I am in a "liminal space." The space between. Having left one shore but not yet reached the other.
And sometimes I am fine with that and revel in the rich abundance of time and space: to think, to explore, to research and ruminate. But other times, especially when my mind turns to conception, I just feel s-t-u-c-k. And I begin to hear the ticking. . .
As I have talked about, I am currently work-challenged, without proper employ, job searching, financially disadvantaged, etc. Unemployment offers me enough to live on, barely, until something (such as my brother's wedding in March) arises calling for greater resources. Then I enter a stressed state of pulling from here, cutting from there, and trying to perform small miracles.
My groomswoman - yes I am proud to say I will be my brother's "groomswoman" - dress was about $200, the plane ticket is about $200, plus shoes/accessories and inevitable travel expenses. . .all money that I really don't have but am hoping to magically create as we go along.
Which bring me to trying to conceive. I have not been talking about that topic much yet on this blog because I am frustratingly stuck in that arena, due to said financial limitations.
And if I think about it too much, I start to get really tense because the clock does not stop for periods of unemployment. So my strategy has been to let go, put it in the back of my mind, trust that my path will become clear in time and I am not losing my chance.
But what if I'm wrong? I turned 42 in December and even though I feel younger, statistics show my eggs may not be on the same wavelength. If you have any ideas, personal stories, reassurances, or prodding, I would welcome hearing any and all responses.