Pregnancy Update #1 - sneaky beta and symptoms; wedding progress

Sooo, I kind of cheated last week and snuck in for a third beta. The wait for the ultrasound seemed to stretch out forever, and I was feeling some anxiety and doubts, despite the strong first two betas.

I got the idea from friends on the private FB page for folks going through my clinic's program. They said that they found the wait excruciating, also, and went in for another "reassurance" beta. I still had the order from my clinic, which doesn't have a limitation to number of times or any specific dates, and went down to a nearby Quest lab. Results came back "very" reassuring at 17,368 (5 weeks 2 days)!

That reassurance carried me a few more days; now, the anxiety is creeping back in, despite having increasing symptoms. I guess this must be emotional repercussions (PTSD?) from my years of many failed attempts, or even the last cycle, which ended in a chemical. I don't think I'll fully believe I'm pregnant until I see Popo and Budge (or Pudge :) on the ultrasound.

Speaking of which, the ultrasound is still scheduled for March 6th, 12 long days away. If a spot opens up, the doctor said I could come in sooner, but that's doubtful because both an ultrasound and Obgyn workup appointment would need to open up on the same day.

For funsies, I will share the symptoms I've been having. Please share what symptoms you had in your pregnancy, if you've been pregnant and are willing to share. Thanks!

Symptoms:

1. Breast soreness: initially off and on, as of the last couple of days, some level of consistent soreness, but not too intense.
2. Insomnia: wake up most every night around 3 or 4am and am awake for some period of time.
3. Napping: Due to the above, often take a nap after doing my daily pregnancy meditation (I'm not a napper).
4. Mood changes: more emotional and reactive; have responded quite harshly to RC several times and had to apologize. Saying things I would never normally say. Also, increased anxiety at times, and my mind is swirling or overly active.
5. Communication: perhaps related to above, I find myself more "chatty" than I've ever been. I just seem to talk more, in streams of chattiness that is unlike me. Unless I'm in an exhausted place, where I zone out in a semi-stupor. :)
6. Brain fog: pretty self-explanatory...I feel unfocused and fumble around trying to get organized or out the door, at times.
7. Food: smoked salmon, salmon in general really, has never sounded more disgusting. Often, the healthy, veggie-heavy dinners RC cooks, sound awful unfortunately. Cooked veggies, in general, sound bad, except for potatoes or french fries. Salads are okay, raw celery. Fruit is great, and hamburgers - or the other day a delicious gyro - are cravings at times. Spicy foods often sound appealing, oddly.
8. Nausea: I had one wierd incident yesterday, when I was out walking Zoey, where I suddenly felt overheated and BLECH. Not like I was about to throw-up but just gross and I guess you could say somewhat nauseated. I felt like I couldn't make all the way back down our street and home, lol. But, overall, no morning sickness or nausea, which has been a concern because so many women feel this. I just reached 6 weeks today, so maybe I have that to look forward to.

Lastly, despite my foggy brain, wedding planning has progressed, and all the major pieces are in place. Venue and food, check; DJ, check; rehearsal dinner venue, check; decorations and centerpieces, check (found more antique-style table clocks, yay!); officiant, check; wedding party confirmed, check (RC had some struggles around this when one son cancelled last minute, but my uncle stepped in :); flowers, check.

We are super excited for our honeymoon, now, as well. Even though my Dad declined to pay for the wedding, or any part of the wedding, up front, he and the rest of my immediate family went in on the lodging for our honeymoon in Victoria, BC - amazing! Lots of gratitude and some warming towards my Dad around that one, which we just found out about yesterday. We will be staying in a 17-suite Bed and Breakfast downtown, across from a lovely park (Beacon Park?) and near all the sights and activities along the Bay. Yay!

FET Update #3 plus family disappointment

I have been just trucking along the last week-and-a-half, doing my lovenox and lupron injections in the morning, and taking estrogen in both through patches (two patches, changed every other day) and pills (two a day).

Unfortunately, we don't have a window in to my uterus, so we have been hoping and praying that the lining is building up to the level they want at this point, which is a minimum of 8mm, though I understand they are okay with 7.5. I've been doing the Circle & Bloom meditations on most days, which include visualizing the uterus filled with light or circulating at the perfect temperature with the perfect amount of oxygen and blood flow, etc.

Yesterday was the lining check, through which we are finally able to learn whether all the effort has paid off. Drumroll, please.................the ultrasound showed that my lining was at.................a little over 8mm!!! Hallelujah! And there were no issues of concern like activity in the ovaries. We were given the official go-ahead to transfer on January 29th. We had already booked our airline tickets and hotel stay on faith, so, after scheduling a pet sitter yesterday, our trip to Sacramento is planned.

After going back and forth a little, further discussing the decision about one or two embryos, we are back to a clear choice on two. With all that we are putting into this effort - time, energy, drugs into my system, money, emotional involvement - we want to give it the best chance of success. We are open to twins, and we would love to come home with either one or two babies. We are afraid of the work and overwhelm - who wouldn't be? - but we are going into it with our eyes open.

I have a lot more to share about life, family, wedding planning, etc., but time seems shorter lately, and it's moving at a rapid pace. I will share that we are figuring out wedding details, despite the fact my dad unexpectedly and sadly refused to contribute anything. He said I'm too old, and he doesn't agree with decisions I've made; that I have no real accomplishments in my life. Great Dad, thanks, you're the best. What he said about me hurt a lot more than him choosing not to contribute.

I guess all my creative accomplishments in acting (completing a conservatory and perfoming in local theater in Seattle), dance (studying and performing in jazz and modern over many years, then learning swing dance and auditioning/performing with a swing dance team), in addition to my masters degree and many years working as an academic and career counselor in high schools and community colleges don't count for anything in your book? I wouldn't expect him to understand or validate all the counseling and self-development work I've done, but I do have measurable successes.

His viewpoint seems extremely limited and clouded by judgment about several financial mistakes I made in my 20s. He did catch me off guard mention receiving creditor calls, which on reflection, I believe were related to my wallet and identity being stolen in 2012, a fact I didn't discover and work to resolve until 2015. I will follow up about this. The strange thing is that RC and I have hung out with he and his partner several times, and I felt pretty good about our relationship since I've moved back.

Where I'm at now with it is that I love my Dad and will continue to love him, but I also need to take care of myself. I'm not buying into his judgments about me, as I might have in earlier years. RC and I will figure out more simple wedding plans. I hope at some point my Dad will change and see things differently, but I'm not counting on it. Onward and upward!

FET Update #2 - a speed bump

A speed bump, or more accurately, a most-unwelcome cyst. When I went for my baseline ultrasound a week and a half ago, there it was: a 3.6cm ugly ol' cyst on my left ovary.

Sooo, they gave me a choice to delay the cycle to go ahead and start on my Lupron that next Saturday. I chose the Lupron, then tested again last Thursday. The cyst had shrunk to 2.8cm, and I was initially elated, but later found out that wasn't enough for the doctor. Doing some research online, I think that under 2.5cm becomes "clinically insignificant," so I was close, but no cigar.

Thus, per doctor's orders, I am continuing to take Lupron at 10 units (hello crotchety mood) until this Thursday when I test again and, God willing, the pesky little cyst shrinks further or disappears. Everything crossed! Once that happens, I can start my estrogen and get this ball rolling. As of now, the transfer is now delayed at least until January 31st, but likely the beginning of February.

In other news... RC proposed on NYE!!! I am very excited and, since we are going for a March 9th wedding, I am immediately entering planning mode. We already know our reception venue, my family's downtown athletic club ballroom, and we think we found our ceremony venue, a Unity Church we attended yesterday and liked a lot. Waiting to hear back on availability.

Here is a picture of what, for now, I'm referring to as "my precious" because I love it so much and don't want to take it off. ❤️

Disappointing Trip Report - Part I

I'm back from my fairly disappointing trip up North.

Sipping wine and, I'm sad to say, smoking a few cigarettes this afternoon (I am prone to do this occasionally at times of emotional stress).

The wedding was lovely.  Everything came together as far as my dress, my toast, my poem reading, and standing up - proudly - for my brother.  The wedding activities and wedding came off beautifully, without any major difficulties.  It felt so good to be there for my brother at the rehearsal and just prior to the ceremony and hear his thoughts, give him some sisterly advice to be in the moment, drink water, etc.  I love my brother so much and hope he is incredibly happy with his new bride.

The situation with R on the other hand. . . well, let's say it did NOT unfold as hoped or planned.

The night prior to him driving down for the weekend from Washington, after I had already arrived in Oregon, he dropped out of communication.  I tried to text and call but no R.  I wanted to figure out some plans for the next day, confirm when he was driving down, etc., but could not reach him.  I called Friday morning and he was on his way driving down.  Tension arose when I asked him about where he was the night before and why didn't he check his phone or communicate with me.  He got angry and felt I was unfairly giving him the second degree (this was after telling me he had gone out with a friend to a bar and lost track of time).  He called back later and apologized and when he arrived in town, things seemed to be okay and start well as we picked up my stuff from my sister's and headed to the hotel.

The rehearsal and dinner that evening all flowed well and I felt fairly close to him, although there was a moment during dinner where he talked about my sister and feeling like he wanted to "take care of her" and like she had a lot on her mind or something, which didn't sit well with me.  Perhaps I was feeling some distance between us and this added to the insecurity that already comes up for me around my family.  He did not understand my feelings and thought I was being weird.

Later, some of us went over to the hotel bar and at that point I was starting to feel uncomfortable.  I am no longer a big party person, though in the past (college and a few years past - including the time when I was first with him) I was right there with the most hard core of them all.  He was definitely in the swing of the party, and I felt he was more tuned into drinking than to me.

We did have a wonderful moment where we found a piano and he played, while I dance to the music.  Wonderful.  And others noticed and thought it was cool.  But when we came back to the bar area, the core group had left to go to a bar and it felt to me like we had "missed the wave."  I was kind of done truthfully and wanted to just let the night end there, but R was still energized and ready to go.

We went back to the room and I collapsed on the bed (relevant information: I recently started taking an anti-depressant for PMDD and this exaggerates some effects of alcohol).  He was on a roll and quickly changed his clothes to go out and join them.  I did not like this.  It felt strange that he has just met these people and had said he was coming for the wedding to be there for me, yet he was going to leave me and join the others.  He left but came back not long after, bringing me a diet pepsi and seeming somewhat contrite.

The next morning, I was feeling some residual funkiness from the night before and tried to talk about it with him over breakfast, but he got really irritated and was hinting that he had doubts about our compatibility, which of course I asked him directly about as is my way.  He said yeah, maybe so or something, which sent me into upset and crying.  This all seems so silly and dramatic describing it by the way. . .

Anyway, the day progressed, tea bags on the eyes, retraction of what he said, dressing, beautiful wedding ceremony and then reception.  During the reception, I noticed he was tracking my sister around the room with his eyes and smiling a little, which triggered my insecurity (my sister is 7 years younger, thinner, the favorite of my parents).  I prefaced things with saying I was worried he would be mad and that I just needed reassurance, my own insecurity, etc., and directly communicated my feelings, again, as is my way.  He got really mad and said something like "leave me alone," so I left our table and went and hung out, ironically, with my sister and my niece.  A while later, I came back and we made up and he admitted he could have made the choice just to reassure me, he just didn't understand my feelings or whatever.  We went on to have a really fabulous time dancing together.

The rest of the reception went well but somehow - and I admit that I am part of this decision as my cousins were pressuring me to stay - we ended up with the late night crowd.  We actually were fairly connected during all this but I definitely had some judgment around his drinking and also lack of content or depth to our conversations. . . anyway, things went okay until the next morning when he got mad again when I tried to tell him that I didn't feel comfortable with something.  When I looked back on things, it was like he developed a hair trigger and just immediately felt irritated whenever I brought up any feelings.  It sucked.

We went to the brunch at my parents, visited my grandparents (which was great and really wonderful he came with me for that - meant a lot to me and my grandmother who is suffering from dementia), then drove up to Washington.  The drive was fairly disconnected, to say the least.

The next day, he went to work early and when he got back, after shopping, we "checked in," and he told me again that he did not think it was going to work.  Really?  After a crazy family wedding weekend, filled with emotion and drinking?  You are going to make that kind of big picture judgment NOW?  I was clearly extremely upset and shocked, though maybe I should not have been looking back at the weekend. . . to be continued.

Wedding Prep and 7-11 Run or "Just Breathe"

My brother's wedding is in 11 days and I am NOT ready for it.  The dress I ordered at the end of January has still not arrived, and when I finally got ahold of someone at the online store yesterday they informed me that it was highly unlikely it would arrive prior to my departure date next Wednesday.

Aaargh!  Then why did your system let me place the order with an event date for which you could not deliver?  She said she would pass on the information to a manager and they would get back to me, but I'm not holding my breath.

The good news is that since I am the only "groomswoman,"  I could wear something slightly different and it wouldn't make that much of an impact; and I know my brother doesn't really care because he told me so.  I have already contacted local reps at Nord.strom who are researching alternative strapless black bridesmaid-type dresses.  Wish me luck!

In addition, I feel as one of the sister's of the groom I should make at least one speech. . .something I want to do because I love my brother, but which also makes me nervous!  I haven't thought anything through yet and need to focus on this task asap, as well as rehearsing for a (shortened) poem reading I will deliver during the ceremony.

My brother's fiance chose the poem by Sandol Stoddard Warburg, the several-stanza longer version can be found here (she cut the throwing up and broken arm part for some reason).  What do you think?  My brother likens it to a children's book, and I can see why.  I've heard it before and actually like it, though it's longer than I would prefer.  To feel comfortable, I'm thinking I should read it through at least 25 times, which averages 2+ times per day until the wedding.  Message to self: "Get on it, Kristina!!!"

R's presence at the wedding will be a stabilizing and comforting thing for me.  He is now coming Friday and will attend the rehearsal dinner, as well as the wedding.

He will meet my family (and distract me from potential sadness around my father).  He will stand by me, sit next to me, and dance with me.  He will be MY date, my partner throughout the weekend events, which will significantly enrich my experience and increase the fun.  My sister's wedding sort of sucked for me in many ways due to the absence of said partner - but that is another story.

Obviously, this is my brother's special day, and my focus will be on being there for him in any way I can.  I actually hope and believe that R will help me do a better job in that role.

Maybe due to the wedding or maybe due to the possibilities floating around out there of significant life change on the horizon, my anxiety level has been fairly high the last couple of days.  My spontaneous trip to 7-11 and the fiery Chex Mix and Skor bar I consumed lend evidence to this fact!  I am actually looking forward to going running today so expel some of that excess energy.

And I realized yesterday that I can choose to release control over how a situation or conversation unfolds and just focus on breathing and staying open.  It felt good to succeed in achieving that goal.