I'm back from my fairly disappointing trip up North.
Sipping wine and, I'm sad to say, smoking a few cigarettes this afternoon (I am prone to do this occasionally at times of emotional stress).
The wedding was lovely. Everything came together as far as my dress, my toast, my poem reading, and standing up - proudly - for my brother. The wedding activities and wedding came off beautifully, without any major difficulties. It felt so good to be there for my brother at the rehearsal and just prior to the ceremony and hear his thoughts, give him some sisterly advice to be in the moment, drink water, etc. I love my brother so much and hope he is incredibly happy with his new bride.
The situation with R on the other hand. . . well, let's say it did NOT unfold as hoped or planned.
The night prior to him driving down for the weekend from Washington, after I had already arrived in Oregon, he dropped out of communication. I tried to text and call but no R. I wanted to figure out some plans for the next day, confirm when he was driving down, etc., but could not reach him. I called Friday morning and he was on his way driving down. Tension arose when I asked him about where he was the night before and why didn't he check his phone or communicate with me. He got angry and felt I was unfairly giving him the second degree (this was after telling me he had gone out with a friend to a bar and lost track of time). He called back later and apologized and when he arrived in town, things seemed to be okay and start well as we picked up my stuff from my sister's and headed to the hotel.
The rehearsal and dinner that evening all flowed well and I felt fairly close to him, although there was a moment during dinner where he talked about my sister and feeling like he wanted to "take care of her" and like she had a lot on her mind or something, which didn't sit well with me. Perhaps I was feeling some distance between us and this added to the insecurity that already comes up for me around my family. He did not understand my feelings and thought I was being weird.
Later, some of us went over to the hotel bar and at that point I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I am no longer a big party person, though in the past (college and a few years past - including the time when I was first with him) I was right there with the most hard core of them all. He was definitely in the swing of the party, and I felt he was more tuned into drinking than to me.
We did have a wonderful moment where we found a piano and he played, while I dance to the music. Wonderful. And others noticed and thought it was cool. But when we came back to the bar area, the core group had left to go to a bar and it felt to me like we had "missed the wave." I was kind of done truthfully and wanted to just let the night end there, but R was still energized and ready to go.
We went back to the room and I collapsed on the bed (relevant information: I recently started taking an anti-depressant for PMDD and this exaggerates some effects of alcohol). He was on a roll and quickly changed his clothes to go out and join them. I did not like this. It felt strange that he has just met these people and had said he was coming for the wedding to be there for me, yet he was going to leave me and join the others. He left but came back not long after, bringing me a diet pepsi and seeming somewhat contrite.
The next morning, I was feeling some residual funkiness from the night before and tried to talk about it with him over breakfast, but he got really irritated and was hinting that he had doubts about our compatibility, which of course I asked him directly about as is my way. He said yeah, maybe so or something, which sent me into upset and crying. This all seems so silly and dramatic describing it by the way. . .
Anyway, the day progressed, tea bags on the eyes, retraction of what he said, dressing, beautiful wedding ceremony and then reception. During the reception, I noticed he was tracking my sister around the room with his eyes and smiling a little, which triggered my insecurity (my sister is 7 years younger, thinner, the favorite of my parents). I prefaced things with saying I was worried he would be mad and that I just needed reassurance, my own insecurity, etc., and directly communicated my feelings, again, as is my way. He got really mad and said something like "leave me alone," so I left our table and went and hung out, ironically, with my sister and my niece. A while later, I came back and we made up and he admitted he could have made the choice just to reassure me, he just didn't understand my feelings or whatever. We went on to have a really fabulous time dancing together.
The rest of the reception went well but somehow - and I admit that I am part of this decision as my cousins were pressuring me to stay - we ended up with the late night crowd. We actually were fairly connected during all this but I definitely had some judgment around his drinking and also lack of content or depth to our conversations. . . anyway, things went okay until the next morning when he got mad again when I tried to tell him that I didn't feel comfortable with something. When I looked back on things, it was like he developed a hair trigger and just immediately felt irritated whenever I brought up any feelings. It sucked.
We went to the brunch at my parents, visited my grandparents (which was great and really wonderful he came with me for that - meant a lot to me and my grandmother who is suffering from dementia), then drove up to Washington. The drive was fairly disconnected, to say the least.
The next day, he went to work early and when he got back, after shopping, we "checked in," and he told me again that he did not think it was going to work. Really? After a crazy family wedding weekend, filled with emotion and drinking? You are going to make that kind of big picture judgment NOW? I was clearly extremely upset and shocked, though maybe I should not have been looking back at the weekend. . . to be continued.