Guess who is coming to visit in two weeks? Yep, it's R. I was planning on visiting him after my brother's wedding at the end of March, but as we have continued to talk just about every day, we decided that waiting a month and a half felt like too long.
I am definitely not ready to open up to dating him again, but I am excited to see him and continue our dialogue in person. . .excited to see what our dynamic is like now, so many years later, when we are hopefully older and wiser and are clearly more available to actually be with each other.
Our dialogue about the long ago past has continued in earnest, and likely will continue up to and through his visit. (though we are not talking only about the past but are sharing current content from our lives, as well).
It was important for me to get clear that I would have gone forward with the pregnancy if he would have been supportive and wanted to help me. I had been thinking I did not know for sure what I would have done if he had not pressured me about what he wanted me to do, but I do know what I would have done in that instance. . .and for whatever reason, that clarity feels good. I appreciated that he was able to listen and be there for me as I shared this with him.
So I actually feel somewhat complete in my dialogue with him about that for now, though I imagine more might come up when I see him.
More recently, I have tried talking with him about the roller coaster nature of our relationship: how he held all the power and how he "pulled the rug out from under me" several times versus making a decision and sticking to it.
Just as with the other issue, as I talk through my anger and hurt towards him, I see my own responsibility, or more accurately feel it at a deeper level. Because of course I know I was an adult, though I was young, and I made my own decisions. I chose to continue being with him, even when he had shown me that the risk and potential for pain was extremely high. I was definitely hooked.
I wonder if part of me was/is mad at him for dashing my belief in us as "meant to be," my romantic conviction that our love was "destiny" - a belief that he expressed as well, many times. Each time that he "pulled the rug out," it chipped away at my convictions.
The last time we got together, I was no longer working with him and had for all intents and purposes moved on. I had just started seeing another guy even. And then he began calling again, and eventually I chose to give it another try with him.
Now why I didn't insist he end his marriage first before I saw him, I cannot imagine. Still pretty stupid I guess. But he had promised he was going to and then. . . well, then he didn't. But I sort of sabotaged things too. I think that at that point, I just didn't trust him and didn't trust what we had any more, even though I wanted to. . .
I think overall, my experiences with him did make me mistrust that feeling of intense attraction and connection with someone. I know that no relationship I have had since has come close to the level of connection I felt with him. I am not naive enough to think that a relationship can be built on that feeling (in fact I spent a lot of time in a 12 Step Program that pathologized it), but, after many relationships without it, I have also come to appreciate that feeling more; to believe that it can act as glue and help people WANT to work through things/maintain intimacy.
What I don't know yet, is whether I could trust him again, and whether we have enough mental/spiritual connection to build lasting intimacy. Oh yeah, and the elephant in the room, whether he would want to have a child with me. This trip will hopefully give us a good opportunity to start those explorations.