Less than Uplifting

As you might have imagined, this last cycle came to an end a couple days ago.  I've been feeling physically and emotionally down but not despairing.   Maybe I'm kind of numb.   I went shopping and to happy hour yesterday, perhaps that says something?

I'm not excited to start this job at all, which sucks.  I want to be excited and hopeful.  Nervous is normal, but dreading it?  What was I thinking applying for a teaching job with junior high school hormone-fueled wild eyed provocateurs kids?  Even if it is in career development, a subject I love and love to share.

I'm having nightmare imaginings of kids throwing things and talking loudly and refusing to pay attention or engage with the material at all.  Also, that I will have no down time and will feel overwhelmed and completely drained halfway through the day.

I guess the good news is that anything that does actually happen will likely be better than what I'm imagining!

Did I mention I have to be there at the school Tuesday morning at 7:50 a.m. to meet and greet the teachers etc. and then head into our first of SIX class periods at 8:30.  Those of you who are teachers will be laughing at me I'm sure.  You do this every day.

Sorry for the less than uplifting post.  I think I'll be in a better mood later this week. . .


The Disappointment Continues

Chalk up two more BFNs in the record book.

This cycle currently stands at 11 dpo.  I read on one website that the average day women on the site received a positive HPT was 11.7 dpo.  Another site said around 13 dpo.  So, I suppose there is still a chance I might get a positive in the next couple of days.

Yesterday, my breasts were quite sore but today less so.  I also felt period-like heaviness/tightness in my lower abdomen/back but then again it may have been due to sore back muscles and indigestion. lol  You just never know.  My temperature is remaining high so far.

If you didn't see the relationship questions in the last post, please take a look and respond if you have the time/inclination.  Inquiring minds want to know!  If I get a few responses, I will write a summary post.  You can email me if you are more comfortable, and I can keep your name confidential.

I'm looking forward to going out to pizza with sh/cm tonight.  That has become one of our 2ww rituals, usually during the last few days of my cycle (anyone else have rituals to help get through stressful times or is it just me?).

Then Sunday, after I go to my ecstatic dance group and sh/cm goes to his krav maga workout, we are heading to a local park with some of my dance peeps to chill together at this festival.

Next weekend, we are going down to San Diego for Labor Day weekend to meet his brother, his brother's wife, and their two boys.  I'm really looking forward to getting to know his brother, as they were and are very close, partly due to weathering the difficulties of divorce and a mean stepfather together.

Anyone else have Labor Day plans they are looking forward to?

In October, we will swing the other direction and visit my fam up in Oregon.  More on that at a later time.

For now, I shall bravely return to face the short remainder of this 2ww!


HPT/Relationship Results

I took my first HPT today.  B - F - N

I didn't really expect much more for 9 days post-ovulation (dpo) and not experiencing any blatant signs, as of yet.  In previous cycles, if I took an HPT at all, it was later in the cycle, when it was more likely to be accurate.

But this time, I decided that I would take a completely different approach and test every day, starting at 9 dpo.  My thinking is that I will not be as disappointed with early negatives.  Also, it gives me something active and real on which to focus, when I can so easily slip into overanalyzing every little non-symptom.

Speaking of which, what I've felt so far, pregnancy related or not:  sharp twinge-like cramps on the right lower side of uterus at 4 dpo; breast soreness, especially the last few days; lighter twinges on right lower side of uterus, as well as slightly higher on left side, yesterday; a low-grade but persistent headache on 3 and especially 6 dpo.

So, nothing too out of this world definitive and exciting.  I will report on whether anything changes and on the daily test results.  My cycle usually ends on day 28, but this cycle had a short pre-ovulation phase  so I'm guessing it will end at 26 days, though still 13/14 dpo.

Another topic on my mind, stemming from my relationship with sh/cm, regards the 80/20 rule.  Have you heard of this?  Apparently, in most working relationships, about 80% is good and about 20% is not so good.  

I'm curious, first about whether this is true for all my friends/acquaintances (both online and off) who are in working relationships (have been together more than a few months and would say they are in a "long-term" relationship).  If not, what IS the percentage ratio?

And second, what is the approximately 80% and 20% each comprised of?  For instance, do most people seem to more highly value the sexual side of the relationship or the friendship side?  This could be further divided into the four quadrants: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.  Where do each of these four quadrants tend to fall in that 80/20 split?  

And then I can analyze what, if any, patterns emerge. . .

Or perhaps every partnership is unique and the results will fall all over the map?

If those of you who are in long-term relationships would be willing to share your thoughts on these questions, I would appreciate it.  Then, I can add mine, compile, and summarize the results back through this blog.  I plan to keep asking people until I collect answers from approximately 20-30 people.

I don't want to share too much yet about my own answers, except to say that my relationship with sh/cm is not perfect.  I know that no relationship is perfect, and I'm reflecting on whether I believe ours is perfect enough.  It's the best relationship I have had, and definitely the most intimate in all quadrants.  We continue to grow, both in the relationship and individually.

But, ironically, my relationship with the old flame was stronger in the one area that is challenging in some ways for me with sh/cm.  So I have this recent situation that was so much worse in almost all areas,  yet mocks me with it's perfection in this one area.  :-/

Any feedback or thoughts welcome!


Land of the Two Week Wait

Checking in from the Land of the Two Week Wait.

I started using Fertility Friend this month and have found it helpful - and fun!  I enjoy overlaying my chart on others' BFP charts (especially those over 35-years-old) and seeing how things align.

It looks as if I ovulated two days early this month for some reason; possibly the acupuncture and supplements having an impact?  In any case, due to this fact, we barely caught the peak window.

In looking back at the ovulation signs. . . My ovulation predictor was already positive when I first tested on Monday morning, and I'm imagining would have showed a first positive on Sunday.  My temperature dipped Monday and then rose Tuesday, indicating I probably did ovulate sometime Monday.  Sorry to those of you who are bored with these details! :)

We tried on Monday and Tuesday, but I feel Tuesday was likely too late.  We also tried the previous Thursday, which may have helped if ovulation was early.  Do those of you that have ttc'd and charted your basal temperature find that your temp rises predictably the day after ovulation?  I think that's usually the case.

And finally, I want to report my first hopeful 2ww sign:  I felt several sharp twinges in what I think was the right side of my uterus just after I got into bed last night.  All in the same place and all the same sharp, pointed, twinge-like feeling.  We will see if any more positive signs follow.

Anyway, enough of the 2ww madness for now, though I'm sure I'll have more to share later. ;-)


TTC, Relationship, and Work Updates

Checking in today with what's on my mind. . .

Sh/cm and I are heading in to another week of trying to conceive.  I plan to start ovu testing tomorrow.  Feeling like next month might be a better month but also excited to try again.  Added supports this time around include starting acupuncture a couple weeks ago and taking these supplements for about a month.

It's harder with sh/cm working full-time, but we have sleepover plans every other day.  He's noticeably more tired during the week now (he is also working on writing projects in the evening), so we will see how it goes!

Also, our relationship continues to progress.  It feels deeper and more "real" than it has ever been (and than I have experienced in other previous relationships).  We are communicating a lot about communication.  About my pattern of saying things more strongly than I should in moments of emotional overwhelm, and how he withdraws and goes into his head/analysis versus heart at times in reaction to my communication.

I realized I've assumed I should be able to express things strongly in the moment and be forgiven due to my being "triggered," but that is not taking full responsibility for how what I say affects him and others.  He is realizing he has some strong "shoulds" in his head and can take communication very literally, then struggle to forgive (if any of you are familiar with Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator, he is an INTP and I am an INFP, so some of this related to the way we make decisions).

The good news is that we have been able to move through stuckness so far, communicate openly, at least after a while, and regain our warmth and closeness.  We are falling into old patterns less often now, as well, though we still have work to do.  I feel closer and closer to him, which is encouraging to me.

Moving on to work developments. . .  I started training for my new part-time job last week.  Completed and turned in the LOAD of HR paperwork and will be meeting with the HR representative Monday morning to approve it and assure all the i's are dotted and t's crossed.

Received a worrisome voicemail from my boss yesterday asking me to confirm I have a "Counseling Degree."  We talked about my education and qualifications, so I'm hoping this is not going to turn into an issue.  I have a Masters in Psychology, Integrative Studies, which combined theatre and psychology.  My coursework included all the required psychology coursework, however, AND my degree focus was teaching/facilitating career exploration workshops.  Totally related to this position teaching career exploration curriculum in schools (plus all my experience working with high school youth).  Wish me luck!  It would be quite a disappointment if this job doesn't go forward.

Finally, I am very sad this week hearing about newly discovered medical problems with the infants of two mom bloggers I read.  Please send thoughts and prayers to Claire and Shannon that their precious babies get the highest quality care and have the best possible outcomes.


Cycle Day 1


Disappointing, but not surprising.  This cycle just didn't feel "active," like anything was happening.

I have had a couple of early chemical pregnancies that didn't stick (as well as a bit later miscarriage a few years ago, but that's a post for another day), and I feel like I notice subtle conception feelings in my body.

People say every cycle is different, and sometimes you just don't know, but I find it hard to believe I would have no clue at this point.  Wouldn't mind being proven wrong!

Looking forward to this weekend. . .

Tonight, we are having dinner at the restaurant near where sh/cm lives called "Crepevine," where we had several of our early dates.  For a variety of reasons, we haven't been lately, but tonight I am very much looking forward to a glass of red wine and one of their famous gourmet burgers.

Sunday, we are starting the day with one of my favorite weekend activities, a trip to the Farmer's Market, and then heading off to a workshop called, "The Workshop Workshop."  Yep, I just said workshop three times in one sentence. hehe  It's about creating an impactful workshop in your area of expertise, building from the ground up.

I hope to expand my workshop creation/facilitation abilities beyond past interactive theatre and book-based workshops and bring some new techniques on board.  Potential for solo work, money making, career and self development content, Transition Town/localization/sustainability work, partnering with local organizations, etc.  Woo hoo!

What are your weekend plans?


Cycle Update, with Garlic on the Side

Thanks you to those who commented about your supplements: it sounds like I am on the same page with many of you, and I also learned a couple of things!

So, this cycle looks to be a bust.  I haven't had any twinges or implantation spotting or really any other signs to speak of.  I've been tired but have also been going to bed late.

I do wonder about the effects of the supplements, though, and perhaps my body taking time to get used to them.  Curious if any of you noticed any reactions or differences in your cycle after starting supplements?

A couple specific new effects I've noticed: first, this is a weird one, but my face, especially around my mouth/lips, has felt little surges of tingling; and second, my basal temperature kept climbing after ovulation to 98.2 and hung out for three days, whereas it has recently been rising to only 97.9 and staying there.  A couple of days ago, it did come back down and settle at 97.9.

I've also had a few deep feeling twinges/pain in my breasts, but that is likely just PMS stuff.

Feeling absolutely nothing from the uterus area.

My cycle is due to end Thursday or Friday, so I guess I'll know for sure then.

On a happy, hopeful note, I started acupuncture today, and I love my acupuncturist!  I kept falling asleep on the table and felt a couple of energy surges that really made it seem that something was happening.  My plan is to go weekly; mostly for community "chair" sessions, but do one private session with needles in abdomen around ovulation.

Did I mention sh/cm is paying for this?  Loving.  Him.

Speaking of sh/cm, we went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival over the weekend, and he met one of my closest friends from San Luis Obispo for the first time.

She shocked me by showing up without her boyfriend of several years, saying they had just broken up the previous weekend.  I was so sad for her because everything she has said about him, as well as the way that they were when they were together, indicated he was the "one" for her.  It's a complicated situation, and she hopes they will eventually end up back together, as do I.

But sh/cm really shone in this circumstance; rolling with the surprise of it being three versus four of us (definitely changes the dynamic) and being very supportive and giving a "guy's perspective" when she shared some thoughts and feelings with both of us at the end of the day (she and I also talked about it privately earlier when sh/cm was out getting drinks/food).

We took some pictures together, which turned out really well.  We danced and looked at arts and crafts.  We walked around, basking in the sun and the general diverse, "good vibe" friendliness of the place.

When my friend sent me the pictures, I thought, "Wow, is that us?  We really look like a couple!" hehe

We have also had a couple different areas, one for him and one for me, where we've gotten emotionally "triggered" lately.  But I think I will share about that in another post. . .