Endings and Beginnings

Sorry for the long absence, time flies!  I went up to Oregon for my Grandma's memorial on Sunday, heading up there Thursday evening and driving back Monday.  The memorial was small, just 15 or so people, and we went out afterwards (some more family members met us then) at McMen.amin's Restaurant.

A little about the service:  My cousin made a lovely photo collage of my Grandma over the years and with various people and that, along with the flowers was placed in front of her crypt (right word?) at the front of our gathering.  I was taken off guard by the song they chose to start the service.  It was moving and had both me and my Grandpa crying.  Since I had not cried since she passed away, it felt like a positive release.  After my Uncle talked about her life, I and others shared some memories and feelings.  I took part of my blog entry pretty much verbatim, so you heard what I said before anyone else!

Strangely, weddings and funerals seem to bring people together in a way nothing else does.  Because this was my birth mom's mother, I was closer and spent more time with her family than my brother or sister.  But they both came to the memorial to support me.

I was especially surprised that my sister came.  She had not seen or talked to them in a long time, and she and I have not had a particularly close relationship as adults - though that has been changing ever so slowly, in part I think because I love her kids so much.

Anyway, it felt heartwarming that they both decided to come and also to see my sister's husband and kids and my brother and his new wife sitting at a table with my Grandpa, Aunt and Uncle, and cousin's and kids.  It felt like the coming together of two of my worlds. . . unexpectedly satisfying.

So you might be wondering where or if R fits into the trip up North. . . Initially I had planned to drive up to Seattle Monday, instead of back home, to visit R and go on a couple of interviews.  Unfortunately, after having a couple of fun and connected Sk.ype conversations, we bumped off the track again.  And after sporadic to no phone calls for a few days, I told him I was "throwing the white flag" and ending our romantic connection.  I said I would still like to see him and talk to him while I was up there, but he never called back.

In the end, I wanted a different level of intimacy and consciousness in the relationship than he was currently comfortable with and our lifestyles around alcohol/partying are just too disparate.  Or at least that's my summary, and I'm sticking to it!  I have felt sad but also clear, like it was the right decision.

I have to admit that there is still a part of me that holds out a hope that he might make some different choices that would bring us back together.  It's so hard to relinquish the highly unique (in my experience) passion/chemistry aspect, but I have to trust the path is leading where I am meant to go.  Whatever happens, I am still so grateful overall that he came back into my life to bring healing/closure on the past. . . and to motivate me to get in shape!  lol

The last thing I wanted to share involves an interview I had today with Arth.ur Murr.ay Dance.  Please send me good thoughts!  If I make it through the next interview and then through a several-day dance audition, I will be accepted into their instructor training program.  This is sort of "out of the blue," but I feel excited about the possibility, so I'm going with it!


  1. Welcome back! I have been catching up on your blog and am so sorry for your recent loss. I have also recently experienced a bridging of the family due to a funeral. It's pretty amazing to see and in my case has allowed for some personal growth as well as healing.

    I have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. You can stop by my blog to find out more about the award. :)

  2. Thank-you Shadow! My first blogger award, yay!
    It's too bad that an event like a funeral has to act as a bridge, but sometimes I guess we need big changes or losses to catalyze us. Thanks for sharing, and I'm enjoying catching up on your blog too.

  3. My Nana was like my mother in every way. She died when I was 18 and I felt so alone.It seems like you have been through a lot.