Here is a video of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly, to accompany the description in the previous post.  I am trying to find a video or animation of the actual process within the cocoon, but no luck yet.

Last night, I went out to dinner and came to an agreement with sh/cm.  To create mutuality, we will be "dating" until November, and I will actively seek to date/be dating other people.  I fully intend to do this and even updated my online dating profile today.  He, on the other hand, will be keeping the door open with his ex during this time, basically dating her too as I see it, even though she lives in England.

I feel okay about doing this for the limited time of a few months, so that we can continue to get to know each other and see how things develop.

Today we went to a yummy Thai lunch - continuing to appreciate how uncommonly easy it is to be/talk with him - and then to the movie, Bridesmaids.  If you need a good laugh, I highly recommend it.


Spiritual Ruminations

Blogger has been giving me hell yesterday and today, or maybe it's my computer, I'm not sure yet.  In any case, I haven't been able to post or leave comments.  Accessing my blog through another browser seems to have fixed the problem for now.

Yesterday, I reconnected with one of my spiritual teachers, Barbara Marx Hubbard (BMH), and thought I would share a couple of related links for anyone who wants to check them out.  The first one is her Facebook site where you can learn more about her and her ideas, books, courses, etc.  The second one she posted on her wall.  I haven't jumped into it yet, but plan to do so in the near future.

Barbara Marx Hubbard Facebook

Evolutionize Your Life! Michael Dowd & Connie Barlow

One of my favorite concepts from her book Conscious Evolution speaks to the idea of "Imaginal Cells."  Imaginal Cells were originally a biological concept within the process of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly.  As the caterpillar's physical structure breaks down within the cocoon, Imaginal Cells emerge to rebuild the organic matter into the form of a butterfly.

Using this metaphor, BMH talks about our societal structures breaking down at times of evolutionary change and people/orgs emerging in the role of "Imaginal Cells" to recreate something new (more complex/evolved).

When I read this idea in graduate school, I loved the idea of being or being part of an Imaginal Cell.  I resonated with the thought that many current societal structures were not working/breaking down, and that, through consciousness and choice, we could take a more active role in our evolution. 

There is also a "Gateway" study program BMH offers.  I completed the first iteration of this program way back when, on a scholarship.  I'm now feeling drawn to spend some more time with my work in this program, with her and other related teachers' ideas and courses, and hope to share my progress periodically on this blog.

Brief sound healing/chocolate man update:  We have been having some pretty deep email exchanges.  He said he had a "break through" yesterday in one of the NVC workshops of his weekend intensive.  I'm trying to keep expectations low, but needless to say am curious as to if/how this relates to our situation.

In considering whether there were any way I might continue spending time with him and feel emotionally comfortable, I have thought about maybe actively seeking to date other people and dating him, while keeping some clear boundaries.

I think that would only work for me, however, within the framework of him dating his ex and dating me (and possibly others), not if he is committed or "in relationship" with his ex.  I don't see how we can be "just friends" with the chemistry piece there. . .

But then I'm not sure how it would feel knowing about her plans to come stay with him for a couple of months in November.  So this is all fodder for our conversation tonight and/or tomorrow.

I am appreciating his honesty now (after withholding information while on his trip) and find my time and conversations with him are adding a lot to my life.  I just would rather not get hurt, you know?


Percolating Emotions

I'm slipping in my NaBloPoMo commitment!  I at least want to log a drive-by post today.  Lots going on emotionally with the sound healing/chocolate man situation.

We talked things through on the phone for a couple of hours last night, which was really good.  We are getting together for lunch on Monday.

He would like to at least be friends and continue to get to know each other right now, and, to that end, we do have a lot in common and really enjoy talking to one another.

But we also have a lot of chemistry.

He's at a Non-Violent Communication weekend training workshop.  My NVC group met yesterday evening and it was helpful to process some aspects of the situation with them.  I got in touch with some anger and hurt, and needs for mutuality and security.  Continuing to percolate. . .

I think our conversation Monday will, at the very least, be interesting!


Purple Rain

Dramatic scene calls for a dramatic song.

I went out on what I thought was a fun, romantic *second date with sound healing/chocolate man.  We met at his house after my Interplay theatre group, then walked to a local sushi restaurant. . .
*Only second date, though we knew each other briefly before from a grassroots community group and have been talking on the phone, then emailing during his trip.

Where he proceeded to tell me:

First, that he had thought about what I said about wanting a child and that he had already done that and was not interested in doing it again but admired and respected my desire to do so blah blah blah; and

Second, that in the course of his two-week trip to England (during which I was 'wishing I were there' and missing him if you recall, grrr), he had spent time with his ex-wife and they had decided to give it another go.  Apparently, she is coming out here for a couple of months in November.

Yes, it does seem odd now that I think about it that this is not for another six months.

Needless to say, I felt taken off guard, then angry and sad, all of which I expressed.  And to his credit he heard.  We do seem to have great communication.  sigh.

When I asked why he didn't give me a clue this was happening during the trip, and in fact gave signs then and all the way up to dinner that things were moving forward with us, he said that the reality of the situation hadn't hit him emotionally and also he wanted to talk to me about it in person.  Hmm.

I told him I would  have much preferred to know and then discuss it further in person, rather than go along for two weeks thinking everything was fine.  He did say he was sorry.

Then oddly we proceeded to have a generally enjoyable night, continuing to talk about things and also express our feelings for each other, which seem mutually bigger than they should be considering the short time we've spent together.

I should mention that in the course of the conversation I suggested the kid thing might be an excuse or way to feel better about the other thing (he said he really wanted a family in his 40's then felt he was too old now he's 50), and he said he did think we likely could have come to an agreement on that.

And we laughed a lot throughout the evening.  I really like his sense of humor.  sigh.

When we parted ways at my car, we hugged and then he kissed me.  I kissed him back, which maybe wasn't a good idea.  He told me he was having regrets.

In the light of day, my response to that is, "Well that's lovely, call me when your regrets have turned into clear actions showing you are available and want to date me, K?"

So, yeah, I'm in a Purple Rain kinda mood. . . mainly just disappointed.



Made the best never-before-made dinner tonight of collard green sauteed in garlic with lemon, and curry quinoa cooked with vegetable broth and more garlic.  Plus some sauteed marsala tempeh on the side.  yum!  Maybe I'll have to cook quinoa more often.

I don't have much to say today but wanted to keep up my NaBloPoMo streak.  Well, clearly I've missed a day here and there but in general want to be making the every day effort.

It is definitely a different experience to blog daily versus every few days or so.  I'm appreciating the experience of greater commitment and the sense that blogging is more integrated in my life, versus occasional stories or outpouring of feeling.

Yesterday's post (reflecting on my time of unemployment) is still bouncing around my brain, actually, and was helpful to write in more ways than one.  If you haven't voted yet, please take a second and vote if you are able!

I'll sign off by sending a congratulatory shout-out to SurlyMama for her beautiful BFP.  Exciting news!


Making the Most of Freedom

I was thinking today about how I may have one month left of unemployment until I potentially start working full time in July.  This is assuming the best case scenario that I will be hired by the cool manager of the One Stop Career Center I interviewed with last Tuesday.  It's funny how having a limited quantity of something can somehow make you appreciate it more and become more conscious with how you are using it.

When I first became unemployed, I did have that sense of freedom that can come with a rare block of open time, like a vacation.  But those of you who have been unemployed or not worked for a longer period of time can perhaps attest - I hope I'm not the only one! - that something shifts after a while, and you naturally tend toward creating a somewhat regular (less than exciting) routine.

My routine has generally looked like:

8 a.m. - 10 a.m. - Awaken, morning routine (dressed, take medicine, make coffee), read and respond to email, write in journal and map out specifics of day, eat light breakfast and talk to housemate.

10 a.m. - 1 p.m. - Go running or go walk the dog I walk three days a week.  Sometimes volunteer for a couple of hours at the local Interplay office (in exchange for free classes).  Shower and make lunch.

1 p.m. - 2 p.m. - Watch my soap opera.  lol  A guilty, inane pleasure that breaks up the day. . .

2 p.m. - 5 p.m. - If it's nice out, read a book/look at email and blogs on the deck for a while.  Do job search and apply for jobs.  Make necessary phone calls.  Run errands.

5 - 8 p.m. - Cook dinner, eat dinner, talk to housemate, computer stuff.  If have evening activity, attend that (community meeting, Interplay theatre, NVC group, etc.)

8 - 11 p.m. - Watch movie and or TV, computer stuff, stretching/yoga, sometimes reading.

Zzzzzzzzz.  Wake up!  Yeah, it's pretty boring stuff.  Of course, there is the occasional interview in there, or a walk around the lake/happy hour with a friend, maybe a hike.  I have done quite a few self and career exploration/personal growth activities.  But generally, that's the weekday flow.  My need for external motivation haunts me.

Yes, I've had a few specific accomplishments about which I feel good:

  • Several coaching sessions and greater clarity about my career path 
  • Three trips to Oregon to see family and meaningfully participate in my brother's wedding and grandma's memorial
  • Starting and maintaining this blog
  • Initiating a running routine and losing weight 
  • Reconnecting with an old flame, processing the past, and having a short relationship, which demonstrated we should not be in relationship 
  • Obtaining a really excellent tan. . .

Yet, I can't help but question:  Why haven't I been more motivated to take more full advantage of this time?

Which bring me to the present and the sudden possibility of this phase of abundant freedom coming to an end.  What more can I do in this next month to take full advantage of this gift before it runs out?

Maybe. . . . I could:

  • Take a beginning drawing class - low cost or for trade
  • Spend a lot of time with sound healing/chocolate man doing interesting, fun dating stuff
  • Actually break out all my new paper crafting tools my mom gifted me for Christmas and make something fabulous.  Any ideas?  Again the curse of needing external motivation. . .
  • Choreograph a dance because I love to choreograph.  Offer to teach it to some friends for fun.
  • Go on at least one "Artist Date" (from the Artist's Way) a week, like visiting local galleries and museums, painting pottery, or seeing a dance/theatre show.
  • Go up to Oregon yet again to spend a few days with family, most especially my brother, niece and nephew, and grandpa. 
  • Commit to finish all the development-focused books I started on: career assessment, emotional health/intimacy in relationship, and non-violent communication.
  • Choose to master a skill that will help me in my career and find resources to help me master it.  Possibilities include basic website design, graphic design, time management, learning about a couple of new career assessment tools, or ?.  Btw, would you be willing to share your time management system or program/resource, if it is working well for you?

What do you vote for?  Anything not on the list that should be?



Does anyone know whether the world is ending at 6 a.m. or 6 p.m.?  I am trying to plan my day. . .

They say it is supposed to start with a big earthquake.  Our foundation is earthquake ready now, but we still have not assembled our earthquake kit.  We will have to make do the best we can.  :-P

Sorry, but am I the only one who thinks it's a bit crazy that this topic is being covered on the mainstream news shows?

Interview Rapport and Loose Ends

First, I wanted to share that the interview this afternoon went really well!

I liked the woman who interviewed me, my potential future supervisor, a lot.  Based on initial appearances, she seemed to have some soulful qualities:  she was wearing a loose, silky scarf and had an interesting tapestry on the wall.

The questions were straight-forward and didn't include the annoying tricky "test" ones, like "What is your greatest weakness?" or "How would you handle a conflict with your supervisor?"  She just asked questions relevant to the job and my background, and we had a comfortable, warm rapport.

When I asked about the work culture there, she shared quite a bit of information about recent budget changes, the relationship between the two different career centers and respective staffs, and also her thoughts on managing the future dynamics of the team.

And just like on a good date, when the guy talks at the end about the next time you will get together, as I was walking out after the interview she mentioned, "The next time you come here. . ."  Good sign, right?

Tying up loose ends:

Sound Healing/Chocolate Man.  We never Skyped, but we've been emailing.  He was surprisingly supportive around my interview preparation, offering a few helpful reflective questions like, "What three things do you want them to remember about you?" and "What feeling do you want to leave them with?"

On the latter, I decided I wanted to leave them with the feeling that I was qualified and brought added benefits such as a psychology M.A.  And that they would be lucky to have me.  It helped my confidence to focus on that.

In his email this morning, he invited me to go to Sushi next week when he gets back (yay).

The guy from my theatre class who was somewhat aggressive in his invitation to be friends outside of class:  that whole situation ended rather anti-climactically.  He wrote an email asking me to go to coffee and reiterating things he admired about me.  I wrote him back saying I had gotten clear that, while I really enjoyed interacting with him in class and looked forward to continuing, I wasn't interested in being friends with him outside of class at this time, in that way.

He wrote me back thanking me for my clarity and being cool about it.  He said something about how in the past people have hesitated and he assumed it meant no when it didn't, so that's why he was persistent, but he's sorry if he made me uncomfortable.  Interesting.

I kinda want to know more about that other situation he mentioned, just because I'm curious.  I'm thinking whatever it was, that it was an anomaly and not something on which to base an approach to life. . .

My waking/sleeping experiences with time.  I guess I'll just say that I've had dreams lately about being given a challenge or problem to solve and having time constraints/pressures.  And I keep getting distracted in the dream or things take too long and I miss the deadline or, in one dream, the little girl I was supposed to set up the high chair for and feed, gets into graham crackers in the cupboard because she's hungry and I'm taking too long and all this time has passed.

I know I have already shared (a couple times) about how the last week/week and a half has been creeping by. . . but then blocks of time like a couple hours will zoom by really quickly and freak me out.

Sooo, maybe it's about the time crunch I feel to have a kid or get a job, or fears of job performance (which I do have because of difficult ending to last job).  Also, just having a lot more free time right now than people generally have. . . and being in a limbo, in-between things kind of place.

Maybe there are reasons?   But it's still weird.


I Got Soul

I thought maybe I would share some more music with you tonight.  My brother introduced me to The Killers a while back, and they are currently enjoying top billing on my authentic life running soundtrack.  Hope you enjoy them too.

The Magic of Interplay

After all that build up, my interview has been postponed until Thursday.

My cold kicked in to high gear with all the symptoms today, and I decided to call the employer and let them know I was sick.  I said I could definitely still come to the interview, but I think they probably realized I would not be at my best and maybe even wanted to avoid the germs.  Such a relief to reschedule!

I did, however, go to my Interplay Theatre performance tonight, and I'm glad I did!  We had a small but appreciative audience of family and friends.  There were about 10 of us performing, a good mixture of men and women, more and less experienced.  It flew by and I loved all the movement stuff we did, lots of contact improvisation and playful leading, following, and creativity.

At one point, the leader shared a poem about her women friends while three of us women moved and interacted; mirroring one another, spinning and meeting one another hand to hand or shoulder to shoulder, etc.  We received some positive feedback about that and it felt moving to do it.

Funny story: at one point during a more complicated form called "The Suite," and things were getting a bit chaotic.  One woman suggested we go up and do a "side by side story," which I was going to do, but as we started to go up there, my friend KP (who also leads my NVC group!) looked at me and hissed, "We are doing a DT3!," which is another story form.  In all the chaos, we did not realize she and another guy were already on center stage telling a story.  So I grabbed the first woman by the hands and pulled her back, and we ended up going into this long, silly, straight-armed spin.

I guess you had to be there, but it was such a Diva moment when KP said that.

Though nervous about it, I also participated in the speaking forms I'm less confident with, including a couple of three sentence stories (take the center stage and tell a story as you move/dance).  One was about being unemployed and asking for help to pay my car towing fees, and I was able to express gratitude (anonymously) to my housemate K who also does Interplay and was in the room!  Like with so many other things, it seems I gain confidence the more I step through my fear and take action.

Maybe tomorrow I will share about my recent crazy sleeping/waking dreams about time, and also how Sound Healing/Chocolate Man is helping me with my interview.



Drive-by post.  Tomorrow is the big interview at 2 p.m., then performing in an Interplay Theatre show for family/friends later in the eve.

I'm actually missing sh/c man. . . or maybe I'm just lonely.  The rain today is not helping.

Isn't it strange how some weeks fly by and others just crawl?


The Clearer the Vision. . .

Reflective Questions from a Mid-Life Career Article for Women on the Psychology Today website.  What would your answers be?  You are invited to answer in the comments section.  Maybe the clearer the vision, the closer the reality. . .

  • What do I feel I should have done by this time in my life?
Gotten married and had a baby.  Have a big savings account.  Own a house/condo.  Be more "established" and have higher status in my career.

  • Is there something more important and fulfilling that I can focus on now?
Not really.  I am focusing on the dating/baby thing as best I can.  Okay, well, I could focus more on having more discipline and integrating more structured spiritual practices and learning events.  Spending more time in nature.  

Initiating creative craft and/or choreography projects, possibly set goals? (maybe research classes at community centers and on the online community trade site. Ask artist/dance friends for ideas)

  • What do I want more of in my life? 
Sex!  haha  But true!

Family-focused time/activities like exploring, playing, planning, setting mutual goals and working together to accomplish, creating and dancing together, gardening, shared spiritual practice, personal growth.  Being parent (s).  Imagine everything will be more fun and meaningful when we do things as a family (whatever my family looks like).  

Using my greatest gifts in my work and experiencing mutual appreciation/recognition with those I work for and with. Having a sense of accomplishment and that I am making an appreciable difference towards sustainability/ localization/ conscious evolution.


Pounding Head, Travel Bug, and Communication "Aha!"

Well, it appears Blogger is working again. . .

It's Friday.  For some reason, this week has been absolutely creeeeping by.  Possibly due to the incessant hammering, drilling, and general banging around going on at my house from 7:30 a.m. to 4 p.m.  I can't complain too much about that, though, because it's dramatically increasing my physical safety (a strong foundation in an earthquake is a good thing, an event which is much more likely in my region of California than most of the country)

Or maybe the time drag is related to my physical discomfort.  I don't know if it's Spring allergies or a sinus infection or some other mysterious ailment, but my head has not been a friend to me just lately.  Exacerbated by falling asleep on the couch and giving myself tight/contracted neck and shoulders.  Okay, I'm sounding like I am 90 years old!  Moving on to more interesting topics.

Sound healing/chocolate man (I think I'll go with this nickname versus "Fred") and I have been keeping in touch by email.  I'm so jealous hearing of all his local explorations (National Galleries, Trafalgar Square, Shakespeare, Richmond Park, etc.).

The travel bug hasn't made a habit of biting me much.  Maybe because I traveled more than the average in my early teens, thanks to Japan and European trips gifted to me and my two cousins by our generous travel-savvy grandparents on my Dad's side.

But it's hitting me right now, and I really wish I was in England!  Having a travel partner in sh/cm wouldn't be so bad either. . .

Last night I went to my Non-Violent Communication group, even though I was tempted to stay home and lie on the floor.  I am very much appreciating this group.  One aha! moment last night came around the process of expressing our FEELINGS and NEEDS to another person.

Our facilitator said that Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, stressed that it's important to then move quickly to the REQUEST  part of the expression, to avoid the danger of that person feeling that you are BLAMING them for causing your feelings; assuming you are saying they are doing something WRONG.

I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me in relationships.  I share my feelings, 'cause I'm a feeling kinda gal, with the intention of feeling closer and more connected to them.  Instead, they become defensive, I feel frustrated and assume they don't care, and we end up further apart.  So this is a big one for me to practice.

I am looking forward to a weekend without the company of drills and jackhammers.  Dance and theatre workshop on Sunday.

And maybe a Skype conversation with sh/cm.


Theatre and Awkwardness and Resentment, Oh My!

I thought long and hard and decided I would, in fact, continue the parallel theme of "I forgot to post" yesterday. . . . ha!

Actually, I had a long, interesting and lovely night first at my Interplay theatre group, followed by a previous performance viewing at one of the member's home.  We have an upcoming "performance" (loosely defined, as it is very improvisation and fairly casual) this coming Tuesday evening and thought it might be informative and helpful if we checked out a hand-held recording from our last performance a couple months ago.

It was better than I thought!  I don't know what I expected; at the time I felt, well, not completely confident.  But I found it very creative, engaging, and entertaining, and I'm choosing to believe that's not because I knew all the people and I was in it!  Maybe this performance will be even better, as I know we all have more confidence now.

Generally the company and conversation throughout the evening was lively and fun.  One thing happened at the end of the evening, however, that I would like to share, and if you have any thoughts or insights I would love to hear them.

So there is this older, East Coast (don't mean to stereotype but I'm trying to give you a picture. I do have several East Coast friends!), intellectual, very analytical and verbose guy in our group, who I respect and generally  enjoy playing and interacting with in the Interplay world.  Outside this world, I don't necessarily enjoy talking with him.

We did an exercise in our group a while back in which it came out that both of us wished we had a greater number of deeper friendships in our lives but didn't for various reasons.  After class, he came over and proposed we fill that need for each other.

Now, I appreciate the thought and all, but I don't think he is someone with whom I necessarily want to build that type of friendship.  I wasn't completely clear on that at the time though, said thank-you, and agreed maybe we could get together for coffee.

So last night, at the very end of the night when I was exhausted and trying to get out the door and go home, he corners me and brings it up again in a way in which I really felt "put on the spot."

I ungracefully hemmed and hawed a bit, even said, "I don't know why but I feel a little resistant.  I know we talked in class about our desire for deeper friendships, but I think it should happen organically," or something like that.  But to be fair, I did indicate that yes, I was willing to get together for coffee.

Then I moved around him and started saying goodbye to people.  I was hoping to put it off, give him a clue that I was not really interested.  But he followed me and persisted in asking how I wanted that to happen, email or phone?

I probably at that point should have insisted I needed to leave and said I'll talk to you about it later or something, but it felt aggressive and I just wanted to get out the door. . . so I gave him my email.

This morning, I'm aware that I feel some resentment and irritation.  I don't want to get together with him, and I guess I'll tell him that in the email.

I suppose I'm wondering how I could have done a better job in communicating so it didn't get to that point, and also how to tell him in the email in a way that won't create awkwardness when we are in our group?

Any thoughts?


Ding Ding Ding! We May Have a Match!

I got an interview!  For an "Employment Services Representative" at a One Stop Career Center within a college that seems to have many of the characteristics of the "4.0 Career".  The administrator and I have exchanged voicemails and hopefully we will get something on the books tomorrow.  Maybe this is my good-fit job. . . 

Wish me luck!

Excerpt from article:

How The 4.0 Careerist Thinks And Behaves
Here are some ways to assess yourself and your work environment in relation to the rising 4.0 careerist orientation. Assess the extent to which you experience the following in your career and organization:
  • Ability to contributing something positive to people's lives, whether through the product or service, regardless of your status within the company.
  • Opportunities for new learning, continued growth and expanding your skills and competencies.
  • A positive, fun work environment that makes you look forward to going to work.
  • A safe and nontoxic office environment and building, including sufficient natural light, and green equipment and furniture.
  • Open communication and feedback, up and down.
  • A team-oriented, innovative and challenging work culture.
  • Employee recognition and reward programs that are fairly applied.
  • Positive, supportive leadership and management practices, including corporate citizenship, ethics, transparency and corporate responsibility practices.
  • Commitment to diversity in hiring and promotion of employees, including differences of gender, racial/ethnic group, and sexual orientation.
  • Support for workers' well-being, through wellness programs, exercise, stress management, flextime and other programs, not surface gestures like free coffee and soda.


Not There Yet

Almost the end of the weekend, another Mother's Day come and gone.

I generally haven't felt much depth of love and gratitude on this day.  My Step Mom married my dad a year and a half after my birth Mom died and, though I call her Mom, for whatever reason we have never had a close-knit mother/daughter bond.

I always get her a card and gift (and remember many times where she did things for which I'm grateful or taught me valuable skills etc.), but if I am honest, I send her these things out of obligation versus an organic feeling of deep appreciation and love.

I went to my dance group today and then out to a Himalayan/Indian lunch with my dance peeps.  It was a fun day but generally just another Sunday.

I did have a moment mid-dance where I felt a wave of sadness and sat out on the edge of the floor for a while just being with my feelings.  My dance scene is great like that: you can bring whatever you are feeling and be with it in the space without fear of judgment.

Anyway, I think it was because I had been thinking about my Mom and Grandma, and reading a bunch of blogs this morning that were poignant and moving to me (thank you to those of you who recognized and expressed my and others' experience so beautifully), and I just had some emotion stirred up.

But it passed fairly quickly, and then I rejoined the dance.

Maybe someday this day will be full of deep authentic appreciation and love, but I'm not there yet.


Walking the Line

Oops, forgot to post again!  Hopefully, this forgetfulness will not ride along as a sidecar theme to "Maybe" this month!

In thinking further about whether I'm relying too much on external events to guide my life right now, I have decided it's something to be conscious of, but relatively normal and okay, all things considered.

I know my top priority is creating my own family and how I accomplish that desire IS to a great degree up to God/fate.  There are many paths up the mountain.  Being open to opportunity and possibility is a vital aspect of navigating through the "liminal phase" of transition; the in-between, after the separation and before the reconnection in whatever transition you may be experiencing.  

And maybe part of my questioning myself is related to feeling embarrassed that I became so excited so easily at a couple recent possibilities.  It felt premature in retrospect when they seemed to fizzle out and not manifest into what I had hoped.  But there is nothing embarrassing about being excited and hopeful is there?  

Maybe the trick is being able to walk the line between possibilities / hope / excitement and realism / not putting all your eggs in one basket (an apt phrase considering my blog and thoughts of ttc; eggs also symbolize potential).  Not always easy.

In a current real life application, I'm interested in sound healing/chocolate man (or 'Fred').  I don't know enough yet to be confident, but it's clear he likes me.  In addition to giving several compliments and sharing appreciation for me, he is very thoughtful and goes out of his way to make me comfortable.  The night of the chocolate event, he found me a chair, got up to get me water (twice), and was just generally very attentive to my needs.  

We talked for over two hours on the phone last night.  He is very interested and has studied Non-Violent Communication and plans to complete an intensive workshop in a few weeks to "take it to the next level."  This is my realm, and I love that he wants to learn and improve his communication and relationship skills.  Very different perspective from R!  

He is leaving Monday on a trip to England, back in two weeks, so our "getting to know each other" process will be in suspended animation for a bit.  Maybe that's okay. :)


Sound Healing and Chocolate

It's 2:30 a.m. but hopefully this post still counts to keep my NaBloPoMo streak going.  Had a date tonight, second one this week, I guess I'm rebounding okay.

Went to a "Sound Healing and Chocolate" party with a guy I'll call Fred, who I met through those sustainability/localization Transition Town meetings.  Pretty amazing night from a sunset on the deck in this huge gorgeous house in the Oakland hills, to homemade raw, organic chocolate tasting (one was called Lavender Love Bunny or something, I swear), to sound healing with bells/didgeridoo/tibetan bowls etc., to some interesting time talking and feeling very comfortable together.  We're still definitely in "Maybe" land, but I give this evening a thumbs up!

Better get to sleep, as workers are coming to work on our foundation at 7:30 a.m.  Blech


Show Me the Way

Today was a good, if somewhat boring, day.  Walked the dog I walk three times a week, at an unusually slow pace due to the Summer heat starting to kick in.

Thoughts stirred up in my Interplay Theatre group last night: it it wrong that I am seeking some kind of clear path to make itself known, versus following some kind of intuitive or internal guidance?

Two recent situations contributed to this question.  In both cases, a possible romantic connection and a possible co-parent connection, I felt a forward momentum and then let down when things stalled.  It's almost like I just want something to fall into place and move me forward, but that something could be a variety of things.

Is that flighty or ungrounded?  (Maybe too much Maybe?)


Go ahead with your own life. . .

Here is another hit song from my authentic life soundtrack.

I will always love Billy Joel.  He was the first concert I ever attended, my freshman year of college, and I slept outside the student recreation center at the University of Colorado all night to get tickets.  He has claimed a spot in the soundtrack of my life ever since.

When I need to claim my own choices and stand up for myself, this song fills my well of confidence.  I hope it gives you strength, as well, or at least some entertainment.

My favorite lines:
"I don't care what you say anymore, this is MY LIFE.  Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone."


Car Drama and Maybe Baby

Another turn of the wheel and life looks different again.  

I don't think I mentioned that my car disappeared on Saturday.  I parked it in front of my house Friday night, as usual.  The next morning, I must have looked hilarious milling about where the car should be and looking around with a puzzled expression.  

I initially assumed it had been stolen but soon found out otherwise from the Oak.land Pol.ice Dep.artment. . . So I will make an admission at this point:  when I don't see any solution to a situation, sometimes I just throw it off the radar screen, which I did with this situation.  

But only after discovering that, in order to retrieve my TOWED car, I needed to pay my remaining DMV registration balance (I had paid the registration fee but it was late so they tacked on additional fees I was in the process of paying off), pay a police release fee, AND pay the towing yard for towing and storage fees.  Most of which was impossible on the weekend. 

So today as I emerged from my fog of denial, I found out that the towing and storage fees currently stand at $350 and they will add $60 for each additional day of "storage."   Ack!  I told my housemate, then just decided to go to my dog walking gig, as my mind churned about possible solutions but was finding none.  

Then, miracle of all miracles, my housemate offered to help me.  He admitted it was selfish in part because he knew if this situation was not resolved, then rent would get behind and it would affect him too.  But regardless, he is completely awesome and I am incredibly grateful right now.  

He drove me to all three places and paid the fees, and my car is now sitting out front again with a shiny new registration sticker on the back plate.  Thank you, K!!!  I will pay back most of the money he loaned me at the end of the week, but he saved me several hundred dollars in additional fees and more.

And having my car back meant that I could keep my meeting with a new potential co-parent in San Francisco.  This new possibility came up recently.  I will write more about it later, but suffice it to say, I love what I know about these guys so far!  

They are a gay couple, absolutely adorable, who have been together for 10 plus years.  The oldest one is my age, the other one a few years younger, and they are both educated, bright, and athletic.  I totally feel on the same wavelength with the older one I met with today, who would be the donor.  He made me laugh a lot and the whole conversation was relatively comfortable, even when the topics were more difficult (such as finances, custody arrangements, etc.).  

I am taking this a step at a time and promise to share more in the coming weeks, if and when things progress.  

So MAYBE I met the father of my child today!  

Or MAYBE not. . . but it's exciting to consider!


NaBloPoMo and MAYBE

One thing I know about myself:  I tend to be externally motivated.  As much as I would like to operate like the Energizer Bunny, consistently powered by some unseen internal energy source, I seem to do best with a deadline, a looming visit, or a good old-fashioned kick in the butt.  So on that note, I am excited to announce my commitment to NaBloPoMo or "National Blog Posting Month."  As you can see below, the theme for this month is "MAYBE," and there will also be various writing prompts I may use for inspiration.  Wish me luck!

May's theme for daily blogging: MAYBE. Maybe can sound like a wishy-washy word, a non-commitment.  It can show ambivalence, being of two minds about something.  Or maybe can also be seen as a word embodying potential -- maybe looks to the future, to possibilities, to things that may happen.  May is a great month for exploring future wishes as well as looking at the words as they scroll across the screen, planning how you'll move them from "maybe" to "yes."  Images can explore the unknown, things that may be.

On another note, I am slowly but surely moving on from my intense foray into the past with R.  Last week I read something I found helpful.  It may sound incredibly obvious but you know how sometimes the time is just right to hear something and it hits you in a new way?  That's what happened when I read a reminder that I CAN'T control anyone else and further more, I have NO RIGHT to control anyone else.  And that includes trying to make someone communicate with you.  

So even though I would love to talk to R and have emotional closure that feels more clear and complete, I accept that may never happen.  I wrote him a final email that I feel good about: acknowledging that we have learned we want different things in a relationship right now, saying that while I wish he would communicate and don't like his behavior, I still love him, wish him well and am grateful for the positive aspects of our reconnection.  I can say that I feel finished and am moving on.

Speaking of which, I went on a breakfast and dancing date this morning!  A WHAT, you say?  A fun breakfast and dancing date!  It is a little unusual, I guess.  I met this guy, D, on an internet dating site and we exchanged some emails and a couple of calls before heading out this morning to breakfast at a local coffee shop.  He is a therapist (super cool in my book) and is spiritual and into dancing (super super cool).  He is not necessarily "my type" looks-wise, but it was definitely a situation where he grew more attractive the more time we spent together.  

And after breakfast and lovely conversation, he came with me to my ecstatic dance group!  And fit right in and had a great time!  It means a LOT to me that he was able to jump in and dance and be comfortable in that scene, because not everyone could or would.  I liked having him there; dancing with him and also being able to go off and dance on my own and know he would be fine.  

Afterwards, he dropped me off and headed home, following a tour of our backyard garden and sharing a couple of sweet kisses. 

So I guess that's my "MAYBE" for the day:  MAYBE this date will lead to something special!  (or MAYBE not)  More shall be revealed. . .