Moving Forward in Fits and Starts

Everything was moved in on Saturday, and now I have the daunting task of unpacking or storing all the boxes.  It's interesting to me that I survived the last several months without any of these items, which shows they are not vital to my life.  Useful in many cases, yes.  Aesthetically pleasing sometimes, yes, but not necessary.  I will admit after all the protests from my housemate about using "her stuff," it does feel good to move all "my stuff" into the dining room and kitchen.  I am back to having an abundance of cups and bowls, versus just the few I bought at the dollar store.

At the moment, housemate and I are getting along in a civil fashion.  Major drama erupted last Thursday, though, when I let her know late night that S might stay over and leave early in the morning for work.  He was wrapping up a conference and had been out with colleagues and I, admittedly after having a glass of wine, thought it would be nice to cuddle, especially since we have been talking about staying over but haven't crossed that line yet.  I texted her as a courtesy but realize now it was something we needed to talk about first.  I was thinking it would be unobtrusive and they wouldn't even see each other, but we do have a shared bathroom.

I think a reasonable response from her might have been saying that she felt it was something that needed to be discussed first and didn't want to be informed right before something was going to happen.  Then, asking me if I could change plans because she really wasn't comfortable with it.  Instead what happened is she turned into a toddler or teenage, I'm not sure which, and started cussing me out and yelling at me.  It was pretty crazy, and I felt really overwhelmed.  I knew if S came over, things would escalate further, so I got a hold of him and cancelled.  I made it very clear to her later that the name calling/cussing at me was unacceptable, and I did not want it to happen again.  I also apologized for not discussing it with her first.  We have since negotiated a couple things, including sharing the living room and S coming over perhaps one night a week on a night she is not there (she stays at her daughter's house two nights a week).  Feeling okay about it right now, but admit I questioned my choice to stay here after she blew up.

S has a couple of key appointments with doctors today, so please send good thoughts.  He hopes to start this round of treatment as soon as possible, so it - and I think the surgery, as well - will be done by Christmas break.  We have been talking about diet and supplements that will support his treatments and healing.  This article was interesting to me, in that it doesn't talk a lot about diet.  It says the most important factors are stress, exercise, staying away from mold, helping others, and levels of Vitamin D.  What do you think?  Apparently, this doc has studied these factors for over 30 years.  I did find a good cookbook along these lines, as well, and plan to use that.

We had a great time Saturday night after he helped me move in.  A friend of mine from the EOL leadership program I did - ironically right after we broke up - was having a 70th birthday party, replete with an Indian feast.  So, we had a drink ahead of time and caught up on our weeks, which was really nice, then headed over and had a lovely evening connecting with conscious, compassionate people and participating in sharing memories and recognizing my friend.  I usually get very nervous to give speeches, even informal ones in front of nice people, but I had some liquid courage at that point, and I think I did pretty well. :)

Tonight, we are going to the Gi@nts game with one of S's work friends and his girlfriend.  S said she's a little odd, so we'll see how things go.  It would be nice to have "couple" friends to do things with.  We've never had that before, other than with our siblings.


House! Relationship! Family!

Sitting in Starbuck's passing time while my new house is cleaned.  That's right, my new house!  My stuff was delivered a couple of days ago.  S and I moved some boxes and bedroom furniture in yesterday and will move the rest in next weekend, likely with an hour of help from T@sk Rabbit or another type service. 

My housemate has softened a bit, so that we are not exactly friendly but respectful and civil.  It's a step in the right direction, anyway.  Of course, I am counting on her moving out in a few months to a year, as she said she planned to.  We will see how that unfolds... she is financially struggling and, as I well know, it is difficult to make a move from that position.  Hopefully, things will pick up for her with her business and re-starting a part-time therapy practice.

Once I get my stuff settled in, I plan to contact social service folks in my new county and take the next step with paperwork and meeting with an adoption caseworker.

S and I have been continuing to communicate daily and see each other once a week.  I think I mentioned he is going through a health challenge right now.  He has the type of illness that many men his age have to worry about.  He caught it relatively early but will need to go through a round of treatment for the next several weeks, then surgery, then another round of treatment.  The doctors prognosis is that, if he completes all that, he should have a full recovery.  I am praying this is so.  When I first heard the extent of necessary medical intervention, I felt scared and had a moment of asking, "Am I up for this?"  After all, S and I are newly reconnecting and still talking through issues and concerns.  But things continue to be encouraging and grow closer between us.  I love him and want to be of support. 

One of the issues we started talking more in-depth about this last weekend is family and parenting.  As I have mentioned, S has a lovely adult daughter and step-son and does not feel the longing I do.  Plus, he is almost a decade older than me and worries whether it is responsible for him to become a father at this age.  He has also not wrapped his head around the various aspects and potential challenges of adoption to the level I have at this point.  But I have a sense he will "come around" should we stay together long-term.  In the meanwhile, I know he will be supportive of me in my present adoption efforts.

A parallel concern is whether his fertility will be affected by treatments because, although this path is not something we are pursuing or are ready to pursue, if a door is closing, I would like to know that and discuss it together.  Of course, his health is paramount and takes priority over anything regarding fertility.

So I guess we are in a complicated and multi-layered relationship right now!  I am feeling pretty hopeful and upbeat today, though, for what that is worth. :)


Labor Day Progress

Happy Labor Day!

I am feeling excited for Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish because she is now getting clearly positive HPTs!  A lot of resources and emotion have gone into her journey, and I am happy that her little one may get a sibling!

After I finish this post, I will get ready and head out to meet S at a park to watch a free production of King Lear.  I don't love Shakespeare, to be honest, though I can recognize it's worth, but it's outdoors and we will be sipping wine and relaxing, so I think overall it will be a good time.  Then, we will stroll over to have dinner in the neighborhood near the park.  I thought about bringing Zoey, but neither of us have been to this park, so I don't know whether there will be trees or posts to tie her to, which is key to a lengthy event like this.

S and I had some more conversation in the last few days about the possibility of dating again.  We have talked about different lifestyle choices and taken action to get more on the same page.  It's so strange when I take a step back and consider where we are right now.  I would have NEVER thought we would get back together.  I was truly and surely finished, which is why I ignored his first two attempts over the last year to communicate with me.

But I do believe he has "woken up" to a couple of the key issues that painfully destroyed the love we had for each other and finally broke us apart two years ago this November.  His acknowledgement of his "stirring the pot" around exes and shift in his view of what loyalty and commitment look like is huge.  Then, his work on getting control of his anger and, from a cognitive-behavioral lens, changing his viewpoint when he is emotionally triggered by my actions, is also a giant change.  So far, knock on wood, we have been able to talk through anything that has come up for either of us in a mature way, like two adults.  Imagine that!  It does feel very grown up, here at our ripe old ages of 55 and 46.  ha!

Also, I don't want to go into it today, but S has recently had a health scare and I am helping him with a couple of things.  This brought up fear of losing him and also a true desire to help him the way he helped me with my fibroid surgery, even after we had broken up.  So that has been a factor in bringing us closer, I think.

More shall be revealed, but I'm feeling some optimism today and look forward to spending time together this afternoon and evening.

Oh, even though my housemate has continued to be caustic at times, we did have another talk on Friday that released some tension, and, considering the landlord now says he has no plans to sell anytime in the foreseeable future, I may end up moving into this house on a more long-term basis.  I will likely decide when I hear back from him on a couple questions, including the lease, in the next day or two.