I have not felt like posting for some reason. I think my mind has been consumed with processing R's visit and continuing to talk to him about our time together and about our potential looking into the future. Also, he decided to come to my brother's wedding - yay! - so we have been making plans for that weekend.
Overall, the visit went very well, especially considering we hadn't seen each other in 15 years and basically lived together for several days. I have been spending most of my time lately alone so it's quite a shift to be together with someone 24/7! Can anyone else relate to this?
We laughed a lot, had many talks, went out to eat a couple of times, made meals and danced together, walked in the neighborhood, and even laid out on the deck in the sun during a couple of sunny days. I was pleasantly surprised at the ease I found sleeping with him. In the past, sleeping in the same bed with people has tended to be extremely challenging, waking up frequently, feeling a lot of tension and alertness and sometimes even moving out to the couch. With R, I did wake up a couple times each night but generally felt very comfortable and enjoyed the experience. And we actually did not immediately become intimate but went through what felt like a getting reacquainted period and took things a step at a time.
The major conversation about "having a child" came up midway into the trip. It was good and bad. At first, it seemed he was clear he did not want another child. He has had a vasectomy. He talked about his other kids being older now and being in a difference place. We lamented about what different lives we have led up to this point.
But eventually we talked things through to a place where we found a light in the idea of adoption. He is open to this. I am open to this. There is hope in that place. I was very clear that I need to be a mother in some way, that I need to fulfill my longing for motherhood and all that role entails. He knows the biological desire hasn't gone away, and I'm sure we will talk again if we come to the place of committing to being together. But for now we both want to continue to get to know each other and are choosing to trust that we can work it out and consider each other's needs equal to our own.
One difference that did make itself known as the trip progressed was our different "engagement" or consistent connection needs. He shared that he had not communicated a lot with his previous girlfriend - that they had started out that way but it had waned. So maybe that is an adjustment factor for him. . .also, I know that in past relationships I have noticed an anxiety come up in me at times that manifests in an agitation or nervous provocation of the person. It's hard to describe, but I think it's challenging for me to completely relax in another person's presence at times. It's easier if I am involved in an activity myself or with them or if we are in some way physically connected/touching. I'm sure it has to do with my dad who was so in his own bubble a lot of the time.
Anyway, this came up a bit with R and we talked about it. Had some positive insights about how helpful it is when I communicate how I'm feeling when it comes up versus letting it build (love that he encourages me to communicate in this way), how important my own "soulful" activities such as dance and InterPlay are to maintain, and how I want us to share a spiritual practice, which I am researching for us to try out later this month. Lots of stuff! Compacted into a few days.
I am appreciating how we are processing things on the phone since he left and continuing to grow closer. We say we love each other now. We are talking more about me moving up there, though we have not made that decision and are waiting until after this next trip. I can see how this all might sound completely insane in terms of timeline, but we did have a couple years together before and all that feeling and more is coming back. We both seem to be increasingly excited about each other and the possibility of being together. So we will see.
The next step is the wedding on the 19th during which he will meet my family for the first time. Then, I head up to Tacoma to stay at his place for a week and meet his children, brothers, and father (his mother passed away last year). He will be working four days, which I actually think is a good thing, allowing us to experience a more normal way of being together.
Looking forward to our continued adventure. . . freaking out just a little bit.
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