Pregnancy and Life Update #8

Our trip to Bend was fun! More fun for me than RC, I think, but oh well. He struggles a bit, it seems, to sleep and feel grounded when he's away from home. I tend to enjoy the break, especially if we are in a beautiful place. RC, Zoey, and I did enjoy getting outside and walking along the river path, with a wonderful hill/mountain view; a view you can enjoy from many places in Bend. Exploring downtown was fun, too, and we ate at a yummy restaurant with great ambiance called, Zydeco.

We stayed at my family's house, which we both found a little over the top in terms of ceiling height in every room - seems like a waste of materials in some rooms to me, honestly - and it was interesting to me that the house lacked warmth and homey touches overall, considering they bought it when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, so they would have a place to get away that was closer to home than Tahoe. But she passed away before they truly and fully settled in and decorated it, so I think maybe the energy kind of stalled out because my Mom and Dad were leading the effort together. I don't think Dad even goes there much, if at all, and likely doesn't want to think about or invest in decorating. That's my theory, but I'm not sure. In any case, it's pretty stark and overly minimalist, but at the same time very nice.

The last day, I took a little hike by myself (RC's knee was bothering him) up a hill in the neighborhood and took these pictures of the mountain views.

In work news, RC finally landed a job! It's a "for now" job at the Eugene Airport working for a consultant company that staffs United Airlines. It's in customer service with a high level of responsibility, as he wanted, and in a couple weeks they are sending him to Chicago for a 3-week training (he gets sent home for weekends). We will likely get some sweet airline travel perks, though I may not use these for a while. Hopefully, his extended family might get some kind of benefit and his sons could use these to visit us.

I had what I feel was a good second interview with the university but am still waiting to hear back. The interview was nine days ago. I may check in on Monday or Tuesday to inquire where they are in the process. I also may have a new career counseling client...I'll hear back on that Monday.

I will end with a pregnancy update, but I will have an even bigger update after our developmental, second-trimester ultrasound on Tuesday. After this long slog through the desert, we are almost there. I'm honestly frustrated at this point that I still can't feel her in a clear and definitive way. If so many other people weren't already feeling their babies in my groups, I may not feel this way, but I just really want that connection with her and the ongoing reassurance it brings.

We have continued to use the home doppler every few days to hear the heartbeat, which is helpful. I wish the feeling would last but it fades within a day or two. I'm pretty sure I'm getting bigger, though, what do you think?

Yesterday, at my nieces t-ball game, when I picked up her little sister to help her onto the monkey bars, I felt a pull in my lower abdomen. Not painful, but I definitely think my time for picking up things over 25 pounds has come to an end for the next few months. I want to be cautious. Overall, I've been feeling good, though, and eating quite a bit. RC brought me home a Cinnabon the other day and it was gone in no time, whole thing, no problem. lol  I'm trying to get my salads and raw carrots in, lots of fruit, but still not feeling myself "drawn," shall we say, to cooked vegetable. Oh well, I think I'm still getting what I need. I've only gained four pounds so far.

In the last couple days, I've started reading books to her, because I read she can hear me now and that if you read certain books to them in utero, they respond more to those books after they are born. Cool, right? Plus, it's a nice bonding time. 💗

One other fun thing I'll share: I'm getting little hairy blonde peach fuzz on my belly. LOL I noticed it when I was doing the home doppler. It sticks straight up and is luckily quite light at this point. Did this happen to anyone else? I've read it's not uncommon and has to do with increased estrogen levels. They say it goes away within 6-months after birth. Honestly, though, this symptom, as with all my others, I can't help but feel excited (or at least neutral) and grateful towards because it's all part of being pregnant and finally becoming a mother. I've been very lucky, so far, and symptoms have not been awful or unmanageable.

I'll post again in a few days with more news and pictures from my ultrasounds.

Victoria BC plus Pregnancy Update #3

We are in Victoria on our honeymoon. It's been lovely and fun, but this morning we had an argument. I can get frustrated with his lack of response and not articulating how he's feeling or what he's thinking. This leaves me feeling frustrated, confused, and I can assume (which I guess I shouldn't) that he disagrees or has a negative judgment about what I have been saying.

Last night we were talking about massage options. We were both looking forward to getting a massage yesterday afternoon and had done the research to find a place to go, but when we called, they said they were booked up until next Tuesday (we leave Monday). So last night, I was looking at an alternative place that was a bit more money, like $10 - $15 more per person, and he stated the amount that both massages would come to, as though it were prohibitive. I responded that it wasn't much more than the other place, but I also looked up less expensive massage in Oregon, which we could get as soon as we get back as sort of a compromise and mediation to the disappointment of not getting one here. But he basically went internal and ceased engaging or responding to the conversation. Argh!

So, I said I was cranky and was going to bed. This morning, I tried to talk to him about it, and I thought the conversation was going okay, but then he didn't respond to something, and I said, "Huh?!", and he said he did respond and accused me of snapping. It escalated from there and was just really stupid.

Ummm, I am pregnant, dude! I wish he could just remember that I am more sensitive right now and not at my best. I refuse to talk to him if he's going to be angry and just vent at me and criticize me. I offered to do a check-in with him (something we have done often to talk through more difficult or intense issues because it slows things down and requires you listen and reflect what your partner says), and he refused. So we are still at an impasse.

The ironic thing is that yesterday was one of our best and most fun/romantic days together. Every day has been fun, but yesterday, we took a long walk outdoors in Beacon Park, petted the goats, enjoyed the peacocks and the lovely views, then went to an English tea at a nearby Inn and Teahouse. Great and connected conversation and yummy sandwiches/scones/treats and tea. After my daily meditation and nap, we had a relaxed dinner at a nearby pub and were flirting and joking around on the way back. A fabulous day! Until the end. Ah well.

I feel sad and disappointed the day ended not so great, and we had the conflict this morning. I hope we can both calm down and re-connect soon, as we are booked on a bus trip to Butchart Gardens at 11:30am.

p.s. I'm 9 weeks pregnant today! My lower back ache/pain kicked in a couple days ago. Anyone else experience this, if you've been pregnant? I have to stop periodically and squat/stretch when we are out walking. Still having food aversions/limited food choices. Boobs have been quite sore, and I can see veins in chest now.

Despite signs, I still have worries and am definitely wanting more reassurance that Pudge is in there and moving around and growing like the pregnancy apps say he/she is. Our next ultrasound is scheduled for April 1st with Maternal/Fetal Medicine. Our Sneak Peak gender reveal blood test has arrived at our house in Oregon, so guess what will be the first thing I do when we get home? Yep, poke my finger and send that package in. It's supposed to come back within 72 hours.

Pregnancy Update #1 - sneaky beta and symptoms; wedding progress

Sooo, I kind of cheated last week and snuck in for a third beta. The wait for the ultrasound seemed to stretch out forever, and I was feeling some anxiety and doubts, despite the strong first two betas.

I got the idea from friends on the private FB page for folks going through my clinic's program. They said that they found the wait excruciating, also, and went in for another "reassurance" beta. I still had the order from my clinic, which doesn't have a limitation to number of times or any specific dates, and went down to a nearby Quest lab. Results came back "very" reassuring at 17,368 (5 weeks 2 days)!

That reassurance carried me a few more days; now, the anxiety is creeping back in, despite having increasing symptoms. I guess this must be emotional repercussions (PTSD?) from my years of many failed attempts, or even the last cycle, which ended in a chemical. I don't think I'll fully believe I'm pregnant until I see Popo and Budge (or Pudge :) on the ultrasound.

Speaking of which, the ultrasound is still scheduled for March 6th, 12 long days away. If a spot opens up, the doctor said I could come in sooner, but that's doubtful because both an ultrasound and Obgyn workup appointment would need to open up on the same day.

For funsies, I will share the symptoms I've been having. Please share what symptoms you had in your pregnancy, if you've been pregnant and are willing to share. Thanks!

Symptoms:

1. Breast soreness: initially off and on, as of the last couple of days, some level of consistent soreness, but not too intense.
2. Insomnia: wake up most every night around 3 or 4am and am awake for some period of time.
3. Napping: Due to the above, often take a nap after doing my daily pregnancy meditation (I'm not a napper).
4. Mood changes: more emotional and reactive; have responded quite harshly to RC several times and had to apologize. Saying things I would never normally say. Also, increased anxiety at times, and my mind is swirling or overly active.
5. Communication: perhaps related to above, I find myself more "chatty" than I've ever been. I just seem to talk more, in streams of chattiness that is unlike me. Unless I'm in an exhausted place, where I zone out in a semi-stupor. :)
6. Brain fog: pretty self-explanatory...I feel unfocused and fumble around trying to get organized or out the door, at times.
7. Food: smoked salmon, salmon in general really, has never sounded more disgusting. Often, the healthy, veggie-heavy dinners RC cooks, sound awful unfortunately. Cooked veggies, in general, sound bad, except for potatoes or french fries. Salads are okay, raw celery. Fruit is great, and hamburgers - or the other day a delicious gyro - are cravings at times. Spicy foods often sound appealing, oddly.
8. Nausea: I had one wierd incident yesterday, when I was out walking Zoey, where I suddenly felt overheated and BLECH. Not like I was about to throw-up but just gross and I guess you could say somewhat nauseated. I felt like I couldn't make all the way back down our street and home, lol. But, overall, no morning sickness or nausea, which has been a concern because so many women feel this. I just reached 6 weeks today, so maybe I have that to look forward to.

Lastly, despite my foggy brain, wedding planning has progressed, and all the major pieces are in place. Venue and food, check; DJ, check; rehearsal dinner venue, check; decorations and centerpieces, check (found more antique-style table clocks, yay!); officiant, check; wedding party confirmed, check (RC had some struggles around this when one son cancelled last minute, but my uncle stepped in :); flowers, check.

We are super excited for our honeymoon, now, as well. Even though my Dad declined to pay for the wedding, or any part of the wedding, up front, he and the rest of my immediate family went in on the lodging for our honeymoon in Victoria, BC - amazing! Lots of gratitude and some warming towards my Dad around that one, which we just found out about yesterday. We will be staying in a 17-suite Bed and Breakfast downtown, across from a lovely park (Beacon Park?) and near all the sights and activities along the Bay. Yay!

FET Update #5 - PUPO and signs

The transfer went well! When we arrived, we met with the embryologist who told us that, out of the two they thawed, one looked “perfect,” and the other was struggling a bit to fully expand. She said it was remodeling or rebounding, however, and she was optimistic about its chances once it was transferred to the uterine environment.

She said if we wanted two perfect ones, they would thaw another one, but she said she only recommended that route if we were sure we wanted twins. We decided we’d rather leave it up to God, and, if were meant to have twins, we will. Honestly, once I saw the two embryos, I was in love with both of them and wanted both to have a chance. After we made the decision and signed required paperwork, I had to drink more water and wait a bit for my bladder to fill, then the doctor came in and everything progressed without a hitch.

Traveling back that afternoon by air (using RC's miles, which required us to first travel to L.A. boo!) after the transfer wasn’t ideal, but I tried to take it easy and not rush or lift heavy items, etc.

In the last week, I’ve had some interesting signs that something might be happening in my uterus. I definitely felt light pulling cramps both on the left and the right side in the two days after transfer and, the day afterwards, I experienced two light episodes of spotting. One with darker blood at 5am, and one with pinkish blood at 4pm.  It was very minimal; just on the tissue when I went to the bathroom. Then I had nothing for days until yesterday, when I experienced a squinter streak of old blood on the tissue at 11:30am. I do feel excited about this sign, because the timing, in all three cases, is right on for it to be implantation bleeding.

Additional signs include a bad sinus headache on the left side of my forehead, starting Sunday and going through yesterday.  I also had some interesting brief headache feelings on the top of my head and towards the back, as well as additional pulsing or pang-like cramps here and there.

It may be attributed to the meds, but  I've been quite moody at times, as well, both irritable or easily frustrated and sad. Bursts of emotion, after which you say, "Wow, that came out of nowhere!" Or you realize as you walk, alone and sobbing, down the street (after telling your partner, "Just go ahead! we’re not even talking anyway!" lol), that this is very likely fueled by hormones.

After the spotting, I almost reconsidered doing an HPT, but RC is against it. I think he's probably right because, last time, it was SO stressful for us, and I'd rather stay as calm as possible until the beta. My C & B meditations are totally helping right now, by the way. :) 

The beta test is scheduled for Friday; everything crossed!!

Cycle Update 4

Sorry I haven't blogged since I got back from Sacramento. I'm just getting to it now after pretty much being obsessed with being PUPO for the last few days.

Everything went great with the transfer. It was AMAZING to see the little "swoosh" on the ultrasound when the embryos were transferred to my uterus. It was uncomfortable holding my pee, especially since they were a half hour late (!), but the nurse let me release a little bit so it was tolerable. The catheter did hurt going in, but nothing else about the procedure hurt. We were given pictures of our beautiful Grade 1 embabies and have them on our wall now. I was pretty blissed out about having them inside me for the first day or two...

Yesterday, though, I felt so anxious, I ended up crying to RC when he got home from work. Today is not much better. I'm trying to distract myself but it's not working very well. I do think I have some classic infertility PTSD from the many previous unsuccessful cycles I did, and also, we have invested SO much into this IVF that I feel terrified of it not working. Somehow the 80% chance of success is not comforting me, even though I guess it should. I've had various symptoms, including:

• A hot flash two days ago (7th). I've never had one before and wow, it was intense.
• Feeling absolutely starving recently around 11am and *needing* to get food ASAP.  Initially, we had leftover moo shu chicken (yum), the next day it was an In-N-Out hamburger and fries, and today it was a deli turkey and cranberry sandwich and jalapeno chips.
• Some light pressure-type cramping two days ago (7th) over an hour or hour and a half.
• A wave of feeling really surreal/stony/out of it that evening. It felt like I was on something. I didn't want to lie down. I just walked around feeling whacked out. lol
• Today, I've had a couple episodes of feeling light headed
• Boobs got a little sore yesterday and a little more sore today, but not sharp jabs or stabs like people describe, but did get nipple sensations yesterday like blood flowing in for a couple seconds. Does estrogen or progesterone medication build up over time in the body to create more symptoms? I've been on these same doses for a week and a half and didn't feel much the first few days/week.
• A really intense shooting feeling in lower, right pelvis area yesterday evening, and a lesser one following a couple minutes later on the left side.
• Some fatigue in my right arm today, like when I'm holding a fork or a pencil, they feel too heavy to be holding up. Never heard of that symptom, have you? strange...

Probably all these could be related to the estrogen and progesterone I'm taking, right? I would love to get something more conclusive like throwing up or intense, pulsating cramps for multiple hours. Be careful what you wish for, right? Argh, it's just so anxiety-inducing to wait like this for something so important.

We are probably going to test late tonight, even though it's on the early side. Since we transferred at 11am on Wednesday, tonight would be on 5dpt of 5-day blastocysts. I'm not clear when people say it's best to wait until 5dpt, it means *after* five whole days or on the fifth day? Anyway, at this moment, I think we're going to start testing tonight. Fingers and toes and everything else crossed.

Start... and Stop

So. As you guys know, I am not currently ttc, and the possibility of ever doing that again in a realistic way is uncertain. At my age, the way that would look would involve donor eggs. Right now, the priority is S getting through treatment and recovering from his illness. He is done with the first round and surgery will likely be at the end of January or beginning of February. It will be nice to have a respite over the holidays.

Despite all this, and somewhat remarkably I think, during the last couple months, we have been sexually active and consciously not preventing any sort of miraculous conception that might have an ever so slight chance of occurring. Basically, both of us would be happy if this miracle should transpire. This last cycle, I feel something happened along those lines and then stopped. Here are the main signs below... what do you think?

1. The main sign was light spotting and cramping at around 8 dpo for just a half a day or so, which then totally stopped.

2. I was unusually moody for a significantly longer and more intense period.

3. I experienced sinus headaches the days prior and then a huge tension headache on Thanksgiving, along with slight nausea.

4. My period came in really weird with light spotting and no cramping after sex, which then totally stopped for another day before my period slowly began.

I know how low the odds are, but part of me still can't help hoping. And I am giving that part of me a little bit of room to have fun, but this month I got a little too attached and was bummed when it ended. :-(

Join Me in a Mind Game?

I know it's all a big mind game, but for funsies, I thought I would share a couple new signs. 

As mentioned in this morning's post, I am currently at 11 dpo.  Driving home from my acupuncture appointment early this afternoon, I reached a bit and felt an unmistakable stabbing pain in my underarm.  This is not usual for me, even on progesterone (at least not the last few cycles... I'll have to look back a ways to double check). 

As the day has progressed, it's become a continual soreness, more on my left than right.  Oddly my breasts themselves are hardly feeling sore today. 

The other sign - now don't laugh! - is feeling more sexual than usual at this time.  I usually feel pretty un-enthused during the last week of my cycle, but then often experience a little wave the day before, or as my period is starting.  This is two or three days before, so not my usual pattern.  I heard that it's possible you can feel more sexual in early pregnancy, due to increased blood flow.

Sooo, again, fully admitting it's a mindgame, I would love to hear any thoughts or feedback from you all!

What's going on?

I'm at 13dpo and pretty sure this cycle is a bust.  My period is starting so strangely, though.  I've had no cramping but have had quite a bit of dark spotting this morning with a, sorry for tmi, tiny bit of tissue and a couple red spots.  Also, my boobs are no longer sore but for a minute they had a burning sensation.  Very unusual. 

Anyone other ttc'ers had any of these wierd symptoms?

I'll let you know what happens as the day goes on.  I'm thinking it's likely I'll get my period sometime soon, sad to say.

It's S's birthday today.  We have been talking less this past week, trying to sort through what the h-e-double hockey sticks happened on the Tahoe trip.  Last night, we had dinner at a yummy noodle place and talked a bit.  It was good to see him, and I felt closer to him by the end of the evening.  Could progesterone be the main culprit?  It's hard to believe it is that powerful.

Cycle Report: 8 dpo

The IUI went swimmingly, so to speak. ;-)  Although, perhaps not as painlessly... the doctor on duty was one I had never seen before and, to begin with, she tilted my head down/hips up somewhat, which was a new twist.  Then, she had trouble locating/positioning my cervix.  Finally, she poked the back of my uterus, causing me to cry out.  So, her technique was not the smoothest, yet she got the job done.  And I wondered afterwards whether poking my uterus might actually be a good thing, due to what I've heard about uterine biopsies increasing pregnancy rates.  What do you all think about that idea?  Oh, and S's counts were great, as they were previously. 

I've had a few signs over the past week, which could also be attributed to the progesterone I'm taking:

• Sore breasts since the day after the IUI (even before starting the progesterone).
• Very, very emotional - easy to anger and easy to cry.
• My temps stair-stepped up the last couple of days and today were 98.74.  

Regarding the last sign, I'm wondering if progesterone is cumulative?  In other words, the longer I take it, the more my progesterone level rises?  I also think the multiple follicles had an additive effect on my hormone levels, both with estrogen in the follicular phase and now progesterone.

The emotional side of things has been pretty brutal.  S and I went to Tahoe to spend time with my parents, brother and family, and sister and family - plus my aunt and cousin - from Wednesday until this morning.  We had several arguments, which I felt very sad about because we can't seem to have an argument-free visit with family.

One good insight that came out of the arguing and our processing on the way home is realizing that we approach family visits and prioritize things differently.  To me, the most important thing is our connection to each other, and for him, the most important thing is contributing and interacting well with family.  I think the latter is important, also, but a lower priority compared to maintaining our own relationship.

In any case, it was clear that I was progesterone affected and became angry or upset much more easily.  If progesterone does accumulate, then this next week is going to be a wild ride.

We did have many good experiences on the trip, too, including some great time with my nieces and nephew.  Baby V let me hold her even though she had an ear infection and was fussy.  My oldest niece, J, and I colored together, which is always special, and my three-year-old nephew, E, sat on my lap on the boat ride and played cars.  We also ate some great food, enjoyed hanging out on the dock, and had a great dance party with the kids one night.  I wish I could see the kids more often.

11 dpo: All Quiet on the Uterine Front

This is the hardest part of a two-week wait, at least for me.  You are trying to sense any pregnancy signs, even when you tell yourself ten times not too, that it's a futile endeavor.  You know that if something's going to happen, it has likely started, but there's no way to know until a few more days pass (unless your taking an HPT, which I'm not).

I wish I had more encouraging news to report.  I've felt nothing of consequence in the uterine region.  The only clear signs I've felt so far are all common complaints of progesterone supplementation:

• Breast soreness
• Headaches
• Irritable/emotional moods

I didn't feel the breast soreness until 9dpo, which is around when I started getting sinus-type headaches, too.  For those of you who were on progesterone, was this a common timeline for you?  No headache today but pretty bad on Friday and Saturday.

If my cycle doesn't start by Wednesday, I've been instructed to go in for a blood test.  If this cycle is a no go, then we'll see if I'm cyst-free for the next cycle.  If so, then S and I will go forward with injectable medication plus IUI.

Still Holding On

I should test, right?  I guess I'm not wanting to have my hopes crushed.

Recent signs:

• It is now likely 15dpo (going by my belief of when I ovulated), and I have never had a luteal phase this long.
• Off-and-on, light, lower abdominal cramping the last couple of days and today, but no spotting.
• Bbt temperature still up high yesterday and this morning; three days now at this level.
• More of an appetite.
• Increased creamy cm today.

The only way that FF's indication of when I ovulated (7 days later than what I believe) would possibly fit my cramping pattern is that I had the two days of Aunt Flo type cramps at the time of ovulation, which I have never had in the past.  Then, these cramps I'm having now would be timed to be implantation cramps... which would assume S's guys are "Super Sp.erm" and lasted 4 days until that late ovulation time. 

I think it's much more likely that "something" is happening.  Here's hoping it's a sticky little eggie making itself at home...

Twinge City

Feel free to skip this part if you're not into ttc symptom watching... So, I felt what seemed like uterine "twinges" today, 8 or 9 dpo, in the lower left side of my abdomen.  :-)  This point "twinged," or sort of pulsed, three or four times in about a minute.  Who knows what's going on in there, but I do feel happy to have felt it. 

In addition, my temperature also took a second jump up today from 98.2 to 98.5.  And, lastly, when I inserted my progesterone this morning, I noticed my cervix was decidedly lower.  I never noticed this before.  I'm thinking it's a "neutral" sign (and that's what Fertil.ity Friend tells me).  Any thoughts on this state of events?

No huge plans this weekend, but my housemate is around and I'm spending time with a friend tomorrow at her moving sale.  I normally go to dance on Sundays, then out to eat.  Because I was specifically told "no vigorous exercise," I chose not to go last week and will miss this week, as well.  Missing last week reminded me what a big part of my weekend my dancing is!  I would rather play it safe, though.

Speaking of my housemate, I wanted to share with you all that I think I cursed him by talking about his relationship in glowing terms on this blog recently.  I held him up as an example of glorious companionship, and then, this week, they break up!  I knew they were still somewhat in limbo about moving forward to the next step, which logically would have been engagement, but I didn't expect a break up! 

Right before he took this action, I asked him how he would feel if they broke up, and he said both sad and relieved.  I guess that was an indicator.  Plus, he started talking about how he didn't feel a strong desire to move forward; that he really wanted to feel excited and compelled to move to the next level.  I understand what he's saying... but now he gets to rejoin me back in "The Land of Singledom," which equals, "The Land of No Sex or Intimate Companionship." lol  Anyway, just thought I'd share the weird timing, immediately following my sunny blog post about the two of them.

Hanging Here in Limbo

Hanging here in limbo
Too scared to pee, on a stick...

I don't know why I can't rally the motivation to pee on a stick.  What is my problem?  I think I know it will be negative.  I just can't face, the mean white space!  I gave blood for the Beta, but the didn't call me back by the end of the day. :(  So, I guess I'm taking a couple more doses of progesterone for no reason.

Here's why I think it's over:

• I've been lightly cramping and spotting (brown and light pink) all day.
• Every other cycle I've spotted on, the spotting has turned to a full flow.
• My boobs are not sore anymore.
• I don't have any other major signs (except my temp staying up, but that's due to the progesterone, right?)

I should get a call by 9 or 9:30 tomorrow and will let you know as soon as I hear.

or maybe I'll pee on a stick...

but probably not.

p.s. A nurse was mean to me earlier today (not super mean but curt, and in my sad state it felt really mean), but it was good because it made me cry hard and I needed to cry hard.

12 dpo

This will likely be my last post before I know whether my IUI was successful.  I don't have much to report other than "symptoms" seem less today, for good or bad.

I had a mini freak-out in my mind yesterday that I have been eating too much sugar and maybe that ruined my chances.  Stupid party leftovers!  I've been craving carbs in the afternoon and indulging these cravings with bread pudding.  Also ate a half a snickers last night and immediately regretted it.  Silly stuff.  

My bbt was down this morning quite a bit.  Not a great sign, I guess.  I don't trust my thermometer at all now though, because it keeps settling on the same number: 98.34 every other time I take my temperature.  If I let it rest for a minute and shake it, then take it again, it comes out something else!  So I don't know if I even trust half the readouts for this cycle now!  I did get 98.17 two or three times this morning (in between 98.34s), so I think that's the right one.  

More shall be revealed soon, I guess.

11 dpo

I have a new sign to report:  headache.  Blech.  I've had a sinus-type headache over the weekend and heading into today.  I thought maybe the one on Saturday was related to my over-indulgence of cheese at the game night Friday.  But it continued on beyond the cheese explanation.

I've also been having vivid dreams and woke up a couple times in the early morning the last couple of mornings before, luckily, falling back to sleep.  I remember that happening to me in another cycle last year, when I was trying with S.  Last night, I dreamed I was caring for a cute little girl baby and my family was around.  I was very focused on her, though there were family dynamics going on.  In another, less pleasant dream, someone was caring for a dog and had left him on the changing table.  When I went over to check on him, I saw he had pooped and had it all over him.  As I tried to hold him still to clean it off, I had the thought that this was what it would be like sometimes with a baby. :)

Boobs have gotten more sore again, but not nipple pain, just sore.  All likely attributable to the progesterone supplements, I know.

I thought about testing today but don't feel like facing that horrible white space again (seen in previous cycles last year).  It's 11 dpo... three more days before I can get a blood test if things hold out.  When it's this close, I'm tempted to wait.  So far, my bbt temperatures are holding strong, but no real triphasic pattern as of yet.  Somehow, when I attached my chart to this post, it keeps updating each day, as I add new temperatures.  So, you can follow the trends there.  lol

The fundraiser game night was a wonderful night, full of yummy food, great conversation, meaningful visioning activity and fun games, and even ending with a sort of blessing ritual.  I felt much love and care, and everyone seemed to get along great (there were women I knew from different circles, such as Interplay, Nonviolent Communication, and Transition Towns) and enjoy themselves.

But.  I did not accomplish the initial primary goal of the evening: to raise funds to offset some ttc debt.  Contributions did come in, but were significantly less than I'd imagined.  I think there might be a few reasons for this, including:  I wasn't as clear or articulate as I would have liked in asking for the donations, people just don't feel they have a lot to give right now, and, finally, it was a Friday night and only half the women invited were able to come.

In any case, I've decided to let that go and chalk it up to an experiment.  An experiment that did reap many blessings in the form of fun, connection, and bonding with and between some of my good women friends.  Here are a couple of pictures from the night.  The first couple are us doing the "now" and "ideal" visioning activity (these are my visions, but each person had a turn), and the last is of the poem we created at the end of the night, each choosing one word.

Friday, 8 dpo

I'll start out with a Symptom Check (all still likely related to the progesterone):

• Cramping has actually calmed down a lot.  Did those of you who have taken progesterone experience a lessening of some symptoms as the luteal phase progressed?

• My boobs were the sorest I have ever experienced them last night (when I took off my bra).  Wow, I finally understand some of the phrases other people used before, such as "needles shooting through my nipples."  But this morning, just slightly sore, no big deal.

• Quite nauseous this morning.  Could have been digestion related, and progesterone apparently "relaxes the bowels."  Thank you for that phrase, doctor, it is a memorable one.  Anyway, really queasy, and it only went away when I ate a bowl of cereal.  Anyone else have this?

• Mood stuff continues but I think I've just gotten used to being bitchy, and I'm making fun of myself now half the time.

• My bbt has been up today and yesterday but I realized I slept in socks, whereas I normally don't, so that's probably why!

I spoke to the doctor Wednesday afternoon and he confirmed in-person that he thought everything went well, timing was on target etc.  He did not think that the 12.3 follicle would have made it into the mix, though. :-(  He said follicles grow 1-2 mm per day and need to be about 18 mm to reach maturity, and I guess poor little 12.3 wouldn't have had time to reach that level in two days.  I was thinking since they'd grown a bit faster than anticipated, maybe they would continue growing that fast, but maybe not.  

The cramping actually gave him slight pause, which is unusual for him.  He's an "old-timer" in the fertility world and tends to be quite jaded.  But he also said the "relaxing the bowels" thing.  At the end, he said, "We know you'll need some luck.  But why shouldn't you have that?"  Something like that.  

Tonight is my visioning and game night for fertility.  I'm excited about the visioning activity I'm going to facilitate.  I made bread pudding yesterday, which smelled so yummy, and will make a fresh berry topping sauce today from the berries in our garden.  I'm also going to attempt a homemade pizza.  We'll see how that turns out!  Hors d'oeuvres will include veggies and hummus dip and fruit.  Hopefully, I will raise a bit of money to cover some debt from this cycle.  If I need to cycle again, I want to be in the best position possible.  

6 dpo

Cruising along in the two-week wait at 6 dpo...

Question for those of you who have taken progesterone supplements:  What did the abdominal cramping feel like?  I'm assuming the cramping feelings I'm having are due to the progesterone, but the sensations vary.  Yesterday evening and another time or two I had pre-menstrual type cramps - not intense but somewhat uncomfortable.  Also, some backache.  This morning, I had more of the twinge type cramping - based in a specific spot and would come and go in shorter bursts.  It was mainly on the right side, but a couple on the left, as well.  I'm hoping to compare my feelings to what others felt.

Overall, I'm pretty much chalking any and all "symptoms" up to the progesterone.  My boobs have definitely been quite sore, actually a little less today than yesterday.  On that note, I wonder if your body "adapts" to the progesterone somewhat?  I've also been feeling nauseated in the morning, as well as in short waves during the day.  Bloated and constipated, check.

Oh, and honey, the mood swings!  ha!  A friend mentioned she was a "weepy mess" on progesterone, and I definitely flashed back to that comment yesterday!  I've been Sky.ping for a couple weeks with a guy from Great Britain (I met him on the dating site Spir.itual Sin.gles), and yesterday I broke down in the middle of our call.  Everything. just. seemed. so. awful.  It was like there was this pool of sadness just under the surface, ready to come out, whether I wanted it to or not!  After sobbing for a bit, I took a few deep breaths and felt relatively fine.  Luckily, he knows - and surprisingly accepts - what's going on with me, so I didn't have to try and cover it up.

I do wonder if there is any symptom, beyond a positive HPT, that could be trusted to mean something when on progesterone.  Probably not!

Good news on the additional work search front:  I got the "International Coordinator" position!  I'm not sure I mentioned it here... basically there's a company that facilitates international students coming to the U.S. to attend High School, and many of them hope to go on to American colleges.  I would help the students and their families move through the application process, recruit host families, support the students with monthly meetings and/or phone calls, and put out any fires such as needing to change host families, etc.

The potential downside is that it's on a commission basis, according to how many students you place and have on your roster, but it seems that they help quite a bit with host family recruitment.  There is a regional coordinator who I interviewed with, and she is very positive and supportive.  So, fingers crossed!

I'm also waiting to hear back on a part-time counseling position at a different community college quite close to where I live.  I called the career center contact a week or two ago, and, after talking to me for a while, she suggested there might be an opportunity and that I email the woman who oversees counseling.  I did this at the end of last week.  Not sure why I haven't heard back yet, but I'm still hoping.

Weekend, 3 DPO

My weekend was a good one.  I attended the performance of an Inter.play theatre troupe, called Wing It, Friday night.  The title of the show was, "God, Sex, and Power," so you know there were some juicy stories.  One of the troupe members recently moved back to Africa after getting married and shared a story about homophobia and prejudice in his community, and how he wants to work to change that.  And one piece in which people were sharing about their questions and relationship with God really resonated.  Trying to make meaning and believe that there is a plan for me...

Yesterday, I attended an SMC brunch and met a bunch of interesting, cool women, many with babies in tow.  You should have heard the savvy language we were rocking in that room.  We could have been doctors!  The women responded positively when they heard the number of eggs I had, though a couple of them did go to donor eggs at younger ages than mine.  They encouraged me to just "keep trying," which is easier said than done financially, but it did bolster me to try again a time or two if needed (knock on wood).

I'm particularly excited about a conversation I had with a couple women who live near me and are about to begin trying.  We talked about child care options like nanny care and cooperative child care and also good neighborhoods for school districts and raising kids.  At the end, we said we would get together again soon and continue the conversation.

Another highlight was holding a little red-haired guy, about six months old, who was so mellow and sweet.  Is there any better smell than baby? (assuming their diaper has been changed recently. hehe)  I would love it if my baby had red hair, though this mom was a bit concerned he might get picked on.  I would never have thought of that possibility.

On the IUI front, I've been taking vaginal progesterone two times a day since Friday evening.  I'm definitely noticing some effects.  My breasts are quite sore, and I've had a bit of abdominal cramping.  At first, of course, I thought, "ooh, maybe it's implantation!"  But first of all, it's too early, and second, I read online that progesterone can cause this symptom, as well.  I've been more hungry I would say, too, and a little more crabby.  Nothing too bad, yet. 

I'm going to try and include my chart.  To me it looks like I may have just ovulated on Thursday before the IUI, but I'm not sure I can trust the temps, with medication and all things considered.  I still feel hopeful about the timing.  Any thoughts?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Eeeeek!!!  I'm freaking out a bit so please excuse this random post about signs and symptoms.

So I felt some pulsing sensations in my lower right abdomen on Thursday - oddly right in the middle of my work team meeting at the college.

Last night I felt ravenous and literally devoured a can of smoked oysters.  It's not odd for me to eat oysters, but the way I devoured them was strange.

I've had really wild, intense dreams the past few night with archetypal images like dogs, horses, food (lots of food - dessert and chocolate), and family members.  Last night had lots of little kids, including my sister and her daughter J, although they were siblings in the dream.  I was responsible for the kids and keeping track of them but they were running all over or something.

Then, today, something tangible:  I have pink spotting!  Which I've had before, as you might recall, but it was always later in the cycle.  And it only happened two or three times, on cycles where I had been trying and likely implantation did start to happen.

Finally, the last crazy obsessive point I'll make here today:  the online psychic I emailed with a few months ago said she saw a girl born in "December of 2012."  Actually, she said I would either conceive in December of 2011, which clearly was a bust, or have the baby in December of 2012.

Thanks for listening to my wacky thoughts!  Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Giving it the Last-Minute Try

I'm so excited that some blog friends trying to conceive have been getting BFPs.  A big twin-size Congratulations to Jen!  And sending lots of good thoughts to Mo as she goes for her first ultrasound tomorrow.

I'm not sure I want to talk about it much yet because the dust is settling and more talking will be done this weekend (it's not going to be back to where we were before).  But regardless of the outcome, S and I jumped on the crazy train and gave it another try this month.  Soooo, yeah.

The timing was right, cycle days 13/14, with reference to when I usually ovulate, though I was not tracking with temps or ovu predictors.  And for the first time with us trying, I had noticeable "eggwhite" cm, so that seemed a good sign.

One odd physical symptom I've had for over month now is really sore breasts.  Which could either indicate I'm in peri-menopause, be a reaction to going off prenatal supplements, or be a hormonal reaction to eating more fat in my diet or something.  Anyone else had this happen out of the blue?

On top of that, I've experienced a couple significant breast pangs in the last day and also had twinges in what felt like the right place.  But at just a few days post ovulation, I think it's early and likely means nada.

This may not make sense, but, regardless, I'm happy with this opportunity to try - even taking into account the obsessive aspect of the two-week-wait!