And sometimes I am fine with that and revel in the rich abundance of time and space: to think, to explore, to research and ruminate. But other times, especially when my mind turns to conception, I just feel s-t-u-c-k. And I begin to hear the ticking. . .
As I have talked about, I am currently work-challenged, without proper employ, job searching, financially disadvantaged, etc. Unemployment offers me enough to live on, barely, until something (such as my brother's wedding in March) arises calling for greater resources. Then I enter a stressed state of pulling from here, cutting from there, and trying to perform small miracles.
My groomswoman - yes I am proud to say I will be my brother's "groomswoman" - dress was about $200, the plane ticket is about $200, plus shoes/accessories and inevitable travel expenses. . .all money that I really don't have but am hoping to magically create as we go along.
Which bring me to trying to conceive. I have not been talking about that topic much yet on this blog because I am frustratingly stuck in that arena, due to said financial limitations.
And if I think about it too much, I start to get really tense because the clock does not stop for periods of unemployment. So my strategy has been to let go, put it in the back of my mind, trust that my path will become clear in time and I am not losing my chance.
But what if I'm wrong? I turned 42 in December and even though I feel younger, statistics show my eggs may not be on the same wavelength. If you have any ideas, personal stories, reassurances, or prodding, I would welcome hearing any and all responses.
I have no real "words of wisdom." I know it's a difficult situation when the money does not go as far as our dreams. I know that I wish I had taken a leap of faith a year earlier, but even then I had a mostly secure job. Have you had a chance to begin looking at your hormone levels, etc.?
ReplyDeleteHi Nell, yes, I have done testing I think 3 times now. I've actually done 4 IUIs and tried with a known donor at different times over the last 3 years. My tests so far have come out normal/positive. I think my last FSH in August of last year was 6.5 or something. I pretty much know there's nothing with fertility intervention that I can do until I have insurance again. But wanted to share my stuckness and if there were stories or thoughts, I'm open to hearing. Reading your blog is helpful to me actually, feeling like someone else is also going through some frustration (not that I'd wish it upon you!), but you definitely have many more options than me right now. I do feel hope that something is on the horizon for me. . .Thanks for your comment.
ReplyDeleteI hate that money holds anyone back on the quest to parenthood... It honestly really makes me sad! Wishing you lots of luck and an end to this period of being employment challenged friend!
ReplyDeleteThanks, SIF! I appreciate your good wishes! Have been sending you prayers all morning.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about the unemployment. This economy needs to get it together. We been in a down phase to long
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