15-Months-Old

Christmas was nice, overall. We spent Christmas Eve at my Dad and his fiancee's house, and Christmas at my sister's, as expected. Ellie is the only little kid in the family, but my littlest niece gets pretty excited, too (she's six). Ellie was an active participant this year, walking around, sort of opening presents, and exploring, not a bump on a log, sitting in her car seat. She sure keeps us on our toes now! 

We did stockings at our own house, which is a nice tradition to keep with going forward. Favorite gifts included a Bouncy Bee and a Little People Farm from family friends and Mommy and Daddy's gift of a Fisher Price Noah's Arc (I had one I loved to play with as a child, so this is nostalgic :). Bipa (my Dad) got her/us a Bob stroller; yaaaayyy!! In Oregon's wet weather, those big wheels really come in handy.

Ellie turned 15 months on January 10th! She is so much fun. She now practices walking a lot and can walk backwards, spin in circles, and crawl up and down our stairs (with mom or dad right behind her at this point!). She still loves books and “reads” them on her own, flipping through all the pages. She brings us books to read sometimes now and we read to her at least two or three times a day, including her special bedtime books. 

I recently bought her a few new books, including Llama Llama, Red Pajama. So cute! She makes sad, sympathetic sounds when little Llama is missing his Mama. She even cried once or twice when Llama was calling loudly for his Mama, so RC and I had to make our voices less dramatic and more calm at that part. Thinking that might be related to some developmental step around empathy or relating to book characters more or something?

We took her to her 15-month doctor's appointment last Monday, and the nurse gave her four shots. Boo. She cried, of course, but recovered well. She's around the 80th percentile in head circumference and weight and in the 50th percentile in height. I think she is a strong little girl, and that affects weight, but, also, we are still breastfeeding. 

Crazy to be breastfeeding at this point - and I would never have predicted it - but it's true. I have read that it's recommended women stop breastfeeding by 16 months because babies (I guess they are "tabies" at this point. lol) get more attached to it at that point. Do you all have any thoughts or advice? I admit I still mostly enjoy it, and it can be a nice bonding time together - not to mention an easy and efficient way to comfort her when there is an immediate need. 

On a different, bigger picture, note...crazy events going down at the Capital last week. RC and I have been glued to CNN off and on over the last nine days, and the time is slowly ticking down to the inauguration next Wednesday. From a psychological perspective, I'm fascinated by the back stories, and the sociopolitical dynamics that led up the this scary and terrible event. But on an emotional, human level, I'm horrified this happened and grateful that it wasn't worse. Several people lost their lives, though, and it seems so sad and pointless. I do hope that the silver lining is Trump will be out of the Republican Party and out of politics for good. Stay safe everyone, sending love and good wishes!

p.s. I'm about to enter the world of toddler sensory bins. We don't have a Flisat or sensory table, but, as of today, I have purchased a couple of bins, rainbow rice, corn starch, beans, and various tools for manipulating the materials and for hiding. I'll let you know how it goes soon.

p.p.s. I missed delurking week, but I would love to hear from anyone who is reading. It is encouraging to me. Thank you!

Pre-Birthday and Christmas Musings

Here we are in Holiday Season again, though in, what many argue is, the year from Hell. Terrible opening, I know, but I don't really have much energy today. 😏

We, along with a lot of other people, chose to get our Christmas tree exceedingly early, so we've been enjoying that since just before Thanksgiving. I bought us some very cute Christmas stockings off Etsy. I'm not disappointed with the aesthetics, at all, but I can't help but compare them to the stockings we had growing up with were bigger and softer and just as cute, if not more. Oh well. I really like looking at them hanging on our mantle, reminding me that I have my OWN FAMILY now! I have wanted my own family (a husband, a child, or both) for most of my adult life and at the mid-century point, I have both a husband and darling daughter (plus two pets). Pretty amazing, really, and I'm very grateful. 

Honestly, though, I must admit my husband is getting on my last nerve at the moment. Sometimes, he can be judgmental and try and fix things, versus be understanding and compassionate, but he won't own that. He will respond with something like, "I'm sorry I'm not saying things the way YOU want me to say them!" Argh! So simplified and not responding to my specific comment or request. 

Anyway...overall, I am very grateful. :) We went to my Aunt and Uncle's house yesterday to make Christmas cookies, and Ellie was able to spend a little time with her cousin, playing with dolls and toddling around the house exploring all the new and different decorations - and causing Mommy to run over and save a decoration or two at times, but it was pretty cute. This Aunt is my Mother's sister (my mom who passed away when I was four), and I've missed seeing her this last year. 

As a side note, I know everyone has their own level of comfort with risk, and beliefs about COVID policies. I wear a mask and believe in following guidelines and policies, but, when it comes to close family, I'm of a little different mind. Maybe because I experienced the death of a parent so young or because I've experienced multiple other family deaths of people with whom I was close, but you never know when it will be the last time or the last holiday or the last year with someone. And no, I don't want to put them at risk, but you have to weigh the level of risk on each side. As for me, I want to spend potentially the last few holiday visits with my father and my Aunt, and I want them to know Ellie and for there to be memories and pictures of Ellie with them for her to look back on and treasure. That matters to me a lot and is worth the small level of increased risk versus isolating. We are washing hands, using sanitizer, cleaning surfaces, and it was a fairly small group yesterday. Others would strongly disagree, and I respect that, but to me, it is worth it.

My birthday is Wednesday, and I don't think we are going to get together with others for that, so probably get some yummy dinner in and do cake and presents as a little family. Christmas Day, those of us in my immediate local family agreed we wanted to do Christmas morning and opening stockings on our own, in our own houses, then we will likely get together at my sister's house to open presents and have dinner. These are the folks that have been periodically gathering together all along this year, so you could call us a "pod" at this point.  

I have almost all my Christmas shopping done; the vast majority online, which is a little weird. We bought Ellie her first table and chair, which are Montessori design and fit together in a cute, space-saving way. I also found a Play-skool Noah's Arc, which has a nostalgic meaning to me, as I had a similar arc I loved to play with at my Grammy's when I was little. Additionally, we actually bought a princess tent with glow-in-the-dark stars for my young niece, but my brother told me she already has one so we are giving it to Ellie. The more I think about it, I believe she will love it! A couple other little things, but those are the main presents for her. I'm as excited for her to get gifts as I am to get my own, if not more!

I'll end this disjointed post by sharing a little about Ellie's current developments...she is walking and even semi-running (walking quickly?) everywhere and does this adorable thing where she puts her arms down and turns them up behind her like she's holding a cape and walks one direction, turns around, walks the other direction, turns around, etc. So cute! She has recently climbed all the way up our fairly steep stairs, so that's something we now child proof with a gate when she's out of the blocked-off living room area. She still loves exploring and reading books and delicately flips through the pages of her books on her own, sometimes talking in a certain character voice from that book. 

She also babbles to herself like she's pretending or talking in character sometimes when playing with toys or animals. She says a few words (num-num for food and boobs, mama and mommy, dada and daddy, meow, neigh, bah for ball, and then she'll repeat things I say one time but usually won't repeat herself again), and it feels like she'll take off talking at any moment. We can't get enough of her dancing; she bops up and down in the most endearing way. We danced a lot when she was extra fussy/colicky as a tiny baby and her father and I met each other through a dance group, so she has dancing in her bones. 

I plan to try and blog a little more. When I do write, it seems I have quite a bit to say, and I think writing is grounding for me. I am currently working with four clients, the most I've had since moving to Oregon, and that is grounding, too, actually, to exercise my professional self. 

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and/or Happy Holidays to All! Sending lots of love and hope you have some joy coming your way as this crazy year comes to an end.

FET Update #1 (finally!) and holiday events

Okaaaay, I just did the awesome thing where I type the whole post almost, then hit the wrong button and it's deleted. Argh! Okay, I will try a bulleted post to capture main points...

Significant and thrilling developments towards my FET cycle:

• Started my period last Saturday!
• With my period starting, I was able to resume my supplements, including pre-natals and Pentoxifylline (blood flow related). Yay for pills!
• Began taking birth control pills on Monday.
• Received my FET schedule yesterday... baseline ultrasound on the calendar for next week, likely after Christmas, and my embryo transfer scheduled for January 24th!!! Woo hoo!

Check in about my birthday:

• I'm 50 now and would never have guessed when I was young that I would be trying to have a baby now. Life is surely unpredictable.
• RC planned awesome activities for Saturday starting with brunch and moving into a scavenger hunt/amazing race type activity in our new hometown downtown area. Even having grown up here, I learned some things (i.e. Senator Morse! Cool guy!). 
• Then we went to a UO basketball game that evening, and he had arranged a super sweet message to appear on the reader board at halftime. ❤️
  
• Sunday evening with family was okay. Mostly the same chaotic, everyone talking, loud family dynamic that often happens when we all get together. Not so fun for an introvert. But I received some great presents, including double-date night dinner/concert tickets with my brother and sis-in-law to see Big Head Todd and the Monsters, a band popular in Colorado when I went to school there. Awesome! Then we just opened Xmas presents from/for my sister and her family, since they're going out of town, and ended the evening eating some cake. 
• No karaoke. :( But I did practice the Molly Shannon monologue from SNL, "I'm 50!" and shared it with people several times. You're welcome, family. "...And I can KICK, streeeeetch, and KICK!" lol

Monday was a downer after all the intensity, but I feel good now and am moving into what feels like "Christmas-time Phase 2." We took my older niece and nephew out to sing carols, drink hot chocolate, and look at Christmas lights last night, and this afternoon, my brother will bring my little nieces over to make Christmas cookies. Oh, and I got my first career counseling client in Eugene, y'all! First session tomorrow, and he paid already!

Having the dates to look forward to on the calendar for this cycle definitely adds to my holiday cheer. We are having conversations about one embryo or two again, after the discovery of my clotting mutation (heterozygous for prothrombin), but since I'll be on lovenox, I hope it's a minimal risk. More on that later.

Happy Holidays to Everyone!

p.s. RC and I have had some productive conversations, since I wrote the post on feeling challenged with some of his moods/behaviors. We solved our financial crunch for now, and have moved forward with ring design/selection. :) We are also reading a great book together about how to handle emotions/anger in ways that align with your values and goals. It's about the ACT process. Very helpful and hopeful.

Christmas Conversations and Hand-me-downs

Writing this from Oregon, sitting in my sister's beautiful new remodeled kitchen. I'm staying here and have the house to myself since my sister and her family spent Christmas with my bro-in-law's family in the Bay Area and are all in Lake Tahoe over New Year's.

This house was my mom and dad's house until my mom passed away a couple of years ago and my dad moved into a townhouse a few months later. I had a really good talk last night with my brother about some resentments I was carrying towards my sister and how she acquired the valuable belongings in this house, many of which I had grown up with and had an attachment too, as well. My brother said that after my mother died, my dad totally "checked out" and left my sister to deal with and go through the ENTIRE house, which was filled to the brim with my mom's stuff (mom was sort of a closet hoarder, i.e. she threw nothing away but it was neatly and tightly packed in every drawer, closet, and cupboard of the house). I do remember my sister having to do this but didn't fully understand how my dad checked out.

Additionally, I didn't understand that he basically both gave her this task and said that she could take over the furnishings and items in the house. My sister and bro-in-law had bought the house from him (at a very good price I imagine), and he said everything in it, other than the furniture, dishes, and other items he took with him, was theirs. And, even though it's hurtful and I would have liked him to think of me, these are his items to give.

My sister did ask me to go through a bunch of items last Christmas and take what I wanted, but these were items she didn't want and were to be given away shortly after. These were not valuable items, but some I took because they had sentimental value. There are a few items I see as I walk around the house this week that I would love to have. I think I would feel a bit better if I had at least received the one jewelry item that was clearly mine to have - a shoe charm that represented me on a necklace she wore. Each child was represented by one shoe. My sister said she put it down for me in the stuff I went through, but I don't remember her telling me that, didn't find it, and, also, why would you put a valuable jewelry item in with everything else? I'm really sad that it seems like it's lost for good.

But talking through the way everything unfolded with my brother lessens the resentment I feel. I know it was a big burden on my sister AND my dad basically was the person to make the call and he gave everything to her. There are some things in life that are beyond our control. My dad has held a grudge against me since I made a couple of poor financial decisions about 15 or 20 years ago (yes, the man knows how to carry a grudge), so that likely played a role.

This grudge was the other part of the conversation with my brother that was valuable to me. Talking through my anger around it helped me further sort through what "Dad's stuff" and what was "my stuff," and how I still need to "take care of my side of the street" with regard to financial mistakes I made that my dad experienced as painful betrayals. So, I renewed my intention to fix these mistakes as best I can now, in the present, and my brother agreed to remind me of this intention. I am also writing this intention here in the blog so you all can bear witness and I can be reminded when I re-read this post.

I did have some quality time with Dad on Christmas. After spending Christmas eve and morning at my brother's with his family and my Dad and his girlfriend/partner, Mary, my brother and family left to spend the rest of the day with my sis-in-law's family in Corvallis. I went to the house where I'm staying and had a bit of a rest and a shower, then spent the rest of the day and evening at Mary's house with her and my Dad. There were a couple of difficult moment where I felt a little hurt at my Dad's responses, but for the most part it was a good time. We had some nice dinner conversation and shared laughter, I got to know Mary better, and we all watched part of a movie before calling it a night.

Yesterday, I got to soak up some love with my Aunt, Uncle, and cousin and family, talking about my adoption plans and my aunt's and cousin's experience of her adoption, as well as eating comfort food and doing a little craft with the kids. Then, I went to my brother's and made and decorated gingerbread men with my four-year-old cousin, V. Her attention span was pretty short but she managed to do a little mixing, roll the dough a bit, and decorate two cookies. :)

Also, to end on a super exciting note for me, my brother gave me a bunch of clothes and baby/toddler items to take home! He has two girls, but I did find some gender neutral clothing and also took a few cute girls dresses and shirts in case I am placed with a girl. He also gave me: a baby bjorn and the other kind of baby carrier (can't remember the name but one faces in and one faces out); a stroller good for a baby under one-year (so may or may not be useful but it's a nice stroller in which the seat rotates to face you or face out); a bouncy swing that fastens to a door frame; a little rocking horse and a scooter I used when I was little; and a bunch of toys, including an activity table and electronic pull-toy and music maker. He also gave me some bottles and bottle equipment.

It was so fun going through the clothing and choosing items to take with me. Even though placement will not happen for several months at the earliest, I am loving the preparation process! And it will be great to show my progress to the social worker on January 10th.

Good News, Bad News, and a Silver Lining

I have some good news: I got the Santa Rosa adjunct counseling position! Felt so excited to get the call earlier today and am enjoying doing the onboarding paperwork to make things official. The bad news is that I was told not long after by the department chair that there were currently no assignments for me for spring semester. Here is her email below and I would love your perspective on how hopeful I should be that something might come up:

"Congratulations on getting into the counseling adjunct pool. I am sorry that we did not have an opportunity to meet during the interview process.

As of right now, we do not have an identified counseling assignment for the spring semester. However, I wanted to check in with you about your weekly availability should an assignment become available. I’d appreciate knowing this information as we move forward in determining our coverage needs."

What do you think? On the one hand, she says they do not have an identified counseling assignment. On the other hand, why would she say, "...should an assignment become available," and, "...as we move forward in determining our coverage needs." It seems like there must be a chance or why would she even bring it up? I am still hoping. 

I wrote back that I currently had self employment hours on Tuesday from 3-7pm and am working 15 hours at a non-profit, but that I have flexibility about when I work those hours. Please send good thoughts!

In other not-so-good news, my drive to Oregon has been delayed by a snow storm over the Siskyou mountains coming through tomorrow. I do not have a snow-friendly car, nor do I have (or want to wrestle with) snow chains. It looks like Saturday clears up, so my intention is to leave very early Saturday to get up there and be part of Christmas eve dinner. The silver lining is that my sister, brother-in-law, and oldest niece and nephew are driving down to see my bro-in-law's family here in Northern California, so I will see them and go to a nice dinner with everyone tomorrow evening. I would have been sad to have missed J and E.

I got my nieces and nephew toys/gifts but I made candles for the adults. I'm happy with how they turned out and even added different layers of color. I forgot to take pictures but will try and remember when they are unwrapped.

Off to bed now. Tomorrow will be about getting my expired license renewed, going to the store to get various beans for a Christmas eve veggie dish and a couple cookie ingredients, then see if I have time to make said cookies before the dinner tomorrow night. If not, I'll just make them in Oregon.

I also plan to look at and possibly buy a crib - white in color, in very good condition according to owner, and has good reviews (though is discontinued) - as I move towards making my house "placement ready." Yay!  I'm also planning to pick up a few items from my brother while in Oregon, though he gave the crib they had to their house cleaner who had a baby last year. Oh well. In my crib research, it seems they range in price from around 160 to 500, and this one is offered for 100 complete with mattress and cute bedding. And most now convert to a toddler bed, as does the one I'm seeing tomorrow, which is especially helpful since the child may be a newborn up to two-years.

Sending you all love and blessings for the holiday and New Year!

Frenetic! and Festive

Next week is one of those weeks where multiple significant and stressful events pile on in succession... I'm not feeling too overwhelmed, but looking ahead resignedly and starting to gear up - while at the same time holding on to my holiday cheer.

After my post about wanting to settle in for a while and not continue to put effort into applying and interviewing for better-paying jobs, two colleges simultaneously managed to motivate themselves at the very last minute to schedule interviews before the holidays. So, I find myself committed to two early morning interviews on Wednesday and Thursday next week; one way up in Santa Rosa and the second one in Napa.

I am trying to feel hopeful and excited about these opportunities but honestly, I just don't. I do not even want to prepare, though I'm sure I will make myself, if not this weekend, then Tuesday, spend some time doing so. They are both, of course, stupid panel interviews, and one has NINE people attending. Ridiculous. How many people does it take to make a decision? Apparently nine.

If I had to choose, I would choose Napa, as it is only a half hour drive and would not require me to move. The Napa job, however, would require me to quit my non-profit job and dramatically scale back on my business for now. The Santa Rosa job is a part-time position, so theoretically, I could work two days there, two days at the non-profit, and a few hours in my business and make a good living - but both the non-profit and SR jobs are located such that I would need to move, likely to Petaluma, a town between the two locations. Am I really willing to move when I have so many good things happening where I live now, including my adoption process?

My finances are such that I can't, in good conscience, cancel either of these interviews, so I guess I will just take it a step at a time. But excited about them? No.

Additionally, I am committed to leading my career transition meet-up Tuesday evening, which has quite a few sign-ups (potential clients) this month. And, Thursday afternoon I'm scheduled for my first home interview with the adoption social worker. I'm looking forward to this but definitely have a few nerves about it. In a generous act that relieves some stress, however, my housemate gave me an early Christmas present and hired a cleaner to come the Monday before, so the house will be polished up for her visit!

Sounds like enough for the week, right? Nope, my birthday is Friday! No big plans, though, maybe a drink with friends. Despite the stress and busyness this week, I refuse to lose my holiday spirit. I attended our small and joyful staff holiday party last night for the non-profit, made peppermint cookie dough last week, have been enjoying the Christmas lights going up, and we plan to decorate a tree this weekend. ho ho ho!

Lots Happening Over Here

Much has happened this last week...

S and I were denied on our co-housing bid! On very short notice, we heard of this co-housing development, toured the construction at an open house, and put our hats in the ring. Honestly, it was an awkward and challenging process, and S and I learned as much about each other and working as team as we did about the community and their requirements and opportunities. The super enticing part of this co-housing development for me was - well, of course living in co-housing, in which you have your own separate unit, as well as share a large common kitchen, common space, and community meals and activities - but also that we could buy in at 2% and work our way up to 5-10% ownership in the LLC. For S and I, who don't have huge savings, this was an exciting avenue for ownership and increased security.

But it was not to be... I found the four people who were current members and "in charge" of the process to be woefully inadequate at group facilitation, as well as just generally not very warm and welcoming. To make it worse, the head guy who started the project and secured the financing, thought he was a *great* facilitator and just generally had a very high opinion of himself.

Additional factors included S and I having a couple of drinks at an event before the first group meeting and S talking a bit too much (which could easily have been managed by a skilled facilitator). It wasn't some drunken tirade or anything, just a little too verbose, which the head guy actually brought up to him at a separate meeting with us (!) and S responded non-defensively and positively. Also, they wanted people of color, as all four of them are white and they want to represent the diversity of the neighborhood. This is positive but also difficult, as the starting group is not diverse.

In any case, I think it's for the best it didn't work out and am hopeful we will find a better situation for us. Part of moving forward with that is clarifying what type of place we want and where we want to be located... complicated by the fact that I may find a part or full-time counseling job in a number of cities in the B@y Area. My business is growing, but I am not yet ready to completely rely on it financially. Overall, an exciting planning process, actually! But some stress, too.

Also, since I mentioned my birthday in the last post, I wanted to share that it was a great day and night! Mani-Pedi was lovely and relaxing, I did a bit of Xmas shopping, as well, and then met S for appetizers and drinks at a fun and surprisingly tasty upscale vegan restaurant, then moved down the street to another cozy restaurant with a lovely ambiance and waitstaff for dinner. Chocolate Pot for dessert - yummm.

I am doing very well with Christmas preparations for Oregon but suddenly here we are - leaving tomorrow morning! Ack! I still have some shopping to do, Zoey needs a bath, and I need to pack! What I have done is make banana bread and cookies, do all the laundry, including Zoey's, and do much of the shopping. So. many. people. to shop for, and I'm once again thinking longingly of the families that pick one person out of a hat or just buy presents for the kids. Ah well, it will be nice on Christmas. Speaking of which, I better get going on my long list for today! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas! I will check in again from Oregon...

p.s. S seems to have wrapped his head around being a Dad and a Grandpa (his young daughter - early 20s - had a baby this year), and we have been talking about possibilities... Of course, we need to get through the next phase of his treatment.

Holiday Hustle

December is clipping along... I can't believe my birthday is next week. I made my Christmas shopping list for family, though on reflection, I should probably lower the budget, as my income is uncertain starting in late January. I will get one more full paycheck from the college on January 10th, then will be working a four-day counseling gig in mid-January as part of a math support intersession program. I also will begin receiving unemployment in January, though it will obviously be much less than my regular paycheck.

Good news on the business front: I now have five clients! Yay! I just signed another one on Friday for a two month package. My goal is to increase that number to 10 in the next two months; wish me luck!

I still need to figure out how to plan for dramatic monthly income variations, due to some clients paying for counseling packages up front, then not paying anything for the next couple of months. I imagine part of strategy for managing this is figuring out your average monthly income, then budgeting for that amount. But I also want to have a way to calculate the necessary rate of new clients I need to sign each month to maintain my desired level of income. I can see that will vary depending on whether I am signing clients for four sessions, six, or eight. If I have 10 clients, theoretically I am bringing in 2200+ a month, but most clients thus far are not paying monthly. I'd actually prefer they pay monthly, as I think it through, though of course it's exciting and fun to get large payment sums up front (at least for me who is still new at this). For now, I think I will aim for the number 10 and seek to maintain it. Does this make sense to you business-minded folks out there?

In "holiday event" news, S and I went out to my pre-birthday dinner last night and then to a beautiful and inspiring men's choir concert. S knows one of the choir members from work, and he had a solo, which was fun. The music spanned continents, cultures, and centuries, and many of the songs were in different languages. I found this interesting because when you don't know the words, you appreciate the musicality of the song, aside from meaning - a different perspective for word-oriented folks like me. S liked the Latin songs, and I did, too, but I also enjoyed the German songs. Part of the concert was a sing-a-long with traditional Chr1stmas songs, so we were given a fun chance to do some caroling. The restaurant was okay... took forever to seat us and the atmosphere was loud, but the Spanish tapas food was super yummy.

Lots more events this week: Repub debate on Tuesday with kids xmas shopping beforehand (S is very political and likes to watch all the debates, even though he's a dem, and we like watching them at this cool local theatre with food and drink); my official bday on Wednesday, for which we're meeting for happy hour drinks and appetizers, one of my favorite things to do; and finally S's holiday work party on Thursday at what looks to be quite a nice location in downtown SF. Monday, I have an alternative networking event with a more conscious bent to it... I generally dislike networking events but I'm giving this one a chance and am attending with two friends from my business program. I hope my Introvert can survive all the socializing! ha

My saving grace will be having daytime off on Monday and Wednesday, so I can get some down time. I'm going to get an inexpensive pedicure on Wednesday for my birthday, which will be a nice pampering experience; plus, my shoes for Thursday are open-toes and no one wants to see my feet, as they are!

I hope you are enjoying the holiday festivities and finding down times to rest and escape the hustle and bustle. 

Finances, Fellowship, and Festivity

First of all, I'm happy to report that I am getting some traction with my business! I had my first month of bringing in over $1000 (around $1500) and sold my first 6-session career counseling package. I admit I did the happy dance on that one. If you're willing, please send positive thoughts to keep the flow going.

Then yesterday, S offered to contribute his marketing expertise to help me generate more leads through social media, blog posts, and newsletters. He wants to create a business providing these services to clients, so I am his guinea pig. It's a definite win-win!

In other financial news - hope this isn't too boring - I spoke with my financial advisor friend yesterday, and she is setting me up to manage my money on Quicken, which also has reporting features to help with planning and decision making around how many clients I need to maintain and bring in per month for relative financial stability. This is all new and I'm so grateful for the support.

I still plan to apply to any open part-time counseling positions I find, as well. In fact, I have a lead for the college in Napa where my friend and former colleague works, which I will apply for today.

On the relationship front, S and I did some shopping over the weekend, and he bought me an early birthday present of a fancy, sequined dress and matching sparkly shoes for two upcoming parties: his work Christmas party next week and the NYE party at my family's athletic club in Oregon. We also bought him a very nice lavender dress shirt to wear. I'm excited to attend his work party, as work is an area he has compartmentalized during all of our previous time together. I have never met his co-workers or attended any work functions and am looking forward to seeing that side of him.

We also had a counseling appointment over a week ago, shortly after Thanksgiving. It went okay, though we didn't yet create agreements for how we will handle communication when one or both of us are triggered and tension starts to escalate. I made sure to request that be forefront on the agenda for our next meeting. We did, however, have a vulnerable exchange in which I said I didn't want our relationship to be threatened by these type of conflicts. I want our commitment to be stronger than that, and a bit later (I felt very vulnerable in the meanwhile!), he said he wanted that, too.

Then, last night, after a little bickering where I felt criticized and unwanted, he reassured me that he wants me, that despite things he might prefer were different, he loves me and specifically wants "me." I'm not sure if this is coming across very clearly, but it was a significant moment. He has hesitated in reassuring me during these moments in the past.

Oh, and we bought and decorated a little Christmas tree last Thursday. It's so cute and festive and is bringing good cheer during this darker, colder month of December. S is coming over tonight, so we will have the chance to enjoy it more together. :)

Christmas Wrap-Up and Happy New Year!

I made it back from Oregon Sunday night with relative ease.  I would have liked to stay another day or so but my sister-in-law needed some alone time this week, which my brother let me know before my visit.  It was good to get home, and I know it was good for Zoey, too.

Christmas morning at my sister's was lots of fun; watching the kids open presents, drinking coffee and eating cinnamon rolls and quiche, and just general warm and cozy feelings.  I felt happy with the gifts I gave everyone, especially my nieces and nephew, (wish I could have spent more time with them to read the books, make baked clay objects, etc.), and my Dad (some nice long-sleeved t-shirts he wanted - he wore one the next day so I know he liked it :).

I received some nice shoes and workout clothes, but my favorite gift was the awesome travel suitcase for teaching.  Last year, I lugged around my files/books in an over the shoulder bag or large purse, jeopardizing the well-being of my back and shoulders.  This suitcase is perfect and has several compartments for organization and an extendable handle for rolling it along with ease behind me.  Can't wait to use it next semester! *As a side note, the number of registered students in my class has ballooned over the last couple weeks from 10 to 27!

Dinner that night at my brother's was another cozy gathering, the only drawback being my sister's family, including oldest niece and nephew, J and E, were leaving the next morning for a family trip down to the Rose Bowl so they had to cut the evening a bit short.  I feel sad and miss my nieces and nephew, especially J, but hopefully I will see them again in not too long.

Two last trip highlights:  Having a mellow, connecting breakfast with my mom and dad, which I have enjoyed the last couple trips up there, and having a night out with my two older cousins, who were like sisters to me when I was younger.  My cousins are big drinkers, so that night was pretty alcohol-focused, but we had some really good conversations about family, work, and our parents (who are brothers/cousins).  Our family (my dad's side) are not very communicative, so I was surprised to find out that one cousin's father had cancer - luckily very treatable - this last year, and his wife had a preventative mastectomy.  She, in turn, did not know about my mom's illness.  My dad later said he had told her dad, who I guess had not yet passed the information on to her.  Anyway, it was good to see them and share stories and laughs.  I did end up a little too drunk and paid for it the next day.  Note to self: stay away from hard liquor. 

Oh, and I also spend a lovely afternoon on Christmas Eve at my Aunt and Uncle's house, opening presents and eating a meal with my one cousin's family, which includes two little girls about my niece and nephew's age, and my other cousin's son, who my Aunt and Uncle adopted since my cousin has been unable to get his act together.  His wife is mentally ill, and he is currently in prison - I am sure fetal alcohol syndrome has unfortunately played a big role in his life decisions (he was adopted).  In any case, this is my birth mom's side of the family, and I am coming to appreciate having them in my life more and more (even though we don't share education or political backgrounds).  I feel a lot of love when I am with them.

This post is getting really long, but I also want to share some New Year's reflections.

 
I spent the day yesterday doing a reflective exercise that my ex-life coach shared with her past and present clients.  It included writing out your top 10 joys/wins/celebrations, your top 10 disappointments/failures, and what learnings you want to carry forward into the new year.  I culled the lists down to the top five or six in each category below:

Joys/Wins/Celebrations

1. Completing the Ecology of Leadership program and insights and connections that came out of that, including perspective on the disconnection that can come up for me in groups.  Clarified social change theatre goal and met a few times with interested people.
2. Successfully completing my first college teaching experience in Spring and second in Fall; third to follow next semester.  It can be arduous, but I am liking it and starting to have sense of competence.  Also, my new work collaboration that may lead to writing a book together...
3. Moving to Alameda! Was sick of my Oakland neighborhood and feeling it was not a good fit for me.  This place is not perfect but definitely better.  I’ve settled in and we’ll see what new year brings…
4. Making trips to Oregon regularly.  Prioritizing and nurturing family connections, including taking several actions on behalf of my mom (as a way to support her in lieu of emotional sharing, which she does not currently seem to want).
5. Zoey!  Our companionship – continuing to love and appreciate her.  She brings a lot of joy and play into my life.   
6. Starting to work out at the YMCA.

Disappointments/Failures/Losses – 2014

1. Threat of loss/challenge with mom’s illness. Don’t know what will happen so feels uncertain and scary at times.
2. Didn’t get two full-time counseling jobs after interviewing.
3. Dating life is a big failure with capital “F” (haha).  Lately been dating, tried to meet people – went on couple dates but weren’t that great.  Trying to be positive/optimistic and keep putting myself out there… realize I need to go out more into circles I have been meaning to attend.   (NVC, HSP, Transition, EOL, etc.)  Open to wherever he may show up.
4. It not being as different as I hoped it would be at the new house.  Tend to create same channels/habits.  Still looking for more creative outlets and creative collaboration.  
5. Loss of more functional backyard at old house – especially with regard to Zoey (but gained a lot as well).

What I learned and want to bring with me with purpose into 2015:

1. Support and love can be shown through conscientious actions on behalf of someone. (Mom and actions taken this year) Give love in the way the person is open to receiving it.  Family is valuable and worth nurturing these connections, even when challenging.
2. Wherever I go there I am. Physical location change does not equal a change in habits or lifestyle – that emerges from within and supported by routine/rituals.  But availability of resources and the aesthetic environment adds to quality of life (Alameda vs. Oakland).
3. Theatre/Dance Performance – physical/creative expression - and sharing that expression - is a strong drive and best manifests for me within a collaborative container or focused on performance or meaningful purpose.
4. I am open again to foster/adopt and housemate seems open, as well, to me possibly doing that here… plan to continue moving forward with inquiry.
5. Excited about possible book collaboration (and art collective in Berkeley).  Continue to take next steps.  Increase in income through increased counseling hours or increasing number of outside clients. 
6. Dating through internet not working well for me… need to get out a little more through groups that fit my values/interests.

Wishing you many blessings in the New Year!!!  If you haven't commented before or haven't commented in a while, please take a moment to say "hi" in the comments below.  I look forward to following your journeys and continuing to share my own in 2015. 

Happy New Year 2014! Trip updates and happenings with men...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!  I hope you all had a fun and/or meaningful and/or relaxing NYE.  I went to a family-friendly, dress up karaoke party at my friend's house, which ended up being a good time. 

My few days in Oregon went well, but my dad shared some news the first day I was back that gave me, and the rest of my family, a jolt.  You can skip this part if you would prefer not to hear bad news at this time.

Basically, my step-mom recently found out that she has breast cancer.  While it is apparently aggressive, it seems they think it is likely isolated and can be treated with several months of chemotherapy to shrink the tumor.  They are doing further testing and will be able to confirm this in the next week or two, so please say a prayer for her to receive positive news (isolated tumor, very treatable, manageable) if you are willing.

My dad seems to be handling things fairly well, as far as I can tell.  He has been thinking about how he can support her in this journey and talking to her about that.  He is obviously afraid but seems present to what is happening and available to help her.  It was moving to me to talk to him about it.  As you might remember, my birth mother died from breast cancer when I was four (I have often said I believe she would have survived if diagnosed today), so this has got to be bring up a lot for him.

It does occur to me that it should bring up a lot for me, too... perhaps it is and I'm not conscious of it yet, but I do think my reaction is influenced by not having a close relationship with her, growing up or now.  I love her and deeply want her to heal from this, but it's from a bit more of a distance than if we were very close, if that makes sense.  In any case, it's a big thing we are going through as a family, and I appreciate your prayers.

Despite this difficult news, my visit there was a good one overall.  Of course, I spent time playing with my awesome niece and nephew, and trying to play with the one-year-old niece, as well, but she is still very attached to her mom and dad.  I was also able to spend time with an older cousin and her three-year-old adopted Korean son.  He is a friendly little guy, and we bonded quickly, as my cousin and I reminisced and shared family secrets.  Since I don't have siblings my age, it's nice to have a cousin I spent time with growing up, including on trips to Japan and Europe (we were sent on these trips by my grandparents in our teens).

Traveling with Zoey for the first time without S went remarkably well.  We stopped and went on walks every couple of hours and she integrated a bit more with the family - not actually running around but being in her crate and going on walks with me and various family members.  My nephew is still fearful of dogs, but I think he is slowly warming up to her and working through his fear; he was very curious and was able to go on walks with her and pet her back.  My niece Jayne loved playing chase with her.

On what might be a surprising note, since returning from Oregon, I have gone on one date (a walk around the lake and coffee) and have another one scheduled for tomorrow evening.  The first one won't likely lead to anything further, as the attraction wasn't really there, but it was quite pleasant.  I have hopes for the second one as he is "deep" - finishing a graduate program in transpersonal counseling - and seems attractive from his pictures.  I will let you know how it goes.

Nothing much to report on with S and our odd break-up... we are meeting again around the 10th to finally exchange Christmas presents.  It frustrated me, as I mentioned, that he told me of that trip he was taking on his way out of town, and then it was further frustrating when he insisted on waiting until after the 10th (following his meeting with the counselor) to exchange presents... but at the same time, perhaps we both really did need space.

Honestly, I have doubts at this point that we will be able to shift our dynamic to one that works for me.  Never say never, but we have been through so much and tried so hard, and something really big would need to change.  These recent experiences remind me of how he thinks and communicates, which feels unpredictable and not supportive of the intimacy I desire.

Today, I am grateful for the relaxed, unplanned time.  I ordered the book for my class and once it gets here - let's hope soon! - I will jump into active planning mode.  My surgery is still scheduled for January 31st, but I am not sure how that will work with my class and needing to take the following week off.  I wrote an email to my new supervisor giving her a heads up and asking how I might handle it.  But today I am pushing all that from my mind and enjoying the free time.  Hope you are, as well!  :-)

Shuffling and Meandering

I'm still here.  Sort of shuffling and meandering my way through the holiday season this year, so far.  It's not that I'm depressed, really; I just don't feel that inspired.

Good news:  I received my work assignments for next semester, and they were basically what I wanted.  Now, I'm super nervous about teaching my first college class.  It's kind of a loosey-goosey, unstructured class about college success and good habits around: study skills, organization, time-management, health and stress relief, etc.  If anyone knows any great resources, please let me know!  I've been given very little guidance so far and am starting to research and figure out the planning process and logistics on the fly.  Hopefully, I will have a couple of colleagues' syllabi for guidance.

Tomorrow morning will find Zoey and I on the road to Oregon for Christmas.  We will be staying at my brother's house and splitting holiday time between his family's, my parent's, and my sister's family's houses.  As usual, I imagine I will have some difficult feelings come up...

To that end, my leadership program gave me a new process called "Trigger Tracking" in which you look at your feelings and stories around a particularly charged situation and try to gain perspective on the "source event" that initially created this trigger.  In the end, the hope is to release some of the emotion associated with the source event and establish new beliefs or stories.  I tried it out on a trigger that came up for me yesterday at a Transition community organizing retreat and it worked pretty well, so I'll have it on hand to work with the family stuff.

By the way, my leadership program weekend went well - sorry for not reporting back on that.  The sleeping situation kind of sucked, as I was on the floor in a cold-ish room full of people, the one nearest me a snorer.  So, yeah, not much sleep.  But it was wonderful to roll out of bed and head out into the meadow for an early morning "sit" (sitting awareness meditation in nature) with a group of my compadres.  I enjoyed the increased sense of community and belonging, also.

On the break-up front, S took off to stay with a female friend this week.  I met her previously and don't believe there is any romance there, but it's interesting he took off after we had some nice connection on my birthday and were going to talk this week about "us" and future hopes that were recently verbalized.  I'm feeling it as a distancing maneuver and am glad in a way because I am in no way ready to let him back in to my heart.  I may never be ready, but when we are talking about meaningful topics and are both in a vulnerable place, old feelings do come up.  I can't help but feel closer to him.  So, it's better to get some space and focus on my own life.  I'm doing some dabbling in online dating as a distraction.

I hope to post over Christmas, but just in case:  Merry, Merry Christmas!  May your holiday be filled with warmth and light and love.

The Blahs

Checking in from Oregon.  Like many other folks out there, I've had a mixed emotion Christmas, tinged with melancholy.  

It's been wonderful to spend time with my niece and nephew, of course, and I'll be heading over to my sister's again in a little while for a last dinner and visit.  Watching them open and play with presents yesterday and goofing around with them was priceless.

But today, my mood has been hovering in the crabby zone, likely in part because I drank (along with my brother, sister-in-law, and brother-in-law) quite a bit last night - for me, at least.  I haven't felt hungover, just kind of blah and sad.

Not surprisingly, I'm also feeling melancholy about my relationship situation.  I wish I weren't, but I am.

We were sending some emails back and forth, continuing to process stuff, but I decided I need to step back emotionally.  We started talking as if we may get back together, but I can't go there while his ex is still staying with him.

And even then. . . I know there are no guarantees, but I need to have more faith that he will value my feelings in his future decision-making.  The way this whole things went down was super lame, and I'm still angry and hurt about it.

On my side of the fence, I need to decide if I can accept him and his imperfections enough to fully step over the line into commitment, and I'm not there yet.  So I emailed him that I needed to emotionally step back for now, considering our current context, and I hope he understood my perspective.

Which was the right thing to do for me.  But I'm still sad.

Ending on an up note:  I got an iPhone for Christmas, yippee!!!  And some extra money to cover the additional data plan cost for a few months!  Yay!  The phone ships on January fourth, so I have a wait a couple weeks, but I'm excited.

Tripping

I'm driving up to Oregon tomorrow for Christmas and have several things to accomplish today before that happens.  The hot fudge is completed at least and most other presents purchased.  I guess I'm looking forward to seeing my family (some of them anyway).

I'm still feeling sad but, after talking to sh/cm on Tuesday night, I'm not as darkly depressed.  Perhaps I'm in denial, because we are still broken up.  But it helped to talk through the situation with his ex, as well as other issues in our relationship.

Regarding his approach to the ex situation, talk about denial!  Despite the intense feelings I expressed multiple times on the subject, he still thought, "We'll get through it somehow, it will all be okay."  He described this as believing in the strength of our relationship; I call it being thick-headed and stubborn.

He did say he had shifted emotionally and understood my feelings, and admitted he would have had a problem if the situation were reversed (and I admitted most people would struggle with their partner living with someone of the opposite gender, which seemed to mean a lot to him).  I think it was something he believed he "had" to do, and clung to the belief that it would all work out somehow with the strategy of him staying at my place a lot, etc.

When the proverbial excrement actually hit the fan and she said she was coming for a month, we also had been having problems and he was hurt and angry, which played into the way he handled it.

Bottom line, I am deeply disappointed that he didn't communicate more openly with me as a partner, with consideration for both our needs and feelings.  I'm sad that he didn't initially empathize with my feelings and take them more seriously.  He shared that he believed both of our jealousy was "unsustainable" and would have to lessen.  And that I would get more emotionally stormy than him about things, and he saw his role as upholding medium and long-term goals.  Or something like that.

I see the point of not always "buying in" to my emotions, especially around certain times in my cycle, but this was an issue that goes back to the start of our relationship, had come up several times, and was much more deeply rooted.  I know my own reactions to it are partially fueled by my own issues and insecurities but that's part of what I want a partner to do, be sensitive and help reassure me in areas where I struggle.

Granted, we each need to take responsibility for our own issues/reactions versus making the other person wrong, which is easier said than done.  But, basically, I wanted him to care about my feelings and work together to find a way to deal with the situation that was tolerable for both of us.

The other topic I want to mention relates to his emotional wound or trauma (he describes it as a dark void), which he had recently gotten in touch with when we first got together.  He talked about wanting to actively work with it but never really started on that process, which is what he says he wants to do now.  We'll see.  But it takes hold of him at times and causes him to see me as a bad person or purposefully unloving or hurtful.  It's the worst feeling to be on the receiving end of this, and, looking back on our emails over the past several months, has sabotaged the strength and joy in our relationship many times.  I know that my issues around perfectionism, as well as the aforementioned jealousy/insecurity, have also caused problems and pain, so I'm certainly not without blame.

Anyway, sorry for the ongoing analysis!  I'm deep in it right now.  I did go on a date Monday night.  We looked at Christmas lights and all the festivities going on down in Union Square in San Fran.cisco.  It was enjoyable and he's an intelligent, good guy, but the attraction wasn't particularly strong.  I might go out with him again, just for equilibrium purposes, when I get back from Oregon.

As a side note, sh/cm gave me a romantic, loving card and bought me a huge book of Romantic/Post-Romantic poetry, which felt loving and like an effort of sorts.  He also insisted on giving me some money to deal with car stuff, which I initially resisted but ended up taking because I would not have had to spend this money if we had gone to Oregon together, as planned.  And we drank wine and spent some time kissing, which may not be a "good" thing but felt very good.

Cussing. Love. Christmas.

To follow up on a couple of things:

The field trip last Wednesday went great!  For me, at least. . . apparently one of the groups (the kids were divided into several groups that rotated through the different campus sessions such as Dental Assisting, and Health and Human Resources, etc.) had a few kids who were terrors.  They treated the Biotech professor so poorly that apparently she may not work with our program again.  And on one of the buses - not mine thank God - on the way back to the middle school, one of the girls told a very kind and helpful chaperone (a kid on the trip's parent no less) to "F$@k off!"  So, yeah, a few kids were suspended post-trip.  But my group was generally well-behaved, and I had a good day, so that's what matters, no?

I referred to a dark and confusing email from sh/cm in my last post.  Basically, he was upset because I didn't respond to a text he sent late Tuesday afternoon.  I was laid out on the couch at that point, nearly comatose, after teaching, but also I have to admit I was angry at him.  I had expressed some deep sadness in a phone call with him on Monday, the energy of which likely came from my past as well as the present situation, and he had not shown much if any compassion for me (granted, he was driving, but I still expected some mutterings of concern).

So, I didn't write him back right away and frankly forgot about it until we talked after my Interplay Theatre group later that night.  This triggered some old stuff in him, in turn - aren't relationships fun? - and he said in his email that he needed to "decouple."  Decouple?  Does anyone else think that sounds like "break up"?  He said in the next sentence that he wants to remain in a relationship but be less demanding of one another in communication.

In retrospect, I look at this email as a strategy he was using to get reassurance that I value him and love him.  But it was horrible for me to read.  So, long story short, there was some talking and crying on the phone yesterday, then he came over and we watched the Oregon Duck football game (Go Ducks!), ate pizza, spent some needed lovey/cuddly time, and talked through some stuff in-person, in a casual-type way (sometimes we get too intense!).  It was good, and I'm feeling a lot of love for him right now.

Going forward, he is going to try and tune in more when I express sadness and show his care and love.  And I am going to try and respond to his communication, even if it's not a "nice" response.  He stressed he would much prefer any response than none at all.  I also told him, though, that if I don't respond, I want "a pathway out" of the doghouse, or a way to be forgiven.  Sometimes, he gets stuck in making me wrong - or from his perspective get understanding and therefore achieve safety - and it feels horrible to be stuck there with him, being raked over the coals.  I'm feeling hopeful, now, that we've reached more clarity about our patterns and ways we can improve.

Side note:  In other relationships, I've experienced the pain and fighting but not the working through, understanding, becoming more intimate part.  So even though this may sound really hard, to me it's a good thing!

Christmasy!  Weekend!  First of a few, hopefully.  I'm heading out to a couple of holiday craft fairs and to pick up cookie ingredients and plan to spend the rest of the day getting my festive on at home.  I'll be digging out and sorting through the tree decorations for the tree we're getting tomorrow, then just puttering around making cookies.  A walk must be had somewhere in there, as well, because this day is too damn gorgeous to waste!

Hope you are enjoying your weekend, too.  Anyone else jumping into Christmas stuff yet?

p.s. No pregnancy signs to speak of yet at 9 days post-ovulation.  I've dropped and broken two things which seems odd.  Is clumsiness a sign?  And have been eating a lot, but, well, 'tis the season!

Premature Exhaustion

I. am. so. tired.

Reacclimating to normal life has been hard for some reason, even though we were only gone for a couple of days.  It might be premature exhaustion, in anticipation of my intense work week, I guess.  It's going to be all middle schoolers, all the time.

I don't think I mentioned it, but my teaching counterpart who teaches Thursdays is not getting along with the current 8th-grade English teacher with whom we're working.  So, my supervisor asked me to teach her remaining sessions, in addition to my own.  Plus, this week and next include one field trip day.

The positive side to this story is that I'm off after December 16th (my birthday!) for the rest of the month.  It will be nice holiday preparation-wise, but also working extra for the next two weeks will help balance the lost hours.

I know I'm a wuss compared to some of y'all, but as I've shared, this teaching (especially this age kids) really takes it out of me.  Thus, I'm mentally preparing to be tough and muscle through the next couple of weeks.  Wish me luck!

Next weekend will be all about Christmas stuff like buying and decorating a tree, so that will be a reward. . .