Don't Wanna Be Fear's B*tch

In a bit of a tailspin about the job search process right now. . .

On the cusp of this full-time federally-funded case manager job opportunity, and fear is taking me for a ride.  On the one hand, I'm afraid of going through the big FAIL again, hearkening back to my last, similarly funded job: the lack of support, the unexpected new grant tripling my caseload, and the escalating nightmare in which I felt unable to succeed.

And on the other hand, I'm afraid of losing equanimity; spiraling into chaos and exhaustion with a full-time job plus a longer commute.  I don't think the latter fear would be as strong if this job wasn't federally-funded and, as they admitted in the second interview today, 50 - 60% detail-oriented paperwork and reporting tasks.

It turns out this job also has a caseload of 80 - 100 clients.  Granted, they would be adults versus youth and likely much more self-motivated and self-aware, but still I imagine that the career counseling/development process would necessarily be less deep with those kind of numbers.

I have a couple other potential opportunities: as a part-time case manager with a green job training/education organization; and as a part-time career exploration class facilitator for junior high school students (funded through a local community college).

A well-paying part-time job could be a building block to creating multiple income streams, which has been my long-term vision for over 15 years.  I've imagined these income streams including career counseling clients, writing a book/e-book/workbook, teaching a class(es), and co-producing social change theatre/dance projects.

Multiple income streams could potentially create more stability/independence, flexibility, and also more excitement.  I feel like I've lost myself for years at a time in previous jobs, then come out the other side wondering where all the time went.

Maybe because these jobs were not a great fit, but they seemed to suck my lifeforce and leave me with little energy for anything else of substance.  Sounds so dramatic, ha!  Anyway, I'm trying to wrestle with all this and not just react from the fear.

On the relationship front, sh/cm and I are talking a lot and growing closer.  Can't remember if I shared that he came with me to my ecstatic dance group a week ago last Sunday.  So sweet and endearing when someone goes outside their comfort zone for you.

Also really appreciating sharing a non-violent communication familiarity and using this tool on a regular basis.  It makes a big difference when both people are on board, believe me!

When we're together, those waves of strong feeling will wash over me and there's more of a sense that he is "mine."  I changed my Face.book status and received nice comments and lots of "likes."  Silly, but it made me happy.

I think I will write about my distancing pattern in more detail sometime in the near future, because I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences.  It has been such a torment to me over the years.  I told sh/cm that if I could cut off a finger and be rid of it, I would.  Disturbing, but true.

But overall, the way we deal with it together is reassuring, and we seem to keep getting to the other side and feeling closer.

On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to making banana bread tomorrow with a bunch of aging bananas we have in the fridge.

And going running first (in the morning as it's going to be a scorching day) to burn off the banana bread calories, as well as the Taco Be.ll taco salad I devoured this afternoon!


  1. I am very familiar with anxiety, especially when it somes to having to make big decisions. I hope that you can quell the anxiety so that you can decide what is the right direction for you. I am glad that things are going well with sh/cm. Having support makes a lot of difference in how we handle stress. Thinking of you and wishing you the best path.

  2. Thanks Nell! So true about support making a difference. As you can see, I was able to make a decision, at least for now! Appreciate your good thoughts.