Big Changes

Sunday morning, April 22...beautiful day here in Northern California. Feeling grateful for the weekend and catching up on sleep after a hectic week, including a tech rehearsal for the Variety Show I'm producing for our program as drama club advisor, and the show is coming together, though I have felt like I am herding cats for much of the process. After next Thursday evening, the show will be complete, and I will have a lighter load.

I've been spending some time this weekend planning and thinking through action steps to prepare for moving in with RC at the end of May. We came up with this new plan after he had a mini-breakdown thinking of moving up here right now. He has lived in his place much longer than I have and will be getting rid of lots of stuff in the move. Also, he has a strong support system down there, and he just started an intensive 12-week online program to become a fitness trainer.

As we talked through it more fully, it does make sense that I put my stuff in storage and move down there. I have no work up here - he can work some part-time concert event hours down there at a winery - and I can get unemployment wherever I am located. Also, I am seeing it as an opportunity to really focus on creating my online introvert/professional career transition program.

The negatives include: his place is not very nice, as I mentioned earlier; I have pack up all my stuff again after doing that just a year ago; and we will be living on the Central Coast in a location that is less desirable than my current neighborhood.

I think the positives outweigh the negatives, though, and include: saving money through paying less rent and his additional income; simplifying my life so I can really focus on creating this online program; he and I spending quality time together this summer in-between both of us focusing on completing online programs - he from the student side and me from the counseling/coaching side; and giving him more time to sort through his stuff and decide what to get rid of, keep, or store.

The negatives are mediated by the fact that it will be time limited - two or three months at the most - after which we plan to move closer to family in Eugene or Austin! We have been talking about this since we met and will likely be taking a short trip in June to visit his family and check out Austin. At this point, Eugene is looking much more likely because he really liked it there and my family has the athletic club business where he could work part-time, to supplement his retirement income. But I'm open to falling in love with Austin and switching gears if both of us feel that way and see a positive future there. As a side note, I have applied for a job at the university in Eugene, which could definitely be a factor, as well.

Spending some time on the Central Coast also has perks in that I have a couple of friends to spend time with down there from when I lived in the area (where we met), and it really does have some beautiful hikes and state parks, some along the ocean. His friend has a winery, as well, which might be a benefit and a fun place to visit.

I guess overall it makes sense, but it's a huge pain in the immediate time frame of May when I will be packing up! He's coming down to help in a couple of weeks. I'm going to get a pod so that we don't have to unload the stuff into storage and can just move it up the coast to Oregon, if that's where we decide to settle, or to Austin if the ship turns in that direction.

Of course, my priority remains having a child through the California ivf donor egg program, and a big reason to save money is so that we can go forward with that in late July or August. It makes sense that we stay in California through August so that we can drive to complete the treatments there, versus having to fly. In the meanwhile, I have started working out and taking supplements and will continue to work towards being as healthy as possible before the transfer. Our next steps are my getting all the fertility tests done again, and he doing some tests then going through sperm extraction and freezing, probably at the end of June or beginning of July.

How's that for some big changes?

A Fertile Spring

Amazing to look at the calendar and see April 7th! RC left last Monday after a two-week stay.  It's weird how our time together seems to go through different "phases.". I guess we haven't settled into a routine or consistent pattern. For example, the first part of the trip was about co-housing and exploring a local co-housing community and open house. We talked a lot about how we would like to live in an intentional community like that for the benefits of community meals and events, resource sharing, and a child growing up in a loving extended family-type environment.

The second phase was getting matching tattoos from a well-known local tattoo place. I will add a picture to this post later, but I'm happy with how they turned out. Lots of pain, however. Yes, you do feel like a badass and yes, you do get an endorphin rush that is very interesting and relieving when it finally kicks in. Getting these tattoos brought home the level of commitment we are making.

After the tattoos, I experienced what I might call a minor emotional backlash, in which I felt questioning and at times judgmental towards RC and the ways that we are different. We continued our reading in a spiritual relationship book, which opened up sadness about this backlash and it's impact on our relationship. I talked about my worry a little bit; that it's come up when I don't feel he's tuning in or really listening to me, especially with regard to ideas or intellectual thoughts, and that I was afraid we may not be as compatible on that level as I would like.

In this conversation, I learned more about him and his engineering background, and I felt reassurance that he cared and wanted to listen to me in a way that met my needs to matter and feel like he was interested in my thoughts. I recognized that my distancing through judgment is toxic and gets in the way of experiencing the love and joy that both of us want to feel. I'm trying to remember that and make adjustments when I slip into this pattern that started long before him.

In the next phase, we drove to Sacramento for a Cal IVF consultation, which was VERY exciting to both of us, to say the least. We talked there and back about it in the car, then went out for drinks and food and talked some more. I researched information on questions that came up, including supplements and other strategies to support implantation, as well as donor IVF statistics, etc.

The first step is for RC to go through a sperm extraction process, which a specialist does at the center. We weren't sure how reliable or successful this process would be, but he was beyond encouraging, giving 96% odds of healthy, usable sperm samples. We could then choose an egg donor, looking at pictures and background information, that hopefully resembles me. They require ICSI with the IVF procedure. If it doesn't work, then statistically we should have frozen embryos for a second try. RC looked up financial information and said he could borrow from his retirement account to cover costs.

But...later on, he had a lot of anxiety come up around adding to his debt load right now. He would have to pay back the money on his retirement account, apparently, and it would add a substantial monthly payment to current expenses. The last couple of nights he didn't sleep very well because he was anxious about this, but either he wasn't fully aware of why he was anxious or he wasn't able to tell me for some reason. In any case, it created a little tension in the last couple days before he left.

After he got home, he reflected and wrote about it, becoming more clear about his feelings so he could share them with me. Right now, he is doing some work on his budget/spending plan, and we are both talking about how we can afford the extra payments. The way I'm seeing it now (and hoping and praying for) is that we could move forward in August or September. In the meanwhile, we can work on getting more healthy, eating well, doing required fertility testing and choosing a donor. Financial changes coming down the pike include:

• He is currently completing a three-month fitness-trainer certification program, which guarantees employment and will add to our income.
• Although I am not working at the college this summer, I will receive unemployment, then start teaching my three classes (an increase in the income I have been receiving) in mid-August.
• As soon as school ends next month, I will begin attending the local BNI business networking chapter to increase local contacts and client referrals. By this Tuesday, I also plan to publish a newsletter and schedule a new local Meetup event, also in hopes of connecting with new clients. The two clients who just finished their sessions with me have also said they may want additional help in a month.
• Lastly, when RC moves here on May 19th, he will start paying half the rent, which will open up more money in my budget to cover the IVF loan payment (first to cover my budget shortage on unemployment, then to cover the payment).

Regarding the adoption plan, we have been feeling torn. My agency has said they do not want clients pursuing fertility treatments at the same time as trying to adopt. Our energy and excitement right now is towards the donor IVF option. So, I think right now, we will likely focus on that, but I am worried about stepping back from that route after all the effort I've put towards it. I think it's probably the right thing to do, though...

Overall, however, many developments to happily anticipate. I'm so glad Spring is slowly slipping into view. Flowers blooming and smelling heavenly, temperature creeping up. It seems timely, as our energy and excitement are rising, as well.