Embryo donation update

Sooo, big news! As I shared a few months ago, we made the weighty decision to donate embryos to a local infertile couple, after reading their profile, exchanging messages, and meeting with them. 

Since that time, I’ve had some feelings come up around my attachment to the embryos, related to my long and complex journey to become a mother. But, bottom line, before we donated them, we thought long and hard about it and decided we wanted to give them a chance to develop and wanted Ellie to have the opportunity for an - albeit untraditional - sibling-type relationship. Nobody promised us it would always be easy. 

In any case, coming back around to the big news, the local couple is 15 weeks pregnant with a boy!! And I’m (mostly) excited!! Yes, I spontaneously and inadvertently broke down crying the other evening when RC made a comment comparing how he felt about the two pregnancies. No. Comparisons. Please. But that doesn’t mean I have any regrets, and my overall feeling is excitement. 

I’ve taken to calling him “little fella,” as in, “I wonder how the little fella’s doing?” etc. I feel fondness for him, and I think that’s a good thing. So, that’s my big news! Happy Thanksgiving! 🦃🍁 

Pregnancy Update #6 - amended re gender!

Amendment: Until I received your comments asking about the gender change, I completely forgot I had not posted about that yet! I had written to friends and made FB posts, but I forgot to update my blog! So sorry!

Yeah, based on genetic NIPT testing, it turns out Pudge is a girl. 😬 The best I can figure out, SneakPeek was contaminated or something. RC was in the room and, although it was very clean,  I didn’t bleach the testing surface, so maybe that was enough. It was embarrassing reannouncing to some of my family. But we are so excited that it balances out! After three boys from his previous life, he finally has his girl. And as I’ve shared, I did see myself being mom to a girl, but had adjusted and was really happy with a boy, too. I loved Pudge as a boy, and I love her as a girl.

Sorry for taking you along on our path of confusion. We are now hard at work coming up with girl names after we’d already reached a short list for a boy. But we are happy and excited and are fully in love with our girl now!
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Overall, my emotions are a bit less intense the last week or so; yay!

I did burst into tears yesterday when we got back to the car after church due to a build up of emotions from a really sore/seized up neck muscle and just the required focus and attention to listen to the service and while socializing afterwards with a very chatty woman. It still surprises me when it happens, this bursting into tears thing. It's quite a foreign experience and catches me off guard. I will say it provides relief and a release of pent up emotions and stress. RC was quite sweet, asking if I was okay and helping to relieve some of the muscle pain with pressure and massage.

Overall, I'd say I'm less reactive and crabby but still have some extra energy and anxiety circulating. Recently, I have noticed I can become overly focused on my family and their reactions, or more commonly their lack of reactions. For example, my Dad still won't really engage with talking about the pregnancy, though he's not being negative either. I think he's still wrapping his head around it. My sister won't respond to my texts many times and is not inviting us to my niece and nephew's ball games, even though I've asked her to several times.

A couple of days ago, though, I decided that I want and need to focus on my/our own life/lives and moving forward on finding activities and relationships that engage us and make us happy here in Oregon. We need to build our own lives, basically, and worry less about being included in other people's. Does that make sense? It feels right, anyway, even though I doubt I will stop wanting to connect more with my family.

More baby news...We had an Obgyn appointment a few days ago, and the doctor easily heard Pudge's heartbeat nice and loud on the doppler. I was surprised when she told us that the top of the uterus is at least halfway up to my belly button; much higher than I thought it was! We discussed me transferring to the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor after my next appointment on May 1st, and I feel comfortable with that. It just makes sense considering their expertise and availability. They can respond to any issues if, God forbid, they arise.

We also listened to Pudge on our at-home doppler yesterday and I found her hearbeat MUCH more easily. So fun! I love having the option to listen and get reassurance if needed. So far, we are only using it once or twice a week. I can't wait until I can feel her moving in there!

If you have experienced pregnancy, do you remember when you first felt the baby move? I have heard a wide variety of timelines, from 13 or 14 weeks to 16 to 18 weeks. I am 13 weeks four days today, so I know it's still early. As with so many other milestones on this journey, I have to practice my patience. 😄

We are in high gear on the baby name search! Still in expanding and eliminating mode and have not yet arrived at a "short list." We will likely include my birth mom's middle name Lynne, however, regardless what first name we land on. I am having a lot of fun with this process and do a little more research and reflection every day. A name is a big deal, I think, and deserves a lot of thought. :)

Rough Day...and Gratitude

Today is a rough day. I was extremely emotional this morning, overwhelmed and sobbing, triggered by RC being in a bad mood and responding with irritability when I asked what he was journaling about.

Something that might have made me feel somewhat sad and disappointed normally became much more intense and tied up in thoughts that he wasn't happy to see me, he didn't like being around me. My inner child said he was being mean and lacking sympathy and care when he didn't comfort me when I was crying. Ach, what a mess.

Yes, he could have risen to the occasion and been the adult with reason, but he was not in a grounded place or able to do that for whatever reason. And, bottom line, I was the one overreacting and losing it. In any case, he went upstairs and then ended up going out, which was honestly not a bad thing, as I needed space, as well. I know he'll be back later and is likely studying for his big personal trainer certification test on Tuesday (one reason why he's ungrounded).

I ate breakfast and am now resting and watching TV. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. I stopped progesterone and estrogen supplementation 2-3 days ago and thought that might lead to less emotionality, not more, but that has not been the case yet, unfortunately. The rain here in Oregon is unceasing right now, as well, which doesn't help my mood, and also prevents me from getting outside for nice, uplifting spring walks.

I recently read that a key to happiness is thinking of three things for which your grateful, every day, so I will end this downer post with that practice, in hopes it helps. Three things for which I'm grateful:

1. We heard Pudge's hearbeat on the home doppler for the second time on Friday; music to our ears.
2. I went to my oldest niece, J's, state book-reading competition (OBOB) yesterday, and it was wonderful to see her having fun and doing something she's passionate about, as well as to connect with my sister and other family members at the event.
3. Even though I'm currently in some limbo, I'm hopeful about my work situation. I completed three applications for new Career/Academic Advisor positions at the U of O, which correlate with 35 (!) total positions. Needless to say, they are dramatically increasing their advising resources, and my hiring odds simultaneously increase, as well. I also just officially applied and was accepted to a local business networking referral group that meets weekly, and I may have already landed my first client through the group - fingers crossed. I'll find out after a week or so, when she finishes the busy tax season.

FET Update #5 - PUPO and signs

The transfer went well! When we arrived, we met with the embryologist who told us that, out of the two they thawed, one looked “perfect,” and the other was struggling a bit to fully expand. She said it was remodeling or rebounding, however, and she was optimistic about its chances once it was transferred to the uterine environment.

She said if we wanted two perfect ones, they would thaw another one, but she said she only recommended that route if we were sure we wanted twins. We decided we’d rather leave it up to God, and, if were meant to have twins, we will. Honestly, once I saw the two embryos, I was in love with both of them and wanted both to have a chance. After we made the decision and signed required paperwork, I had to drink more water and wait a bit for my bladder to fill, then the doctor came in and everything progressed without a hitch.

Traveling back that afternoon by air (using RC's miles, which required us to first travel to L.A. boo!) after the transfer wasn’t ideal, but I tried to take it easy and not rush or lift heavy items, etc.

In the last week, I’ve had some interesting signs that something might be happening in my uterus. I definitely felt light pulling cramps both on the left and the right side in the two days after transfer and, the day afterwards, I experienced two light episodes of spotting. One with darker blood at 5am, and one with pinkish blood at 4pm.  It was very minimal; just on the tissue when I went to the bathroom. Then I had nothing for days until yesterday, when I experienced a squinter streak of old blood on the tissue at 11:30am. I do feel excited about this sign, because the timing, in all three cases, is right on for it to be implantation bleeding.

Additional signs include a bad sinus headache on the left side of my forehead, starting Sunday and going through yesterday.  I also had some interesting brief headache feelings on the top of my head and towards the back, as well as additional pulsing or pang-like cramps here and there.

It may be attributed to the meds, but  I've been quite moody at times, as well, both irritable or easily frustrated and sad. Bursts of emotion, after which you say, "Wow, that came out of nowhere!" Or you realize as you walk, alone and sobbing, down the street (after telling your partner, "Just go ahead! we’re not even talking anyway!" lol), that this is very likely fueled by hormones.

After the spotting, I almost reconsidered doing an HPT, but RC is against it. I think he's probably right because, last time, it was SO stressful for us, and I'd rather stay as calm as possible until the beta. My C & B meditations are totally helping right now, by the way. :) 

The beta test is scheduled for Friday; everything crossed!!

Cycle Report: 8 dpo

The IUI went swimmingly, so to speak. ;-)  Although, perhaps not as painlessly... the doctor on duty was one I had never seen before and, to begin with, she tilted my head down/hips up somewhat, which was a new twist.  Then, she had trouble locating/positioning my cervix.  Finally, she poked the back of my uterus, causing me to cry out.  So, her technique was not the smoothest, yet she got the job done.  And I wondered afterwards whether poking my uterus might actually be a good thing, due to what I've heard about uterine biopsies increasing pregnancy rates.  What do you all think about that idea?  Oh, and S's counts were great, as they were previously. 

I've had a few signs over the past week, which could also be attributed to the progesterone I'm taking:

• Sore breasts since the day after the IUI (even before starting the progesterone).
• Very, very emotional - easy to anger and easy to cry.
• My temps stair-stepped up the last couple of days and today were 98.74.  

Regarding the last sign, I'm wondering if progesterone is cumulative?  In other words, the longer I take it, the more my progesterone level rises?  I also think the multiple follicles had an additive effect on my hormone levels, both with estrogen in the follicular phase and now progesterone.

The emotional side of things has been pretty brutal.  S and I went to Tahoe to spend time with my parents, brother and family, and sister and family - plus my aunt and cousin - from Wednesday until this morning.  We had several arguments, which I felt very sad about because we can't seem to have an argument-free visit with family.

One good insight that came out of the arguing and our processing on the way home is realizing that we approach family visits and prioritize things differently.  To me, the most important thing is our connection to each other, and for him, the most important thing is contributing and interacting well with family.  I think the latter is important, also, but a lower priority compared to maintaining our own relationship.

In any case, it was clear that I was progesterone affected and became angry or upset much more easily.  If progesterone does accumulate, then this next week is going to be a wild ride.

We did have many good experiences on the trip, too, including some great time with my nieces and nephew.  Baby V let me hold her even though she had an ear infection and was fussy.  My oldest niece, J, and I colored together, which is always special, and my three-year-old nephew, E, sat on my lap on the boat ride and played cars.  We also ate some great food, enjoyed hanging out on the dock, and had a great dance party with the kids one night.  I wish I could see the kids more often.