I haven't been posting much because of being in a tough place with S right now. He's coming over today to finish the conversation we started about the Lake Tahoe trip on Thursday night. It was a productive conversation - one key insight emerged that, at our core, we both want the same thing, i.e. to stay connected and not be "abandoned" by the other while with family. But our strategies and vision of what this looks like are very different and actually can work against each other.
The fact that we devolve into such an ugly and painful place when we are emotionally triggered and fighting in these situations brings up some pretty intense fear in me. I want us to have more discipline and ability to stay grounded in the face of stress (of which life dishes out plenty). Even more than that, I long for us to have the ability to support one another through difficult times - to prop each other up versus tear each other down further.
Yes, progesterone most definitely played a role. But why couldn't he keep that in mind and cut me more slack, versus becoming angry and reactive? I needed help to find my way back to my better self and to remember the bigger picture. For a variety of reasons, including his own anxieties and fears, he couldn't help me with that. Maybe my expectations of him are neither fair nor possible.
Wish us luck in our discussions. We leave this coming Wednesday for a week-long trip to Washington DC to see his daughter and her boyfriend, and participate in a climate change rally. We will need to be strong and resilient to make it through this trip and come out the other side in decent shape. In addition to our discussions, I'm seeking individual support in the form of a Non-Violent Communication "Empathy Session" (basically a support session), which will hopefully take place today or tomorrow. I have a sense that I need to grieve the parts of S which do not match my "ideal" version of a mate or of a relationship. My continued internal judgments of him don't help the situation.
On the ttc front, I am still planning to start doing OPKs later today. We may or may not do an IUI before we leave on the trip. Otherwise, we will just do a trigger shot and try naturally, as mentioned. I plan to go to acupuncture weekly again, starting when I get back from DC.