I promised to check in about the ttc/child topic a couple posts back and realized I haven't done that yet. . .
From talking to R, I think this topic was a prominent fear in his mind heading into our recent time together. For some reason, I was able to put the topic on the back burner after our initial conversation, in which we both came to a point of agreement around possible adoption. I wasn't ready to give up on the biological choice yet, but was willing to let it go for now so that we could focus on getting to know one another again and whether we had long-term potential. I guess for him, it continued to percolate and cause him concern.
Sometimes my idealism even drives myself crazy! It's always been this way with me: I have this unshakable belief that if two people really love one another that all the other pieces will fall into place and work themselves out. Logically, I know life just isn't that simple and some issues will never be resolved to the satisfaction of both parties. My optimism just won't be tamed though.
Anyway, at the end of my time up there, we touched on this topic and then again on the phone after I returned. It seems we are still at odds. Understandably, he feels a lot of responsibility for me if I chose to move up there to be with him, and then it didn't work out between us.
And interestingly, when it looked like R and I might stop seeing each other, I spent some time reflecting and asking for guidance in my life. Guess what popped up right away? Yep, refocusing on ttc and having a child!
I even got back on the co-parenting website and talked with a guy up in Alaska (Hi SIF!) who is separated, already has three kids but really wants more. He is actually in politics, as well as the military, and seemed like a very solid guy (unlike many of the guys on there).
But because he is not divorced yet and things still sound rocky with his ex, and because R and I started talking and I wanted to give our relationship a chance, I put the co-parenting possibility back on the shelf for now.
I know I want a family. I guess I'm emotionally open to different ways of working towards that goal right now, but it's definitely my highest priority.
If R and I did end up together (which is very much up in the air), he would be my family to start with, and I would gain his family members who live close by, including his 15-year-old. And if he didn't open his mind/heart to trying for a biological child - and getting that reverse vasectomy yikes! - then we would have time to work toward adoption.
The strange thing is, when I try to imagine he and I in a household raising a child together, I just cannot do it at this point. Is that a bad sign? I'm thinking it is just the uncertainty about where our relationship is heading at this point and the newness of our interaction. When I think of being around him, I think of playing and activities and to be honest, sexy times. So it's not really a "child oriented" vision of us at this point.
All that to say, I guess I'm still in limboland around ttc, but family is always forefront on my mind. And a big part of my decision-making process as I keep moving forward.
The hard fact continues to be that I just plain do not have a lot of control right now. I can't dictate when someone chooses to hire me, I can't choose whether R and I work out, I can't actively ttc on my own right now due to financial limitations and lack of fertility coverage.
I am trying to do what I can to influence these factors, while at the same time not freaking out over aspects beyond my control. What else can I do?