Happy Easter! and family/work updates

I'm not sure if this post will be cohesive, but wanting to share some happenings, so here goes...

It's Easter weekend, and I'm feeling a little sad not to be spending it with a little one. I told S that I wanted to spend this Easter with a child - my nieces and nephew or his grandchild - but it's not working out unfortunately. His daughter and son-in-law did make the move out here. She has a job already, and he has been interviewing and is close to landing one. They sent their one-year-old to her grandma's house in another state during the transition, which I don't think that I could do, but it sounds like she's happy and thriving. The grandma has been a caregiver for her since birth, so that does make it easier. She should be arriving in a week or so - can't wait! - but we're missing Easter with her.

Instead, I'm meeting S to watch the UO bball game (go Ducks!) this afternoon out at a sports bar somewhere, then going to dance tomorrow morning for the first time in over seven months - my knee is doing great with daily use and working out but I'm planning to take it easy - and meeting S afterwards for Easter brunch. Looking forward to our plans, but I'd still rather be with my brother's kids right now dying eggs!

S and I have been doing pretty well. We hit a bump in the road a week or two ago around his jealousy rearing it's head again and my frustrated attempt to set a boundary which then triggered him, but have moved through it in part thanks to the NVC couple's group we've been attending. We still plan to see our counselor to work through it further but are feeling close now. He's in his last round of chemo treatments and doing well so far, but we still have a few months to get through. As a reward for getting through it all, we plan to travel to Ireland in September! His step-son is getting married near Dublin. Woo hoo! It will be my first time traveling there, though I do have some roots in my ancestors, the Dunlavy's.

We have also had further conversations about becoming parents and made headway. We talked about different options, and I think he's coming around to donor embryo or foster adoption, but it's another thing we plan to discuss with our counselor. He's understandably worried about finances and the long-term responsibility piece. He makes a very good salary at this current job and honestly I'm not sure where it all goes and why he can't save more than he does. I know he has some credit card debt, but as I'm writing this I wonder if he's paying alimony to his ex-wife. We have had some money conversations but haven't gotten that far, yet.

My business continues to build slowly in fits and starts. I have a couple more career consultations this week so wish me luck. I'm also still waiting to hear back about two college counselor applications I submitted. My ideal is still to land a part-time counseling gig and continue building my business. There is a chance that I could be re-hired and given hours at my previous college for summer/fall, so I'm keeping an eye on that, as well. My marketing/client attraction program just formally ended with the final intensive last weekend, but I'm assisting at the next event in April and plan to stay connected, hopefully doing their speaker and leverage programs in the near future. I would definitely love to publish an e-book and get some videos or a home study program online! I officially joined my BNI local networking/referral group last week and am super excited about the potential there to get a steady stream of new clients. We are meeting for a second time next week.

Still waiting to see what happens with my housemate/living situation, but she couldn't pay rent on time this month, and I'm wondering if she might be on her way out. Considering that factor plus negative responses from the college district nearest S, it looks like it might be a good thing for S to eventually move in here. More shall be revealed soon, hopefully, on that front. Guess that's all the news for now...Hope you have a very Happy Easter weekend!


So Annoyed

I just received a letter saying my equivalency application for one of the local college districts was denied. WTF?! I have been working in another local district for the last several years, and on top of that my equivalency application for yet another local district was very recently accepted. As I understand it, these standards are uniform across the state so why am I being denied by this one district? Argh! I have had nothing but bad experiences applying for schools within this district, so I am beginning to think that I am not meant to work for them.

Also, it's stormy, wet, and grey here, and I have a big case of PMS. So. Annoyed.

Thanks for listening. Hope your weekends are going better so far.


Liminal Hopes and Dreams

I'm feeling kind of lost today for some reason... I'm sad to say I had another shocking confrontation with my housemate a couple nights ago. Not as bad as others but still very disturbing to my psyche and peace of mind. Not surprisingly it had to do with sharing what she thinks of as "hers," i.e. the tv which she owns.  *Located in the middle of our living room, the fact of which makes it seems silly to buy another tv but perhaps that's what I should do.

Synopsis: She was gone at a family gathering for a couple hours during the academy awards. I was watching it when she came home and it was literally at the last three or four minutes when they reveal best actor and best movie, which they build up to all night. I asked to have a few minutes longer, which I think most reasonable people would understand and agree to, but she stood there angrily in her robe. The show actually went overtime and cutoff so I left. I came back in for a moment to let her know what the recording time where she had left off watching earlier and she erupted in rage and again called me a "Taker," and also said, "I don't know who you think you are, but you're not that person."

WTF is that psychological abuse? Trying to get in someone's head and make them question who they are? And she's supposedly worked as a therapist. So yucky and disturbing. I pay half of the cable and give her wide berth in watching it when she wants. The fact she's gone two to three nights per week at her daughters has made this situation tolerable to begin with, but she's coming back this afternoon and I feel the oppressive energy of that fact. So. Done. With. Her.

I really do like this house very well, in all aspects but the bathroom which the owner didn't renovate when he did the kitchen. The kitchen is large and nice and new, with tiling and lots of counter space, etc. The location is pretty nice, as well, within walking distance of this small town's downtown and near two nice parks. S and I have talked about him taking it over when she leaves so I'm trying to stick it out. She said she wants to leave and plans on leaving but it's now March when she initially said the beginning of the year.

There are other situations unfolding which play into where we live (we are talking about us living together wherever that may be) - including if and where I land another counseling job. If it's at the college near where I live right now, then the situation mentioned above is the one we would go for. I think we would pay Marilyn off in some way or try and negotiate with the owner. I don't have confidence she would want to help us at all, but I have found that money talks to her. I would even help her find a place, as far as sending her leads. I think she should live in a mother-in-law unit or apartment near her daughter in a city that's about 45 minutes away.

Anyway, that's one scenario. The other ones are either that I get hired up north in S. Rosa full-time or in the E. Bay (near bkly and oklnd) full-time or part-time. The first option would lead us to move up there, the second option we could stay here or move closer in, finding a place with a yard in a walkable pocket neighborhood. Zoey of course is a huge factor. She's worth it but she adds further considerations, mainly that the place is dog-friendly and has a yard, which hugely limit the choices. I do NOT like long commutes, however, so I would work to avoid that, unless BART worked super well for the location.

In the meanwhile, I do feel lucky right now that I have an abundance of time to work on my business. Honestly, sometimes I get stuck and am not sure what I should even be doing, but at those times I just need to go back to making lists and prioritizing... sometimes I wish someone would tell me, "This is the most important thing to work on right now, then this and this." ha I have to be the grown one and direct myself.

My introversion, while a strength in many ways, is holding me back on the networking front. I have every intention of going to a networking event, but then the time comes and I just don't have the energy or motivation. Sounds lame saying it. I am totally and 100% committed to attending a networking group next week, which may or may not lead to a solid referral network, fingers crossed. Looking for other ways to inspire and butt kick my way to attending other events, like committing to going with someone else. Also, finding events close by seems to really help energetically.

This afternoon and evening are quite busy starting with an appointment with the counselor I and we have seen in the past. I want to explore how to let go or give less weight to the idealization and fantasy around my "first true love." I realize that's what I've been subconsciously comparing every relationship since then to...I went back and read blog posts from when I gave it a second try with that person. What a nightmare in so many ways. From feeling bored and distant, to insecure when he was checking out my sister, to abandoned when he headed up to keep drinking when I wanted to call it a night during my brother's wedding weekend, to retraumatized when he made a unilateral decision to abruptly end things as he had more than two decades ago.

The "one thing" that was great was our base physical chemistry. He did not even kiss well and was not a great lover. But I felt physically drawn to him and comfortable with him in that area. I have researched and found out that this is "a thing" to idealize and be hung up on your first true love, and I want to contextualize it and get help with managing it and giving it less weight. Can any of you relate to this dilemma?

After my counseling appointment, I'm heading into the office to meet with a client, then I'm meeting up with S for our Val.entine's dinner romantic makeup dinner. He had the stomach flu that night, so we never ended up going to that awesome restaurant I was talking about. Tonight is our do-over! Should be really fun and connecting; I love these type of dinners with S.

Happy March to you! Hopefully, I'll have some good news to report on the job or business front next time.