What else can I do?

I promised to check in about the ttc/child topic a couple posts back and realized I haven't done that yet. . .

From talking to R, I think this topic was a prominent fear in his mind heading into our recent time together.  For some reason, I was able to put the topic on the back burner after our initial conversation, in which we both came to a point of agreement around possible adoption.  I wasn't ready to give up on the biological choice yet, but was willing to let it go for now so that we could focus on getting to know one another again and whether we had long-term potential.  I guess for him, it continued to percolate and cause him concern.

Sometimes my idealism even drives myself crazy!  It's always been this way with me:  I have this unshakable belief that if two people really love one another that all the other pieces will fall into place and work themselves out.  Logically, I know life just isn't that simple and some issues will never be resolved to the satisfaction of both parties.  My optimism just won't be tamed though.

Anyway, at the end of my time up there, we touched on this topic and then again on the phone after I returned.  It seems we are still at odds.  Understandably, he feels a lot of responsibility for me if I chose to move up there to be with him, and then it didn't work out between us.

And interestingly, when it looked like R and I might stop seeing each other, I spent some time reflecting and asking for guidance in my life.  Guess what popped up right away?  Yep, refocusing on ttc and having a child!

I even got back on the co-parenting website and talked with a guy up in Alaska (Hi SIF!) who is separated, already has three kids but really wants more.  He is actually in politics, as well as the military, and seemed like a very solid guy (unlike many of the guys on there).

But because he is not divorced yet and things still sound rocky with his ex, and because R and I started talking and I wanted to give our relationship a chance, I put the co-parenting possibility back on the shelf for now.

I know I want a family.  I guess I'm emotionally open to different ways of working towards that goal right now, but it's definitely my highest priority.

If R and I did end up together (which is very much up in the air), he would be my family to start with, and I would gain his family members who live close by, including his 15-year-old.  And if he didn't open his mind/heart to trying for a biological child - and getting that reverse vasectomy yikes! - then we would have time to work toward adoption.

The strange thing is, when I try to imagine he and I in a household raising a child together, I just cannot do it at this point.  Is that a bad sign?  I'm thinking it is just the uncertainty about where our relationship is heading at this point and the newness of our interaction.  When I think of being around him, I think of playing and activities and to be honest, sexy times.  So it's not really a "child oriented" vision of us at this point.

All that to say, I guess I'm still in limboland around ttc, but family is always forefront on my mind.  And a big part of my decision-making process as I keep moving forward.

The hard fact continues to be that I just plain do not have a lot of control right now.  I can't dictate when someone chooses to hire me, I can't choose whether R and I work out, I can't actively ttc on my own right now due to financial limitations and lack of fertility coverage.

I am trying to do what I can to influence these factors, while at the same time not freaking out over aspects beyond my control.  What else can I do?


  1. Well, at least you know what your highest priority is, which is a big plus. Sometimes I'm not sure so I've got that one nailed down.

    One thing I do wish I'd known a few years ago: waiting on the fairy tale family dream to come true gets you no further along on the path. I may someday have it all--kids to love, man to cherish--but if the man never works out, I can still have the kids, one way or another. Start picturing yourself with kids, and don't worry about who else might be in the picture. If R loves you, he'll find a way to be there. If not, you haven't wasted your time hoping for something that isn't/wasn't going to happen.

    I mean that kindly and from my own experiences with Mr. Charming. I think I've come to see that "mommy and kids" can still co-exist with Mr. Charming (or whomever down the road) and sexy time, as two different entities. In some ways it will be harder (possibly not having a second parent to help out), but in other ways it will be easier and better: not having another person's interference or opinion to consider. And as for the dating, peole who are dating often take each other for granted less than people who are married/committed. You stay on your best behavior because you aren't "sure." And that's how we should always treat one another: with our best behavior. :)

  2. I love that you reminded me of that! Thank you! My primary desire right now is to have my own family and I want to keep taking whatever action I can towards that. Interesting about "dating" and staying on best behavior. . .I am pretty sure that if I have my own family, whatever that looks like, then I'll likely be more mellow about the man timeline. Wondering if you you enjoyed or are enjoying time with Mr. C, seems like you had some of that coming up. . .

  3. How random with the guy in AK!!

    I do believe that everything happens for a reason though... you will find the path you're supposed to take. I truly believe that.

  4. Thank you, SIF, it feels reassuring to hear you say that. :-)