Update from Limboland, the land of uncertain futures. I realized today that my heart has made a decision it wants to move up to be with R in Washington, but my head is thinking, "That is way too fast, are you crazy girlfriend?!"
I am feeling some vulnerability and fear around the situation tonight. I know that I love R. We have been talking a couple hours almost every day. He makes me laugh, we talk in depth about everything, he gets me and vice versa.
But I still don't know whether we can align our intentions around having children and also, I sometimes feel like we are on different wavelengths regarding spirituality and personal growth. He definitely is not as passionate about approaching these topics in structured ways, such as through books, articles, classes, etc.
He's been willing to try Interplay Theatre with me at home and we did a breathing meditation together today. He read an article on relationships that I sent him. He says he is open to learning and growing, but that it may happen in small increments over time and he's asked me if I can be patient. Of course I said yes, but I admit that it is challenging sometimes to always be the leader in these areas. Ideally, he would engage and initiate more, show more enthusiasm.
Overall, though, our conversations are fun and flow freely. I can be myself. It may sound a little insane, but there is a sense that we belong together.
I am preparing to leave for my brother's wedding on Thursday - I found a great dress at Nord.strom! - and then to visit R for a week. Ironically, I received two calls for Bay Area interviews in the last week: one for Friday when I will be out of town, which they said they could not reschedule; and one which the voicemail said could be either for tomorrow or Thursday after I leave.
The latter I may go ahead and do tomorrow if I can reach her in the morning, but honestly I am feeling torn about it. It's for the job with the homeless shelter, one I'm less than confident about, but also my energy wants to focus on being with R and finding a job up there (can energy "want" something? anyway. . .).
What should I do? I have applied for a few jobs up there already, just to hopefully create options, but haven't gotten any callbacks yet. R has made it clear he wants me up there with him, though his head sometimes comes up with questions, as well.
I don't know how much longer I can feel torn between my heart and head like this. . . hopefully this trip will help me bring them both in line.