We are in limbo-land this week because the Beta did not drop. It was around 20 on Monday, so we re-test this Monday, fingers crossed.
It's so frustrating because we had a tentative cycle calendar which had us transfer at the end of October. Now, from what the nurse told me previously, the earliest we could transfer would be November 12th. :( This is an issue not just because it's so hard to be in limbo, but also because we are trying to make a move to my hometown in Oregon, and were planning on the beginning of November. We still may do that, but would then need to make a seven-and-a-half hour drive to the clinic for the transfer.
The good news is that we could get all the testing and ultrasounds done locally, but that's a tough drive to make and not ideal to do shortly after transferring. We will see how things unfold. The first hurdle is getting my d@mn Beta to drop, so please send good thoughts for us on Monday.
I have been feeling okay; a little occasional very light cramping and old blood spotting. I have continued taking the birth control pills, per doctor's orders, as well as the Trental medication for uterine blood flow. My mood has been okay generally, but it seems like I have less patience and tolerance than usual; RC and I have had some frustrating conversations.
I've been trying to meditate daily, however, and today we are going on a big food shopping trip to stock up with healthy items for the cycle. Yay. I'm back up to four career counseling clients, and am enjoying having that to take some positive attention and time. Fingers crossed we can move forward next week!
9/28/2018
9/23/2018
FET Update #1
I officially started this cycle today with BCPs, so here we go again! I began bleeding early Friday morning, as expected, and the nurse then sent over our new schedule. Lots going on this week with a final Beta blood test tomorrow to assure it's decreased, then a Baseline Ultrasound on Tuesday, and, assuming that's all clear, starting Lupron on Thursday. Our transfer is scheduled for October 23rd. We plan to transfer two again and look forward to talking to the embryologist about which of our remaining 15 (!) frozen embryos he would recommend.
Both RC and I have continued to feel some sadness here and there about our first try not working. He has been more deeply sad about it, I think, because I have gone through so many similar disappointments. Unfortunately, I have some callouses built up around my heart. That sounds strange to say, but hopefully that makes sense to some of you. I do know I'll be over the moon when we get a positive outcome... and it will probably take a while to sink in. I also think I had already started to accept that our cycle hadn't worked, first with the negative HPTs, and then with the super low beta, on top of just not feeling much those last few days.
Today, I'm actually excited to go into a new cycle and am feeling positive about it. I heard three different examples this week of second IVF tries (FETs) working for people, and that feels very encouraging. One was a blogging friend from the Cal IVF FB site who actually just got her positive on the second try with a frozen embryo transfer from her donor IVF cycle.
The second was on a television show I watch in which one of the main character just happened to be going through an IVF cycle. I really related to when she tried to "do everything right" and had her hopes up with a 70% chance of success. Her second try, she and her husband tried to mediate their expectations; she said she felt similarly to the first cycle in terms of symptoms... but it was a success!
When I went to a friend's house for dinner last night to catch up and share the experience, she gave me the third example. She told me about the daughter of a friend who had gone through a lot of infertility ups and downs and, after adopting two children, ended up pregnant with twins on her second IVF round with an FET.
We will be adding a couple new medical strategies to the protocol this time. Firstly, I started taking Trental, a type of Viagra or vasodialator to increase uterine blood flow. Secondly, as I hoped, I will be taking more estrogen from the start of that stage - both patches and pills - to hopefully increase my lining more gradually and fully. I would love it if I could reach at least an 11 or 12mm thickness with my lining. If you had success with an IVF or FET, do you remember what your lining reached prior to transfer?
This cycle, I also intend to meditate more from the beginning. Do you think it's worth spending $59 on a specific FET meditation program from Circle & B1oom? It includes 11 meditations corresponding with different stages of the FET process and sounds like it really focuses on relaxation, stress relief, and empowerment during the post-transfer wait, which was anxiety-provoking and challenging for me last time. I found a few meditations in my meditation app, but I'm not yet sure of their production quality.
Lastly, we talked about getting out of town during the two-week-really 9-day-wait... maybe going to the coast and staying at an air bnb location for two or three days. When we were in the Sacramento hotel for a day and a half after the transfer, I felt like we were in a nurturing bubble. I felt close to RC, relaxed and cozy. I hope all these changes will improve our chances and support our embabies to implant!
Both RC and I have continued to feel some sadness here and there about our first try not working. He has been more deeply sad about it, I think, because I have gone through so many similar disappointments. Unfortunately, I have some callouses built up around my heart. That sounds strange to say, but hopefully that makes sense to some of you. I do know I'll be over the moon when we get a positive outcome... and it will probably take a while to sink in. I also think I had already started to accept that our cycle hadn't worked, first with the negative HPTs, and then with the super low beta, on top of just not feeling much those last few days.
Today, I'm actually excited to go into a new cycle and am feeling positive about it. I heard three different examples this week of second IVF tries (FETs) working for people, and that feels very encouraging. One was a blogging friend from the Cal IVF FB site who actually just got her positive on the second try with a frozen embryo transfer from her donor IVF cycle.
The second was on a television show I watch in which one of the main character just happened to be going through an IVF cycle. I really related to when she tried to "do everything right" and had her hopes up with a 70% chance of success. Her second try, she and her husband tried to mediate their expectations; she said she felt similarly to the first cycle in terms of symptoms... but it was a success!
When I went to a friend's house for dinner last night to catch up and share the experience, she gave me the third example. She told me about the daughter of a friend who had gone through a lot of infertility ups and downs and, after adopting two children, ended up pregnant with twins on her second IVF round with an FET.
We will be adding a couple new medical strategies to the protocol this time. Firstly, I started taking Trental, a type of Viagra or vasodialator to increase uterine blood flow. Secondly, as I hoped, I will be taking more estrogen from the start of that stage - both patches and pills - to hopefully increase my lining more gradually and fully. I would love it if I could reach at least an 11 or 12mm thickness with my lining. If you had success with an IVF or FET, do you remember what your lining reached prior to transfer?
This cycle, I also intend to meditate more from the beginning. Do you think it's worth spending $59 on a specific FET meditation program from Circle & B1oom? It includes 11 meditations corresponding with different stages of the FET process and sounds like it really focuses on relaxation, stress relief, and empowerment during the post-transfer wait, which was anxiety-provoking and challenging for me last time. I found a few meditations in my meditation app, but I'm not yet sure of their production quality.
Lastly, we talked about getting out of town during the two-week-really 9-day-wait... maybe going to the coast and staying at an air bnb location for two or three days. When we were in the Sacramento hotel for a day and a half after the transfer, I felt like we were in a nurturing bubble. I felt close to RC, relaxed and cozy. I hope all these changes will improve our chances and support our embabies to implant!
9/19/2018
Cycle Update 5
And, just like that, despite our great odds, this cycle is a bust. Or more specifically, a "chemical" pregnancy - the most ridiculous name I've ever heard for a very early pregnancy that stops developing.
When the three home pregnancy tests we took came back negative, my anxiety shot through the roof. It was, as they say, not a good sign. But we held out hope that maybe one or both of our embryos were late implanters and looked towards the Beta test that Friday.
The Beta test came back at 12, which, if you are familiar with Betas, is extremely low. They (as in your doctor and nurses) like to see it at least 30, preferably 50. But I did feel excited for a little while, just knowing I was pregnant; that something had started after so many tries with IUI before where nothing started at all. So, we hoped upon hope that it would double properly for the second Beta test on Monday.
On Monday, we drove to the lab, where they told us that the results hadn't been finalized or something. It was very confusing, but when we called the processing center, they faxed over the required confirmation paperwork to my doctor. So they could confirm they are my doctor. Even though the order said the doctor's name and had their signature at the bottom. Argh!
When that happened, they finally sent the results to both my doctor and the lab, and my nurse beat the lab to the punch and called right away. My nurse, who has been super helpful along the way, did not have a positive tone so I guessed even before I heard that the Beta had only risen to a 17. Disappointment does not describe the feeling. It's like a punch to the chest.
RC was immediately super sad, whereas I think I just went kind of numb. I think, too, that what I read about Betas, had indicated that it was extremely uncertain that there would be a positive ending. We decided to drown our sorrows that evening. It was effective, but now we are picking up the pieces and regrouping for a Frozen Embryo Transfer. I have stopped all medication and am waiting to bleed. Once that starts, I let my nurse know and we create a calendar for the FET cycle. We are super fortunate to have great quality frozen embryos to use.
Apparently, my clinic has a committee that meets to discuss cases that did not succeed, so we will be on the agenda. I look forward to hearing how they might want to tweak my protocols and medication. I definitely think I should start with more estrogen, since my lining was thin in the initial check and then barely reached the minimum level before starting progesterone. I think it was close to 9mm. I'd also like to check my progesterone shortly after transfer to assure it's where it should be.
On the two-week (well really 8-9 days) side, RC and I talked about getting out of town for a few days to help mediate my anxiety. Especially on days he worked, it was super challenging for me to get through those last few hours of the afternoon/evening before he got home. He's going to take a day or two off work, and I'm also going to pre-plan some fun and uplifting activities on the days we are in town. I also want to do some hypnobabies meditations - have any of you used those?
I guess we've turned the corner and are looking ahead to the new cycle, but I still feel a little lost and empty at times. We both got attached to the "perfect" little embabies that were transferred this cycle.
When the three home pregnancy tests we took came back negative, my anxiety shot through the roof. It was, as they say, not a good sign. But we held out hope that maybe one or both of our embryos were late implanters and looked towards the Beta test that Friday.
The Beta test came back at 12, which, if you are familiar with Betas, is extremely low. They (as in your doctor and nurses) like to see it at least 30, preferably 50. But I did feel excited for a little while, just knowing I was pregnant; that something had started after so many tries with IUI before where nothing started at all. So, we hoped upon hope that it would double properly for the second Beta test on Monday.
On Monday, we drove to the lab, where they told us that the results hadn't been finalized or something. It was very confusing, but when we called the processing center, they faxed over the required confirmation paperwork to my doctor. So they could confirm they are my doctor. Even though the order said the doctor's name and had their signature at the bottom. Argh!
When that happened, they finally sent the results to both my doctor and the lab, and my nurse beat the lab to the punch and called right away. My nurse, who has been super helpful along the way, did not have a positive tone so I guessed even before I heard that the Beta had only risen to a 17. Disappointment does not describe the feeling. It's like a punch to the chest.
RC was immediately super sad, whereas I think I just went kind of numb. I think, too, that what I read about Betas, had indicated that it was extremely uncertain that there would be a positive ending. We decided to drown our sorrows that evening. It was effective, but now we are picking up the pieces and regrouping for a Frozen Embryo Transfer. I have stopped all medication and am waiting to bleed. Once that starts, I let my nurse know and we create a calendar for the FET cycle. We are super fortunate to have great quality frozen embryos to use.
Apparently, my clinic has a committee that meets to discuss cases that did not succeed, so we will be on the agenda. I look forward to hearing how they might want to tweak my protocols and medication. I definitely think I should start with more estrogen, since my lining was thin in the initial check and then barely reached the minimum level before starting progesterone. I think it was close to 9mm. I'd also like to check my progesterone shortly after transfer to assure it's where it should be.
On the two-week (well really 8-9 days) side, RC and I talked about getting out of town for a few days to help mediate my anxiety. Especially on days he worked, it was super challenging for me to get through those last few hours of the afternoon/evening before he got home. He's going to take a day or two off work, and I'm also going to pre-plan some fun and uplifting activities on the days we are in town. I also want to do some hypnobabies meditations - have any of you used those?
I guess we've turned the corner and are looking ahead to the new cycle, but I still feel a little lost and empty at times. We both got attached to the "perfect" little embabies that were transferred this cycle.
9/09/2018
Cycle Update 4
Sorry I haven't blogged since I got back from Sacramento. I'm just getting to it now after pretty much being obsessed with being PUPO for the last few days.
Everything went great with the transfer. It was AMAZING to see the little "swoosh" on the ultrasound when the embryos were transferred to my uterus. It was uncomfortable holding my pee, especially since they were a half hour late (!), but the nurse let me release a little bit so it was tolerable. The catheter did hurt going in, but nothing else about the procedure hurt. We were given pictures of our beautiful Grade 1 embabies and have them on our wall now. I was pretty blissed out about having them inside me for the first day or two...
Yesterday, though, I felt so anxious, I ended up crying to RC when he got home from work. Today is not much better. I'm trying to distract myself but it's not working very well. I do think I have some classic infertility PTSD from the many previous unsuccessful cycles I did, and also, we have invested SO much into this IVF that I feel terrified of it not working. Somehow the 80% chance of success is not comforting me, even though I guess it should. I've had various symptoms, including:
We are probably going to test late tonight, even though it's on the early side. Since we transferred at 11am on Wednesday, tonight would be on 5dpt of 5-day blastocysts. I'm not clear when people say it's best to wait until 5dpt, it means *after* five whole days or on the fifth day? Anyway, at this moment, I think we're going to start testing tonight. Fingers and toes and everything else crossed.
Everything went great with the transfer. It was AMAZING to see the little "swoosh" on the ultrasound when the embryos were transferred to my uterus. It was uncomfortable holding my pee, especially since they were a half hour late (!), but the nurse let me release a little bit so it was tolerable. The catheter did hurt going in, but nothing else about the procedure hurt. We were given pictures of our beautiful Grade 1 embabies and have them on our wall now. I was pretty blissed out about having them inside me for the first day or two...
Yesterday, though, I felt so anxious, I ended up crying to RC when he got home from work. Today is not much better. I'm trying to distract myself but it's not working very well. I do think I have some classic infertility PTSD from the many previous unsuccessful cycles I did, and also, we have invested SO much into this IVF that I feel terrified of it not working. Somehow the 80% chance of success is not comforting me, even though I guess it should. I've had various symptoms, including:
- A hot flash two days ago (7th). I've never had one before and wow, it was intense.
- Feeling absolutely starving recently around 11am and *needing* to get food ASAP. Initially, we had leftover moo shu chicken (yum), the next day it was an In-N-Out hamburger and fries, and today it was a deli turkey and cranberry sandwich and jalapeno chips.
- Some light pressure-type cramping two days ago (7th) over an hour or hour and a half.
- A wave of feeling really surreal/stony/out of it that evening. It felt like I was on something. I didn't want to lie down. I just walked around feeling whacked out. lol
- Today, I've had a couple episodes of feeling light headed
- Boobs got a little sore yesterday and a little more sore today, but not sharp jabs or stabs like people describe, but did get nipple sensations yesterday like blood flowing in for a couple seconds. Does estrogen or progesterone medication build up over time in the body to create more symptoms? I've been on these same doses for a week and a half and didn't feel much the first few days/week.
- A really intense shooting feeling in lower, right pelvis area yesterday evening, and a lesser one following a couple minutes later on the left side.
- Some fatigue in my right arm today, like when I'm holding a fork or a pencil, they feel too heavy to be holding up. Never heard of that symptom, have you? strange...
We are probably going to test late tonight, even though it's on the early side. Since we transferred at 11am on Wednesday, tonight would be on 5dpt of 5-day blastocysts. I'm not clear when people say it's best to wait until 5dpt, it means *after* five whole days or on the fifth day? Anyway, at this moment, I think we're going to start testing tonight. Fingers and toes and everything else crossed.
9/01/2018
Cycle Update 3
It was so hard waiting until 3 PM yesterday to get my lining checked! Definitely experienced some anxiety, and during my client appointment, I kept looking at the clock every 10 minutes or so. I kept up with all my uterine lining building strategies, though, which included:
Thank you to everyone who gave me ideas on how to help the process!
After my client appointment, I went and worked out, showered, and watch some TV to distract myself. Finally, the time rolled around to leave for my appointment. RC has been working weekends at a side job, so he wasn't around to help defuse my anxiety. Luckily, though, he called while I was driving to the Imaging Center, and we had a good check in.
The embryologist had also called me earlier that morning, so I had some fun information to share, like the fact that all 28 follicles yielded eggs! And a couple more possibly, he said! He also said he would call me today, which is my current anxiety-provoking waiting game. LOL but he is also going to call us Monday to give an update. Since our sperm extraction was surgical, they automatically do ICSI for fertilization, so that was done yesterday afternoon sometime. I can't wait to hear how many successfully fertilized! Fingers crossed.
Anyway, I made it to the lining check, and was of course dying with anticipation, until she told me… my lining was at 8 millimeters! Hallelujah, mega relief!I didn't care what else she measured or how long it took, I was completely excited and relieved for the rest of the time there. We are now officially scheduled for a fresh embryo transfer this coming Wednesday! We are heading up to Sacramento again on Tuessday and will stay there until Thursday afternoon, just relaxing and watching funny movies in the hotel room after the transfer. Do you have any suggestions of movies or shows that you find really funny?
OMG, the embryologist just called while I was writing this! So there were 26 mature eggs retrieved and out of those six were a little less mature. Out of those 26, 23 fertilized and looked great, and two had a singular PN structure (don't ask me to explain that but something about both the sperm in the egg chromosomes being fully present). He said that those latter embryos had maybe a 50% chance of making it to blastocyst, but he would be tracking them in a separate bubble just in case. He said he did have to search for great sperm in the samples, but of the 23 eggs that fertilized, 80% of those sperm looked great. Next check in, Monday; I'm so excited!
- Drinking beet and pomegranate juice.
- Taking L'arginine - by the way, does anyone know if I should stop taking that after the transfer?
- Heating pad on abdomen.
- Lots of water and warm liquids.
- Keeping my feet warm by wearing socks – I do not like wearing socks!
- And most importantly, of course, taking the additional estrogen in the form of two Estrace tabs per day.
Thank you to everyone who gave me ideas on how to help the process!
After my client appointment, I went and worked out, showered, and watch some TV to distract myself. Finally, the time rolled around to leave for my appointment. RC has been working weekends at a side job, so he wasn't around to help defuse my anxiety. Luckily, though, he called while I was driving to the Imaging Center, and we had a good check in.
The embryologist had also called me earlier that morning, so I had some fun information to share, like the fact that all 28 follicles yielded eggs! And a couple more possibly, he said! He also said he would call me today, which is my current anxiety-provoking waiting game. LOL but he is also going to call us Monday to give an update. Since our sperm extraction was surgical, they automatically do ICSI for fertilization, so that was done yesterday afternoon sometime. I can't wait to hear how many successfully fertilized! Fingers crossed.
Anyway, I made it to the lining check, and was of course dying with anticipation, until she told me… my lining was at 8 millimeters! Hallelujah, mega relief!I didn't care what else she measured or how long it took, I was completely excited and relieved for the rest of the time there. We are now officially scheduled for a fresh embryo transfer this coming Wednesday! We are heading up to Sacramento again on Tuessday and will stay there until Thursday afternoon, just relaxing and watching funny movies in the hotel room after the transfer. Do you have any suggestions of movies or shows that you find really funny?
OMG, the embryologist just called while I was writing this! So there were 26 mature eggs retrieved and out of those six were a little less mature. Out of those 26, 23 fertilized and looked great, and two had a singular PN structure (don't ask me to explain that but something about both the sperm in the egg chromosomes being fully present). He said that those latter embryos had maybe a 50% chance of making it to blastocyst, but he would be tracking them in a separate bubble just in case. He said he did have to search for great sperm in the samples, but of the 23 eggs that fertilized, 80% of those sperm looked great. Next check in, Monday; I'm so excited!
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