The Disappointment Continues

Chalk up two more BFNs in the record book.

This cycle currently stands at 11 dpo.  I read on one website that the average day women on the site received a positive HPT was 11.7 dpo.  Another site said around 13 dpo.  So, I suppose there is still a chance I might get a positive in the next couple of days.

Yesterday, my breasts were quite sore but today less so.  I also felt period-like heaviness/tightness in my lower abdomen/back but then again it may have been due to sore back muscles and indigestion. lol  You just never know.  My temperature is remaining high so far.

If you didn't see the relationship questions in the last post, please take a look and respond if you have the time/inclination.  Inquiring minds want to know!  If I get a few responses, I will write a summary post.  You can email me if you are more comfortable, and I can keep your name confidential.

I'm looking forward to going out to pizza with sh/cm tonight.  That has become one of our 2ww rituals, usually during the last few days of my cycle (anyone else have rituals to help get through stressful times or is it just me?).

Then Sunday, after I go to my ecstatic dance group and sh/cm goes to his krav maga workout, we are heading to a local park with some of my dance peeps to chill together at this festival.

Next weekend, we are going down to San Diego for Labor Day weekend to meet his brother, his brother's wife, and their two boys.  I'm really looking forward to getting to know his brother, as they were and are very close, partly due to weathering the difficulties of divorce and a mean stepfather together.

Anyone else have Labor Day plans they are looking forward to?

In October, we will swing the other direction and visit my fam up in Oregon.  More on that at a later time.

For now, I shall bravely return to face the short remainder of this 2ww!

Don't Wanna Be Fear's B*tch

In a bit of a tailspin about the job search process right now. . .

On the cusp of this full-time federally-funded case manager job opportunity, and fear is taking me for a ride.  On the one hand, I'm afraid of going through the big FAIL again, hearkening back to my last, similarly funded job: the lack of support, the unexpected new grant tripling my caseload, and the escalating nightmare in which I felt unable to succeed.

And on the other hand, I'm afraid of losing equanimity; spiraling into chaos and exhaustion with a full-time job plus a longer commute.  I don't think the latter fear would be as strong if this job wasn't federally-funded and, as they admitted in the second interview today, 50 - 60% detail-oriented paperwork and reporting tasks.

It turns out this job also has a caseload of 80 - 100 clients.  Granted, they would be adults versus youth and likely much more self-motivated and self-aware, but still I imagine that the career counseling/development process would necessarily be less deep with those kind of numbers.

I have a couple other potential opportunities: as a part-time case manager with a green job training/education organization; and as a part-time career exploration class facilitator for junior high school students (funded through a local community college).

A well-paying part-time job could be a building block to creating multiple income streams, which has been my long-term vision for over 15 years.  I've imagined these income streams including career counseling clients, writing a book/e-book/workbook, teaching a class(es), and co-producing social change theatre/dance projects.

Multiple income streams could potentially create more stability/independence, flexibility, and also more excitement.  I feel like I've lost myself for years at a time in previous jobs, then come out the other side wondering where all the time went.

Maybe because these jobs were not a great fit, but they seemed to suck my lifeforce and leave me with little energy for anything else of substance.  Sounds so dramatic, ha!  Anyway, I'm trying to wrestle with all this and not just react from the fear.

On the relationship front, sh/cm and I are talking a lot and growing closer.  Can't remember if I shared that he came with me to my ecstatic dance group a week ago last Sunday.  So sweet and endearing when someone goes outside their comfort zone for you.

Also really appreciating sharing a non-violent communication familiarity and using this tool on a regular basis.  It makes a big difference when both people are on board, believe me!

When we're together, those waves of strong feeling will wash over me and there's more of a sense that he is "mine."  I changed my Face.book status and received nice comments and lots of "likes."  Silly, but it made me happy.

I think I will write about my distancing pattern in more detail sometime in the near future, because I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences.  It has been such a torment to me over the years.  I told sh/cm that if I could cut off a finger and be rid of it, I would.  Disturbing, but true.

But overall, the way we deal with it together is reassuring, and we seem to keep getting to the other side and feeling closer.

On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to making banana bread tomorrow with a bunch of aging bananas we have in the fridge.

And going running first (in the morning as it's going to be a scorching day) to burn off the banana bread calories, as well as the Taco Be.ll taco salad I devoured this afternoon!

Not There Yet

Almost the end of the weekend, another Mother's Day come and gone.

I generally haven't felt much depth of love and gratitude on this day.  My Step Mom married my dad a year and a half after my birth Mom died and, though I call her Mom, for whatever reason we have never had a close-knit mother/daughter bond.

I always get her a card and gift (and remember many times where she did things for which I'm grateful or taught me valuable skills etc.), but if I am honest, I send her these things out of obligation versus an organic feeling of deep appreciation and love.

I went to my dance group today and then out to a Himalayan/Indian lunch with my dance peeps.  It was a fun day but generally just another Sunday.

I did have a moment mid-dance where I felt a wave of sadness and sat out on the edge of the floor for a while just being with my feelings.  My dance scene is great like that: you can bring whatever you are feeling and be with it in the space without fear of judgment.

Anyway, I think it was because I had been thinking about my Mom and Grandma, and reading a bunch of blogs this morning that were poignant and moving to me (thank you to those of you who recognized and expressed my and others' experience so beautifully), and I just had some emotion stirred up.

But it passed fairly quickly, and then I rejoined the dance.

Maybe someday this day will be full of deep authentic appreciation and love, but I'm not there yet.

NaBloPoMo and MAYBE

One thing I know about myself:  I tend to be externally motivated.  As much as I would like to operate like the Energizer Bunny, consistently powered by some unseen internal energy source, I seem to do best with a deadline, a looming visit, or a good old-fashioned kick in the butt.  So on that note, I am excited to announce my commitment to NaBloPoMo or "National Blog Posting Month."  As you can see below, the theme for this month is "MAYBE," and there will also be various writing prompts I may use for inspiration.  Wish me luck!


May's theme for daily blogging: MAYBE. Maybe can sound like a wishy-washy word, a non-commitment.  It can show ambivalence, being of two minds about something.  Or maybe can also be seen as a word embodying potential -- maybe looks to the future, to possibilities, to things that may happen.  May is a great month for exploring future wishes as well as looking at the words as they scroll across the screen, planning how you'll move them from "maybe" to "yes."  Images can explore the unknown, things that may be.

On another note, I am slowly but surely moving on from my intense foray into the past with R.  Last week I read something I found helpful.  It may sound incredibly obvious but you know how sometimes the time is just right to hear something and it hits you in a new way?  That's what happened when I read a reminder that I CAN'T control anyone else and further more, I have NO RIGHT to control anyone else.  And that includes trying to make someone communicate with you.  

So even though I would love to talk to R and have emotional closure that feels more clear and complete, I accept that may never happen.  I wrote him a final email that I feel good about: acknowledging that we have learned we want different things in a relationship right now, saying that while I wish he would communicate and don't like his behavior, I still love him, wish him well and am grateful for the positive aspects of our reconnection.  I can say that I feel finished and am moving on.

Speaking of which, I went on a breakfast and dancing date this morning!  A WHAT, you say?  A fun breakfast and dancing date!  It is a little unusual, I guess.  I met this guy, D, on an internet dating site and we exchanged some emails and a couple of calls before heading out this morning to breakfast at a local coffee shop.  He is a therapist (super cool in my book) and is spiritual and into dancing (super super cool).  He is not necessarily "my type" looks-wise, but it was definitely a situation where he grew more attractive the more time we spent together.  

And after breakfast and lovely conversation, he came with me to my ecstatic dance group!  And fit right in and had a great time!  It means a LOT to me that he was able to jump in and dance and be comfortable in that scene, because not everyone could or would.  I liked having him there; dancing with him and also being able to go off and dance on my own and know he would be fine.  

Afterwards, he dropped me off and headed home, following a tour of our backyard garden and sharing a couple of sweet kisses. 

So I guess that's my "MAYBE" for the day:  MAYBE this date will lead to something special!  (or MAYBE not)  More shall be revealed. . .