HPT/Relationship Results

I took my first HPT today.  B - F - N

I didn't really expect much more for 9 days post-ovulation (dpo) and not experiencing any blatant signs, as of yet.  In previous cycles, if I took an HPT at all, it was later in the cycle, when it was more likely to be accurate.

But this time, I decided that I would take a completely different approach and test every day, starting at 9 dpo.  My thinking is that I will not be as disappointed with early negatives.  Also, it gives me something active and real on which to focus, when I can so easily slip into overanalyzing every little non-symptom.

Speaking of which, what I've felt so far, pregnancy related or not:  sharp twinge-like cramps on the right lower side of uterus at 4 dpo; breast soreness, especially the last few days; lighter twinges on right lower side of uterus, as well as slightly higher on left side, yesterday; a low-grade but persistent headache on 3 and especially 6 dpo.

So, nothing too out of this world definitive and exciting.  I will report on whether anything changes and on the daily test results.  My cycle usually ends on day 28, but this cycle had a short pre-ovulation phase  so I'm guessing it will end at 26 days, though still 13/14 dpo.

Another topic on my mind, stemming from my relationship with sh/cm, regards the 80/20 rule.  Have you heard of this?  Apparently, in most working relationships, about 80% is good and about 20% is not so good.  

I'm curious, first about whether this is true for all my friends/acquaintances (both online and off) who are in working relationships (have been together more than a few months and would say they are in a "long-term" relationship).  If not, what IS the percentage ratio?

And second, what is the approximately 80% and 20% each comprised of?  For instance, do most people seem to more highly value the sexual side of the relationship or the friendship side?  This could be further divided into the four quadrants: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.  Where do each of these four quadrants tend to fall in that 80/20 split?  


And then I can analyze what, if any, patterns emerge. . .

Or perhaps every partnership is unique and the results will fall all over the map?


If those of you who are in long-term relationships would be willing to share your thoughts on these questions, I would appreciate it.  Then, I can add mine, compile, and summarize the results back through this blog.  I plan to keep asking people until I collect answers from approximately 20-30 people.

I don't want to share too much yet about my own answers, except to say that my relationship with sh/cm is not perfect.  I know that no relationship is perfect, and I'm reflecting on whether I believe ours is perfect enough.  It's the best relationship I have had, and definitely the most intimate in all quadrants.  We continue to grow, both in the relationship and individually.

But, ironically, my relationship with the old flame was stronger in the one area that is challenging in some ways for me with sh/cm.  So I have this recent situation that was so much worse in almost all areas,  yet mocks me with it's perfection in this one area.  :-/

Any feedback or thoughts welcome!

Making the Most of Freedom

I was thinking today about how I may have one month left of unemployment until I potentially start working full time in July.  This is assuming the best case scenario that I will be hired by the cool manager of the One Stop Career Center I interviewed with last Tuesday.  It's funny how having a limited quantity of something can somehow make you appreciate it more and become more conscious with how you are using it.

When I first became unemployed, I did have that sense of freedom that can come with a rare block of open time, like a vacation.  But those of you who have been unemployed or not worked for a longer period of time can perhaps attest - I hope I'm not the only one! - that something shifts after a while, and you naturally tend toward creating a somewhat regular (less than exciting) routine.

My routine has generally looked like:

8 a.m. - 10 a.m. - Awaken, morning routine (dressed, take medicine, make coffee), read and respond to email, write in journal and map out specifics of day, eat light breakfast and talk to housemate.

10 a.m. - 1 p.m. - Go running or go walk the dog I walk three days a week.  Sometimes volunteer for a couple of hours at the local Interplay office (in exchange for free classes).  Shower and make lunch.

1 p.m. - 2 p.m. - Watch my soap opera.  lol  A guilty, inane pleasure that breaks up the day. . .

2 p.m. - 5 p.m. - If it's nice out, read a book/look at email and blogs on the deck for a while.  Do job search and apply for jobs.  Make necessary phone calls.  Run errands.

5 - 8 p.m. - Cook dinner, eat dinner, talk to housemate, computer stuff.  If have evening activity, attend that (community meeting, Interplay theatre, NVC group, etc.)

8 - 11 p.m. - Watch movie and or TV, computer stuff, stretching/yoga, sometimes reading.

Zzzzzzzzz.  Wake up!  Yeah, it's pretty boring stuff.  Of course, there is the occasional interview in there, or a walk around the lake/happy hour with a friend, maybe a hike.  I have done quite a few self and career exploration/personal growth activities.  But generally, that's the weekday flow.  My need for external motivation haunts me.

Yes, I've had a few specific accomplishments about which I feel good:

• Several coaching sessions and greater clarity about my career path 
• Three trips to Oregon to see family and meaningfully participate in my brother's wedding and grandma's memorial
• Starting and maintaining this blog
• Initiating a running routine and losing weight 
• Reconnecting with an old flame, processing the past, and having a short relationship, which demonstrated we should not be in relationship 
• Obtaining a really excellent tan. . .

Yet, I can't help but question:  Why haven't I been more motivated to take more full advantage of this time?

Which bring me to the present and the sudden possibility of this phase of abundant freedom coming to an end.  What more can I do in this next month to take full advantage of this gift before it runs out?

Maybe. . . . I could:

• Take a beginning drawing class - low cost or for trade
• Spend a lot of time with sound healing/chocolate man doing interesting, fun dating stuff
• Actually break out all my new paper crafting tools my mom gifted me for Christmas and make something fabulous.  Any ideas?  Again the curse of needing external motivation. . .
• Choreograph a dance because I love to choreograph.  Offer to teach it to some friends for fun.
• Go on at least one "Artist Date" (from the Artist's Way) a week, like visiting local galleries and museums, painting pottery, or seeing a dance/theatre show.
• Go up to Oregon yet again to spend a few days with family, most especially my brother, niece and nephew, and grandpa. 
• Commit to finish all the development-focused books I started on: career assessment, emotional health/intimacy in relationship, and non-violent communication.
• Choose to master a skill that will help me in my career and find resources to help me master it.  Possibilities include basic website design, graphic design, time management, learning about a couple of new career assessment tools, or ?.  Btw, would you be willing to share your time management system or program/resource, if it is working well for you?

What do you vote for?  Anything not on the list that should be?

Eventful Week

It has been an eventful week.  On the employment front, I started a part-time dog-walking job for a nice lady in my neighborhood who has limited mobility.  It's not a lot, but it's nice to have a little extra income.  I have continued to apply for positions, as I find them. . . haven't heard back from the interview I had a couple weeks ago.

In sadder news, my beloved Grandma passed away last Tuesday.  I mentioned her in a previous post, and how R and I (and my grandpa) visited her in the nursing facility before leaving Eugene.  We held hands the entire visit, and she was relatively coherent, even making a joke and laughing a few times.  I am so grateful for that last time together.

One funny aspect of the visit: she kept asking where we were going to live after we were married!  It was cute.  I don't mind that she thought we were getting married, as she always wanted that for me and it might have made her happy.

I knew her time was limited and it had been a year or two since she had really been herself, able to carry on the level of connected conversation we had always shared.  In a way, I did lose her gradually, but it still never prepares you for someone actually passing away.

I was always her "favorite" and she was always my "special person," who knew, loved, and accepted me unconditionally.  We shared so many special times together, from crafts and cookies, to Christmas trees and caroling.  She had unending patience for playing dolls and games with me, and later we shared innumerable deep conversations about life and love and family.

After losing my mother at age four, my grandmother really was the only mother-type figure in my life, and no one can ever take her place.  She will always be in my heart and will live on in me and who I am and will become.  The day she passed away, a "paradise" finch with a beautiful red head and throat visited me twice: once in the morning and again in the afternoon.  I had never seen this bird in our yard before, and it may sound crazy, but I believe my grandmother was with me at these times.

Regarding R, after a few days of talking very little, we have had several good conversations.  We agreed that I would be more sensitive or flexible about bringing up and talking about issues between us, and he would be more forthcoming with his big picture thoughts before making decisions.

We experienced "Sky.pe" together, which was a lot of fun (very different level of connection).

I have had periods of doubt and anxiety, wondering whether our differences are surmountable, and whether he is willing or able to build/maintain the level of emotional intimacy that I desire.  And whether he values self examination and growth, maybe not to the same degree, but at least to some extent.  The way he withdrew after our conflict in Washington is definitely of concern to me, though he later said that was extreme and not typical behavior.

Time will tell, I guess.  I love him.  He loves me.  But we know that is not necessarily enough.

I am glad I don't have plans tomorrow.  I want to spend some time reflecting and reading.  Then dancing on Sunday.  My running discipline has continued on Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, so I feel positive about that.  Hope you all have a good weekend.

Disappointing Trip Report - Part II

For some reason, I am not so excited to tell the rest of this story. . . but I feel I should in case anyone is wondering how the trip unfolded (it went on for another several days until last Friday).  And to capture it for posterity.

Soooo, after R dropped his little bomb, I became very upset and started packing my clothes, asking him to book me the next flight out.  It was high drama:  me crying and pulling clothes off hangers, stuffing them in the suitcase, shrugging off his attempt to comfort me, demanding that he get me the next flight.

When he eventually complied, I had one of those moments where you are struck with such undeniable clarity, do you know what I mean?  I KNEW I was not going to get on that plane, that I literally could not get on that plane.  And when I came to that conclusion, a calm washed over me:  I'm sure in part due to feeling some control over a very out of control situation, but also because I really think it was the right thing to do.  Because until that point, R was emotionally shut down, but after that?  Complete and utter shock, anger, shaking, heart palpitations. . . and I know this sounds heartless but it felt really good for him to engage emotionally in some way, even if it was negative.  Anyway, after some further back and forth and ugliness, he left.  Later, he confessed he slept in the car that night.

After he left, I felt upset but also calm and still like it was the right thing.  Very strange.  I tried to contact him the next day but he did not respond, though he actually came home very early in the morning to shower (he stayed at his friend's house).

The following day, I wrote him an email apologizing for my part of things, addressing extenuating circumstances (such as this triggering our time together before when he 'pulled the rug out' from under our relationship, family emotions, drinking, pms, etc.).  He wrote saying he appreciated the email but could not deal with things right now, felt horrible, admitted he just wanted to run away.  I said I understood but I still hoped he would talk to me.

The following morning when he came home to shower, I got up and talked to him in a half-asleep stupor.  It seemed like he kind of expected me to do that.  It actually felt good to talk to him, though we did agree I would confirm a plane reservation for the following day.

He came home that night and we talked for a couple hours further.  Some good understanding emerged, including that when I express a feeling or concern, I am not looking to hurt or punish him, or for him to fix it.  Most often, I just want understanding and empathy.

A light bulb clicked on for me when he talked about HOW I bring up a concern; i.e. first distancing and then talking in a cool, critical tone.  He said there are other ways to get his attention and demonstrated keeping connection, warmth, physicality.  Very interesting and useful information for me, as he is not the first person to feel picked at or criticized by the way I communicate feelings.  He in particular seems affected by my frustration/criticism because of many years with an ex-wife who was, in his perception, often disappointed with him.

Long story short, he stayed at home that night and we left on a good note, if you can believe it.  Both said we loved each other, and that we were going to take time to process and then talk on the phone. . . .which we did today!

It went really well and we are going to continue to explore things.  This might sound insane after what I just described, but I really do love him and know he loves me.  We both agreed to work on things - he said he was going to try and be more open with what he is thinking and feeling, instead of coming to big conclusions on his own, and I said I would not pressure him to talk (process, discuss deeper issues) if he wasn't in a good place to talk.  He admitted he is less sensitive when he is drinking or the next morning and that was a factor over the weekend.

So we shall see.  The kid issue continues to hang out there and I will write more on this in my next post.  Thus ends my dramatic trip saga!

Guess Who's Coming to Visit?

Guess who is coming to visit in two weeks?  Yep, it's R.  I was planning on visiting him after my brother's wedding at the end of March, but as we have continued to talk just about every day, we decided that waiting a month and a half felt like too long.

I am definitely not ready to open up to dating him again, but I am excited to see him and continue our dialogue in person. . .excited to see what our dynamic is like now, so many years later, when we are hopefully older and wiser and are clearly more available to actually be with each other.

Our dialogue about the long ago past has continued in earnest, and likely will continue up to and through his visit.  (though we are not talking only about the past but are sharing current content from our lives, as well).

It was important for me to get clear that I would have gone forward with the pregnancy if he would have been supportive and wanted to help me.  I had been thinking I did not know for sure what I would have done if he had not pressured me about what he wanted me to do, but I do know what I would have done in that instance. . .and for whatever reason, that clarity feels good.  I appreciated that he was able to listen and be there for me as I shared this with him. 

So I actually feel somewhat complete in my dialogue with him about that for now, though I imagine more might come up when I see him.

More recently, I have tried talking with him about the roller coaster nature of our relationship: how he held all the power and how he "pulled the rug out from under me" several times versus making a decision and sticking to it.

Just as with the other issue, as I talk through my anger and hurt towards him, I see my own responsibility, or more accurately feel it at a deeper level.  Because of course I know I was an adult, though I was young, and I made my own decisions.  I chose to continue being with him, even when he had shown me that the risk and potential for pain was extremely high.  I was definitely hooked.

I wonder if part of me was/is mad at him for dashing my belief in us as "meant to be," my romantic conviction that our love was "destiny" - a belief that he expressed as well, many times.  Each time that he "pulled the rug out," it chipped away at my convictions.

The last time we got together, I was no longer working with him and had for all intents and purposes moved on.  I had just started seeing another guy even.  And then he began calling again, and eventually I chose to give it another try with him.

Now why I didn't insist he end his marriage first before I saw him, I cannot imagine.  Still pretty stupid I guess.  But he had promised he was going to and then. . . well, then he didn't.  But I sort of sabotaged things too.  I think that at that point, I just didn't trust him and didn't trust what we had any more, even though I wanted to. . .

I think overall, my experiences with him did make me mistrust that feeling of intense attraction and connection with someone.  I know that no relationship I have had since has come close to the level of connection I felt with him.  I am not naive enough to think that a relationship can be built on that feeling (in fact I spent a lot of time in a 12 Step Program that pathologized it), but, after many relationships without it, I have also come to appreciate that feeling more; to believe that it can act as glue and help people WANT to work through things/maintain intimacy.

What I don't know yet, is whether I could trust him again, and whether we have enough mental/spiritual connection to build lasting intimacy.  Oh yeah, and the elephant in the room, whether he would want to have a child with me.  This trip will hopefully give us a good opportunity to start those explorations.