family open their gifts, which I'd been a little worried about. It was a great morning, and my family liked their gifts and gave some special gifts to Ellie, too, which was fun. Christmas afternoon and evening we spent with RC's family and made a delicious standing rib roast for dinner.

I will say it was challenging to be in the role of both hosting out-of-town guests and participating in local family gatherings. It would have been great to combine both, but we couldn’t host that huge group here, and it would have been a big stretch for my sister to do it, also. In any case, she didn’t offer, and I didn’t think I should ask. I did feel it out indirectly, and it was clear that would be a no go. So we tried to both spend as much time with his family as possible AND participate in local family activities, which was hectic at times. We did it though, and overall, Ellianna’s first Christmas was wonderful.

New Year’s was nothing special in and of itself, but we are doing some reflecting and goal setting that I think will be meaningful. I, and I think RC, are doing the 101 goals in 1001 days that Risa posted about recently on her blog. One goal is to find a fairly close part time job in Eugene, hopefully within the next few months. On reflection, working from home with the baby is just totally unrealistic for me, unless we were able to afford in-home care. In the meanwhile, and likely concurrently, I will continue to attend my business networking group and be open to new career counseling clients.

On New Year's Eve, we reflected back to when we became engaged last year. Then, we spent New Year's Day at a beautiful light house and beach location on the Oregon coast and have some wonderful memories. I can’t believe so much has happened in a year!

Lastly, I’ll share that embryo donation has been at the forefront of my mind lately. I have struggled with wanting to try again with our remaining embryos, but we don’t feel it’s  realistic for us right now, unless something changed. So, we are now considering embryo donation, as well. It’s interesting to look at profiles now from a totally different angle, after looking at various profiles from an infertility lens.

 I’ll leave you with a couple pictures of Ellie and family taken over the holidays. Happy New Year!

Mysterious Melancholy

Does anyone else feel kind of out of it right now? I don't know if it's the change in the season and drop in temperature, or maybe it's that I've gone into more of a waiting versus action mode around the adoption process? I don't feel depressed, but I'm acting kind of depressed, as far as feeling lethargic and unmotivated. When I think of heading into holiday season with Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, I feel excited, but that's not translating into energy and activity.

Yesterday was super hectic, beginning with a monthly school community day, which included dialogue about an emotional issue that's been up for the students, then lunch with my teammates, then us all visiting another charter school site to get ideas, and ending with me meeting with a new client for the first time.

The new client, even after signing an agreement, decided she had reservations committing to a four-month counseling package. So I had to do my least favorite thing, at the end of a long day: have a sales conversation, communicating the value of my work. Blech. It reminded me why it's really important to invest in the initial phone consultation, so that the connection is firmly established and all questions are answered. She ended up switching to a shorter package to start with, but we went on to have a really good session and a positive ending at least.

In an effort to cheer myself up, I'm going to make a short list of what I hope transpires before the end of this year:

• I am placed with a healthy infant before Thanksgiving and we start our journey together as a family. 

• The other local client I consulted with last week pays his invoice and schedules his first appointment this weekend, and I begin working with two more new clients in the next month. 

• I find the energy and initiative to get my house in order and get my self in order, as well!  I need to color and cut my hair, do my nails, and get another professional outfit or two for fall. 

I have a training called Nurtured Heart with my adoption agency next Friday, so I am looking forward to that. It occurs to me maybe I'm subconsciously feeling some grief about leaving the nonprofit and my friends there.  I do miss them and the laughter and conversation we shared.

 How are you feeling at this turn of the season?

Turning the Corner

I finished my final day at the nonprofit yesterday. I felt sad when I worked on Tuesday and even the week prior, but yesterday, I felt a relief to be done and to not make that commute anymore. My supervisor was really sweet and gave me a beautiful orchid plant with bamboo. I'm looking at it now, and it's very peaceful. I also received a card from her and the director and a yummy pastry. Next Wednesday is the official staff send off at a local restaurant/bar, which has a lovely outdoor patio.

I will now have Tuesdays off, and since my scheduled college class did not go forward unfortunately (seems the concurrent enrollment process was not planned well), I plan to use Tuesdays to work on my business and sign a couple of clients in this area. Towards that end, I also scheduled a career transition meetup group for next month at a local restaurant. Fingers crossed I'll connect with a client that way, as well. It feels good to be putting energy into my business again; I've missed it and enjoy getting back to the creativity, planning, and writing skills it requires.

On the adoption front, I haven't heard anything from my placement social worker yet this month but wasn't expecting to until the next week. I feel like I'm in a void right now because, after a year of paperwork, action steps, and getting my home ready, there are no specific tasks I'm supposed to be completing.

I do have a training coming up in October through my agency, so I'm looking forward to that. Can you think of anything further I should be doing to prepare during this time? I'm remembering some video training links in the notebook the social worker gave me… Maybe I'll check a couple of those out. If you know of foster adoption blogs, I would appreciate hearing about them in comments.

I'm seeing all these people taking trips on Facebook. My summer was over a long time ago, even though it feels like we just turned the corner weather-wise. I'm actually in to working and making money right now, and as mentioned, building my business again. My boring weekend consists of doing some cleaning and laundry, and finishing a business newsletter to send out. As the temperatures drop, I do find myself looking forward to the holiday time, starting with Halloween.  Praying for a placement before Christmas.

Continued Preparations as the Storm Rages

Feeling a bit blah today... After I write this post, I'm going to go watch the final available episode of  Pold@rk. Have any of you seen this series on PBS? Really engaging and fun to watch, at least for me.

It's storming out, as the weather forecasters promised. Lots of high winds and torrential rains. Supposedly, there has been a foot or more of rain in some areas. I am fortunate not to live near any large bodies of water, but I'm worried about the drive to work in Marin County tomorrow. We will see how it goes and what the reports say tomorrow morning. Even as I'm typing this, it's calmed down a little outside. In Oregon there has been snow, and my sister-in-law posted a video of my brother skate-sliding down their icy street, so I'm glad to not be up there right now.

In readiness for Tuesday's social worker visit, I ordered and received dozens of Family Book pages from a non-profit (in Oregon actually!) that supplies these. There are different themes and scrapbook-type decorations, as well as extra stickers, and you just arrange and add the pictures. I picked up around 40 prints from the drugstore a couple days ago, including pictures I took on this latest holiday trip, as well as many from family trips to Lake Tahoe, and pictures of me doing activities I enjoy. Several pictures of Zoey or me and Zoey together hiking or playing, etc. My three-ring memory book binder is due to arrive Tuesday, so I may not have it before the social worker comes. Maybe I'll try to assemble some pages anyway, prior to having a book to put them in.

I also ordered a lock box for medications from Best Buy, which should arrive by Monday, and my housemate put a lock on the laundry room door and bought some large storage shelving. I saw that she had an ulterior motive in then asking to put her (large) shoe rack and another storage item in there, but it's well worth it. :) We can lock any "toxic" items like cleaning products, etc., as required. I think I still need to child proof all the cupboards/drawers in the kitchen with dishes and silverware - definitely the drawers with knives! Some of them are still childproofed from my previous housemate for her grandson, but some have been removed.

I can't buy some of the children's room decor I would like yet, like a large rug, fabric to make the ceiling like a circus tent, and some really cool vintage circus posters I found. But my ex, S, has arranged for the large, uncomfortable bed to be picked up Monday morning and my smaller bed to be returned. He asked me to sell the frame, and I think I found a buyer to pick that up Tuesday evening. I will just have it disassembled and stacked against the entry way wall when the social worker comes. This will open up more space in the bedroom for a crib, changing table, dresser, etc.

There is still hope I will get counseling hours at Santa Rosa this semester. The department head said she will know more later this month. Fingers crossed!!! I would love to work one day a week up there, or I think I could coordinate hours to work on one or two of my non-profit job days, as well. That would mean a lot of driving on those days, but I would prefer that if I could keep one or two days for my business (and potentially spending time with a child). In the meanwhile, I heard back that I did not get the full-time Napa job that had the 9-person interview panel, and I still have two or three additional applications for which I'm waiting to hear back.

On the business-building front, I attended a local referral networking meeting that I hope to join in a couple of months. I can visit two more times before then, at which point I will have to pay several hundred dollars to join for a year. This is well worth it, as referrals are the best way to gain new clients. One new client would cover the fee, or I can make this payment when I receive the court case disbursement, which they say will finally go out in March (initially they said January). The people in this group were very nice, and it's held weekly at a Unity Church not too far away. I also have a Meetup scheduled for the 19th and sent out a recent message offering free consultations.

I met a guy online who seems interesting, but I'll know more if we ever meet up. lol  So far, we have had a couple of good phone conversation and are scheduled to talk this evening. More on that later...

The Four Questions

I'm developing and expanding my career counseling activities and tools in the realm of the "inner game" of career transition. "Inner game" meaning working through the fears, self-doubt, and self-sabotage that can come up when you are expanding and pursuing new goals in your career.

Eventually, I envision offering this and other content through group events and online programs, as well as individual counseling. I thought I'd share one tool that clients have said they appreciate lately. It's a tool from Byron Katie called, The Four Questions.

Here are the questions I share with clients, along with other "inner game" tools. I recommend The Four Questions when you're wrestling with persistent, negative self-talk. Let me know what you think!
 

The Four Questions

We all have self-judgments or self-doubts that come up in the career change process...i.e. “I'm too old,” “I'm not talented enough,” “I'm not qualified or experienced enough,” etc. Reduce the power of these thoughts by reality checking them with Byron Katie's, "Four Questions":

1. Is it true?
2. Do I absolutely know it's true?
3. How do I react and what happens when I believe that thought?
4. What would I be without that thought?

Dreaming of a Personal Assistant

I'm less than inspired tonight on my own, so I'm referencing the NaBloPoMo prompt from November 12th last year... "If you had a personal assistant who would do your most dreaded tasks, which items from your to-do list would you assign out?"

Just thinking about this makes me sooo happy. I have dreamed of a personal assistant for many years now. I am not detail-oriented, and tracking all of the marketing and billing tasks, keeping multiple administrative balls in the air at all times, is definitely not my jam. Here are some items I would jump for joy to delegate to an assistant:

• Once I choose the theme for my newsletter, sorting through my google alerts for relevant articles and sending them to me as a group.
• Tracking when social media posts, newsletters, event announcements and reminders should go out and working with me to assure content is ready.
• Billing clients and following up, as needed.
• Reminding clients of appointments and tracking when counseling packages are close to being completed, prompting me to talk with them about finishing our work together or signing for another package.
• Ideally, they would have some financial reporting experience, so that they could help me analyze my financial and client data and make more sound business decisions, as well as plan activities and sales efforts effectively.
• Making client calls, as needed, to follow-up with a special offer or event invitation, and book consultations and appointments, etc.
• Assist with event planning: book the space, contact and pay any vendors or speakers, help with staffing and materials, and assist at the actual event.

That was so fun! I know that having a personal assistant would help my business grow, and I work better with catalysts and deadlines and partnership accountability. Some day in the not too distant future, fingers crossed!

Creative Catalyst

The prompt for today is about whether you commemorate or celebrate a divorce or significant breakup. I don't do that sooo, I'll share that I led a mini-workshop this evening about conquering fears and doubts and creating your dream career. Extremely small, like one person, lol.  I had three but one had a friend pass away and another got stuck at work. 

I'm glad I went through with it, though, because it catalyzed me to synthesize and better articulate some of the guidance and activities I've been sharing with clients over the last year. I have three or four solid tools or processes I recommend for when people get emotionally triggered, when they get stuck in cycles of judgment and negative self-talk, and when they are in conflict with part of themselves or with others. I've learned and collected these tools over many years of my own self and career development and then work with clients. 

I'm excited because I can see this content expanding and solidifying into substantial curriculum for a group program. So, even though I did not gain clients from this workshop, it was super valuable in other ways. 

I'm also happy heading into tomorrow because it's a holiday and I'm going to do some business catch-up and apply for an interesting part-time job close to home, but mostly putter around, walk the dog, read my book, and take it easy. 

I will settle in right here, thanks

I'm continuing to find myself in that place where I'm enjoying my work overall, both at the non-profit and in my business, but the finances are not measuring up. I am usually very resilient after applying for jobs and not getting them, especially when I land an interview, which is a positive affirmation. But I guess I've had just one too many of these experiences in the last two or three months, and I'm feeling vulnerable and reticent to continue applying for these kinds of positions (college counseling). I'd like to just rest for a bit, settle in, and work hard at the two jobs I do have - in my business, especially. Alas, my monthly expenses are currently exceeding my income by an unsustainable level.

I was thinking about what might make this situation work. If I were able to raise my average monthly business income by $500, which would involve maintaining a client load of 12 and bringing on 2-3 new clients each month, this would go a long way. I think my current outreach through meetup and periodic workshops, plus joining a local networking/referral group again (that is already off the ground, this time!) would support this model. I did learn the hard way, as I shared on this blog, that finding clients with whom I work well and am aligned in terms of style and values is crucial. The last thing I want to spend energy on is arguing about business policies or protecting myself from verbal berating.

Also, I think a key aspect of a sustainable business plan is extending the shortest time I will work with people (two months is never enough time, unless the person just wants support applying for jobs, and that's not really my target niche) and, in the new year, prioritizing creating videos and other content offerings of value to add another income stream and/or increase the value of my counseling packages.

Sorry for this dry post, but it's really helpful to write these thoughts out. I'd appreciate any feedback from business-savvy folks or if anyone has ideas. Feel free to take a look at my website... Oh, and happy voting tomorrow, those in the U.S.! Praying hard over here (and studying my voter guide and online resources - though I'm well decided on my Hillary vote).

Not enough time in the day

Today was so super full, I'm barely getting in this day's post before I shut my eyes… Went to the farmer's market this morning with my housemate, met a friend for a beautiful walk by the bay, had a new client consult, wrote two current clients email summaries of their last sessions. Responded to a bunch of other emails… Blah blah blah. 

Oh, and I also ordered a book that was recommended in my foster adoption training and an awesome new pillow, both using my Amazon gift card from the nonprofit staff appreciation retreat. It's so fun to spend free money. 😊

NaBloPoMo 2016: How do I make a bad day better?

I have a lot going on in my life right now, so I thought it would be good timing to take on the NaBloPoMo challenge. Anyone want to join me? Hop on the band wagon and register by November 5th.

I'm thinking some days I will use the writing prompts and other days not... today's is: "When you're having a bad day with your mental health, what do you do to help yourself?"

Today is actually a great example... I'm a Career Counselor, and one of my new clients flipped out on me this afternoon on the phone and really shook me up. I was already feeling anxious and concerned about this client because they had been very closed up and critical in their first session, not giving me much to work with. Then they wrote an email saying they wanted to cancel their session this week and wanted flexibility in scheduling the timing of their sessions going forward.

This isn't my policy and doesn't work for me. I don't think I'm unreasonable. Sessions are scheduled twice a month, and I give an extra month cushion to complete them. I find this beneficial for the client in terms of commitment, continuity, and momentum, and for myself in terms of more predictable business planning and because I offer email coaching, resources, and document review between sessions - a lot of extra time if they just wanted to meet every few weeks. Maybe, to be more clear, I should sell two, three, or four-month counseling packages, versus four, six, and eight-session packages? I have colleagues that do this and am considering it, especially after this experience.

In any case, in explaining these reasons for not just having complete openness and flexibility in when we meet, when I mentioned my own needs being a factor, as well, they flipped into rage on a dime and yelled, "Oh, come ON! That is reDICulous!" I asked them to speak in a calm voice and they kept yelling angrily. Long story short, we got off the phone after I agreed with them that we are likely not a good fit to work together (I do not want to work with them after this experience) and with me offering to trade the last session they were owed for resume review/editing for which we do not have to speak, and asking them to let me know in the next couple of days.

When I got off the phone, my heart was racing, and I felt afraid and kind of sick. It was so out of blue, and I have never experienced this type of intense reaction from a client (at least an adult client). I felt I needed some emotional support, so I went through the options in my head... my siblings were at work and likely not available, my housemate wasn't home, I could have called a couple of friends but hadn't talked to them in a little while so calling for support would feel a bit abrupt. Then, I thought of sharing my feelings and experience with my online FB group, made up of other women bloggers I've known for quite a few years. We were all ttc'ing together and they all have kids now. I hope to join them soon.

My experience of the group is that people are quite responsive. Many of us don't work typical 9-5 schedules and usually at least a few folks are online. Sure enough, within a few minutes, I received a few sympathetic and understanding responses, which felt great, as well as advice. Everyone felt I should just refund them the money for the last session and be done with them. I guess they are probably right, though it doesn't fit my policy and I don't think they "deserve" it. But maybe it's best to cut my losses and move on.

So, that's the way I handled my "bad day with my mental health" today; with help from online friends. On other days, I admit I might lose myself in television or eat some comfort food, but today I had to go meet with another client not long afterwards. Other days, I go work out or play with the dog. Blogging is also actually one of my primary ways of working through difficult emotions and challenges. It's helpful to talk it through, be witnessed, and to hear others' thoughts. I like reading these kind of personal writing/processing blogs, as well. Maybe it's the psychologist in me... and I've always been a more emotional person. I'm an INFP on the Myers-Briggs, if you're familiar with it? NFs tend to be more relationship and feeling-oriented.

Thanks for coming along with me this month! See you tomorrow...

Super Chill

I'm purposely, consciously have a super chill weekend after an extremely stressful week that culminated in my crying yesterday at work when my boss didn't give me the extra hours I'd expected (I cried on my own after she'd left). The first part of the week was stressful preparing for my interview on Thursday, as well as going in to work early and rushing to get to my last adoption training on Wednesday evening - only to have it be like 45 minutes long (they said it would be 2 hours).

So, about the interview... I thought it went really well. I felt a great connection with the interview panel, my teaching demonstration went well, and I felt overall I answered the interview questions thoroughly and they seemed "with" me throughout. I did wish I'd thought more about the student learning objectives and how my teaching presentation related to those. I also wonder if they saw my career counseling business as a positive or a negative... I think I presented it as a positive, giving me more skills and workforce experience to share with students, and saying I'd likely continue working just a few hours a week with clients. But who knows what they thought. In any case, drumrollllll, I did not get the position. Yep, they emailed me back yesterday the same stupid, generic email saying they appreciated me and wished me well and apply again, etc. Blech. I put so. much. work. into preparing and I don't think I could have done much better. So what does that say? Am I just not competitive in this market? Is God telling me something? or are these things just usually rigged, with the winners decided before the games even begin...

I've reflected some on this, and there are two thoughts that emerged:

1. I always ask my clients what level of interest they have for a particular career, on a scale of 1 to 10, and I make the case that their interest level should be at an 8 or above to sustain a career in the long run and not burn out or lose interest over time. When I asked myself what was my level of interest for this full-time counseling gig involving teaching college classes again, my interest level was a 6.5 to 7. I don't want to work full-time at any job really, as it means basically letting go of my business in large part, at least for now. Also, teaching college success classes is not consistently awesome. Some of the topics are fun and interesting and others are real snoozers, like how to take notes, and think critically, etc. And community college students are not my fave demographic. My favorite college class had a good amount of adult learners returning to school who were super engaged and mature in their communication - and they brought lots of interesting life experience.
2. Maybe I am being guided to step up to my business and take it to the next level. I've come this far. I have had 7-10 clients consistently since early this year. I keep getting consultations and I keep getting new clients, albeit somewhat in fits and starts. I feel like I've learned so much in the last year and really developed professionally in terms of how I communicate with clients and how I present my tools and resources - I've created several new tools, actually, based on my learning. I have done some brainstorming and writing about how my career counseling (for the Introvert/Professional niche stuck in jobs that don't fit them) might be packaged into Group Program content for delivery in a live event and/or by video. I'd love to take the plunge and sign up for the next programs in the high-level marketing program I did last year, called Speaking and Leverage, which are all about delivering Group Programs. Also, I know I could raise my income if I had an assistant (virtual assistant likely) to help me focus and track payments, posts on social media, newsletters, event marketing, etc. In a way, I was looking at this job I interviewed for as my savior, hoping it would rescue me, but maybe I need to be on the hot seat and stay in the game to get over the hump and make my business sustainable.

And maybe I just don't have what it takes to be competitive when applying for full-time college counseling jobs in the super competitive Bay Area market. I still would love to have a part-time counseling position not too far from home. That opportunity I would give an 8 out of 10. My career counseling business by the way is an 8.5 to 9. It does depend in part on the client - some clients I love and some are challenging, but I don't know if I'd take away all the challenges right now because it is helping me grow. Anyway, that's all I have on that topic right now...

I'll end on a high note: I finished my adoption training last week! It was rainy on Monday, which caused our outdoor trivia night to be cancelled, so I decided to go. Monday's training was on diversity and culture in adoption, basically the responsibility you take on if you adopt a child of a different ethnicity and/or culture. They showed a film with some adoptees talking as teens/20's, then talking again 10 years laters. It was good information; not a lot of new stuff but "getting it" at a deeper level. Identity is such a huge and important factor. My deepest and most moving learning was something one of the adoptees said about their parents and family and how it wasn't like they were helping her to deal with racism, but that they were a "multi-cultural family" going through life together with all that that means. Something like that. Very powerful. I still, for a variety of reasons, am thinking I would like to adopt a Caucasion, Caucasion/Asian, or Caucasion/Latino child, but the latter two would definitely require me to step up and be fully "with" them as they go through life as a person of color. The third training was a total dud, as mentioned above, basically legalese about accessing services as a foster parent. The material was not made accessible to us as trainees! lol

Now, I'm waiting to hear from them about setting up the first long interview leading into creating a profile and completing the home study. I would have felt more confident about the income piece if I landed the full-time counseling job, but we will see what they say. I'll take it a step at a time. My boss at the non-profit did say we are working towards increasing my hours but she wants to have a better sense of how many hours I need to complete my duties, especially since we've changed the intake process somewhat and they have added follow-up calls to my duties. Some exciting news: starting in November, I get to work some hours from home! We have two holidays in November, so those days can be from home (since I'm not paid for holidays) and I think she said the other two Fridays, as well, but I have to double check. Only driving that long commute two days a week will make a big difference!

That's all for now! Heading back into my super chill weekend. Plans to do some business work off and on, maybe work out later, but other than that, watch movies, take walks, surf the web, do laundry, etc. Snuggle up at home. Hope you have a good, relaxing weekend, too, especially if that's what you need.

Clear Sign!

I asked, and I received! Two new clients said "yes" to working with me yesterday. My part-time job did not officially give me more weekly hours, but they added a project to my job description and said they would pay for the hours I spend on this project, so that will be a little additional revenue, as well.

Considering these developments, I feel I am receiving affirmation to move forward right now on the adoption front. Yay! I filled out the initial paperwork and just need to have my housemate witness a signature, then I can send it all in, along with a check for a Livesc@n background check. Then I get the background check and schedule the more in-depth caseworker interview.

Part of the paperwork was indicating what I was open to in terms of a placement. I've already talked about the age situation, so I checked "under 3." There were two areas that I feel a little uncertain about, however... I wonder if I should be more open about ethnicity and also special needs.

Regarding ethnicity, it's interesting how unexpected thoughts and feelings come up. As I was filling out the form, I thought for the first time about sharing *some* heritage with my child. Since we are not sharing biology - added to the fact that I am really into ancestry and have spent time researching, reflecting, and envisioning trips based on my ancestry - I had a thought that it would be really wonderful to share some ancestry. I am a total *mutt* with Welsh, English, German, Dutch, Swedish, Irish, and French ancestry, so that wouldn't be too hard, but would include some European heritage. So I checked Caucasion and "Other" meaning mixed race, but I wonder if that's too limiting. I have also thought about the child and their feelings in terms of seeing themselves reflected in our family. I think I would work hard to make sure they have knowledge of and a connection with their heritage, but is that enough?

Regarding special needs, as a single mom and knowing myself, I don't think I am able to handle a serious disability. Considering my mental health background, I think I have tools and knowledge to love and support a kid who (sadly) has some abuse and neglect in their history.

The one I feel a little uncertain about is alcohol and drugs. I know many of the kids (most?) in the foster care system have parents who abused or were addicted to alcohol or drugs. My fear is that they might have the pain and challenges in their life that my cousin, who was adopted, has had. His mother drank throughout her pregnancies, and he has suffered the consequences. His lack of ability to regulate behavior and see the effects of his actions has led him to have three kids with three different mothers, struggle with addiction himself, and end up incarcerated. So you can see why I might be a bit fearful.

I think that the caseworkers will help me explore these concerns and come to a decision I feel good about. At least I hope so. Today, I am feeling excitement and momentum on this path, and I am grateful!

Lastly, as much for my own clarity as my desire to share it with you (i.e. feel free to skip :), I want to lay out what unknowns are still out there that may have an impact on my journey to become a mom:

1. Job applications still out there, with recently passed application deadlines. These include Napa Vall. College and Diablo Vall. College, the latter being my top choice due to a 10 minute commute. Please send good thoughts that I will get an interview and be hired, even if the job doesn't start until the end of the year. I'm secretly hoping that one of these - though advertised as full-time - might somehow convert to part-time. But I'm torn because the security would also be good and college jobs usually only require 32-35 hours per week, which I could fit into four days. Oh, I did hear back a "No" from Oregon, which was not a surprise. Most. awkward. interview. ever.
2. Small Windfall. I haven't mentioned this but based on my time working in Seattle many years ago, I signed on to a lawsuit that was already won, based on employers not providing benefits they should have. The letter said I would receive *at least* close to 2K, which would help financially as these pieces fall into place. The deadline to submit a claim is just passing, so I hope to hear something soon.
3. Getting a better-paying job would be the green light to move forward on CA Conceptions, which is still my first choice, though I'm feeling excited about adoption. I could apply for credit right now, but after my conversation with my bank, I'm not at all confident I would get even close to what I need. Salary plays a huge role, and my consistent self-employment salary has not been documented long enough to show on a tax form, which is what the bank uses for self-employment.

Okay, I think that's enough reflection and analysis for today! I would love to hear your thoughts... I'm going to do some business work, then later hopefully watch Oregon play the Huskies. Hope you're enjoying your weekend!

Pursuits in Parallel

First, a few brief work updates... Still no word from Oregon! I emailed the HR person and heard back that the committee is "still at the interview stage" and "there hasn't been a job offer yet." I imagine they have moved forward with a second interview round but are not closing the door until they get a definite "yes" from one of these candidates. I keep procrastinating finishing the Napa college application for some reason. It's so arduous and repetitive. The deadline is the 20th, so I still have time.

And my potential client decided to go with someone else who specialized in "mid-life career change," which is ironic because all my clients but one younger woman are in a mid-life career change. Apparently, I didn't emphasize that well enough in my consultation. He said he really liked me and ended up speaking with 7 potential career counselors. I suppose I should feel good that I came in second, but there is no reward for second place! :( I do have three consultations in the next week or two from my meetup group. I would love to work with two of them and think we would be a great fit.

My most exciting news is that I finally attended an orientation with the organization in charge of foster care placements and adoptions in my county. As you might remember, I completed a several-week training at the beginning of last year when I lived in Oakland. Once I moved to another county last summer, I began research the process in this area. I attended a social services orientation at the end of last year, found out about this organization, and have been wanting to attend a monthly orientation ever since. The challenges were that there are two alternating locations, only one fairly close to me, the coordinator was disorganized and not a good communicator, and the dates changed at one point, as well.

I finally made it three nights ago. The gals leading it were very young; one was fresh out of college. They pulled the rookie move of not having any food or refreshments for a meeting that was at dinnertime. Boo. The presentation was pretty crappy, as well, and I've been to a few of these. They basically just read the wordy slides, not offering any personal anecdotes or opinions along the way, plus their language was harsh and discouraging. To cut them a bit of slack, the rules and policies have "just" changed in California and everyone is adjusting and learning, including developing new materials and presentations for interested foster/adopt families.

The main policy change is basically that *everyone* is now considered a "concurrent" family, meaning they are not differentiating between families interested in fostering children and families interested in adopting. After the strident, authoritative language in the presentation that seemed to say, "Get with the program; you are not allowed feelings or preferences!" I was a little stunned, and I could tell others in the room were, as well. I broke the ice and said, "Well, I am interested in adopting - I've never been a mom before and I want my own child. I'm willing to take some level of risk and support the process, but where does that leave me?"

The facilitator was fairly positive in her response and said that in that case, the social worker would likely refer kids to me who were farther along in the process. I absolutely am ready to work with the system and put the kid's needs above my own (including doing what I can to maintain relationships with bio-family members, when possible and positive for the child), but at the same time, while I admire so much people that have a heart to foster kids and work closely with the agency and the bio parents towards reunification, I am not in that place and need to be honest about it for the good everyone, including the kids. After my share, a couple other people in the room share something similar, indicating they really hoped to adopt, and it felt good to know I was not alone. I was also excited to hear that this agency has connections with kids statewide, not just in my county.

We filled out interest forms, and the next step is to meet for an individual consultation with the social workers. They already contacted me and we are working to get something on the calendar. I wish that my career/job piece could be in place first, but I will go ahead and meet regardless to get clear on what is required and what I need to be working towards. I am still most excited about CA Conceptions, but I don't think it can hurt to pursue these two paths in parallel, at this time.

Still in limbo but turning a corner...

I heard back yesterday from the memorial trust and it's a big, "NO." :-(  I could not have felt any better about the interview, but I guess either someone else had more experience or there was an insider candidate. Moving on... I plan to finish my Napa college application this weekend. The application has tons of "extra" questions, which is so annoying. Sorry for the kvetching, but I get so tired of answering the same darn questions over and over and over. At least I can cut and paste some of my previous answers, but these guys went the extra mile and doubled the number of questions asked. boo.

I haven't heard back from Oregon, but since they said they were moving forward quickly, I don't think that is a good sign. I just sent an inquiry and imagine I'll hear back by Tuesday, if not sooner. That interview kind of sucked, so I'm not holding my breath. Moving to Oregon right now would be a HUGE deal, obviously, so I feel mixed emotions about not getting this one, one emotion being content with it. Maybe down the road.

I had a client consultation last week and will likely know if they're a new client on Tuesday. Fingers crossed!! He was shopping Career Counselors though, and said he would be talking to two or three other folks, as well. He did say he liked me, and he's an Introvert so my expertise fits him. I am also leading a meetup group on the 6th and hope to get a few more consultations from that. My budget definitely needs an influx of income, so I appreciate any good thoughts.

Still feeling kind of in limbo. Continuing to enjoy my "for now" part-time resource job with the brain injury support organization. I don't enjoy the paperwork part of it, but the people are so friendly and kind and I feel useful. It's quite refreshing following my last college job where I felt I didn't really belong. The long, stressful commute there and back I will not miss when I leave, which I still hope will be sooner rather than later.

I got motivated last night to find one or two local fun and enriching activities, where I could grow and learn, as well as potentially meet interesting people (especially ones I might want to date). I found a Unity church in the city 15-20 minutes from me that offers a lot of classes, which break the ice in getting to know people as an Introvert. I'm thinking about a Monday night spiritual principles class. I also put out a couple of feelers on local dance classes but haven't found the right fit yet. There are regular dances around here, but again, I need the structure of a class to engage and meet people, at least at first. My favorite is swing dance, so I'm hoping to find a good choice in that arena. Internet dating is so limited, and I'm not connecting with people I really resonate with that way. Plus, I'm feeling the urge for some personal growth.

I still hope to find a regular networking group to meet referral partners for my business, since the one I was attending in the Spring crashed and burned when we didn't get enough members to officially launch the group. We will see. I need to up my current income before I could invest in something else, though.

I'm starting to feel the turn into fall, and I'm ready for it. I guess it's bringing energy to expand and explore new things. Beginning to look forward to Halloween - my second favorite holiday - as well.

Impatiently Waiting

Argh, this week is going sooo slowly. I am still waiting to hear back on both interviews, OSU and the Memorial Trust. My outreach calls did not lead to new clients as of yet, and my next Meetup group (which usually results in booking several consultations) is September 6th.

I have two client appointments later this afternoon, so that will be engaging and help the time go by. I "should" apply for an open counseling job in Napa, but it feels like the location is a long way away. I just looked up drive time, and it is only 32 minutes; 7 minutes more than when I worked at my other college. Okay, that is really not so bad, I will apply for this position by the weekend. I believe the Napa position starts shortly after hire - the application deadline is September 20th - but the DVC (college close to me) posting says it starts Spring semester 2017, which is definitely not ideal.

Part of my impatience is wanting to move forward with CA Conceptions. I mentioned the CC FB page, which is so encouraging, but it is also lighting a fire under me hearing all the pregnancy announcements and wanting to be one of them. I am trying to trust God, trust "right timing," but it is hard right now, as I am ready to be taking the next steps. Thinking of having a transfer before my December birthday, though, is still super exciting.

The other source of my impatience is definitely finances. I am scraping by on this much lower non-profit income. I still love the staff and feel good going in to work and helping brain-injured folks connect with programs and resources, but getting my paychecks is super disheartening. Please send good thoughts for me signing new clients who would benefit from my career transition support.

Tick. tock. tick. tock.  Argh!

Figuring stuff out...Please share feedback!

This post is going to be a "figure my shit out" post because I feel a little all over the map career-wise right now. I would appreciate feedback or words of wisdom from your own experience. It seems I'm in that situation where, even though I am excellent at coaching others and helping them make career decisions, I'm struggling to coach myself. Like the painter whose own house paint is cracked and peeling. ha

The context is that my career counseling business is in a "valley" within the journey of peaks and valleys that is self-employment as a counselor/coach, at least until you build enough passive income sources online. My college counseling unemployment ended, and I replaced it for the most part with a part-time, 15 hour a week (3-day), Resource Specialist job with a local brain injury support organization. Unfortunately I spend 2.5 hours per day, 7.5 hours per week commuting, so it ends up being at least 22-24 hours per week. Still okay, though the commute is stressful, but it limits my client and business building time. I still have 10 clients, three fairly new, though several are vacationing right now.

As I may have mentioned before, my clients often pay for a complete career counseling package up front, which is great in that moment! But not so great over the long term when I'm working with them but not receiving regular payments. To rely only on my business through one-on-one counseling work, I would need to bring in at least three or four new clients a month, and regardless, I need to bring in 1-2 new clients a month right now to supplement my other income. It doesn't sound like much, but that translates to doing a certain level of outreach and conducting at least 2-3 free career consultations per week. I haven't been marketing/networking as I should, though I did send out my third information-packed newsletter last week.

I also have drifted in my connection with my business marketing program. I'm officially finished with the weekend intensives that come with the program I signed up for. I want to enroll in the next-level program, but I didn't feel ready to do that a few months ago when my other program ended. I'm scheduled to assist at another introductory summit weekend in September, which will bring in several hundred dollars and another lower-rate opportunity to sign up. I have realized that being part of this program and actively developing myself and my business within a group of other committed, like-minded folks - many of whom were inspiring in that they were several steps ahead of me - really did push me and generate momentum in my business. As I think this through, I believe my next step will be assisting in the program I completed myself, Mastery, in Oct/Nov of this year and/or Feb/March of next and then moving forward with more money socked away towards the payments and hopefully receiving a higher income at that time.

Regarding the higher income piece, which is core to the desire to "figure my shit out," I have been applying for both full and part-time counseling positions with colleges and within other contexts. These positions generally pay more than twice what I make hourly at my current part-time position (my independent career counseling work pays four times as much per hour but as mentioned is difficult for me to predict and manage right now). I have two interviews next week, one as a career counselor with a memorial trust organization working with the region's largest health care system, and the other as an Advisor (career and academic counselor) at a state university in Bend, Oregon. The thing is, I'm not sure I want either of these jobs. As I have mentioned, I have thought that my ideal would be to find a part-time college counseling position close to where I live, which allows me to continue to put a lot of time into my business.

BUT And this is a big BUT, as you know, I am super excited to move forward with the CA Conceptions program and become a mom in the next year. To take the next step and begin receiving donor profiles, I need to take out a loan for the required up-front payment, and I believe I will have a higher chance of receiving this loan if I am making a consistent, higher salary. Not to mention, preparing for and supporting a baby down the road requires a good salary, as well.

Please bear with me as I analyze these two opportunities. It would really help if you share your opinions on these!

Pros and cons of the memorial trust position... Pros: located in Oakland which is where I see many of my clients and where I have friends; pays quite well - a little higher than a full-time college counseling position; seems to allow working remotely or virtual commuting; and uses many of my strengths while allowing me to develop skills I want for my business such as hosting webinars. Cons: full-time; requires some marketing and detail-oriented program management which doesn't fit me as well; limits my client contact to folks working within this health care system, though the system is large and requires many types of positions, not just medical practitioners.

Pros and cons of the Oregon state university position... Pros: located in Oregon, near family and in the same city where my family now has a vacation house and travels regularly (could be a big plus when I have a child); great weather and recreation in Bend; located near friends from my hometown who I recently loved reconnecting with at my reunion, including two living in the same city and one who works at the same university; and I am excited about the opportunity to work at a four-year university and see how that differs from community colleges. Cons: would require me to break my lease and move after having found a great roommate; pays significantly less than university advising/counseling jobs in N. California (10-15K less), though the cost of living is considerably less, too; full-time and would require me to put my business on hold for a while, though I believe I could rebuild it there; I would need to travel for CA Conceptions procedures; and relocating is stressful. One point worth mentioning is that "full-time" usually means 32-35 hours in a college/university setting and you often get part or all of summer off.

It's not as though I have been offered these positions yet, but I would like to go into the interviews with clarity about whether and how much I want the job. Another iron in the fire is having a full-time application in at the college near where I live, which I should hear back on in September. I guess I want to focus more on what I want and need in a job right now, and these parameters feel like they necessarily now include financially supporting my dream to become a mom in the near future. Please share your thoughts and experiences...What would you do career-wise, or how would you be thinking, if you were me?

Good News and Bad News

These last few days have been full of good news and pretty darn bad news. The good news includes the success of my, "Career Exploration for Introverts," workshop on Friday, with seven attendees and four free half-hour career consultations scheduled. I will let you know how many new clients come out of the consults (I recently signed two new clients separately, as well!). I also learned a lot in this first round of offering this workshop, and I plan to continue refining and offering the content in the future. And the participants really connected with one another; so much so that I had to ask them to leave. For Introverts, as you might imagine, this is definitely unusual and a real accomplishment. :)

In other good news, my campaign to become a mother through California Conceptions just passed the $600 mark or 10% of the goal! I know a few folks who intend to make donations and a couple of them are close friends and family. If you would like to contribute, I would really be grateful. I am also offering "perks" of career counseling and/or resume review for various levels of contribution, which you can give to friends if you don't need it. If you write a blog and are willing to support me by posting about the campaign, that would be wonderful and sooo appreciated! If you contact me here or on my campaign page, I will gladly share a pre-written blog post that you could change and edit. Or you can introduce it however you like. I also am glad for all positive wishes!

I had fun and informative conversations with both the California Conceptions program coordinator and one of the doctors, and wanted to share a few interesting tidbits from those conversations:

• They confirmed that they offer a refund if you don't achieve a successful pregnancy after three tries, assuming you meet the requirements of 28% BMI and a clear saline sonogram. I meet the weight requirement but am a little too close to the line for comfort, so plan to eat more carefully and continue exercising. I'll get the sonogram with them probably in a month or so.
• My next steps - in addition to continuing to work on financing - are to get a physical and complete the list of blood tests. I can also move forward on seeing an approved therapist for one appointment to discuss the psychological/emotional aspects of donor embryos.
• The doctor said there is a 65% chance of success each try, using one embryo, and 75% using two embryos. The chance of twins, while in a typical pregnancy is one in a thousand or so, with this process (due to using 5-day blastocysts) is 1 - 1.5% chance. So using two embryos, there is a 3% chance of having triplets. I think I got that right, but any math majors, please feel free to correct me! In any case, there is a much higher rate of multiples, which makes me reconsider my original intention to use two embryos each try. What would you do?

Last bit of good news...had a great "coaching circle" meet up with a few folks from my EOL program yesterday. A guy from the program developed this curriculum, so we are acting as guinea pigs but reaping the benefits of the Theory U material he is using and enjoying having a reunion with one another. We will meet two additional times virtually and possibly once more in person.

Ending with the bad news, which as I think about is actually good and bad news in itself. Good news is I'm alive. Bad news is that when I got my oil changed yesterday, the automotive place did not fasten my wonky hood correctly and it flew up on the freeway, shattering my windshield and blinding me for a few seconds. The policeman and tow truck operator both said I was very lucky, and that most people swerve or slam on the brakes when that happens. For whatever reason, I didn't do that, but instead kept driving praying I was in the lane, slowed down, realized I could peek through a crack where hood connects to the car and work my way over to the next lane and then onto the shoulder, at which point I burst into hysterical tears that lasted a good 10 minutes. It was pretty traumatizing - just the shock of it and knowing the danger. I was fortunate that the glass did not break out of the windshield frame, but instead cracked into thousands of pieces and send little shards of glass onto the seat and onto my clothing; the rear view mirror also flew off. I walked away unhurt. Thank God. I'm having the car towed from my house to a shop tomorrow and it looks like my insurance will cover most of repair, minus deductible, and give me a rent-a-car.

Thanks for hearing all my news. I hope your weekend had as much or more good, and way less bad than mine did!

p.s. I have had a couple positive conversations (all things considered) with S and will share about these in my next post...

Exhausted, sleepy, and hopeful...

I just assisted at an intro. weekend for my business marketing group. We gain benefits in terms of connecting more with staff and others in the program who are assisting, but are also paid several hundred dollars towards our current debt or future programs with them. So, it's well worth it for me, as I now, after working this weekend, owe them less than $1000! I wrote the powers that be an email asking if there was any way I could do their next level "Speaker" program in June/July, which would help my inner confidence continue to grow AND give me tools to speak on stage and make program offers. I hope she says yes, but it's likely she will say no. If it's a no, then I'll assist at the intro. weekend in September and hope to join that program then. The problem is that the Speaker events I want to attend only happen in June/July of each year, so I would have to wait over a year to take them (there are other awesome events with that program, too, called "leverage"). Even if I don't do the Speaker event this summer, I still plan to speak to groups and give workshops to the best of my ability; I just know that my ability would be far greater with this program. We will see what happens.

As is true after all of these weekends, I'm super exhausted today. I slept in big-time and can't believe it's after 4pm already. I haven't even eaten lunch... I did learn a lot and connect with other folks. Watching our program leader "dance with concerns" was definitely inspiring. One of the biggest reasons I joined this program is it wasn't about sleezy sales; it actually has a spiritual foundation and prioritizes people being "aligned" in a yes or no, versus trying to win them over to a yes no matter what. And that is translating to the consultations I am doing with possible clients. I am better able to talk with them about their worries and not collapse into just saying, "Okay, no problem, that's fine for you not to work with me," or "Okay, no problem, I can reduce my rate to a lower amount." Instead, I hold my own value and alignment and support them to make an aligned decision for themselves; one that they don't regret. I don't know if this makes sense as I'm explaining it, but it's a different approach and I feel grateful to be learning and practicing it.

I have eight clients now and several more consultations on my calendar and a workshop coming up at the end of the month. I would still like to pick up part-time college counseling hours again to support me, at least for now. I heard back from a couple full-time applications that I did not get interviews. Still waiting to hear back on three possibilities for part-time work, which would be my ideal.  Fingers crossed.

A last thought about S - he is continuing to do well with his treatment but it's uncomfortable and aggravating, and hard to sustain for so long over these last few months. I'm doing my best to be supportive and hold onto the bigger picture, but sometimes I just want him to be more loving and for us both not be in limbo waiting to feel normal again.

Happy Easter! and family/work updates

I'm not sure if this post will be cohesive, but wanting to share some happenings, so here goes...

It's Easter weekend, and I'm feeling a little sad not to be spending it with a little one. I told S that I wanted to spend this Easter with a child - my nieces and nephew or his grandchild - but it's not working out unfortunately. His daughter and son-in-law did make the move out here. She has a job already, and he has been interviewing and is close to landing one. They sent their one-year-old to her grandma's house in another state during the transition, which I don't think that I could do, but it sounds like she's happy and thriving. The grandma has been a caregiver for her since birth, so that does make it easier. She should be arriving in a week or so - can't wait! - but we're missing Easter with her.

Instead, I'm meeting S to watch the UO bball game (go Ducks!) this afternoon out at a sports bar somewhere, then going to dance tomorrow morning for the first time in over seven months - my knee is doing great with daily use and working out but I'm planning to take it easy - and meeting S afterwards for Easter brunch. Looking forward to our plans, but I'd still rather be with my brother's kids right now dying eggs!

S and I have been doing pretty well. We hit a bump in the road a week or two ago around his jealousy rearing it's head again and my frustrated attempt to set a boundary which then triggered him, but have moved through it in part thanks to the NVC couple's group we've been attending. We still plan to see our counselor to work through it further but are feeling close now. He's in his last round of chemo treatments and doing well so far, but we still have a few months to get through. As a reward for getting through it all, we plan to travel to Ireland in September! His step-son is getting married near Dublin. Woo hoo! It will be my first time traveling there, though I do have some roots in my ancestors, the Dunlavy's.

We have also had further conversations about becoming parents and made headway. We talked about different options, and I think he's coming around to donor embryo or foster adoption, but it's another thing we plan to discuss with our counselor. He's understandably worried about finances and the long-term responsibility piece. He makes a very good salary at this current job and honestly I'm not sure where it all goes and why he can't save more than he does. I know he has some credit card debt, but as I'm writing this I wonder if he's paying alimony to his ex-wife. We have had some money conversations but haven't gotten that far, yet.

My business continues to build slowly in fits and starts. I have a couple more career consultations this week so wish me luck. I'm also still waiting to hear back about two college counselor applications I submitted. My ideal is still to land a part-time counseling gig and continue building my business. There is a chance that I could be re-hired and given hours at my previous college for summer/fall, so I'm keeping an eye on that, as well. My marketing/client attraction program just formally ended with the final intensive last weekend, but I'm assisting at the next event in April and plan to stay connected, hopefully doing their speaker and leverage programs in the near future. I would definitely love to publish an e-book and get some videos or a home study program online! I officially joined my BNI local networking/referral group last week and am super excited about the potential there to get a steady stream of new clients. We are meeting for a second time next week.

Still waiting to see what happens with my housemate/living situation, but she couldn't pay rent on time this month, and I'm wondering if she might be on her way out. Considering that factor plus negative responses from the college district nearest S, it looks like it might be a good thing for S to eventually move in here. More shall be revealed soon, hopefully, on that front. Guess that's all the news for now...Hope you have a very Happy Easter weekend!

Liminal Hopes and Dreams

I'm feeling kind of lost today for some reason... I'm sad to say I had another shocking confrontation with my housemate a couple nights ago. Not as bad as others but still very disturbing to my psyche and peace of mind. Not surprisingly it had to do with sharing what she thinks of as "hers," i.e. the tv which she owns.  *Located in the middle of our living room, the fact of which makes it seems silly to buy another tv but perhaps that's what I should do.

Synopsis: She was gone at a family gathering for a couple hours during the academy awards. I was watching it when she came home and it was literally at the last three or four minutes when they reveal best actor and best movie, which they build up to all night. I asked to have a few minutes longer, which I think most reasonable people would understand and agree to, but she stood there angrily in her robe. The show actually went overtime and cutoff so I left. I came back in for a moment to let her know what the recording time where she had left off watching earlier and she erupted in rage and again called me a "Taker," and also said, "I don't know who you think you are, but you're not that person."

WTF is that psychological abuse? Trying to get in someone's head and make them question who they are? And she's supposedly worked as a therapist. So yucky and disturbing. I pay half of the cable and give her wide berth in watching it when she wants. The fact she's gone two to three nights per week at her daughters has made this situation tolerable to begin with, but she's coming back this afternoon and I feel the oppressive energy of that fact. So. Done. With. Her.

I really do like this house very well, in all aspects but the bathroom which the owner didn't renovate when he did the kitchen. The kitchen is large and nice and new, with tiling and lots of counter space, etc. The location is pretty nice, as well, within walking distance of this small town's downtown and near two nice parks. S and I have talked about him taking it over when she leaves so I'm trying to stick it out. She said she wants to leave and plans on leaving but it's now March when she initially said the beginning of the year.

There are other situations unfolding which play into where we live (we are talking about us living together wherever that may be) - including if and where I land another counseling job. If it's at the college near where I live right now, then the situation mentioned above is the one we would go for. I think we would pay Marilyn off in some way or try and negotiate with the owner. I don't have confidence she would want to help us at all, but I have found that money talks to her. I would even help her find a place, as far as sending her leads. I think she should live in a mother-in-law unit or apartment near her daughter in a city that's about 45 minutes away.

Anyway, that's one scenario. The other ones are either that I get hired up north in S. Rosa full-time or in the E. Bay (near bkly and oklnd) full-time or part-time. The first option would lead us to move up there, the second option we could stay here or move closer in, finding a place with a yard in a walkable pocket neighborhood. Zoey of course is a huge factor. She's worth it but she adds further considerations, mainly that the place is dog-friendly and has a yard, which hugely limit the choices. I do NOT like long commutes, however, so I would work to avoid that, unless BART worked super well for the location.

In the meanwhile, I do feel lucky right now that I have an abundance of time to work on my business. Honestly, sometimes I get stuck and am not sure what I should even be doing, but at those times I just need to go back to making lists and prioritizing... sometimes I wish someone would tell me, "This is the most important thing to work on right now, then this and this." ha I have to be the grown one and direct myself.

My introversion, while a strength in many ways, is holding me back on the networking front. I have every intention of going to a networking event, but then the time comes and I just don't have the energy or motivation. Sounds lame saying it. I am totally and 100% committed to attending a networking group next week, which may or may not lead to a solid referral network, fingers crossed. Looking for other ways to inspire and butt kick my way to attending other events, like committing to going with someone else. Also, finding events close by seems to really help energetically.

This afternoon and evening are quite busy starting with an appointment with the counselor I and we have seen in the past. I want to explore how to let go or give less weight to the idealization and fantasy around my "first true love." I realize that's what I've been subconsciously comparing every relationship since then to...I went back and read blog posts from when I gave it a second try with that person. What a nightmare in so many ways. From feeling bored and distant, to insecure when he was checking out my sister, to abandoned when he headed up to keep drinking when I wanted to call it a night during my brother's wedding weekend, to retraumatized when he made a unilateral decision to abruptly end things as he had more than two decades ago.

The "one thing" that was great was our base physical chemistry. He did not even kiss well and was not a great lover. But I felt physically drawn to him and comfortable with him in that area. I have researched and found out that this is "a thing" to idealize and be hung up on your first true love, and I want to contextualize it and get help with managing it and giving it less weight. Can any of you relate to this dilemma?

After my counseling appointment, I'm heading into the office to meet with a client, then I'm meeting up with S for our Val.entine's dinner romantic makeup dinner. He had the stomach flu that night, so we never ended up going to that awesome restaurant I was talking about. Tonight is our do-over! Should be really fun and connecting; I love these type of dinners with S.

Happy March to you! Hopefully, I'll have some good news to report on the job or business front next time.