Seeking Simplicity

Oh Lord, why can't things be more simple?

I have been testing twice a day since Saturday, still no positive on the OPKs (doing two types - no smiley face and no darker second line).  My body, on the other hand, seems to be telling me I ovulated yesterday morning.   My breasts have been sore for the last few days - they never normally get sore before my ovulation, but I understand this can happen.  I had a headache all day yesterday.  On an odd side note, I had a double dose of my normal sexy feelings on Friday/Saturday.  Lastly, my temperature went up a couple of tenths yesterday and a fraction of a tenth again today.  It seems like my hormones are still a bit revved up from the medicated cycle last month, but there seem to be indicators pointing to ovulating yesterday, don't you agree?

We were trying to avoid a lot of monitoring this cycle, but I concede the picture is much less clear without it.  I just wanted a simple positive OPK-do the trigger shot-go in for an IUI the next day cycle.  Is that too much to ask?  Yes, apparently it is.

We leave for our trip tomorrow mid-day.  If I don't get a positive OPK this evening, then we will forgo the IUI and hope for the best.  If I get a positive, then I'll do the trigger shot and we'll go for the IUI right before driving to the airport - which would be a bit crazy but worth it to bypass by difficult cervix and give things more of a chance.  S and I have been covering the bases with BDing, so if they can fight their way through...

On a more positive note, the talk with the NVC support person went well.  She suggested I might choose to celebrate the intense relationship I had with R in my early 20's, in which I was able to feel such excitement and abandon (which may lead to some letting go).  Considering how poorly things went in our second try a few years ago, these feelings are clearly more specific to that past relationship and who I/we were then, versus any lasting reality.

I can also continue to ask myself whether I can be present in my relationship with S and fully experience love with him, allowing all of who he is, including faults, and all our relationship brings to my life.  Am I able to open to that kind of love right now, in this moment?  Maybe not, but I hope that I am.

On his part, he had a realization that he was subconsciously testing me in certain ways, and he thinks that our honest conversation last night may well help tone down the fighting we can fall into.



I haven't been posting much because of being in a tough place with S right now.  He's coming over today to finish the conversation we started about the Lake Tahoe trip on Thursday night.  It was a productive conversation - one key insight emerged that, at our core, we both want the same thing, i.e. to stay connected and not be "abandoned" by the other while with family.  But our strategies and vision of what this looks like are very different and actually can work against each other. 

The fact that we devolve into such an ugly and painful place when we are emotionally triggered and fighting in these situations brings up some pretty intense fear in me.  I want us to have more discipline and ability to stay grounded in the face of stress (of which life dishes out plenty).  Even more than that, I long for us to have the ability to support one another through difficult times - to prop each other up versus tear each other down further. 

Yes, progesterone most definitely played a role.  But why couldn't he keep that in mind and cut me more slack, versus becoming angry and reactive?  I needed help to find my way back to my better self and to remember the bigger picture.  For a variety of reasons, including his own anxieties and fears, he couldn't help me with that.  Maybe my expectations of him are neither fair nor possible.

Wish us luck in our discussions.  We leave this coming Wednesday for a week-long trip to Washington DC to see his daughter and her boyfriend, and participate in a climate change rally.  We will need to be strong and resilient to make it through this trip and come out the other side in decent shape.  In addition to our discussions, I'm seeking individual support in the form of a Non-Violent Communication "Empathy Session" (basically a support session), which will hopefully take place today or tomorrow.  I have a sense that I need to grieve the parts of S which do not match my "ideal" version of a mate or of a relationship.  My continued internal judgments of him don't help the situation.

On the ttc front, I am still planning to start doing OPKs later today.  We may or may not do an IUI before we leave on the trip.  Otherwise, we will just do a trigger shot and try naturally, as mentioned.  I plan to go to acupuncture weekly again, starting when I get back from DC.


Another Fail and Regrouping

As I thought would happen, the spotting got heavier last night, and this morning became full flow.  I cried on the phone with S this morning and made him share his feelings, too, though he was trying to steer clear of them.

The way my period started with so much dark spotting etc. over an entire day was very strange.  I so wish I could know exactly what happened - i.e. conception occurred but implantation failed due to egg quality.  That's what I think happened, but I'd like to know.  The obligatory pregnancy test this morning was stark white.

I'm drinking coffee right now and plan to indulge in multiple glasses of wine at the fundraising dinner we are attending later.

As mentioned, S's birthday was yesterday.  "Happy Birthday to You - this cycle didn't work!" right?  But I did have fun buying him a couple of cool, new shirts and making a chocolate birthday cake.  We are going to celebrate later before the dinner.

This morning, I put a call into the fertility center and am awaiting their callback.  We plan to do an unmedicated IUI cycle, with a trigger shot, in consideration of my difficult cervix and to take advantage of the possible "fertility bump" after doing a medicated cycle.

Any thoughts on whether I should take progesterone the entire luteal phase?  Progesterone supplements do not like me much, and the feeling is mutual.  I'm also curious what my natural progesterone response is at this point.  I'm thinking to maybe wait a week after ovulation, then test the level and go from there...


What's going on?

I'm at 13dpo and pretty sure this cycle is a bust.  My period is starting so strangely, though.  I've had no cramping but have had quite a bit of dark spotting this morning with a, sorry for tmi, tiny bit of tissue and a couple red spots.  Also, my boobs are no longer sore but for a minute they had a burning sensation.  Very unusual. 

Anyone other ttc'ers had any of these wierd symptoms?

I'll let you know what happens as the day goes on.  I'm thinking it's likely I'll get my period sometime soon, sad to say.

It's S's birthday today.  We have been talking less this past week, trying to sort through what the h-e-double hockey sticks happened on the Tahoe trip.  Last night, we had dinner at a yummy noodle place and talked a bit.  It was good to see him, and I felt closer to him by the end of the evening.  Could progesterone be the main culprit?  It's hard to believe it is that powerful.


Cycle Report: 8 dpo

The IUI went swimmingly, so to speak. ;-)  Although, perhaps not as painlessly... the doctor on duty was one I had never seen before and, to begin with, she tilted my head down/hips up somewhat, which was a new twist.  Then, she had trouble locating/positioning my cervix.  Finally, she poked the back of my uterus, causing me to cry out.  So, her technique was not the smoothest, yet she got the job done.  And I wondered afterwards whether poking my uterus might actually be a good thing, due to what I've heard about uterine biopsies increasing pregnancy rates.  What do you all think about that idea?  Oh, and S's counts were great, as they were previously. 

I've had a few signs over the past week, which could also be attributed to the progesterone I'm taking:

  • Sore breasts since the day after the IUI (even before starting the progesterone).
  • Very, very emotional - easy to anger and easy to cry.
  • My temps stair-stepped up the last couple of days and today were 98.74.  

Regarding the last sign, I'm wondering if progesterone is cumulative?  In other words, the longer I take it, the more my progesterone level rises?  I also think the multiple follicles had an additive effect on my hormone levels, both with estrogen in the follicular phase and now progesterone.

The emotional side of things has been pretty brutal.  S and I went to Tahoe to spend time with my parents, brother and family, and sister and family - plus my aunt and cousin - from Wednesday until this morning.  We had several arguments, which I felt very sad about because we can't seem to have an argument-free visit with family.

One good insight that came out of the arguing and our processing on the way home is realizing that we approach family visits and prioritize things differently.  To me, the most important thing is our connection to each other, and for him, the most important thing is contributing and interacting well with family.  I think the latter is important, also, but a lower priority compared to maintaining our own relationship.

In any case, it was clear that I was progesterone affected and became angry or upset much more easily.  If progesterone does accumulate, then this next week is going to be a wild ride.

We did have many good experiences on the trip, too, including some great time with my nieces and nephew.  Baby V let me hold her even though she had an ear infection and was fussy.  My oldest niece, J, and I colored together, which is always special, and my three-year-old nephew, E, sat on my lap on the boat ride and played cars.  We also ate some great food, enjoyed hanging out on the dock, and had a great dance party with the kids one night.  I wish I could see the kids more often.