Life keeps rolling along... relationships take focus and energy; I find myself with less blogging motivation. But I still appreciate having a space to process and record the journey, so here I am again.
I started seeing a cognitive behavioral counselor yesterday for help working through intimacy and commitment fears, which I recently identified as a specific phobia and OCD, without the compulsions. Somehow, it's helpful to have a label for these fears and anxieties that arise in the context of intimate relationship, often in the form of judgments. It's already led to some helpful insights and reframing.
One of the underlying fears is that if I commit to something that is not "perfection," then I will lose the opportunity to be "un-abandoned" and have ideal, completely safe unconditional love and merging with someone. I will also become dependent on one person to meet all my needs. There is a sense I will be "trapped."
Obviously, these thoughts and fears are not rational and have as one main source my mother dying when I was four-years-old (and never really bonding with my step-mother). I think there are other layers, sources, and faulty beliefs acquired over the years, as well.
My relationship with RC has continued to grow. We connect emotionally, spiritually, romantically, and sexually. Also mentally, but a little less than I hope it grows into, as he engages more with an external passion or interest. Though we are physically affectionate and regularly sexual, I would like more fire from him, in terms of feeling his intense desire for me. I realized this dynamic of someone wanting me helps spark my own passion. He says he is strongly attracted to me and hasn't really felt this type of unbridled intense physical passion with someone before, that he can remember. So, it's something he's asking himself about - how can he feel open to losing some control in that way?
Overall, I feel excited and happy, hopeful about our future. We are having some spontaneous and relaxed, playful phone calls, which I am enjoying. I can be my quirky, silly self with him and feel comfortable. I can get frustrated or have strong feelings with him and feel comfortable. He is starting to show me edges I haven't seen before, which, while sometimes uncomfortable, I really appreciate.
So, we are moving forward both emotionally and in the "real world," as he is planning to move up here with me in May. This will only be about seven months into our romantic relationship, but considering our past friendship of several years, during which we spent a lot of time together, I think we are at a different place than many couples would be. I am tired of trying to maintain our intimacy over long distance between times we are together. I'm also really looking forward to having a life companion and someone who is "with" me in the journey of adopting or having a child. Combining finances and splitting rent will certainly not hurt my security and stability either.
He's coming up here for a couple of weeks over Spring Break, starting next weekend, during which we plan to get matching tattoos (!). Not the elaborate one we've talked about, but a simple celtic-style one of a combined heart and infinity sign. I'm excited to spend more time with him and learning more about each other and getting comfortable living with one another. So glad that my procedure is behind me and we won't have that stress and annoyance hanging over us!
Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
8/19/2017
Fall Beginnings - and Endings
School started back up this week in my high school to college program. Ah yes, I remember it well – the stress and disorganization. lol. The program has been existence for several years now but because of the revolving door of staff and counselors, the procedures and systems of operation are often revolving or unclear themselves. At least this year we three as counselors are all returning from spring semester, so there is consistency for the students and for us in terms of working together.
The most frustrating part for me is the fact that, because the program is generally understaffed and right now down an office person even from that, we are being asked to do data entry and administrative updates that should not be on our plates. It doesn't really make sense for them, either, to pay counselor salaries for this type of work. Oh well, to be honest, I'm just grateful to have a stable job and to work my full schedule again after sparse hours this summer. And it feels great to know the students – at least most of the ones on my caseload - from last year and feel a greater sense of comfort and belonging in the program.
In other work related news, I gave notice at my nonprofit. As you can imagine, I have very mixed feelings about this. The camaraderie and acceptance I felt there most of the time was unparalleled. The pay, however, was paltry, and the time and effort spent commuting from my new home was far more than I initially hoped. I barely got through last semester, and a couple red flag experiences showed me it was not sustainable, especially considering that I'm teaching a class September to November. I will really miss my colleagues there and miss the friendships, connection, and sense of emotional safety. The gifts I will take with me when I leave at the beginning of September include:
- Friendships that I truly hope will last over time
- Feeling safe enough there to talk through feelings and inevitable differences that came up, and experiencing growth as a result (i.e. Being more proactive, and knowing that I thrive as an employee with individual recognition and appreciation from my supervisor).
- An agreement that they can call me to fill-in over the summer or holidays etc. when whomever they replace me with can't work - basically being a substitute for that position.
- A vastly greater awareness of brain injuries and how they affect people's lives, as well as their loved ones. More empathy and understanding for those who have had concussions, traumatic brain injuries, and strokes.
- An inner feeling of fulfillment, knowing I made a difference in people's lives.
I will definitely not miss the commute, and it will help me to focus and prioritize my college job, which is really my bread-and-butter income. Depending on how much bandwidth the class takes, I may even have time to work towards landing a few career counseling clients in my new area.
Next week, regular high school and college class schedules begin – last week was just welcome week – and I also have my visit with the placement social worker. It seems like the wait for this visit has been forever, for some reason. I need to clean the house over the next few days, which I hate doing, but it's for an excellent cause! After that, I will be waiting for a placement!
7/26/2017
Anticipating Fall Changes
Summer definitely feels on the downward side, on its way out. I know the weather will be nice for a while longer, happily, but my school year - and returning to a 40-hour work week - is ramping up.
This is my last week working just a few hours at the college. Next week I am scheduled for three days there, and the following week I return to four, while continuing to fit in my 15 hours at the nonprofit. That week well actually entail longer days because of new student orientation and two days of staff retreat. So I'm a little nervous about the increased stress and energy demand, but overall I'm excited and ready for the return to a bigger paycheck!
A last minute twist in this semester schedule is that I was offered a one-unit career assessment class as part of a move towards more dual enrollment college classes at high schools. I have mixed feelings about it… the pros are that it increases my experience and value at my new college, as well as builds my resume in terms of teaching a new class. Plus, it's in my area of passion and expertise, and takes a few hours away from the high school to college program, which I appreciate.
On the con side, it's a half hour away and involves teaching high school students. I think they'll be relatively well-behaved students, in comparison to other schools where I've worked, but I still prefer college. It will also involve considerable time on the front end to prepare lesson plans, a syllabus, etc., as is always required for a new class. Since it's only one unit, though, it will only be an hour and a half of teaching, one day a week for eight weeks, and I'm sure it will fly by. Overall, it's a positive, and I'm glad for the opportunity.
I can't help but think about how my schedule will need to change if I'm placed with a child in the near future. My home study is complete - though they're late in getting my certificate. A small issue, but I can't wait to hold that official piece of paper in my hand! I have a meeting scheduled with my new placement social worker, B, in August, then she will start bringing my family book to county meetings, looking to match me with a child.
Everything is feeling more real to me now, and I notice a variety of feelings…First and foremost I'm feeling excited and hopeful, and I also notice feeling some curiosity and anxiety about the dramatic changes that will unfold in my life. My trip to Tahoe and caring for my nieces and nephew, as well as, don't laugh, but watching Outdaughtered on TLC and other parenting shows, I'm anticipating the demands of parenting an infant or toddler more acutely.
I'm thinking this is a good thing, psychologically preparing me. At least I hope so! But in the end, as a friend told me, I can't really know how it will be until it happens. I do know that my work schedule will necessarily change, at least for a while. I will probably have to let go of the nonprofit work and will try to cluster my work hours into three or four days. A question for the parents out there, what were you most surprised by once your child arrived? What changes did you have to make that you didn't anticipate?
This is my last week working just a few hours at the college. Next week I am scheduled for three days there, and the following week I return to four, while continuing to fit in my 15 hours at the nonprofit. That week well actually entail longer days because of new student orientation and two days of staff retreat. So I'm a little nervous about the increased stress and energy demand, but overall I'm excited and ready for the return to a bigger paycheck!
A last minute twist in this semester schedule is that I was offered a one-unit career assessment class as part of a move towards more dual enrollment college classes at high schools. I have mixed feelings about it… the pros are that it increases my experience and value at my new college, as well as builds my resume in terms of teaching a new class. Plus, it's in my area of passion and expertise, and takes a few hours away from the high school to college program, which I appreciate.
On the con side, it's a half hour away and involves teaching high school students. I think they'll be relatively well-behaved students, in comparison to other schools where I've worked, but I still prefer college. It will also involve considerable time on the front end to prepare lesson plans, a syllabus, etc., as is always required for a new class. Since it's only one unit, though, it will only be an hour and a half of teaching, one day a week for eight weeks, and I'm sure it will fly by. Overall, it's a positive, and I'm glad for the opportunity.
I can't help but think about how my schedule will need to change if I'm placed with a child in the near future. My home study is complete - though they're late in getting my certificate. A small issue, but I can't wait to hold that official piece of paper in my hand! I have a meeting scheduled with my new placement social worker, B, in August, then she will start bringing my family book to county meetings, looking to match me with a child.
Everything is feeling more real to me now, and I notice a variety of feelings…First and foremost I'm feeling excited and hopeful, and I also notice feeling some curiosity and anxiety about the dramatic changes that will unfold in my life. My trip to Tahoe and caring for my nieces and nephew, as well as, don't laugh, but watching Outdaughtered on TLC and other parenting shows, I'm anticipating the demands of parenting an infant or toddler more acutely.
I'm thinking this is a good thing, psychologically preparing me. At least I hope so! But in the end, as a friend told me, I can't really know how it will be until it happens. I do know that my work schedule will necessarily change, at least for a while. I will probably have to let go of the nonprofit work and will try to cluster my work hours into three or four days. A question for the parents out there, what were you most surprised by once your child arrived? What changes did you have to make that you didn't anticipate?
12/22/2016
Good News, Bad News, and a Silver Lining
I have some good news: I got the Santa Rosa adjunct counseling position! Felt so excited to get the call earlier today and am enjoying doing the onboarding paperwork to make things official. The bad news is that I was told not long after by the department chair that there were currently no assignments for me for spring semester. Here is her email below and I would love your perspective on how hopeful I should be that something might come up:
In other not-so-good news, my drive to Oregon has been delayed by a snow storm over the Siskyou mountains coming through tomorrow. I do not have a snow-friendly car, nor do I have (or want to wrestle with) snow chains. It looks like Saturday clears up, so my intention is to leave very early Saturday to get up there and be part of Christmas eve dinner. The silver lining is that my sister, brother-in-law, and oldest niece and nephew are driving down to see my bro-in-law's family here in Northern California, so I will see them and go to a nice dinner with everyone tomorrow evening. I would have been sad to have missed J and E.
I got my nieces and nephew toys/gifts but I made candles for the adults. I'm happy with how they turned out and even added different layers of color. I forgot to take pictures but will try and remember when they are unwrapped.
Off to bed now. Tomorrow will be about getting my expired license renewed, going to the store to get various beans for a Christmas eve veggie dish and a couple cookie ingredients, then see if I have time to make said cookies before the dinner tomorrow night. If not, I'll just make them in Oregon.
I also plan to look at and possibly buy a crib - white in color, in very good condition according to owner, and has good reviews (though is discontinued) - as I move towards making my house "placement ready." Yay! I'm also planning to pick up a few items from my brother while in Oregon, though he gave the crib they had to their house cleaner who had a baby last year. Oh well. In my crib research, it seems they range in price from around 160 to 500, and this one is offered for 100 complete with mattress and cute bedding. And most now convert to a toddler bed, as does the one I'm seeing tomorrow, which is especially helpful since the child may be a newborn up to two-years.
Sending you all love and blessings for the holiday and New Year!
"Congratulations on getting into the counseling
adjunct pool. I am sorry that we did not have an opportunity to meet
during the interview process.
As of right now, we do not have an identified
counseling assignment for the spring semester. However, I wanted to
check in with you about your weekly availability should an assignment
become available. I’d appreciate knowing this information as we move
forward in determining our coverage needs."
What do you think? On the one hand, she says they do not have an identified counseling assignment. On the other hand, why would she say, "...should an assignment become available," and, "...as we move forward in determining our coverage needs." It seems like there must be a chance or why would she even bring it up? I am still hoping.
I wrote back that I currently had self employment hours on Tuesday from 3-7pm and am working 15 hours at a non-profit, but that I have flexibility about when I work those hours. Please send good thoughts!
I got my nieces and nephew toys/gifts but I made candles for the adults. I'm happy with how they turned out and even added different layers of color. I forgot to take pictures but will try and remember when they are unwrapped.
Off to bed now. Tomorrow will be about getting my expired license renewed, going to the store to get various beans for a Christmas eve veggie dish and a couple cookie ingredients, then see if I have time to make said cookies before the dinner tomorrow night. If not, I'll just make them in Oregon.
I also plan to look at and possibly buy a crib - white in color, in very good condition according to owner, and has good reviews (though is discontinued) - as I move towards making my house "placement ready." Yay! I'm also planning to pick up a few items from my brother while in Oregon, though he gave the crib they had to their house cleaner who had a baby last year. Oh well. In my crib research, it seems they range in price from around 160 to 500, and this one is offered for 100 complete with mattress and cute bedding. And most now convert to a toddler bed, as does the one I'm seeing tomorrow, which is especially helpful since the child may be a newborn up to two-years.
Sending you all love and blessings for the holiday and New Year!
3/02/2016
Liminal Hopes and Dreams
I'm feeling kind of lost today for some reason... I'm sad to say I had another shocking confrontation with my housemate a couple nights ago. Not as bad as others but still very disturbing to my psyche and peace of mind. Not surprisingly it had to do with sharing what she thinks of as "hers," i.e. the tv which she owns. *Located in the middle of our living room, the fact of which makes it seems silly to buy another tv but perhaps that's what I should do.
Synopsis: She was gone at a family gathering for a couple hours during the academy awards. I was watching it when she came home and it was literally at the last three or four minutes when they reveal best actor and best movie, which they build up to all night. I asked to have a few minutes longer, which I think most reasonable people would understand and agree to, but she stood there angrily in her robe. The show actually went overtime and cutoff so I left. I came back in for a moment to let her know what the recording time where she had left off watching earlier and she erupted in rage and again called me a "Taker," and also said, "I don't know who you think you are, but you're not that person."
WTF is that psychological abuse? Trying to get in someone's head and make them question who they are? And she's supposedly worked as a therapist. So yucky and disturbing. I pay half of the cable and give her wide berth in watching it when she wants. The fact she's gone two to three nights per week at her daughters has made this situation tolerable to begin with, but she's coming back this afternoon and I feel the oppressive energy of that fact. So. Done. With. Her.
I really do like this house very well, in all aspects but the bathroom which the owner didn't renovate when he did the kitchen. The kitchen is large and nice and new, with tiling and lots of counter space, etc. The location is pretty nice, as well, within walking distance of this small town's downtown and near two nice parks. S and I have talked about him taking it over when she leaves so I'm trying to stick it out. She said she wants to leave and plans on leaving but it's now March when she initially said the beginning of the year.
There are other situations unfolding which play into where we live (we are talking about us living together wherever that may be) - including if and where I land another counseling job. If it's at the college near where I live right now, then the situation mentioned above is the one we would go for. I think we would pay Marilyn off in some way or try and negotiate with the owner. I don't have confidence she would want to help us at all, but I have found that money talks to her. I would even help her find a place, as far as sending her leads. I think she should live in a mother-in-law unit or apartment near her daughter in a city that's about 45 minutes away.
Anyway, that's one scenario. The other ones are either that I get hired up north in S. Rosa full-time or in the E. Bay (near bkly and oklnd) full-time or part-time. The first option would lead us to move up there, the second option we could stay here or move closer in, finding a place with a yard in a walkable pocket neighborhood. Zoey of course is a huge factor. She's worth it but she adds further considerations, mainly that the place is dog-friendly and has a yard, which hugely limit the choices. I do NOT like long commutes, however, so I would work to avoid that, unless BART worked super well for the location.
In the meanwhile, I do feel lucky right now that I have an abundance of time to work on my business. Honestly, sometimes I get stuck and am not sure what I should even be doing, but at those times I just need to go back to making lists and prioritizing... sometimes I wish someone would tell me, "This is the most important thing to work on right now, then this and this." ha I have to be the grown one and direct myself.
My introversion, while a strength in many ways, is holding me back on the networking front. I have every intention of going to a networking event, but then the time comes and I just don't have the energy or motivation. Sounds lame saying it. I am totally and 100% committed to attending a networking group next week, which may or may not lead to a solid referral network, fingers crossed. Looking for other ways to inspire and butt kick my way to attending other events, like committing to going with someone else. Also, finding events close by seems to really help energetically.
This afternoon and evening are quite busy starting with an appointment with the counselor I and we have seen in the past. I want to explore how to let go or give less weight to the idealization and fantasy around my "first true love." I realize that's what I've been subconsciously comparing every relationship since then to...I went back and read blog posts from when I gave it a second try with that person. What a nightmare in so many ways. From feeling bored and distant, to insecure when he was checking out my sister, to abandoned when he headed up to keep drinking when I wanted to call it a night during my brother's wedding weekend, to retraumatized when he made a unilateral decision to abruptly end things as he had more than two decades ago.
The "one thing" that was great was our base physical chemistry. He did not even kiss well and was not a great lover. But I felt physically drawn to him and comfortable with him in that area. I have researched and found out that this is "a thing" to idealize and be hung up on your first true love, and I want to contextualize it and get help with managing it and giving it less weight. Can any of you relate to this dilemma?
After my counseling appointment, I'm heading into the office to meet with a client, then I'm meeting up with S for our Val.entine's dinner romantic makeup dinner. He had the stomach flu that night, so we never ended up going to that awesome restaurant I was talking about. Tonight is our do-over! Should be really fun and connecting; I love these type of dinners with S.
Happy March to you! Hopefully, I'll have some good news to report on the job or business front next time.
Synopsis: She was gone at a family gathering for a couple hours during the academy awards. I was watching it when she came home and it was literally at the last three or four minutes when they reveal best actor and best movie, which they build up to all night. I asked to have a few minutes longer, which I think most reasonable people would understand and agree to, but she stood there angrily in her robe. The show actually went overtime and cutoff so I left. I came back in for a moment to let her know what the recording time where she had left off watching earlier and she erupted in rage and again called me a "Taker," and also said, "I don't know who you think you are, but you're not that person."
WTF is that psychological abuse? Trying to get in someone's head and make them question who they are? And she's supposedly worked as a therapist. So yucky and disturbing. I pay half of the cable and give her wide berth in watching it when she wants. The fact she's gone two to three nights per week at her daughters has made this situation tolerable to begin with, but she's coming back this afternoon and I feel the oppressive energy of that fact. So. Done. With. Her.
I really do like this house very well, in all aspects but the bathroom which the owner didn't renovate when he did the kitchen. The kitchen is large and nice and new, with tiling and lots of counter space, etc. The location is pretty nice, as well, within walking distance of this small town's downtown and near two nice parks. S and I have talked about him taking it over when she leaves so I'm trying to stick it out. She said she wants to leave and plans on leaving but it's now March when she initially said the beginning of the year.
There are other situations unfolding which play into where we live (we are talking about us living together wherever that may be) - including if and where I land another counseling job. If it's at the college near where I live right now, then the situation mentioned above is the one we would go for. I think we would pay Marilyn off in some way or try and negotiate with the owner. I don't have confidence she would want to help us at all, but I have found that money talks to her. I would even help her find a place, as far as sending her leads. I think she should live in a mother-in-law unit or apartment near her daughter in a city that's about 45 minutes away.
Anyway, that's one scenario. The other ones are either that I get hired up north in S. Rosa full-time or in the E. Bay (near bkly and oklnd) full-time or part-time. The first option would lead us to move up there, the second option we could stay here or move closer in, finding a place with a yard in a walkable pocket neighborhood. Zoey of course is a huge factor. She's worth it but she adds further considerations, mainly that the place is dog-friendly and has a yard, which hugely limit the choices. I do NOT like long commutes, however, so I would work to avoid that, unless BART worked super well for the location.
In the meanwhile, I do feel lucky right now that I have an abundance of time to work on my business. Honestly, sometimes I get stuck and am not sure what I should even be doing, but at those times I just need to go back to making lists and prioritizing... sometimes I wish someone would tell me, "This is the most important thing to work on right now, then this and this." ha I have to be the grown one and direct myself.
My introversion, while a strength in many ways, is holding me back on the networking front. I have every intention of going to a networking event, but then the time comes and I just don't have the energy or motivation. Sounds lame saying it. I am totally and 100% committed to attending a networking group next week, which may or may not lead to a solid referral network, fingers crossed. Looking for other ways to inspire and butt kick my way to attending other events, like committing to going with someone else. Also, finding events close by seems to really help energetically.
This afternoon and evening are quite busy starting with an appointment with the counselor I and we have seen in the past. I want to explore how to let go or give less weight to the idealization and fantasy around my "first true love." I realize that's what I've been subconsciously comparing every relationship since then to...I went back and read blog posts from when I gave it a second try with that person. What a nightmare in so many ways. From feeling bored and distant, to insecure when he was checking out my sister, to abandoned when he headed up to keep drinking when I wanted to call it a night during my brother's wedding weekend, to retraumatized when he made a unilateral decision to abruptly end things as he had more than two decades ago.
The "one thing" that was great was our base physical chemistry. He did not even kiss well and was not a great lover. But I felt physically drawn to him and comfortable with him in that area. I have researched and found out that this is "a thing" to idealize and be hung up on your first true love, and I want to contextualize it and get help with managing it and giving it less weight. Can any of you relate to this dilemma?
After my counseling appointment, I'm heading into the office to meet with a client, then I'm meeting up with S for our Val.entine's dinner romantic makeup dinner. He had the stomach flu that night, so we never ended up going to that awesome restaurant I was talking about. Tonight is our do-over! Should be really fun and connecting; I love these type of dinners with S.
Happy March to you! Hopefully, I'll have some good news to report on the job or business front next time.
5/10/2014
Mega-Stressful Week
Happy May, Everyone!
I just got through a mega-stressful week with my counseling interview Wednesday. I was so stressed and nervous and had to acknowledge it in the interview when my hand was shaking when I took a drink of water. The content included normal interview-type questions, plus a role play, plus a 10-minute teaching demonstration. I practiced the teaching demonstration a lot - it was on one of my favorite subjects, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality assessment - and think that I did quite well on that part. I felt I rocked the questions, too... but the role play? Not so much. I just plain didn't understand the setup and that I was supposed to look up information and make a sample Education Plan ahead of time. So, in the interview, I was deprived of a catalog and obviously didn't have access to a computer to look up information, which is completely unnatural and not a fair representation of my abilities. I'm kicking myself because I know NOW what I should have done and wish I could go back. Oh well. I did as well as I could without knowing the specific class information.
I think regardless of what happens, it was a good idea that I applied and interviewed because: 1. They know I care about the job and have ambition; and 2. I got some good practice should I choose to apply again. Also, through working with the counselors this semester in students services (as CTE counselors, we worked in a separate building across campus from student services), the interview process, and then today working as a team on the annual Super Saturday registration event on our campus, I feel a sense of belonging and like I am getting to know people better and feel more comfortable around them. That makes work more fun!
The week was also stressful because it was the last week of normal class for the course I'm teaching, and I crammed almost 30 student presentations into two days. It was intense, but also kinda fun. Oh, and I was skating on financial fumes because so many bills came through last month. Thank God, it was the last EOL payment!
In positive financial news, I think I mentioned I'm going to get quite a few hours this summer, and I'll also be teaching three Counseling orientation classes, which are either taught over two shorter days or one long day. It will be nice to make more money, aided by the fact I do not have to pay my almost $400/mo healthcare payment over the summer months, as it's divided over the rest of the year when they know people are working. Many people don't work in the summer and the campus will be more quiet. I'm looking forward to the more mellow atmosphere. I'm nervous to teach the orientations, which I've not taught before, but I sat in on another colleagues class which helped. And it's only one or two days - 6 hours - so how bad could it be? I have a PowerPoint I can fall back on if need be and I can do some fun interactive activities, as well. Okay, thanks for listening as I talked myself into it! :-)
After my class is over, at the end of this month over Memorial Day weekend, I'm going to drive up to Oregon again with Zoey. As usual, I can't wait to see my nieces and nephew, who I can tell from pictures have grown a LOT. My littlest niece has reddish/strawberry blonde hair and is such a little cutie. And my older niece and nephew are playing sports and looked darling participating in a recent Easter egg hunt. My mom is soldiering through her chemo appointments. Twice now she's had to go in the hospital when her temperature spiked. I guess on chemo it's easy to get sick and much more dangerous if you do. She was in for at least a week this last time but is now home. She and my dad actually went to stay at a special hotel and go wine tasting for their 40th anniversary this weekend.
I kind of miss my EOL program, but my local "pod" got together this last Monday at one of the women's house and caught up with each other, made some art/creative scenes (like visualizing what you want), and ate dinner. It was nice. There are more events on the horizon, including a reunion get-together on June 7th up in Sonoma and a book group that starting up.
I'm still working with my last-assigned "buddy," K, exchanging mini-coaching sessions every two weeks. So that helps keep my feet in the water. I'm trying to motivate to eat and drink more consciously and up the health factor another degree. I would like to drink kombucha instead of Diet Coke, but I will say that it's a hell of a lot more expensive! He's also supporting me in envisioning the relationship I want to have with my Dad, as well as with my birth Mom. Even though she passed away when I was young, I love the idea of creating space to connect with her and feel gratitude for all she gave me and the special relationship we shared - I think it would be really valuable for me to be able to tap into that on a regular basis. He is a very sweet and loving guy, and I think I am supporting him, as well, through helping him with a work transition, his relationship with his pregnant fiance, and sharing coaching/career counseling tools.
I have a f#*kload of student papers to grade before Tuesday. Wish me luck! I do have a nice brunch scheduled for tomorrow with a friend. Hope you all are having a fun weekend.
I just got through a mega-stressful week with my counseling interview Wednesday. I was so stressed and nervous and had to acknowledge it in the interview when my hand was shaking when I took a drink of water. The content included normal interview-type questions, plus a role play, plus a 10-minute teaching demonstration. I practiced the teaching demonstration a lot - it was on one of my favorite subjects, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality assessment - and think that I did quite well on that part. I felt I rocked the questions, too... but the role play? Not so much. I just plain didn't understand the setup and that I was supposed to look up information and make a sample Education Plan ahead of time. So, in the interview, I was deprived of a catalog and obviously didn't have access to a computer to look up information, which is completely unnatural and not a fair representation of my abilities. I'm kicking myself because I know NOW what I should have done and wish I could go back. Oh well. I did as well as I could without knowing the specific class information.
I think regardless of what happens, it was a good idea that I applied and interviewed because: 1. They know I care about the job and have ambition; and 2. I got some good practice should I choose to apply again. Also, through working with the counselors this semester in students services (as CTE counselors, we worked in a separate building across campus from student services), the interview process, and then today working as a team on the annual Super Saturday registration event on our campus, I feel a sense of belonging and like I am getting to know people better and feel more comfortable around them. That makes work more fun!
The week was also stressful because it was the last week of normal class for the course I'm teaching, and I crammed almost 30 student presentations into two days. It was intense, but also kinda fun. Oh, and I was skating on financial fumes because so many bills came through last month. Thank God, it was the last EOL payment!
In positive financial news, I think I mentioned I'm going to get quite a few hours this summer, and I'll also be teaching three Counseling orientation classes, which are either taught over two shorter days or one long day. It will be nice to make more money, aided by the fact I do not have to pay my almost $400/mo healthcare payment over the summer months, as it's divided over the rest of the year when they know people are working. Many people don't work in the summer and the campus will be more quiet. I'm looking forward to the more mellow atmosphere. I'm nervous to teach the orientations, which I've not taught before, but I sat in on another colleagues class which helped. And it's only one or two days - 6 hours - so how bad could it be? I have a PowerPoint I can fall back on if need be and I can do some fun interactive activities, as well. Okay, thanks for listening as I talked myself into it! :-)
After my class is over, at the end of this month over Memorial Day weekend, I'm going to drive up to Oregon again with Zoey. As usual, I can't wait to see my nieces and nephew, who I can tell from pictures have grown a LOT. My littlest niece has reddish/strawberry blonde hair and is such a little cutie. And my older niece and nephew are playing sports and looked darling participating in a recent Easter egg hunt. My mom is soldiering through her chemo appointments. Twice now she's had to go in the hospital when her temperature spiked. I guess on chemo it's easy to get sick and much more dangerous if you do. She was in for at least a week this last time but is now home. She and my dad actually went to stay at a special hotel and go wine tasting for their 40th anniversary this weekend.
I kind of miss my EOL program, but my local "pod" got together this last Monday at one of the women's house and caught up with each other, made some art/creative scenes (like visualizing what you want), and ate dinner. It was nice. There are more events on the horizon, including a reunion get-together on June 7th up in Sonoma and a book group that starting up.
I'm still working with my last-assigned "buddy," K, exchanging mini-coaching sessions every two weeks. So that helps keep my feet in the water. I'm trying to motivate to eat and drink more consciously and up the health factor another degree. I would like to drink kombucha instead of Diet Coke, but I will say that it's a hell of a lot more expensive! He's also supporting me in envisioning the relationship I want to have with my Dad, as well as with my birth Mom. Even though she passed away when I was young, I love the idea of creating space to connect with her and feel gratitude for all she gave me and the special relationship we shared - I think it would be really valuable for me to be able to tap into that on a regular basis. He is a very sweet and loving guy, and I think I am supporting him, as well, through helping him with a work transition, his relationship with his pregnant fiance, and sharing coaching/career counseling tools.
I have a f#*kload of student papers to grade before Tuesday. Wish me luck! I do have a nice brunch scheduled for tomorrow with a friend. Hope you all are having a fun weekend.
4/04/2014
My Discernment is Unreliable
I saw my counselor today; the same one S and I were seeing when we were together. It felt great to share some residual feelings I had from when S and I were stuck and fighting, as well as the final rounds of processing we did and insights we had.
Two of the main ones that I don't think I shared here were that: One, I agreed with S that, yes, I do have an edge around being sympathetic when my partner is whining or being pitiful (ok those are totally judgmental words showing my lack of sympathy. ha). I want to grow in this area and be "softer" and more responsive and loving when my partner is feeling small. Two, at a certain point a few months before we broke up, he GAVE up and, when we were fighting, he wasn't coming from a place of love and trying to reconnect. He was just fighting, and this felt so painful and crazy-making.
I'm well over the relationship and moved on, but it was good to share these insights with someone who knows us both and is compassionate.
Looking ahead, we talked about some initial guidelines to follow as I am dating and getting closer to someone, to help me discern if they are available and capable of the type of relationship and intimacy I want. She mentioned that feeling "familiar" is different than feeling "comfortable," and that we can feel a person or situation is familiar when it resembles a situation from childhood, even if that situation carried anxiety or insecurity. Concrete guidelines I might use to reflect on a new dating relationship might include asking the following questions:
Two of the main ones that I don't think I shared here were that: One, I agreed with S that, yes, I do have an edge around being sympathetic when my partner is whining or being pitiful (ok those are totally judgmental words showing my lack of sympathy. ha). I want to grow in this area and be "softer" and more responsive and loving when my partner is feeling small. Two, at a certain point a few months before we broke up, he GAVE up and, when we were fighting, he wasn't coming from a place of love and trying to reconnect. He was just fighting, and this felt so painful and crazy-making.
I'm well over the relationship and moved on, but it was good to share these insights with someone who knows us both and is compassionate.
Looking ahead, we talked about some initial guidelines to follow as I am dating and getting closer to someone, to help me discern if they are available and capable of the type of relationship and intimacy I want. She mentioned that feeling "familiar" is different than feeling "comfortable," and that we can feel a person or situation is familiar when it resembles a situation from childhood, even if that situation carried anxiety or insecurity. Concrete guidelines I might use to reflect on a new dating relationship might include asking the following questions:
- Can I be myself? Do I feel comfortable expressing the different parts of who I am?
- Does he want me to "shine"? Is he excited about, and supportive of, my success and development?
- Does the relationship feel mutual? Is he meeting me in the middle or showing willingness to try? Is he willing to work with me to meet my needs within the relationship, as well as his own?
- When we "fight" or when he is expressing unhappiness with me or something I did, is there a sense that underneath it all he cares about/loves me and wants to get through the difficulty and return to feeling close?
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