Christmas is coming...

My birthday is tomorrow.  It is also the last day of my class.  I am giving a Final (no fun) but also buying cookies as a treat for my students and kind of to celebrate my birthday.  Tomorrow night, I plan to attend my InterPlay theatre group and maybe go for a drink with a couple friends afterwards.  Then, Wednesday, I am going out with a small group of friends to a birthday dinner at a cool looking Italian restaurant in my new town of Alameda.  After dinner, the plan is for a hot beverage, Christmas lights, and maybe even a little caroling.  In this moment, it feels like too much to do activities on both Tuesday and Wednesday, but I am going to go with the flow - it's my intention to do that more - and trust it will all work out.

Wednesday and Thursday are days to wrap presents, make hot fudge, and grade Finals.  Then, the plan is to drive up to Oregon Friday if the weather cooperates.  I am also fine with waiting until Saturday but hope I don't have to wait any longer than that.  I gave Zoey an early birthday gift of a dog bed, which she LOVES.  She had been using a smaller pink dog bed I got her when she was a puppy but it had become too old and worn out.  Plus this one is more comfy.  She looks so cute in it, doesn't she?

One of my Christmas gifts this year is a recording of an interview I did with my Grandma and Grandpa, about 10 years ago.  If you remember, my Grandpa passed away last year and my Grandma passed away a couple years before that.  As I mentioned, they were like second parents to me, and my Grandma and I were especially close.  The interview reminded of me of that, of how comfortable we were together and how we just "got" and accepted each other.  A wonderful feeling that I miss dearly.

I appreciate having the interview to remember but had been afraid to listen to it for fear the tape would break.  I finally had it made into CDs and am giving copies to my aunt and uncle and cousins.  I think they will like hearing it, even though it a bit slanted towards me and my Mom (birth mom), since I was the one doing the interviewing.  My Grandma cries once during the interview talking about my Mom - it's amazing how the grief over losing my Mom seemed to stay with her and my Grandpa for their whole lives.  Of course, that was one thing that we shared (the loss of my mom) and likely added to our closeness. 

Though my Mom (step mom) and I don't really talk - I've reached out but she doesn't seem to want to connect right now - I have been thinking of her often and sending prayers.  I have also done a couple of things "in her honor," like the care package I sent a while back, recently hanging the art tiles they gave me last Christmas in my new bedroom, and getting the special Campbell's Soup napkins (my Grandpa worked for Campbell's Soup) hemmed that she was going to finish but couldn't because of nerve damage in her fingers due to her treatments.  I also bought all the supplies to make her a special Christmas card, and I hope I can find the time and energy to complete it.  I guess I can work on it in Oregon if need be, but I know from experience how difficult it can be to get stuff done there.  If I leave on Saturday, maybe I can get it done Friday.  Anyway, I'm trying to do more practical actions "for her," if that makes sense, because I want to at least be doing something. 

I am really worried that they will be telling us bad news when I go home.  My brother asked my dad about the scan my mom was going to get to see if the immunotherapy treatment was working, and he said it had been rescheduled or something.  Then my mom and dad left for a trip to Arizona, which seems kind of odd timing.  So, I'm scared but want to be as present and loving as I can be through whatever happens.  Of course, I am also looking forward to seeing everyone and spending time with my nieces and nephew.

Well, I better go put the finishing touches on my Final.  Sending good wishes to you all.

Making the Most of Freedom

I was thinking today about how I may have one month left of unemployment until I potentially start working full time in July.  This is assuming the best case scenario that I will be hired by the cool manager of the One Stop Career Center I interviewed with last Tuesday.  It's funny how having a limited quantity of something can somehow make you appreciate it more and become more conscious with how you are using it.

When I first became unemployed, I did have that sense of freedom that can come with a rare block of open time, like a vacation.  But those of you who have been unemployed or not worked for a longer period of time can perhaps attest - I hope I'm not the only one! - that something shifts after a while, and you naturally tend toward creating a somewhat regular (less than exciting) routine.

My routine has generally looked like:

8 a.m. - 10 a.m. - Awaken, morning routine (dressed, take medicine, make coffee), read and respond to email, write in journal and map out specifics of day, eat light breakfast and talk to housemate.

10 a.m. - 1 p.m. - Go running or go walk the dog I walk three days a week.  Sometimes volunteer for a couple of hours at the local Interplay office (in exchange for free classes).  Shower and make lunch.

1 p.m. - 2 p.m. - Watch my soap opera.  lol  A guilty, inane pleasure that breaks up the day. . .

2 p.m. - 5 p.m. - If it's nice out, read a book/look at email and blogs on the deck for a while.  Do job search and apply for jobs.  Make necessary phone calls.  Run errands.

5 - 8 p.m. - Cook dinner, eat dinner, talk to housemate, computer stuff.  If have evening activity, attend that (community meeting, Interplay theatre, NVC group, etc.)

8 - 11 p.m. - Watch movie and or TV, computer stuff, stretching/yoga, sometimes reading.

Zzzzzzzzz.  Wake up!  Yeah, it's pretty boring stuff.  Of course, there is the occasional interview in there, or a walk around the lake/happy hour with a friend, maybe a hike.  I have done quite a few self and career exploration/personal growth activities.  But generally, that's the weekday flow.  My need for external motivation haunts me.

Yes, I've had a few specific accomplishments about which I feel good:

• Several coaching sessions and greater clarity about my career path 
• Three trips to Oregon to see family and meaningfully participate in my brother's wedding and grandma's memorial
• Starting and maintaining this blog
• Initiating a running routine and losing weight 
• Reconnecting with an old flame, processing the past, and having a short relationship, which demonstrated we should not be in relationship 
• Obtaining a really excellent tan. . .

Yet, I can't help but question:  Why haven't I been more motivated to take more full advantage of this time?

Which bring me to the present and the sudden possibility of this phase of abundant freedom coming to an end.  What more can I do in this next month to take full advantage of this gift before it runs out?

Maybe. . . . I could:

• Take a beginning drawing class - low cost or for trade
• Spend a lot of time with sound healing/chocolate man doing interesting, fun dating stuff
• Actually break out all my new paper crafting tools my mom gifted me for Christmas and make something fabulous.  Any ideas?  Again the curse of needing external motivation. . .
• Choreograph a dance because I love to choreograph.  Offer to teach it to some friends for fun.
• Go on at least one "Artist Date" (from the Artist's Way) a week, like visiting local galleries and museums, painting pottery, or seeing a dance/theatre show.
• Go up to Oregon yet again to spend a few days with family, most especially my brother, niece and nephew, and grandpa. 
• Commit to finish all the development-focused books I started on: career assessment, emotional health/intimacy in relationship, and non-violent communication.
• Choose to master a skill that will help me in my career and find resources to help me master it.  Possibilities include basic website design, graphic design, time management, learning about a couple of new career assessment tools, or ?.  Btw, would you be willing to share your time management system or program/resource, if it is working well for you?

What do you vote for?  Anything not on the list that should be?

Endings and Beginnings

Sorry for the long absence, time flies!  I went up to Oregon for my Grandma's memorial on Sunday, heading up there Thursday evening and driving back Monday.  The memorial was small, just 15 or so people, and we went out afterwards (some more family members met us then) at McMen.amin's Restaurant.

A little about the service:  My cousin made a lovely photo collage of my Grandma over the years and with various people and that, along with the flowers was placed in front of her crypt (right word?) at the front of our gathering.  I was taken off guard by the song they chose to start the service.  It was moving and had both me and my Grandpa crying.  Since I had not cried since she passed away, it felt like a positive release.  After my Uncle talked about her life, I and others shared some memories and feelings.  I took part of my blog entry pretty much verbatim, so you heard what I said before anyone else!

Strangely, weddings and funerals seem to bring people together in a way nothing else does.  Because this was my birth mom's mother, I was closer and spent more time with her family than my brother or sister.  But they both came to the memorial to support me.

I was especially surprised that my sister came.  She had not seen or talked to them in a long time, and she and I have not had a particularly close relationship as adults - though that has been changing ever so slowly, in part I think because I love her kids so much.

Anyway, it felt heartwarming that they both decided to come and also to see my sister's husband and kids and my brother and his new wife sitting at a table with my Grandpa, Aunt and Uncle, and cousin's and kids.  It felt like the coming together of two of my worlds. . . unexpectedly satisfying.

So you might be wondering where or if R fits into the trip up North. . . Initially I had planned to drive up to Seattle Monday, instead of back home, to visit R and go on a couple of interviews.  Unfortunately, after having a couple of fun and connected Sk.ype conversations, we bumped off the track again.  And after sporadic to no phone calls for a few days, I told him I was "throwing the white flag" and ending our romantic connection.  I said I would still like to see him and talk to him while I was up there, but he never called back.

In the end, I wanted a different level of intimacy and consciousness in the relationship than he was currently comfortable with and our lifestyles around alcohol/partying are just too disparate.  Or at least that's my summary, and I'm sticking to it!  I have felt sad but also clear, like it was the right decision.

I have to admit that there is still a part of me that holds out a hope that he might make some different choices that would bring us back together.  It's so hard to relinquish the highly unique (in my experience) passion/chemistry aspect, but I have to trust the path is leading where I am meant to go.  Whatever happens, I am still so grateful overall that he came back into my life to bring healing/closure on the past. . . and to motivate me to get in shape!  lol

The last thing I wanted to share involves an interview I had today with Arth.ur Murr.ay Dance.  Please send me good thoughts!  If I make it through the next interview and then through a several-day dance audition, I will be accepted into their instructor training program.  This is sort of "out of the blue," but I feel excited about the possibility, so I'm going with it!

Eventful Week

It has been an eventful week.  On the employment front, I started a part-time dog-walking job for a nice lady in my neighborhood who has limited mobility.  It's not a lot, but it's nice to have a little extra income.  I have continued to apply for positions, as I find them. . . haven't heard back from the interview I had a couple weeks ago.

In sadder news, my beloved Grandma passed away last Tuesday.  I mentioned her in a previous post, and how R and I (and my grandpa) visited her in the nursing facility before leaving Eugene.  We held hands the entire visit, and she was relatively coherent, even making a joke and laughing a few times.  I am so grateful for that last time together.

One funny aspect of the visit: she kept asking where we were going to live after we were married!  It was cute.  I don't mind that she thought we were getting married, as she always wanted that for me and it might have made her happy.

I knew her time was limited and it had been a year or two since she had really been herself, able to carry on the level of connected conversation we had always shared.  In a way, I did lose her gradually, but it still never prepares you for someone actually passing away.

I was always her "favorite" and she was always my "special person," who knew, loved, and accepted me unconditionally.  We shared so many special times together, from crafts and cookies, to Christmas trees and caroling.  She had unending patience for playing dolls and games with me, and later we shared innumerable deep conversations about life and love and family.

After losing my mother at age four, my grandmother really was the only mother-type figure in my life, and no one can ever take her place.  She will always be in my heart and will live on in me and who I am and will become.  The day she passed away, a "paradise" finch with a beautiful red head and throat visited me twice: once in the morning and again in the afternoon.  I had never seen this bird in our yard before, and it may sound crazy, but I believe my grandmother was with me at these times.

Regarding R, after a few days of talking very little, we have had several good conversations.  We agreed that I would be more sensitive or flexible about bringing up and talking about issues between us, and he would be more forthcoming with his big picture thoughts before making decisions.

We experienced "Sky.pe" together, which was a lot of fun (very different level of connection).

I have had periods of doubt and anxiety, wondering whether our differences are surmountable, and whether he is willing or able to build/maintain the level of emotional intimacy that I desire.  And whether he values self examination and growth, maybe not to the same degree, but at least to some extent.  The way he withdrew after our conflict in Washington is definitely of concern to me, though he later said that was extreme and not typical behavior.

Time will tell, I guess.  I love him.  He loves me.  But we know that is not necessarily enough.

I am glad I don't have plans tomorrow.  I want to spend some time reflecting and reading.  Then dancing on Sunday.  My running discipline has continued on Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, so I feel positive about that.  Hope you all have a good weekend.